Prepare for the annual insulting infantizing of gay adults by straight people who ask "are you going home for the holidays?"
IM 52 YEARS OLD, ASS HOLE. My home is where my things are.
Just because I chose not to breed and focus my life on spawn, doesnt mean I dont have a home - and just because my family may look different than yours, dont patronize me.
It is an insult to assume that a single gay person is lonely or somehow still a child who has to go to mommie and daddy over the holidays or be sad and lonely.
We do just fine. So, instead of asking "are you going home?" just ask if we have plans... or what our plans are - if you have no boundaries and/ or are just too fucking nosy.
Or better yet, fuck off entirely and go to Toys R Us. We will likely be at the Met or a great dinner party with interesting people with interesting careers who travel and see interesting things.
So... you're really looking forward to dying alone and unmourned then I assume.
You might want to dial down the anger a notch, OP.
Well, we know why OP isn't going home for the holidays. If he/she goes off at a polite question from a co-worker Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Jeannie are really going to get an earful over the turkey and stuffing.
Or we might be home alone, posting on DL, watching
old movies. Just waiting out the holiday.
You've got one thing right . . . you are an a##hole. What possible responses could you be looking for? Most people get asked (and ask) that question of each other at the holidays. Sometimes going home is back to a place where good friends get together.
Could you be anymore of a victim in life?
OP admit it, no one has ever asked you this question. Everyone you encounter knows you are a bitter, nasty old coot. They go out of their way to not interact with you.
OP, take a deep breath. The anger you're spending on this just isn't worth it. Str8 couples are asked this question as well.
Are you planning on spending the Holidays at the baths?? Now, THAT's a question no one ever asks str8 people.
What did you wear for Halloween, OP?
Xanax and martini time, OP.
Oh, honey -- you don't get out much, do you?
When I lived in a big city, EVERYONE was from somewhere else -- subsequently, that question was asked of everyone who wasn't born there.
Home is often the place you're from, no matter how long you've been away.
What R10 said.
"... straight people who ask "are you going home for the holidays?"
OP, I think your workplace ruby red slippers and the stuffed Cairn Terrier are confusing them.
if the answers here were gender coddd it would show 100 percent frauen. Only the frauen see things this way.
Awwww poor OP, looks like we touched a nerve. What kind of person comes here and bitches like he did at R13 and then gets all pissy when no one else will join their pity party?
A frau, that's who.
OP/R13, you sound mentally ill.
R10 is correct.
You need therapy to deal with your severe mommy/women issues, old man.
OP posts this irrational and unfounded screed annually. Guess his life has not improved since last holiday season, and once again, his family has not invited him home.
And, no, OP, you don't have a be a frau to notice that in big cities full of transplants, everyone asks everyone about going home for the holidays.
OP is right and the rest of you are self-loathers. Gay people can be 50 years old and are still asked if they are going to their parents' for Christmas, which is never asked of hets.
R17 Reason why the term "self-loathers" has become completely meaningless.
I liked what OP had to say. When I was in ACOA (gay & lesbian), people started whining at meetings in September about how "Ohhhhh...I HAVE TO SHARE ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS. Even though I'm an adult, I HAVE TO GO AND VISIT MY FAMILY FOR THE HOLIDAYS."
I was always, like, "No, you don't. You're CHOOSING to go." But the whining continued through Christmas.
Eventually, I gave up on ACOA.
[quote]which is never asked of hets.
What planet are you from? Everyone gets asked what their plans are. This is usually phrased in a variation of "are you seeing your family?", which, straight or gay implies extended family. As another person upthread stated, "are you going home?" simply means "are you going to your hometown where your extended family presumably still resides".
All of this gets asked of everyone at this time of year and it's not meant to belittle or deny the existance of anyone's spouse or partner or sexuality. These questions are only insensitive in the sense that many people don't have a family to go home to. I feel far worse for only children with two dead parents or (often gay) people who have been disowned who awkwardly smile and stutter out some vague euphemism just to be polite than some stupid, silly queen who presumes his gayness is being dismissed and has a big hissy fit over nothing.
The level of over-reaction is stunning.
r1, you are a weirdo.
"Going home for the holidays" is not a straight/gay divide.
