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Would you ever give Permission for your partner to sleep with someone else?

If you want to end up with your partner forever, don't you want to explore other people beforehand? Because forever is a fucking long time to never touch another dick!

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--Dan Stevens
replies 57Dec 6, 2017 3:01 AM +00:00

Forever = 5 years in gay time.

--Anonymous
replies 1Dec 6, 2017 3:04 AM +00:00

Yeh, I don't care. My partner is my default person, my travel partner, the only one I'd want to live with, but what do I care if he (or me) plays with some other dicks. Dicks are fun. Go for it.

--Anonymous
replies 2Dec 6, 2017 3:24 AM +00:00

Yes I would, OP. It’s not that big of a deal. I’m a frau, btw.

I am not sure that I’d want to participate in it or see it, because I’m not in to women sexually at all, but if my partner wanted something like that, I wouldn’t be too freaked out.

And no. I wouldn’t be upset if he wanted to have sex with another man, either. As long as condoms are used, NBD.

--Anonymous
replies 3Dec 6, 2017 3:28 AM +00:00

R3 progressive frau, good for you!

--Anonymous
replies 4Dec 6, 2017 3:33 AM +00:00

Its not a long time when you have found THE dick youve been looking for all your life.

--Anonymous
replies 5Dec 6, 2017 3:33 AM +00:00

Only if I could watch.

--Anonymous
replies 6Dec 6, 2017 3:37 AM +00:00

I'm not overly concerned about monogamy.

However, I've noticed there seems to be a high correlation between people who want to sleep with other people and other personality traits that I don't find desirable, and more pointedly, which usually lead to the eventual end of relationships.

While obviously not a blanket statement and not applicable to every person, these people tend to be "grass is greener" types always looking for the next better, unwilling to make tradeoffs and compromises in a relationship (relationships are hard and require both parties to work and make tradeoffs and sacrifices), some difficulty with impulse control, or some combination of these.

Of course, one ought not be unhappy in a relationship, but the idea that anyone is deliriously happy all the time is silly. Often there is something self-centered is people who either view not sleeping with other people as a deprivation. Sex is important, but relationships require other things to work to be successful.

--Anonymous
replies 7Dec 6, 2017 5:12 AM +00:00

No, I'm not wired that way. If he felt the need to be with someone else, then just put the cards on the table and deal with the consequences. I wouldn't cheat on him.

--Anonymous
replies 8Dec 6, 2017 6:58 AM +00:00

My past relationships so far have been monogamous as far as I know. I think I would be ok with it but I have no idea of the reality of an open relationship.

--Anonymous
replies 9Dec 6, 2017 7:05 AM +00:00

Yes, but it only works if you establish rules and abide by them.

--Anonymous
replies 10Dec 6, 2017 7:10 AM +00:00

I have been single for some time. I think any outside arrangements would only develop after a suitable period (if at all).

I guess YMMV applies here.

--Anonymous
replies 11Dec 6, 2017 7:14 AM +00:00

I think I would, but I really can't imagine him wanting that.

--Anonymous
replies 12Dec 6, 2017 7:17 AM +00:00

I have no problem with it as long as it makes him happy. Lying about it, on the other hand, is the deal breaker. I can't stand duplicity because there really isn't room for it in an adult relationship.

--Anonymous
replies 13Dec 6, 2017 7:37 AM +00:00

I would never presume to give my partner "permission" to do anything. He is free to do what he wants. But, as R8 says, there would be consequences. I had a bf broach this subject with me after we'd been dating about four years. I thanked him for being honest and soon ended the relationship. If you're not sexually satisfied with me, I want you to go ahead and seek your pleasures however and with whomever you want. I just won't be part of the equation.

--Anonymous
replies 14Dec 6, 2017 7:41 AM +00:00

You broke up with someone for simply bringing up the subject, R14?

--Anonymous
replies 15Dec 6, 2017 7:49 AM +00:00

Yes, R15, because I asked him if he was going to do it behind my back if I didn't "agree" to it -- and to his credit, he admitted that he probably would at some point.

--Anonymous
replies 16Dec 6, 2017 7:52 AM +00:00

Ah, that makes more sense then.

--Anonymous
replies 17Dec 6, 2017 8:01 AM +00:00

I'm glad R14 has entered his twilight years with his morals intact, if not with a man.

--Anonymous
replies 18Dec 6, 2017 8:19 AM +00:00

LOL, r18!

--Anonymous
replies 19Dec 6, 2017 10:28 AM +00:00

If you're a gay, your "partner" has already slept with someone else. It's ridiculous to think he needs permission to do something he already has done and will continue to do anyway.

--Anonymous
replies 20Dec 6, 2017 12:43 PM +00:00

Dan Stevens' cock?

