He looks like he had 30 minutes in Goodwill with his probation officer.

-- Anonymous

Well, you know what they say at times like these. Xenu never closes an airlock without opening an observation porthole.

-- Comforting Scieno

I prefer Labia.

-- Nan Michiganwomyn

Did your monocle fall out of your eye in shock when he said that, OP?

-- Anonymous

Those old harpoon scars never quite heal.

-- Anonymous

You can use their names to cast spells. I looked at my cat and yelled, "Tripp Track Trig Track!" and he ran away and hid under the bed.

-- Anonymous

Probably some Chinese who starred in "Forward to Hydro-Electric Glory IV" and "Death to Capitalist Influences at Flying Pigeon Bicycle Works" back in Mao's day, if you go by the number of people who recognize them and have seen their work.

-- Anonymous

"Hey--at least he's not Mao, Stalin or Hitler."

No, just tied for fourth with Mussolini. Even as an asshole he's fourth rate.

-- Anonymous

It. Is. My. William. Shatner. Impresonation.

-- Anonymous

"I love sucking cock in front of other guys..."

We know. Please don't mistake our expressions of abject horror for interest.

-- Your Fellow Y Members

A remote, snow-bound cabin. I am lounging on a bear skin rug in front of the fire, my pink sweat pants leaving little to the imagination. I peer over my copy of Robert's Rules of Order lasciviously to spy the Editor on the couch with his laptop, looking intently at each and every one of the threads I flagged on my status report. He looks dashing in the crisp new pajamas I gave him for Christmas, though the warmth of the fire has driven him to unbutton the top completely, exposing his manly torso.

I draw his eye as I put down the book and groan at the strain of shifting my body weight to my hands as I sit up. "Now, now... even you must take a break on Christmas. Come relax with me by the fire. Let me take care of YOU for a change."

He says not a word, but joins me on the rug. Reaching behind the overstuffed recliner, he pulls out my Christmas surprise -- a luscious Mrs. Prindable's caramel apple. He smiles as I lick my lips in anticipation. Gently, he removes my glasses, and as my eyes strain to f ...

-- Cheryl

Colonel Mustard in the library.

-- Anonymous

Zho Ow

Zho, like Liza saying show.

Ow, like "Ow! That's too big."

Accent on the 2nd syllable.

-- Anonymous

Datalounge is very much like a tiny Stalinist society ruled by Diana Vreeland. You cunts are vicious.

-- Anonymous

"...you self-hating piece of carp."

I agree. He's clearly floundering.

-- Anonymous

Hey, Living Waters does excellent work. Now Jada no longer automatically licks her fingers and scratches her cooze when an Alicia Keys song comes on the Sirius.

-- W.S.

Done and done!

-- Alfonso Ribeiro

They are protecting the last job available in the USA.

-- Anonymous

"Caesarean section" = bullshit. They just rip off the duct tape and the kid falls out in the Scrapbooking Aisle at Target.

-- Anonymous

Everyone's "Godless" R14, some people are just too ignorant to know it.

-- Anonymous

I can't see us all in rags, like the Waltons.

-- Anonymous

That's just another chorus boy after Nathan Lane was done with him.

-- Anonymous

Can't Obama just create some special royal title for her like Duchess of Manhattan or Marchioness of Westchester to satisfy her fancy ambitions? That's really all she actually wants--I'm sure she has absolutely no interest in serving the needs of blue-collar people in Schenectady or the Bronx or Utica.

-- Anonymous

“Don’t you ever, ever think that I don’t know I’m up here because of you,”

Blaming the victim--another classic ploy.

-- Anonymous

The same thing happened to me yesterday in another Target-like store. The aisles were so clogged and people were everywhere. I had to just quick pay and leave, too.

It was like a horror movie. Pictue an overhead shot with me circling in the aisle with my cart, furiously looking for a way out...filled with frustration and angst. Just like Joan in her wheelchair in "Baby Jane."

-- Anonymous

Oh come now, you're all being cruel. Perhaps the real Amelia Earhart was much much prettier than our dear Hilary, and of course Amelia could also attract a husband. BUT... could Amelia Earhart construct an entire river dam and a winter den all by herself? I think not.

-- Mrs. Warren Beatty

Winona Ryder. A scene is the only thing she has yet to steal.

-- Anonymous

Michael is so right to express bewilderment that anyone would think he's weird. With his lovely blue oriental dress over white pants, and Lone Ranger mask/granny scarf combo topped off with a fedora, he's the very picture of normalcy and stability.

