My BF's EX wants to give the eulogy at his funeral. NO. What do I say?
My BF has a terminal illness. He may live another month, or he may live a few more years. We don't know yet.
He is out, we have been together about five years and are close to his family. We're in the small northeastern town where he grew up, married and had two (now teenage) kids, but of course, divorced. He and his ex do NOT get along. She is a bitch of the highest order.
I am civil with his ex, and we get along but I admit it's a passive aggressive relationship and honestly, I cannot stand her. She dropped out of school in 8th grade, is basically white trash, and has no common sense or decency.
So last night she emails me and says she wants to give the eulogy at his funeral. She said "it feels like the right thing to do, and I know I could do a good job" then went on to say "it doesn't matter if in people's minds it's appropriate or not."
I felt stunned. I wrote her back and said, um, that seems a little ODD. She got defensive and wrote back saying "Oh, it won't be like when Cher gave the eulogy at Sonny Bono's funeral. That was disgusting! It's about the CHAPTERS in his life..."
I just sat back and went, what the fuck?
On the one hand, I'm considering the source. She will never give that eulogy, she is creepy and bitter. His family wouldn't allow it. I'm simply amazed at her lack of boundaries.
What do I say to her? I need to just let it go - at the very least, just worry about it when the time comes - but I seriously, seriously want to slap the ugly right off her SMUG FUCKING FACE.
Have the bf tell her no.
Ask your boyfriend what he wants.
Everyone knows the first wife is the real wife. Allow her to take her place.
Let her start, and then go all Dynasty on her ass. Nothing livens up a funeral like a good bitch fight.
[quote]What do I say to her?
Bitch, there is going to be ONE widow at this funeral, and I. AM. HE.
You happen to be in Maine, OP?
If so, I'm happy to show up at the service and take her down before she can shashay her attention whoring ass into the building.
You simply say, "Thank you so much for wanting to get involved in the funeral, but the family and I have already made other plans."
Not everything has to be a drama.
I say it is absolutely up to the person who is dying . . . . . it is their responsibility before the end to orchestrate the type of funeral or memorial service wanted which includes who might speak, type of music etc. . . . . then it is up to those left alive to honor those wishes.
I once went to a three-widow memorial service. Neither the wife nor the first husband would stand down. It was supposed to end by noon. Instead, there was a break for lunch, then more memorial service.
I didn't even bother with the lunch. Two friends and I left and ate out. Naturally, the three-spouse memorial service has been talked about for years, under the heading "Worst Funeral EVER."
I just feel pissed at the audacity of this bitch. I don't normally call people cunt but she is a fucking dried up nasty old CUNT. I hate her. I don't want to feel this way but I just despise her.
My mother always told me to consider the source....I'm trying...
She is the mother of his kids. So just out of respect for them, I believe she should have some part in the funeral and final arrangements. It's up you guys to decide what part.
The only spouse that matters is the one he stayed with/stayed with him until the end.
Exes have no say or control over the planning or execution of the funeral. For piece of mind, you might want to inform your husband of her request to see his reaction, unless you already know he wouldn't want her to speak at his funeral.
So the EX is a she? Did he accept being gay when he was with her, and left her for you OP?
They had been divorced several years before he and I met, and she knew he was gay when she married him and had kids with him.
They were both in the wrong in that aspect.
He absolutely wouldn't want her giving the eulogy - I haven't mentioned this to him because he's dealing with enough. At some point I will, but not now.
In the meantime I just want to give her the verbal bitch slapping she deserves.
If that's the case, I agree with R7. Thank her and tell her that the family has already made plans.
OP, she sounds aggressive. Is there a danger that she will simply try to take over and deliver the eulogy even if she's told not to? Maybe you better be firm about this right now. Don't antagonize her with unnecessary insults. Just give her an absolute and incontrovertible no.
She's the mother of his children and it's a shame that your self esteem forces you to demonize her (even though her asshole ex-husband is the deceptive one at the end of the day).
Ask your partner if he wants his ex, his children's mother, if he wants her to speak. As his kids if they think she should speak. Don't be a dick and make your partner's death all about YOU!!!
OP, you don't seem to realize that his death is all about her - how inconsiderate of you note to understand how your BF's death will affect her and how she will need sympathy and condolences for her loss.
