My sister has borderline personality disorder

Has she been diagnosed? Is she on meds? Details, please.

No and no. But she takes a situation and makes a whole scenario in her head and lashes out. She feels persecuted and when she feels someone is against her she screams and yells and sends text messages like fuck you.

She's a 60 yr old woman

Stop talking to her.

She won't change. You change.

Keep your distance and when you can't, remind yourself it's the disease talking. I've always found trying to placate people with BPD a lose-lose. they will see and do what they want (and it may not be "want," I realize).

I second stop talking to her. I haven't talked to either of my siblings for years because they're both toxic and batshit crazy.

BPD people are impossible to deal with. Not only can you never win with them, you can't even draw even or have any stability--they are not only illogical but incredibly wily. I have met just a few in my life, but they were disastrous--I have learned to avoid them like the plague. I work with one and my life became 100% better when her office was moved away from mine.

Make sure you have copies of the family photos she possesses. And don't publish anything about her - otherwise DL will never stop bitching about you while martyring her.

Would you stop talking to her if she had another disease, like cancer?

Do a search and read the old BPD/NPD threads, OP. Self and non-professional diagnoses are always suspect but if she really is a Borderline...

RUN, do not walk, away from your toxic sister. She can't be "cured" and she will never get any better. The key to this relationship is to stay the fuck away from her. Do not engage in conversation. Do not try to reason with her. Do not go anywhere near her unless it's at a family function you absolutely, positively can't get out of attending.

She cannot give and receive love in any way that normal people understand it. Trying to have a caring relationship with an NPD/BPD person is like beating your head against a rock. You'll feel so much better when you stop.

Anyone who tells you to continue in a relationship with an NPD/BPD person is not giving you good advice.

Sometimes you can't go "no contact" as they call it. Or you feel you can't. Like you're an only child and have an elderly mother. There's a technique called "Medium Chill"

"When they lash out - show no anger. When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

Medium chill is effective because they no longer feel "safe" in their ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had some great success using this..." (more at link)

It's still hell but at least some people have managed to make the situation less horrible by changing their own reactions - there's no hope to change them and no drug that helps (other than cyanide.) And if you can't avoid entirely, at least avoid them as much as you can. Develop a migraine problem or some such, so you have a neutral sort of excuse to get away quickly, even if in the same house, to go "lie down" and lock the door behind you.

Thank you r12. That's helpful

Anyone have a link to the old BOrderline threads?

They *are* hell. A BPD guy I dated contacted me out of the blue after two months yesterday. I used Medium Chill (didn't know it had a name) and then made sure he understood I wasn't interested. They like to recycle partners, beware.

I dated a BPD for 3 weeks years ago and I still get an email once or twice a year. Although I never reply, she usually sends me warm wishes and keeps me up to date on whatever she's doing. Last time I met with her was I think 2009 or maybe 2010.

I was with a partner whose father was diagnosed as borderline by a couple therapists, mid-1980's or so. I think my ex-partner mirrored certain bpd behaviors, but I don't think they were borderline themselves. This one did cycle back however, to see if they could pick me up out of the ruins and start over. I used medium chill and admitted dealing with depression. They "grossed out" and backed off.

What is strange, however, is how many of my (also now ex) friends were swept up in my ex-partner's personality. They all had a party ripping me to pieces, excluding me, social media attacks, etc. I now see they might not have personality disorders, but they are "dark" people. I could barely make the distinction only a few years ago.

I don't know if MY sister is BPD, but she goes from sickly sweet with a weird, baby girl voice to nasty bitch if you do something that makes her angry. She doesn't do drugs or drink, but she now is basically a shut-in with some very, very part-time work so there's obviously something going on. I get the feeling that other people really don't want anything to do with her as well.

R12 was a VERY, VERY helpful post because I've been doing "medium chill" without knowing anything about it. I used to try to be close to her when we were younger, but it's like the more time you spent with her the more likely it would be that she'd go off on you. She also dresses very strangely but I think she thinks it looks interesting. I don't really think of her as a person anymore, just kind of a nasty robot programmed to be cutesy and then a rapid, nasty piece of work. She's almost predictable in that way. Every family dinner there will be some event she'll stage where she's awful to people and then she'll be really sickly "sweet" afterwards and all is forgiven. Don't want anything bad to happen to her, but I don't want to waste my time with her, either. She doesn't value anyone else's time or life.

