We met at 16 and stayed together for 6 years before I broke things off. Its thirty five years later and I still think of him most every day. I know this is more to do with me than with him,but he is like a hole in my heart. Yes this thread was inspired by the "I''ve got a stalker thread". I''ve always kept track of him,easy to do because he is prominent in his field,but I''ve never called although I would love to hear his voice even on a machine. We are both partnered and I don''t want to hurt anyone unnecessarily. Is there anything I can do to get rid of this obsession?
God, I''m a pathetic old queen.
Can someone else go first?
I don''t have it in me to be the bitchy R1.
Then why waste the space, r1?
Thirty-Five years to fantasize him into perfection. Meeting him won''t make any difference, you will focus on the parts that support the fantasy and ignore the parts that don''t.%0D\
Wake up and smell the coffe rosebud. You are just idealizing the passion of teenage romance.
I think you are in love with the idea of love, not a.n actual person
I feel bad for your partner. he deserves better than to be with someone who is thinking about someone else like you are.
Exactly what R6 said.
I think its perfectly normal to romanticize the past.
You made your bed, OP. \
Sucks to know you fucked up so spectacularly, eh? Sorry for you.\
This is not to say you cannot ever see him again, you just cannot do it while you are both partnered. \
BTW, how do you know he is partnered?
R3 and R5 are soulless nonentities who don''t know what love is. R9 is just a cruel narcissist.
It''s probably being 16 you''re idealizing, not the guy.
I got together with an old love this summer. Fifteen years, not thirty-five, but still--he was my Great Love. Similar to the OP.\
It was great to be with him, but I got to compare the reality of who he is with the memory (the fantasy?) of who he was. It''s helped me move on.\
Get in touch with him, just for that reason.
Still pining after 35 years?!?! Contact him.
Wasn''t Facebook invented to solve these problems?
Life is fleeting. Live without regrets, darlin''. Send him a friend request.
Searching for another word, perhaps?
20 years here. I think of him daily.
get over it!
Gore Vidal never got over his first love, either. \
It''s a prescription for a crabbed, embittered life.
I contacted mine through Facebook after many years. We exchanges some friendly emails, but didn''t stay in touch because he''s in a long term relationship. I''ve thought about what it is that I missed about him and it wasn''t like we were having wild sex all the time, but it was more that he was a great listener and we could talk about the crazy details of my life and laugh about it. These days if I want to talk out loud about those things it tends to be more with my family. It was nice though to have a chance to wish him well. I would advise you OP to go through the internet if you try to contact him. That way you can maybe organize your thoughts. Don''t have huge expectations either because obviously he''s in a completely different place in his life.
my grandpa married his first love after more than 50 years, after my grandma passed away. they were lifelong friends.
"my grandpa married his first love after more than 50 years, after my grandma passed away. they were lifelong friends."%0D\
[italic]Now[/italic] a warning?
didi''s Grandma, In "Death Becomes Her"
I pine for the fjords.
[quote]Yes this thread was inspired by the "I''ve got a stalker thread". I''ve always kept track of him,easy to do because he is prominent in his field,but I''ve never called although I would love to hear his voice even on a machine. \
Are you the MyLife shill?
No, I''m not the mylife shill. I do think that r 11,5 and 3 are all probably right.. I am nostalgic for the feeling of being young and madly in lust,for the one who couldn''t keep his hands off me and was such a great listener. I know he is partnered because they''ve owned a house together for 18 years.Public records. My own partner, who is my best friend, btw, would be so hurt to know I am always thinking of someone else and even more if I did contact him.But,maybe contacting him and seeing the reality is the only way to move on.
Why did you break it off when you did, OP?\
No doubt you left him confused and very hurt.\
If you decide to make contact again, you must tell you partner in advance. It''s the only fair way.
My first love hates me with a white hot passion. Almost everything he "remembers" about me is a lie. I find that very disconcerting. I suppose that could just be his way of discouraging people from his past, but suppose it is not? Suppose he has really made up a fictitious story where I did all these bad things that in real life never happened? That he doesn''t remember being in love with me and giving me presents and such? What does that say about people that their recollections are so easily faked?%0D
[quote]What does that say about people that their recollections are so easily faked?\
When there has been severe emotional damage from a relationship, this is done more often than not. It''s a coping mechanism.