It simply means are you going to go back to wherever you mother and father (or mother or father) still live.
OP obviously has anger issues. Creating a problem when there isn't one. But don't worry OP, nobody cares where you're going and nobody is going to ask you about it.
Weird, I thought I typed OP you are a weirdo.
Sorry, r1. You are right, not a weirdo.
OF COURSE it's asked of "the hets"!!
It's a simple way of asking if you are traveling back to where your parents live for the holidays, not implying that you don't have a HOME where you live...
Good GOD, OP. Talk about, wait for it,
I think your anger is way extreme, OP. The world is filled with clueless (but often well-meaning)people.
I don't even worry about that kind of shit. As both a non-religious Jew and an atheist, I always just say, "I don't celebrate the holidays." Which is true.
R20 is right, as are many other posters here.
OP is the also the OP of the thread below. Sounds like he's much older than 52 and off his meds.
Whats crazy is OP considers where he lives "home" and thats also where he spends his holidays. So if someone asks if he is going home for the holidays he can give an honest answer, say yes and shut the whole conversation down right there. Problem solved. But no. He would rather pitch a fit, whine and bitch and moan and create a problem where none exists. I will never understand people who prefer to stew in their own misery.
oh dear. thanks to troll-dar i now know that this op has a weird fixation with "casting" different ethnic groups in classic films.
what an odd bird.
I agree with a lot of what the OP is saying, however I'm not quite that unhinged about it. I probably used to be, though.
I used to get annoyed at intrusive questions about the holidays. I don't celebrate Christmas but love Thanksgiving.
People do ask rude questions about the holidays. They also assume that everybody celebrates the holidays. They assume that for everybody the holiday season is a happy time. Most people are clueless that there are people who aren't like themselves out in the world. After a while, it does get really tedious.
When I was younger when asked why I didn't celebrate I'd answer very truthfully about being physically abused as a child over the holidays or that I was an atheist and people asking the question obviously weren't prepared to hear an answer like I'd give.
Now I just ignore the questions. It's just easier and I no longer feel the need to be a dick about it, mostly because it does nothing to change the thinking process of those who buy into the bullshit we're fed about the holidays being joyous time for everybody.
OP reminds me of the poster who got in a snit when people in his office would say "God bless you" when someone sneezed.
Doesn't it seem very similar?
(Also similar, at least in easy indignation, to the guy who didn't want to push the elevator buttons.)
My married hetero sister and my single hetero sister (40, 38 respectively) both "go home" for Christmas. As do I, a partnered gay guy (34). How weird to be so pissed off over such a benign question.
I wonder if Janet Jackson feels infantilized when people ask her if she's going home for the holidays.
Excellent post at R30.
And I agree with the OP and R30, even though I would not state it the way the OP states it and without the extreme anger.
Both the OP and R30 make accurate, pertinent points.
Actually, r34, the OP is dead wrong. "Are you going home for the holidays?" is a question asked of EVERYONE, not just single gay people, or even just single people.
And both the OP and r30 seem to have some social retardation around the concept of polite small talk. Just as, outside of close friends, nobody really wants to know all the grisly details of how you're doing and what's wrong in your life when they ask "how are you," nobody's really probing for details or expecting some massive outpouring of holiday cheer when they ask about your holiday plans, either. They're just making small talk, and a simple "I'm celebrating here in my own home," or " Oh, I don't really celebrate the holidays" or even , "Ugh, I hate the holidays (which is really NOT such an uncommon sentiment), and my only plan is to ignore them," will suffice, and you can then move on to another topic. No big deal.
r35 is right. OP is insane. EVERYONE is asked if they are 'going home for the holidays'. EVERY ONE.
Straight, gay, fat, thin, young and old.
It is a simple, common question asked around this time every year.
The frequent question is NOT 'Are you going HOME for the holidays?' at all.
That's only the question if you are a college student, or in your 20's in age, or perhaps in your early 30's.
The common frequent question is 'What are you doing for the holidays?'
Very few people ask anyone over the age of 35 'Are you going HOME for the holidays?'
And then after Thanksgiving and Christmas, people at work drive you crazy by impinging on your privacy, being annoying, intruding on your personal life by never passing up a chance to ask 'How was your holiday?' 'How was your Thanksgiving?' 'How was your Christmas?'
