So here is the story. They dated for almost 9 years and eventually the relationship devolved into a friendship. He was not interested in my husband sexually.
Then we met, we fell in love, and 3 years later we finally got married. But this ex is still around, they text each other all the time, nothing sexual, just casual conversation. I don't hate his ex, in fact we get on quite well but sometimes I wish he would just stop being a part of "our life".
Am I being a bitch or do I have a right to say something?
You're not being a bitch but, no, you shouldn't be able to ask your husband to cut him out of his life. But since you are married, you should feel sufficiently comfortable talking out your feelings with him.
You need to bury these feelings, they're normal but not healthy, and they're no different from other manifestations of jealousy, mistrust, and possessiveness. If you say anything, it will be interpreted as a demand to choose, and the likely outcomes are at best secrecy and resentment going forward.
Of course you have a right to say something. Just watch what it is you say. As R1 said, you can't cut him out, and you should take pains to impress upon your BF that you know it's not a sexual relationship. And ignore the loon at R2. "You need to bury these feelings" is never good advice.
Thanks R1 I do feel loved by my husband. I know they would never get together again, maybe it just reflects more on me and my past relationships.
I will have a talk with my husband about it, but I don't want to come off as some possessive cow, I know they had a history together and his ex is not a bad person. I don't want him to feel like I am cutting him off from his past.
He's not an "ex" anymore; he's just a friend now.
I'd like to elaborate--
OP, I think it shows a depth of character when a person dates someone they would otherwise like to befriend--instead of the "hottest" person they can persuade to date them. And if the relationship ends, it likewise shows a certain integrity to treat your ex with respect and to sustain a sincere friendship with them.
This is a good thing--it's a sign of maturity. I'm always wary of rolling stones who don't have a single ex that they're friends with.
Have you considered a three-way?
Op, your feelings are like treasures..so bury them.
OP, it's a shame your self esteem is so low, but I guess that's why you have to define yourself by your relationship. I dare you to say something to your husband...he'll finally see you for the possessive nutcase you truly are.
I see the nasty cunts have arrived with their supposedly witty comments... I've already received some good advice above.
Consider what you would like to achieve by talking about it. Do you simply want to unload? Do you want assurance? Or do you actually hope for a change in his behavior?
Now consider what will actually happen. Will you feel more assured? Will it just make things awkward between your husband and his ex? Or will it actually make him cut his ex out of his life?
It sounds like you would prefer the ex to be out of your husband's life. You understand that the desire is neither rational nor reasonable, yet you would prefer that outcome anyway. Meanwhile, you don't want to come across as wanting that.
For those who extol the virtue of open communication, here's the pickle: communication will not work if you can't be honest about what you really want; it would simply be manipulation.
Instead of communication, sometimes reflection is the way to go.
Let me guess, OP: you're the youngest of the bunch, aren't you? Because your neediness and insecurity about what is basically a healthy relationship betrays a certain immaturity.
If you love your partner, you need to learn to respect him as he is - with his private space, his history, and the fact that he treats his ex with respect - a respect that I'm sure he extends to you and that you should learn to give back in kind.
Thanks R11, I will take that into consideration. And everyone else who has given me something to consider, thanks :)
Thanks R12... sometimes what I don't want to hear is what I need to hear. Thank you.
Glad you're taking this in the right spirit, OP. And talking of advices, r11 is excellent.
There are some very real red flags here. Your husband was dumped because his ex found him nice, but not sexually appealing. After 9 years.
The ex, who took nine years to finally listen to his boners, can't quite cut the cord. This is classic - and not in a good way. Leading someone on for nine years and then keeping things going platonically is really suspicious. Why doesn't the ex have friends? Ones that he hasn't fucked?
The problem is that if you try to quell this, you strengthen it. But, if you don't address it, you leave a framework in place that can threaten your relationship - when you two have problems, is the ex going to be a good person for your husband to lean on?
OP, listen to R16, he's the only one making sense.
Being friends with an ex isn't totally abhorrent, but BFF with an ex is 'off'. Totally off. If I dated someone who had a 'friend' like that they'd not even make it to serious relationship, let alone marriage!
