I miss my mom

I’m sorry, OP. Can’t even summon a bitchy wry r1. I miss mine every day. She died really suddenly 18 months ago. Talk to her and tell her all the stuff you want her to know while she’s still physically here.

Sending love.

Thanks r1.

No, you won’t. Same with a father, sibling, child, or even spouse. You just have to live with it. I know that may sound harsh, but humans have done it for thousands of years. it will get easier, but you will never get “over” it, and no reason you think you should have to.

Hit "send" too fast.

I'm sorry for your loss, r1. Most of my experience of death has been quick -- eg, losing people to a stroke or heart attack, lot a long-term illness. It's kind of mind fuck, because I know I lost my mom years ago, but I can't really pinpoint when.

My Mom died of Alzheimer’s, and I have to say that going through those years beforehand really made things easier. There wasn’t really much of a difference when she actually died. The person I knew had been gone for years and I’d already grieved her way before the actual funeral.

When someone you love dies, you learn to live with it. The grief doesn't end, it just changes.

I'm sorry, OP. I lost my Mom years ago, and I remembered her birthday yesterday. My Dad died from Alzheimer's, and I miss both of them constantly. My Mom loved feeding deer from a captive herd, and my sister leaves an apple on my Mom's headstone when she visits, to encourage the deer to visit her now.

My mom loved feeding the deer too, r7. Your story made me choke up a bit.

It’s not my parents I miss, but my eldest sister. The only in the family with whom I shared the same sensibilities.

My mom died after a long and painful illness (liver cancer, 30-plus hospitalizations, three surgeries, chemo, and radiation) almost 30 years ago. I still see her in my mind's eye, every day. We used to talk on the phone every day, even when I traveled for work and got a call from her in my hotel room in Moscow in the 1990's. I'll never forget her asking, "We used to hate the Communists. Are there any left?" She was no good with time zones as she got older, either: whenever I was in California I'd get a call around 5 or 6 am asking if I was watching the Today show because she'd seen it and wanted to tell me about one of the guests. I hated to tell her it hadn't started yet on the West Coast.

Once in a while I'd wonder, "Is this unhealthy? It's like I'm her closest friend" but after my dad died I guess I was. I had three siblings who barely spoke to her. She left $10 each in her will to two of them and told me to give them a $20 bill and watch them fight over it because she was bitter about their neglect. She was very fond of my BF because he treated her better than her own kids and would do gardening and yard work when she no longer could. And he had a big Ram truck that she loved to ride in, sitting high up, after she had to stop driving and the two of them would ride around and get lunch. She left him $10k. He deserved more. We moved into her summer place (she wintered in Florida), fixed it up in a hurry, and lived there for two years to keep her out of a nursing home. I read that both Lee Iaccoca and Mike Bloomberg spoke to their mothers every day, too, so at least I was in good company - guys who got to keep their moms a lot longer. Mine died at 74, Uncle Lido's mom lived to be 90 and Mrs Bloomberg was 102 when she died.

She couldn't cook and housecleaning was not her strong suit and it didn't matter. My Dad adored her and I guess I took his place when he died. I adored her, too. She was a wonderful person and a great Mom and I'll think of her every day until I die.

My mom's been gone for almost 17 years now. She was my closest family member and I do still miss her, but the hard part is long past. I may not think of her every day but it's often, and it can be little things that remind me.

The feeling is now more of a bittersweet yearning, wishing she could see my life now, wishing I could do things for her now, things she would enjoy and that I didn't have the financial wherewithal to do before now.

She was ill for much of the last decade of her life, though, so it was the true definition of mercy when she died. But I love the moments where I remember her.

I wish she was here to tell me how to handle the discovery of my dad's illegitimate child. I know she must have been heartbroken when she learned about that child, but something tells me she'd want me to reach out and connect with that child, because that's who she was.

