The Funniest Joke You Ever Heard

Knock Knock

Who's th

Impatient Cow.

r1 Swing and a miss.

One I heard on Datalounge that is HORRIBLE but God help me, I liked it. I liked it!:

What is fan fiction?

What fat girls do while they chew.

How do lesbians like to get things done?

Lickety-split!

R2 = Contributes Nothing to Anything Ever

Why don't birds wear underwear? Because their pecker is on their face.

Thanks folks, I'm here all week.

R5, well, you DID get the joke wrong.

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

Only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina.

And we have a winner at R8.

Truly, that's very funny.

What is the difference between a burlesque show and the circus?

A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

What is the difference between Sarah Palin and the Panama Canal?

The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

Im pretty sure I originally read it here, r9.

What did one condom say to other condom in front of the gay bar?

Let's go in here and get shitfaced.

The teacher was leading the class in vocabulary.

Now, boys and girls, she said, yesterday we were talking about health and wellness words and the last word we used was contagious. Who can use contagious in a sentence.

Immediately, Bad Billy raised his hand. As usual, the teacher sought anyone before Bad Billy.

Sally, can you use the word in a sentence?

If I kiss you when I have a cold you'll get one too if I am contagious.

Very good, said the teacher. Anyone else? Davy?

Measles is contagious.

Yes, Davy, measles ARE contagious. Good try. Anyone else? Anyone? she asked. But the only hand up was Bad Billy's. With resignation, she called on him. Billy said:

Well, I was on the back porch with my dad and he was drinking a beer and my mom was cutting the grass. And my dad said: it'll take that cunt ages to get that lawn cut.

Harry: "Honey, you got no tits and your box is really tight."

Honey: "Harry, get off my back!"

In some unreal world, the following men were all sitting on a park bench: a Black, Hispanic, Asian, and a member of the KKK. Suddenly a Genie appeared promising each man just 1 wish.

The Black Man said that he wanted all of his family, and friends, and associates, and every other Black in the US, to return to Africa and live in good health, prosperity, peace, and happiness for the rest of their lives. "Done."

The Hispanic Man said the same thing, expect for Mexico, Latin and South America. "Done."

The Asian Man said the same thing, except for China, Korea, Japan, etc. "Done."

Came time for the KKK member to speak. "Let's see, all the Blacks are in Africa, All the Hispanics are gone, and all the Asians are gone too, and I STILL have 1 wish? . . .

"I want a jack and coke."

What's so funny about this joke, is that if you tell it to a racist, they'll laugh too. LOL

r5 Much obliged for posting, you can run along to The Land of Capital Letters, from whence you've come.

r7 Thanks for havin' my back.

During religion class in Catholic school, a nun was giving her pupils a pop quiz.

“Who can tell me the name of the supreme being above us all?”

A boy in the back poked the girl in front of him with a pin.

“GOD, ALMIGHTY,” the girl yelped.

“Very good,” said the nun. “Now, who can tell me the name of his only son?”

The boy stuck the girl again.

“JESUS CHRIST,” the girl shouted.

“Excellent,” said the nun. “This next one is a little harder. What did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their third child, Seth?”

The girl turned around and said, “You stick me with that thing again and I’ll break it!”

How do you make Martha Stewart scream twice?

Fuck her up the ass and wipe your dick on the curtains.

Not the funniest I ever heard, but I've always liked it.

Didja hear about the guy who was half black and half Japanese?

Every December 7 he attacked Pearl Bailey.

And R2/R16 continues to contribute nothing except her solipsism. Why do the psychologically damaged insist on making it all about them here?

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Fuck her!

Why don't I get R3?

A waiter walks up to a tableful of old Jewish women and asks, "Is anything okay?"

Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That's not funny!

Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?

William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam.

What's gross?

When you're sitting on your grandfather's lap and he gets a boner.

What's grosser than that?

Two vampires fighting over a bloody tampon.

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.

"Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."

"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."

Classic, R27. Heard that one 30 years ago and it still gives me a chuckle today.

A boy goes to his father and asks him to help come up with a magic trick for show and tell. The father tells the kid he's busy and to go ask his mother.

His mother tells the boy she's too busy and go ask his sister.

His sister says she's too busy. The boy feeling ignored goes into his grandpa's bedroom.

Grandpa says he knows a great magic trick.

He tells his grandson to pull down his pants and bend over, while ol' grandad stands behind him.

Grandpa says, "Can you feel my finger in your ass?" And the boys says, "I sure can grandpa!"