With the frau, it's always about them...
No R17, by all means let HER make all about HER!
No, no, and no. In so many ways, no.
Mostly I have always been so turned off by this woman's lack of education, self-awareness, and just the fact that she would even think for a second this is appropriate.
And to even say to me "I don't care if people think it's appropriate!" and YES, she is the type that would absolutely try to force it and make it all about her. So what if they had kids - it was a LIE and everyone knows it.
I am the person who has stayed with him, given him a better life, nursed him and loved him. The sheer nerve this bitch has makes me want to rip her to shreds. CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Weddings and funerals always bring out the worst in families.
I am sorry you have to face this kind of thing. Let your boyfriend decide who he might want. Personally if Macy Gray can't sing at my funeral I want silence.
Why don't you bypass the problem altogether and have his children do the eulogy? That way it doesnt turn into an issue that eclipses the importance of the event with bad blood.
Is there conflict between he and his children?
You're a relatively short-term boyfriend, she's the mother of his children. Sorry queen, but you ARE the Mary Bono in this situation. Do the right thing and stay out if Cher's way.
You want to know what you can say that will hurt her...that will make her see how horrible her request is and make her feel ashamed of herself. And the answer is: nothing.
She's incapable of being shamed, and even if she wasn't, shaming her isn't your job. Keeping the remaining time of you and your boyfriend as stress-free as possible is.
Reply as earlier posters have suggested: Thank you, but we've made other arrangements." If she contacts you again about it, don't reply. Don't let her take up emotional and mental real estate when you're already stretched so thin.
First of all, OP. I'm so very sorry about your BF. Big hugs to you.
Talk to your BF and let him decide what he wants his funeral to be like and who he wants to speak. Outsiders like the ex wife should not get involved in the planning of a funeral.
When my sister was dying she planned her funeral down to the last detail. She was kind of drugged-out and loopy towards the end so some of her plans were silly and not really doable. She wanted 100 white doves released at the graveside. In the middle of winter. We didn't do that.
Anyway, one of our other sisters wanted her rabidly religious daughter to give a prayer at the service. Our dying sister said absolutely not. She didn't want the religious maniac speaking in tongues and calling down the holy spirit at her funeral so she simply said no.
I agree with R26. Rebuff her, keep it minimal, keep it civil. She sounds like she has stuff SHE wants to say to everybody. Not a good idea!
Also w/ R27... don't unload onto your dying partner that his ex is getting messy/pushy about a eulogy, but do ask him what he'd want, who he'd want to speak.
Since you know your bf will die soon, I strongly advise you to start a family trust with yourself as a joint trustee or successor trustee, as well as having him write a will with you as executor of his estate. Then, when bf dies, you will avoid estate tax. As trustee and executor of bf's estate, you will also be empowered to pay for and manage bf's funeral. He can write out his wishes for his funeral if he likes. If it's too sensitive a topic, as executor it is in your hands.
It's good to get a power of attorney as well, to manage his end of life health care and make financial decisions, but it ends the minute he dies.
My dad did this, thank god. Get bf to make his end of life healthcare decisions and put them in the power of attorney docs if you possibly can. Legally, you are obligated to follow his wishes. That helps a lot when sanctimonious doctors demand to take extreme measures to prolong the life of a terminal patient. If it's written out by a lawyer and notarized, they'll still lie and try and manipulate you into dragging it out and putting your bf through hell, but when he can no longer speak for himself, you need that document to defend him. Do it now. If you possibly can, get him to specifically state whether he wants CPR, dialysis, a ventilator, etc. Hospitals have a form you can check off each treatment. Get one, go over it with bf, and get him to check off, sign it and notarize it if you possibly can. Use their form, if you know what hospital he will use, they have written it to cover their asses, and that's the one they want. Be aware, at the end doctors will refuse to tell you when to pull the plug, so you need a clear expression of your bf's wishes in writing. Otherwise, you're getting vague , unhelpful comments from doctors who don't have the balls to tell you it's over. I had to read my dad's instructions out loud to a doctor who refused to read them to get them to turn the machines off and send him to hospice.
My sympathy to you and your bf.