"But,maybe contacting him and seeing the reality is the only way to move on."\
No. Therapy is.
Well, SOMEBODY had to say it.
What did you do to him, R27. C''mon, fess up.
I came across an old love of mine after 20 years had passed. At one time I thought he was the love of my life.\
He was 33 when we parted. He had had dark brown hair and a neatly trimmed beard. A friend of mine said he "exuded sex."\
When I saw him again all those years later, his hair was gray; he wore glasses. He looked like a retired businessman. I wouldn''t have recognized him had we passed on the street. We kissed and he said I was still a good kisser. I felt verklempt and withdrew out of his sight. \
I haven''t thought much about him since, but we might have had a good life together, if he wasn''t a two-timing prick.
What R30 said.\
Fess up r27
Well, that''s just it. He threw me out, I didn''t do anything to him, including any of the things he has subsequently accused me of. So if he suffered "emotional damage" it was at his own hands.
He threw you out for a reason.
What R10 said.%0D\
Most of the posters in this thread sound like accountants.
Did he buy you extravagant gifts R27?
R26, we were just young and I needed to experience other people. Thank God I had the foresight to tell him that I wished I had met him 20 years later when I would be ready. I''m sure he was terribly hurt and confused.R29, why would I spend so much money and time on therapy when I can come here and share this secret? I actually feel alot better just having started this thread. Maybe I should write a postcard to that PostSecret website...
OP, feeling like that old cat singing about how I was beautiful once
R10 is hoping he falls in love when he''s 16...in 8 years.
I have exact same story. We stayed together for 6 years. We broke up in 1975 and I think of her all the time.
Her name was Linda. She moved to Dowdy Ferry road, near Dallas, from the Czech communities in central Texas. She was a natural platinum blonde, emerald green eyes, and porcelin complexion was flawless, and she was built like a brick sh1t house.
She was ultra-high maintenance. She wouldn't let me hang out with my guy friends. She could be possessive and jealous.
The relationship was never consummated. I could have gotten tricky and pressed the issue more than I did. But I knew I would be throwing her under the bus if I did. She was in a emotional delicate person and very fearful about sex. She had a complicated family of origin issues I won't go into here. Her sensibilities were acute even for a female. Doing a mash job on her would have devastated her.
I valued her with all that was in me and would have never sacrificed her well being.
Finding her daughter on facebook the other day brought her back in front of me and I find myself stressing over her.
But this time I am going to try to cough her up.
Finding someone out there with the same exact story(even the eras are the same)is kinda neat! I will exchange emails with you if you like.
My main problem is that I have an idealized vision in my head that nobody can ever match. Not to say that the person has to be perfect, but they do have to be otherworldly. It never happens.
Hopeless romantic here. What happened, did you contact him?
Def not the same situation. But crushing over someone, I feel like I cant move on or be with someone because I am stll thinking about him. It wouldnt be fair to the person Id be with.
Wow, OP - pining for your first love after 35 years? Thank you for telling me that because I thought I was pathetic pining for my first love after 4 years!
Why is it that love is such a powerful thing and can change you for the rest of your life? I hate longing for someone that's long gone, but I haven't met anyone that made me feel as good as he did.
This thread is 2 years old. Uggghhh. Just pay the 18, cheapy cheap cheap.
r42 "I haven't met anyone that made me feel as good as he did"
I tend to hold crushes for a long time. And I get asked why? I never knew how to answer, and you totally answered it.
R44 LOL - Glad I could help!
Now if we could just find people that make us feel better than those people did.
I get ya.
Still, you have carried the torch for 35 years.
There must have been something about the guy that serves as the basis for your idealizations,
some rare quality you have subsequently found lacking in all the other ones. This could have angered you because they seemed to be refusing to be your first boyfriend. You began comparing,and finding them woefully lacking. I say this because it was ONE of the things I did after Linda was gone. I have recently gained a new reality on what it was that was special about Linda, and how it affected my future relationships
Linda was from one of the Czech enclaves in central Texas. She had sensibilities heavily influenced by that culture. Americans are thick skinned compared to them. She was oh-so-dainty and she made the generic American girls seem "roller derby" by comparison.It was Karen carpenter VS Wendy o. Williams. She also had a very high character. Exasperating at times? YEP!I had to treat her like a carton of eggs when we were out. She was easily frightened by things I wouldn't have thought. This isn't a problem for me, as I am a paint-the-town-beige kind of guy anyway.
