Let''s pretend we''re a Norman Lear sitcom.

I''ll be the black person.

Florida
• I''m the bleeding-heart Liberal.

  Maude

• I''ll be the special guest star who teaches the supporting actress about feminism.

• I''ll be the pancake makeup the actors slap on their faces with spatulas.

• I am the husband''s old army buddy. Two months ago I was the police officer and in three weeks I will be the door to door salesman.

• I''ll be the British housekeeper.

• I am the frayed upholstery on the arms of the easy chair, which indicates that the family that owns me is lazy and poor.

• I am nipples, defiantly poking at a kelly-green turtleneck.

• I am Valerie Bertinelli''s can''t-look-away camel toe.

• I am the "male chauvinist pig."

• I am Maude''s floor length vest.

• I''M REALLY, REALLY [bold]LOUD![/bold]

• I''m the set lighting, so stark and bright I make you squint.

• I''m James Evans''s "if then" constructs, inserted at least once per episode: \ \ "Can''t tell me a country that can put a man on the moon can''t stop dope trafficking!"

  James Evans''s tight-ass pants

• I''m the annoying bossy opinionated mother shouting at her bratty willful daughter. I''m based on his soon-to-be-divorced wife Frances.

• I''m Baby Joey! Little do I know my obnoxious, "Me Generation" parents will split up before I am even old enough for nursery school!

• I''m the hapless child wearing a turtleneck and love beads.

• I''m one of the two people you get trapped in an elevator with. You think we''re very different, but you''ll soon discover-- as we deliver a baby together-- how very, very alike we are on the inside.

• I''m the spic that talks like Speedy Gonzales.

• I''m the incredibly masculine male homosexual character that goes completely against stereotype.

• Im the racially progressive punchline that was meant to be controversial. But nobody really cared.

  "How come we overcame and nobody told me?!"

• I''m a miltown, downed with scotch. Hilarity ensues.

• [quote]I am nipples, defiantly poking at a kelly-green turtleneck.\ \ Im Janet Jackson''s taped down breast, that will be exposed to the masses two decades later. Have we met?

• I''m the nagging sensation that I''m watching an evening of one-acts at the community theatre rather than a multi-million dollar network sitcom.

• I''m Burt Mustin

• I''m the catchy theme song that has a couple of odd and slightly muffled lyrics. Everyone can hum me but no one can quite sing me.

• I LOVE R24.

• I''m James Evans''s crotch.

• I''m the Findlay''s wet bar, which constantly needs to be re-stocked.

• I am Jean Stapleton''s troublingly high hairline, not well disguised by her Toni home perm.

• I am the murmur of shock that ripples through the studio audience at the revelation of a serious plot development. \ \ The actors actually had to tape the scene three times but I was dubbed into the final take when the audience was no longer surprised.

• Damn! Damn! Damn!

  the punchbowl

• I''m Maude, telling you to go fuck yourself six ways to Sunday.

• I''m Alderman Davis. Why am I so involved with the Evans family? Don''t I have any other constituents?

• I''m Maude''s aborted fetus.

• I''m Adrienne Barbeau''s huge tits bouncing underneath a skin-tight shirt, which is the only reason any straight man ever watched Maude.

• I''m the audience''s suspension of belief that a creature like Adrienne Barbeau could have fell out of Bea Arthur''s vagina.

  That''s probably the first time I''ve ever written "Bea Arthur''s vagina." And l

• I am a shelf full of Emmys. Suck it, haytuhs!

  Emmy

• I''m Marcy Carsey.

• I''m the carpet painted onto the Bunkers'' floor in lieu of a real carpet.

• I''m the kitten in the logo during the closing credits.

• I''m the announcer who says, "This program was videotaped before a live studio audience".

• I''m the closing title music, which is just as catchy as the theme song.

• I am the syllable "Jawjj." I emerge in a raspy shout every three seconds from Isabel Sanford''s lips.

• We''re the gay actor playing straight and the straight actor playing gay who would later find success in ABC daytime.

  Tony Geary and Phil Carey

• I am a large advertising firm in Indianapolis. I will hire a former housewife and mother of two teenagers with no previous relevant work experience as an account executive.

• I''m Allan Melvin

• I am an excited member of the stdio audience, loudly urging Ja''Net DuBois''s character to slap another character.