Gramps waves his hands in front of the boy's face and shouts, "IT'S MAGIC!"

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

A young man decides to find work so he walks into the general store and applies for a job as a salesman.

The shop owner asks if he has any experience, but the young man shakes his head and says no, he doesn't.

'The key to selling', the shopkeeper says, 'is to sell the customer something he didn't know he needed'.

Just then a customer walked into the store.

'Good morning, sir' said the shopkeeper. 'How may we help you today?' 'I need a bag of grass seed' replied the customer. 'Very good sir,' said the shopkeeper, reaching up and taking a bag of grass seed of a shelf. 'Here is your grass seed and there's your lawnmower'.

The customer looked puzzled. 'Why do I need a lawnmower?'

The shopkeeper replied 'Well, sir. You're going to plant the grass seed and the grass is going to grow. You'll need a lawnmower to cut the grass.'

'Of course!' replied the customer. 'I didn't think of that. Very good of you to remind me', and, taking his grass seed and his new lawnmower, cheerfully left the store.

'See how it's done?' the shopkeeper said to the young man. 'You try the next one'.

Shortly thereafter, another customer walked into the store.

'Good morning, sir' said the young man. 'How may we help you today?' The customer reddened and stammered 'I'm on an errand for my wife. I need a box of tampons'

'Yes sir,' said the young man, reaching behind the counter and pulling a box of tampons off the shelf. 'Here are your tampons and there's your lawnmower'.

The customer looked puzzled. 'Why do I need a lawnmower?'

'Well sir', the young man replied, 'Since you won't be doing any fucking this weekend, you might as well cut the grass.

[all posts by racist flame-bait shit-stain removed.]

A handsome man is drowning his sorrows at a local pub. Several women try to comfort him.

"What's wrong?" one asks.

"I’m depressed!” he sighs. “The wife and I are having troubles."

"What kind?"

"Sex. I like kink. She’s very traditional".

"Well,” another woman says, “if you want kink, talk to the blonde at the other end of the bar. She's kinky. She'll make you feel better."

He walks over to meet the blonde. They have a couple of drinks, she invites him home. When they arrive, she excuses herself to change into something appropriate. She goes to bedroom, and puts on leather panties, gets whips, chains, tit clamps, etc.

All geared up, she goes out to living room, where she sees that the man he has put overcoat on and is leaving.....

"Hey, what's the matter?” she asks. “I thought we were going to have a scene?"

"Hey lady, I shit in your purse; I fucked your dog; I'm outta here."

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"

New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"

Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach Deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?

"New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbor 1: "That is right"

New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.

Neighbor 1: "Right again"

New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"

Neighbor 1: "Correct"

New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual"

Neighbor 1: "Yup"

New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"

Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"

Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"

Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"

Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"

Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"

Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

Neighbor 2: "No"

Neighbor 1: "Fag."

[italic]Everyone has heard the punchline to this joke, but very few have actually heard the entire joke. One of my faves:[/italic]

A young man joins the navy and while on a tour of the ship with the first mate, he asks, "Where do we go when we want to have sex?"

The first mate tells him they have that taken care of, and walks the young man over to a long line. The young man asks what the line is for, and the first mate tells him he'll see when he gets to the front of the line.

As the line moves along, and the young man is getting closer, he sees that all the sailors ahead of him are fucking a barrel. When his turn comes up, he decides to stick his dick in the barrel and is amazed at how great it feels.

After getting his turn he finds the fist mate and says the barrel was amazing! The first mate says he's happy the young sailor enjoyed himself and tells him he can fuck the barrel everyday, except Thursday.

So everyday the young man is in line waiting his turn to fuck the barrel, and fuck it he does!

On Thursday, he's still horny and asks the first mate why he can fuck the barrel every day, but Thursday. The first mate replies, "Because on Thursday it's your turn to get inside the barrel.

What's the difference between kinky and erotic?

Erotic is when you use a feather.

Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

A guy walks into a psychologist's office, shouting "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"

The psychologist holds up his hand and says "Relax: you're two tents."

What do Gwyneth Paltrow and tampons have in common?

They're both stuck up cunts.

Two nuns walk into a bar. Which is kind of funny because the second one should have ducked.

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Q: What does a lesbian bring to a second date?

A: A U-Haul truck.

Q: What does a gay man bring to a second date?

A: [italic]What[/italic] second date?

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

r20 I've come to realize it's all about YOU, darlin'. Assume the position. That IS what you really wanna' do, isn't it?

Did you hear about the Nazis Eve Knievil?

He tried to jump 100 Jews with a steam roller.

