What would a retirement home for Dataloungers be like? What amenities would it have to have?
They would pre-sell our bodies to medical students.
Pink tablets with 24 hour man porn.
The orderlies would have to be drunk and disorderly.
The door to the women's wing would lead outside and lock securely behind the person going through it.
There would be a ruinous civil war between the cut and uncut wings including involuntary cirucmcision episodes.
The male nurses would wear socks and shirts but no pants.
Cool residents. Enough books that I like. Don't know about the rest.
A mashup of 'Arsenic and Old Lace' and 'Sunset Boulevard'.
Monocles for all of you.
Caftans for everyone!
The dining hall would have a Once Around the Garden salad bar and a baked potato bar every night of the week.
Caftans. Hearing aids.
Each room would have a dial telephone with a silver-plated pencil next to it.
Frozen meatballs for dinner, again?
Lots of mugs
What age would a one need to be to qualify for residency? 50? 45? 40?
Try 30, r17.
Having worked briefly in a privately run adult care home, I could tell you horrifying stories.
I suggest double lap robes. We had an unrelted man and woman that were bug fucking crazy. The always sat together with their hands in each other laps, playing with each other. Would be nice to cover that up.
When the nurses were very busy you'd have to pay an extra $18.00 to get your meds.
Thank you r19, I no longer fear growing old.
Couldn't live there, every time dinner is served, it'd be Primetime.
If you wanted to watch soap operas, you'd have to keep it on the down low.
Activities would include designing jewellery from clay.
Vintage A&F t-shirts, all worn 3 sizes too small.
'80 is the new 40' posters in all public rooms.
Sunday pride parades through the corridors starting at 2:00 p.m.; after-party at 4:00 p.m.
Madonna-thon days on the sound system.
Dark-out night - Last Thursday of the month!
Will there be nutloaf?
[quote] Madonna-thon days on the sound system
Activities would include making collages from pics of Madonna looking her worst, and making list of her lowest chart placings.
Ear plugs would be handed out at the beginning of the -thon.
For a week in August, R26.
Sunday afternoon pride parades to be lead by Dykes on Walkers, of course.
"Enough books that I like" - yes, R8, but they'd all be stacked on the floor.
There'd be amyl nitrate in all the emergency oxygen masks and the fire alarm would be Disco Inferno.
Elaine Stritch would be running the arts and craft section and complaining about she never got to be in any one of the 112 revivals of FOLLIES.
Outside: squirrels. Inside: death.
Timed triggers to set off the trolls on the usual subjects like racism, being 'straight acting', whether a guy who sucks a dick one time is still 'straight', etc.
Red Dragon cheese for afternoon snacks.
Security will be present in the TV lounge during all tennis and figure skating programs.
Unruly residents would be threatened with "LChat, ma" or "iVillage, pa"
Bi-monthly jaunts to Olive Garden for unlimited breadsticks. Every one brings baggies.
Bread selection will include refrigerated and NOT refrigerated.
Golden Corral, R37.
R32 and R38 crack me up.
1 pm M-W-F: Debate as to whether a celebrity must say "I am gay" in a public venue in order to be considered as having come out, or is being seen publicly with a partner or thanking him/her in a speech is sufficient.
3 pm Tuesdays: Roundtable discussion about whether George Clooney is gay.
1st Monday of the month: "Lucille Ball's MAME: Camp fest, underrated classic, or unmitigated disaster?"
Are pets allowed? Specifically cats and parasights?
R41, you win.
Parasights. Oh Mary, the game.
Prancercise at 11 am in the first floor recreation room.
I personally would prefer a guard gated community for active Dataloungers 55 and older. But because there are no basements, three quarters of Dataloungers would not be interested.
Even with free Cheetos in the Clubhouse.
Caftan dry cleaning service.
Anal prolapse wing.
Margarine fountain in the lobby.
Datalounge WAS Shady Pines for about the last 24 hours, OP.
"As my father said to me when he died in my arms, 'I don't understand any of it. I never did.' Turn the lights out when you leave."
Will the nurses douche me before i offer myself to the hunky maintenance guy who hangs my tom of finland pix?
As I get older I increasingly feel the same way as your father, R51.
Glad you were with him at the end when the lights faded to zero. I expect that meant everything to him. x
I'm hysterical R53
R54, you're really *not*
The more I think about it the more I want my retirement home to be like my college residence hall room.
Bed. desk, reading chair, mini-fridge, microwave. Cafeteria - with a take out option.
Gym membership, movie series for all tastes, access to great library, great wifi,
quite floors - kids who wanted enforced quiet times for studying could pick those rooms, no conflict with those of us who wanted to make noise.
Only thing I'd add would be a good wine selection in the convenience store.
Earrings...caftans...and a nacreous layer of precum.
Twinkish candy stripers subjected to frequent hissings.
The weekly ice cream social is constantly marred by insults between the manorexics and the fatties.
