We haven't had a joke thread in awhile

Love it!

Q: Why did the gay man get fired from the sperm bank?

A: He was caught drinking on the job.

r2, that joke is as old as dirt.

So what?

Bend over and spell run aloud.

LOL

please post more!

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: That’s not funny.

What's the difference between a hormone and an endorphin?

You can't hear an endorphin.

You have got to start writing these down!

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."

^ Oh, deer!

Why did God create gay men? So fat girls could dance.

I bet the first gay Transformer will morph into a Prius.

What's the Marine Corps motto? "Never leave your buddy's behind."

Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?

One day, a new rooster arrives at a henhouse, eager to take on his new duties, especially the job of servicing the hens. He sees that there is already another rooster there, a rather old-looking one. The young rooster approaches the old rooster and says "Hey there, old-timer, I'm here to take over. Are you ready to fight to the death for the title of Master of the Henhouse?"

The old rooster says "Hold on there, young fellow! I'm a lover, not a fighter. I just want to go into retirement. You're the boss: go do what you want with the hens, I won't give you any trouble." The young rooster was a bit disappointed because he'd been keen to have a good fight but decided this was acceptable and set to work servicing the hens, frequently and enthusiastically. The old rooster stayed completely out of his way so the young rooster ignored him.

A week or so after the young rooster's arrival, the old rooster approached him politely. "Hey there, sonny, I've been getting some flak from the hens for giving up so easily. We need to do something to settle this for once and for all."

The young rooster says "Fine by me. Do you want to start our fight to the death now?"

"Oh no! Nothing like that! Somebody could get hurt. No, I was thinking about a race. Let's say 10 laps around the henhouse with the winner being the undisputed Master of the Henhouse?" The fit young rooster figured he could mop the floor with the old rooster so he agreed to the contest. They had one of the hens say "One, Two, Three, Go!" and the race began. The young rooster had been VERY busy servicing hens and it had taken more out of him than he'd realized and the old rooster had been in training during this time so the old rooster got off to an early start. However, the young rooster's superior body soon began making a difference. By the end of the fourth lap, the young rooster had almost caught up to the old rooster. Suddenly, a shot rang out and the young rooster lay splattered all over the ground.

Turning to his wife with his still-smoking shotgun in his hand, the farmer snarled "Damn it, Emmy, that's the last rooster I buy from Ferguson! That's the fourth one this year and this one's queer too!"

Dad walks into his son's room and says "Don't do that! You'll go blind!! Kid says, "Dad I'm over here."

What do bears and girls from arkansas have in common ? They both lick their paws

R8 is Dorothy Parker’s, btw.

Why did the fries cross the road?

To ketchup to the chicken.

From an old thread, but a favorite:

Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says. “We only have one rule here in heaven; don’t step on the ducks!”

They enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

St. Peter immediately appears with the ugliest man any of them have ever seen. He chains the man and the woman together and says “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment.

The third woman has observed all this, and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. And then one day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on: He is tall, lean, muscular, with high cheek bones, dreamy eyes, a square jaw, and a beautiful luxurious head of hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says. “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

Too many foul fowl jokes

I heard a great joke just today,how does it go-oh yeah-American Riviera Orchard What a joke!

Brevity is the heart and soul of wit, R15.

Remind me never to tell R23 the one about the Swiss piano tuner...

That guy from last week, well, he just told me he cancelled his colonic appointment after that incident.

A 3-legged dog slowly enters a barroom and drawls “Ah’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw.”

Q: Which is faster, hot or cold?

A: Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Did you hear about the girl that went fishing with 3 guys? They didnt catch anything, but she came back with a red snapper.....

How do you cure a Jewish nymphomaniac? You marry her.

How do you know your son is gay? His cock tastes like shit.

Thank you R23-fell asleep before the punchline-zzzzzzzz

Great stuff guys, haven’t had this much fun on a Saturday night since Midnight Special-Donna Summer

I love this! When it was done before I sent the thread to my dad. He said I had sent him a GOLDMINE!!!! My dad is the "comedian" @ the assisted living palace where he lives in Boca..... The ladies and a "couple of gays" LOVE him......

Are you taking me to the jailhouse?

No. I'm taking you to MY house.

What do you call a gay marine? Maureen

I have the body of a twenty-five year old. I keep him in a hotel downtown.

There’s always the douchebag at R30 chiming in with that straight cunt joke.

Man walks into his husband's bedroom with a sheep in his arms. "This is the pig I'm forced to sleep with when you say you have a headache." Husband looks over and says, "That's a sheep you moron." Man says, "I wasn't talking to you."

