Not Living Life to the Fullest

I have agoraphobia and social anxiety. I let them control my life for years but finally got a handle on them. They're not gone completely but I can control the feelings.

However I have taught myself to be engaging and not shy away from people one on one. But I still hate crowds and avoid them.

One thing I have noticed since my late teens is people immediately don't like me when they meet me for the first time--I can usually see it in their faces. Because of that it takes people longer to warm up to me than they would others. I have to work harder to gain their confidence which sometimes never comes.

I think that coupled with my emotional issues has held me back from living my life to the fullest.

R1, sorry for your troubles. Seems like you are doing a good job of accepting yourself, though.

nobody lives life to the "fullest". People exaggerate and romanticize their lives, but most just sit around and smoke pot or get fucked for fun. Very very few live that Hemmingway lifestyle.

I have social fears as well and as a child was painfully shy around folks I did not know. Once I got to know someone I was fine but that initial breaking of the ice was hard.

It has carried into my adult life and I have forced myself to become more social and more outgoing. However, most of the time I feel like a fake.

This does not come naturally to me to try new things, to venture to places I do not know and people I do not know. But when I try to do something new for me, even just one time per year I always feel a sense of accomplishment.

Last year I went by myself to Washington DC and did all the museums, stayed at a beautiful hotel, took the metro, walked around at looked at the cherry blossoms. I had a great time and often look back at the photos I took.

Over the years I have tried Savannah, LA, Quebec, Miami, London, some part of the Amish country in PA etc. Even though I only go once a year, I feel like I am making progress.

It helps me in my job in that I feel like I can relate to others, am more self confident.

I am currently taking a watercolor class in my spare time with four other men. It is relaxing and fun.

I was thinking about this recently. Life should be full of joy, not trying to make time pass.

I spend so much time in front of the TV--what a complete waste of time

R5, I feel the same way, yet it amazes me how much of my life has just been me just listening to music or watching tv. I'd say that is the bulk of what I did outside of classes during college.

People will deny this, but there is prejudice against being gay in ALL walks of life (maybe not if you work exclusively in an all gay hair salon or decorator studio!) But if you are in an average type job, people will begin to suspect and whisper about you, even if you are the absolute butchest guy in town. I have seen this over and over. You may not be treated poorly by your work peers, but management will screw you over in subtle and not so subtle ways. Not buying the surveys about how people think gays are wonderful--you can skew any data/research for whatever outcome you want.

THIS is a big reason OP and many gays are shy or backward in some aspects and fear putting themselves out there. They know others are against them because of what they are.

Don't let the straights win. DO and BE your best and get out in the world and work/do what YOU want. You are just as good as and frequently better and smarter than straights who judge you. Live your life your way and be bold and successful.

[quote]One thing I have noticed since my late teens is people immediately don't like me when they meet me for the first time--I can usually see it in their faces. Because of that it takes people longer to warm up to me than they would others. I have to work harder to gain their confidence which sometimes never comes.

I have this, too,, R1. I try to tell myself that it's all in my head and that I'm projecting my own feelings about myself onto other people. Is there an actual pyscho-medical term for this?

R1, r8, it sounds like you possibly are sensitive to microexpresssioms.

Wiki definition: A microexpression is a brief, involuntary facial expression shown on the face of humans according to emotions experienced. They usually occur in high-stakes situations, where people have something to lose or gain. Microexpressions occur when a person is consciously trying to conceal all signs of how he or she is feeling, or when a person does not consciously know how he or she is feeling.[1][2] Unlike regular facial expressions, it is difficult/impossible to hide microexpression reactions. Because we can't control microexpressions as it happens in a fraction of a second, but it's possible to capture someone's expressions with a [3]high speed camera and replay them at much slower speeds. Microexpressions express the six universal emotions: disgust, anger, fear, sadness, happiness, and surprise. Nevertheless, in the 1990s, Paul Ekman expanded his list of emotions, including a range of positive and negative emotions not all of which are encoded in facial muscles. These emotions are amusement, contempt, embarrassment, anxiety, guilt, pride, relief, contentment, pleasure, and shame.[4][5] They are very brief in duration, lasting only 1/25 to 1/15 of a second.[6]

At the link is a test you can take to see how good you are at reading them.