[quote]I wonder if Janet Jackson feels infantilized when people ask her if she's going home for the holidays.
Nope. She loves the question. Her only decision is which one of her palatial estates she will be visiting.
OP is clearly angry and hurt that he either doesn't have a "home" to go to or he is not welcome there. It's a classic case of protesting too much.
[quote]Very few people ask anyone over the age of 35 'Are you going HOME for the holidays?'
People of all ages get this question—or, at least, Are you traveling over the holidays— if they live somewhere other than where they grew up.
[quote]people at work drive you crazy by impinging on your privacy, being annoying, intruding on your personal life by never passing up a chance to ask 'How was your holiday?' 'How was your Thanksgiving?' 'How was your Christmas?'
Yes, it is such a huge violation of one's privacy to have to say, "Good, thanks; how was yours?"
My mom asked me what I'm doing for Christmas, hinting that I should come home. I simply told her I haven't decided.
R40, 'Are you going HOME for the holidays?' is radically different from 'Are you TRAVELING over the holidays?'
The fact that you do not know the difference shows you are rather out to lunch.
Home in this context means where your parents live. The insensitivity is to orphans, not homosexualists.
People travel a lot during Thanksgiving and Christmas, but a lot of people are not traveling HOME during those times - they're taking vacations to the Caribbean, to ski resorts, to warm weather locations, to NYC, to Europe.
First of all, 'Are you traveling home?' is not a frequent question and secondly, many people have dead parents.
[quote]We will likely be at the Met or a great dinner party with interesting people with interesting careers who travel and see interesting things.
Much more likely is that OP will be hissing at all parties uninterested in his creepy steamroom trolling.
[quote]Just because I chose not to breed
Doubt it was a choice but good for the unborn regardless.
Going home for the holidays is just odd. My home is here where I have made my home.
I want to spend the holidays with r33.
R1, he already has.
I ask everyone that but I`m 31.
So OP, are you going home for the holidays?
I want to go to the OP's house for the holidays.
I don't mind people asking that, but what I DO mind is my 92-year-old mother still treating me like I'm in high school. (I'm 61 and retired.) I think it's because I've never had a family (spouse/kids) so our relationship hasn't really evolved.
R54 yea, I can see how that would be annoying. But you know, there are a lot of 61 year olds who wish their mother was still around to treat them like a high school student.
I never ask anyone what they're doing for the holidays. I don't care. Why would anyone care? I've never asked, "Have you got all your shopping done?" "Have you put your tree up?" or anything like that. I don't find it intrusive, it's just boring. I don't give a fuck if half the lights are out on your Christmas tree or if your car knocked down ornaments or if you baked cookies. If I had my way I'd spend November through April in Fiji.
Whenever I was asked if I was going home for the holidays when i lived in NYC I would say, "I live here. This is home. I am like, [italic] so there [/italic].
Cat, not car.
[quote][R40], 'Are you going HOME for the holidays?' is radically different from 'Are you TRAVELING over the holidays?'
Sorry to get you all in a lather, r42; yeah, sure they are different questions—though unless you are going for the Mary of the Year award, I'm not sure the word "radically" belongs anywhere in a conversation about pro forma holiday chitchat—but the former is in fact asked quite frequently of people of all ages, orientations etc, if they happen to live somewhere other than their hometown, and especially if the asker knows they've got extended family, childhood friends, etc. whom they occasionally travel "home" to visit. Not really a big deal to those of us who can handle simple, ordinary social interactions (Is it really that hard to say, "Actually, no, I'm staying in town/heading for the beach/vacationing in Europe/sitting in front of my computer with just a bag of cheetos and my cum rag for companionship"? ) without seeking out all possible opportunities to take offense.
Angry OP, do you live away from where you grew up? If so it is a perfectly reasonable question. I no many straight people here in LA and I ask them if they are going home for the holidays all the time. Home for the holidays is pretty much a cliche OP. Hell it's even the title of a movie. Calm the fcuk down and we'll see you on your next thread complaining about baby stroller blocking the aisle. Freak.
