Friendship Blown to Smithereens

Just smoke copious amounts of pot, silly!

Recently happened to me with married friends. I was heartbroken for months and I wouldn't have had a problem reconciling with one but the other one was too far gone for me and I had to cut them both off. Since then I contacted the one I still care for for his birthday and told him I miss him (and only that), and he said he misses me too, but I just don't see how I can be in the same room with both of them again. And I'm finally OK with it. Time heals.

I mean there’s the quote ‘everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime’.

If you both equally can’t find a way to stay friends because of the other’s views, then just put them in the reason and/or season category and move on.

I only use them once because of bacteria

The good news is we're evolving works on progress. The bad news is we're evolving works in progress.

As much as these experiences hurt, I think ossifying myself developmentally would hurt more...would cost more. Pain is the price we pay for growth.

For me, it's never only been about a "stance" or a belief or a value. It would be more about accumulated unpleasant behaviors and experiences that became too much.

I later learned my old friend was a big Trump supporter. So the friendship would never have survived that.

I was fast friends with two boys in high school. One of their families really welcomed me, a child of a single parent, into their fold. I got to know and be close friends with his sister as well (nothing sexual though, she was the 2nd person to whom I eventually came out). She and I eventually became even closer friends, though HS friend and I remained close, having gone to college together.

Fast forward 15 years after college. The sister ghosts me and her brother seems to take her side, semi-ghosting me himself. Perhaps he just tried to stay neutral. It didn’t really work though, we just drifted apart.

It seems, I learned second-hand, that Sister thought my bf and I married and didn’t invite her to the wedding. Seemed like a weird reason, but by the time I learned it, I had made my peace with her absence.

My OG HS friend just recently texted me in an effort to catch up. I’ve been putting off a full rapprochement, I’m procrastinating processing my feelings about it all.

Not directly me, but a friend. My friend 'Amy' would take care of the dog of a mutual friend (Mark). The dog had been ill. Once Mark was out of town, Amy was spending the night at his house dog sitting. The dog died in his sleep. Amy woke up the next morning horrified, of course. Called Mark, called me, took the dog to the vet. Mark got home about 2 hours later and went NUTS on Amy. How could she let his dog die, etc. She didn't. The dog was ill. The vet even said this 14 yr old dog didn't die of neglect or anything (I forget exactly what was even wrong).

Long story short (too late, I know), Mark told her never to speak to him again, the dog was his life (true), etc. I told him to calm the fuck down, the dog would have died had Mark been home as well. Amy and I both never spoke to Mark again.

[quote] Long story short (too late, I know), Mark told her never to speak to him again, the dog was his life (true), etc. I told him to calm the fuck down, the dog would have died had Mark been home as well. Amy and I both never spoke to Mark again.

Mark is crazy. She didn't shoot the dog.

[quote] I’m procrastinating processing my feelings about it all.

Stop processing your feelings, get together with him, and ask him why his sister is such a crazy bitch.

A couple of friends and family members-

Fucking MAGA.

I cut them from my life. I have no remorse. Once they went MAGA I realized they weren’t the people I thought they were.

r9, Mark shouldn't have left his old sick dog in the first place. And if it was unavoidable, should have instructed Amy on what exactly to do in the event he died and/or needed emergency vet care.

My relationship with my bf's sister blew up when she went off on a rant and said some really horrible things to me about her brother, mostly around him not doing enough to care for their elderly mother. He does everything. I cut her off and said she was talking out of her ass, she had no business going there, especially when she can barely manage to visit for more than a couple of days every other year, and she has no idea how much we do and how much help her mother requires. Then she went deep, saying he has plenty of time to do more to help, and I said "this conversation is over" and I hung up. I've blocked her and haven't spoken to her since. My bf does occasionally speak to her but not in my presence, and she usually manages to hurt him and make him feel like shit but that's on him. I can very easily choose not to have a relationship with her.

when things are over, just move on. reflecting on it to learn from some mistake or something is fine - but generally you should just get it out of your head and enjoy the peace. don't seek closure or answers. don't try to show them you're a bigger person or anything. just drop it.

