Jake Gyllenhaal’s Roadhouse premieres this week

I will ignore it because he shaved his body hair for that role.

He's looking better with age, I must say, as someone who always found him odd and boyish looking, body hair or no

She is a "desperate attention whore" just like Miss Bradley Cooper, Miss Mendes& Timothee.

I can't wait to see this.

Did he also shave pube?

Men's Health video on Jake's workout routine:

Don't make me say it.

I have no interest.

I am watching it right now! I believe that he is a butch UFC champion!

It's like watching Derek Zoolander beat people up.

Even his pit hair is ugly.

How many notches on his bedpost did he get with that physique?

Bless her heart.

Ugh. He is the Bradley Cooper of the B list.

I saw him at Urth Cafe right after he did Jarhead. He's way more attractive in person.

He’s UGLAY

There's just something creepy about him, as if he relishes eating live ants.

Mr Gayllenhaal ... Hollywood on Line 1

I just watched it. Boring !!! No plot. Just his piercing blue eyes, smirks, blood on his face and his ridiculously perfect body.

Ok. He really worked out. Good. If I want to watch boxing, that’s one thing .

This movie is mainly fight scenes , ok, bones cracking , he so strong …. We get it and then a couple seconds of the most stupid thin plot.

Others feel free to disagree . I guess if you like to watch fighting , chairs broken , etc

He was hotter before the steroids, testosterone doesn't suit his face well.

Jake is one of the best things about it, but though the original was nothing special this is worse for being a tongue-in-cheek, digitalized retread lacking any surprises.

With no characterizations or performances besides his that score, and with even the most dire blows to the body in the fight scenes being obvious special effects, the whole thing is inconsequential, dull and a waste of two hours.

Best seen on a Friday or Saturday night with takeout Chinese and a few drinks under your belt.

Loved it ! Even at 43 Jakey can present hole with the best of em!

easily one of the worst movies ever made.

[quote] I just watched it. Boring !!! No plot. Just his piercing blue eyes, smirks, blood on his face and his ridiculously perfect body.

Total BUTCH COSPLAY.

R16's comparison to Bradley Cooper is spot on.

Both over-the-hill closet cases, obsessed with hyper-masculinity.

And both are most definitely over compensating.

It's sad, really.

Whoever thought they'd remake Roadhouse? My God, Hollywood is just weird.

But did they keep THE iconic line for the original?

“I used to fuck guys like you in prison!”

NO, they did not keep that line...watched it tonight-pretty terrible

Who's playing the Ben Gazzara part?

R28 They modified it

"I used to fuck guys like you at Lakers games!

Im watching this and all I can think of is WHY

WHY does this exist?

It says nothing. It exists because the Swayze Roadhouse exists. Roadhouse is Swayze and Swayze is Roadhouse. Swayze was famous because he had effortless charm. This is Swayze. Not a great actor, but charming. Gyllenhaal is a great actor. But for whatever reason, he decided to play Dalton as someone as taciturn, aloof and monotone.

JG is batshit

I just need the chest hair and can’t get past it. Thankfully he has time for more chapters in his life and career.

Jakey is doing his sensitive but tough schtick. Sadly he's never been able to do the "tough" part convincingly.

R35 because of his voice?

Because of his coin slot.

What about Conor MacGregor?

I would love to fall in love with him.

It is a failure. He should have done Prince of Persia 2 instead.

Jake's next project is THROUPLE with Anne Hathaway and Nicholas Galitzine.

^ Now I would pay to see that.

That midget Connor guy was so annoying

This movie is going to bomb and will likely be his worst for an opening and at the box office. People aren’t feeling this. It’s a weird time of year to get out to see a film like this. Straight guys, who it’s also aimed at, aren’t going to leave their March Madness/Sweet 16 tourneys to see half naked Gayke Gyllenhaal. Plus, it’s already been done and the premise is kind of old and tired.

It’s not happening.

R44 it went direct to streaming you freaking dumbass

Rotten Tomatoes already has it at rotten per the audience score. It’s barely fresh with critics at 60%, that number will come down once it’s on wide release.

Hit a nerve R45? Good. Stay mad cunt.