You can have mine, OP. Just be prepared that she will criticize everything about you while not finding a single flaw about my older brother and every memory will be filtered through older brother’s version of events.

OP, dear do try to pull yourself together. You are much too wonderful a person to let this bring you down and cause premature aging to your face, forehead, and hands.

Does it help to know that everyone else thinks your mother is an ignorant cunt of a woman with incredibly bad taste in shoes?

My mother died in early October last year, and it was the greatest gift she ever gave me.

No more shame; no more neglect; no more passive/aggressive and AGGRESSIVE acts to put me down. I don't even know how she died or where her remains now reside, and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. She always said she never believed in God and that when she died we could take her body, put it in a garbage bag, and place it on the curb for pick up.

Just hoping that this is EXACTLY what happened, because it is what she wished for and deserved. WORST EXCUSED FOR A HUMAN BEING - EVER.

^^^^Mary!!!!! All that’s missing is the bloodhounds nipping at your behind.

My mom died 22 years ago, just after her 60th birthday. I can't believe so much time has passed. It scares me that I don't remember what her voice sounded like. My dad's been gone for 16 years, but I can still hear his voice in my head when I imagine him saying something.

No, I don't think we ever get over it. But we do move on with our lives.

I called my sister to tell her I’ve been really sick the past few days with a virus (not COVID). I actually told her I miss the younger version of our mom especially when I’m sick. So, hugs to you OP. I get it. We were the lucky ones.

R10 why didn't your siblings talk to her?

My mother turned 80 in October. She's still feisty and hasn't had too many health issues but I dread the day. She still gets out in her garden every day, drives and has her wits about her and the plan is for me to eventually retire and move out to the country to help her out. We are best friends and she loves for me to visit, drink wine and watch Midsommer Murders or period dramas with her. She would call me after every Downton Abbey or Gilded Age episode for a nice bitchy critique.

Life is so fucking short.

OP-

I’m just going to say I envy you. I never really had a great relationship with my mom like you, and that my brother and I instead have spent the last 30 years cleaning up her mess of finances and mishaps- she absolved herself of any responsibility or accountability before that. Lots of paranoia, fighting, arguments, and the final straw was when my brother cut off any relationship with me because my mom made it obvious she favored me after he’d taken care of her in his home the last 20 years. When he married, on his wedding day she walked right up to his bride and a group of their closest friends, and cried out angrily over and over with tears in her eyes,

“You took my son!”

I remember being a teenager and she had chased my friend and I out of a field of weeds and said to him “Come on out, you faggot.” He was maybe 12 at the time.

I really wish I could love my mom like you do, but she has since sunken into dementia and is in a memory facility. I love her, but I tolerate her too.

[quote]When he married, on his wedding day she walked right up to his bride and a group of their closest friends, and cried out angrily over and over with tears in her eyes “You took my son!”

R19, that screams histrionic borderline behavior to me. Was she ever diagnosed with anything?

My mom died in 1989 when she was only in her 50s. She had a weak heart since childhood and because of her smoking it finally gave out. I was close to her before I moved out to live alone. After that I would visit and she was the only one of my family who would stay in the room and talk to me. Not my father or brother or sister. I guess they had better things to do.

She got gradually sick and then at work one day I got a call that she had collapsed and to come to the hospital. I saw my father holding her hand in the ICU and crying. That was the first and only time I ever saw him cry. I was in her hospital room when she died. We all were there talking and I noticed she had stopped breathing. The nurse let us all have private time with her to say goodbye. I can still see her lying there dead. She is the only dead person I have ever seen.

I shouldn't have read this post on the way to work; I'm getting teary-eyed on the train. My mother has early-onset Alzheimer’s, and I see her slipping away slowly. It's devastating but a reminder to cherish our time with loved ones. Stay strong, OP.

If you had had my mother, you might not miss her.

My father lost some of rough edges over time, becoming a kinder, more engaged, more interested and interesting person in the half century I knew him.