Not living to the fullest and have given up trying. I was always shy and that hasn't changed much. I don't have much confidence and even if I did meet people I always feel inferior. I found that challenging myself and trying to meet people just always ended badly and I usually had a stressful time doing it. In my late 40's now and I don't go out much and am just waiting for time to go by.

FOMO- the fear of missing out. R3 has it. Social media exacerbates the problem as people are constantly communicating where they're at and what they're doing in the best possible light. A lot of it is noise OP. Some people need more downtime than others.

People who are living life to the fullest, carpe diem etc will probably not be reading posts on Datalounge in the middle of the day

R11, you're correct, I think. But I do think that the fact that I am shy has made me somewhat boring compared to others and I have had a lot of friends that just faded away. Don't get me wrong, I've had friendship end badly, but more often than not, I think my friends just end up moving on . I'm glad I do have at least a handful of close friends.

Thanks, R9.

How, R14?

Reading DL with a cat on one's lap and a glass of milk on the side table - that IS the definition of living life to the fullest.

I do all sorts of other crap - swim an hour most mornings, volunteer, garden, kayak, cycle, travel - but my happiness meter gets pegged when I'm on Datalounge.

Must go and do other stuff now but I'll be back, and happier when I am.

My younger years were more adventurous and I am having trouble maintaining momentum in middle age. Not unusual, but I really don't want a dull winding down.

r13, so much of that "people-person" stuff is people trying to please others. It reminds me of that bumper sticker (which ought to be on my tombstone):

I only have time to care about one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.

R18, LOL. I wish I had that bumper sticker.

According to American culture you are not living life to the fullest unless you are between the ages of 15 and 24, beautiful, physically fit, 10-20 pounds underweight, and in love and having sex with someone who fits the above categories, with the caveat that you're really missing out if you're not a billionaire or an A-list celebrity.

At 51, I feel pretty satisfied with what I've done so far. Try not to look in the rearview mirror too much.

I've become more adept at living in the moment and not worrying about what else I might be able to be doing with my time.

That includes being lazy when I want to and saying no to things I'd rather not do.

OP --- you should challenge yourself as much as YOU want to and not worry about keeping up with the Jones' or what the neighbors are saying.

If you're a garbage man, you like what you do and who you work with and can pay your bills, then fine, do it.

If YOU want to get a degree, study something, earn more money to buy a car/house, etc .... then go for that ..... but don't compare yourself to others and worry you're not doing good enough.

Challenge yourself for yourself.

I'm in my 50s also and I decided at New Year's time that I was going to stop being a people pleaser. I know that it was because I wanted to feel loved or liked but really it didn't make a difference one way or the other.

So now I do what I want and I say no if I really do not want to do something. I have stopped sending gifts and cards to my family who really don't care anyway and never even say thank you.

Also, living life to the fullest for me is being true to who I am. If I feel like staying in the house all day on the weekend, then oh well. If I feel like going somewhere that may not be trendy or fashionable then, oh well also to those who don't like it.

I like to read a lot. I like quiet time on my days off. I like to take walks alone sometimes. I like to cook and not eat in restaurants. To me, that is living life to the fullest, making yourself happy in your own skin and with the cards you were dealt.

One thing I learned young is, "Don't pay dues." And I never have which, in turn, has allowed me to do a lot.

Very interesting, r9.

Keep in mind someone's microexpression might not be directed toward you, r1 & r8.

For example. I'm shy and have heavy eye lids first thing in the morning. Today, I smiled at a coworker on my way into work and...well she was more,peppy and outgoing than me. It was 7a...I just wanted to smile and nod and look away and get to my desk. But some unintended microexpression occurred, her face fell, and it felt awkward.

I must admit she is a homely lady and lacks style. I wonder if she misinterpreted my desire to look away...I really don't care how she looks. She's a cool person and I like working with her. It was just too early for me to be so perky.

R24, you sound like me in the morning.

I'm in my late-40s and I'm definitely not doing things that actually advance me in the workplace, making friends, or traveling to places I'd like to go. I have close friends and family, but I don't live near any of them. To go visit is a hassle and expensive. I do make the effort about once or twice a year, but they rarely come visit me due to finances. I have some friends here in town, but they're more superficial acquaintances. I see them every now and then but wouldn't call them in a crisis.

At work, I've settled in to where I want to be. I don't want to move up due to all the politics and game playing necessary to do so. Still, I could be doing things to advance my career and get my name out there more, but I'm terribly lazy and unmotivated about doing so. I just see lots of extra work.

