Let's Pretend We're Melrose Place

I'm the promotional ad campaign of Heather Locklear's face captioned "Mondays are a Bitch"

I'm Henry.

*looks into mirror at Kimberly*

I'm the pole Sydney slid down.

I'm Andrew Shue's slack jaw.

I'm the look on Alison's face when she finds out Amanda bought Melrose and is moving in.

I'm not a top

I'm the 'portal to Hell' pool

I'm the conference room at the ad agency. I'm used for sex, relationship troubles and board meetings.

I'm Jake "Hey Kelly, how about burgers at Shooters, since I can't afford to take you to dinner in Beverly Hills" Hanson.

I'm Jane's wedding dress tossed into the pool.

I'm Taylor McBride's blowjob lips, wondering who they can blow to save Kyle's restaurant from going under.

I'm the special guest star.

I'm Matt Fielding's non-existent sex life.

I'm Brooke "YOU'RE MY HUSBAND BILLY - FOR LIFE - FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!" Armstrong.

I am teenaged me, frustrated at the lack of shirtlessness from Dan Cortese and Rob Estes.

I'm Alison's bottle of scotch, empty again.

I'm Amanda, with a skirt cut up to there, and my hair looking like someone just did me in he backseat of a limo, but I demand respect from everyone at D and D.

Im Rhonda- the only person of color these asholes knew in LA and was quickly written off the show when it became a campfest.

I'm Jane confronting Kimberly about her affair with Michael.

I think you are DISGUSTING!

I'm Jo's kidnapped baby suckling on Kimberly's nipple.

im the swimming pool with all the hot cum and vag secretions in it. and dont forget the hot piss and occasionl turd in the filter unless its creamy diarrhea.

I'm the agency's biggest account. I'm usually in jeopardy because of Allison's incompetence.

I'm the Spanish architecture of the apartment complex. I don't know the name of it.

I'm that infamous line, "I'm gonna do you the way you did me--and when I'm done with you all you'll be left with is that proverbial wish: That you'd never been born."

I'm Daphne Zuniga's cavernous nostrils.

I'm the MP.

I'm Andrew Shue's eternally open mouth.

I'm Amanda's mother. The one who abandoned her. Not the one who ran the modeling agency.

I'm the mini table lamps that appear in EVERY restaurant scene throughout the series

I'm Alison's horse faced sister and sexually repressed victim of childhood abuse by their daddy - Meredith "I'm naked under this towel, Billy... do you want to join me?" Parker.

I'm Rhonda: The mini series. After Amanda shows up and the show shifts gears, I never interact with anyone ever again.

I'm Sandy.

I'm Sandy's intermittent southern accent

R21 - Don't forget Brian Bloom's body hair

I'm the bombs Kimberly planted in the laundry room.

I'm Matt digging through the dumpster looking for Billy's used condoms. It's as close to gargling on his jizz as I'll ever get.

I'm a casual soap fan, confused that Days of our Lives has moved to prime time since so many actors show up at MP.

I'm Kimberly's wig.

I'm Jasmin Guy. For the record, nothing happened in front of my house.

I'm Amanda's father, the co-signer of Melrose Place.

I'm Jane Mancini Designs.

R16 - Alison was a vodka drinker.

I'm Kelly Taylor from 90210 slumming it with Jake on Melrose Avenue. Class tourism is so much fun.

I'm Alison's roommate. The one who is never seen, but leaves Alison in the lurch, so she has to find a new roommate.

I'm the edge of the pool Brooke hit her head on before she drowned in the pool.

I'm Jack Wagner's bangs.

I'm Hayley's forbidden room, which Alison can't help but open.

I'm Julie Newmar as herself.

I'm the line:

"I don't know what you used to pull this off you dishonest, self-serving, pathetic drunk, but when I find out I'm going to turn it around and cut you open like a rotten piece of fruit!"

R49 - Amanda to Alison?

Yep!

I'm Daphne Zuniga's monotone acting. Am I a bad actress or am I successfully conveying a jaded edgy displaced New Yorker.

I'm the vase that Lauren's goon smashed when Sydney didn't have all of her $15,000!

I'm the campy disaster the show turned into after perfectly nice season one.

I'm the cell phone Alicia was on before her car was hit by a truck.