OP's sister = Kristen DiMera

I highly recommend the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder."

My mother was borderline, and it took me years to figure out what the hell was up with her.

People with BPD are crying out for boundaries OP. I have cut my borderline sister off as she refuses to respect my non negotiable boundaries : no raging at me , no physical aggression and she must keep her doctor's appointments to get her AD meds and go to her AA meetings.

If your sister abuses you or your loved ones, you can cut her off.

It's not uncommon for BPD symptoms to lessen by middle age. At 60, it looks like your sister is in an extreme minority whose symptoms are probably not ever going to alleviate.

The only proven treatment is dialectical behavioural therapy. This requires a lot of motivation from the borderline. Google it if you've not done so. You might be able to persuade your sister to try it however you need to be realistic - her raging at her age indicates that she may well never improve.

Does anyone who knows someone or suspects them of having BPD notice the following: tendency to eat EXTREMELY slowly in group settings so the meal drags on and on and will set down all silverwear and start never-ending monologues? Is it a control thing? Is it not BPD related at all?

I think my sister has food issues. Not exactly anorexic, but she eats very little

Wouldn't be surprised if BPD and anorexia / bulimia went together. Not necessarily, but a common combination.

Not to say all people with eating disorders are BPD, but would be willing to bet a large number of BPD do have eating disorders.

Clearly not. It's just some weird pet peeve of yours R21.

I've read the DL threads on BPD because I find them fascinating, but I still don't understand what the disorder is about. It's such a strange constellation of symptoms.

The best advice I ever got about dealing with my dysfunctional family members was "detach with love." I know that sounds very twelve-step, but it works. Let them know that you're on their side and that you wish them well, but don't enable or engage them. Cutting people out of your life doesn't mean you hate them; it simply means you respect yourself.

Introduce her to Angelina Jolie!

R7, let me guess...the BPD office worker always had in for someone and would try to get everyone to go along with her scorn of you over perceived slights by her. It's always SOMEBODY at work, friends or family that is feeling their wrath. You always know your turn is coming. It's inevitable.

[quote]I don't know if MY sister is BPD, but she goes from sickly sweet with a weird, baby girl voice to nasty bitch if you do something that makes her angry.

Are you Nicky Hilton?

R15 BPD people can't stand somebody leaving them. ..or leaving an argument.

Medium chill is a good approach.

shoot her

R21, I know what you're talking about, although I don't think it's a BPD thing. My dad is a narcissist and likes to control the timetable of group situations by eating slowly and/or being late.

R12 My mother has BPD, that method is exactly what I started doing with her when I was a kid and she's never bothered me much, at the very least she knows that she can't manipulate or trick me. On the other hand one of my sisters tries to treat her like a normal mother and is somehow always surprised at how much horrible scheming crap she gets from her lovely mother.

With poor mental health diagnosis in this country, I have had a difficult time getting MY sister diagnosed for me to know what to do. My sister (I believe) has NPD/BPD, undiagnosed and whenever she is unhappy with her life, I know because I am her focus. She uses me to deflect family questions about her own life. When I respond to texts, emails and/or calls, she twists what I say to play into her "poor girl" routine. She has functioned at a high level til now, she's turning 60. She has no husband, no job and no home. Her funds will go quickly with her lifestyle. Need I be afraid of physical confrontations next? Our family wants to believe her because she LOOKS the part and APPEARS so successful with her tall tales. What can I do.

Ever since TPTB insisted on team work and togetherness and family and all that bullshit, we've noticed personality disorders more.

Before, you could just walk away from someone like that -- they had little effect on your life

my husband is posting here?

[quote] I've read the DL threads on BPD because I find them fascinating, but I still don't understand what the disorder is about. It's such a strange constellation of symptoms.

BPD is a euphemism for "crazy ass bitch."

"She's a horror to deal with and every perceived slight turns into World War 3"

The silver lining is that you all can be 'starring' in your own reality show by next Monday. BPD, tears and snot are just the starters.

"BPD" is not a "disease." It is people with a life long habit of being horrible to others. It is so entrenched it looks like a disease. Basically they never learned how to communicate and function with other human beings. They were too selfish and too stupid to bother to learn. And so they become completely toxic.