I'd like to do more, but my current partner is like my last partner. He has financial problems and never has any money. I don't want to have to pay for everything for him, so we just stay home. I do love him, but I wish he would get his finances in order. However, he was married with kids before he came out and got screwed in the divorce, so I don't see any financial turnaround due to alimony and college tuition for his youngest. At least he finally cut his daughter off. She works full-time but wanted her father to send her money because she doesn't think the money she earns should go toward paying annoying bills like rent, insurance, a car payment, etc. That greedy little bitch is too much.

I was an avid tennis player and very passionate about it, but a back condition has put a stop to that. In fact, the back condition has limited my physical activity, so I've gained weight no doubt to the slower metabolism. I used to be so active. God, when I think about how I was about 3 years ago, I had so much more going on. I just seemed to have settled in to a dull routine and mediocrity.

For me fear has held me back too much. There are things I'd like to do that I feel could get me back to where I was in my early 20s happiness wise, but at 45 I'm afraid to just go for it and try.

R27, I am really similar, only I'm 27 and I wish I could be back to my teen years and done everything afterwards differently.

Learn a lesson from me R28--don't wait until you're 45 and filled with more regrets. Honestly I wish I was 27 again.

OP, as it is today I live life to the fullest of the possibilities I have now, always saving for more.

I could live life truly "to the fullest", but I would be dead in a year or two.

R7, You can save that shit. If you are white, which I'm sure you are you have no business pulling that crap. White people have the world on a string. I am so sick of threads like this and posts like yours. White privilege is real. These dumbass posts prove it. Get over yourselves already.

R31, fuck you. I'm the one who started the thread and I'm not fucking white. What was wrong with R7's post anyway?

"Living life to the fullest" is one of those psychobabble BS mantras that mean nothing: for someone living to the fullest might mean climbing the everest, for others just reading all day long on their couch. It means NOTHING, don't worry about it

I'm totally not living life to its fullest. I just turned 50 and to be honest, the way I'm living life right now can be best described as "Just waiting to die." I leave the house only to go to the store or get a meal out. I work weekdays. Every minute I'm not working, eating, or shopping, I'm at home on the couch or in bed.

And the though of doing anything more than that is exhausting and off-putting.

R34, I'm sorry for your struggle. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

[quote]the way I'm living life right now can be best described as "Just waiting to die."

Me too R34. Like R35 asked are your partnered up or single?

I don't know if it's because I'm single and friendless, but the desire to experience life is gone. I think it may be depression more than anything.

R34, I'm in the same boat, but I have a few years on you and I am literally waiting to die. Last February I was diagnosed with a life threatening disease. Doctors only expected me to last a few months. 13 months later my condition has stablized, but I just want to go. I feel like crap all of the time. I have no energy. My life is surfing the web, watching TV and sleeping.

I wish I could get somebody to come over and smack me good and tell me to "Snap out of it."

[quote]Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

If I had one, I wouldn't be holed up in my home full time.

I haven't had a date in many years, and no sex in a couple of years (and the last sexual encounter I had was very brief and unfulfilling with no orgasm involved... a quick little hookup that quickly went nowhere and we both walked away).

I have several close friends but they all moved away, so I only interact with them via email or Facebook or text. I see them once a year at most. Mostly, they're all coupled and have real lives anyway, so there's not a lot of room for me there even if we were physically closer.

Honestly, I have absolutely no energy for anything more than this. An acquaintance/bar-friend invited me to travel to the UK this summer with him (I've never been to Europe at all) and the very thought of it is so exhausting that I've turned him down.

I had a pretty great life in my 30s (after shitty teens and off-and-on shittiness for half my 20s). But now it just seems like all the last ships have sailed, and I'm still here on the dock just waiting by myself until somehow, somewhen, it just is over.

R3 is right. I'm lying on the couch, watching PBS, no plans for tonight, and its great. Leisure and lazy time that doesn't get posted on Facebook or tweeted is highly underrated.

I'm keeping my head down and hoping to get to the end without too much hardship or pain. I also have aging parents who are doing well right now but I can see what's ahead and I hope that I have it in me to rise to the occasion if called (meaning help take care of them if I am called upon). I lived my life to the fullest that I could given what I was given.

I think part of living life to the fullest is... to stop worrying about it. Seriously.

