Thursday, Nov. 11, 2010
I caught my straight boyfriend looking at gay porn. He says he likes it because the images are so sexual, and that he's never engaged in any homosexual acts. Still, I'm kind of freaked out. What should I do?
Dear Freaked Out,
Let%E2%80%99s immediately out the subtext: You wonder whether your boyfriend is gay. The underlying question: Does the porn one chooses reflect one%E2%80%99s sexual persuasion? Does one equal the other?
The answer: No. The math is not that tidy. Porn is a product of fantasy, and fantasy is unruly. A key player in one%E2%80%99s arousal, our fantasies can be strange, aberrant, even disturbing. They can feature players whom we are not on any cognitive level attracted to, but with whom we have an imagined X-rated encounter. Fantasies are never a straightforward narrative, nor should they be scrutinized as such. Porn is an outcropping of this approach to arousal.
Marta Helliesen, a Manhattan sex therapist and sexuality educator concurs: %E2%80%9CHe is probably not gay, but sex-curious. Looking at porn of any kind does not reflect your desire in real life; it taps into fantasies, which are most often far away from reality.%E2%80%9D The real issue here? %E2%80%9CIt is a reflection of poor communication around sex and sexual desires, pleasure and so forth.%E2%80%9D
F.O., as the Taoists and coaches of the world tell us: Crisis is opportunity. The game-changer? Conversation. It is time to sit down with your boyfriend and discuss your sex life with utter transparency. What excites you? What can you tell him about your subterranean desires? And what can he tell you about his? Don%E2%80%99t press each other into divulging your every salacious thought. Instead, find some common ground while preserving your autonomy.
For starter fluid, include the essential The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex in your conversation. It has an extensive section on fantasy, including many testimonials that show you just how variable %E2%80%93 and surprising %E2%80%93 we can all be in what turns us on.
Claudia Dey is the author of How to Be a Bush Pilot: A Field Guide to Getting Luckier
He''s bi-curious now, and gay in a couple of years. 100% guarantee
I''m gay. As a matter of fact, I''m a Kinsey 5 (according to another thread).\
But guess what? I LOVE straight porn. I love watching lesbians eating each other out, I love watching huge cocks pummel tight pussies, and I love watching the proverbial girl next door wreck her holes with various toys. I also enjoy watching tranny porn every now in then--especially when a tranny is plowing an average Joe.\
That said, I would never have sex with a woman or a tranny. Porn is all about fantasy and even though most of what I watch involves women, I would never say that I''m straight-curious.
Yes, but in the case of straight pron, there is still a dick present, so gays have something to look at. In gay porn, there''s nothing there to look at except dicks going into asses. There is nothing present that should turn on a straight guy. Dude is GAY!
r3 there is a hole
Straight guys of the younger generation might be more open-minded today
He''s going to be from straight to sexual to bisexual to gay to Gay 4 Pay...Guaranteed!
[italic]Straight guys of the younger generation might be more open-minded today[/italic]\
By getting off to gay porn? What on Earth would they be getting out of it. If they''re not totally straight, that would be understandable. But all that''s there is cock. I''m not saying that they have to be repulsed by it. But getting off to it? That''s something completely different.
I think R2 wishes he were really that omni-sexual, but he''s lying to himself.\
And the boyfriend in question is most certainly struggling with his latent homosexuality.\
Straight men don''t gravitate to gay porn. Ever.
I disagree, R9.
Straight women fantasize about two men fucking each other, so why wouldn''t straight men do the same.
I agree with R8
I''m with R2, I love good straight porn and even the lesbian stuff - though I''m only gay gay gay. Why? I think because it''s forbidden and I can''t identify with it (I don''t have or fuck a pussy) or feel either left out (I the hot guy, but he''s straight so it doesn''t matter) or compare myself with the models.
If watching two guys get it on gets your dick hard, you are not straight. Bi, maybe.
[italic]Straight women fantasize about two men fucking each other, so why wouldn''t straight men do the same.[/italic]\
Straight men fantasize about two women fucking. Straight women find guys attractive, thus, in gay porn they''re still seeing MEN! Straight men find women attractive, thus, in lesbian porn, they''re still seeing women.\
Get it? Good.
It''s not quite that simple, R15
Okay, so which part makes you "Gay For Pay?"
Yes it is, R16.
Ridiculous response! He''s bisexual!
Pee Wee Poundstone
OP...everyone can talk endlessly about fantasy, and oh, he just likes it, and he never acts on it, blah, blah, blah.%0D\
Here''s the bottom line: Your boyfried is gay. Plain and simple. He''s just not out yet. He''s living in denial. He may even have sex with you. Doesn''t matter. He''s gay. He''s not bi. He''s gay.