Maybe r14, but I do think there is a counter-tendency, a weird little thrill some people get from "ghosting" people. The need to be a grand inquisitor to shut somebody down and close them off for some heresy or other sin. That is an unfortunate part of our culture these days.

In general, I think if time has passed and somebody like the brother at r8 is reaching out, maybe apologetically, I think you should at least meet with them. And not get all caught up in the weird pleasure of declaring somebody Forbidden Do NOT Engage!

R15 I don't necessarily mean an aggressive ghosting like that - I mean just forget about there being a next step or a resolution. The best way to detach from somebody is to just become really boring and flaky to them, not to pull a sudden disappearing act.

Not trying to start a fight, R16, but isn't that a slow way of ghosting? Seems like on DL, people demand to know exactly what went wrong. They seem to want some type of exit interview. IMO, that's not always possible or preferable. Friendships just do run a course, sometimes.

There is no magic solution, OP. Yes it can be very hurtful. Will fade with time. I find it helpful to remove any reminders of said friend from my possessions. Eventually you may remember the good times but they can just be fuzzy memories in your head, you don't need photos or gifts from the friend around you from this point on.

[quote]The best way to detach from somebody is to just become really boring and flaky to them, not to pull a sudden disappearing act.

That's an interesting idea for one approach, but it sounds kinda tricky to achieve.

[quote]I later learned my old friend was a big Trump supporter. So the friendship would never have survived that.

Sadly, I imagine many people have had this experience over the past eight years or so.

Not exactly. My roommate’s best friend was staying with us. Late one night we got a phone call from a hospital emergency room that the friend had had an accident and needed to be picked up. My roommate had gone to sleep so I woke him up and he said “I need my sleep.” So my other friend who was hanging out and I drove into Manhattan (from Brooklyn) to pick up my roommates best friend.

I moved out. I was horrified that he would leave his friend in an emergency room.

Later, the roommate made an unwelcome move on his best friend’s girlfriend. He even followed her to the airport.

During the pandemic I did a lot of reflecting and just decided it was time to cut some baggage in my life. I was tired of reading some of my old college friend's posts online. It was the same three guys complaining constantly. So I just deleted them, not realizing the fall out. All three went to mutual friends asking why I deleted them, they never came to me. Mind you, they didn't know each other. Different circles. Anyway, it proved exactly what I needed to know. They were toxic people and I was in a different place in my life. Move on and you'll be happier, trust me.

Thank you, all. I asked for words of wisdom and got them .

My good friend went MAGA in 2021 or so. Even worse, he says that he's "independent" but then he quotes Tucker like he's Twain. Meaning, he won't admit to being MAGA and, in fact, gets upset if anyone suggested he is a Trumpster. Which was bizarre.

Still, Iwas actually fine with that. I don't mind people who think differently me and I truly adore this guy. He's super smart and knowledgeable and funny and we have a ton in common beside his political shift. Not to mention a decade of shared history where we've both been there for each other in truly profound ways. He'd also been going through a messy divorce from his wife of 25 years. So I was happy to be there for him in that respect.

But when he started to say that I had "woke mind virus" because I voted for Biden, I knew our friendship wouldn't last. He was relentless in calling me a Nazi, evil, a liar, etc. all because I voted for Biden. His claims were almost too stupid to be offended by. But he had NEVER been like this pre 2021. It was like her became a new person.

He's a drinker (I don't drink at all) and our friendship consisted entirely of talking on the phone at night once a week or so. I knew so much of his political nonsense was the wine/beer talking - he'd always apologize the next morning to some degree. But it grew too much for me. I told him I love him, but I can't talk to him anymore if he can't keep his political "digs" to himself. I said he wasn't changing my mind. So could we just get back to discussing the things in each other lives we used to discuss?