• I''m Vincent Gardenia, who played three different roles on All in the Family--Frank Lorenzo, Jim Bowman (the guy who sold his house to the Jeffersons), and the guy married to Rue McClanahan''s character who wanted to swap mates with the Bunkers.

• I''m the killer fag.

• I''m Ann Romano''s sense of outrage, followed by a shrieking "DAMMIT!" addressed to whoever is pissing her off.

• I''m janeane garofalo watching at home.

• I''m the 1990''s-current day television. So vapid a Norman Lear sitcom would flop hard today.

• I''m the swastika on Archie Bunker''s door.

• I''m the spinoff of a spinoff of a spinoff of a spinoff.

• I''m the American flag covering the swastika on Archie Bunker''s door.

• I''m the carrot-orange bowl cut.

• I''m Nanette Fabray and Conrad Bain. We pretty much suck ass.

• I am Barbara Cooper''s just for show birth control pills.

  Valerie Bertinelli

• I am Maude''s just for show aborted fetus.

• I''m the exterior of the Bunker house in the opening credits which in no way matches the interior.

• Damn, you beat me to it, R34. \ \ Oh well, I guess I''m just a recycled plot line.

  R59

• I am the red long underwear that enhances Jimmie Walker''s emaciated body.

• I''m Henry Jefferson, who mysteriously disappears after Sherman Hemsley becomes available.

• He didn''t mysteriously disappear, R63.\ \ There was an entire episode devoted to Henry leaving and George first appearing.

• R40, get your 70s sitcoms right.

• I''m the overenthusiastic audience who will applaud wildly even when Edith Bunker recites an old chant about somebody having a cold in their chest, as if she''s a Special Olympian who needs encouragement.

• I''m the word "honky," baffling generations of kids born later than 1973.

• I''m the rapist who appears just when you think you''re going to get a light-hearted episode about Edith''s 50th birthday.

• I''m "Relevance" being forced to the back of the bus to make room for "Cheap Laughs" on GOOD TIMES. \ \ When I go I''m taking Amos and Rolle with me.

• I''m the audience laughing when it isn''t meant to be a funny moment.

• I''m the neighbor that lives downstairs and eats dog food to survive.\ \ And if you''re lucky, I just might cook you a meatloaf!

• I''m Penny''s mother, finding a novel new way to use a hot iron.

• The "strangers in an elevator" episode of AITF is playing on TV Land right now.\ \ Roscoe Lee Browne, Eileen Brennan and Hector Elizondo.

• I''m the kids in the same family that have NO family resemblance to each other.

• I''m a corpse.

  Beverly La Salle

• Im the original Lionel. CBS made sure no one ever found out why I was fired.

  Mike Evans, posting from oblivion

• I''m a fish-eyed fool.

  Aunt Esther

• I''m the powder blue and neon plaid of the mens'' three-piece polyester suits as well as the eggplant and kelly green of the womens'' wool sweaters.

• I am Michael Evans'' big round ass. Many mid 70s boys can''t keep their eyes off of me, but they are not sure why....yet.

• I am Thelma Evan''s young cleavage. The boy''s who are looking at my owner''s brother''s big twat can not understand why their friends drool over me.

• I am the tesseract between the Mother Cabrini Projects in Chicago, where the Evans family lives, and Tuckahoe, NY, where Florida Evans works.

• I''m the twinkly old person who teaches the characters that you''re never too old for sex, while the audience applauds.\ \ "There may be snow on the roof, but believe me, there''s still fire in the furnace!"

• I''m Danielle Brisebois, who will make no one forget Mike, Gloria and baby Joey

• I''m a black actress. If Norman Lear needs me to be older than I am, he puts me in a bad powdered wig and has me tussle with Fred Sanford. \ \ Then I will appear on either "The Jeffersons" or "Good Times" as my real age.

• I am the actors, standing still as the audience applauds me away to a commercial.

• I''m Pablo!

• For you, r79.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrntWCC01vg

  Michael Evans, the original Lionel

• Mike Evans, the first and third Lionel Jefferson, was *not* fired from The Jeffersons, he left to co-create/producer Good Times.

  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Evans_(actor)

• I''m John-Paul Lavoisier who got to ride John Amos'' big fat cock for 2 years. P.S. I still miss him.