A scandal erupts over abuse accusations when it's discovered that several patients have delivered vicious face-slappings to staff and volunteers.
All the glory holes will have safety handles.
Cancer patients who lose weight will be rock stars.
Perfume will come back in a big way - but it will be restricted to Giorgio and Poison. Some queen will sneak in Anais Anais and be whipped with canes.
A fabulous margarine fountain in every room!
A non-cocktail hour every day. For a breather.
Apparently R8 actually is shopping for a rest home.
Hey love, spread your legs and smoke that joint, I want to see what you have down there to suck and lick, you will like it..
OK, r59 gets two snorts of my cocktail out of my nose, and a snap.
Bread pudding every day!!
a cloth purse like one a child might have provided for one and all
There would be one resident bitching about how there is no farm fresh butter and a building of residents rolling their eyes at him.
The supply cabinets would be stocked with sets of what DLers are used to getting for comfort and protection: Nestle Crunch, enema bag, Dentu-Grip, and condoms, condoms, condoms.
"Nurse! Nurse! I think my roommate is a gargoyle."
"Mr. Withersby was strangled with his oxygen tube! They found a copy of "Funny Lady besides the body. The entire North wing cheered."
Lonely, unsociable residents will each be given a Red Weirdo as a companion.
WW, R20! LOL!
There would be two or three residents making jokes about Cheryl's pussy. There would be hundreds of residents signing a petition to get those two or three residents kicked out.
A special seminar: Avoiding Gayface in Your Golden Years(post 30).
Judo lessons given by Constance Ford and Mrs. Alfred Steele.
Batshit Bingo Buffet and Raffle ever Wednesday 5-7:30 PM sponsored by Publix Deli and Bakery and XTC Super Centers with Mama presiding as emcee.
All the wymyn will have canes.
Cak and graxy for dinner. Every fucking night. Now shut up and take your bitter pills. Oh, and read my blog. Or else it gets the hose again.
Cheryl will be reserving an entire wing. Staff in adjacent wings will bake cookies three times daily.
Reading through the above, we may have a bit of a problem with staff turnover...
For a week every August, all the womyn would take a field trip to Michfest.
Golden Girls screenings daily at 10 a.m., 11 a.m., noon, 1 p.m., 2 p.m., 3 p.m., 4 p.m. and 5 p.m.
After dinner at 7 p.m., 8 p.m. and 9 p.m. each night, residents would reenact episodes from memory.
Residents would vote on the best portrayals of the Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia. Winners get to split a cheesecake in the kitchen at 1 a.m.
Today's Henry Cavill discussion group includes a special guest. The best friend of a guy who is the cousin of the boyfriend of a man who watched Henry get his haircut in London will share his observations about Henry's nipple placement and how they conclusively prove Henry's homosexuality.
Tomorrow, the plumber of a man who is the ex of a sales clerk at Saks who is best friends with a man who was once roommates with a man who served drinks to Henry in a New York City restaurant where a waiter says gave Henry a blowjob in the coatcheck room will share his insider information.
Arrive early as seating is limited at these special sessions. Doors open at 7 a.m. Talk begins at 4:30 p.m.
And free your calendars for next Tuesday. The secretary of a man who lives next door to a man who once gave directions to Ted Casablanca will spill all she knows about Toothy Tile.
You GUYS ARE SO QUEER I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! I'M GOING TO JUMP OFF THE GW BRIDGE AND WHEN YOU READ ABOUT MY DEATH YOU HAVE ONLY YOURSELVES TO BLAME. PS: I SENT A COPY OF THIS TO THE DAILY NEWS.
If Shady Pines becomes too successful, all the retirement age housefraus will want to move in.
Datalounge IS Shady Pines.
Without afternoon Bingo and chocolate pudding cups(:
Shady Pines, Mama!
I'm not moving in if Ginny is in Billing.
My GF asks: why is Datalounge called Datalounge? Interesting question.
A sign in the lobby says "Children's Visiting Hours:" followed by a blank spot where the text has been scratched out and covered with nail polish.
Maybe Anderson and Ben can move to Shady Pines too.
r88, you're GF sounds rather dour. You're a lesbian I'm guessing.
Double-Dutch jump roping with our catheter tubes.
One dementia patient -with strings of spit hanging from both sides of his mouth and a stain of shit running down his gown- will wander the halls.
He'll sneak into random rooms and yell, "Your a straight frau cunt and we don't want you here!"
Even the frailest queen on his deathbed will respond, "It's you're, not your."
R93, and then she'll retort with, "Lady GaGa is STILL the Queen of Pop!"
R89, good one!
The Revenge of Men Presenting Their Holes ... at 90.
The Viagra bills would be through the roof. So would the carpet and linen cleaning.
r97 That could be the Shady Pines' marketing angle: Free Viagra with Every Meal.
Cryogenic frozen heads
Anal bleaching on the esplanade, next to the shuffleboard deck.