Question for those who find it intrusive to be asked if you had a nice holiday: Are you closeted? Is that the real issue here? Do you suspect that everyone who asks about your holiday is secretly trying to ferret out information about your sexual orientation?
No one thinks it is intrusive to be asked if you had a nice holiday, moron at R61. Typical of the fish who want to higjack the narrative or are incapable of staying focused on the original question.
For me it all comes down to the assumption that we all celebrate Christmas and some of rudeness I have had directed at me when I've made the mistake of answering the question What are you doing for Christmas?
When I've told people I don't celebrate Christmas, the majority of people won't leave it at that. I've been subjected to all kinds of rude comments over the years and for a while was just as rude back to people, but that got old.
I used to get a lot of "I didn't know you were Jewish."
One of my favorites is "What are you some kind of Grinch?" or "What's wrong with you, everybody loves Christmas?"
I've had friends who refuse to accept the fact that I don't celebrate and have been told "You can't spend Christmas by yourself" and will hound me to no ends for me to agree to come and spend Christmas with them and their families which to me is a special kind of hell. Everybody is always uncomfortable.
It just gets really old that people can't respect my wishes and beliefs and insist on my participating in something I don't believe in or want any part of. I don't begrudge anybody who does celebrate from enjoying the day. When I worked in places that were open 24/7, 365 days a year, I always made a point of volunteering to change shifts with single mothers who were stuck working. But even that would turn into a bunch of BS when somebody would complain about it because I wouldn't trade with them.
It's next to impossible to escape the holiday stuff even if you want to opt out of it.
OP is really overthinking this innocuous question, which is also asked of straight singles.
You have issues.
Just what do you call this, closet-case moron at r62:
[quote]And then after Thanksgiving and Christmas, people at work drive you crazy by impinging on your privacy, being annoying, intruding on your personal life by never passing up a chance to ask 'How was your holiday?' '
Or, do you believe that poster was also trying to "higjack" this otherwise-scintillating thread?
R63, I worked with an older woman years ago who would spend every Christmas in Florida with her husband. She went there to get away from all the holiday hoopla because it got her depressed. Their teenage son had committed suicide right before Christmas years earlier. Everyone knew the story and left her the fuck alone.
Maybe you should make up a reason like that to tell people when they harass you. Tell them your twin brother committed suicide on Christmas eve years ago and you just can't be around all that holiday cheer. Bonus---it'll make those intrusive assholes feel bad for even asking you.
SOMEone needs some Sanka decaffeinated coffee!
You Know Who!
This thread is filled with elderly gays who clearly need to change their tampons.
My god there are some angry, touchy people on this thread.
OP, people wish me merry Xmas and I'm Jewish. Used to bother me that the assumption was everyone was Xtian but I've mellowed and no longer give a damn. I suggest you do the same.
Hey, OP... I'm on your lawn.
Home is where I live.
My mother us still alive, but she lives in FL and I wouldn't be caught dead there. Aside from being a crime-ridden red state, she moved to the middle of nowhere, so there's no ocean and she has no pool. She sits around watching Fox News all day long and praying the rosary. No thanks.
It is so interesting to see the hostile responses of Frauen, who become so threatened anytime anyone implies he does not buy into their contrived bullshit around "family" and "holiday." The cruelty they project not just to those who take actions to avoid them, but who even mention that there are people in the world - yes, largely males - who experience these social rituals differently is astounding.
It is ok to get your needs met by reinforcement of some contrived social structure such as marriage and children, but why force it on others or make them feel less than because they have other choices.
Ive never seen a thread whose responders could be more easily marked by gender (and accompanying hostility) as this one.
No emotionally secure 52 year old is concerned about being "infantized," no matter what horrid expressions of holiday cheer are thoughtlessly hurled his way.
R74= defensive// aggressive mean-spirited frauen. Has to dig and attack because she feels exposed and fears the marginalization she desperately wants to apply to someone else before someone applies it to her.
The sheer volume and intensity of personality disorders on display in this thread is breathtaking.
Seek help or find some perspective.
[quote] [R74]= defensive// aggressive mean-spirited frauen. Has to dig and attack because she feels exposed and fears the marginalization she desperately wants to apply to someone else before someone applies it to her.