He responded by saying I was "captured by the left" and he needed a year off from our friendship. I agreed. Hung up the phone. He emailed me the next day with another apology. But I didn't respond back. And that's been that for last six months.

And while I do miss him, it's amazing how much of a dark cloud he was in my life. I felt pressure to pick up his phone calls. I felt pressure to not fight back when he leveled me with slurs. I felt pressure when he spoke about how horrible his soon to be ex wife was, because, frankly, I sided with her. I still feel pangs of guilt because the biggest think I feel now is freedom.

I should say that I don't give up on friends. It's not my nature. If you're in my life, you're in my life. So this has been way harder for me than I might be letting on.

[quote] He's super smart and knowledgeable

Impossible if he’s MAGA. Unless he’s rich and selfish.

The friend you thought you had is another person entirely. What you're mourning never really existed. You may have met each other's needs at one time but that time has passed.

Trumptards. No compromise with fascists.

[quote] I should say that I don't give up on friends. It's not my nature. If you're in my life, you're in my life. So this has been way harder for me than I might be letting on.

But face it, you gave up on that friend. It's okay, it really is okay.

Frankly, r24, given his ranting, it sounds like your friend is suffering from mental illness.

R25 he denies being MAGA vehemently. He claims to hate Trump. But claims Biden is evil and a worse monster than Trump. He also proudly doesn't vote, so claims none of it is his mess anyway. He's always been a contrarian. It's part of what makes him him and I don't care about that. But when he started attacking me for my beliefs? And doing so in such a cruel manner? That's when I had to say something.

R28 haha and huge eye roll directed right at you.

R29 I started to realize he has many traits associated with covert narcissism made worse by alcohol abuse.

[quote] But when he started to say that I had "woke mind virus" because I voted for Biden, I knew our friendship wouldn't last. He was relentless in calling me a Nazi, evil, a liar, etc. all because I voted for Biden. His claims were almost too stupid to be offended by. But he had NEVER been like this pre 2021. It was like her became a new person.

More like a psychotic break then a personality disorder.

Yes, OP.

Words of wisdom? Get over it and, in time, reflect on whether your principles were worth it.

[quote]Have you ever experienced the ending of a friendship in which something was so important to both of you, and your stances were so mutually irreconcilable, that there was just no way to preserve the relationship?

Yes. Someone once told me he didn't like blue.

I've never looked back.

R33, are you Joey Luft?

bump 4 more.

I’m in this now. I had 3 best friends and about a month ago we had a fight and I detached.

What’s painful is even though I detached, none of them made an effort to fix it and seem to have moved on.

I think about it everyday and it consumes me. It’s too painful to reconcile, but I hate missing them. They are still friends so I know they just continued on without me. That is painful too.

I’m sorry OP that you are going through it too. I have faith it will get easier with time…but it sucks right now

R36 all three are no longer speaking to you?

What was the fight about?

Boy, have we got a story for you, OP!

[quote]it's amazing how much of a dark cloud he was in my life

This guy was toxic before he went maga. I have an uncle, my mother's younger brother, who she recently disconnected from. She misses him terribly but she said the exact same thing. She does not miss his narcissism which dragged her down but didn't realize it until he was absent. He's not maga, actually very liberal, but he's toxic and has been unable to maintain relationships due to his narcissism even with his own kids. He's kindness and generosity personified until you don't meet his expectations or do what he thinks you should do then he cuts you off with a razor.

You just move on. People will come and go throughout your whole life. Sometimes it is because they need you or sometimes you need them. Sometimes you need to learn from them or them from you. They come into your life when they are supposed to and leave when it is time to go. As hard as it may be, just let go.

Life goes on- if you cannot find a path to forgiveness or compromise. I lost 2 “best friends” years ago. One descended into alcoholic ranting and lying, and the other stole customers from peers in a job that I got him into-

I couldn’t stop the rants (or the alcoholism) and the other never apologized or even gave a slight indication that he had been abusive or offensive to his peers on the job. He was fired! It was as if I was to blame for his poor judgement.