Teacher: Billy, please use the word "horticulture" in a sentence.

Billy: You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

Guy boards his flight and heads to his seat assignment to find the Pope sitting next to him, doing a crossword puzzle. They nod politely at each other.

A few minutes later the Pope taps the guy on the shoulder. "Excuse me, my son. Do you happen to know a four-letter word for a woman that ends in -UNT?"

The guy quietly panics. Thinks, I can't say that word to the Pope! Hems and haws, stalls ... and then it hits him. "I believe that's AUNT, your Holiness."

"My heavens, of course," the Pope says, then pauses ... "Do you have an eraser?"

A man came home late one night from the bar to find his wife waiting for him, half naked, even more drunk than he was. She walked up to him and whispered in his ear “take off my bra and panties”.

He complied.

Then she said “ if you EVER wear my underwear again, we’re getting a divorce!”

I contributed this one to a previous joke thread, but it's all I got.

A penguin is driving his car when he experiences some car trouble, so he pulls into a repair shop to have it looked at. While the mechanic is looking over the car, the penguin goes across the street to an ice cream shop and has some vanilla ice cream.

When he returns to the repair shop, the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin licks his lips and says "No. That's just some ice cream."

When is crabfest?

Usually the week after Pride.

One of my favorite groaners:

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringers job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

(but wait, there's more...)

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?

You've never been able to take a joke.

Which state is the sluttiest?

Idaho.

How could you tell when Michael Jackson had company over?

There was a Big Wheels parked in the driveway.

What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?

Boys pajamas - half off.

Why is the reverse cowgirl position illegal in Alabama? Because you don’t turn your back on family.

Why did Michael Jackson call Boys To Men?

He thought they were a delivery service 🚚.

What’s the last thing you want to hear when blowing Willie Nelson?

I’m not Willie Nelson.

[phone rings ☎️]

Hello?

Get your cock out of my pussy!

I don’t have a cock!

That’s good. I don’t have a pussy.

A man is at a bar bragging to his buddy about these twins he was hooking up with, describing how hot the sex was and that it was a fantasy come true.

His buddy asks him, “How can you tell them apart?”

The man says, “well Pamela has this beautiful rose with thorns tattooed on her lower back… a Paul has a cock.”

Papa Smurf tried to rape Smurfette

An American businessman was visiting Tokyo and playing a round of gold with some of his Japanese colleagues. After he hit one long drive, several people came over and said "sakayama! sakayama!"

The businessman said, "say, what does that word mean? When I was in bed with a woman last night, she used the same word."

One of the Japanese colleagues answered , "it means 'wrong hole.'"

Why did the woman have bruises around her bellybutton?

Because blonde men are also stupid.

Why couldn't the Lifeguard save the drowning Hippie?

He was too far out man.

I had a dream I was drowning in orange soda-

Luckily it was a FANTA- sea,

We locked grandma up in her room cause all she does is fart

Q: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

A: Because the pee is silent.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?

Kick her!

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts.

Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?

Because they aren't his.

A man is standing in the delivery room next to his wife, who just delivered their new baby. He quietly pulls the doctor aside and says, “Hey doc, how long until we can have sex again?”

Doctor says, “Meet me in the parking lot in 30 minutes.”

What's the difference between a chestnut and a walnut?

The difference is how long you edge.

Did you hear about the gay cowboy? He rode into town and shot up the sheriff!

What do you call bears with no ears? Buh

A guy is stranded in an ocean. Another guy shows up on a boat.

Stranded guy says, Thanks man for coming out this way. I'm stuck out here, can you give me a ride back to shore?

Guy on boat says to him, "Sure, but on one condition."

Stranded guy, "What's the condition?"

Guy on boat, "You have to suck my dick."

Stranded guy, "Nevermind. I'll wait for someone else."

A second guy on a boat comes by,

Stranded guy, "Thanks for coming out this way, I'm stuck out here. Can you give me a ride back to shore?"

Second guy on boat, "Sure, but you have to do me a favor."

Stranded guy, "What's the favor?"

Second guy on boat, "You have to suck my dick."

Stranded guy, "Nevermind, I'll wait for someone else."

A third guy shows up on a boat.

Stranded guy, "Thanks man for coming out this way. I'm stranded out here, can you help me out? I'm willing to do anything, I'll even suck your dick."

Third guy on a boat, "Wow you know what, I was just about to help you out before you offered to suck my dick. Now I'm not going to take you to shore, good luck finding someone else to let you suck theirs for a ride." (Before proceeding to speed away)

You'd fly too if someone hit your peter with a pan.