All that from a simple, factual observation? MARY!!!
Wow, r75. Who are you on the Datalounge Facebook page, please, so I can go and make fun of your profile picture?
OP has more issues than a doctors office waiting room...
Other person: How was your holiday?
Me: Boring. Yours?
They proceed to talk about their holiday. I don't really listen.
When they finish talking
What is home? And what is Thanksgiving? Is it a day to give thanks that you're not being raped and beaten?
If the people in your office feel like they can come be chatty with you about their boring ass families then you're doing something wrong. Work harder on scaring them off completely.
Exactly, r81. The vast majority of people who inquire about your holiday don't really want or expect many details. They are just trying to be polite. If you don't care to discuss the subject, a vague, one-sentence answer ("Just planning to relax—how about you?" "Had a nice time, thanks; you?") will suffice. The worst thing that might happen is that you'll be subjected to the boring details of the other person's holiday.
And if you don't celebrate at all, nobody will bat an eye at "Oh, I don't celebrate the holiday, but I hope you did/do enjoy it." Most people really are NOT trying to force you to feel the same way about holidays that they do; they just want to be pleasant, make polite small talk and, ironically, avoid the possibility that they'll offend you if they don't display a little bit of interest in your life. You have to have a shitload of issues, including a serious victim complex, to view such mundane and largely meaningless exchanges as minefields of hostility, offense, and homophobia.
SO, how is your bowel movement coming along now that you are pregnant?
Gee, can I rub your belly and feel it?
So, what kind of diet and fitness program are you planning to go on to loose all the weight gain?
You must be horny as hell, since I bet your husband quit wanting sex with you months ago?
[quote]The vast majority of people who inquire about your pregnancy don't really want or expect many details. They are just trying to be polite. If you don't care to discuss the subject, a vague, one-sentence answer ("Just routine —how about you?" "Having a nice time, thanks; you?") will suffice. The worst thing that might happen is that you'll be subjected to the boring details of the other person's pregnancy.
It is ridiculous for a grown adult who has made their own home to call their parents' place "home". When you were kids, did your parents refer to your grandparents' place as "home"? Of course not. Your home is the home you live in and have made for yourself, just like theirs is. I do not go to my parents' place for the holidays because we are not close. I stay home. Sometimes I'll celebrate with people who are also in the city, and sometimes I'll just hang by myself. So yes, it does feel intrusive when people ask about my holidays because if you don't give them the expected answer, they pity you, and it is an awkward feeling.
Then learn to get along better, R86. We can't all tiptoe around basic conversation because people like you aren't stewing at home alone 24/7.
Heaven forfend you should ever feel awkward, R86.
And yes, when we went to visit her parents, my mom did say, "We're going home to see the folks."
But OP, you could never create the kind of home a non-penised human can. A woman's touch is inimitable.
>>So, what kind of diet and fitness program are you planning to go on to loose all the weight gain?
It's ridiculous for a grown man to say loose when he should say lose, r85.
So, OP, how's the umbrage twenty-four hours on?
R85, what pray tell is your point?
[quote]It is ridiculous for a grown adult who has made their own home to call their parents' place "home". When you were kids, did your parents refer to your grandparents' place as "home"
Of course not, but if they'd moved away permanently from their hometown (which unfortunately they did not), I could see them referring to the town in general as "home." It's a very common convention, as in the saying "You can't go home again," the expression "homecoming," or the book title "Look Homeward, Angel," to cite just three of a zillion examples.
[quote] So yes, it does feel intrusive when people ask about my holidays because if you don't give them the expected answer, they pity you, and it is an awkward feeling.
Are you sure you're not projecting? I's kind of hard to believe you can't say "I'm going to stay in town and relax and see friends" or whatever, without creating an awkward situation.
BTW, weirdos, you're allowed to LIE a little about your holidays if you feel the truth will incite pity or provoke questions you don't want to answer; for instance, it's really okay to say, "The holiday was great, thanks," even if it sucked donkey balls.
I swear this place is the world headquarters for autism spectrum disorders and general social dysfunction. Only among DLers could a simple question about holiday plans or request to push an elevator button leave people quaking with rage. Friday afternoons and Monday mornings must be weekly social nightmares for you freaks, what with all those evil, malicious bastards inquiring about your weekend plans!