-- Anonymous

When it comes to immigration questions, I'd definitely listen to advice on a message board over that provided by your lawyer. Have a great trip and don't worry!

-- Anonymous

Two dollar bills aren't gay. There just out of circulation, like Aretha Franklin's feet.

-- Anonymous

I said it last year and I'll say it again: It wouldn't be Christmas without Liza in the hospital.

-- Anonymous +

This reminds me of the time I sent out fifteen invitations to my own kabuki performance of Sugawara and the Secrets of Calligraphy.

Nobody came. An hour after my performance was to begin, I hopped in my Datsun and visited each ass face who'd not bothered to RSVP.

I got body makeup all over my car's interior and fell several times in those fucking wooden flip flops.

Anyway, I feel your pain OP and I really do understand.

You are so much better than they deserve.

-- JoeyBrill (authenticated) +

I want to be a personal downsizing czar.

You may take the chairs, but the couch is ugly; donate it.

Your wife looks like she picks her nose while driving; leave her behind.

Tell me... which child is smarter?

-- Anonymous

Call it: Fearful Adrenal Thyroid Syndrome of Oprah. The acronym could be: FATSO.

-- Anonymous

I am trying to find a job as a penis inspector.

While I do not have any professional experience, I believe that my amateur efforts demonstrate a detailed knowledge of, and firm commitment to, the job.

I would be willing to consider a lesser position, say in the testicle, perineum or anus review fields.

-- Anonymous

"Print journalist here"

Blacksmith here. good luck with that.

-- it's not the economy.

Agree with R5, that dogs are the guy's strong suit -- inasmuch as he has one.

But really, unless you thrill at picking the legs off insects, at reminding frail old women with Alzheimer's that their titties have sagged, at harassing children for their lack of sophistication, and generally at pointing out the shortcomings of any and all to boost your your own ego, why not just keep your tongue to yourself?

Sure the photographer lacks aesthetic discernment, composition, and any blinding evidence of innate talent, but somehow it seems safe to say that his new hobby is more becoming than his co-worker's, who has come begging to Datalounge to boost his portfolio of "snark" with which to cut the hobby photographer down.

-- Anonymous

Wonderful man. Stayed at my place for 7 days and nights straight. I went out for bagels and lube. He managed enough movement to pick up the handcuff key.

-- Why can't I can't seem to hold on?

I am the Ikea turquoise Vertigifugnhugn lamp that sacrificed it's cord so the young man could hang himself before plowing OP's hole a second time.

-- Anonymous

I see skirmishes for the bottom and a worn double ended plastic penis.

-- Grieselda, clairvoyant and former Claymate

I'm the frau who waited years to get a ticket, flew in from Bumfuck and got all dressed up only to find out the topic was blood diamonds and most of the show will be footage of African kids with missing limbs.

-- Anonymous

Major pussyhound, big Bush supporter.

-- Hey, look! It fits!

Wiccapedia is your friend, OP.

-- Anonymous

Let me ask you this:

How many times have you heard gay positive things?

How many times has your priest made a public stand against anti-gay legislation?

Are you aware of the Catholic Church's official stand on homosexuality?

Do you know your church officially considers you making love "intrinsically evil."

Do you know you are in a state of sin if you practice homosexuality?

Do you accept the eucharist when in that state of sin?

Are you aware that the Catholic Church tried to scapegoat gay people for their little pedophile problem?

Do you know that the CC is arguably the largest organization of institutionalized homophobia in the world?

You post OP seems to me nothing more than an attempt to make it A-OK for you to keep supporting a homophobic institution. "We'll I've never personally heard anyone say anything so la-la-la-la-la-la-la, covering my ears, the church must be just fine."

It is actually rather sad and pathetic.

-- Anonymous

I've always said that if witchcraft really worked, all the wiccan girls would be thin and pretty.

-- Anonymous

"wow, I loved you in the film "reversal of Fortunes"

No, dear, you loved *me*.

-- Glenn Close--catch me on basic cable!

Finally, we can go golfing again!

-- The Real Killers

I heard the Helen was the prototype for the ventriloquist Wayland Flowers and Madame. It was such a striking likeness.

It was only a likeness when Helen had a fist up her ass.

-- Lambchop

Thinking driving to DC instead of flying will get you 40 billion dollars.

-- Anonymous

I'm more of a catch and release, if you get my drift.

-- Anonymous