Have to agree with R1, passing through Bi-town on his way to Gayville.
If you get off watching 2 guys go at it you are NOT a heterosexual male. NOT. These silly fraus are deluded if they think a man who finds 2 men fucking "so sexual" is heterosexual. The best they can hope for is "bi" but he is definitely NOT hetero.
Fraus are so silly
R20, the question is from a Q&A column in The Globe and Mail newspaper
He may not be gay, but the guy ain''t straight.
Maybe we should stop trying to label people and just let them be what they are. I think the best answer I can give is: who the hell knows what he is. Maybe he doesn''t. %0D\
He''s human. %0D\
As long as he''s honest with her and tells her what he''s up to, and even includes her if she wants, then tbh I just don''t care.%0D\
I wouldn''t mind betting this is a hypothetical situation the magazine has made up just to address the issue, though I''m sure it happens.
She in danger, gurl.
Okay, what would you all say about the fact that studies show MOST people get aroused when they watch animals fuck? %0D\
Just because you can get off watching two rhinos fuck doesn''t mean you want to fuck one yourself.
[quote]I caught my straight boyfriend looking at gay porn.%0D\
What part of that sounds like he is being "honest with her" R25?
R15, straight women are not attracted to the two gay men fucking - the straight women are turned on by the act of the two men fucking and the sexiness of the two men stimulating each other.%0D\
The straight women are not focused on being attracted to the two men.%0D\
I''m a straight woman and fantasize about two men fucking quite often - and it has never crossed by mind to be attracted to the two men involved - I just like the rawness of them fucking.
R22, you are wrong. People of all sexual persuasions can be turned on by any two people fucking of any gender - and can be turned on by seeing animals fuck.
Come on, I know a few porn addicts and they will watch (and HAVE watched) anything.
[italic]Okay, what would you all say about the fact that studies show MOST people get aroused when they watch animals fuck? [/italic]\
Eww. No way.
[italic]People of all sexual persuasions can be turned on by any two people fucking of any gender - and can be turned on by seeing animals fuck.[/italic]\
[italic][R15], straight women are not attracted to the two gay men fucking - the straight women are turned on by the act of the two men fucking and the sexiness of the two men stimulating each other.[/italic]\
That wasn''t my point, hon. What I was saying was, the gender that one is attracted to is still present in what they''re viewing.\
Straight men do not get off on seeing two gays guy stimulating each other, or fucking. It''s that simple.\
Seeing two chicks stimulating each other and fucking DOES turn them on.
I''m report [R2] to GLADD. \
He said tranny!
This lady at work briefly broke up with her boyfriend because she found ''inappropriate'' porn on his computer. I always wondered if it was gay porn.
It could be any number of things, from underage to tranny/"lady boys" to amputee to geriatrics...
I suppose, R38. I should have asked what she thought ''appropriate'' porn was.
37, and holding...
What does "caught him looking at gay porn" mean? Surfing the web going, "you wouldn''t believe some of the things people are into!" or, cock in hand, jacking his meat watching one dude pound another in the ass?
One of Hugh Hefner''s ''girlfriends'' did a tell-all about her time at the Playboy mansion about five years ago.\
She said that when Hef had sex with her and the other girlfriends, he would always have gay porn playing on a huge screen in front of the bed. Always.
R3, you limit yourself. There is a lot of gay porn that deals primarily or exclusively with oral, and there are a lot of us who prefer it.
Wholly crap, straight women are naive!\
(My Dad ogles women with big boobs, do you think he might be a heterosexual?)
lol r8, I was about to post the same thing
given that straight men love lesbian porn, and are neither gay nor women, and lesbians often like gay male porn, and are neither straight nor, at least generally, into fucking men, I''d have to agree that this guy is not nec. gay.
I sometimes like watching lesbian porn if it''s really hot, but I''m a gay man.\
Of course I''m somewhat of a connoisseur when it comes to porn of all kinds. I don''t find that much of it hot (the secret is when the people on screen are really enjoying themselves, and that rarely seems to happen). But the stuff I do find hot I find really hot.\
It''s kind of the way I feel about musicals. Most of them suck but those that are great really rock me.
R41, Heff admitted to having at least one gay affair in his youth (and I''d guess where there''s one there''s more), so I''m thinking gay porn isn''t so strange for him.
I don''t even like gay porn solos, let alone two women. If I can''t see at least two guys on screen I''m not interested.
Does he sneak a listen to show tunes every once in a while also?
He told you he is turned on by gay porn and you and you now, wonder, you know, if that means he is gay. That is absolutely INSANE!!!!!. I can''t believe how messed some peoples heads are, it is not just religious wackos.