It is a strange set of symptoms but at the heart of the disorder is very unstable, intense emotionality and a dread of being alone in the world.

They feel out of control a lot of the time because they experience these intense , rapidly changing waves of emotion. many try and self-medicate their emotional turmoil with drink, drugs, sex, and spending.

Borderlines convince themselves that they cannot cope without a care-giver / protector in life. This is usually linked to perceived or actual abandonment in childhood - a divorce, childhood abuse or the death of a parent, usually. This leads them, when single or in a failing relationship, to seek out a new partner / close friendship frantically. When someone shows them care and concern, they are ecstatic, and idealise the person. They then overwhelm and exhaust, within rapidly escalating demands on the other person's time and emotional resources.

Inevitably, their pathological needs cannot be met by another person, because what they need is long term DBT and medication for their anxiety and moods. They then devalue and usually discard the person who has failed to 'cure' them, often brutally.

They have very low levels of empathy, though they can fake it when they are trying to hook people into being their care-giver. They can also be very violent, and even experience temporary psychosis under great stress.

There is a genuinely high risk of suicidal behaviours and attempts, OP, so you need to take that very seriously if your sister expresses suicidal ideation.

R38 is right, BPD is a personality disorder, meaning a long-standing, deeply entrenched set of personality traits and ways of relating to the world and to others, which causes harm to the person and those around them. It is not a disease.

[quote]It's not uncommon for BPD symptoms to lessen by middle age. At 60, it looks like your sister is in an extreme minority

This is complete bs. These people get worse and WORSE with every year.

BDP are the worst!! Try having one in your office--it's nuttiness constantly.

skip the "BPD" and just say asshole or vicious pig

No, it is not BS, R41.

The peer-reviewed research shows that by middle age, borderlines have often 'burned out' from their chaotic lives and they become less self-destructive. Many seek treatment for alcoholism, drug addiction and depression, medication for which helps control the mood swings and impulsivity.

That does not mean they become a picnic to be around, but what I said is factually accurate - the symptoms often lessen. Borderlines tend to be at their most unstable and at risk of suicide in their twenties.

A lot of "peer-reviewed research" is 100% pure junk. I know at least 7 of these types, and they are in the 50-60 age range and they have all gotten WORSE.

BPD is a mental illness! How evil of you all to disparage them and treat them as lepers! THey need help and your love and concern, not scorn!

I'm pretty sure one of my coworkers has BPD. She herself actually mentioned that she has it, though I don't know if she's ever formally been diagnosed and I doubt she's gotten treatment. I will try the medium chill technique. This girl is in her early twenties and the post at r39 describes her virtually word for word.

To her credit, I will say that unlike in the description at r39, she does have empathy. But she's paranoid, crazy, a drug addict, a liar, and so caught up in her own tazmanian devil tornado of drama and bullshit that her empathy doesn't count for much. Not sure how to deal with it. The bosses don't have to work with her directly and I just found out that she's been complaining about me to them behind my back. Now I look bad and I don't know how to manage things, because I often have to work alone with her and she either seems to hate or love ppl with no in between. She's talked about how she physically attacks people (her mom, her on again off again ex) when they piss her off, so I don't want to be on her bad side. Previously I tolerated her sound & fury so the crazy thing is that when she complained about me to our bosses she didn't even realize the impact that would have: she still thinks we get along great, and I'm still on her good side! But she's no longer on mine. Ugh.

R47, borderlines can empathise - but there is an agenda - if a borderline is showing you care and attention, be aware that this personality type is extremely, instinctively, manipulative with others, they are constantly trying to get their (excessive, pathological) emotional needs met. So any empathy you get from them, is going to have a hidden 'price tag', meaning, they are going to expect you to provide them with nurturing and support in return, which you may well find very draining and demanding.

Borderline is the worst. My mom seems to have it--never formally diagnosed

My bf's sister has something - she doesn't trust psychologists so will never seek therapy, yet she runs to doctors for every ache and pain she has but then won't take medication because she doesn't trust it.

She gets so caught up in the drama she creates that she's alienated a lot of people, including her brother and her own children. She is empathetic to the point where if someone is going through a hard time she feels it as deeply as they do and then their issue becomes all about how it makes her feel rather than what she can do to help them.

She is rude to strangers and I am surprised she hasn't been physically attacked for some of the things she's said.

