The Making of the Infamous Kwanzaa Cake

by Denise Vivaldo, Seasoned Food Professional Okay, I'm only going to say this once and then I'm leaving the country. Seriously, by the time this post is up, I'll be in Thailand. I think it's better for everybody. Here's the truth. I wrote and sold the recipe for the Kwanzaa cake to Sandra Lee and, while I'm confessing my soul, yes, for Christ's sake, the Chanukah cake, too. There, I said it. Forgive me Father. I can honestly say Ms. Lee had nothing against African Americans or Jews. She just has incredibly bad food taste. She was not discriminating about who would be harmed from her culinary "creations." Think what your taste would be like if you came from carnival or circus people. Did I just offend Paris Hilton? When the Angel Food Cake Collection came to life, Ms. Lee was converting to Judaism herself for her new husband and she seriously wanted to bring her new "cuisine" to an entire nation. Well, let's put it this way, she wanted to sell a shitload of books. And she did. She wanted fame and money. And she succeeded. I believe that's often thought of as the American dream by many, isn't it? Note to all American Dreamers: This may be a good time to take a look inward. I think I hear the audible gasps. I'm wondering how long before the angry mob will be gathering on my front yard. Crap, will they bring torches? Will my neighbors call the fire department? In my defense, I must start at the beginning. I've been developing recipes for cookbook authors and food companies for over twenty years. At least twenty of the fifty cookbooks I've ghostwritten or contributed to have ended up on the New York Times Best-Seller List. Many celebrities or TV chefs hire me because they are too busy to write their own recipes. This is not unusual. In some cases, the "talent", as they are known in the business, have no talent. They do not know how to write a recipe or even cook, for that matter. Therefore, as a trained chef, food stylist and recipe writer, I come in handy. I sell recipes from $100-$400 dollars apiece plus the cost of groceries. I love it. Not only is it fun, creative and challenging, I get to study all kinds of food. Most projects are just plain terrific. I'm humbled by the amazing people I've gotten to write and work for. But (isn't there always a but?)...wait for it...wait for it. One night in my office, at least 10 years ago, my phone rang. I answered it. If only I had noticed that my dogs started to howl and blood mysteriously started seeping from the walls. Alas, I did not. So excited to close the sale, I made an appointment with a personal assistant to meet "the next Martha Stewart, only bigger." I was happy to think about this latest project that would help feed my assistants. It turned out that the premise of this cookbook would be "delicious desserts with nothing made from scratch." This book would be the second in a series. The first book was almost done, but apparently the writer, food stylist and recipe tester from that first book had all gone sailing in the Bermuda Triangle to celebrate and had disappeared. The books were being self-published by Ms. Lee, unless she could find a publisher, ASAP. She really, really wanted a publishing partner. I 'm not sure if it was because my head was spinning 360 degrees and my retinas had become burned by some horrible smoke that seemed to fill the room whenever she moved, but I wasn't grasping the concept. "No fresh food. Just canned food. Nothing fresh, do you understand me? All food out of cans or boxes, so it's easy for the homemaker ...and write the brand name of the cans or boxes right in the recipe." I assumed it was the ten years of smoking dope in my formative years that was making me stupid. Then I thought, okay, this is another slant on The Cake Mix Doctor, by Anne Byrn. A book that had been wildly successful. I can do this. Before you say a word, let me say one more thing in my defense. continued