R47 yes it hit a nerve. I can’t stand when idiots begun arguing about something they haven’t even bothered to learn about.

It’s like talking to children.

He is also remaking one of my favorite courtroom mysteries of all time, Presumed Innocent. It will be a miniseries. Jake is such a great actor to me. Of the popular contemporaries he, Bradley Cooper, Lakeith Stanfield, and Daniel Kaliyah are in a league of their own. I put Leo in his own stratosphere, though BC is the best actor out of the bunch.

We don't serve coffee here.

I take reviews for genre films like this with a grain of salt. The host looks good and I plan to watch it this weekend.

Teacake Publicist😂

R49 Translation:

Let's move on from Jake's latest flop to his next flop.

R53 This is an Amazon exclusive release. How are you measuring its success. You do realize it’s not in theaters and is currently in Amazon’s top 10.

^ Give it up hon. His expired by date was 2008

R55 Ok that may be true but I’m sick of cunts posting lies about actors or penetrations whom they personally don’t care for. This shit isn’t a flop and then yall cunts change the mafuckin argument.

Entertainers*

He looks like a hobo.

R45 = Troll Killer

Someone call in the bomb squad....because this is gonna flop

It's absolutely terrible. Couldn't sit through half an hour of it. No one is likeable in it.

[quote] Ok that may be true but I’m sick of cunts posting lies about actors or penetrations whom they personally don’t care for. This shit isn’t a flop and then yall cunts change the mafuckin argument.—TeacakeRises

Now you know how everyone on here feels about you everytime you return with another fucking account.

This should be considered for the worst film of the year, that's how bad it is. Every supporting actor in it is godawful, from the largest to the smallest roles, no one can act. The women in it are complete ciphers. The CGI is so terrible it looks like it cheap special effects from a 1960s drive-in movie.

And the worst of the worst, Conor MacGregor. This guy should win a Razzie every year for the next 10 years for this role alone. I don't think I've seen a worse debut performance since Pia Zadora in Butterfly. But at least that was fun.

Jake is incredibly miscast and brings nothing to the film. And the director and screenwriters could not make up their minds what sort of film they wanted to make, so the tone is all over the place. The comdy falls flat and the seriousness is laughable.

It's a massive piece of shit.

R62 Shut yo mafuckin hating ass up. Learn to love yourself. I can teach you.

Jake is such a hetero man's man!

[quote] Shut yo mafuckin hating ass up. Learn to love yourself. I can teach you.—TeacakeRises

Keep snortin', whitey.

I’m very pro-remake.

Remakes have been happening for 100 years in Hollywood. Good stories need to be updated for young audiences. Silent films were remade into talkies, black and white films were remade into color, etc, etc. Some stories need generational remakes like “A Star is Born”.

With that said, “Roadhouse” was just not a good story. It was just an 80’s movie for Swayze to be sexy in.

Like if you look at Tom Cruise, I could see a remake of “The Outsiders” being worthy of a remake cause it’s a story that could grab a younger generation while still having the potential to be a success with critics.

But not a Tom Cruise movie like “Cocktail”! That would just be stupid! And that’s exactly what this “Roadhouse” remake is.

I originally thought this film, when it was announced, was an attempt to market Gyllenhaal as more laconic, easygoing and proletarian than he’s been veering (actors do this kind of rebranding all the time).

Instead, Gyllenhaal played the character Aspergic.

Why?

Now, twice doing press for this movie, Gyllenhaal has brought up Batman.

Was this film an audition for Bruce Wayne? But is that role even open for recasting?

R68 his eyes are too close together for the mask. An aspergig trait.

R69 The other way around. Aspergians usually have very wide spaced eyes, usually evident in childhood, like this:

I have a feeling Jake is not going to be an attractive old man. His face has looked old and haggard for years.

R68 awww, love his humility. Yes he grew up rich and in Hollywood circles but he seems so relatable.

When he's bearded (the face, not the broads) he looks Iranian.

R73 I think it is the Swedish-German genetics. It gives him longer legs and a tall European body instead of a small rat structure Timothy, RDJ and Ben Shapiro have. But he retains the Jewish-desert-look. That's why everyone thinks Jake is so hot but I wish he would stop smoking cigarettes. His yellow teeth... ugh

Half Jews are often extremely striking

The buzz around this flic is the buzz of flies around a turd.