Is the movie any good?

data.tumblr.com
--Anonymous
replies 21Feb 11, 2018 7:20 AM +00:00

R16 after 4 years was no longer that into his boyfriend.

Seems like he was bored with the relationship and wanted an easy out.

He could have easily said if you cheat on me I don't want to know about it which is the mature adult reaction.

We are not living in the 1950s.

--Anonymous
replies 22Feb 11, 2018 7:39 AM +00:00

I’ve seen a lot of cases where a happily in love couple of had to be open. If you get two tops or two bottoms falling for each other, the key option ends up being open.

App hook ups enable more prescription in finding someone who fits your preference. But good old fashioned love and attraction doesn’t always come with the ideal position.

--Anonymous
replies 23Feb 11, 2018 7:44 AM +00:00

If youre not good enough for sex, then whats the point of the relationship ?.....Companionship ?....get a pet......Financial ? youre good enough to help support them, so they have the freedom to look elsewhere ? You cant have your cake and eat it too. For those willing to allow it, it shows low self esteem and self worth. If you need to look elsewhere, then stay single and fuck half the city. If you intend to build a life together, its with that person and not everyone else.

--Anonymous
replies 24Feb 11, 2018 7:45 AM +00:00

Is that Caitlyn J in the Op pic?!

--Anonymous
replies 25Feb 11, 2018 7:50 AM +00:00

I talk a big game and say that I would be okay with it but deep down it would change the relationship too much and not in a positive way.

--Anonymous
replies 26Feb 11, 2018 7:51 AM +00:00

R24 Do you not realize you're talking about the majority of relationships throughout history?

Companionship, financial, social status, appearances- these have been what relationships have always been about.

Sex is great but you mature and people get beyond it. Just don't frighten the horses.

--Anonymous
replies 27Feb 11, 2018 7:55 AM +00:00

As my partner and I started our relationship we agreed that inviting others in from time to time was okay and an occasional one time flings were okay as well. That worked for several years then he started to want to go out several times during the week and after a while I just was tired of it. He then started "working out" after work, which was really him sitting in the steam room with a bunch of gay men. How do I know, because he told me. And it progressed from there. He was surprised I didn't want to have sex with him anymore (because he was turning out to be a major slut and most of our friends knew it), but we continued to sleep together. At the end he said we needed to break up and I asked if there was someone else now. He said there was. And I wasn't upset. Guess our relationship had run its course. But it did tell me that you have to be careful when opening up or giving permission to have sex with others outside the relationship. Would I enter an open relationship again? Before I did, I would ask a lot of questions and be clear about my expectations before we did.

--Anonymous
replies 28Feb 11, 2018 7:56 AM +00:00

No, but I would give them Parmesan for their pasta.

--Anonymous
replies 29Feb 11, 2018 8:00 AM +00:00

I need more info to know. It depends on who it is. Do I get a new car? That kind of thing.

--Anonymous
replies 30Feb 11, 2018 8:01 AM +00:00

So sick of men in open relationship on Grindr seeking dick Like fuck off and go fuck your boyfriend. Yes, I'm judging...

--Not a frau
replies 31Feb 11, 2018 8:05 AM +00:00

I would like to know how old some of these judgmental Judy’s are. It’s just wholly unrealistic that men will be 100% monogamous their entire adult lives. And props to the frau r2 ! So rare to have women recognize the insanity of monogamy. I’ve seen so many good couples - with kids - break up a good marriage because the guy broke down and had a one off (often because he was desperate for sex). Love after 20 years isn’t about passion - it’s so much deeper and richer and stabilizing than the roller coaster of lust.

--Anonymous
replies 32Feb 11, 2018 8:14 AM +00:00
Love after 20 years isn’t about passion - it’s so much deeper and richer and stabilizing than the roller coaster of lust.

Honey, my love for you is so deep and rich and stabilizing that I'm gonna go off and get some strange tonight!

--Anonymous
replies 33Feb 11, 2018 8:17 AM +00:00

R32, nobody needs to be fully monogamous, but I see the same men on Grindr trolling for dick ***every day***....??? Are they that bored fucking their partner?

--Anonymous
replies 34Feb 11, 2018 8:28 AM +00:00

R32 Open relationship doesn't equate to "breaking down once". That is likely forgivable depending on the circumstances. The issue is when it turn into looking primarily for sex outside the relationship. Might as well break up and be friends if one partner is going to always be looking for hookups, no?