My mother became ever more worried about her image and her insecurities magnified her tendency to be cold and cruel. She delighted in thinking she would outlive all of her children and even more in thinking (somehow) that their inheritances would all come back to her as a sort of found money, a reward. She schemed to pit family members against one another to maintain more of their attention. Dementia made these mawkish thoughts take shape and she would plot "dancing on all your graves and your father's too" and made her despise the company of her old friends.

Not hugely missed.

If you loved your mother you never stop missing her. My mother died 32 years ago and I miss her as much today as I did right after she died. Every Wednesday at around 11am she would call me just to check in and we'd talk for a while. Now 32 years later I still perk up at the same time every Wednesday until I quickly realize that call isn't going to come. I'm now 8 years older than my mother was when she died and recently I got upset because I realized I could no longer remember what her voice sounded like.

No, the pain never stops. It just gets easier to deal with.

I don’t miss my MOM.

I miss my mother.

R24- My mother died in 1981. I still miss her at times.

I was just a kid at the time 15 -compared to now.

R26 that's a hard blow to suffer, even more so at that young age. At times I ask myself, "Mr. God what the hell are you doing? Making kids suffer by taking their parent when they need them the most is what you call being 'a loving God'? Then I wake up from my stupidity and remember that God has nothing to do with it because he's not real.

You will always miss your Mom/Mother, OP.

Like others, I lost my Mom twice, once to dementia and then again when she died. I look in the mirror and see her staring back at me. I look just like her, right down to the Michelin Man body (I'm working on losing weight!). I adopted Cosmo in May 8 years ago and she died that July. I know exactly how long she's been gone when I realize how long Cos and I have been a family.

After almost 30 years I think my mother really didn’t like me much.

My dad hated me. My mom made up for it.

R18, your relationship with your mother sounds like the relationship my mother and I had. When I was a teenager, we had our ups and downs, but once I was an adult, we became great friends. I'm an eldergay, so our version of your wine and Downton Abbey was martinis and Dallas, but the bitchy critique was the same. You should have heard her mocking Miss Ellie; she never could stand Barbara Bel Geddes.

Anyway, if your mother is 80, one seemingly small thing can make a big negative change in her health and independence, as I'm sure you know. Even though you probably can't pull up stakes to be near her right now, it's worthy thinking about what you'll do if she needs help sooner than you can move to be near her. Once they start downhill, they tend to go downhill fast ... trust me on that one.

If you feel the need to talk to her, do so. It real does help. My mother died 8 years ago, and I found myself talking to her regularly, and then semi-regularly. It diminished as the years progressed. I very rarely do so now.

I desperately miss my parents. My mom was my best friend and my dad was my quiet rock. I trusted them and valued their opinions and my world was good when they were here. They were lovely, quality, human beings.

My mother died 8 years ago, and I found myself talking to her regularly

Bring out the butterfly net.

I have a terrible relationship with my mom — I wish I felt like OP does because that would mean I felt like I ever had a mom. But I am truly happy for those of you who had maternal love so good that you miss them, because once you’re through the raw pain of the grief, you’ll be so grateful you had such a great mom. Every human being deserves that, I deserved it too, but it is what it is. We don’t get to pick our parents.

Please do carry on, and be grateful you had a great momma.

R10, how did your sisters react for the $20.00 inheritance?

I’m sure most of the men in town miss your mother as well, OP. She wasn’t known as the town welcome wagon for nothing!!!!!

Sorry to hear it, OP.

Alzheimers a brutal way to lose someone.

Thank you, r38

Thanks R31. I'm trying for two years from now when I will see if early retirement is feasible. I figure I could always get a p/t job in her tiny town or the neighboring "big" town.

My mother couldn't stand Cora from DA with her soft little "oh, Wobert". She said she sounded like a weenie. Didn't like Daisy for being a "dumb little twat".