What's worse than getting eaten by Jaws?

Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Take my wife, please.

I was real crabby and intended to write a post about how much I hate computers these days. re: where the string-of bad-words does my downloaded music go!!?? (I'm old)

Then I read up to R33, actually LOL'd and feel much better now.

I don't even care about the computer

Q: What do you call a Russian with Tourette's Syndrome?

A: Yukanol Fukov.

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street. The priest says, "Hey, let's go screw some kids!" And the rabbi says, "Out of what?"

What do you call a woman with two black eyes?

Hard of hearing.

A pedophile and a little boy are walking into a forest together. They keep walking farther and farther, and it keeps getting darker and darker outside. Finally, the little boy says, "I'm really scared!" The pedophile says, "You think YOU'RE scared? I'M the one who has to walk out of here alone!"

Why did they bury Rock Hudson ass up?

So his friends could stop by for a cold one.

What's brown and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven's 1st movement.

FRANK: "Did you know that 2 out of every 3 people live next to a pedophile"?

JOE: "Not me, I live next to two smoking hot 10 year olds"

What's the best part about having sex with twenty-nine year olds?

There's twenty of them.

I used to tell a joke about Jonestown.

But the punch line was too long.

I used to be in to S&M, bestiality and necrophilia.

But then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

I get the impression there's a lot of "issues" going on here requiring expert, compassionate therapy

Q: what do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?

A: I don't know either, but it sure can pick lettuce!

Q: What's green and smells like ham?

A: Kermit's finger.

Is mass out? No, but your hat's on crooked.

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What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your whole day while anal sex makes your hole weak.

Why don't Mexicans like checking accounts?

Too hard to spray your name on that little line.

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

Two possible responses:

1. A pizza doesn't scream when you shove it in the oven

2. A pizza has more dough.

Please explain r3 and r52. I must be missing something?

You're not the only one R68. I don't get those two.

An Irishman is praying to God to win the lottery. He's been praying every Sunday for 6 weeks and still nothing. He decides to make a last ditch effort and asks God why he has forsaken him. "Lord, I've lived a good Christian life, I've obeyed the priest, I've never used contraception, I don't agree with gay marriage, I oppose abortion on any grounds, I've done everything I should - why won't you help me win the lottery?". God replies "you've got to meet me half way Patrick, buy a fucking ticket".

R52, is easy. The woman has two black eyes because she does not listen to her man. It is a wife beating joke.

The other one?, I haven't a clue.

And a nice fat F&F to R62, the flaming homophobe cunt.

R72, the joke is in the over the top nature of the supposed joke - unclench your snatch and quit electing yourself hall monitor because I sure as fuck didn't give you the job.

Conversation between two very old ladies sitting on a park bench:

Old Lady A: "You still get horny?"

Old Lady B: "Sure!"

Old Lady A: "So what do you do about it?"

Old Lady B: "I suck on a lifesaver."

Old Lady A: "Who drives you to the beach?"

Why did the gay man get fired from the sperm bank? He was caught drinking on the job.

An old Digger, an Emu and a Cat walk into a pub. The Emu and the Cat go and sit down, the Digger goes to the bar, orders three beers from the Publican. The Digger takes the beers over to the Emu and the Cat, hands them round, then sits down.

A while later, the Emu gets up, goes over to the bar, orders a round of beers, takes them over to the Digger and Cat. A bit later, the Digger again gets up, shouts around. Later still, the Emu again shouts a round. Later, the Digger again shouts. The Cat never moves, just sits and drinks.

Finally, curiosity gets the better of the Publican, so when the Digger is at the bar shouting a round, the Publican asks, "What's with you and your two mates?"

The Digger replies, "Yeyr. Well, I was out the Back of Beyond doing a bit of prospecting, when I found an old lamp buried in the sand. I rubbed the lamp to give her a bit of a clean, when out popped a genie. The genie said, "You've got one wish, mate. What are ya havin'?". "So I said....

..."I'll have a tall bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Its going to take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

how did the pervert cross the road?

he couldn't get his dick out the chicken

Why does a polack carry a quarter in his rubber ?

If he can't come, he'll call.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Six. One to actually put it in, five to brag about the screwing .

I don't understand the fan fiction or the mass out ones. Can someone please explain?

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Why do so many Aussies suffer from premature ejaculation?

Cause they can't wait to get down to the pub to tell their mates they got rooted.

[quote]I don't understand the fan fiction or the mass out ones.

Is Mass out? No, but your hat's on crooked.

Read it as "Is my ass out" and you'll get it.