OP, tell her you are simply not discussing funeral arrangements with her. You're focused on the last days of your loved one and it's just not the time for that discussion.
Or just tell her that it's already been taken care of, and someone else is handling it. End of discussion. Lie if necessary. And for shit sake. You're going thru a rough time, so be nice to yourself and quit talking to her. This is not the kind of stress you need right now.
If you say no to her, you'll risk her going behind your back, making a nuisance of herself and using every trick she can think of to draw attention to herself. That's what this is about.
She looks at you as illegitimate and she, the mother of his children, is the only one with "real" status to do such a thing. The other thing you want to do is think about a role for his kids if he had a relationship with them, and if you think it will help them get thru this. Maybe some kind of scripture reading or a poem.
The main thing operating here is that she wants to be acknowledged. Figure out how you do that in a gracious way, without allowing her to elbow you out of the way. I think you're worried she might.
While I understand that, and I'm not criticizing you at all, I think if you know what her motivations are, you can figure out how to resolve it. Or not. If she and the kids and her people were always shits to you, fuck them.
"The only spouse that matters is the one he stayed with/stayed with him until the end."
The ex-wife doesn't have the right to make funerary arrangements, but being the mother of your BF's children makes her part of his family. That doesn't give her the right to give a eulogy, unless other people want her to, but OP, any more than the OP has the right to be so nasty to her.
She's the mother of your common-law stepchildren, OP, not some demoness sent from hell to annoy you. And she is connected to your BF, please do your best to stop resenting that fact. Put your energy into giving your BF the best life possible, instead of hating this hapless schlub.
Jeez, you have someone volunteering to do that shitty job. Jump at it. If anyone ever asked me to do a eulogy, I'd run for the hills (stage fright).
OP, have you considered that you may not be in any kind of emotional state to deliver a eulogy? It might be a relief to have someone else take over that responsibility. You can always get up and say a few words yourself if you feel so inclined.
[quote]OP, have you considered that you may not be in any kind of emotional state to deliver a eulogy?
Did you even read OP's posts? Nowhere did he say that he wanted to give the euology. Only that he didn't want the ex wife to.
[quote]She is the mother of his kids. So just out of respect for them, I believe she should have some part in the funeral and final arrangements. It's up you guys to decide what part.
She may sit next to her children and quietly sob.
[quote]She is the mother of his kids. So just out of respect for them, I believe she should have some part in the funeral and final arrangements.
An EX spouse having a part in the funeral arrangements? That's ridiculous. Her "job" is to support her children who have lost their father. Nothing more.
Hi Uncle Bottom @R25! Is there no thread in which you can't inject your sycophantic servitude towards heterosexuals?
On what planet is it customary for spouses--current or ex--to deliver the eulogy at a funeral? I swear some of you queens live life like you're starring in a new episode of Dynasty every day.
Sorry to drag this off topic but when Cher eulogized at Sonny Bono's was it really "DISGUSTING". I saw it on Youtube and she did steal the show but her actual words seemed quite right for the occasion. Was it generally considered at the time that Cher was out of order? I was too young to see her performance "live".
Stop that cunt. She's waiting for the opportunity to publicly blame you for your partner's death and the destruction of her family.
This is an unusual case of a bisexual man ultimately choosing another man to settle down with. Kudos to you, OP. And sorry about your BF.
It was generally considered that Cher was stealing the spotlight at Sonny's funeral and making it all about her.
Personally, I thought her tribute was wonderful and heartfelt. Even she said that she didn't k now where all that emotion sprang from after all those years apart. But I don't think Mary Bono was terribly thrilled about it. It pulled focus from her, the widow.
r42 Fuck that republican cunt.
I was thinking the same thing r37. In any event op, people who have power trips at funerals usually end up looking like complete assholes with no respect for the dearly departed. just remember to take the high road at all costs. Let her make a fool of herself if she wishes.
R34,35. You can quit quoting me because I know exactly what I said.
This is not about the ex or current but about the children who will have to grow up the rest of their lives without a father. In all likelihood, this is their first lost and of a father at that. I say consider them. A rejection of their mother can possibly be perceived as a rejection of them. The marriage was a lie but the children are very much real. You can't wave a magic wand and erase one's past. Like Tim Gunn says, 'Make it work!'.