She is also a compulsive shopper and I fear she may turn into a hoarder.

both of my sisters are total cunts and have BPD. I dumped them out of my life COMPLETELY two years ago and have no regrets. If they both died painful deaths in a grease fire I would find great pleasure.

It's a very personal choice to cut a family member off. I hope people consider it carefully before doing so.

Sometimes the people who so eagerly tell people, based on a few sentences, that they should cut themselves off from their entire family, well, the people giving the advice read like they are the crazy ones. Who knows? This isn't a good format for delving into it. Just be careful about breaking off long term relationships. The relationship may not be there for you a year later, if you realize you overreacted and regret it.

My sister is nuts. No borderline about. Also a chronic liar, thief, embezzler, genius, beautiful, highly charismatic, just like a lot of nutcases. I mean she is crazy. We suspect she may also have multiple personalities. Three. We've even named them.

One thing you wrote that really struck me was the intense anger when you call her on her bullshit. Constant lying you can't believe a thing out of her mouth. She's been associated with more than a couple of famous people and has eventually robbed them blind. She's even partied with Oprah, Kissinger, and convinced a television anchor she was qualified to be his assistant for a while. Even though she never even graduated from High School.

I love her a lot. Especially when I was growing up. As an adult I realize that I have to keep her at arms length. I don't discuss anything serious with her. I don't disagree with her. I try to help her when she bottoms out. Nothing much more I can do. In this day and age if a nutcase doesn't want help there really is nothing you can do.

I've always tried to convince her she should write a book. Due to her crazy she's had one of the most exciting, crazy, fun, sad, wild lives I ever known.

She's exhausting if you let her to deeply into your life though.

R53, wow! Did she murder your mother? If not, then never mind. She just sounds familiar.

R53, in case that hits home, please excuse me, I made that up, trying to be edgy and funny. But I did just make it up.

R52 I read you loud and clear. However, in my case, the relationships were never really there. I had given it a LOT of thought, spoke to a psychologist and a social worker, and they agreed that it would be self defeating for me to remain in contact with them. I have NOTHING to regret.

No. She didn't murder my mother LOL. Funny you should mention it. She'll often read about crimes, especially financial ones, and forensically dissect them. Going over how they got caught and what she would have done differently.

r47 here again. My coworker had about half a dozen emotional meltdowns today. I tried the "Medium Chill" technique mentioned upthread and it seems like a decent (the only?) option for dealing with people who are BPD but I am new to it and this woman keeps hooking and reeling me back into her drama. At one point I made the "mistake" of not responding to a comment she made and she absolutely went apeshit. At the end of the day she screamed at me to leave, and I remained calm on the outside but am just exhausted from trying to manage her insanity and still do my job. My immediate manager knows about this woman's issues but doesn't think it's a big deal. I asked the head boss to call me at the end of the work day so I can speak with her because the BPD coworker is, at this point, out to get me and has been making complaints and casting blame about me.

Up until a couple of weeks ago I actually loved my job. Loved all the people there. Now I don't see how it's possible to keep going to work every day and just get my job done when I have to work alone with this person. She's emotionally exhausting to be around, and I feel that she's trying to get me fired. She is absolutely paranoid that *she* is going to be fired and she seems to have a Battle Royale mentality where she wants to bolster her own credibility with the bosses and bash everyone else's.

The thing is, this is a crappy job. It doesn't pay well. I don't work full time, and I am a week away from getting to go on a long vacation that's been planned for several months. It wouldn't be the absolute end of the world if I got fired or if I get to the point where I feel like I have to quit, though I really really hope it doesn't come to that.

I am worried because I don't know how to get through the next week with this person, but I am fairly sure that if I can just manage to get through it, she'll most likely be fired by the time I come back from vacation in a few weeks. Because when I'm gone she's going to be working with other people and it's going to become really evident that she's insane.

This evening I'm going to talk to my boss and just tell her flat out what's been going on. I think/hope she'll recognize that I'm not being catty and that this isn't simply a case of two different personalities clashing. My coworker has a serious mental disorder.

Hang in there r58. Be consistent with your boundaries and she will move on. I am certain that my next door neighbor is BPD and the only thing that has somewhat kept the crazy at bay is to completely ignore her. No waving, no looking at her or her house when I'm outside, no discussing her with other neighbors.