Like yeah, if you're miserable and in an unbearable situation, you should try to improve things and make your life better, but if things are just "okay" - honestly, learn to be happy with that. Not because you should settle and lose all ambition, but because happiness is an attitude, and for many people it's really something they have to "learn", and you might as well start today.

There are several psychological studies showing that after people achieve certain goals they think will make them happier (a promotion, a vacation), shortly thereafter they start worrying and getting anxious about making things even better and don't get any enjoyment out of them after all - they'll move the goalposts, or compare their experiences to others' and want more. The millionaire wants to become a billionaire, etc. So they spend their lives feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled, even though by their own calculus they "should" be happy.

So part of the process of having a "full life", as cliche as it sounds, is to count your blessings - literally. I think there's some exercise where people were forced to write down something they were thankful for every day, increasing the number each day (2 on the second, three on the third), no matter how small, and they were measurably more satisfied with their lives after a few weeks. Or they were required to do one small act of kindness for another person, or have a conversation with a social contact, etc. - it was those little things that made them appreciate what good, full lives they were leading.

And finally - if you enjoy doing something, even if it's something stupid like posting on a gay gossip site - own up to it and appreciate that you have the luxury of doing so, rather than worrying about whether it's particularly productive or important or what other people will think. Life is full of small pleasures, and sometimes it's just nice (for example) to sit in front of a computer and exchange fun, meaningless gossip with strangers from around the world - something people in past generations would never have been able to do or even imagined. You can't be climbing mountains or partying on a tropical island 24/7; pretty much everyone's lives are full of moments that are mundane, routine, and uneventful, and if you can learn to appreciate those moments in addition to the exciting ones, you'll probably come away a lot happier.

R34 u are living my life. Hate going to work everyday. Just do it to pay the bills. Have never had a partner and at 50 sure that ship has sailed.For me it's work ,home ,work ,store ,home. I spend too much time day dreaming and wishing my life were like an old movie or tv show. I'm in a rut and don't know how to get out of it. I'm like Miss Haversham only I never got jilted.

You bitches are whiny and pathetic. Snap out if it! I have been crawling out of a disability, divorce, bankruptcy and loss of home for 4 years and I count myself blessed to have survived even though I'm still in God-awful chronic pain every day.

There are a thousand ways to be happy, find a connection, boyfriend or satisfaction. If you have your health, you can do all of these things. If you don't, you can still enjoy and appreciate things such as the sunset.

Get off of your asses and live! Fuck!

Get off your asses and fuck! Live!

Nobody that I'm willing to fuck will fuck me, R44. So that's not really an option.

Wherever someone says that "live life to the fullest" I just assume they suffer from some sort of depression.

Nobody sane says things like that.

I often feel like this.

I have a partner of over 20 years and two children but find myself constantly complaining. We have had health problems and money problems but are still together.

I'm beginning to realise I should be happy with what I've got because really I am.

The constant bombardment from the media about rich, glamourous people and their perfect lives is not helping anyone. I'm not suprised so many people are depressed.

Things were better in the past when everyone was happy with a normal life, job, home and relationship. What is wrong with that, there is a lot to be said for being content.

I'm having a mid-life crisis post-injury. My partner and I are planning a move to a 2nd world country later this year so we can afford to live on less, and just, try something new. Doing research shows some holes in this plan, especially because we're well-established where we are and housing isn't quite as cheap as we thought. But! The idea is we're only getting older/more tired, so we're aiming for some adventure and a way to volunteer elsewhere. We might end up coming back, but yeah, we're hoping to broaden our horizons and see more of the world (albeit, only brown parts of the world we can afford to visit, not rich white nations). We realize we're incredibly lucky compared to many people in the world who don't have the option of moving anywhere else or lightening their loads. That is part of the reason to travel, to remind ourselves that we don't need all the crap we believe we do. You don't even want to know how many kitchen gadgets I have (and will be leaving behind).

I'm also at a crossroads professionally and trying to figure out what to do, making incremental progress toward something different, while here and hopefully in the next country.

I know moving away doesn't change my problems and am trying to be careful to not romanticize the new because I will be taking me wherever I go, you know?

I'm feeling everyone here.

I'm 34 years old, and I live with constant social anxiety and fear that has held me back all my life, whether it be school, jobs or relationships. I've always been incredibly shy, fearful of new people and experiences, afraid of change, and to top it off, I'm gay and deeply scared of social rejection. Still haven't come out for fear of rejection.