I don't get the fan fiction.

A crab and a flea are standing on a street corner in NYC, discussing what to do for the weekend. A German shepherd comes along, the flea hops on the dog, tells the crab to meet him back here on Monday and they'll talk about what they did over the weekend.

Monday comes, the flea shows up, no crab. He comes back Tuesday, then Wednesday, still no crab. Finally the crab shows up on Thursday, looking like he's gonna die.

"Oh, my God, what's happened to you? I was so worried when you didn't show up on Monday. Where were you?" Asked the flea.

"Well" said the crab, "a few minutes after you left, this hot looking blonde came along so I decided to hop aboard. First, she goes home, takes a shower, and I almost drowned. Then she throws some baby powder on, and I almost choked to death. Then she goes to a bar, starts drinking and spills a drink right in her lap. I got so drunk that I passed out for three days, and when I woke up, I was in some truck driver's beard on my way to Texas."

why did the chicken cross the road...

to fuck your mom

if your mom became your dad would she still let you suck her dick

I am surprised so many people don't get r3.

I am assuming it means that fan fiction is something only fat girls write. So fan fiction is something fat girls write as a hobby during their full time jobs of eating or chewing.

A guy is horned up and at the local bar looking for some action. He spots a lady at the end of the bar. She's not the most beautiful but she'll do in a pinch. He proposes that they go fuck in the bathroom. She's says, "OK, buy me one of those $10 drinks and I'll do it." So he coughs of the money and they go fuck in the bathroom.

Next day he's at work and his crotch is on fire, just itching away. He is so pissed off, knowing that woman at the bar gave him something. So he goes to the bar that night determined to find her. And sure enough she's sitting there on the same stool.

He walks up and starts yelling, "You dumb slut, you gave me crabs."

She says, "What do you expect for $10? Lobster?"

Can't remember the fucking joke, but the punchline is:

"When I saw him lick his eyebrow. . ."

If anyone remembers, have at it.

Two nuns are on their way to Mass on Sunday morning. They decide to take a shortcut thru the park.They are dragged into the bushes by two men and sexually assaulted.They get up, dust themselves off, and proceed to church. After Mass is over they proceed to head back to the convent. One nun then giggles and says to the other, "Want to take the shortcut thru the park again on the way home ?"

Q:Is it better to be born black or born gay?

A: It's better to be born black because at least you don't have to tell your parents.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

No, R52--the joke is: what do you call a woman with a black eye? A bitch who won't listen.

What do you call a woman with two black eyes? A bitch who STILL won't listen.

How was copper wire invented? Two Jews got into a tug-of-war over a penny.

What do you call a lovely shade of bluish-black? Jiggablue.

What are the first words out of a Mexican kid's mouth? "Attention, K-Mart shoppers!"

Why do women have legs? So they won't leave a trail like a slug.

A drunk sitting in a bar stumbles down to where the resident slut is sitting. He tells her, "I sure could use a little pussy, honey." She replies, "So could I, mine's as big as this fucking bar stool!"

The difference between a roomful of dwarf scientists and a female track team? One is a group of cunning runts and.....

The next time somebody is telling jokes, ask them "What is the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?"

Wait for them to reply "I don't know" and then exclaim quickly "Oh, so [italic]you're[/italic] the one!"

How many social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None - they just form a support group called "Coping With Darkness".

A woman is waiting in check out line at the supermarket and and drunk joins the line behind her.

He looks at her shopping cart, looks at her and says, "I bet you live alone."

She answers, "why yes, I do. You could tell by my groceries?" he answers, "No I could tell because you're fucking ugly."

What is Michelle Duggar called in Mexico?

Consuelo.

Why does Helen Keller wear white gloves? She burned her fingers reading the waffle iron.

Okay, R3. Your joke failed. Did you tell it wrong?

As always the funniest jokes are always here on Datalounge !

R102, seek help

What's the last thing you want to hear when you're blowing Willie Nelson? "I'm not Willie Nelson"

A woman is eleven months pregnant. Doctor tells her she can't wait any longer, he has to remove the baby. The baby is taken by C-section. Doctor slaps the baby's ass, then asks him why he wouldn't come out.Because it was raining out, the baby says. How could you possibly tell it was raining out from inside there, the doctor asks? The baby replies, because every body who came inside was wearing rubbers.

What's better than a bouquet of roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs simmering in a pot of vegetables?

Stew

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in front of your door?