You're a bloody fool for entering into a serious relationship with the kind of people who don't (sensibly) drop exes completely, or draw up clear boundaries. Face it, your husband still loves your ex. Not sexually, but platonically- which is more dangerous because it gives a lot of power to this ex. And he knows it. He doesn't fancy your husband but he doesn't want anyone else to have him completely. What a bastard. Also, by allowing this fucked up situation to continue, your husband has placed you in the second best category.
R7 nailed it. He must be a deeply selfish, weak person and I think you've made a horrible mistake marrying him.
Sorry, but I really do. My advice is to confront it and let the chips fall where they may, because sooner or later your resentment is going to come out anyway. If it's the end of your marriage- so be it- your husband is a selfish prick anyway. Take it as a life lesson.
I'm amazed you allowed such an unhealthy relationship become something as complicated as marriage.
Do you just love drama?
I'm mostly on the side with R17, although it's a little harsh.
If this was a straight couple, do you think a husband would like his wife's ex-husband to come around and hang out all the time? Do you think a wife would want her husband's ex-wife to hang out with them all the time as well?
Fucking no way would that ever happen. It's one thing to be friendly with an ex and another to be BFFs.
OP - this is not crazy jealousy or insecurity - you have a valid issue. He needs to move on and begin to phase that guy out of your everyday life. It's not normal, it's not healthy, and it undermines your relationship.
I think it's a good thing that people can end relationships on a positive note, but exes should (almost) never stay friends.
The memories and emotions from the past could always come back to haunt the new relationship. If the ex is around, listening to your bf about life problems, or giving advice as a "friend," you can imagine how things might get messy.
I'm lucky that my bf has NO desire to have any contact with his exes. He even said that if we ever broke up, he would cut me out of his life, too. I don't like that thought, but I can understand it.
I had the same issues with my first serious relationship. I know he discussed intimate details of our relationship with the ex and that did not sit well with me. Problems that should have been private between my boyfriend and me were discussed and I constantly heard that XXX says this and XXX says that.
I think one of the most disappointing things that happened was that my ex and I had made plans to go on a day trip to a place where we both had wanted to go. It was going to be fun to discover something together after always going places that he had discovered with someone else. I found out that he had decided to go there with his ex whilst I was busy with school. When we finally went, he kept telling me about things he discovered with the ex and he couldn't understand why this bothered me.
Op I have been with my partner for 25 years. We have a solid relationship. About 7 years ago he informed me he has been communicating with an ex of his who lives 1000 miles away. I am not happy about it but he won't stop either. Occasionally the ex comes into town to visit family and they have lunch together. I am always invited but choose not to go.
I have no eed to stay in touch with my exes but I choose to trust him and let him visit with him.
Friendships with an ex seem to be a rare thing. Most relationships don't end 'well' so it's nice to see your husband and his ex still care enough about each other to remain friendly.
So, if you think the friendship is intrusive to your marriage, then by all means discuss it with your husband. But be sure you can vocalize real reasons for the issue.
Otherwise, respect their friendship and appreciate the fact that you also have a friend by proxy too.
[quote]If this was a straight couple, [bold]do you think a husband would like his wife's ex-husband to come around and hang out all the time[/bold]? Do you think a wife would want her husband's ex-wife to hang out with them all the time as well?
I've known a straight couple like this for over 30 years. The woman & her ex-husband had an amicable divorce & maintained a sister/brother relationship -- the ex stayed single & is best friends with the woman & her current husband -- the kids of the current marriage grew up calling the ex "uncle" & his mom "grandma" -- all of the various in-laws love the ex & everyone spends family holidays together -- just one big happy family forever.
However, the 2 men are easy-going & the woman is a controlling bitch, so I'm sure that things would be entirely different if the ex were a woman from the husband's past.
OP, I am very much like your husband. I have continued friendships with both of my last two relationships. My ex of seven years and a younger guy I dated for a year or so. I have been with my current boyfriend for six years. I've made sure that my partner has gotten to know both guys along with my other friends.