R72 the last Gyllenstan. Who knew.

R72 back when I was a teen and had a crush on him ( during prince of persia), I read that his parents once stuffed him into a working camp or something. They did that so that he learns to appreciate being famous and being humilitaded (is that the word? Sorry I am European). What did he work in that camp that made him less stuck up?

Just watched it. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either.

The translation of the story from corrupt cajun country to the laid-back Florida Keys didn't really work.

And they completely missed the entire point and spirit of the original movie. They made the Dalton character WAY less sympathetic. Turned him into a cold-blooded killer. Murderer.

There was one funny line though. I'll give it that.

No "Sam Elliott" character at all. They just excised that character completely.

No "Buddhist" vibes at all. Dalton's backstory in this is that he killed his friend in an extreme fighting ring by "losing it" and just punching and punching. He has a sad, tragic backstory that colors his character as an unlikable murdering machine.

The fact that the bands in the Roadhouse keep calmly playing while the most over-the-top and completely senseless violence breaks out just breaks credibility & believability.

And yeah, that Conor MacGregor guy is bad. Like, his only talent is showing his ass (Jake does NOT show his like Patrick did)... which he does twice. Once in the movie, and once post credits. It's not even that great of an ass. He's so over-the-top it's stupid.

Death is treated so casually as well. People are killed right and left and nobody seems to really care or be affected by it in the least. The movie utterly lacks the humanity of the original.

POS except for...

I wonder how bad Jake smelled during that Men's Health shoot...?

R78 it is called a kibbutz

Mum is a screenwriter and started sending lil Jackey to auditions and a shrink when he was 10yo. You can only imagine what a fucked up Hollywood nepo baby he is at 41yo.

R84 You sound so psychotic.

^

[quote] You sound so psychotic.—TeacakeRises

This may be the most ironic thing ever posted on the DL.

R87 Nothing about me is psychotic. So what I’m a fan of Queen Bey and excellent Hollywood male actors. I am an aspiring actor myself. I ain’t tripping off angel dust, occasionally, anymore.

Geez, that's a rough 43.

Teacake isn't 43. He's 63.

He looks more Auchwitz than Men's Fitness

R90, Hoe I’m 35. I’m in a good mood tho. You beautiful cunt you.

Once more for ole times..

Jake Gyllenhaal's obit will read:

He was fucked in a tent by Oscar winner Heath Ledger.

[quote]He was fucked in a tent by Oscar winner Heath Ledger.

I hate to admit it, but that scene hit the emotional notes extremely well and was very hot.

What were the emotional notes? Fear and loathing?

Fear and LONGING, dumbass.

It’s my favorite bisexual tragedy movie!

Gyllenhaal has never had with any of his female co stars the sexual chemistry he had with Heath Ledger. Years later Jake admitted he was "enamoured" with Ledger.

I read an article written by a PA who dated him for a few months. He and his family are disgusting. The mother flat out told the poor girl he will never marry you, I won't allow it. He used her for the whole filming of the movie then when it was done pretty much ghosted her. His sister is an absolute cunt. They whole family seems psycho.

R88 please tell us about your casting couch stories.

I think it was because it was the very first time he felt foreskin R98

Some of you MASSIVELY uptight cunts are taking this schlockfest WAY too seriously. Yes, it is a horrible movie. The original was a horrible movie, redeemed at least in part by its abject absurdity, culminating in the infamous "I used to fuck guys like you in prison!" bit.

Conor McGregor is a terrible actor who chews through scenery like Liza after her TWENTIETH doll of the day. That's because he's a ridiculously jacked UFC fighter, and not a trained actor at all. (PERFECT ass though.) OTOH Jake chewed through plenty of scenery himself in what I think was his most recent role besides this, in "Ambulance." ("Directed by Michael Bay" says it all about that one.)

The movie ranged from ridiculous to flat-out batshit-crazy, but all the over-the-top theatrics were both entirely intentional and entirely part of the fun. And while I agree he looks better with chest hair, HOLY FUCK was Jake jacked!! Also a pleasant surprise to see Lukas Gage in it, if only because openly gay actors STILL don't get nearly enough hetero roles.

