Neighbor's death made me unexpectedly sad because it reminds me of how alone I am

OP, I know what you mean, especially as I am now in my 40s, and will always be single. (I resent the "there's a lid for every pot!!" cliches.)

But you'll be dead. You'll have no need to be remembered. And besides, even people with a wide social circle and many children are forgotten a couple of generations out.

I used to be sad about dying alone. Now I realize that we all die alone: death is an intensely private act, perhaps the most private of one's life. I don't want or need people around me during that moment.

Can you link to the GoFundMe?

My biggest concern, OP, is not just that few will mourn my passing, but that I'll die in some stupid way and nobody will even notice for days, maybe even weeks. Even a best case scenario where I die in my sleep, it's not like anyone ever checks in on my physically, my closest friends and family all live 1000 miles away or more, I don't know my neighbors, and I work remotely. My body will lie in my bed and rot for days. Someone will have to be concerned enough to break into my house to find me.

I've had not much dignity in life... I've been used and abused, never found love or caring, few friends, ... the thought that there's literally no scenario where I die with any dignity bothers me, even though once it happens I'll be dead and won't care. Ugh.

This story haunts me still

Old people do better when they have people who can look out after them some. It’s just a fact that as you age you need more help you depend on others more not less when you need to do stuff like medical visits or physically difficult things etc etc etc.

People who have a network of support and caring do better than those that don’t have that support. And if you are among those that will not have support you need to plan now on how you’re going to deal with that. Because the need will be there.

I am 44 and what gets me is that its highly likely that all of this earthly gorgeousness and charisma that is MOI is going to be reduced to a purple, swollen corpse with my eyes open and my tongue protruding. Found by a property manager months after I expire.

And I will smell like a corpse!

I get this feeling as well occasionally, but then I remind myself that from the perspective of cosmic time, none of it matters anyway. Blink and our sun will be no more.

So, let's be alone together, OP.

Hugs for R3

Content yourself knowing you lived with dignity, OP. Unlike your neighbors, you'll have no mugshots. You'll never be known for violence. A gentleman, from beginning until the end.

People who are used to drama and chaos like that man's family don't know how to function without disruptive elements. They don't know what calmness feels like so they cannot deal with peace. Of course they are "missing" him.

I'm sorry you're feeling your own mortality, OP. But don't envy your neighbor or his family. If you're lonely, there is always time to make new connections.

But you should always feel proud to leave behind a legacy of peace and dignity, brother.

R9 is a gem. Brilliant. That made my day.

Do you have a cat or a dog? If so as a solo when you find yourself laying their unable to move lying in your own shit you have the comforting thought that soon you just might be their last meal. Christ like.

But you will also know that , despite the fact that none of us know a thing about you, that you laid in that shit with peace and dignity.

[quote]And if you are among those that will not have support you need to plan now on how you’re going to deal with that. Because the need will be there.

The irony being that I really need help and support to plan any of that as I have no clue.

[quote]If you're lonely, there is always time to make new connections.

This is an annoying lie, right up there with the "lid for every pot" lie.

[quote] People who are used to drama and chaos like that man's family don't know how to function without disruptive elements. They don't know what calmness feels like so they cannot deal with peace.

I had a cousin who was addicted to drama. Her husband was abusive, she fought with him all the time. She got into a fight with someone at work..an actual throwing hands fight. I worked at the same hospital and was mortified. Anyway, she and her husband divorced and the drama continued in court over child support payments and custody. This went on for several years. One day I heard my mother say to her, “You can’t delete phone messages where he threatens you! You need to keep the tapes and bring them into court with you.”

That’s right. He’d been leaving threatening messages on her answering machine for years and she always deleted them. If she’d just taken the tapes into court, the case would’ve been over.

But then there would be no drama.

I would rather be single and die alone than be involved in a terrible family drama situation every day. Mind you those are two polar extremes. Even single people have friends, neighbors and relatives. Knowing that people will grieve your death is a comforting from an emotional standpoint, but I also see a lot of people live exasperating and terrible personal lives because of bad relatives. So they will still grieve you when you're gone, even if they made you miserable when you were alive.

Your mail would pile up and that would be noticed. For me, I live in a house and know a lot of my neighbors and if they didn't see my dog but my car was in the driveway, they'd know something was up.

Why does it matter you'll be dead anyway. If anything I just want to discard my corpse back to the earth and deny anyone I know from having to come see me at my funeral.

Good Lord. WIth family like that piece of shit, I would much rather be alone. Trashy family.

R9 You are wonderful.

What a story! Everything but the bloodhounds snappin' at her rear end.