• I''m a comedic flush.

  wooshhhhhhhhhhh, gurgle gurgle

• I''m the forgotten Norman Lear sitcom.

  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076979/

  "Apple Pie"

• I''m the waxy yellow build-up on Mary Hartman''s kitchen floor.

• I''m the very special episode.

• I''m the audience member shouting "Right on!" at something racially profound uttered by Florida Evans. \ \ Or Willona Woods.

• I''m the worn spot on the carpet behind the sofa. I''m here because the lead character is constantly RUNNING, running, running, back and forth, from the door to the kitchen.

  Dammit Julie! Dammit Schneider! Dammit Barbara!

• we''re the colors brown, beige and orange.

  we are EVERYWHERE!

• I''m the second Lionel Jefferson. In no way did I resemble the original recipe Lionel, and nothing was mentioned about the difference (on the show.)

• I''m a mo, hanging out in the Canadian woods

• I''m Florence Johnston''s sassy put-downs.

• I''m the killer fag.

• I''m Marla Gibbs'' eyeballs rolling in her head.

• I''m Weezie''s tits yearning to escape her one-piece swim suit in Hawaii.

• I am the sassy next door neighboor who rushes in without knocking and drops a few zingers and witty double entendres while I am rushing out the door.

  Witty Wilona she''s dyn-o-mite!

• I am Micheal Evan''s package

• I''m the recurring scene where George walks on Mr. Bentley''s back.

• I am the little fat kid on Good Times who is supposed to be trying to fight Michael. I can''t suppress my grin and the need to giggle while trying to look bad!

• I''m Sherman Hemsley''s agape mouth while staring unabashedly at Mike Evans'' package.

• I''m the DEE-Luxe apartment in the sky.

• I''m leaving for a film career.

• I''m the deluxe apartment in the sky that doesn''t look any nicer than a run of the mill apartment.

• I am Allen Melvin playing a cop in one episode than Barney Hefner in many others.

• I''m the huge round of applause the audience errupts into whenever a favorite character enters the room.

• I''m the bubbling sexual chemistry between Carroll O''Connor and Anne Meara in Archie Bunker''s Place.

• I''m the can of cling peaches.

• I''m the inevitable black doctor and female nurse who treat Archie whenever he needs emergency medical care.

• I''m Gloria LeRoy''s tits.

• I''m the hot baked chocolate cake in the face of Edith''s attempted rapist, the late actor David Dukes, and I am greeted with--surprise!--wild applause by the audience.

  Hot Baked Chocolate Cake, etc.

• I''m Archie Bunker, an uneducated loading dock foreman who supports four people solely on my paycheck. I''m thoughtless, stupid, crude, rude, cheap, ignorant, a liar, a thief, a forger, and a right wing bigot. But I love my dingbat wife and little goil and am myself very, very loveable.

• I''m the staircases and hallways that lead to nowhere.

• Im the view outside the patio of the DEEluxed apartment. Im blurry and disappointing.

• I''m Roxie Roker, looking smashing in my faux-Halston gown and natural hair.

• I''m the gay male viewer who wouldn''t have put up a fight had David Dukes circa 1977 broke into my home and tried to rape me.

• I''m Rue McClanahan answering the door wearing only Saran Wrap.

• I''m the three chimed doorbell at The Jefferson''s apartment that I wish I had growing up.

• I''m Marcia Rodd, who played Carol in the AITF Maude pilot and who was passed over for the seris role in favor of a tittier, less butch Adrienne Barbeau.

• WEHT Marcia Rodd?

• I love this thread! Someone start an MTM sitcom thread, too.

• I am Mother Jefferson''s grey wig.\ \ I wish she would dip me in her Bloody Mary!

  and then I''ll take a nap!

• I''m the ''Very Special episode" that "parental guidance is strongly suggested" for.

  Gordon Jump

• I am the type of cheesy sitcom based on having a supernatural being in the house that had a huge vogue on the 60s and is now out of favor to make room for the Lear sitcoms.\ \ I will be back in vogue in the 80s, though, as a show on syndicated channel.

  "She''s fantastic! Made of plastic!..."

• I''m the re-recording of the AITF theme song, so people would realize that the words were: "Gee, our old LASALLE ran great..."