OTOH a MUCH better actor for Jake's role would've been Alan Ritchson, given that he's basically playing a Jack Reacher equivalent. (All the way down to leaving town on a Greyhound bus carrying nearly nothing.) Unfortunately that's also the reason they *couldn't* hire him, despite Ritchson being a far more plausible option in terms of beating up one of the most savage MMA competitors *ever*: he's already Reacher! Jake at least faked it well, but the number of rapid cuts alone make it amply clear that this was no "John Wick" and Jake *definitely* didn't do most of his own stunts.

You bitches need to unclench. As Cristal Connors would tell you, there's nothin' wrong with a D-movie, darlin'. Sometimes they're SO absurd they transcend awfulness, and while "Showgirls" clearly passes that test, I don't know if this reboot will do so, even over time. (And in case you missed the MCU-esque post-credits scene, Conor's character somehow survived being stabbed 20 times in the chest & ran out of the ER in a hospital gown, bare ass once again exposed for all to see. Expect a sequel, in other words.)

The original Roadhouse was D-Movie. This remake is a Z-Movie.

The original Roadhouse had heart. And soul.

This movie has neither.

Why is every actor better than Jake in this movie????

He’s a truly terrible actor. Why does he have any sort of career?

[quote]I think it was because it was the very first time he felt foreskin

a) He’s Swedish

b) That just makes you appreciate cut guys more when you are also cut.

Indeed R107. I've heard that story too. They wanted to circumcise him being born in the United States of Freedom where you are routinely robbed of the freedom of keeping your foreskin but then his parents said they are Swedish and the doctors replied: "OK, we ain't gonna do it n-word". - national celeb magazine 2007

R98, Heath Ledger was cut. There is a nude photo of him during the shooting of "Brokeback Mountain".

R108, Jake is Jewish and he has talked about being circumcised:

R109 Nonono I saw the picture of Heath and he had a worm and Jake used a stunt double for the nude parr because he was allegedly ashamed of his circumcision scar.

Heath uncut with foreskin partially retracted. Gyllenhaal used a stunt double because he's a pansy.

R75 is Adam Lavigne also half Jew?

Conor McGregor can sit on my face anytime. Love Irish men.

R106 He was absolutely brilliant in Nightcrawler and Brokeback. He is one the best of his type, much better than Mark Wahlberg.

R108 what in the ghetto mentally ill hell?

R98 Ledger was almost certainly neurodivergent. Two neurodivergent people will have chemistry with each other.

See also: All of Us Strangers

R116 Troll needs to be beaten to death with a tire iron.

R116 Ok but why did Chris Evans and Henry Cavill never speak to each other again after they met?

I thought it was being renamed Roidhouse.

^R119 Bravo

Don't all these Roids, HGA,ozempic,diuretics that he had to take to get ripped plus the cocaine take a toll on his 41 yr old bod?

His arms aren't big enough in the movie. Look like little pencil arms compared to Connor.

R99 I'm glad he's gotten all the ire of the swiftie mob.

He's a Jew. The only foreskin he has is the one in his ass.

R118

Probably because Evans would talk unceasingly about bipartisanship while Cavill would just want play video games.

But they would have chemistry onscreen if they were ever put opposite each other.

R118 Doorstop + Block of Wood= Yawn

r121 The fast bulk method has not changed. Tren and Clen. Tren to get the big muscles fast and Clenbuterol, a horse asthma medicine that reps up your metabolism to turbo level. A short cycle of tren will make them super horny and masculine.

R127 and masculine?😂

Who plays the Kelly Lynch role, Is there a sensitive doctor role in this remake?

Meh. Sorta? Not really.

R129

This was such a nothing movie. I don’t understand what Gyllenhaal was doing in this. He just laughed his way through the movie. He needs new representation. Why was Connor McGregor dancing with a golf club? His line readings were terrible. When I see Lukas Gage I’m reminded of that awful apartment he lived in.

The croc was the best part. And Jessica Williams.

I can’t believe Doug Liman wanted anyone to see this, let alone a theatrical release. It was so sexless. And Billy Magnusson? Embarrassing.

