I have a few friends who have done this over the years and it just never seems worth it to me. My friend Todd married a guy ten years ago who has a lot of money -- along with severe untreated ADHD, an alcohol problem, and a jealous, controlling nature. I asked him how they got together and Todd said he was turning 40, his mom and dad had died, his painting wasn't really taking off, so he decided to take the guy up on his offer of life in grand style.
Another friend was kept for a decade by his sugar daddy who had severe emotional problems, and an alcohol problem that led to his death He gave this guy, Dan, total freedom. He could even keep lovers on the side. After the wealthy guy drank himself to death on their tenth anniversary, Dan was left completely out of the will and threatened by the old man who controlled the money.
So Todd is still living with his husband and Dan is alone now, back working, not as young as he used to be.
Does anyone know of a person in a relationship based on financial security rather than love that is happy?
I sure don't.
There's always a catch
I don't understand - the guy died and didn't have control over his money? Who is the old guy?
I know 3 guys who have done this. One guy was just tired of going through boyfriends and wanted to settle down and be secure. He seems partially checked out of life - but the other guy doesn't really have that much money, just stability.
Another has a drug problem and lives with a successful older architect, who is the most amazing guy on earth. About 12 years older - but witty, sophisticated and sexy. He should thank his lucky stars he has him, but he doesn't.
Third guy is a friend from college - not really up to date with him but I see on Facebook he's with an older heavier man. My old friend is in good shape and it's a BIG visual disconnect. I know he was struggling as a writer in New York and now I see him on trips all the time that he could never afford. He looks dead inside from his pictures.
Point is - I think it steals away your self-esteem when you're a man. It's kind of expected for straight men to have trophy wives, but for gay men it can be suspect.
I dated someone 12 years older, but I look about 5 years younger for my age, so the difference looked more extreme. I saw gay guys looking at us at bars and talking about us all the time. I felt like they thought I was hired or obviously in it for the money. It was a really shitty feeling.
[quote]Does anyone know of a person in a relationship based on financial security rather than love that is happy?
Not one - and that goes for straight couples, too.
I know a few guys who married major cunts from good families.
The love of my life married an Israeli woman for five thousand dollars so she could get a green card. That made me wonder how much he thought our relationship was worth in dollars and cents. I have no idea if they got caught by the INS for perpetuating a fraud. Or how much he charged her to get a divorce. Five thousand seems really cheap considering you risk doing prison time.
My ex is trying to do this. She has the ability to make plenty of money, but that would require actual effort, and when we were breaking up she told me she was seeking a "benefactor" which, she said, was unlikely because she's 40, overweight and a lesbian, but she keeps trying anyway.
This was around the same time she told me I was a bad partner for failing to buy her a $3000 purse - because women of her "age and social status usually have $3000 purses."
R1 You need to pitch that to Logo as a potential series (scripted or reality, either way would work.)
My sister-in-law married my brother for money. I think it gave him a feeling of security, knowing she would never leave. I suspect she initially thought of it as a short term investment, but she could never quite get things arranged so that she could get out profitably.
Now ten years down the road, she gotten her adult kids (and their families) on the dole along with her. So everyone seems content with the current arrangement, though there are clouds on the horizon.
My brother may be forced to move across country to keep his job or retire early. He would love to retire, but she wants him to keep working. However, she refuses to move.
[quote]I don't understand - the guy died and didn't have control over his money? Who is the old guy?
Apparently not. Dan lived with a side piece in a house the rich guy (who was in Seattle) bought for him in Boca Raton. There was a lot of family money from a high end electronic company called Magnolia that they sold. Dan's side piece Boca boyfriend was paying half the non-existent mortgage to Dan (Cheap Bastard!). When he found out the side piece went straight to the rich guy in Seattle and told him he would out him to his right-wing father if he didn't give him back everything he had paid Dan, and then some. He got his money. Now chastened, Dan started decorating a fancy condo in downtown Seattle for the rich guy but then the rich guy went into a coma from drinking, and he died. (He was a nice guy too.) The rich guy's father found Dan at the downtown condo and told him to get out of Seattle and that if he ever saw him in town he would have him "taken care of." Dan split town and found a temporary millionaire somewhere else. He was now in his 50s and not the drop dead gorgeous guy he had been even through his 40s but still handsome. And extravagant. The recession hit and the temporary millionaire couldn't keep up. He broke up with Dan, who quickly was broke. He never saved a dime of the millions he had received over the years.