Another great argument for cremation without services. The deceased's parents can then arrange a private gathering at som suitable site & invite such family members & friends as they'd like to see -- OP & the children are entitled to participate as co-hosts or as honored guests, whichever they prefer.
[quote]A rejection of their mother can possibly be perceived as a rejection of them.
She's not being rejected, you nitwit. She hasn't been banned from the funeral. Her name hasn't been prevented from being uttered. OP just doesn't want her to deliver the eulogy for his partner, and likely neither does the dying man in question. That's entirely fair and reasonable. It's their right, indeed their responsibility to make these decisions themselves without outside interference.
Having an ex-wife deliver a eulogy is just bizarre. Especially in this case where the woman is clearly a drama queen intent on making things all about her.
[quote]You can quit quoting me because I know exactly what I said.
Are you unfamiliar with the reasons people quote other posters? It's to put a post or a response in the proper context so that other readers don't get confused.
It's not all about you.
[quote]Is there conflict between he and his children?
And OP, do what R29 says.
And make sure your warranty deeds and the rest are in order. Meaning, don't rely on the trust alone unless you have a good trust lawyer. For that matter, watch the POAs and everything very closely. Laws have changed, and they're still not great for gay people.
And, yes, of course, this woman is not to present a speech at the funeral. If the BF is too ill to tell her, tell her he said no and that's the end of it. And if she says anything shitty to you, tell her that you are letting the funeral home/church know you are not to be admitted. It is "a private funeral he has planned, only for close friends and family. And he was definite about telling me if I have to get a restraining order to ensure the privacy of the funeral, that's fine with him."
And before you hang up say, "Chapter closed."
Just say: "Try it, bitch, and I'll be giving your eulogy the very next day."
[quote]Weddings and funerals always bring out the worst in families.
Apparently so do threads about them.
I'm looking at YOU, R21.
OMG Datalounge, I LOVE YOU. You have validated me to no end. Thank you.
As I said, I try to have a decent relationship with this twat. I don't want to, but I do it out of respect for my husband's children. I have posted about them here before if anyone is curious about THAT thread.
I did talk to my BF about this, today. He LAUGHED and said do not worry, she will have no part in my funeral. She is there, fine. She does not have the right to speak.
Problem is, he will not be 'there' to insure this doesn't happen. I can absolutely see the ex-cunt with an axe to grind just rambling up to the podium, and saying WHATEVER she wants to. If that happens...what is there to do? Do we wrestle her to the ground? Yes, most of us will know she is a fool. But many do not. My BF and her share many mutual friends in this Podunk New Hampshire town and many of them think I am the interloper here. Though as I said before, I came many years later.
His family knows the truth and I'm trying to remember that is all that matters.
Still...I cant help but want to PUNCH HER FUCKING THROAT. ugh.
Why didn't she just ask to speak at his funeral, why give the eulogy. She really doesn't even need to do that, their children are old enough to speak on their own behalf.
My father messed around and cheated..had my sibling during the marriage and got with the person he's with now (and cheated on my mom with for years). My siblings mom spoke at the funeral to talk about how much my sibling loved her grandparent..they were very young, it made sense. My father was embarrassed but hey it's the choice he made. My sibling and mom are VERY close and her child is my mom's grandchild. My mom was of course at the funeral, too.
Yall don't have all this drama, sounds like. She just needs to fall back and remember her current place.
Oh, we do have drama R54. Not many of us talk to each other to figure it out. Lots of dysfunction.
All in all I just want to make this stupid bitch suffer for just an hour or two. I want to put her in her place SO much, just tell her how I feel, let her know she is a fucking TWAT that NEVER amounted to anything and everyone knows it.
How dare she.
You say no, OP. R7 has it right.
OP - if you actually exist - troll-dar is not your friend. You sound bitter and insecure and nasty. So perhaps it's time for counselling or else your life after your parter's death is going to be even more difficult than it would be otherwise.
[quote]If that happens...what is there to do? Do we wrestle her to the ground?
If she's that nuts and actually does get up to speak, uninvited, there's not much you can do without creating a scene.
If this is really a worry for you, you and your BF need to plan the funeral so that there's no opportunity for impromptu speeches. Have an agenda and have it printed in the hand-out bulletin/memorial thingy (if you have one of those).