I'm Billy's meteoric career rise from cab driver to President of the United States in only 5 short years.

I'm Katya, the Russian woman with a young daughter, who Matt the homosexual marries so we can stay in the United States. However, I soon get bored with a sexless marriage and return to the motherland.

I'm the drink Sydney threw in Lauren's face after the Madam of a prostitution empire said "I don't deal in tramps!" - come again, bitch?

I'm Jane's hair as it slowly grows out from Season 1 to middle of Season 4.

I'm the endlessly repeated riff from the intro music.

I'm the wailing guitar as somebody is getting brutally raped and then decides they are enjoying it.

R59 - I hated Jane's hair super short.

I'm paralyzed Jane's face at the beach house when her evil ex-husband Michael climbs in bed with her and says "You don't need to let paraplegia get in the way of an active sex life!"

Michael was such a sex maniac, I'm surprised he never mercy fucked Matt. Remember when Matt changed blood sugar results? He should have demanded sex from Michael in exchange for his silence. I'm the expectant glance from Matt to Michael, who begs me to change the results.

I'm from New York.

R64 - "Remember when Matt changed blood sugar results?" Whose results and why?

It's criminal that Thomas Calabro didn't have more success following the show's ending.

Michael had killed Kimberly in a terrible car crash. He'd been drinking. Matt, being his best friend and on staff at Wiltshire Memorial had the power to change blood level results (or whatever the fuck the medical term is) and he did so as a favor to Michael , in exchange for a promotion if I recall? It was soon revealed that Kimberly's mother who had shipped her dying daughter back to Ohio had faked her death and Kim returned with vengeance on her mind and a huge fucking scar on her skull. By the way, because Kimberly was from Ohio, she despised Matt for being gay and bullied him relentlessly. That was an interesting touch.

I'm Kimberly's mad fucking mother.

Michael Mancini was the JR Ewing of the 90s. I hate how he never gets any credit. He was just as memorable in my eyes.

R68 - yes. Blood alcohol levels. The previous poster confused me by saying blood sugar.

I am GODDAMNED Vanessa Mother Fucking A Williams not L Williams.

I'm Allison's blindness.

I'm David Charvet's chest hair.

I'm Ryan Fennelly! Hi Grant!

Let's not, and say we did.

I'm the bits and pieces of a blown up Melrose Place at the end of season 3.

[quote]It's criminal that Thomas Calabro didn't have more success following the show's ending.

Thomas Calabro and Marcia Cross both pulled off the trick of squeezing all the juice out of their ridiculous parts while somehow indicating they knew how silly it all was -- all without winking at the audience. I think they may have been the best actors on the show.

I'm homely Susan Madsen. The fact that I could land Billy shows how unrealistic this show was.

I'm the jump the shark moment when Kimberly blows up the building. It's all downhill from here.

I'm Jane's longer hair.

I'm the line:

"No, you look! I don't give a damn how sick you are. Michael is off limits to for anything other than professional purposes. Now, I am sorry that you don't have a friend in the world, but if you need your hand held, I suggest you dial: 1-800-GET-YOUR-OWN-MAN."

I'm watching Melrose Place now and season 2 is so good. They should have followed the same formula with the re-boot. Start out season with nice tenants, young and hopeful, and then slowly see them unwind and make poor and sometimes outrageous choices. And, then make it as campy as possible.

The second half of season 2 and the first half of season 3 are Melrose at it's best.

I'm Alison's bra.

R83 yes! Basically the whole calendar year of 1994

We're the Bulawayo Highlanders, led to victory by our white brother Andrew Shue

I'm the line:

"The only mistake I ever made was trusting you, you conniving bleach blonde piece of dirt!"

I'm Jane's pubic hair.

I'm the line

"When they were handing out business sense, Jane was at the back of the line getting her nails done."

I'm Amanda's panic attack outside of Lindy Toys when the account goes under.

I'm the basement in Alison' parents house.

When Alison asks if anybody is in the office, I'm the line: "Nobody, you blind bitch!"

I'm Betsy.

I'm Rita.

I'm the brick that Jane throws through Jake's window during her psycho phase (he was fucking Alison of all people at the time).