--Anonymous
replies 35Feb 11, 2018 8:30 AM +00:00

Again - how old are you people and have you ever dated someone for more than a year? Talk to me at 50 - assuming you are not too busy obsessing about your pet and keeping a clean house and hating on young’uns

--Anonymous
replies 36Feb 11, 2018 8:39 AM +00:00

either you have an open relationship, or you lie about it

--Anonymous
replies 37Feb 11, 2018 8:47 AM +00:00
Would I enter an open relationship again? Before I did, I would ask a lot of questions and be clear about my expectations before we did.

Every reply in this thread is interesting. Just musing about the idea of a "monogamous LTR". Now that we're leading longer lives, do questions about monogamy become even more of a consideration?

I'm 57 and recently left a relationship of over 2 decades. If I get into another committed relationship, I'll probably be more open to the idea of it being in an open relationship than I was before -- yes, with expectation-setting included.

Also, a frustration: I think DLers of various ages rely too much on age/age differences as a filter for seeing each other's replies. It's like we're leaning on a broken crutch when we do that.

--Anonymous
replies 38Feb 11, 2018 9:33 AM +00:00

Twenty years together. Sometimes we have a third. Sometimes I jerk off at the gym and I'm sure he does too. It turns me on to think of him being with another guy. Our connection is to each other. Our entire lives are intertwined in good ways and ho-hum tedious ways but that's a relationship. I don't really see him bringing home some guy to meet my mother-in-law. Good luck. Now if he started calling some guy every night to talk about how he feels about life, his job , etc. Then my feelings would be hurt.

When we have a third it usually a hot guy we are both attaracted to but as soon as the sex is over they are usually out. If they linger and we have to talk to them it only makes it clearer that we only want sex from people outside teh relationship not intimacy.

--Anonymous
replies 39Feb 11, 2018 10:12 AM +00:00

Heterosexuals have been doing that forever.

--Anonymous
replies 40Feb 11, 2018 3:18 PM +00:00

Partner? Why would I care what my business "partner" does?

This whole idea about man-on-man monogamy is a silly game. Only a few can do it long term. Stop lying to yourselves, it's more of a fantasy. You are not your mother and father.

--Anonymous
replies 41Feb 11, 2018 3:21 PM +00:00

My man and I are officially in an open relationship, but we never take advantage of it.

He can go anywhere he likes, but he doesn’t. Same with me.

It’s not enforced, it just is.

--Anonymous
replies 42Feb 11, 2018 3:27 PM +00:00
Heterosexuals have been doing that forever.

That's why I fucking hate them.

--Anonymous
replies 43Feb 11, 2018 3:28 PM +00:00

Open relationships aren't real relationships. "I love you, but you don't satisfy me sexually, so I'm going to have sex with other people and utter a bunch of homophobic psychobabble to justify my fear of commitment" is no basis for a relationship whatsoever.

Do you know who ELSE says gay men are incapable of monogamy? Anti-gay religious bigots like this dago pig:

Joseph Nicolosi - Reparative Therapy™
--Anonymous
replies 44Feb 11, 2018 3:30 PM +00:00
For those willing to allow it, it shows low self esteem and self worth.

I will never be desperate enough to tolerate a man cheating on me.

--Anonymous
replies 45Feb 11, 2018 3:40 PM +00:00

R44 R45 At least you'll still have your cats.

--Anonymous
replies 46Feb 11, 2018 4:06 PM +00:00

I'm pretty sure I'm R8 upthread (it's been a while). I don't know why this conversation has to devolve into accusations back and forth. If another guy is happy in an open relationship, that's fine with me. It doesn't affect me in any way. I might have been okay with that at one time: in fact, I guess I was when my dating was more casual. When I really fell for my ex, though, HE was the one who told me he couldn't take the relationship seriously unless I was willing to agree that there would be no other men. So I did, but it took several months before we finally consummated our relationship (something else I had never encountered, as a gay man). Also, at the time (I can imagine all of DL sighing) AIDS had only then become a public health menace (as in, known to the public). So we didn't have sex until we had agreed to remain faithful, and both had been tested.

After we separated (after about 8 years), he went on to have other partners, but I didn't (although I came close). If I started seeing someone now, my expectations would pick up from the new partner, and his opinions and points of views would matter, just as much as mine. It's a joint decision, after all. So I responded upthread with my honest feelings from my life experience, but moving forward, I might feel differently.

There's no need to denigrate people who prefer monogomany versus those who find it too confining. It's a very personal matter.

--Anonymous
replies 47Feb 11, 2018 4:23 PM +00:00

Because Datalounge pearl-clutchers love a good morality tale, I'll tell you about when my BF and I opened our relationship.

It was his idea. He was conservative, French, military. Our rules were basic and simple - don't rub it in each other's face. Within 6 months he'd been arrested for exposing himself to a minor at a public pool (not in the locker room) and there was the possibility he would be deported. He also wasn't getting much side action and I was getting plenty, which made him bitter.