Your BF could have a chat with her as well to let her know that his dying wish is that she not speak at his funeral or otherwise cause an embarrassing scene for the children and everyone else present. Out of respect for him.
OP, call Dr. Joy Browne. She'll give you excellent advice.
My BF just called her and told her to BUTT THE FUCK OUT and STAY OUT.
And I'm feeling pretty great about that
Send her the bill for the funeral
Oh gawd. That someone looking at the end of his life should have to deal with this. I hate people.
Tell her that between Mahalia Jackson singing, the blanket of gardenias for the casket, and the horse-drawn hearse, no one would notice her anyway.
Don't worry, OP. Pretty soon you'll be bitter AND alone.
Too bad your partner's dying hasn't shown you what's truly important in life. Petty rivalries, one-upmanship, pure unadulterated anger...what a waste of time and energy. I'm not saying the ex wife should get her way, but this ordeal is clearly bringing out an ugly side of you two...a side that a dying man would have been spared from if he hadn't gotten involved with two shameless narcissists.
I'd make sure I was married to the bf so I would have some legal authority. Are you in a marriage equality state?
I would say no or at least do a eulogy first and then let her say a few words.
Tell her that it would be lovely for her to give the eulogy and that the funeral starts promptly at three. Then schedule it for one.
R67 Like Jack did to Gloria for John's funeral.
Charge her for word.
I've been to lots of different types of services. If you don't want her to speak, be sure it is a service where people are NOT invited up to "say a few words about ...."
If you have it well planned with a 'schedule' of what prayers will be read, what songs will be sung, who will be speaking, etc, etc AND YOU GET THE PERSON LEADING THE SERVICE (whether it is a religious leader or a funeral directory type) TO STAY IN CONTROL OF THAT PLAN ..... that woman will never have a chance to leave her seat.
Let her chat up anyone she wants to after the service ends ....if they choose to listen to her.
Sorry for you and mainly for your boyfriend.
See a lawyer, see one NOW. Make sure there is a will and that your property interests are protected. If there is jointly held property, place in your name. If you can get married, it will are things easier and avoid transfer taxes. You don't want to find the ex has taken your home or possessions becuase she says they belong to the sons.
OP what R71 writes is infinitely more important than anything anyone says at the memorial service.
"All in all I just want to make this stupid bitch suffer for just an hour or two. I want to put her in her place SO much, just tell her how I feel, let her know she is a fucking TWAT that NEVER amounted to anything and everyone knows it."
The funeral or deathbed of the father of her children is NOT the place to do that! Back away!
Honestly, OP, your irrational hatred of this poor useless woman makes you sound very creepy, as if in your mind you're blaming her for every bad thing that ever happened to you, and everything you dislike about the town you live in. That's irrational, this woman may not be likeable but she doesn't control the whole town. She's part of your boyfriend's family, and now yours, and you don't have to like your relatives but it's still a good idea to refrain from telling them off at funerals.
If people in the town don't like you now, imagine what they'd think of you if you bitchslapped her at the deathbed!
As far as the will and trusts and things, why is everyone assuming that the BF is leaving everything to the OP? Yes, he should get everything nailed down by a lawyer if that's the case, and soon, but it's possible that the children are the primary heirs.
Maybe that's why he hates the ex-wife so feverently.
First wife make speech! Most important wife!
Chinese concubine, 3rd wife
I agree with R73. The ex-wife sounds detestable, but there will be plenty of time after the funeral for OP to tell her how he feels about her.
OP is under a lot of stress right now, so this witch adding to it is probably making him vent such venomous statements.
Let her speak. Just have a brass band on standby and cued to play the moment she opens her mouth, and end playing just as she says, "... and that is all I wanted to share with everyone, thank you."
Tell her not to even show up at the service.
Hire a DJ. Is she actually does get up to speak, have the DJ crank up the volume of "I will always love you" so no one can hear what the bitch is saying
If  is the OP, it sounds as though he now has control of the situation, which is as it should be. No one, no matter who it is, has the right to take over the proceedings in a funeral. And why is there always some idiot mouthing off about "the mother of his children"? This is hetero bullshit of the kind they use to control nonconformists. What she is is the mother of angry, disruptive stupidity messing up gay other people's lives.