You are fortunate you can leave her when you leave work. Or if it's family, you can simply not answer the phone or see them. When it's a neighbor, it is crazy town 24/7.

[R39] you just described my sister-in law. She saw a therapist for 2 years and the therapist stopped seeing her! She said "I can't help you if you refuse to do the work!".

She will not take any meds, stating "I don't want to be a zombie". She also says "I like myself! I like my chaotic life. It keeps things exciting".

She's a nutbag and we keep our time with her very short. She NEVER stops talking! It's exhausting.

Canadian or Mexican?

I had a therapist who advice with dealing with BPD is: don't. Don't engage, don't fight back, don't even communicate if you can possibly avoid it. It is always a losing proposition.

Since she is your sister, you may feel you have to deal with her in some really stripped down way, but my advice would be to do so only by sticking to the matter at hand and not engaging with her in any other way. if she goes off topic or accuses you of something, do not engage with it--stick to your talking points.

R58, if she is screaming at you, she may be creating a "hostile work environment". Look up (Google) that phrasing. If you mention that to your boss, it starts a process. You might not want to escallate it in this manner, but it is an option.

A few years ago I hired a Borderline. Within three months she filed a complaint that I was harassing and bullying her. It was nonsense of course, but the complaint had to be followed up on. We went through an internal investigation, outside arbitration, and ultimately the court system when she sued our company for not finding in her favor. It was the most humiliating experience I've ever had to deal with.

One characteristic behavior is to divide the world into friends and enemies, and spend their time trying to convince those who they perceive as friends to turn against those who they see as enemies by casting themselves as defenseless victims.

R64 is right, borderlines engage in what clinicians refer to as 'splitting' - borderlines are incapable of integrating the positive and the negative sides of other people, or, therefore, of assessing others in a mature and nuanced way. They 'split' significant others into two groups : nurturing care-givers / protectors, and persecutors / abandoners.

Borderlines are incapable of integrating the positive and the negative sides of other people, and their assessment others' character is therefore very immature and un-nuanced.

When the people they decide to idealise can't cope with their intensive demands and try and impose limits or end the relationship, this leads to the borderline feeling panic and anger about being 'abandoned' . They usually then dramatically devalue that person, often subjecting them to harassment and sometimes violence.

^ sorry for repetition, bad editing of a too long post

R58 here. Thank you for the suggestion, r63, but fortunately I spoke with one of the bosses/owners and she was receptive to my concerns and observations. She's still going to keep my coworker around because she thinks it's possible to make things work under the right circumstances --- but she agreed that it's obvious that when I work with the BPD woman we "stress each other out," so from now on our schedules will be such that we don't have to work together at all. Of course, I had to hold my tongue to stop myself from declaring "This will end in tears!" ...As long as I don't have to deal with the insanity anymore, I'm relieved to stand back and let them uncover the truth for themselves.

R64 and r65, your posts are really useful in defining some of the key problems with BPD. Those posts clarify things better than most of the formal definitions and descriptions I've been reading. My coworker totally splits the world into friends and enemies or protectors and persecutors. I know from her own admission that she's been violent with friends and family at home and I do worry that she'll potentially try to slash my tires or something if she gets in trouble at work and suspects I'm behind it. But again, I don't have to work with her from now on and I'll be gone on vacation for a month so that's plenty of time for her to forget about me and get herself fired.

R64 I'm so sorry you had to go through all that shit because of your BPD employee. What a terrible nightmare! After just a dozen hours with this person at work I am so exhausted. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be related to someone who's got BPD. I've read that people with the disorder are commonly litigious, and they're pathological liars and born manipuators so it's damned hard to clear your name. Thankfully my coworker spends all her money on drugs and cigarettes and couldn't afford a lawyer even if she did want to sue our workplace. And she's got a known history of drug abuse and rehab stints so she'd likely have a hard time winning a case in court because of it.

I don't think my coworker is a bad person. She's clearly living in a state of perpetual emotional distress and paranoia and has no capacity to understand that her emotional turmoil is separate from reality. But it's so draining to be exposed to her presence. Constant demand for attention and reassurance. Every problem, small or large, is the end of the world for her. Her efforts to forge an alliance with whomever she's with are so pathetic and transparent that you almost have to laugh. "Oh my god! You like vanilla yogurt? I eat vanilla yogurt all the time! We're like twins! You can tell me anything because I understand where you're coming from." She lies constantly, but she doesn't appear to do so with malice or forethought like a sociopath would. I think her lies are so effortless because she believes them fully in the moment, not because she's playing a long game con. OTOH, I can't stand the relentless onslaught of crazy talk and wish she could magically be teleported far, far away to some guru DBT therapist, so she could get help and I'd never have to see her again.