Matt

Guy and a girl are parked and making out in the car. Guy asks the girl if he can kiss her neck.She says OK, and he does. He asks her if he can feel her boobs. She says OK, and her starts to feel her up. Then he asks if he can put his finger in her belly button.She saysOK, and he proceeds. He asks her if it felt good. Yes, she says, but that wasn't my belly button. That's OK, he says, that wasn't my finger.

How do Germans tie their shoes?

In little Nazis.

What did the German general say to Adolf Hitler when he paid a surprise visit to Auschwitz?

If I knew you were coming I'd have baked a kike.

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How many polacks does it take to screw in a Lightbulb?

Five. One to insert the bulb in the light socket, and four to turn the ladder.

Why does the seagull always fly over the sea? Because if it flew over the bay it would be a baygull (bagel)

Thank you! I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your waitress!

R90 It has something to do with a really ugly guy sitting at a bar and getting drinks sent to him by attractive women. Why? Licking his eyebrow.

How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. "Let's just remove the switch and socket, you're not using it anyway".

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he still won't come when you call.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs, in a pile of leaves?

Russell

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.

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A Rabbi a priest and a minister walk into....

come on, I'm sure someone has something good that starts this way. My brain is closed for repairs.

A priest is walking on the riverbank contemplating his sermon when he hears a tiny voice crying "help me, help me!". He looks down to see a frog clinging to his shoe. The priest thinks "a talking frog? Surely not! But of course The Lord made the world and all it's wonders in 6 days, why not?", so he asks the frog how he can help.

The frog tells him he's really a little boy, cursed to be a frog for all eternity by a wicked sorcerer. Unless he can find someone who will take care of him even though he's a frog the spell will never be broken. So the priest takes him home, gives him supper, a hot bath, and tucks him into bed. When the priest woke in the morning there was a little boy in bed beside him.

And there rests the case for the defence your honor.

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Once upon a time, in a far off land, lived a great and powerful King. But the King was sad as he had lost his one true love, the Queen, many years hence.

The only joy in the Kings life was his beautiful young daughter, the Princess. But the Princess was of a precocious age and the Kings days were spent protecting her purity.

One day the King received notice that he was to attend a Kings Convention two kingdoms over. He would not be able to take the Princess with him. The Princess must stay put.

Noticing the Kings quandary, his trusted aide, the Jester, suggested the King visit the Blacksmith at the bottom of the hill.

"Yes, my Lord" the Blacksmith greeted, "the Jester told me I might expect you." With great flourish, the Blacksmith unveiled a sort of chastity belt, beautiful in its craftsmanship, divine in its simplicity.

"But Blacksmith" the King shouted, "The is a hole right where the, well, were the hole shouldn't be!"

"Yes, Sire. But here, take this cigar and place it at the opening to the hole of the hole."

The King did as directed and a swift and sharp guillotine device plunged into the cigar and sliced it right off.

"Brilliant" bellowed the King and confidently off to the Kings Convention he went.

Returning to his castle a fortnight later, the King called all of his Knights onto the front lawn of the castle. "Drop your armor" cried the King.

A cacophonous clattering of armor fell to the ground. The King observed his first Knights nether regions. Cut to the quick. Not even a bloody stump. All remnants of manhood missing. "I trusted you and you have shamed me" said the disappointed King, and banished the Knight from his Kingdom.

His second Knight, the same. Third, fourth, fifth and sixth. All the Kings men proved to be disloyal and were dispatched half-cocked.

But the seventh Knight, Sir Bruce! "Bruce, my boy!" for the King found Bruce, while meticulously groomed, fully intact, not a hair out of place. "You, my son, the most trustworthy male in all of my Kingdom. For you I shall give anything. You have proven yourself worthy! How can I repay you for your steadfast loyalty?"

And Sir Bruce said "Wal Ib Lik ta haf ma toung bak"

What did the eleohant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that?"

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

-------------------------------------------------

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

R97, I love your joke.

How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What is my motivation?

How many nice, kind grandsons does it take to screw in a lightbulb for grandma? None, "Ill just sit here in the dark."

What's a donkey? A horse designed by a Congressional committee.

Dammit...

*elephant

R126, I heard it as "How do you pick up peanuts with that?"

Can you take a legless dog for a walk?

No, you take it for a drag.

R123 and r125 Those were funny!

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

[angrily]You don't know, man, you weren't there!!!

R128, the joke is How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? "No, don't worry about me, I'll just sit in the dark."

Another: How many theatre producers does it take to change a light bulb? Does it HAVE to be a light bulb?

I'm beginning to see that many of you have never heard a joke in your life.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? "Cliff".

How was copper wire invested?