OP, I am curious if you think this man dying triggers you because you’re longing for something that you always really wanted? I encourage you to really ponder this, go deep inside yourself and think about your deepest wounds. I suspect that there is a story you’ve been telling yourself for a looooong time, and your story might not be the whole truth, just parts of it. And that’s worth exploring.

As others have stated, if I had to pick drama vs being alone, I’ll take the later every time.

[quote]Your mail would pile up and that would be noticed.

My "mailbox" is one of those mailbox clusters at the end of the street. Nobody SEES the mail. As it is, I rarely get anything significant (I still get a few bills a month, the rest is almost all junk), so I only ever check the mailbox every Sunday. It's usually mostly empty. It would take WEEKS of non-collection before the mail carrier would even think to make a comment, and who are they to say I'm just not out traveling for a few weeks?

Yeah, I can't count on "mail building up" to signal anyone that I'm lying dead in my house. My work would notice my unplanned absence prior to that. But who knows how long it would take someone to try and come to the house and make any kind of police report or something after being unable to contact me? Again, a week? Weeks? Again, my work is all remote.

Hell, why even talk about death... say I break my ankle. And cannot drive. And cannot walk. How do I even get to the doctor? Say I need surgery. They don't let you drive home or take an uber... you need someone to transport you. I have no one. For a PLANNED surgery last year, I paid to fly my cousin down to be my 'person' and stay with me and transport me. She's SUPER busy though... anything unplanned? An accident? A sudden illness that required hospitalization or surgery? It's unlikely she'd be available in any short term.

A few years back, before Covid, and before we went remote, when I actually worked with coworkers every day, I did have my boss drive me to a routine procedure (colonoscopy) and back. That felt weird, and kinda was, but I had no one else.

I can't imagine asking anyone at work to do that for me now. They all have their OWN families and very busy lives.

I'm turning 60 soon, and have nothing. I retire in, what, 7-8 years? Then I won't even have work to notice I'm gone.

I have no idea what's going to happen or what to do.

I am rather young, but tragedies such as death have manifested before my personal life more than the average young guy. Just a small two cents to the overflowing DL thought bubble:

I witnessed someone I very much loved, intimately, die forgotten within weeks after it was announced. He was also gay and had no family. That was enough to make me realize that regardless of how many people are in your life, you're only in the obituaries for a few days, only in the mind of your community for a few weeks, and then you're forgotten. It doesn't matter what causes your death. Society moves on; they must so they can lead to their conclusions one day when they also pass away.

Grief and bereavement is something that comes and goes with all of us. I am pretty sure that when I die, or anyone dying for that matter, the dead don't even receive the message of people missing/loving you. I like to imagine there's more to death (Oprah called it "the secret") -- but I am ready to realize that it's probably nothing. St. Francis of Assisi and Richard Ramirez got the same ending. And I probably will too.

It's no excuse to be a degenerate, a criminal, or to feel sullen with this in mind. Life is an experience, a physical living metaphor that we have been given the opportunity to witness. Let us not squander it; we should enjoy it as much as we can. Through the good and bad. Take care of yourself, OP.

R1, not every pot needs a lid. Milk warming pots usually don't have lids, as lids make the milk more likely to scorch.

I prefer the saying "every old sock meets an old shoe," even though it is just as bullshit as the pots and lids saying.

So far my pots have been meth addicts. I’ll go with being found a bloated green meat bag staining the carpet.

[quote] I am 44 and what gets me is that its highly likely that all of this earthly gorgeousness and charisma that is MOI is going to be reduced to a purple, swollen corpse with my eyes open and my tongue protruding.

I hate to disagree with you, r6, but that’s how we see you now.

Oh God R9. I'm just sorry.

[quote] despite all the drama and brawling when he was alive, everybody seemed genuinely devastated when he died and were sobbing like crazy at the funeral.

Agree with the posters above that it's a drama addiction. I'm sure they're all half-cocked on alcohol or drugs or prescription meds.

The guy who died sounds like a piece of shit.

My family and extended family are into drama, as well. I do tend to stay away.

It’s performative grief OP.

Posting on social media is meaningless. No one cares. People scroll past as they simultaneously watch TV and think about what to have for dinner. These people are “grieving” into a void. You can “like” something or leave a comment while jacking off. It’s all nonsense.

Sobbing at a funeral seems a bit extra given everything you said about their history.

And don’t you worry, Muriel will mourn all dead dataloungers. She sees all and knows all. And her grief is more powerful than all your trash neighbors and their Facebook friends combined.

[quote]I witnessed someone I very much loved, intimately, die forgotten within weeks after it was announced.

Importantly though, you have not forgotten him. Beyond the comparative abstractions of obituaries, community and society, significant personal connections sustain in individual minds.