I have borderline personality disorder and bipolar. I do all I can to help myself. I have 2 therapists and a psychiatrist. I take all my medicine. I don't drink alcohol , I exercise everyday and try to do other positive things for myself to feel good. It's not an easy life but I do the best I can. I have a wonderful husband. My first husband left me and I work hard on the behaviors he complained about. My mom died after a long illness when I was 18, but there were other bad things before that. I cannot "help" that I have these disorders. All I can do is educate myself and do what my doctor/ therapists tell me. It is hard enough without coming here and reading such hateful comments. According to most of you I should just go live on the island of misfit toys. I know being gay isn't the same as having a mental illness,but it seems a group of people fighting for acceptance and fair treatment might be a little more sympathetic towards others who struggle. I am not mean or violent. I work to put other people's needs ahead of my own. I strive not to be selfish. I made my husband promise to tell me if I'm ever acting selfish or like a jackass. I work very hard with the hand I was dealt. Reading the comments here was very depressing and horrible but I will still keep trying and striving to be a person I can be proud of.

This isn't the forum for you, r68.

R64 here, and I would find it easier to have compassion if I hadn't been needlessly victimized by a Borderline. I'm glad R68 is making a life for herself, and I appreciate the difficulty of dealing with mental illness, but sympathy, I'm afraid not. Sympathy to a Borderline is as mother's milk.

R[68] I'm sure many of us with BPD people in our lives wish they could behave as you do. If my sister would seek help, accept help, accept her fault instead of blaming everyone and everything for her bad decision.... If she could stop drinking, using, lying, abusing people emotionally and physically, if she agreed to be honest in therapy and took her medication properly. If she even agreed to rehab or in-patient psych treatment in the short term. I'm sure others that sound exhausted share their feelings with me. If they were willing to work on themselves like it sounds you are we'd be willing to be there to help. But when in some situations (like my family's) they are even putting your life and professional reputation at risk some times, all that's left is to walk away. I have young children and I'd like the to be able to grow up with a mother who is not sick with anxiety over her sister instead of playing with them and giving them the attention they deserve. My mother deserves to be able to relax in retirement after so many years of being abused (physically and emotionally) when all she ever did was try to save her daughter. As my mom always says, we don't hate you, we hate your behavior/disorder/disease. May we all find some way to cope and move on.

Everything I read here is pretty much accurate. My sister splits, rages, is abusive, lies and manipulates in ways that never cease to shock and amaze us, will tell any lie in an attempt to destroy every relationship I have, and of course, it's all my fault.

Every little slight is WWIII, and half of those she makes up in her twisted little mind.