Two Jews fighting over a penny.

Two African-Americans pass one another on the sidewalk.

"Mornin', mothafucka!!!" one says.

"Morning, Reverend," says the other.

Why did the Black guy wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy operation?

"Because if you want to be impotent, you gots to look impotent."

Two college students meet each other at spring break in Ft. Lauderdale.

First Student: Hi there! Where do you go to school?

Second Student: University of Mississippi. Where do you go to school?

First Student: Yale.

Second Student (confused, shouting): UNIVERSITY OF MISSISSIPPI!

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R133, R134, Loved hearing your new to me "lightbulb" jokes.

A little regional, but:

How many Virginians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three, one to change it and two to reminisce about how good the old one was.

Two old men had always been best buds, sharing their joys and sorrows in life. They made a pact that whoever died 1st, would find a way to let the other man know what the "other side" was all about.

The 1st man died soon after, and came back one night to briefly visit his old friend. "So what's it like over there?" "You would not believe it. I wake up and fuck. Take a mid-morning nap and then fuck. Eat lunch and then fuck. Take my afternoon nap and then fuck." "Wow," said the 1st old man interrupting his old friend. "You must be in Heaven." "Hell, no. I'm a jack rabbit in Peoria."

Guy has a golden screw in his bellybutton, but has no idea what then purpose of the golden screw is. One night, he has a dream that a golden fairy comes to him carrying a golden tray. On the golden tray is a golden screwdriver. He reaches up and takes the golden screwdriver, unscrews the golden screw, and places the golden screw and the golden screwdriver on the golden tray. The golden fairy then flies away.

The next morning he woke up, got out of bed, and his ass fell off.

To continue the trend started by R10 and R95:

What's the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic oyster processor?

One shucks between fits . . .

wrt R64 . That joke is from about 1991, I think from the time of the Gulf War, when Bush Senior was in office.

The longer version goes like this:

A peace deal has been signed between United States, represented by one president Bush, and the Iraqi ambassador.

As they happen to walk down the corridor, the Iraqi ambassador says to prez Bush:

"You know, Mr. President, I have a son, and he is a really big fan of Star Trek, he likes watching it very much, because there's World Peace, and all the people of different races are working together. But my son noticed that there are no Arabs; he asked me about it, and I couldn't give him a good answer."

Prez Bush then beckons the ambassador to his side, and whispers:

"That's because it happens in the future!"

The joke is historically moot, because when Star Trek: Deep Space Nine went into production, the Sudanese-born Siddig El Fadil was cast as Doctor Bashir. The actor is now better known as Alexander Siddig, because of English-speaking peoples' difficulties in pronouncing his name.

Four nuns are waiting in line at the Pearly Gates to get into heaven.

Peter to 1st Nun: "If you've looked at a man's penis, dab your eyes with Holy Water and you can go in."

Peter to 2nd Nun: "I know you've touched a man's penis. Splash some Holy Water on your hands and you can go in."

Suddenly, nun #4 pushes #3 in front of her out of the way.

Nun #3 says, "Hey, why'd you do that??!?!"

Nun #4: "Because if I have to gargle that I want to do it before you wash your ass in it!"

Why were Egyptian Pharaohs' children confused?

Because their daddies were mommies :-)

Heard that one on BBC World Service a few years ago.

---- If anyone wants a real good laugh, go to bash.org or another quotes database (qdb), which have been collected from IRC and other IM services. The jokes are often situational and mostly from real life.

#180081 kylev: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA kylev: hahahahaha kylev: some girl just came onto our floor kylev: and was yelling "sexual favors for anyone who does my sociology paper" kylev: i just asked her what the paper was about kylev: and she said the accomplishments and growth of feminism `Neo: bahahahaha

#126218 WiLdSeXyPrInCeSs: i luv guyz where would they be wifout us gals??? XeNoX: Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible bitch.

A mother walks into her son's bedroom and catches him masturbating. "Stop that right now, and don't do it ever again. If you keep on doing that you'll go blind. "The son replies "Can't I just keep on doing it until I need glasses?"

A: Why is it only real men can drive taxi cabs in Rome?

B: Because they need their right hand to work the gear shift and their left hand to wave to all the pretty girls.

A: How do they steer?

B: Like I said, only real men can drive taxis in Rome....

Two nuns were driving along the highway when a vampire lands on the hood of their car.

"Show him your cross, Sister, show him your cross!" said one.

So the second one leaned out of the window and yelled out, "Hey, you! Fuck off!"

White people think they're color blind. Black people think white people are crazy.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two.