R92, I never said it wasn't common. I said it was ridiculous. I realize it's extremely common, as I live in the world.
I'm 40 years old, and my mother still makes me sit at the kids' table at holidays because I don't have a family. My younger brother and sister get to sit at the adult table since they are both married and have kids. It makes me feel marginalized because I'm gay and not considered a serious adult. Do you think I'm being too sensitive?
I confronted my mother over it last year and she said that there isn't enough room and it wouldn't be right to ask my in-laws to at another table.
[quote] [R92], I never said it wasn't common. I said it was ridiculous. I realize it's extremely common, as I live in the world.
You said it was "ridiculous for a grown adult to refer to his parents' place as home." Since no one actually does THAT, it's not common at all—which apparently even you recognize, since your next two sentences were
[quote]When you were kids, did your parents refer to your grandparents' place as "home"? Of course not.
If you want to make the point that "home" as in "hometown" is ridiculous, you need to communicate that more clearly. But, really, can't you think of something better to complain about?
[quote]I'm 40 years old, and my mother still makes me sit at the kids' table at holidays because I don't have a family. My younger brother and sister get to sit at the adult table since they are both married and have kids. It makes me feel marginalized because I'm gay and not considered a serious adult. Do you think I'm being too sensitive?
No, I think you're a troll. But on the off chance your story is true, your mother is an asshole, which is something specific to her, and not indicative of all of Western society's general attitude toward gays during the holiday season.
Wow, it never occurred to me to be insulted by that question.
Although those years wasted - when I could have had something else to dread about the holiday season.
Wow, r94. Grow. A. Spine.
Boundaryless people tend not to have boundaries, R97
idea for a new thread - other nebulous non-offensive questions that make DL go ballistic.
Any $18 enabler feel free to leap in...
[quote]Are you closeted? Is that the real issue here?
I think you are on to something.
Are you really this concrete, OP, 52 year old, asshole?
R94, I'd stay home. Your real home. Where your stuff is. Where your dog and/or cat live.
OP, these comments are called small talk. No one cares what the answer is.
Infantizing is not a word.
neither is O.
OP has a big pink chip on his shoulder.
Wow: a mite tetchy, aren't you OP?
Have any of you nitwits thought that maybe people ask you about your holiday plans because they realize you're estranged from your parents/siblings and would like to offer you a meal and a place to park your ass outside of your own home for a couple of hours? With no judgement and no ulterior motive.
The drama llama does not have to be called all the time.
[quote]neither is O.
Are you really this stupid?
Well, let's see, R16 = R35 = R40 = R59 = R61 = R65 = R78 = R84 = R92 = R95 = R96 = R110...
Looks like OP hit a nerve on you, sister. You must be one of the ff who does just what he noted. (troll dar is our friend.)
Op's an idiot.
Yes, genius, I'm familiar with troll-dar, and aware I wrote all those posts—each of which is a reasonable, common sense response to the hysteria of the OP and a few other twisted cranks in thread. Your point was ...?
If you arent living a miserable life of man and wife, babies, and dreary suburban monotony, you are nothing.
If it really boils down, in your mind, to that, r114, I honestly pity you.
R115 has reading comprehension issues.
r114 explain your comment then.
It appears you are saying that anyone who is happy with a partner and a child is an idiot, and bored.
It appears you are saying that gay people are not (1) single and (2) defiantly UNLIKE straight people in surface ways are more authentic.
I would guess you have used the word "heteronormative" in your life, non-ironically.
^^ gay people WHO are not single ^^
My guess would be that r11 was trying to make some loony-tunes point along the lines of "If you think it's no big deal to ask people about their holiday plans, you must be a right-wing 'family values' advocate!"
Which is just as stupid as my possibly wrong interpretation, r119.
It IS NO BIG DEAL when people ask people about their holiday plans, and has nothing to do with being a creepy 'family values' person.
[quote]Which is just as stupid as my possibly wrong interpretation, [R119].
Agreed; that's why I called it "loony tunes."
OP, touchy much?
Looks like you are still trying to make peace with yourself on this subject.