I'm sure you can imagine how that would fuck up someone's psychology.

Thing is I know that it's all in my head. I know there can be a life for me out there if I just open myself a little bit and take a risk, but I always succumb to the fear and settle for living my life holed up in my room, isolated but comfortable. In there no one will reject me, or think I'm stupid, or ugly, or an abomination going to hell, etc.

It was so much easier to fight off these fears in my teens and twenties. You think there will be so much time to apply yourself later on, to come out later on, to make friends later on, to love later on...but here I am, middle aged in the blink of an eye, no partner, no steady career (working in a dead-end job), no real friends.

And all because of this fear.

Every year that goes by I get more anxious, full of regret at the missed opportunities of my youth, worried constantly about life continuing to pass me by, but too damn chicken shit to fight these demons and live. It's just too hard.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I don't want to be 45 or 50 and never been kissed, never been loved...i desperately want more, but deep down I just know I don't have the confidence or bravery to do it. The fear is too strong.

In many ways, I feel it's too late. I'm too old now to restart, to come out, go back to school, be open.

It helps me to know I'm not alone in this after reading this thread. I'm at least glad I can write this, and put these feelings down. It helps.

My heart goes out to everyone else struggling. I hope it helps you to know that I understand.

I am 50.

I have learned 2 things: the vast majority of people exaggerate tremendously.

A life home watching tv and going to the gym is Nirvana.

R49, I completely understand you. But I do have some advice. I am in my late twenties and I came out to my mom (not to my dad, though) about 1-2 years ago and it was the scariest thing I have ever done. I did so despite the fact that my closest friends told me not to because they were afraid of the consequences. For about 7 years, I had intense anxiety over the fear of coming out. But honestly, the day I did it, I felt great (but light headed). My mom still doesn't accept my sexual orientation. I live at home to save money and I feel like she doesn't want me to leave because she is afraid I will get a long term boyfriend (I've slept with one person, screwed around with two people, and never been in a relationship and I don't have any gay friends outside of facebook right now). But you know what? It's my life. Once you take that step of coming out, at least to the person that you are afraid/love the most, despite the pain it causes you, your life will get easier, at least in your head.

If you're not LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST! and DOING WHAT YOU LOVE AND MAKING TONS OF MONEY AT IT! then there are thousands of Self-Improvement authors and Life Coaches who are ready to take your money, I mean HELP YOU REACH YOUR FULL POTENTIAL EVERY DAY ALL DAY!

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I have LIVED this description.

Was hoping to resolve my ennui before age 30, but with only 18 months on the clock...it looks dicey.

At this point I've long accepted that I don't have the right kind of personality/genes/whatever to be a live life to the fullest type of hedonistic person.

I don't think it's possible to be a working person in the modern USA, and to "live life to the fullest".

A terrible work-life balance has become an accepted norm, where everyone employed works long stressful hours that leaves them frazzled, and they spend their private life worrying about bills and/or the mortgage, and trying to jam relationships and children and tiny bits of "living life" into what's left over. And because everyone is living the same way, nobody realizes what an unbalanced and unhealthy lifestyle it is, particularly since half the population is totally lying about their entire lives on social media.

No, the only people who are living life to the fullest in the US are either the lucky few who genuinely love their work, the rich who have the sense to appreciate it, and the young and poor who don't realize they're throwing their futures away. The latter have the most fun by far, while it lasts.

The 2015 bump troll strikes again!

Bump

But I thought all the gays were living the lifestyle of champagne wishes and caviar dreams...

I am not giving myself enough credit.

I've done the best I can.

I came of age in the era of AIDS in the 1980s and while the government didn't do much about it the media did. It was one the news every night. Donahue and other talk shows did shows about it. I made the choice just don't have sex. Or at least unsafe sex.

I threw myself into work and while I haven't found wealth I have found success.

I'm hoping in ACT 3 as I say, I have some fun and more fulfilling experiences and relationships.

[quote] One thing I have noticed since my late teens is people immediately don't like me when they meet me for the first time--I can usually see it in their faces.

R1 - Are you very handsome? I have found that people hate me for no reason and I think they are just triggered. I have that hot, handsome privileged all American look that haters hate. It's just jealousy so don't worry about it.

Netflix & chill has replaced writing the Great American Novel