• I''m the bottle of perm solution for Shelly Fabares.

• I''m all the hot guys who fell in love with Julie Cooper, a batshit crazy girl who resembles a cadaver.

• [quote]I''m the bottle of perm solution for Shelly Fabares.\ \ I''m her aunt on the same show.

  Nanette with a "y"

• I''m the canned laughter, on standby, in case the audience doesn''t get the joke or laugh loud enough.

• I''m the chair Mother Jefferson threw on the kitchen floor when she pretended to fall.

• I''m Edith''s slipper.

• OH and if someone starts a thread on MTM I have dibs on being the ''M'' hanging in Mary''s apartment. Someone else can be Rhoda''s headscarfs.

• Im the well used liquor decanter sitting near the door of the balcony of the DEEluxed apartment.

• I''m a barfly played by Doris Roberts. (And my daughter was ... The Rose.)\ \ I grew into my 60 yr old face at age 16 and I''ve been cashing in ever since.

• I''m George Jefferson''s weekly use of the word "honky".

• I''m the growing asphalt outside the Evans'' tenement building. Don''t you think it all looks hand-me-down?

• I''m Norman Lear''s hat.

• I''m batshit crazy spendthrift Frances Lear in a DVF wrap dress, watching uncomfortably from the wings while soon-to-be ex Norman turns stories from our real life together into episodes of Maude, One Day At A Time, and others.

  Frances the Talking Lear

• I''m the catchy theme song. Many young viewers assume that I''m actually sung by the cast members themselves.

• I''ll be the fight that four of them have, which results in a climax of all of them screaming over each other until either the credits roll or a voice of reason (usually a 12 year old kid) puts the kabosh on them.

• I''m Elizabeth in heaven, getting tired of Fred saying he''s coming to me.

• I'm the cotton/poly zip-up-the-front dresses that made Jean Stapleton look at least ten years older than she really was.

  Mar

• I'm Mildred "Boom Boom" Turner, and these are my breasts.

• I'm the old Jewish writer who learned my trade during the pioneering 1950s and wish I was still alive now to write today's sitcoms.

• I am Reverend Fletcher...Felcher...whatever.

• I am the line that I started to say once, had to stop for audience applause and then started again.

• I am the shocking ending of an episode where a Jewish guy gets carbombed in front of the house. There is no closing applause. But the good news is that the dead Jewish guy gets reincarnated instantly on another Lear show as a Puerto Rican (his real heritage) almost instantly- and this time, he owns a goat!

• I am the pre-closing credits sequence with the little blips you can see as the frame slightly moves at the end of an episode each time a different producer credit is shown.

• I'm the tentative but earnest applause which builds and builds when an episode ends in silence after a dramatic cliffhanger or a series finale.

• I'm the medicine cabinet in the Bunkers' bathroom, and I contain Gloria's Midol for her rather unpleasant moods during "that time of the month", and her "birth patrol pills", Edith's HRT pills from her "groinacologist", the Lavoris for when Archie gives CPR to a female impersonator, and the Kaopectate ("on your left if you're sitting down, on your right, if you're standing up").

• [quote] I'm the medicine cabinet in the Bunkers' bathroom, and I contain Gloria's Midol for her rather unpleasant moods during "that time of the month", and her "birth patrol pills", Edith's HRT pills from her "groinacologist", the Lavoris for when Archie gives CPR to a female impersonator, and the Kaopectate ("on your left if you're sitting down, on your right, if you're standing up"). Hilarious! Thanks for that.

• I'm the yucky feeling you get when you look at Bill Macy and picture him performing naked in OH! CALCUTTA!

• I'm the ashes of Mrs. Naugatuck's deceased husband, and through Maude's clumsiness and stupidity, my urn broke and I was scattered all over the rug, and ultimately ended up in a vacuum cleaner bag. An old gag, but admit it: you laughed.

• I'm Eve Arden, relishing the chance to (for once) not be playing a lovable wisecracker and instead getting to play a real cunt!

• I'm Christmas. I consist of lame presents, ugly trees, half-hearted meals and some kind of downer of a storyline.

• I'm the plaid wool jacket worn by the men which indicates I work a blue-collar job.

• I'm the iron, set on the polyester setting and steaming away, just waiting for Penny to come home.