R69- Your joke is a wee bit too long.

R30- That's not funny. It's just homophobic.

“Trump’s lawyers have asked the appeals court to delay posting the bond until his appeal of the case is over, arguing that the value of Trump’s properties far exceed the judgment.”

2 gay guys walking down the street see a dog licking his dick and the one gay guy says "I wish I could do that" and the other gay guy says "that's disgusting, I don't think I can be friends with you anymore."

Why did Tim Scott cross the road?

To rizz up the beautiful female woman on the other side of the street.

Why can't GAYS drive faster than 68 miles per hour?

Because at 69 they BLOW a rod.

What do you call a homosexual dentist?

A TOOTH fairy.

Did you hear about the new gay sitcom?

Leave It It's Beaver

This thread deteriorated quickly. Sorry, OP - I appreciate your effort.

Why do Jewish-American Princesses wear gold diaphragms?

Because their husbands like coming into money.

Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender: Why the long face?

How do you get a nun pregnant?

You fuck her.

MAGA moron goes to the doctor complaining that he can’t get his wife pregnant.

Doctor: OK. Put that thing you play with where your wife pees.

MAGA moron: OK, I'll try it.

He then goes home and puts his bowling ball in the sink.

I just had sex in an elevator. It was great on so many levels.

Why did Popeye punch the Pope?

He heard he went to Mount Olive.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar.

Bartender: Why the long face?

A handsome man is drowning his sorrows at a local pub. Several women try to comfort him.

"What's wrong?" one asks.

"I’m depressed!” he sighs. “The wife and I are having troubles."

"What kind?"

"Sex. I like kink. She’s very traditional".

"Well,” another woman says, “if you want kink, talk to the blonde at the other end of the bar. She's kinky. She'll make you feel better."

He walks over to meet the blonde. They have a couple of drinks, she invites him home. When they arrive, she excuses herself to change into something appropriate. She goes to bedroom, and puts on leather panties, gets whips, chains, tit clamps, etc.

All geared up, she goes out to living room, where she sees that the man he has put overcoat on and is leaving.....

"Hey, what's the matter?” she asks. “I thought we were going to have a scene?"

"Hey lady, I shit in your purse; I fucked your dog; I'm outta here."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk stood behind her and watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk stated, "You must be single".

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was, indeed, single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that"?

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Q: What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

A: Roberto

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Punch lines not worthy of T h e s e L o n g R e a d s !

R77🤣🤣

What’s green and smells like pork?

Kermit’s finger

R94 what’s green and smells like pig shit?

Kermit’s fist

The classics:

Q:How did Helen Keller burn her face?

A:She answered the iron.

Q:How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?

A:She read the waffle maker.

Do you know the German word for bra?

Holzenfremflopen

A Pollack walked into a bar with shit in his hand, and said, look what I almost stepped in.

Jackson Pollack? That makes sense.

A guy was given a parrot. It’s in the cage swearing like a sailor all day. The guy pleads with the parrot to stop. The parrot keeps swearing embarrassing the guy to the point he can’t invite anyone over to his house. Then one day he gets so fed up listening to this parrot that he takes it out of its cage and throws it in the freezer to get some peace. After awhile he feels bad and lets the parrot out. The parrot thanks the guy for letting him out and starts to apologize profusely saying “I am so sorry for swearing, and I will never do it again. By the way, what did the chicken do?”

What do girls from Oklahoma say after sex? Git off me paw, yer crushin ma smokes

Art fart shit tit

Itty bitty titty committee

r102 = simpleton who is very, very easily amused.

R103 that’s moi.

What did the blind man say to the fish monger?

Good morning, ladies!

Why do farts stink?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Teacher's first day at her new elementary school, trying to gauge her students' abilities.

Teacher: Johnny, can you say a sentence that begins with "I"?

Johnny: I is...

Teacher (interrupting): No, no, NO! It's "I am".

Johnny: OK, Miss, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Why was the Essex girl staring intently at the orange juice carton?

It said "Concentrate."

I told my husband take this dart and wherever it lands on the map that's where I'm taking you on vacation. So I guess we're spending two weeks behind the couch.

Be glad he didn't hit you in the ass, R109...

Why did the twink dump his boyfriend after he bought a penis enlarger?

He just couldn't take it any longer!

What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A rabbi cuts them off. A priest sucks them off.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Because Ken came in a different box.

Wanna hear a joke about my cock?

Never mind -it's too long.

A blind man walks into a bar...

And a table. And a chair.

How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

What did the Trans Man say after top surgery ?