Thank god my wife and I live in a different state than she does because she lives (no exaggeration) for slandering me to anyone who will listen. I can't say how many family friends, acquaintances, and even relatives have accosted me to let me know how terrible they think I've been, when it's just my sister, again, lying up a storm and twisting everything to make her look like the victim when the fact is, she's simply exulting in destroying various relationships in my life. She's destroyed quite a few. This is particularly difficult because every so often with a family friend or relative I'll have to put out a fire she started (which by the way happens nearly every time I have to deal with her), but I can't use water because there's no way the people she's lied to can believe her lies could be that big. It's not that one thing is a demonstrable lie, it's that everything is a distorted half-lie and the final result is a nice character assassination. The times that I've tried to defend or explain myself, the truth that she could be lying so outrageously is in itself so outrageous that I wind up looking like an asshole. Try defending yourself by saying that someone else (who looks perfectly collected to them) is a mentally deranged lying psycho - you look crazier than they do! It's nearly impossible to navigate, and the result is many relationships in ruins. She lives in Oppositeland: every single thing she blames on us is what she's flagrantly, obviously, guilty of. It's absolutely impressive. Her hypocrisy is second to none. The way she behaved when my father died six months ago set a new record. It was her dream come true, the chance to stick and twist her cunning blades into everyone she despises the most - her family - while they were prostrate with grief. She was in heaven! Things she said and did felt actually slimy, like there was actual slime on our skin and we needed to wash it off; the relentless narcissism with the lies and sadism were I have to say fucking mind-blowing, not to mention painful and traumatic. I have waking nightmares of her leaning over my father's newly-expired body with a demon-face, like the face of the little girl in the Exorcist. There is no way to describe her tone of voice and the expressions on her face more accurately that to say, evil like a demon. Wicked is as wicked does. I'm going to support groups and therapists to try and work this shit through, but the sad part is, because of my little nephew (and God help him!), we will always have to deal with her. Every time we have to have a She stopped drinking six months ago - she's 47 - and it got worse, because she stopped self-medicating. For 25 years I thought I was an asshole but it was just her and my gullible self letting my head be filled with her lies. Don't believe their lies. My sister is a cunning, sadistic, lying bitch and if I could I would X her out of my life in a heartbeat, but she has a four year old angel of a son, so I can't. That doesn't mean she's above using him as a pawn and a weapon to wreak revenge and punishment on the rest of her family. She doesn't give a shit if it hurts the boy to be be alienated from the only family he has: her need to punish us outweighs any concern she could possibly have for him. It astonishes us to this moment; and we look forward to another few decades of this malevolent being wreaking destruction all around any chance she gets, and creating a few opportunities of her own out of thin air, to boot.

I love my sister, but I wish to hell I never had to see her again. In a world of bad choices, the Medium Chill is the best way I've found of dealing with her. She doesn't like but this way we get some relief from her cravings for chaos. It's sad.

Oh yes, and let me mention one other salient point: give the people who have to deal with BPD tools! We need them, badly. Just knowing there was this disorder made sense of all the chaos, the hurt feelings and the pain of accumulated years, decades even. Finding out about BPD was a revelation. I live to give my little nephew tools to deal with his psycho mom. I know it's delicate - so very delicate - but without them, he's lost.

The greatest tool is knowing.

Boundaries.

Not placating.

Medium Chill.

Good luck my friends. May the wind be at your back!

Have her committed

R72 I nearly cried when I read your post. You described my mother to a T! She does all she can to make our lives as awful as possible. All her kids have basically abandoned her. Only my father sticks around as he's gotten used to her constant badgering. And, my God, it's fucking constant.

Our greatest fear is that he dies before she does.

I think a lot of borderlines are actually psychopaths. They feign instability and loneliness because it can be used to manipulate people. I honestly don't believe a truly empty, lonely BPD person would constantly do horrible shit to other people and then act like they "can't help it."

bump

Avoid

If any contact, keep it to an absolute minimum.

I just broke up with my partner of 6 years. He has NPD. All of the behavioural traits mentioned previously. His father died when he was young.

I loved him very much and stuck with him as long as I could. It is so emotionally draining being with a person with NPD. I have patience in abundance, but when I realised I was so unhappy, I just had to get out of our relationship.

Exhibit A at r68. Guilt tripping random strangers on an anonymous forum about making her feel bad has to be the outer limit of insanity. Just wow.

Is it possible to become borderline after being exposed to it? I’m pretty sure my mother and sister are (all the women in my family in fact) and I wonder if I’m cursed with it too. I’ve been in therapy for years and have anxiety disorders.

It’s hereditary. A bunch of my relatives have it. Screaming, not hearing other people, jumping to all sorts of wild conclusions with no evidence. Her sister told me recently, “I tell myself she can’t hear me.” She’s not kidding. I’ve tried to have a conversation with her and I can introduce a subject twenty times. Every time, before I get to the point, either she changes the subject or just ignores what I’m saying like I’m not there and just talks over me.

We tried to do an intervention a while back and it was impossible because she just laughed off everything we said. She self medicates and she’s drinking again. My phone is full of, “How dare you suggest anything’s wrong with me, you evil monster.”

Sorry, that was referring to one person, but it’s generation after generation if the same sort of thing.

You can't force someone to see they're mentally disturbed and need help if they refuse to open their eyes and accept it. They can lose lovers and friends, jobs and opportunities, the respect of everyone around them and any chance of a future...and they'll still blame anyone and everyone but themselves.

Disengage as quickly as you can, if they won't medicate and attend therapy. Put your own happiness and safety, first because God knows it will NEVER cross their minds.