Two gays are commiserating about one partner's sudden passing. One says to the mournful other, how will you bury him? The man says I think I'll cremate him and throw him in a pot of chili so he can tear the ass off me one more time.

Good one R144!

Gonna fix my R149 newline issue:

#180081

kylev: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

kylev: hahahahaha

kylev: some girl just came onto our floor

kylev: and was yelling "sexual favors for anyone who does my sociology paper"

kylev: i just asked her what the paper was about

kylev: and she said the accomplishments and growth of feminism

`Neo: bahahahaha

#126218

WiLdSeXyPrInCeSs: i luv guyz where would they be wifout us gals???

XeNoX: Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible bitch.

Q: How many deaf lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A:

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?

Change a what?

How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

How many mutants does it take to change a light bulb?

Two-thirds.

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes a lot of lightbulbs.

For fuck's sake, you insufferable Lightbulb Joke Troll at R158 - R160, are these HONESTLY the FUNNIEST jokes you have ever heard?

Fucking porch turd.

For goodness sake R163, relax. I thought those were some of the better lighbulb jokes of the week, as opposed to whatever young R149 R157 is trying earnestly to accomplish.

You contribute so much, R163. And if by now you think that this thread is people actually sharing their funniest jokes, you either have a lousy sense of humor or you're a cunt.

Oh, I see. Well then.

How many cunts (like you) does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. But with a cunt the size of you it had better be a really big one.

R163. Surely you jest...

"Sarah Jessica Parker is one of the hottest women alive."

Goy Jokes

A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?" The salesman says: "It's $500." The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."

Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?" The other Gentile says; "Just great! Thanks for asking!"

Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children. Gentile mother 1 (said with pride): "My son is a construction worker!" Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride): "My son is a truck driver!"

A Gentile man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it." His Mother says: "OK."

A judge is fishing on the river bank.

A lawyer runs up and begs the judge to lend him his boat because it's imperative for him to get to the other side of the river.

The judge agrees but as the lawyer gets half way across the river he realizes that the boat has a leak and is sinking.

As the lawyer is going under for the last time he calls out to the judge on the bank and asks how he could have sent the lawyer off in a leaky boat.

The judge replies "that was not the matter before me."

A history of laughter – from Cicero to The Simpsons

Eggheads, oversexed women, chatty barbers – many of our jokes have their roots in antiquity. Mary Beard considers what makes us laugh

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

up

Following his death, President Kennedy shoots up to heaven, and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gate. Before I let you in, Peter says, I need to know how many extra-marital affairs you've had. About six, Kennedy responds. OK, Peter says, I'm going to give you a Cadillac to you the heavens.

Shortly after, Martin Luther King arrives. Before I let you in, Peter asks, how many affairs have you had? About twelve, King responds. OK, Peter says, I'm gonna give you a motorcycle to tour the heavens.

As he's driving around, Kennedy pulls up next to King, looks at the motorcycle, and starts to snicker. Don't laugh, King says, I just saw the Pope and he's on roller skates.

Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was assaulted...peanut.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

A man is looking over his backyard fence and spies the little girl next door digging a big hole in the ground.

"What are you doing there Ellie?" He asks

she replies " I'm digging a grave for my dead goldfish."

"Oh that's a shame, but why are you digging such a big hole for a little fish?"

"Because he's inside your fucking cat!" she shouts back.

What would happen if only three women were left on earth?

Two of them would get together to talk about the other one.

Not the funniest I've ever heard, but still worth posting, maybe.

After a boating accident, an extremely religious woman sat on the beach where her son had last been seen, praying for his safety.

"Oh God, please, save my son. Please please please, save him. Dear Lord, won't you please hear my prayers? Please?"

Well, God did hear her prayers. His cupped hand lifted her son from the water, then, ever so gently, laid him on the beach beside her.

She looked sideways at her son, then heavenward, and said, "He was wearing a hat!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

OK R179 finally made me laugh.

A baby seal slides into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll ya have?" and the seal says "Anything but a Canadien Club."

Eight-year-old Tyrone, a Baptist, went to a Catholic camp. At the end of the summer a priest suggested he change religion. Tyrone replied "Father, ain't it bad enough I'm black, I have to be Catholic, too?"

Two elderly Jewish ladies on park bench ... "I have good news and bad news." "So what's the bad news?" "Mein granson is a faygela." "And the good news?" "He's goin' with a Jewish doctor."

15-year-old goes into drugstore "Do you sell condoms?" "Yes, they're $2.00 a box" The kid hands the clerk two singles. "That's $2.00 plus tax" "Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves"

I'm thinking about selling my theremin.