My partner did come to me and explain that he felt uncomfortable about my friendship with the younger guy even though he was fine with my friendship with my ex of seven years. We were able to talk about the reasons and I changed the way I interacted with the younger guy because of it.
For me, having the conversation was absolutely the right choice. I'm glad my partner did it. Communication is essential. He's the best guy I've been with so making changes to an outside friendship was a small sacrifice in the end. And yes, I've maintained both friendships.
My husband of ten years and I are best friends with my ex of 20 years. There's nothing "off" about it at all.
OP, I think you ought not discuss this with your husband. There's no harm in their relationship.
By all means, OP, keep him around.
A few years from now when YOU lose interest in your husband sexually, the ex may come in handy.
I'm very good friends with an ex and have been for 22 years. I have zero sexual feelings for him but I respect him more than anyone I've ever known and he has the best sense of humor of anyone I know. I would never give up my friendship with him, good friends are tougher to find than boyfriends. He has no sexual attraction to me either.
OP it's quite common to love an ex and have no chemistry with them beyond friendship. It's just that society says "there has to be something sexual there". If your husband and his brother were constantly texting would you think that any day they are going to fuck?
I'm friends with my ex. We lived together for 8 years, and he's been with the guy he's with now for 20. I've never met his husband -- I moved out of town before they got together -- but the ex and I email and talk with some regularity. I never thought it was weird. I'm not sexually attracted to my ex, but he's a great guy and I love talking to him and having him as a friend. I assume his husband is ok with it; he's an adult, I assume he is.
When a couple has been together for 9 years, I think it moves beyond "dating".
I thought "let's be friends" meant that I refrain from telling everyone your habit of leaving a strawberry on my dick after fucking.
Thank god we played safe.
What R17 and R18 said.
[quote]they text each other all the time
Staying friendly - or even friends - with an ex is one thing, but that is too much.
When people start saying that there's no way two people can or should maintain a friendship after dating and that it's "unhealthy" or "wrong," it says more about who they are then the people actually doing it.
As far as OP talking to his husband about it... I'd be surprised if it ended well. If you know nothing's going on and you're not exactly asking for him to stop, what are you planning to achieve?
If you do say you want him to cut the ex out or limit his interactions and you don't have a reason to be suspicious, then you just come off looking like a possessive loon.
And if you just talk to him about it to say you don't like it, it will still probably annoy him and then he'll feel like you're always watching or monitoring him.
Oh, and he'll also likely tell the ex about it who will probably have an opinion about you. Who knows if that opinion will sway your husband against you.
I don't know if you like the guy - what's the problem? And if he's around to much just say something to your husband. You can limit it down if you want. No problem in that. But be careful, you must be clear (because you weren't really here) why you don't want the guy around as much. If its because you want to spend more alone time with your husband - that's a good reason.
This is why gay men can't have gay friends..
Hanging out with straight guys solves this problem.
I don't believe this is a case for "always" and "never". Some situations are over the top and some are not. OP, do you have specific complaints? Does your BF ignore you in favor of the ex? Does he discuss things that are private?
You need to do some soul searching to figure out just what it is that upsets you before you say something to your Husband. Don't just say that it bothers you. You must be able to be specific. Such as, it bothers me that you discuss the intimate details of our relationship. Or, it bothers me that you make plans with him to do something before finding out if it is something I would like to do with you.
If it is just jealousy and nothing real or intrusive, then you should reconsider speaking with him at all. Or, if you do speak with him, be specific about why it makes you feel jealous. Are you insecure about other aspects of your relationship? Does he take you for granted? Do they openly flirt?
Figure out what you want to gain from such a conversation - other than stopping them from being friends. Then, proceed openly but cautiously. Don't be accusative, or act like a wounded child. Be adult about it and discuss it in a constructive manner.
One approach, OP, is when you talk to your husband, to explain it.
You can tell him you aren't jealous, that you're glad his ex is part of his life. But tell him that there are things you'd like to be for just you and him. Draw some boundaries.