• I have people that depend on me for their livelihood. Assistants, designers, photographers, and especially my American Express Platinum card. I sign the checks, so I have to bring in the money. To make my small business work, I took the job. First time I ever signed a contract. Of all the truly big stars and real celebrities I've worked with, it was always just a handshake and my reputation for getting the job done that created the deal. To put it simply, I deliver what I say I will. Ms. Lee insisted on a contract. Her attorney at the time also sold Mexican art. Please, I can't make this shit up. Fuck me; of course I should have seen the writing on the wall. Thirteen months past and after exactly 151 recipes, I tried to fake my death. Ms. Lee called and though we were done with the book, she needed at least ten extra angel food cakes for "fun" sugary holiday times to sell to a magazine. Just a reader's note, it wasn't Gourmet, but the magazine I designed those "adorable cakes" for is still in business. Read it and weep. Please ask yourself, what would you have done in my place? See how that Kwanzaa cake is looking better from my perspective? I will tell you truly, the candles were her idea. I guess I imagined something more refined. And I know the Corn Nuts were disgusting, but she didn't. As a matter of fact, the more tasteless the recipes got the more she liked them, the faster she approved them, and I could get home and drink some medium-priced wine after our meetings. She's not a good role model for abstinence. Get it? The last words I'll speak, before I board my plane and go to a land where nobody knows Sandra Lee, is that I had to fill the cavity of the Chanukah cake with marshmallows so it wouldn't collapse under all that frosting, and so that much-discussed pearl Star of David "crown" wouldn't topple. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I've never watched any of the videos on YouTube. My priest says, "Never call the devil." And to think, Anthony Bourdain was afraid of her. Crap, he was never even close.

  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/denise-vivaldo/kwanzaa-cake-sandra-lee-hanukkah-cake_b_797165.html

• The Infamous Kwanzaa Cake

  http://www.avclub.com/articles/this-cake-will-make-your-eyeballs-burst-into-flame,25176/

• The Chanukah cake

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sj89Ax60DEI&feature=player_embedded

• Bourdain afraid of Sandra Lee

  http://blog.travelchannel.com/anthony-bourdain/read/a-drive-by-shooting/

• According to Michael Ruhlman, Tony Bourdain has called Ms. Lee the "frightening hell-spawn of Kathy Lee Gifford and Betty Crocker [who] seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time"!

  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-ruhlman/becoming-better-cooks-or_b_535413.html

• You have much to answer for.

• Bourdain better watch his back when he''s in New York after January 1. Sandra Lee becomes the Semi First Lady of the State.

• As has been noted before, the Kwanzaa cake is a hate crime against black people and should be prosecuted as such.

• Oh, Sandy, you adorable lush.

  The Voice of the Night

• She''s lying.

• Denise Vivaldo sounds insufferable. Anyone who would gloat in this over-the-top manner to try to take credit for the fucking Kwanzaa cake needs serious professional help.

• Kinda cunty of her to write this if you ask me. The K-cake episode is permanently stored on my Tivo for holiday viewing each year. I love/hate it as much as anyone. If you are going to be a ghost writer just be one.

• WTF, our crazy drunken Sandy didn''t invent the Kwanzaa cake herself? This is crushing. Next Denise Vivaldo will tell me there''s no such thing as Santa Claus.

• Kinda biting the hand that she fed the shitty cake recipes to, and not nearly as funny a read as she seems to think it''ll be.

• How can she be a drunk and stay that skinny?

• "Denise Vivaldo sounds insufferable. "%0D\ %0D\ While Sandra Lee seems like she''d be one of the world''s great drinking buddies.%0D\ %0D\ Sandra Lee seems to produce these horrors out of a tasteless good will, while the insufferable Vivaldo knew perfectly well she was creating the stuff of nightmares. Vivaldo is insufferable because she seems to still be trying to act superior about it all.

• Why does Sandra call Corn Nuts ''acorns'' twice in that video?

• I am a bit confused as to what this is. Is this a promo for Sandra Lee frozen cakes? It looks like a cooking show with no cooking.\ \ If this is supposed to make me go out and buy their frozen cakes---forget it.

• Just realized that the frozen baked goods are made by Sara Lee not Sandra Lee.\ \ Now the video baffles me more.

• Sandra Lee (nee Sandra Lee Christiansen) is a TV personality who hosts the Food Network''s "Semi-Homemad Cooking," which encourages the home cook to use 70% premade food and 30% fresh ingredients for amazing meals in minutes.%0D\ %0D\ She is most notable for including in each episode two recurring things: Cocktail Time! Where she gives the recipe for some cocktail and then proceeds to ignore her own directions and dumps in about a galloon of booze, and Tablescape, where she raids her local craft store for a tablesetting so tacky, even the worst casino in Vegas would tell her to tone it down.%0D\ %0D\ She is also a self-made millionaire, a friend to the gays, and the girlfriend of New York Governor-elect Andrew Cuomo.