I'm Steve Sanders from Bev Hills 90210 who tried without success to hook up with that hot blond waitress Sandy after ex love Kelly started dating Sandy ' s ex and Dylan's best friend Jake.

I think it's funny when I call Jake Joke

Get it?

I'm Brooke's dead body floating in the pool.

r96 - go on your little double date - HOW SWEET! Two pea brains and a couple of sluts!!!!

R97, I'm not drunk...I'm just doing my best Alison impression.

Courtney plays drunk very well.

Amanda Woodward was a repressed closeted lesbian. I'm calling it now. Alison was her punching bag for very obvious reasons.

I'm the woman who died in the apartment explosion.

Whatever happened to the colored girl?

I'm the dialogue coach not earning my paycheck:

Jane Mancini Deeesigns

I employ twenty of the most seductive women in Los Angeles. And they cost and make a fortchoon

The slo-mo black and white sequence found before every commercial in season 3.

I've that fucking awful song in the last scene.

R104 - I hated that.

I'm John Haymes Newton, brought towards the end of the show as an ersatz Jake. I'm hot as hell but I can't project a human emotion for shit.

I'm the Jazz club, "The Upstairs".

I'm the barstool that Traci Lords smashes against the mirror in Shooters.

I'm Ted, the creepy handyman who jerks off while looking through peepholes.

I'm the plane Kimberly was going to originally use to crash into the MP court yard at the end of season 3 but writers decided to have her blow it up.

I'm Lisa Loeb's "Stay" that played at the beginning of an episode.

What's amazing is that Kimberly was originally going to do a 9/11 on Melrose Place as r111 states, but they ended up having her blow up the place.... coinciding with the Oklahoma Bombing. It has often been said that great geniuses have the ability to forsee future events and with the character of Kimberly, the writer Darren Star manifested the Valkyrie of Doom that would turn western civilization on its head. After all, Melrose Place as a space was the microcosm of the United States.

I'm the "Oh, Baby I Love Your Way" song that played at the beginning of the season 2 finale.

I'm Letters to Cleo. Melrose Place tried to make us happen by playing our video at the end of season 3 episodes. You can now find us at the checkout stands at Trader Joe's.

I'm John Enos' huge suckable nips.

I'm Vic from North Hollywood.

I'm the cutaway when Matt leaned in to kiss Billy's best man and friend on the season finale of season 2.

Reunion.

Alison drunk again

I am Dr. Michael Mancini's cock.

[R121] mmmmmmmmmmmm

I'm the line:

"I have a meeting."

The line: "It was a hate crime, Matt. I hate you."

I'm Amanda's Hodgkins.

I'm the line

"You bitch!"

The shows mist popular line of dialogue

I'm the line:

"Midwestern nitwit".

I'm the song that was playing in the club when Sydney came back to Lauren (Kristian Alfonso) to ask for her old job back (high class prostitute). When Lauren refused, Sydney threw a drink in her face!

I'm the "alternative" cover album "If I Were a Carpenter," a poster of which hung in Sydney's apartment.

I'm the jeans and tie look Billy wore to D&D during the early seasons.

I'm also Matt's hair flip.

I'm Kristian Alfonso as a Hollywood pimp, intimidating little Syd

I'm Michael's alcohol level when he killed Kimberly.

im the dried cum stain from billys hot date leftover on the leather couch

i'm Loni Anderson.

I'm Steven Spielberg and I'm honored to be seated next to Daphne Zuniga, the most powerful woman in Hollywood.

I'm Ingrid, still combing Stanley "Cowboy" Levin's mustache hairs out of my bush.

R116 stole mine. Holy fuck was he hot.

I'm Rikki Abbott, helping my husband throwi Sydney into a hole.

I'm Alison's vision of being molested by her father.

I'm the priest Sidney confessed she was a prostitute to.

I'm the opening credits featuring the cast walking down the sidewalk, chorus line style, chatting, laughing and arms thrown around each other. I will inspire others to do likewise and infuriate legions of pedestrians who will have to walk around them.

I'm Amy Locane "Boozebag" Bovanizer.

I'm Priscilla Presley! And I'm about to assist with lobotomizing Peter.

I'm the brutal beating and rape Jo endures after finding Reed Carter's drug stash on the boat!