The main sticking point was the sexual tension.This is quite a difficult thing to manage for a 16 to 22 year old male. It was excruciating.
She claimed to be a virgin, but I suspect there was some sexual abuse there somewhere. There was a lot of fear in her, I could FEEL it. Be that as it may, Linda was a virgin as far as I was concerned. Distrusting her never occurred to me even to this day. Her character really was unassailable.
She had this aunt who lived with her. She was real old country. She was skin and bones, sun-weathered, wizened, one -eyed, patchy bald, and never married. She was very hysterical-nature d. It wasn't always easy being Linda's boyfriend.
She was crushingly jealous of my male friends.
This is what led to the trouble that brought a sudden end to it all. I just couldn't keep it up.
What kept me around for six years? Linda held a "mystique" for me that went from here to there.She was desirable beyond desirable. I really wanted it to work out. I tried to make a place for her suited to her.I think I even downloaded her DNA. I began a process of change, one that turned out to be too slow. The sad thing is after she was gone I kept making and maintaining that place. One of no sharp corners. A sanctuary designed just for her. No roller derby tracks.
When the others came, they had their skates on. It wasn't pleasant. Funny thing. 2 or 3 have found me, and all say the same thing: I was the best boyfriend they ever had. One has idealized me into a male version of Linda. I hear from her all the time. I remember how she came roaring around the banked track and knocked me over the rails without a thought when it suited her.
Tragically, my wife used Linda's place as a figurative opium den. She was very crazy and addictive. She seemed a Orangutang, bounding all over the house. She found Linda's place a perfect enabling place. And she died in there. She was the mother of my daughter.
For some, Linda's place merely served as a comfortable place to pick up some bad habits that got them into major trouble with other men they became involved with. I mean they really got their heads broke. The stories stretched credulity.
All this occurred to me the other day. I realized I should shut Linda's place down.
It was easy. As soon as I arrived there, the house transformed into something like one of those old abandoned barns along the highways. Abandoned for decades and beginning to fall in. That was sad for me. I suddenly had a sense of the time that has passed since we were together.
You see, I kept her with me all these years, she still seemed to be around. Her aunt too. I may have downloaded her DNA too. I am still trying to placate her, so now I have a Aunt Julie, but I digress.
How do I finally put her in the past?
I suppose I could compare it to looking at old summer camp pictures. Imagine what it would be like finding a heretofore unnoticed face watching your group from the trees.L
Sorry, The forum wouldn't let me finish that last one. Where were we? The face in the trees.
Logically, a face in a 35 year old picture is nothing to be afraid of,but your heart still goes up in your throat, doesn't it? In the same way, I should be able to put Linda back in the shoe box with that picture. Would it be it were that simple. Linda is hard-wired into my heart. I have her DNA. She is literally in my blood. Linda was animal crazy and so is my daughter. She didn't get that from me. I don't mean actual genes, of course.
Memory is also cellular.
Linda never did anything I can even stretch into a excuse to put the blame on her. And I can be a blamer. Sure, she was driven to be overly possessive. I look past all that and the never again since encountered baggage because I saw what was within. I accept full responsibility for the break up. I didn't get it done. A lack of communication was at the bottom of it all. I should have said things I never said. By accepting responsibility for what happened with Linda, I can now easily forgive those to came after. I never made them a place, you see. There really wasn't anything wrong with them, exactly. They just weren't a Linda. If Linda had never been around to compare them to I wouldn't have even noticed the difference. With them too, I failed to make it work. So off they went to get themselves into whatever they got themselves into. That doesn't mean the fact three of them had 11 marriages between them with no 2 children by the same man was my fault. I still have to look at the fact I helped my wife drink her self to death. And I have to look at the fact so many others became victims of serious crimes almost immediately after leaving my place. Not only that, but there is one out there who has made ME the object of her own Linda complex that has been going on for about what, 25 years now? That relationship blew up on the launchpad. She met someone else a month into it and PTTT! She was gone. Where does she get off constantly bugging me? I don't want to get started with her. I still play fair with Linda. I call her on her birthday about every 5 years. Although it's been about 8 years since I last did. I can honestly say I haven't caused a speck of trouble. She is about 100 miles from here in a small town. All her family lives down there too. That is what she needs and she is never coming back.