Man, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

What's the difference between a HOBO and a HOMO?

A HOBO doesn't have any friends

but

A HOMO has friends UP THE ASS.

Joseph and Jesus are working in Joseph's workshop. Joseph says to Jesus, "Jesus, I wish you wouldn't insist on wearing sandals. You're going to get a nail in your foot."

Jesus said, "Like that would ever happen."

So one morning this fisherman heads to his favorite fishing spot at the end of a pier overlooking the ocean. When he arrives, he sees a young guy in a wheelchair, looking out over the ocean with tears streaming down his face.

“Hello there, young man, why are you crying on such a beautiful morning?”

“Well, sir, I’m so lonely. I have no friends or family. I’ve never even been hugged.”

The fisherman thinks, what the hell, and reaches down and hugs the guy. “See? Now you’ve been hugged.”

“Thank you sir,” the young guy says, and smiles. “That hug will make my day much better,” he says before wheeling off.

The next day, the fisherman arrives at the pier to find the guy there again, sitting in his chair, sobbing.

“Hello again, young man! I thought you would be feeling better after that hug yesterday. Why are you crying today??”

“Well sir, you see, I’m sad because I’ve never been kissed.”

Now, the fisherman was as straight as they come, and had never even thought about a man in that way. But, the kid wasn’t bad looking, almost pretty, and the fisherman really wanted some peace and quiet to enjoy his morning of fishing.

He leans down, takes the guy’s face in his hands, and gives him a long, lingering kiss. “See? Now you’ve been kissed. Now go about your day and let me fish in peace.”

“Oh yes, sir, thank you sir, that kiss was wonderful! I feel like I can take on the world now! Goodbye!”

The fisherman returned to his spot every morning, but the young guy was never there again. In his mind, he felt that the hug and the kiss had turned the young man’s life around, and he was somewhere out in the world, enjoying life. It gave the fisherman a sense of peace and accomplishment that he’d helped the poor young man.

Then one day, about a month later, the fisherman arrives at the pier, to find that the young man in the wheelchair has returned, and like before, is sobbing as he looks out at the ocean.

The fisherman, dejected, and annoyed that his fishing ritual is being interrupted yet again, approaches the young man. “Ah. You’re back. So, what seems to be the problem now??”

“Well sir, things were going okay for a bit, but I’m now sad because although I’ve been hugged and kissed..I’ve never been fucked.”

The fisherman is taken aback, but then realizes he’s never going to be able to enjoy his morning fishing unless he does something.

He reaches down and lifts the young man out of the wheelchair and into his arms. And then throws him off the pier into the ocean.

“SEE??? NOW YOU’VE BEEN FUCKED!!!”

If you’re gonna be bigoted, R98, try not to be illiterate.

Blind man to the woman he’s fucking: “You’ve got no tits and a tight box.”

Woman to blind man: “Get off my back.”

r123 I heard that originally as one of Bette Midler's Sophie Tucker jokes.

A gorilla is walking through the jungle, downcast, because he hasn't been laid in a long time.

He comes to a clearing and he sees a lion, butt in the air, as the lion's head is in a small pond taking a long drink of water.

At first the gorilla resists, but then he races up to the lion's backside, fucks the lion, then takes off running.

"What the hell?" says the lion and sprints, full power, after the gorilla.

The gorilla has a pretty good distance on the lion, but he starts to slow down, running out of gas.

He can hear the lion gaining on him, but just in time, the gorilla arrives at his lair, throws on some dark glasses, sits in his easy chair, opens a newspaper, and pretends he's been there awhile reading.

Soon the lion arrives, spots the gorilla, and panting through his words, says, "Say, did you see a gorilla running by?"

"You mean, the one who just fucked a lion?" the gorilla asks and the lion says, "You mean, it's in the paper already?"

A female gorilla is dying of depression at the zoo. She needs to mate in order to snap out of it and no other zoos will lend a male gorilla. After 3 days of her not eating the zoo keeper desperately explains the situation to the janitor and says, "someone needs to fuck that gorilla! Of course it will mean 500 dollars to you". The janitor replies "I'm happy to, but it will take a few weeks for me to get the 500 bucks together".

R97 the real word is Büstenhalter.

Superman is flying over Metropolis. Looking down, he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on the rooftop garden of her building. Unable to resist her beauty - and knowing he can moved faster than the human eye can see - he swoops down, fucks her and takes off, satisfied with himself.

Wonder Woman opens her eyes. "What the hell was that?" she says.

"I don't know," says the Invisible Man. "But my ass is on fire!"

How do you make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it!