• I'm the opening credits which were filmed with a special blurry lens.

• I'm Ann Romano's houseplant, smashed to the floor in a hissy fit by Glenn Scarpelli. Vengeance is mine, and Bonnie Franklin shall repay.

• I am the ceramic elephant on Edith Bunker's end table.

• I'm the sickening "SPLAT!" when Donnie Hathaway flings himself from an Essex House window onto the pavement of Central Park South dozens of floors below.

• I'm Lamont's bulge

  and%20I%20can%27t%20breathe%20in%20these%20tight%20polyester%20pants%21

• I am a simple tape recorder. I will foil the most elaborate schemes of Penny's mother.

• I'm the insult "jive turkey". The insult "honkey" and I have lived together in a long term relationship, in a remodeled three bdrm colonial for many years and have adopted the insult "sucka". We run a catering business together.

  Jive%20turkey.

• I'm Willona Woods. I live in Cabrini-Green, one of the sketchiest public-housing complexes in the United States, yet I have a great job at an upscale boutique and a wardrobe that would put Diana Ross in [italic]Mahogany[/italic] to shame.

• I'm the half-eaten Swanson TV-dinner, threatening to re-appear during the closeups of reptilian J.J. Evans sucking face with yet another out-of-his-league hottie.

  Anonymous

• I'm the white character making the occasional appearance on "Good Times" or "Sanford & Son", which means I'm either dorky, clueless, insensitive, or all of the above.

  Anonymous

• "I am a simple tape recorder. I will foil the most elaborate schemes of Penny's mother." And I'm the "Got it ALL on tape!!" comment shouted by an audience member after you've made your presence known.

• I'm the helicopter swooping over the 59th street bridge, signifying that All In The Family is dead and only Archie Bunkers Place remains.

• I'm Michael Stivic's right forefinger, exhausted from being repeatedly jabbed in a downward motion during an argument about affirmative action.

• I am black Jesus. Why shouldn't I be black? It is the 70's.

• I'm the dog that George Jefferson was looking after and when he threw my ball over the balcony and I leapt over the rail to catch it. Wild applause and laughter somehow met my really rather gruesome death

• [quote] we're the colors brown, beige and orange. Get back to the Bob Newhart Show where you belong.

  http://www.google.com/search%3Fq%3Dbob+newhart+show%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsafari%26source%3Dlnms%26tbm%3Disch%26sa%3DX%26ei%3DyDwtUZTjKMiy0AH114B4%26ved%3D0CAgQ_AUoAQ%26biw%3D320%26bih%3D416%23i%3D46

• Bob Newhart was the apex of the brown-beige-orange television epoch.

  http://www.eventsmaster.net/file/pic/event/2012/06/37de2584ef7af993b98c070c39a999df.jpg

• I am mad that I used to have top billing but was forced to relinquish it when that no necked woman wanted back in...

  Willona's tennis racket.

• I am the Chuck Cunningham of Good Times.

  Carl the atheist.

• I am Ned the wino of Cabrini Greens. I was the source of many a joke about my alcoholism. However, I live a double life when I am not drunk! I sometimes appear as a black lawyer or other professional to Fred Sanford.

• I am the ever-present dead tree outside the Bunker's stairwell window which signifies how bleak their impoverished existence really is.

• I'm the audience member who starts tittering when JJ yells, "Mama, I've been shot!!!" but then stop when I realize it was supposed to be a dramatic moment.

• Im the person born after 1980 who has NO idea what anything in this thread means.

• I'm Fred's gf Donna. I'm also the mother of a nasty gang member in Chicago who shoots JJ. But sometimes, I wear an Aunt Jemima turban and wander around Virginia befriending poor white folk with big families.

• R186 apparently has never watched a minute of TV Land in the past ten years.

• I'm the copper lobster-shaped jello mold hanging in the Bunker's kitchen that looks a lot like a penis.

• I'm the brunette wig that Gloria bought at Crestler's. Meathead wanted me to wear it while we had sex so he could feel like he was with a different girl without cheating on his wife....."What a sicko!"

• I'm Edith's slipper. I am sitting innocently under the bed for Archie to break down over and deliver a speech that reveals Edith's death and leaves us all bawling.

• I'm God and Maude is right. I am gonna get all of you for this

• I am what was taken off of Magic Mike's pecker.

  population control police.