I'm Grant Show, REBELLIOUSLY parking my motorcycle by a sign that says "3-Minute Loading Zone" in the opening credits while I unsnap my manly leather jacket!

Then I grin at the camera -- to let you know I'm a BAD BOY with a HEART OF GOLD!

I'm the father of Jo's baby.

I'm the car that ran over Sidney on her wedding day.

I am Alison at an aa meeting in hong kong after Brooke got her father to send her there ... I am Allison turning up the stereo drunk , when Michael was trying to get everyone out of there .. I am heather locklear, Marcia cross , and Doug savant , the only actors who had a career after Melrose ended..the others were lucky if they got guest spot on law and order svu

I am Richard heart, I started out nice one season and turned onto a horrible rapist the next

I'm the phone call that Kimberly made to the Carters telling them that their grandson was very much alive and in Jo's keeping. Frankly.... she felt it was her civic duty!

I'm Alison getting blown up in her apartment, not that Kimberly had anything against a reformed alcoholic but simply because she happened to live next door to MATT!

I'm Jo's dark hair, teeming breasts and luscious womanly curves in an era where being being skin and bones and bleach blonde was fashionable.

I'm Alison's weird speech impediment.

I'm Billy's lisp.

I'm Season 1's appalling hairstyles and fashions

I'm the insert shot of Jo and Jane put into the chorus line walk down the street part of the opening credits after Sandy left.

I'm the green window panes throughout the complex.

I'm the line, "Sydney, you're looking at human garbage. When Michael's dead, God's going to do a jig!"

I'm the pool guy. And this is my skimmer!

I'm the pool water splashing all around when Jane and Sidney fight in the pool over the wedding dress.

I'm:

Executive Producer

Darren Star

I'm Sydney's Ann-Marget phase in Season 4.

I'm the line:

"Shhh...don't cry. Don't cry."

I'm Taylor McBride's epic side eye and dismissal

IMDB review

one of the most absorbing and provocative shows on television Author: Special-K88 26 January 2004

[quote]On the surface it's just a simple soap opera. The intertwining lives of a group of young adults living in an LA apartment complex; but underneath it all is a careful analysis of human nature. An in-depth, often shocking look at what brings out the best and worst in all of us. When it first began it was pleasant and cheerful fluff, but soon took a dramatic turn. People were driven by lies, anger, revenge, deceit, betrayal, even murder. Everyone at some point was driven over the edge of morality and consumed by their own selfish desires. Michael Mancini, willing to do anything to become chief of staff at the hospital; Peter Burns, in such great pursuit of his one true love Amanda Woodward he's willing to have her kidnapped; Kimberly Shaw, in a state of such rage, confusion, and anguish she plots to destroy her tormentors. A show that puts its characters into such complex and bizarre situations of bitterness and self-loathing, yet cleverly presents them as subtleties in more familiar subplots such as true love, fairy tale romance, sex, friendship, even American tragedy, as in the case of troubled youth Sydney Andrews finally meeting the man of her dreams in Craig Field, then being killed just minutes after their wedding, in turn leading to his own self-destruction and eventual suicide. What makes Melrose Place so arresting is just how human its characters really are. They make mistakes and learn to live with them. They're constantly scheming for their own hatred or greed, but often realize the error of their ways. Once they look carefully at themselves, their own spite or jealousy, in that last minute they seek redemption. They seek to right the wrong. Every character in Melrose Place has something to hide, or has done something they're not proud of. One apartment complex sparked by a twisted rationality, a rationality created by the idiosyncrasies of its colorful characters. It might be fair to say that there's not a single decent human being living in Melrose Place. You can't walk through the courtyard without running into someone you've slept with! Yet we care about these characters and when we try to view things from their perspective their actions, no matter how vile and wicked they may be, actually seem justified. They're the products of each character suffering their own demons. Perhaps deep down inside we know the truth: that these characters represent the different elements of our very own intricate human nature. They're the people we pretend to be, and sometimes the people who we really are. It's a show I'll never forget...a show about our own true nature.

I am Kirstie Alley's sloppy seconds. The Powers That Be tried to make me happen in the 90's: Route 66, Melrose Place, Models Inc. I even slept with Kirstie Alley to get a part on Veronicas Closet. One memorable moment was when I played Jeff Gilooly in a tv movie. Mostly I just stunk up the place and faded away. Funny how I always ended up in the same tv shows as fellow 90's trying-to-make-happen actor, Dan Cortese.