[quote]the thought that there's literally no scenario where I die with any dignity bothers me

I get you're feeling sad and lonely, but that's getting way over-dramatic. In many, possibly most, scenarios you will end up dying in hospital or a nursing home, same as married people will.

If you're that worried about dying in isolation, move into a retirement village at 55 or 60 and make a few friends there. In addition to nosy neighbours who will notice if they don't see you about, most retirement villages also offer wearable alarms, which you can press if you feel really ill, and will bring you medical attention, hopefully long before you die. You can subscribe to such alarms even in your own house. They install an external key safe to which only you and they have the combination, so that emergency personnel can get in if needed, and when the alarm is triggered the first thing they do is call you. If you don't answer, or sound weird, they call 911 and stay till they get there.

Hell, an Apple watch will detect if you fall down, and if you don't respond to its call it will send your co-ordinates to emergency services.

So do not die undiscovered and rob Datalounge of the opportunity to ask for your stuff.

I have given up the hope of dying with dignity.

I now hope to die with as little suffering and humiliation as possible.

Two common themes on DL

1- I am single, I want to be single, if only could find sex or more sex or even more sex I’d be really happy. Who wants to be some old married guy at 35. Party on.

3-My life sucks, I am no longer 35 now +/- 50., I have no one to help with chores, with bills, with savings for retirement , with medical apts, The sex is only a hope mixed in with lots of porn. I am so dreadfully lonely and miserable I want to die.

Common very common themes.

R3, I've worried about the rot-in-apt thing, too. If you live in an urban area, you might be able to find a public service for seniors that does welfare-check calls every day or a few times a week to make sure you're still kicking. When I'm past 65, I intend to find such a service. If I have to hire someone, I will. 🙏

Your neighbor sounds like he was an awful person despite him being mourned.

R34

Lots of experience yourself with being married to the same fucking person for decades who is now going thru menopause? And lots of first hand experience with raising five fucking kids in-the same fucking house all of whom went thru all that teen age angst ?

What is the old saying about walking in someone’s shoes for a while to understand the burdens and frustration they faced daily.

DL commenting on long term marriages and raising kids is like nuns giving weekend PnP advice.

r34 He was nice in his own way and always helped neighbours with DIY projects/mowing the lawn/painting fences.

Why would you care? Whne you're dead you won't hear anything anyone says about you.

[quote]Neighbor's death made me unexpectedly sad because it reminds me of how alone I am

Oh, sweetie. Selfish even now?

I weeped for weeks after I lost my father even though he was an asshat to me, my mom and older brother. I’m not surprised that they are virtue signaling online, probably just to gain some sympathy. I admittedly milked it a bit too.

I feel you OP but the harsh truth is that some of us will die alone. I see some of the residents at my mom’s nursing home and a lot of them have no one, no one at all. The nursing staff is the only family that they have. It scares me that I may end up the same way.

Let me tell you a little story.

My family once rented a small cottage in a little Scottish village out to an American guy who was basically a recluse. He was in his 70s, dressed well, spent the whole day sitting at the window painting. He was polite but very clear that he wanted to keep himself to himself. If he opened his door and saw someone in the corridor he would step back into his house and wait until they were gone. He wouldn't give us a phone number and expected to be communicated with by letter, and only what was strictly necessary for landlord-tenant business. He also didn't give us any emergency contact details. He occasionally went round the small local golf course by himself.

One day he had a massive stroke (we surmise - the hospital never gave us any info as we weren't relatives) but neighbours saw him and got him to hospital. He lived for a few weeks before dying there. Since we didn't know anything really about him and his stuff was still in our flat, the police gave us permission to open some of his personal effects to try and see if any relations could be traced. And what do you think?

He was a multi-millionnaire. Blue blood American royalty, Phillips Exeter then Harvard. He had childhood friends who became senior figures in the GW Bush administration.

I will be called a troll for this, but I swear to God it is no word of a lie.

Anyway, the relevance is that he might have been a recluse but at least he died in hospital and not alone - so, OP, there's hope.

[quote]He had childhood friends who became senior figures in the GW Bush administration.

Me, too!

[quote]Why would you care? Whne you're dead you won't hear anything anyone says about you.

Don't be so sure! Death is a mystery, maybe you are aware of everything that's happening around you.

A solution is moving to a hotel.

I have no children, my sister has no children, when we're gone, that's it, no more family from our line, no one will think about us again because we don't have children, I'm good and don't care really.

When you read so many of the woe is me my life is unbearable I have no retirement savings I want to die threads I would think that death is a welcome relief for many. Especially as you spend your last miserable days , as many of us will, sick and infirm days waiting for someone to wipe your ass or change the shitty sheets or bring the pain meds..

It’s those days weeks months or years leading up to your actually being dead that are the issue or should be.