I recall when our friendships were good, fun, enriching and mourn the ruptures. I certainly had nothing to apologize for so at an impasse- life goes on.

[quote] What’s painful is even though I detached, none of them made an effort to fix it and seem to have moved on.

You could have tried to fix things before you "detached." People assume that you no longer want to spend time with them and they leave you alone. I hate playing games with friends.

R36 there was suspicion amongst friends that I had lied about something. I felt betrayed by this and detached.

R42 I’m not playing games. They hurt me and I’m very upset to have lost them but I also feel like after all these years, if they really wanted me in their life they would make an effort for that happen.

OP, I am IN this shit right now.

Friendship of multiple decades ending due to my poor judgment in a joint business venture (goddamn, I know better, why I made an exception to mixing business/personal, I’ll never get over my mistake). And simultaneously, I lost a family member to suicide at the same time my friendship was ending. It has *rocked* me.

But what have I learned? That now I have to heal my original childhood trauma, like yesterday. I have to face my demons. I have to let go more. I have to change. The other thing specific to my friend who I am losing, another great friend said to me, “I don’t believe you can abandon an adult.” Meaning I feel SO much torment that I can’t be with my friend right now, the guilt is so big, but I must stop telling myself that I have abandoned my friend because that’s not the whole story. I can’t do the crazy train with my friend anymore. So trying to change my mindset around boundaries (with both friends and family) has been extremely humbling and exhausting. I’m not abandoning my friend if I choose sanity??? Good to know. I’m not a bad person for canceling my narcotic-addicted litigious relative who tried to get my sibling fired? My family has told me over and over (using other words) that I am a bad person for getting said toxic relative out of my life and not allowing that relative near my children. I had no idea how hard they judged me all these years, their judgement hurt just as much.

Also, I have C-PTSD which has made this friendship situation more painful, the only good is that now I can see how much my own trauma has damaged me and my relationships. I really thought that all the therapy had corrected it, but I was wrong. I can’t keep running from this fact, and I want to do better. And I need help to get there.

OP, my SE therapist always says,” everything is always about boundaries.” As someone who never learned any self-worth, self-love, self-compassion, it has been so painful to set a boundary with a lifelong friend. It still hurts me. But I also finally understand that it’s what I had to do for my mental health. So in my head, while I know I did the right thing by setting a hard boundary with my friend, my heart still hurts. But I am just trying to trust that ultimately my heart will heal. Life is hard. Life is not fair. It’s better to lower your expectations, both of people and life in general.

My mantra, though I still forget it at times, is “move slower, softer, and without drama.” If the people around me stop me from my mantra, I can’t be around them. Be well OP.

As my grandmother used to say, "Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people."

Sudden endings are more about identifying what you stand for and believe vs. what you do not want in your life.

Before Qanon, MAGA, and the Tea Party we had “That’s the church/synagogue we WON’T attend”. It was a way to establish what you are not.

I moved away from poor, uninterested, uneducated, xeno/homophobic dipshits because I believed differently. I moved to an area filled with white collar, educated professionals.

The bigot test always occurred within three months of friendliness. I’d have to listen to some lame excuse for hating some group and I’d ghost. Gay white men spout the same hate speech as girlfriend abusers.

I once had a friend who would pipe up "Me TOO" whenever I said I was molested.

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I got tired of the excuses and ghosting of a longtime friendship. One ghosting incident cost me hundreds of dollars when I rented a cabin and this friend backed out on the day we were supposed to arrive. There were no refunds, so I stayed and goofed off. The friend never offered a reimbursement for his half.

I blocked the contact, unfriended and blocked on Facebook. He still has my email address but no attempt has been made to contact me. I shouldn’t have felt crushed, but I did. I kinda still do. But I’m not the only friend to jump ship over his lack of self awareness.

R49, ghosting happens once, usually. Sounds like you're talking about a flakey friend.