It always seems to end in tears.
I assume you all made up after the vacation/expensive car incident?
R9. If you're referring to a post of mine from about six months ago where I took a road trip with my rich ADHD friend, you have a good memory because that's who I'm talking about, and no. We never made up. In fact, he told me afterwards that his husband, one of my best friends, would not be my friend either and, sadly, that too has come to pass.
I have a friend who married a man worth about 80 million. She is 41, and he is in his late 60s. He is morbidly obese, and she is thin and attractive. I'm sure that she started out with him just for the cash, but she seems to really love him now. She totally dotes on him. I would think that this would happen to a lot of people.
R10, I posted on your other thread as well.
But if you've broken with them, why do you still worry yourself about their relationship?
Hell R12 I'm doting on your friend's husband and I don't even know him!
I have a friend who married an old, crazy dude for his money. He's also a famous artist and I think she's impressed by it. But he hits on her friends in front of her, and they both have drinking problems. She seems happy otherwise.
I wonder if it's easier for women than men? It seems women care less about looks and attraction than men do. And being taken care of helps.
I would do it, but I would work out my own prenup to protect myself in case of divorce and have some clauses in there about his will.
oops meant R11
I'm getting dizzy just thinking about all that money.
It is as good a reason as any.
[quote]But if you've broken with them, why do you still worry yourself about their relationship?
Good question. I guess I've been thinking about them lately.
If you posted on the other thread, you probably remember that I cared a lot and I do miss them.
My artist friend in that marriage hinted about suicide a few years back. The stress of living with a crazy man. All that money. And suicide?
I'm also a selfish person. Maybe I'm congratulating myself for not being governed by the almighty dollar when it came to my love affairs.
I do remember that--and the infamous chef's table incident.
But I think ruminating on other people's problems is a really unhealthy form of escapism. How's your life? How's your relationship with your partner, or if you don't have one, how is your search for a partner going?
These are much more exciting topics, and ones that you can actually have a hand in developing. Will the ex-friend choose suicide over leaving the wealthy husband? Will wealthy husband ever take meds? It's fun to speculate, but not if it's bringing you down.
I think you can be chaste in your communication with them while still keeping the lines open, in case ex-friend would like to reach out to you in the future, by sending an occasional card for birthdays, etc.
Do gay guys really have the same opportunity to "marry for money"?
The wealthy guys I I know are professionals who are married to their careers. And if they're looking for a partner, they're looking for the same: a grown up who is educated and has a career. Not some aging party boy.
Wow, you remember the Chef's Table Incident, ha ha. They have actually gone on to become part of the "participaudience" on that "chef's" shows and you can see them if you watch (I never have). They've been in a couple of them. Look for a tall thin handsome Nordic guy sitting next to a guy who looks like Uncle Fenster from the Addams Family.
I guess I'm a ruminating kind of guy. Unfortunately, the Nordic guy wrote me that he is dealing with prostate cancer. I love him and worry about him.
Will Fenster take his meds? Survey says "nope." Has Nordic guy found a way to deal with him. I think so. They've been together a long time now.
Sorry. I mean Uncle Fester for the Addams Family fans.
I think the type of people we're talking about don't really have careers: most of them seem to have inherited their money. The one couple I know like this--the older guy (by 30 years) was the great-grandson of a famous 19th century industrialist. No one in his family had worked, or had any sort of career, in the 20th century. The younger guy was broke, good looking, and in his 20s when they first hooked up.
The 40 year old has pc? Very sorry to hear that.
Zaza Gabor, Candy Spelling, and most Hollywood Hives
You can always take a lover in the afternoon.
But then you feel your innocence slipping away. Don't believe it's coming back soon.
Belle du Jour
R18 - a girl posting advice for other girls.
Anyone who marries for money will earn every cent of it and not in a good way.
I am 40. At my age, I could date someone into their late 50s, maybe early 60s. I cannot even imagine dating someone in their 40s and 50s when I was in my 20s though. I would have been disgusted. I have no idea how young people (like Calvin Kleins ex boy toy) do it. Lots of drugs and alcohol, I suspect.