R43, how much fucking money do you have?

I'm poor, r46, my suggestion was for those who do have money.

Maybe the family are mourning the father because they miss his paycheck? If he was only in his 50s, he had a few more work years to go before retirement.

If you qualify, sign up for Meal on Wheels. Then if you don't answer the door, they will call someone.

Older gays need to band together. Get over the bitchery and be like the Golden Girls we all love...

Buy one of those "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" buttons.

When you feel like you're about to die, press it.

And I say that, as a millennial who lost his partner far too early to cancer. You guys need to love each other.

I've given up on gay men to be honest. I've checked out of the "gay community". Too cruel, too bitchy, too irresponsible, too flakey, too unfriendly.

My friends are almost all straight or straight-adjacent now, and I'm much happier.

R52 I agree. You take the sexual and competitive aspect out of friendship and it works so much better.

If you're that afraid of your bloated corpse rotting on the floor of your lonely room, just set up a mutual daily check in with a friend who has similar concerns. You don't need to live near each, or even spend much time together in person, just someone reliable who you know fairly well.

Agree to ring each other every day at 7, and if there's no response after 20 minutes the other guy calls 911.

Op is selfish

[quote]just set up a mutual daily check in with a friend who has similar concerns.

This assumes a friend that is local enough to do this, and that you're willing and able to do the same for. This is a big assumption.

The person doesn’t need to be local at all, R56 - the check ins aren’t necessarily designed to get you help in an emergency, that’s not what the OP was worried about — but to alert someone that you’ve croaked and the coroner should come round before your carcass destroys the carpeting.

I’d imagine even friendless loners have at least one person in life they still keep in touch with - and a fellow high school outcast elder is perfect since they will have both the same fear and long stretches of empty time every afternoon.

What's fun is that I keep getting into friendships with these people around my age (ish) who are also single and maybe even "lifetime single", and we have a lot in common.... only for them to find love and get married within a few years. EVERY FUCKING TIME. So even when I find someone who think could be that "let's check in on each other" person... they get a life and a lover and disappear from my life.

Being lonely sucks, but there's no greater loneliness than being in a bad relationship.

R59 I agree. Being in a good relationship is great. But being in a bad relationship is worse than being on your own.

A great relationship is something that happens over weeks maybe months. Then real life sets in. And often that real life means arguments, and at times anger, and differences as far as cleaning, money, sex, friends etc etc etc.

No LTR that is actually a live together LTR is easy

If people are looking for a life time of happy that is a big reason why so many are totally alone and unhappy at 58 .

Now an observation while reading on DL , these are some of the unhappiest, most depressed, in self described need for therapy, allegedly no sex, no one that cares about the poster, no hope for the future people I have ever come across.

I doubt being in a LTR would have helped but being single sure has not.

Being in a LTR takes work from both sides. Not taking either for granted or taking undue advantage. There are way too many factors that come into play over time that can make a relationship difficult. But they can work and do work, but they also often fail. Even successful relationships sometimes diminish over time.

Agree, R62. When one person coasts, your LTR is toast.

In 100 years no one will know who any of us were. No one will care what we did, if we loved, or if we were loved in return. You don’t need external validation, you just need the internal stuff. Be content in the knowledge that you’re a good person and that you did good things.

Thanks R9 - I'll leave this stinkin' life......with DIGNITY.

R64

Or , as what is just as likely , if not more so

“Be content that you are not a good person and there is not a lot being left behind by you that points to a,lot of good things, And accept that fact as well.”

What?

It's a fear all single gay people have I think. I believe you should move closer to the people you know, since u can work remotely. It's no use stressing over something u can't fix. Lots of get an alarm fitted that you pull to get emergency help. I don't live alone but I find myself being careful that I don't choke, when I am home alone. I know why, It's just something that almost happened to me once. But you've identified a problem, I think even u are trying to solve it you'll feel less stressed, as we beat ourselves up for taking no action.

Moving is expensive. And going from a "paid for" house, to moving and having to start a new mortgage, is not something I want to do right before retirement. So I'm pretty much stuck here, 1000 miles away from any of my friends or family.

Set up a live webcam.

If you have been living in a house long enough to have paid it off and ALL your friends are 1000 miles away that says a lot more about you than your friends.

This story HAUNTS me because I would so be a hermit like this if I wasn’t married!

It can even happen to a big big star.

[quote] Being lonely sucks, but there's no greater loneliness than being in a bad relationship.

Indeed. Getting punched in the face every day by an abusive partner who has isolated you from the world is a particularly horrible kind of loneliness.

Don't fret my love. All that will sob after ya is simulated anyway. Enjoy your life in the gay bath houses (but please go to the gym first).