I'm Keith.

I'm Bruce.

Excuse me R148?

Ally McBeal (1997-2000) According to Jim (2001-2009) Two and a Half Men (2010-present)

I am the "wait , wait, it is not what it looks like , " slight pause , " it is worse "

I'm the "salty" in Chef Susan Madsen's food when Allison drunkenly tells her that her food is too salty, only because she's jealous that Susan is dating Billy.

Susan later returns to The Heights so Jamie Walters can sing to her again while she plays the sax.

Afterthought - I liked Here and Now by Letters to Cleo.

I'm Billy's word processor. Obsolete now, just like pretty much everyone in the cast.

I'm the "Oh, really? Wow." when people found out that Andrew Shue was the brother of the Karate Kid's girlfriend.

R162 - That was a great look.

What happened to the boss/mentor that Alison had in season 1?

I'm Marcia's last facial expression.

I'm Alison's kitchenware concierto

"You asked me to hold these for you until you found a place to live and since that took only, thirty seconds, I figured I'd help you move."

God I loved this piece of shit show.

R177 I know right, it's like you know it's just sleazy trash abd yet you can't stop watching!

I even liked the dreaded last 2 seasons . There I said it!

You know if Melrose Place had been a silent film in the 1920s from Germany, the high art peeps would be calling it a masterpiece. Because it was a TV show on Fox, it's called trash.

R179 because it was considered a soap opera it gets called trash

Same thing happened to my legendary show!

No Emmys and no respect!

Did you notice that Marcia Cross never actually wore a wig. That was her real hair.

God I wanted Andrew Shue so fucking bad. He was like my first celebrity crush.

How did Elisabeth turn out to be so good and Andrew so bsd?

I'm the overused stock footage establishing shot a blonde woman in leggings and sports bra walking her German Shepherd outside the complex one morning.

Or every morning, seemingly.

I'm the actor originally cast as Billy who put on a few pounds and was quickly dismissed.

This blogger I follow visited a fuck ton of filming locations from the show. Turns out my aunt used to lived on the same street as Alison's childhood house and I never knew it!

I'm Matt's International Male catalogs, kept in a neat stack in his nightstand.

I'm Dr. Levin aka Dr. Cowboy

I'm Vanessa. According to the last page of the pilot script, I was supposed to be in the original cast, showcased in an episode a la Luke Perry. African-American, from a wealthy family but trying to make it on my own in LA.

I'm Marcia Cross' Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama series Emmy that she SHOULD HAVE won at least once for her amaxing, multi dimensional portrayal of Dr. Kimberly Shaw but because MP was considered a trashy soap opera, she never even got a nomination!

I’m Michael’s sausage fingers.

I'm Kyle's. I'm, apparently, the only restaurant in LA because everybody eats there every night in spite of endless drama and confrontations that take place there.

I'm the "LA Complex," a short-lived Melrose Place knockoff that had more diversity, including a closeted rapper who is secretly dating a Don Lemon mini-me.

I'm Dr Kimberly Shaw's eyes - her eyes are so wide-set she can look at each ear as she puts on her earrings

In some shots, actress Marcia Cross looks like a deer...

Sandy's on again/off again southern accent. I'll be gone soon. Just like Amy Locane.

I am Patrick Muldoon, and I make Andrew Shue look like Sir Laurence Olivier.

i’m matt and rhonda, forced to dance for the cameras at the season one pool party, without one bit of rhythm.

I forgot Patrick Muldoon. Hot, and yes, not a great actor. But, it didn't matter for the show.

I'm Clayton Hollingsworth in a very different role.

I’m Michael Mancini’s nipple hair. Man, I loved his body on the original show. He was way too skinny on the reboot.

I'm Dr Peter Burns suspenders

I'm Josie Bissett's awkward growing-out-my-hair do

I’m RIchard Heart’s hand rising from the shallow grave that Jane and Sydney buried me in. I’m not really dead, and come next season there will be HELL to pay.

I'm Rhonda's send-off episode. I never happen.

I'm Matt's non threatening gay shenanigans.

I'm Alison and Billy's overbearing wedding planner with ENORMOUS gums.