One of two things will happen:
(1) Your husband wasn't aware of how you were feeling, and he'll make some shifts.
(2) Your husband will get pissed or threatened. Which means YOU IN DANGER GURL.
Thanks for all the insights everyone. I don't feel threatened by his ex, otherwise I would never have married my husband. I just wanted to know if anyone else had a similar experience.
I am glad they are adult enough to be friends after a break up. The ex is not around all the time, and when he visits we get on well. I think I am going to talk to my husband but I'd never ask him to cut all ties because that is part of his history and they are friends.
Once again, thanks for the insights.
"OP it's quite common to love an ex and have no chemistry with them beyond friendship"
That's a bit of an oxymoron if he was your 'ex' partner as well. That being said,I sympathize with you op and r20. My very first relationship was with a man who was five years older than me and his 'ex' whom I'll call 'Walter' was fifteen years older than me. These two could do nothing without each other! Walter tagged along EVERYWHERE with us-sugar was not sweet unless Walter had tasted it first as far as 'my' boyfriend' was concerned. I'll never forget the time I asked 'my'boyfriend to go to a movie with me on my birthday. He said no because he was not interested in the movie. A few days later I asked him again to go see the same movie and there was a pause. Then he said," Um,I've already seen it-with Walter!" And like r20,I remember when I asked 'my'boyfriend to go on holiday with me for once since it seemed he went everywhere with Walter. A week later an unmarked envelope came in the mail addressed to me. When I opened it there were at least a dozen pictures of "my' boyfriend and Walter taken at various places all over the world! Apparently 'my' boyfriend told Walter what I said. This pattern went on for quite some time before I got the message that I was being played and that for some people there is a difference between having a 'friend' and having a fuck buddy. I was the sex and Walter was the 'friend'.
That was a crazy time in my life and I learned so much from it. Walter passed away about ten years ago and my ex is alone because he thought Walter could and would be everything to him. I admire people who can be friends with their exes, by my opinion of it is somewhat biased based on my own personal experience...
I've found that the only reason why an ex would want to remain friends is to keep tabs on you & to see how your life is or isn't progressing without them.
Forget that noise. They're an ex for a reason. Once I'm done I'm done.
OP, you're not being a bitch. You have every right to be tired of this.
Honestly, it's disrespectful for a person to be that close to their ex when they're with someone new. It's one thing to be on friendly terms, but texting and talking all the time??? Hell no. This is not going to end well. Think about it: When you and your husband go through a rough patch one day (and all relationships do), who do you think he's going to run to for comfort?
This is why I would not date/marry a man who continues to talk to an ex on a regular basis. If they're that damn close, they should've just stayed together.
I'm not getting a sense of how often they are in contact? Constantly, every night? That I would find a bit much. As far as I can see, you'll have to set a boundary with BOTH of them jointly. DO NOT suggest cutting back to your spouse alone, leaving him to pass that along to the ex; you'll be the villain.
[quote]So here is the story. They dated for almost 9 years and eventually the relationship devolved into a friendship. He was not interested in my husband sexually.
First of all, it was obviously not 9 years of "dating" if they are so close now; that was a relationship.
Second, do you really believe it took the ex 9 years to realize he supposedly wasn't interested in your husband sexually? Wake up and smell the coffee.
BINGO! We have a winner.
[quote]I was the sex and Walter was the 'friend'.
All the people on this thread saying it's healthy and normal to be BFFs with an ex are this person, whether they know it or not. And they call it adult, when for me it seems quite immature because it's an unwillingness to give your current partner everything of you, emotionally. That's selfish, and dishonest.
And no, I'm not saying people shouldn't have friends and should be only devoted to each other, but maintaining an intense relationship with an ex even when you have moved into something as serious as marriage, is wrong.
I smell a riotous FOX sitcom!
Didn't Fran Drescher already make a show outta this?
R43 Thank you. These people obviously are doormats and/or very naïve and scared to be alone.
[quote] ...it's an unwillingness to give your current partner everything of you, emotionally.