What's hard is when you stop with a true friend, and you know his good side, and good intentions, yet he (or she) has some kind of damage and your own self respect can't abide the years of excusing the bad behavior or lack of respect that is about the damage.

I'm talking about mendacity related to intent.

The friend will implode if they apologize for bad behavior or disrespect. So they lie to themselves and to you. And the ad hominem tactics - changing the terms of a disagreement - turning the tables. Projection. These are the tactics of an immature or damaged person and you over look them because you know it's not really about you, it's about them. But there comes a time when it's just TOO MUCH. Especially as you get older and just expect people to be more integrated and honest. Enough bullshit.

It's tough because that's not all the person is, but it's the repetition of this scenario.

R50 maybe that’s a better way to say it. I would have to initiate phone calls and do all the planning. He can be a good guy and generous but friendship goes both ways, haha.

What? That sounded like a word salad.

[quote]I got tired of the excuses and ghosting of a longtime friendship. One ghosting incident cost me hundreds of dollars when I rented a cabin and this friend backed out on the day we were supposed to arrive. There were no refunds, so I stayed and goofed off. The friend never offered a reimbursement for his half.

How did he back out? Did he do it by phone or email or text? However he did it, that's horrible, but unless he just didn't show up and didn't let you know he wasn't going, that's not "ghosting."

My bother and his wife have been ghosted by their daughter. She sent her mother a message telling her that unless her mother quit her job she would be unable to have a relationship with her. My sister in law works for the county prosecutors office helping put together homicide cases and my niece is anti-police and has gone way far left as in no police at all.

According to the definition I just found online, "ghosting" means "the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication."

Some people who are posting here don't seem to understand this. R55, your niece gave her parents a clear explanation for why she ended their relationship, so as awful as that is, its not "ghosting."

Many DLers are not intelligent and have low reading comprehension. And some are lazy and don't read much at all. Nevertheless, they want to post and chat and be a part of something.

I have never cut a friend off because of political differences. I think it speaks very poorly of those who do unless of course the other guy is an asshole independent of their political beliefs.

R58 I’m R12 who cut The MAGA cultists from my life.

To be clear, MAGA is not a political party akin to Republican or Democrat.

It’s a core belief system that embraces discrimination, xenophobia, homophobia, misogyny and hatred.

Shunning MAGA has nothing to do with political differences. It’s a line in the sand that says I will not associate with those who embrace abhorrent ideals and are therefore abhorrent to me.

I had a friend that I knew from college days. Seemingly out of nowhere, she started going to a big box evangelical church. We were already friends and did remain friends for a long while, but it was a head-scratcher. Unless I were desperate, I wouldn't choose to make a new friend out of an evangelical Christian or a Trump voter.

Most friendships have a life cycle, on average 7 - 10 years.

Hole blown to smithereens

R61 7 year itch

Thanks, R69. I sincerely hope that R58 has enough basic intelligence to understand the clear distinction.

Most friendships are situational. People outgrow each other and move on. It’s not the end of the world and most people don’t have bad intentions.

I no longer view friendships ending as a tragedy, it’s just a natural part of life. People who hold onto friendships well past their expiration date are pathetic.

R65, all of that may be perfectly true in certain cases, but then there are lots of friendships that end because of truly bad behavior on someone's part. That's what we're discussing here, not friendships that naturally run their course without any dramatic breakup.

I forgive bad behaviour and disrespect. It's when there is no expressed regret or apology, or worse, gaslighting about the bad behaviour.

Why, yes!

[quote] I moved away from poor, uninterested, uneducated, xeno/homophobic dipshits because I believed differently. I moved to an area filled with white collar, educated professionals.

[quote]The bigot test always occurred within three months of friendliness. I’d have to listen to some lame excuse for hating some group and I’d ghost. Gay white men spout the same hate speech as girlfriend abusers.

You’re insufferable.

I’ve probably written about this elsewhere but yes I had a longtime friendship end mainly because my friend introduced me to her other friend who was so dumb and shallow that she seemed to be mentally handicapped (sorry if that’s not the politically correct term).