  The Voice of the Night

• [quote]a friend to the gays, and the girlfriend of New York Governor-elect Andrew Cuomo.\ \ I think you just said the same thing twice.

• Anyone have a Nesselrode pie recipe?

• I never heard of her before but my god she is so lame that I am shocked she has a career.

• [quote]It looks like a cooking show with no cooking.%0D\ %0D\ You catch on quick!

• I don''t really know who this Sandra Lee is but I assume she is a horrible cook?

• >>> I had to fill the cavity of the Chanukah cake with marshmallows so it wouldn't collapse under all that frosting%0D %0D %0D %0D Marshmallows are made with pork gelatin, so I'm thinking that isn't such a great thing to use to celebrate Chanukah%0D %0D %0D %0D >>>the next Martha Stewart, only bigger%0D %0D %0D %0D That's funny. The backstory on that is Sandra was married to a super wealthy guy who is (was)President and CEO of KB Homes. KB is one of the largest builders of lower priced homes in the country. He bankrolled her. After a few years of marriage, they separated and as they are preparing to divorce he hires Martha Stewart on to consult with architects on the interiors of his companies homes. Martha came up with ideas for work stations and little nooks that could be used as craft areas. How pissed must Sandy have been? He signed her (in Sandra's mind) rival%0D %0D %0D %0D >>In 2006, the company began a partnership with Martha Stewart to build homes based on Martha Stewart's own homes at KB Home communities across the country. The company also has a partnership with Disney to offer bedrooms decorated with Disney themes

• Let us not overlook the meatloaf disaster!

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAZXvSMj_BU

• That meatloaf is one of the single most disgusting things I''ve ever seen.\ \ Love her show, though. Its all about the TRAINWRECK! factor.

• I cannot believe that I have missed this. She is on one of those stations that nobody watches---which always have the most interestingly weird programs.

• I understand the concept of the show could be appealing - mixing pre-made and some homemade stuff together for interesting recipes for moms on the go. \ \ However, every recipe looks disusting - and there is something about plopping something out of a can on a cooking show that I just can''t help but scrunch my nose at.

• Spam cake!

  Have I said it twice?

• She didn''t even know how to cut the Angel Food cake. She just slammed it with the knife until it sank to plate level.%0D\ %0D

• I love to watch Sandra Lee make a mess in the kitchen and Rachael Ray just to see if she can make it in 30 minutes. I don''t cook that much but when I do I rise to levels they can''t even dream of.

• R15 - cocaine or other stimulants.

• Just watching the clip of her making the Kwanzaa cake makes me a little bit nauseous.

• [quote]She is on one of those stations that nobody watches\ \ Food Network is one of the more popular basic cable channels. In terms of total viewers, it''s generally just behind Bravo, but ahead of MSNBC, SyFy, AMC, and the Learning Channel.

• All the fatties watch Food Channel, which means a huge part of America (and Datalounge).

• Oh God, Sandra''s holiday special is on! She refuses to cook with fresh herbs or fruit, she just uses them as decoration! She made a dessert out of chocolate cupcakes and cherry pie filling, and added MINT extract to the whipped cream she used to decorate it!%0D\ %0D\ I swear, she was born without a sense of taste or smell. Either that, or all the alcohol killed her taste buds.

  And that''s why her show is hilarious

• I don''t find the woman who wrote this article funny in the least. She is as much of a talentless famewhore as Sandra Lee. She is cynical, doing anything to make money no matter how idiotic.

• [quote] In some cases, the "talent", as they are known in the business, have no talent.%0D\ %0D\ This is the truth. My bf went out and bought some guy''s cookbook that featured "American" foods like burgers and shakes. He made several recipes, which called for all kinds of ingredients and stunt cooking (setting the oven on fire at one point while "roasting" marshmallows for a shake recipe) and in the end, it all tasted like McDonald''s crap. Total garbage.