His assets are not much and they go to the kids. That is fine. I have my own money (I take care of him, not the other way around).
I just get overwrought because she floored me by even thinking this was just going to happen because she said it would. "I don't care if in other people's minds it's not appropriate!" Just, UGH. I hate people like her.
R82/OP, her attitude pushes all of my buttons. I'm a lawyer & once fired a client because he said "I appreciate your advice on how to follow the reporting & accounting rules but, frankly, I don't care about following those rules". The code of ethics would have permitted me to retain him as a client while counselling him about the error of his ways, but I just did not want to spend any more time with an ass who considered himself above the law.
The ex-wife sounds like that jerk (& also like Ted Cruz), feeling entitled to disregard the law because it's inconvenient for them. No system can function that way, whether it involves a family or a business or a government. None of these creatures is fit to participate in a civilized society.
[quote] Also, you sound hot
R84 (who posted the 'hot' message) seems to be the original OP. That is, the OP who is in a relationship.
I don't have problems with an ex (particularly one who is the mother of the children) seeking to speak at the funeral.
But I think it's really tacky (and revealing) for the partner of an ill person to be cruising on an internet messageboard, whilst at the same time posing as a devoted partner and saying the most appalling things about the ex.
This situation seems to be evolving to the point a location shoot may be in order. Please get in touch.
What does your boyfriend want?
Oh hush R85. Shoo.
I can say whatever I like on a goddamn message board I've been posting at for over a decade...the EX is the one who said she didn't care if ANYONE thought it was inappropriate for her cunt ass to deliver the eulogy at the funeral of a person who cannot stand her.
Now go away.
Have a remote controlled spring mechanism installed in the coffin under your BF's back, if the bitch gets up and starts to talk, fire the mechanism, your BF's corpse will sit up and that will be the end of that.
Funeral happened yet?
If not, be sure to take a spray bottle with water in with you along with a rolled up newspaper.
[quote] Funeral happened yet?
[quote] He may live another month, or he may live a few more years.
This is bizarre, distasteful attention whoring.
OP apparently knows how he and the family will respond and the poor man isn't dead yet.
R85, if it makes you feel any better, I'm a fat old straight woman.
But thanks, R84 -- good to see that someone appreciates an ethical lawyer (even though our clients may not).
Yes, I agree, R92. Reading OP's posts and the manner in which he expresses himself, leads me to believe he is rather immature and no prize, himself. This entire situation could be handled in a civilized manner. But I think OP wants there to be some sort of scene. He is a true drama queen. .. I feel bad for the poor kids.
Eulogies are not mandatory at a funeral.
If there is to be a eulogy, the speaker is invited and does not volunteer.
Were that the case, I hereby announce I will deliver the eulogy for the deceased Rev. Fred Phelps. At such time as.
Thank you, ex-Mrs., but no thanks.
I prefer a jew-logy....
[quote]All in all I just want to make this stupid bitch suffer for just an hour or two. I want to put her in her place SO much, just tell her how I feel, let her know she is a fucking TWAT that NEVER amounted to anything and everyone knows it.How dare she.
OP you have something seriously wrong with you. You're a lawyer? You sound like you're irrational.
Why don't you give the main eulogy and have everyone speak as well? I did that at a friend's funeral that died of HIV.
You do the one at the beginning, ask his family members/friends/children if they'd like to say something as well.
Then everyone is happy & you come off as the more mature person.
Additionally, you never know, due to his death you and the ex might become very friendly - and yes this happens a lot.
I'd dress as her and just make faces behind her back while she gives the eulogy.
[quote] r12 - For piece of mind,
The expression is PEACE of mind.
r97 - r83 is the lawyer. OP is a bit reactive, but gets a pass under the circumstances. And your suggestion is just dumb. Everyone will *not* be happy if the ex makes an awful, grandstanding speech at the funeral.
r98 has the only sensible suggestion. Start working on your look now, OP. You can have a trial run at Halloween.
She doesn't have to make an awful grandstanding speech, the OP can read what her speech is before the funeral. Why can't she grieve as well? He chose to have children with her.
It's better to be magnanimous.