"Heff admitted to having at least one gay affair in his youth (and I''d guess where there''s one there''s more), "\
just plain inaccurate.\
Lots of straight guys have one gay experience.\
Just like lots of gay guys have one straight experience.\
We''ve known all of this since Kinsey almost 3/4 of a century ago.
There are so many inaccuracies on this thread.%0D\
A person of any sexual persuasion can get turned on watching any two people of any gender fucking.%0D\
I understand why people state bisexuality as impossible - its merely because they are in a situation where people won''t allow THEM to be seen as bisexual, so they in turn have to label everyone else as one particular orientation.
It depends what kind of porn it is though - if one of the guys in it is soft skinned very feminine looking twink, then its not so easy just to call the viewer gay.
If you watch (even get off) to gay porn once or twice, I''d buy you are just curious. Maybe you''re a Kinsey 2 or 3 even. You watch a lot of porn and the biggest portion of it is regularly gay? You are not just curious. \
This is from a me, a gay man who would only consider sex with a woman if I got to fuck her husband and her husband was Hugh Jackman.
So I came home from a long weekend away and the b/f is in bed with another guy. B/F has his legs in the air and is being jack hammered by another guy.%0D\
He''s still straight though, right, cause he''s thinking about me while he''s getting fucked by another guy.
[quote]would only consider sex with a woman if I got to fuck her husband and her husband was Hugh Jackman%0D\
Good lord R55, that would leave you fucking this frump. Yeesh.
And Jackman himself is aging very fast; he''s really begun to lose his looks.
R3 (and others)... I know lesbians who LOVE to watch gay pron. There isn''t a pussy or tit to see anywhere, but they love it because it''s so SEXUAL.%0D\
That doesnt'' make them straight.%0D\
Why y''all gotta go and try and squeeze everyone into one of two very tiny boxes? %0D\
Human sexuality isn''t black and white.%0D\
R51 does not understand the concept of "guess."
R40 raises the most salient point, was he jacking off, or laughing?
I have lesbian friends who like gay male porn. They say that the like the blurring of traditional gender roles.
I like mmf-bi porn, even if the woman is fully interactive. Never happen in real life.
[quote]She said that when Hef had sex with her and the other girlfriends, he would always have gay porn playing on a huge screen in front of the bed.\
Gay as in guy-guy or chick/chick?\
But if the guy in THIS story watched gay porn once or twice - you could call that curiousity (although I''ve never been curious enough to check out "chick only" porn. Ever.) If he regularly watches it - gay, gay, gay!\
It is amusing to hear straight "experts" bloviate on homosexuality though.
I''m a middle-aged lesbian who def prefers gay male porn. Lesbian porn is the fakest kind of all (that''s saying something) and those girls are not anyone I''d be remotely interested in in RL. Same for straight porn. Blech. Don''t know why I like to watch men fuck but I don''t want to sleep with a man. Been there. Done that. Thought I''d give it a try from curiosity. Still no go. \
There are a lot of lezzies who watch gay porn. Not uncommon at all. Haven''t figured it out yet except - who cares? I''ve been watching this stuff for years and I still only want to sleep with women. I have fantasies about BDSM too. Doesn''t mean I want to do that either. Human sexual response is way too complicated to pack it into neat, little, tidy packages. And people are often surprising and unpredictable. Understatement that.\
I don''t know. Maybe it''s different for men. Are y''all really so either/or?
Exactly, R59. I''m a straight woman who likes to see two men fucking because it is so sexual and exciting.%0D\
Straight men are no different.%0D\
See any two people of any gender fucking can be very sexual and exciting.%0D\
And a hetero, bisexual, or gay person of any gender can find watching any two people of any gender fucking exciting.
Obviously guy/guy, R64. Why else would he even bring it up?\
Have you guys ever thought that maybe the reason sexuality isn''t so fluid in modern society is that you won''t allow it? Why would a straight person feel comfortable exploring his same-sex attractions when you''re all going to scream "homo" at him? In this respect, you''re as terrible as the religious bigots and bullies.
[quote]Straight men are no different.\
keep telling yourself that lie
straight men like T/A only - from women
[quote]Obviously guy/guy, [R64]. Why else would he even bring it up?\
Cuz the no-name bunny was trying to sell a book. She may have conveniently let people jump to the conclusion, as you are, that it was guy/guy in order to get some attention.
The boyfriend is a ... Republican.!%0D\
(Closeted Freepers who troll this site more than understand.)