I lost my mom in early March. I spent a lot of time with her and moved back to my hometown 2 years ago to be closer when she went to assisted living. She was in hospice for 3 months before she died and I saw her every day. I miss her dearly. She had lost her short term memory but remembered some things from her childhood vividly. I loved listening to the same stories over and over. I recorded some of her stories and tried to listen the other day but I think it was too soon. It gutted me. I pray at night she will visit my dreams so I can talk to her again. I know some of you will tear me a new one for that last sentence but maybe someone else feels that way too.

OP even though her memory may be gone and she doesn't recognize you, continue to talk to her, tell her you love her, tell her about your daily activities etc. Yes she can't respond and it may seem strange, but I'm of the strong belief that her "inner soul" can still hear and understand you.

A big "Mary" to me from the more cynical posters here, but I believe in the soul continuing after death and our loved ones possibly able to meet up with us in the afterlife, whatever form that takes. You will be thanked later. Even if you don't believe or subscribe to this, it's a kind thing to do and will keep your connection with her going in this physical life.

I always kept up my talks with my grandmother, even when she was deep into her final dementia. Of course it was one-way, but it made me feel better to tell her I loved and appreciated her - sometimes I'd get a glimmer of her old self for a second or two, which made it worthwhile.

I think somewhere deep inside they can hear. Same as they say coma patients need to be talked to.

Going through the same thing OP. Mom and in a nursing home with late stage dementia. It’s painful to watch. I hate going to visit her, but I also hate leaving her. We bas have the same conversation every time I go visit her. My brother is out of the picture; we don’t speak. Other than her surviving brother and a couple of cousins who see her every now and then, I am her advocate. I know that it must be difficult for you. I’ve posted about this before. My therapist calls it “ambiguous loss”.

r42 thank you. When my grandmother thought she was dying (she ended up living another five years, actually, and died at age 101. She never suffered from anything beyond mild age-related memory loss, and was sharp until the very end), we were taking turns staying with her. One night when I was with her, I think I was crying, and she said, "If there were any way to keep talking to you from heaven, I would." I miss her a lot, too, but it's different. In my mind, she's still alive and living in her cozy, comfortable little house, and I can still visit her in my memories. She was a special, yet very quiet and humble, woman, and she touched countless people across her life.

I think this is the most wonderful thread EVAH.

I was having a hard time dealing with my mom's death, but everyone here has/is going through what I am.

This thread has made me feel that, truly, I am not alone.

Thank you everyone!

DL has its moments, r46

I lost my mom when I was in my early 20’s. You do eventually accept it. I wouldn’t call it “getting over it”.

I've been apologizing to my mom on a daily basis ever since her passing 13 years ago. I took everything she did for me for granted. I wish I could tell her now.

My mom had alzheimer's too. Although it was horrible, I was able to grieve her transition so when it came, it was a blessing.

I know it is hard OP but time does help heal. Sending a BIG warm hug and comforting thoughts!

OP - others have said what I wanted to say. My mother and I were best friends and she died 10 years ago. You never get over it. But, you do learn to live with the grief.

You never know when grief will hit you.

I just quit a job after 20+ years. I went to the cemetery to pick weeds around the family plot and fell completely apart. But it’s ok. My mother, brother and grandmother would understand. I just wish one of them were here to talk to me about the decision I had to make.

I don’t think you ever get over the loss of beloved parent. My mom dies 16 years ago and I miss her everyday.. I’m glad I got to tell her how much I loved her and how lucky I was to be her son.

Much care to you r52 - I think you made the right decision, fwiw. We know when it's time to make a change, even if it's a difficult or frightening one.

De nada, r45/OP. I meant every word, hope it helped others here as well (DL is sometimes hostile to metaphysical "mumbo jumbo"). Your description of your grandmother brought tears, because it reminded me of my other grandmother and her comfortable home, long since sold away. I have dreams about her as well.

I think if you are reasonably old when the parent dies or many years have passed since the parent’s death, you may rarely think of them. That is certainly true for me.