Rich man goes bear hunting in the Canadian wilderness, spots a bear and takes a shot at it. While searching for the bear he turns to see a huge bear. The bear spins the man around, yanks off his pants and fucks him in the ass.

The man seethes over his humiliation all year and decides to go bear hunting again. The same thing happens, takes his shot, searches for his bear and gets fucked in the ass

All year his anger grows and he decides he will murder the bear if it the last thing he does. He flies to Canada, treks to the wilderness, finds the bear and fires hundreds of shots from a machine gun. Then he feels a tap tap tap on his shoulder and the bear says "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

A man walks into a bar. A big sign on the back wall says:

CHEESE SANDWICH: $1 HANDJOB: $10

He asks the woman behind the bar, “are you the one who gives the handjobs?”

“Why yes I am,” she replies.

“Well, wash your hands, bitch, I want a cheese sandwich!”

That was a good one R131

This one always makes me chuckle. Tho I’m reaching that eldergay state of mind I struggle to remember the two scientists’ names.

What do you do when a bird shits on your windshield?

Never take her out again!

Did you hear about the Essex girl who was on the ferry to Norway before she realized a 14 inch Viking was a portable TV?

A farmer goes upstairs and wakes up his wife. He’s holding a sheep under his arm.

The farmer says, “This is the pig I’ve been fucking.”

The wife responds, “You idiot! That’s a sheep!”

“Shut the fuck up, I was TALKING to the sheep!”

How do you make holy water. You boil the hell out of it.

Why don’t women drink beer at the beach ?

Because they’d get sand in their Schlitz

A woman is walking home with her 3 daughters. The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"

"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.”

The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."

The third girl asks "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!"

"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock."

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime. She says, "God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa."

He asks her, "Why did you say that?"

"I don't know, I just felt like saying it."

The next day, grandpa drops dead. "Wow," thinks dad, "that's an odd coincidence."

A month later at bedtime, the daughter says, "God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma." Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath. The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).

Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime, "God bless mommy" She turns her head and looks straight at him. "And goodbye, Daddy."

"What!? Are you sure honey?" She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.

The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.

His wife is up and waiting for him. "Where the hell were you today??!"

He replies, "Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day."

His wife then says, "You think you had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the front steps..."

There are 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench-coat walks by and flashes them. 2 of the old ladies have a stroke.

The other one couldn't reach that far.

A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled"

The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck"

A man comes home and finds his wife furiously packing a suitcase. He asks what she's doing and she replies, "I'm leaving you! I hear you can get paid $250 for a blow job in Vegas!"

The man starts packing his bags and the wife asks, "What are YOU doing?"

"I'm coming to Vegas too."

"What the hell for?"

"I want to see how you can live on $500 a year."

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits...

What's the difference between a Circus and the Rockettes? One is a cunning array of stunts.

Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game. It hurt a lot but at least my dad came...

Vampire's son has come to bakery and bought lot of bread, much more than usually.

The baker asked: do you have guests at home.

The little vampire answered: no, mom' s got her period, so we are dipping.

[quote]First, the milkman drops dead on the front steps..."

R140 Funny story but, really, 'the milkman'?? Maybe you could update this to 'the mail man' or 'the cable guy'.

How do they separate the men from the boys on Broadway?

With a crowbar.

A man goes to the library and asks the librarian “I’m looking for the book about small penises” and the librarian looks at her computer and says “I don’t know if it’s in yet” and the guy says “Yeah! That’s the one!”

A man was sitting in the plane next to a rather attractive woman. He started a conversation and asked about her plans, whether she was a tourist or on a business trip.

She said that she was going to nimphomaniac convention. She will hold the poster: Native Americans have the longest dicks and Hungarians the thickest.

After few more words the man said casually: pardon, how rude if me, let me introduce myself, my name is Istvan Winnetou.

A supermodel is driving her car when she experiences some car trouble, so she pulls into a repair shop to have it looked at. While the mechanic is looking over the car, the model goes across the street to an ice cream shop and has some vanilla ice cream.

When she returns to the repair shop, the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal."

Heidi Klum licked her lips and said, "No. That's just some ice cream."

The nuns ran out of gas in their station wagon. The only container they had was a bed pan, so they took that to the gas station and got some gas.

As they were pouring it in the tank, a car drove by and the man looked at his wife and said: "That's what I call faith!"

2 Priests were in the jungle and encountered some cannibals who promptly put them into a pot of water and lit a fire underneath it. One priest looked at the other and started laughing. Why are you laughing ?Theyre fixin to kill us and eat us! He said I can't help it I just shit in the soup!