I think quite a lot of, if not most people are at least a little bit bisexual, but very few of them identify themselves as bisexual. You only have to see the shit they kick up on DL to appreciate it''s just easier to call yourself straight or gay.
most straight guys prefer to be anally penetrated
I never realized how deluded straight women were until I read this thread. Keep telling yourself what you need to, if that is how you get thru the day sweeties.
I think women really can be bi, and really can watch porn outside their orientation (I know quite a puzzling number of women who are straight but only watch lesbian porn but have never strayed). \
So, like the woman who mis-advises this woman, they always give the benefit of doubt a man who claims he''s just "curious" or "just bi", because they think men are similar. I don''t believe a man would really watch gay porn more than once, without being gay as christmas. Once is enough to know if it''s a turn on, and if it''s a turn on, dude''s gay.
He''s not gay, he''s just a size queen.
My boyfriend is into leather, does than mean he''s into bestiality? after all, it comes from cows.\
My boyfriend likes feet, does that mean he''s bi? after all, both guys and girls have feet.\
My boyfriend likes to have me dress up in silk and lacy, does that mean he''s a pussy? After all those are such girlie things.\
My boyfriend likes straight porn but only with guys with big dicks. Does that mean he''s gay? Whoops, well that would mean most guys are gay, since most of them are into porn, and most male straight porn stars have big dicks.\
My boyfriend likes straight porn but really loves cum shots. Does that mean he''s gay? Whoops, well that would mean most guys are gay, since most of them are into porn, and most straight porn makes a big deal about the cumshot.\
My boyfriend likes to watch football? Does that mean he''s gay? After all, what''s football but a bunch of jocks piling on top of each other in a hotbed of testosterone?
"I don''t know. Maybe it''s different for men. Are y''all really so either/or?"%0D\
Yes, R65. This is why all the gay men here are calling the guy out, so to speak. He may be mostly straight, but he''s not entirely so... Guys are definitely more inclined to watch porn that fits more closely with their actual sexual orientation.
No. Men want you to THINK they''re so either/or, and actually kinda want to believe it themselves, but I''ve seen way too much evidence that the black-and-white, either-or thing is a fascade, a front. It''s not reality.%0D\
Fuck you, R81. Did you somehow miss the intent? Did you understand the statement? %0D\
Yeah, I thought so. Grow up.%0D\
Take your own advice, fat cunt/R82. Most of us learned how to spell in elementary school.
[quote] There are a lot of lezzies who watch gay porn. Not uncommon at all. Haven''t figured it out yet except - who cares? I''ve been watching this stuff for years and I still only want to sleep with women. I have fantasies about BDSM too.%0D\
R65. You sound like me... I love BDMS "power-play" porn involving two men but in reality I like women. Maybe I''m not as completely messed up as I thought I was.
The "expert" was wrong because social pressures against gay are so strong that for someone to fantasize in this way such that his female sees it, he has to have mentally broken down the heternormative barriers, so it is highly unlikely this will stay at the level of fantasy. Indeed, it is highly unlikely it is only at the level of fantasy.%0D
my boyfriend is a fat cunt and looks at gay porn
R80, it is in no way a front, please. If men were really capable of bisexuality, don't you think most gay men would just take the easy path and date women? Just face it, men are different from us. I'm not saying it's completely impossible, but somebody who acts like men aren't highly skewed one way or another is sticking their head in the sand and doing women like the one described a disservice.
[quote]Seated alone in a laboratory room, the men then watched a series of erotic movies, some involving only women, others involving only men. Using a sensor to monitor sexual arousal, the researchers found what they expected: gay men showed arousal to images of men and little arousal to images of women, and heterosexual men showed arousal to women but not to men.
[quote]But the men in the study who described themselves as bisexual did not have patterns of arousal that were consistent with their stated attraction to men and to women. Instead, about three-quarters of the group had arousal patterns identical to those of gay men; the rest were indistinguishable from heterosexuals.
Honestly, if anyone cared about the woman in this scenario, whether an advice columnist or someone in her life, they''d tell her to leave. \
The boyfriend is almost certainly gay. He is sexually attracted to men, and the odds of him likewise being sexually attracted to women are very low.
Yes. He is gay porn.
[quote]The "expert" was wrong because social pressures against gay are so strong that for someone to fantasize in this way such that his female sees it, he has to have mentally broken down the heternormative barriers, so it is highly unlikely this will stay at the level of fantasy. Indeed, it is highly unlikely it is only at the level of fantasy.%0D\
Agree with this. %0D\
It''s a huge step for a straight guy with a girlfriend to be watching guy on guy when there''s a wealth of straight porn out there for him to sneak or a real live gf to bed. %0D\
He is certianly not straight but maybe not gay. Maybe he is bisexual. He likes to watch men at it, that''s all that can be said for sure.