I think of the first part of this scene when I start missing mom: you learn to live with the unacceptable.

I miss my Mom every day-she passed away 11 years ago . I am caregiving for my Dad who has dementia, but think the world of him as well . I am beyond grateful for my wonderful , loving parents and know how fortunate I have been to have them. OP I understand how you feel.

Love to you OP and love to everyone on this thread who are missing their mothers ❤️

R41, here. Another thread that reminds me how much I love DL. Whether it's crazy rabbit hole gossip, the unparalleled bitchiness, the political divide, the cock pics and the occasional moments of real human emotion comraderie, I certainly am grateful. The posts I have read here tonight have made me feel much better. Like I said, it's been hitting me harder than my brother or sister and glad I'm not alone in my grieving experience.

thx OP

A tip for those of you who still have one or both parents--it can be a wonderful thing to interview them about their lives, right from childhood on, either using the voice recorder on your phone or, if they agree and you can set it up unobtrusively, using its video function. They will usually enjoy the opportunity to reminisce at length. When they're gone, you will never forget what they sounded like, and any still unborn children in the family will be able to hear their stories direct from them.

Even a parent with some level of dementia may still be able to talk coherently about the distant past.

This is why I love DL.

Thanks OP.

Mothers are meant to die before the children. It’s the circle of life, unless your mother is a vindictive murderous cunt of a woman whose fading beauty made her insane.

Thanks to everyone who commented on this thread.

Not to go full MARY!!! but several years ago, I texted my mom and told her, "Mom, I'm lonely."

She replied, "I am here. You have me."

{.crying }

R10 one of the most touching beautiful things I've read on here...or really, anywhere.

R10, I’m in total agreement with r67. Good to know that she had a good son like you to look after her. My mom’s been in the nursing home since 2018 and my brother has been there no more than ten times.

R56 do you mean reasonably young? You'd have to have a parent that died when you were reasonably young for many years to have passed from their death.

My dad passed away 2 weeks shy of my 13th birthday ....that was in September 1991, and I think of him pretty frequently. He died from cancer, battled it for 4 years, so when he died it did in a way feel like a blessing. But his absence fucked me up in a way that was less about grieving and more about losing that father figure. I feel I would have fared so much better with him around. There was actual grieving too but that was mitigated at first because of the feeling that at least he wasn't in pain anymore and in peace. But I remember him often, and if by chance (long shot I know) heaven does exist and we get to see our loved ones there, I know he'll be the first one I want to see.

OP, I promise you your Mom is right there with you. I wish I could tell you how I knew but you would think I was crazy. Would she maybe say stop the temper tantrums. Get up off the comfy furniture and stop eating and not taking your health serious. You might get your blood checked. Go out and walk. She hears and see you so much. The cool thing is I promise: RIGHT BEFORE BED: ask your mom to come visit you and/or give you the tools you need to move forward. Keep a notebook by your bed when you wake up and remember as much as you can. Repeat. Do this with your animals anything you need. Or during meditation. Our loved ones are right behind a thin veil you can access them. Ask her for help. I promise refocus your dialogue and it will get better.

There is so much energy on this page it’s difficult to give you concrete messages. I have knocked people’s socks off where they get up from the table because they are freaked.

I promise you her death is teaching you so much. Accept it, call for guidance and I promise you in a month you will feel better and have answers, if you do the work.

I am to lazy to proof. Be kind, grammar police.

I love you, OP.

Tears, R70. This is why I can't quit DL. Posts like this.

This is R70 - I’m sorry your Mom is not alive in this realm. I PROMISE you she has left her body and living the fuck out of life. This may make you sad, but during Alzheimer’s or dementia our shell remains our soul has escaped.

r70, r71, and r72 -- I was hesitant to share this on DL, because DL, but a couple of weeks ago, before I went to bed, I could have sworn my mom was really in the room with me. I just knew.