I am facing that and the realization of how long she has been gone now. It doesn't hurt so bad as all that. The goal is here is not to "get over it", but to feel lighter about it.
I think you are a great writer, R46 / R47. A really great writer (and I have had a few novels published myself). I need to warn you, though, that you are going to get a lot of flack for being here and baring your soul regarding heterosexual lost love on a gay site. Ignore the haters (maybe they won't show up). Channel your feelings for Linda and Aunt Julie's DNA and your psychically non-roller-derby abode into a wonderful novel or a short story.
It's done in Lars Eighner style R48, and probably not entirely original.
Thanks! I have a book started, not about this. I need to take a english class first.
It's a gay site? I didn't notice. I thought it unusual a chick would pine for 35 years. They don't back up an inch. Anyway, I am now neutral. As hard as I tried to do the right thing it all came to disaster. Might as well quit.
I imagine the process of recovery is the same.
I had been living with this so long. Once I stopped keeping Linda's powder puff palace maintained, I realized how tired I am of the whole thing.I mean, sick to death of it. 36 years is a long time ago. Takes a lot of breath to huff and puff that ember alive. I am sure a lot of the weight will drop off on it's own. The weight I didn't notice last week now seems so heavy.
If it was that long ago he would be a total stranger to you by now. You are hung up on a past that no longer exists and probably wasn't as great as you remember. That isn't love, just some obsession. It is really weird too - I remember the name of my first love but hardly remember what he looks like.
I'm sorry. I seem to be having trouble designating my replies for a specific poster. Doesn't seem to be anything to click on.
Anyway. It is weird, as you say. I would say generally, it points to earlier family of origin issues, usually a death in the family during the formative years, or two, as was the case with me. In my case the events metastasized into a whole litany of challenges including but not limited to; shame issues, social ineptness, and a massive anxiety condition, which I guess are all the same thing. I almost forgot, one of the deaths being my dad, my mom married a hostile alcoholic. That compounded the issues beyond my child's ability to cope. Given that, it is not surprising I find myself in that situation.
As far as the real love vs obsession thing;
They DO say true love never dies. On the other hand, obsessions are eventually replaced by another obsession, in my experience.
I will say the fact Linda went to a different school, along with the fact she was mainly interested in sitting and staring at each other more than she was in probing to much into my home life probably had something to do with it. getting too close to the kids in my own school could have led to exposure of my "killing" my dad and my crazy drunk step dad. I considered very carefully the possibility this whole thing was a reactive relationship, based on nothing more than "I won't touch your bruises if you won't touch
mine". My counter-argument to that idea is if that were the case I would come to loathe her, find fault,question here,and get verbally abusive, etc. None of that ever happened. Doubting her never occurred to me.
I have the highest respect for her and hold her blameless to this day. That has to be true love.
My first love is still my best one. He doesn't understand. He thinks if he didn't reject me in the end, I wouldn't love him today. I don't get that thinking, it's ridiculous.
Misty, water-coloured memories, OP? Let's see 16 - 22, I guess that means your parents were financing this love affair through H.S. through college (talk about free love). You were young and pretty and hadn't a care in the world! Methinks your emotional development stopped as a teen, and everything since has been ugly and boring and hard.
You're not alone in your sad, twisted daydreams; most gay men are trying to be 17-4ever, too.
[quote]Methinks your emotional development stopped as a teen, and everything since has been ugly and boring and hard.
How and why do you think that happens? I'm interested in the idea of people emotionally being stuck in the past.
Arrogant and condescending R54 and R55. It's just the luck of the draw. Sometimes the first one is the best one there is ever going to be.
Despite what their IQ becomes, #55, I think their brain literally thinks they are still teen-agers. Anything "grown-uppy" is unnatural for them. They're attracted to partying and hot cars and switching partners when they get "boring". Like Baby Jane, they look into the mirror and see an old crone staring back.