My friend was offended that I didn’t want to hangout with her and her “special” friend. I never looked at my friend the same way again.

I realized that in her mid-20s she was obsessed with re-living her junior high/high school days. It was literally all she ever talked about. I found this creepy and sad. What 25 year old wants to reminisce about when they were 15?!

Anyway, I slowly cut her out of my life. She caught onto what I was doing and she sent my family and I several nasty emails.

I've shared this before on some thread here but I had a friend who was a trick.....stayed friendly after my BF and I got together.

He came to visit a few times and on one visit he arrived super early in the morning, I'd just gotten back from traveling the day before.....I guess I wasn't sparkly enough or sufficiently happy to see him and he went off on me.

I'm guessing he had feelings for me or something but.....he wrote a 4000 word rant that basically puked up everything he hated about me, and I told him don't ever contact me again, and that was that.

[quote] I had a friend who was a trick

Say no more.

I used to be a people person until people ruined it.

r70 "sent my family and I"

Oh, dear!

R74, I'm not r70, but that is what I was taught to write as well. What is the correct way, and when did it change?

R72 Yes, and I learned my lesson after that.

Never try to remain friends with former fuck buddies or tricks.

[quote]What is the correct way, and when did it change?

The obvious variation is, 'sent my family and me...' - because if the family wasn't involved, you wouldn't write or say, 'sent I', rather, 'sent me.'

R71 I’m thinking you were right and the trick did have feelings for you on some level. He probably felt rejected by your glib behavior that morning and he lashed out. I think you made the right decision to ask to not be contacted again, but I’m sorry you lost a friend that meant something to you at one point.

Romance and friendship never mixes well. Those people who say they are friends with their ex….i have respect for. I can’t do it.

How did I know that this was a thread full of idiots with arrested development throwing temper tantrums because others dared not agree with them politically? Grow the fuck up.

R78 I felt bad initially - I wasn't trying to be glib, was just exhausted from traveling the day before. But yeah, having him basically spew a rant of everything that ever annoyed him about me....that killed any remaining regret.

[quote]How did I know that this was a thread full of idiots with arrested development throwing temper tantrums because others dared not agree with them politically?

It's not about politics, it's about morals and being smart enough to recognize evil and fascism -- as many people have noted, but you apparently don't get it, which marks you as an idiot and/or evil yourself.

I did walk away from a friendship for (somewhat, sorta) political reasons. This was probably 15 years ago.

Had a close friend in HS - we stayed friends, I even crashed with him briefly while apartment hunting. He'd been with his partner for many years.

Suddenly....really suddenly, it seemed, they just went hard right. He and his partner - two gay men - were listening to really, really toxic talk radio (Michael Savage) and basically, even though they were together as partners, started becoming very anti-gay. Which concerned me more than any specific political thing.

I wouldn't have defriended them for voting for Bush or McCain, etc. We all grew up in a blue collar rust belt area that could have streaks of conservatism, so that wasn't the issue. It was the self-loathing of the antigay sentiments, and the intensity of the hate that emanated from them toward other groups. As the kids would say today, the math wasn't mathin'. Something felt very off.

I haven't spoken to them in many years but I have no doubts they're probably QAnon followers now. That's the kind of lunacy and energy they were channeling back then. Very sad.

What R81 said. It's not politics. It's realizing these people are morally flawed and support someone who is a homophobic, racist, misogynistic rapist and want to turn the clock back to Jim Crow. In their world anyone who isn't a white, Christian male is a third class citizen.

Exactly, R83. And don't forget, many of these fascists hate gay people as well -- even white, Christian gay men.