R73 I promise you she was… stop the pity parties. Trust me,

I had a friend of a friend’s mom who was very ill and on life support. I had no idea about this person. I kept having a spirit pacing at my door. The floor would creak every night from her pacing. Finally, my husband says can you just connect with them. She told me the information I needed to pass on her name, son’s name, blah blah I contacted my friend who had no idea of my secret gift. After his shock 😳 I gave him the message. He forwarded my message. Her son was actually pissed at me… then he thought about it. How the hell would I even know I never met him. His Mom wanted off life support. She was frustrated. She wanted to stop being tied to their pain and grief THEY needed to move forward. A day later the plug was pulled. Her radiant light came and blessed me. Pacing stopped. What we do not realize is we on earth are selfish. We hold on to any piece of hope. Let them go! The faster the better!!

Sad thing for me… I think my friend is uncomfortable with me. He barely speaks to me. He did tell me his friends family now believes in the afterlife and knows she is still there. She gave me a sign between them that they would know she was there. Oh well, I have hope.

Your was in your life to teach you lessons and grow. Her death is doing the same. Is there a reason I took 20 minutes to write this long ass post?!? Do you have the ability to allow your Mom to soar?

[quote]stop the pity parties

That's something my mom would have said, r74

She sucks a mean cock.

lol r76!

OP, I posted upthread about not having a great relationship with my mom. But I cannot tell you how much this thread has moved me. All the stories are sooooooo beautiful. Life is beautiful. Even when it’s so imperfect — it’s still beautiful, if we can just remember that! We all must slow down more so that we can remember. Get away from devices much much more (it is hard, I’m a reader, I love being here and some other sites). If we can remember to see the beauty, it is everything. And I say this as the daughter of a father who died of alcoholism, bad relationship with mom, lots of trauma.

I often struggle to just remember to see beauty and meaning, but it’s there. OP, thank you, you have blessed me.

R69. I meant I think a lot of people don’t dwell on a parent’s death that much if the death happened a long time ago or if you were reasonably old when the parent died. If they died a long time ago, you usually move on. On the other hand, if you lose them when you are already pretty old it’s more or less expected and you have less of life left to live without them

R78, not always. If you are "pretty old" - which I guess means over 50 - it means you've had many years as an adult with your parent(s). For some, that may mean distancing, but for others, the parent becomes as much a friend as a parent since you are now a fully independent adult and interact in a different way. You've had more years to remember and miss.

I'd say it's not (usually) a shock when a parent over 80 dies, but the grief is just as strong, and you've lived most of you adult life with them around, so the loss is keenly felt and leaves an empty space in your now more than half-over life that can't be filled by anyone else. You do move on with your life, of course, but memories are always there and you keep on missing them.

Big hugs OP.....(I miss my Dad)

Well Goddamn it, I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I miss my mom every day. The feeling is worse when I’m going through something and want her advice and help. Or even when I’m sick. She died suddenly (right in front of me and dad) from a massive coronary event when I was in my 20s. I still think it was caused by all the medications her quack doctor had her on, but I’ll never know for sure. She died the same day as Princess Diana, so every year since 1997 I get reminded of that terrible day when there are news stories about the anniversary of Diana’s death.

The thing is, I wasn’t supposed to be there that day. It was Labor Day weekend and I had plans with my friends, but decided at the last minute to go visit my parents. The incident happened less than an hour after I got there. It was traumatic, but I’m so glad I was there. This was before cell phones, so I wouldn’t have found out until I’d gotten home that night if I’d been out partying all day. I’ve always been skeptical about God, higher power, etc., but SOMETHING put me there that day.

Since then, I have also lost my dad (to Alzheimer’s, another long story) and one brother (he was an asshole who I DON’T miss). I have one brother left who is much older and in poor health. It’s a weird feeling knowing that I’ll soon be the only member of my immediate family still alive.