Must be read to be believed.
"I have an old Etonian friend who will make his excuses and leave a dinner party early with his wife if the small talk turns to either of two subjects: London property prices or the problems of ‘‘finding staff’ in the country. They are, he claims the ‘‘lowest forms’’ of conversation."
Endlessly name dropping Kate 'Doors to Manual' Middleton:
"For my part I was surprised to see the Cambridges - their second child is due later this month - used The Lady. Whilst the venerable women’s weekly, founded in 1885, has long been regarded as the blue stocking bible of upper class household recruitment, the reality is that placing an ad there is fraught with hazards, as my wife, the society milliner Laura Cathcart and I know after placing a series of similar ‘‘Housekeeper wanted’’ box ads in the last year or so. Indeed, the email blitz of CVs from around the world - we received hundreds of applicants per ad - is exhausting, exasperating and hardest possible way to find that perfect housekeeper."
Oh, the ghastly Eurotrash he was forced to endure:
"We needed a new housekeeper to replace a friendly but hopelessly chaotic young East European couple that we’d recruited (for part time duties) via my sister who had engaged them for cleaning work after she found them selling the Big Issue outside a Tesco’s in Chelsea. We were scrupulous about ensuring they had the correct legal paperwork, paid National Insurance and were self-employed etc. But, with their second child on the way, they decided they were better off moving to Birmingham and claiming benefits.
They had been wholly unsuited to the ‘‘front of Hall’’ role at Upton Cressett - which involved some darkly comical house tours when I wasn’t there - making Manuel in Fawlty Towers suddenly seem as polished Michael Fawcett, the former butler/valet at who reportedly used to even squeeze the toothpaste for HRH Prince of Wales. Their main problem was that despite often good intentions, they had no idea of the value of anything; or how to look after anything, especially clothes."
Oh, the horreur!
"I noted that the Cambridges' ad specifically stated that the role requires ‘‘the caring for’’ the owners’ garments. After I specified that a Redwood & Feller navy wool suit should be sent to the dry cleaner, I later saw to my horror the trousers and jacket hanging on the line to dry. They’d been put in the washing machine and were ruined. In her defence, our housekeeper told me she’d never heard of ‘dry cleaning’."
How dare the help work to their stated hours!
"Within three months, she announced she was taking off a a month for a back operation. She also turned out to be a clock watcher. After we gave her our winter schedule of weekend dinner entertaining, she said she couldn’t cope. She wanted us to hire more help. The other problem is that if you hire people who are not local, especially if they have their own family miles away, they quickly get bored with being stuck in the country however idyllic the cottage you provide."
Let's name drop some more:
"I am reminded of the advice of Wendy, Countess of Caledon, who was the first wife of the Earl of Caledon and chatelaine of his stately home in Northern Ireland. 'We hired several British couples and shipped them over from England. But they never lasted. I remember one good cook and housekeeper who was a hardworker. But her husband - who was meant to clean the silver and do thedriving was just plain lazy."