A New Zealand friend of 25+ years ended up settling in Georgia in the US, where he opened a computer repair business after marrying a local woman to obtain a green card. He was apolitical when I first met him, knowledgeable about a lot of different subjects (especially history and the natural sciences) even though he claimed not to read, and a good guy overall. Around 2015, he "radicalized." He would phone me, all excited, to tell me about various debunked conspiracy theories, and started sending me links to extremely dodgy far-right websites. He was of the "Look, I don't like Trump either, but ______ [*insert list of alleged positives about Trump*]" type. On our shared birthday (January 4th) this year, I finally blocked him as I was no longer able to tolerate his views.

Similar story to R49. Work friend (female) for about 5 years. She had a contact who would let us rent one floor of a 2-story house at the NJ shore. We gave the initial deposit in February for a July rental date. We would have been staying for a week. About a month or so later, she meets this rich-appearing (I don't if he was) guy who worked for Citigroup in NYC. We were in northern NJ which was about an hour by train. Anyway, she starts seeing this guy. I met him a few times and he seemed nice.

It was getting closer and closer to us having to pay the final installment on the rental (about $750 for each of us) and I asked her if she still wanted to do the share. I wanted to make sure because the deposit was non-refundable. She assured me she was going. After we make the final payment, she flakes out on me. I offered it to my sister and she went with me. The weather was shitty the entire week we were there.

She got hers in the end, though. Rich guy dumped her shortly after our week vacation took place so she was out $750. I was pissed because I wouldn't have rented the house otherwise. Long Beach Island (LBI) is in a remote place and, with shitty weather, it was like being stranded in the middle of nowhere. She avoided me at work after that.

I saw her at local Chinese food restaurant. She married some lowly IT guy and had 3 kids. So much for marrying a rich guy! Shouldn't have chased the money.

R86, did she flake out because she wanted to spend ALL of her time with the new guy? Do you think the new guy was jealous of your relationship with that woman, even though it was just a friendship? I don't fully understand why she couldn't keep her plans for a one-week vacation with a friend.

Anyway, at least she made the final payment before flaking out. But it was still a shitty thing to do. Although, personally, I thin the fact that she thought the guy was rich is irrelevant -- it would have been wrong for her to back out on your vacation even if the guy was a pauper.

Having written what I just did (at R87), I have a story somewhat similar to R86's. I recently invited a friend to a Broadway show, and he gladly accepted. That was several weeks in advance of the date, but then, two days before the show, he told me he couldn't go because it turned out his boyfriend had made plans for the both of them for that date. I asked him why he hadn't made a note of that in his calendar, and he said his boyfriend never gave him a date. Apparently, the boyfriend just expected my friend to be available whenever.

Fortunately, I was able to find another friend to use the ticket, but I was really upset over the lack of consideration. I wouldn't say it's a friendship ender, but definitely not cool, and I think it will be a long time before I invite that friend to anything else.

R87, we weren't best friends; just regular friends. There was no need for jealousy on his part. I always wondered if she cancelled IN CASE the boyfriend wanted to do something that week/weekend (it was a Sunday to Saturday rental). She just flaked on me with no real notice or reason. The $750 was alot of money for me at that time. I could have spent it elsewhere. The place was in a shitty area;the closest movie theater and mall was over an hour away. I would never have gone there otherwise.

Flakiness, in general, is just a friendship killer. It shows a lack of respect. I tend to spend more one-on-one time with people (rather than group activities), so if one person flakes, that's a big deal. (I blocked out time for nothing. I could have planned for and done something else.) In a group, if you have one flakey friend, it's not such a big deal. People roll their eyes and move one.

[quote] As my grandmother used to say, "Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people."

My grandmother Perdita Mace once told me “an ounce of ketchup in your lady ham can be of service at the strangest hour”

[quote]Flakiness, in general, is just a friendship killer. It shows a lack of respect.

Exactly. I don't think flakey people have any comprehension of this, but it's absolutely true. I once made a date with a friend to go to a show, and he canceled day-of because he said he felt "tired." No more invites for him after that.

Yes.

The loss of a friendships (either b/c of disagreement, or b/c I moved away and neglected them) is one of the few things I regret about my life. My advice is: don't let it happen. Good friendships are a gift.