I haven't touched it in years.

Two Scotsmen walk into a Zoo.

There they see this huge mammal called "The Canadian Moose."

One Scot says to the other, "Aye, if that's the size of a moose in Canada, I'd hate to see the rats."

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

What's the difference between a battered woman and her husband/partner?

One gets a cease and desist order, and the other is cis and diseased.

You know, there are two things I can't eat for lunch and dinner...

A jew, a lesbian, and Muhammad walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! Sarah Jessica Parker! Why the long face?"

What do you call a Polish bowling team? Pack of Stanleys.

I just lost 400lbs. I dropped my Mother-in-Law off at the airport. Her plane leaves tomorrow.

"Mommy! I'm tired of running around in circles!" "Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!"

My deaf neighbor never heard any Helen Keller jokes.

Joni Mitchell was nursing a tall drink at the bar counter and was just minding her own business.

Then, an aging fan walked up to her and said, 'Thank you Joni. Before Prozac, there was You.'

A woman says your husband had gay sex. You know what they say, "Once they go gay, they stay that way."

And the wife says "Good I don't want no AIDS."

What's the difference between AIDS and Obama's father.

AIDS stayed with Obama after he was born.

Sean McKenna decides to whore out his stupid daughter, Mary Katherine Eileen for a little extra cash. 11:30pm she comes back proudly declaring she made $50.10! Sean screams: "Mary Katherine Eileen! Who the hell paid you ten cents?" Mary Katherine Eileen replies, "All of them!"

Your jokes suck.

Sucked Fuckee, Five Buckee

[all posts by racist flame-bait shit-stain removed.]

And your pimply asshole gasg smells like herring and shame, R195.

That's a good one R197.

A woman purchases a magic mirror at a local antique shop. When she arrives home and tells her husband, he laughs. She proceeds to the bathroom, and hangs the mirror on the door, looks at herself and her tiny boobies, and decides to try it out. "Mirror, mirror, on the door, name my boobs a forty four. Voila. She goes from 34B to 44DD." She immediately runs down and shows her doubting husband, and he is so impressed, he decides to try it out himself. He runs to the bathroom, takes off his pants, and stares at his teeny peeny. "Mirror, mirror, on the door make my peter touch the floor." His legs immediately fell off.

Just when you think the management isn't paying attention…...

Can a woman get pregnant from anal sex?, a concerned frau asked her doctor.

Of course you can, the doctor replied. Where do you think politicians come from?!

R200, always liked that one. But the cadence works better if you close with,

[quote]And his legs fell off.

Remember when you used to blow bubbles as a child?

Well he's back in town--he wants you to call him.

Wow. How bad do you have to be to get a R197?

How can you tell if your roommates gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

Q: What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?

A: I don't know and I don't care.

The Proud Fathers... Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, married, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!" The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, married, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded." The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, married, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is a bachelor, gay and he go-go dances in a club." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio!"

Husband and wife are watching TV and the husband keeps switching between golf and porn and finally his wife says, God Damn it will you just leave it on porn, you already know how to golf.

what do turtles and lesbians have in common, they both choke on plastic

what is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb, you can unscrew a light bulb.

what is worse than ants in your pants, your uncle

you know how to find a blind man on a nude beach, it isn't hard

what do a nine volt battery and a butt hole have in common, you know you shouldn't put your tongue there but you do

You know why God created yeast infections, so even women know what an annoying cunt feels like

You know what the best pill to take when you can't sleep because of sunburn, Viagra it doesn't help the sunburn but it keeps the sheet off your legs

You know where the weight room was at Hogwarts, behind the Dumbledore..

what do you call Batman when he skips going to church, Christian Bale

what do you call it when a hen can count her own eggs, a mathamachicken

what do you call it when a chicken stares at a head of lettuce Chicken caesar salad

Father walks into his son's room and says, "Don't do that! You'll go blind!

Kid says, "Dad, I'm over here."

How does a West Virginia mother know her daughter's having her period?

Her son's dick tastes funny.

Brit walks in with a sheep and says to his BF, "This is the pig I'm forced to sleep with when you say you have a headache."

BF says "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.

Man says "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

What's the definition of a virgin in West Virginia?

A 13 year old who can out run her brother.

Unscramble these words!

1.) PNEIS

2.) HTIELR

3.) NGGERI

4.) BUTTSXE

Did you get SPINE, LITHER, GINGER and SUBTEXT? or do you have a very dirty mind.