• Sandra makes me laugh. It''s like Julia child, booze, and a knife got together.\ \ However, I hate foodie twats like Bourdain when they act like Sandra''s show is the first sign of the apocalypse. He''s a rich, priveleged asshole, who yes has some idea of taste. Sandra is a poor white trash come-upper. I know a couple poor, working, single mom''s who love her show because it allows them to have fun cooking. The can''t jaunt over to Bangladesh to pick up some local street delicacy, and they''re not able to afford the price or time to brine duckling for their rugrats. People like Bourdain and Ina Garten are serving one audience, Sandra is serving another. If they''re disgusted by that, they need to make their shit realistic for people other than the Hampton set.\ \ There''s room for tacky, funny, and fun food.

• [quote]Oh God, Sandra''s holiday special is on! %0D\ %0D\ Oh, Aunt Sandy has had many holiday specials.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhAOYtSB5SE&feature=related

  The Voice of the Night

• [quote]How can she be a drunk and stay that skinny?\ \ Drunks are notoriously skinny. That is because they don''t eat.

• [quote]Drunks are notoriously skinny. That is because they don''t eat.\ \ I think I''ll head out to the liquor store.

  Fatty McFat-fat

• Sandra Lee''s Mango Lassi, sure to be a hit with both of India''s major religions.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6drq88krV0

  The Voice of the Night

• You know what she''s essentially doing? She''s turning the alcoholic''s trick of sneaking booze into things like OJ, coffee, etc (so people don''t catch onto their problem) into "recipes."

• That would be true, except that she''s not really that subtle about it.%0D\ %0D\ I mean, after the 500th time that she puts in %0D\ "two shots" that are at least 1/3 of the bottle, one catches on.%0D\ %0D\ Sandy prepares the aptly titled Lush Lagoon.%0D\ %0D\ Kiwi-Jalapeno is a flavor senstation that''s sweeping the nation.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7bo-aeznzY&feature=related

  The Voice of the Night

• [quote]However, every recipe looks disusting\ \ That''s largely because she insists on a lot of her shows being filmed with a weird pink-lavender filter. The first time I saw it, I thought it was an error in film processing, but it happens with regularity now. Her food looks a LOT better on her outdoor segments which don''t use that filter.

• [quote]Drunks are notoriously skinny. That is because they don''t eat.\ \ It doesn''t always work out that way.

  Marie Prevost

• [quote]It doesn''t always work out that way.\ \ Tell me about it.

  Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of Boulder, CO

• She has GOT to be kidding. This is a joke, right? RIGHT?

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI5e72B_eIc

• R51, that is probably the greatest tree I''ve ever seen. I love the one comment: "It''s like a%EF%BB%BF cry for help."

• The question is why the hell couldn''t Sandra Lee come up with something so tasteless and insipid herself? If she actually had to commission these recipes, then she really has no business being in the business she''s in.\ \ Hell, a great many people who have ever baked anything could come up with something better than these.

• My absolute FAVORITE Sandra Lee video:

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLMNZ6xY6YY&

• [quote]The question is why the hell couldn''t Sandra Lee come up with something so tasteless and insipid herself? If she actually had to commission these recipes, then she really has no business being in the business she''s in.%0D\ %0D\ Someone here once made the comment that Sandra Lee is so disinterested in things, they imagined her pleasuring her husband with a Fleshlight with one hand and checking her e-mail with the other.

  The Voice of the Night

• Why did HuffPo remove it? Did Sandy threaten to sue?

• In the 1950s, 60s and even the early 1970s cooking from mixes was all to common American cooking. Most of us who were alive then endured it. \ \ Starting in the mid 1960s, Julia Child, James Beard and Craig Claiborne gave us fool proof recipes for making really delicious food from fresh ingredients that were available anywhere. Over time, the word spread. \ \ Why would anyone produce a show that advocates a return to the disgusting habit of cooking from cans and boxes? This is beyond pathetic. Does anyone really need instruction to do things this badly?

• Bump for Cocktail Time in slo-mo:

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLrNGIbqn0w