• God at r192? Black Jesus here, don't worry, I got this. I do have some questions for you though..

• I am the New Pink Tiger, home base of drag headliner Beverly LaSalle.

• I'm Gloria's hippie girlfriends who sang "If Communism comes a-knockin' at your door.. don't answer it!"

• I'm the READERS' DIGEST. Edith quoted me like I was the holy writ.

• I am Irene Lorenzo's sister, the Sister, who apparently only wears her habit when it's time for the audience to get a laugh.

• I am what Willis was talkin' about.

• I'm Cousin Liz's tea service.

• Nope, I've been busy fucking & texting.

  R186

• I am the little kid that has no relationship to George Jefferson (or Fred Sanford) but will be foisted on them for the weekend. Our relationship will be adversarial at first but by Sunday we will be sharing an ice cream soda and laughing like old friends despite our age/socio economic differences.

• I'm the CB radio Schneider uses to track Julie down after she runs away with boyfriend Chuck.

• r201 texting? Oh to be young and edgy like you! How cool of you! Wait till texting is obsolete and you sound dated even though you aren't trying, like we are. Why are you even here? Move it along, toots..

• R204, Don't be bitter you fossil.

  R186

• I'm necrophilia. How the hell did i get missed out? He included every other freakin taboo

• I'm Gloria Bunker's silly curly 'do.

• Oh r203, nice to meet you! I am the cb that MIchael uses to meet a wheelchair bound girl with the handle "fun girl". We should get together!

• R204 on any given night:

  http://crabbyoldfart.wordpress.com/about/crabby-old-fart/

  R186

• I'm the swinging butler door!

• I am Glenn Scarpelli's first wet dream.

  Pat Harrington

• I am the mysterious "trip" of the 70's. I am not a drug trip. I am a trip taken by an actor to a faraway land that results in either death or remarriage. Either way, after taking me, a character is never seen again.

• I am Ann Romano's unused bra.

  Maidenform.

• I'm David Kane, holding a scared Ann Romano.

  Anonymous

• Oh, the dirty and torn underwear I've seen...not to mention the hairy seventies bushes...

  the hidden mirror at Wilona's short lived dept store job

• I'm the pregnancy test in Maude's wastebasket in the bathroom. I'm covered in piss.

• I'm a wig that was set with rollers.

• I am a white rag tied around someone's head to indicate a toothache.

• I'm the "Good Times" audience, talking back to the actors as they are filming a scene.

• I'm the false but inevitable adultery accusation that is made when J.J. paints a married woman in the nude.

  But it's for her husband!

• I'm Lola Falana, I'm the biggest star in the universe, apparently.

• I'm the member of the studio audience who is coughing. I'm so sorry.

• I'm the slamming door.

• I'm Stretch Cunningham. My jokes are about as funny as strep throat, but Archie always laughs at them.

• I'm the front door to Ann Romano's apartment, and she really should have changed my locks when she moved in. Not too smart that she lives here with her two teenage daughters, and a preverted creep like Schneider has a pass key.

• I'm Lena Horne and I call r221 on her claim.

  Fred%27s%20dream%20girl

• I'm Mackenzie Phillips, tasting her first freebase (and fathers weiner) but vowing "it's just this one time"

• I'm Mother Jefferson's bloody mary.

• I'm Sybil Ghooly, the cheker down at "Foy-guson's Market". I was frequently mentioned, but didn't actually appear on-camera 'til around the fifth season, and when I finally did, I was just as obnoxious as Archie always described me as being.

• I am the poor baby girl Julie Cooper left behind.

  Crack baby.

• I'm the moral point driven home with a sledge hammer. The audience loudly applauds and goes, "Whoo! Whoo!"

  This%20makes%20me%20cutting%20edge

• I'm the four lead characters, inevitably getting into a big fight where we all scream incoherently over one another.

  Until%20Adrienne%20Barbeau%20pops%20in%20

• I'm Lady Godiva, a freedom rider

  I%20don%27t%20care%20if%20the%20whole%20world%20looks

• I'm the sound of the toilet flushing.

• I'm Michael Stivic's bad wig. I'm Gloria Stivic's clerk in a department store work clothes: mini-dresses and shiny three inch platform shoes that are more suitable for a hooker.