Then he started spending time with some sleazy druggie types and that's when I bailed. Within a year he had HIV from partying and playing with young twinks where he no doubt supplied the party. The drugs were such a surprise to me - he was a person I believed would ever do meth.

--Anonymous
replies 48Feb 11, 2018 7:49 PM +00:00

Similarly, R48, when my husband and I discussed opening our relationship, I was reluctant and he was persistent. When I agreed, I said "If I"m going to be in an open relationship, don't expect me to sit back and watch you have all the fun." Within a month, I had a steady fuckbuddy, and picked up another shortly thereafter. I fucked both for several years, and enjoyed every minute of it. He, meanwhile, tried a couple of times, it didn't work out, and he got bitter about it.

We'd agreed on a set of rules, mostly don't ask/don't tell, and I had to give him notice that I was going "out". When he got upset was when one fb took me to a hoity-toity event where I met a bunch of local celebrities and politicians (he was showing me off, which I found amusing; I've written about this specific incident here in the past, wherein I discovered he was four years older than he told me). Then the other fb invited me to his birthday lunch and I met a group of his friends. Hubby grew more bitter.

He never came right out and told me that it was either them or him, but he didn't have to. It became obvious he thought the experiment was a mistake. I loved him and still do and don't consider it a sacrifice to return to monogamy, or as is more the case than not, solo.

The moral of the story is to go into the situation knowing that it might work out completely differently than you anticipate.

--Anonymous
replies 49Feb 11, 2018 8:25 PM +00:00

Some people are monogamous and some are not. The trick is to find someone who is wired like you.

--Anonymous
replies 50Feb 12, 2018 3:28 AM +00:00

yay dan stevens!

he makes every movie he in tre fab!

best to u.

--Anonymous
replies 51Feb 12, 2018 3:31 AM +00:00

R49 wow my husband and I will dabble with another every now and then, but it’s always one-offs. Couldn’t imagine having a steady fb that you go to events with. I get really turned on thinking about him having sex with another guy, but i don’t think I’d be comfortable with having a semi-boyfriend. Not judging you, if that works for you then great.

--Anonymous
replies 52Feb 12, 2018 3:41 AM +00:00

48 here, I’ve cheated, been cheated on, been in an open relationship and every other role you could possibly be in as a gay man. Happily married four years ago, with a full understanding that it’s monogamous on both sides. Whatever I lost as a precarious rebellious and risk taking single guy, I gained a loving husband, best friend, someone to share the rest of my life with, and much deeper relationship than I ever had.

A lot of cheating has to do with wanting validation as we age. Half the thrill is to get away with it. I sat in a bar years ago and realized my boyfriend at the time had slept with half the guys in the room. I don’t want to have chase you down or prove my worth, I spent half my life doing that.

What I have with my husband is like a low current electricity between us and from what I’ve seen among gay men is rare. If I cheated or lied, I know from past experience that it would extinguish it.

When I took my vows I told my husband I would never lie if asked directly. But I also asked him to think really hard and not be frivolous with his questions before asking me,

because he may not like the truth!

--Anonymous
replies 53Feb 12, 2018 4:45 AM +00:00
48 here, I’ve cheated, been cheated on, been in an open relationship and every other role you could possibly be in as a gay man.

Have you been cuckolded? Thats the only way I could agree to my partner sleeping with someone else, I want to watch dammit!

--Anonymous
replies 54Feb 12, 2018 4:50 AM +00:00

53 here again, I did a LOT as a single man so yes I did that already and it ultimately destroyed a relationship or two. I think for myself half the fun was the chase, I remember ditching guys that were attractive at the clubs because they weren’t enough of a challenge, or it would’ve been too much of a hassle to take them home once I knew they wanted me. My record was picking up a threesome (that didn’t know each other) off a dance floor in under 5 minutes!

If I want to admire a body or a dick I watch porn. I lived in NYC for two decades and casual sex was ALWAYS risky.

--Anonymous
replies 55Feb 12, 2018 4:56 AM +00:00

Yes. It sounds like there are other here who like me who fantasize about watching their bf husband with another man. It really turns me on. Wish there was more porn about this.

--Anonymous
replies 56Mar 24, 2018 1:03 AM +00:00

My partner and I had an agreement to talk about it if either wanted to sleep around -- it wasn't a definite no. But then he started sniffing around while keeping it secret and that really pissed me off, since we'd gone so far to state our boundaries, so to speak. Once that line got crossed it really changed the way I felt about him.

Ugh, god, I sound like an old woman.

--Anonymous
replies 57Mar 24, 2018 1:16 AM +00:00