You're in good company, OP -- well, famous company, anyway. Gore Vidal is still carrying on about a high school classmate, who died in WW2. Doesn't seem to realize that it's all a fantasy.
Why not buy yourself a ticket to a revival of "Follies"?
I pined for my first love for 25 years, and OP for the last 4 years I have been with a guy I am crazy about and I'm finally am over him. In fact I love my current partner more than my first love, which looking back was probably puppy love.
Blah blah blah, calling someone immature is not analysis, and certainly not helpful, and always hypocritical. Are you saying people who don't get stuck on their first loves don't find life boring and hard? Such indisciplined, lazy commentary.
I pined for my first love after he broke my heart. I felt, at the time, that I would never recover. He'd asked me to move in, but when I arrived with all my stuff, he introduced me to his new boyfriend. (I was 17, he was 18.) Something changed in me that night -- the night he told me we were through in such a harsh way. We both moved on. I moved up. He stayed the same, working for his mom, living in Staten Island. One night I saw him out and he acted like none of this had ever happened. ("You've gotten better looking! Are you working out?") I took the compliments with a skeptical smile. Then I took him back to my apartment ("Wow, you have a really nice place!") and made it with him. Violently. The way I thought he wanted me to to when we were "together." Then I asked him to leave and never saw him again. It was closure and revenge all mixed into one. I still feel badly about it. But I have never been hurt like that before or since.
I'm not in love anymore, but I still feel heartbroken. It's like I am in love with an ideal in my mind.
Boy, talk about some people in need of some SERIOUS therapy. And face slapping. Thirty five fucking years? We ALL never "get over" our first loves. We are not supposed to. That is a special memory, time, moment of growth and awakening. It's sacred. But if any of you out there have UNFINISHED BUSINESS with old lovers or partners or boy or girlfriends or whatever you want to call them. then FINISH IT. First and foremost? Make sure of your MOTIVES. What is it that you really want? What is it that you really feel?
This is all about YOU. Not the other people. Not the "one that got away." It's all narcissistic drama. Some of you wallow in it. You are fucking Healthcliff on the Moors pining for his "wild, sweet Cathy." You KNOW you are. The lost loves are an IMAGE, an icon, too. The people they are today are NOT the perfected images you remember. Sometimes it is better simply to remember them as they were than to meet them and see their skin tags and white hair and saggy asses and have the fantasy dashed. FANTASY IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN REALITY.
And how is this hurting you, R63, that you get so worked up over it? And in what way is it narcissistic? You could make the same claim about any "love" as being ego projection. You're not dealing with this subject on an adult level.
you sound like a fucking fish. grow up and be a man.
I'm more man than you'll ever be.
[quote]I'm not in love anymore, but I still feel heartbroken. It's like I am in love with an ideal in my mind.
I think you described the problem better than anyone else in this thread.
And more of a woman than you'll ever have.
OP, I did this for years too, and then finally I forced myself to stop. It involved me realizing that I wasn't really in love with him but I was in love with feeling the way I felt when I was young and in love.
You haven't been with this guy for a quarter of a century, do you really don;t know him anymore. You're only in love with some sort of fantasy of your ideal partner who you believe would make you happy if you only had him. He's not that guy.
It's like your addicted to a poison, which is the fantasy of the guy you can't have. It's a way of punishing yourself. Give up the poison: recognize you don't know him anymore and you'll never get him back. Live in the here and now. Stop looking him up on the Internet and cut any ties with him.
It's the only way you'll stop being addicted to beating yourself up over all this. You know that's what you're doing or you wouldn't have complained about it here; you also know you're addicted to it or you would have let the fantasy go long ago.
I know the feeling, R70. Same type of thing with me. Listen to R70, OP. It's awful to hear, but it will be better for you in the long run.
Blah blah blah. So many Xperts. Always anti-love. Isn't that the way of the world?
Falling in love with love is falling for make believe.
Falling in love with love is playing the fool.
Yeah, and I hear you and it's not true of ME.
I'm not in love with being in love.
My love is very object defined.
Always a hysterical hatred of love.
There are times where no words are as effective as a slap to the face. Backhand from right to left is most effective.