So is your boyfriend allowed to keep any of his friends when he starts dating you? How about family members? Pets? Clothes?
Nobody should be giving anyone "everything" of you; humans need different kinds of emotional relationships--romantic, amicable, familial, etc. Getting partnered shouldn't be like joining the marines, where you sacrifice every shred of your identity for the sake of the new collective.
Obviously from this board, maintaining relationships isn't for everyone--it requires a certain amount of maturity. And, let's face it, many people partner up for no other reason than convenience and sex. If that's all you've got, then cutting an ex off is easy--there was never any "there" there go begin with. But if you have real ties with them--cultural, intellectual, perhaps professional--then you make an effort to sustain that relationship.
And if a partner ever said--"when I break up with you, I'll cut you off too"--their shit would be in boxes on the curb tomorrow.
"And if a partner ever said--"when I break up with you, I'll cut you off too"--their shit would be in boxes on the curb tomorrow."
But no one is stupid enough to say that up front,r47. When 'my' ex broke up with me that was it-no more contact,no phones calls,no invites,nothing. Despite constant reassurances that there was nothing more to his relationship to 'Walter' and I was stupid to believe him! He had his friend in Walter,and when he tired of the sex with me,that was it-he already had his best friend and didn't need me anymore nor wanted my friendship. There are people like that in this world,who reserve a part of themselves for that special 'friend' and I was not it in that relationship and I know for a fact that no one could ever be for 'my' ex what Walter was to him.
I know that as a person you cannot be everything to everybody but 'your' partner should be mindful of your feelings when he his sharing everything with his 'ex'-that's why they are called 'exes',you know. If they get on so well and do everything they did as partners,then they should still be together and not date anyone else! Who wants to feel like/be the third wheel in a relationship that used to be sexual and yet is the same in every way except for that fact?
And thanks,r43,it sounds like you've been in my shoes as well...
good lord- my ex is my best friend, and though we *really* like each other, we were sexually mismatched and our relationship could never last. he's been in a new relationship for almost a decade, and i would NEVER sleep with him, or get between him and his boyfriend. i even make sure to limit the invitations to join them so i'm not a constant presence in their relationship but yeah, we talk and text quite a bit- not as much as they do with each other, though. seriously though if the boyfriend were even the teeniest bit jealous, it would be laughable. i no more want to be around my ex 24/7 than i did when we were together. let teh new guy have that job.
R47, you have reading comprehension issues.
Here is what I said
[quote]And no, I'm not saying people shouldn't have friends and should be only devoted to each other, but maintaining an intense relationship with an ex even when you have moved into something as serious as marriage, is wrong.
The second thing you did was hilariously predictable, and I called it but apparently, again you'd not read that when you said
[quote]Obviously from this board, maintaining relationships isn't for everyone--it requires a certain amount of maturity.
After I'd said
[quote]And they call it adult, when for me it seems quite immature because it's an unwillingness to give your current partner everything of you, emotionally. That's selfish, and dishonest.
Face it, if you feel the need to keep them that much in your life, rather than cut them out to avoid unnecessary confusion or (if suitable) keep contact to a healthy minimum or at least with CLEAR boundaries (i.e. not texting like you're married, not going out alone with just them, not insisting they join you and your partner for an akward non-sexual threesome) then you shouldn't have split up with them in the first place, and like 'Walter' above you're a selfish asshole who just wants to have their cake and eat it.
You think you're being mature, but I think R47 and people like you will always have a partner whose feelings are being ignored or who is too scared to bring them up and call you on your selfish bullshit.
You already have enough friends, you don't need to keep exes around for that purpose. Or maybe you don't and that's why you do?
You're emotional vampires, I suspect. Or you have an excessive ego that cannot allow you to admit you made a mistake, and so you fall back on the bullshit of 'let's be friends' and then actually do remain friends just to prove yourself right.
Like I said before, anyone that presents me with a 'present' Ex is not going the distance. As red flags go it's up there with the sudden appearance of a crack pipe.
R17, my husband and my ex do as much together as I do with him and that we all do together. It's just not an issue.