The biggest shocker was the Doug Lyman directed this. This guy made Edge of Tomorrow and the Borne Identity. You would think at the very least he would have done something stylistically or narratively interesting, or metatextual. It was just presented at face value.

The only possibly reason for this existing is that this was an “audition” for a Batman collaboration between Gyllenhaal and Lyman.

Jessica Williams was great, but not given enough to do.

Lukas Gage, beautiful to look at but appeared too briefly.

Billy Magnussen was good as the campy villian. But he too needed more of the camera.

Jake was okay. He recycled some of his unhinged Donnie Darko faces.

The young Charlie character, and her father, at the bookstore were boring and unnecessary.

The female doctor was ridiculous.

Agreed with poster/s above - the crocodile stole the movie.

The whole "getting a straight-razor shave on a boat" scene was stupid and ridiculous.

He recycled some of his unhinged Donnie Darko faces.

Cute on a 24 yo fucking creepy on a 41yo

Hmm:

Lukas: Out gay dude

Jake: Toothy Tile

Connor: Too stupid to realize following gay porn actors pops up on your feed…and was busted.

So, daily 3-ways in Jake’s trailer? Twice daily?

Thoughts?

Gyllenhaal needed to do a full-frontal scene if he wanted to bring in a bigger gay audience.

R135 it was bad homage to this scene

R138, he didn't even do an ass shot, like Patrick Swayze did.

The fight scenes all had the look and feel of a video game. It was terrible.

R141 yes these movie directors are stealing from video games because it is the bigger market and they want to demonstrate something familiar to the zoomer

[quote] Gyllenhaal needed to do a full-frontal scene if he wanted to bring in a bigger gay audience.

I am big! It's the pictures that got small!

Stick a fork in this fugly aging closet case she's done.

I wonder if he gets hard when he is shaving his chest hair in the shower.

^ a dick would be more appreciated..

R147 shaving his dick???

R147 - That look of disappointment that it was only two dicks at once.

Conor McGuire is bisexual.

[Quote]Conor McGuire is bisexual.

"After the release of Road House, star Jake Gyllenhaal’s Nine Stories banner has signed a three-year, first-look film deal with Amazon MGM Studios. Under the pact, the studio will have a first look on narrative features Nine Stories intends to produce for both theatrical and streaming. Road House, according to the studio, is the most watched film debut for an Amazon-produced title."

If only the movie had been better. I could have been better. It was within striking distance of it. But ... it just wasn't.

[quote]I don’t understand what Gyllenhaal was doing in this.

See R152: it had 50 million views in the first WEEK. Well, that plus he's been grasping at straws ever since Brokeback, trying everything from Oscar-bait roles to ones even MAGAts will like (including this one, but also "Ambulance").

[quote]Who plays the Kelly Lynch role, Is there a sensitive doctor role in this remake?

No one. The reboot admittedly has WAY more plot than the original, with either three or four full-fledged supporting storylines (e.g. The Road House - meaning the bar - being torn down by evil developers who give zero fucks about the Florida Keys' ecosystem). Jessica Williams – who was AWESOME in "Shrinking" on Apple TV last year with Jason Segel & Harrison Ford – plays the bar owner, and since it's Florida, the "hot chicks" are Cuban. (But it has zero romance of any sort.)

[quote]Gyllenhaal needed to do a full-frontal scene if he wanted to bring in a bigger gay audience.

While I realize it's unusual for a movie to appeal to BOTH gays and MAGAts, this one did – even minus nude scenes from Jake – and was as popular with the latter than the former, if not more so.

Btw I had no idea it even existed until recently, but if you wanna see Jake playing another queer character (undefined but either pan or bi), including a bare-ass shot – while his gorgeous Black lover parades around in the background – and his unshaved body hair, check out "Velvet Buzzsaw" on Netflix. He made it pre-Covid, and it's a dark comedy about the contemporary art scene.

^ Dick wilter.

Looks like a piece of beef jerky.

R154 I think his chest hair was trimmed in Velvet Buzzaw and I also think the plot was stolen from the picture of Dorian Gay and Final Destination. It also showed that he lasered his ass hair. Is he a bottom or versatile????

Sill beating that old closeted horse. But it's a living. R154