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Let's Pretend We're a Steven Spielberg Film!
I'm the Jewish director obsessed with, impressed by and envious of Gentile action heroes; particularly those of the WWII and Civil War eras.
I'm the plot hole, I am huge
I'm the pristine cinematography. Young viewers will be impressed by this.
I'm the child who will never die no matter how much peril I face because the director is too big of a pussy to kill me.
I'm the camera slowly tracking in while the actors are staring in fear,wonder or amazement.
I'm the crap music by John Williams.
It's just bombastic shit. I like it on MacGyver, but not on a feature film
[quote]I'm the child who will never die no matter how much peril I face because the director is too big of a pussy to kill me.
He sure killed me.
I am the massive product tie-in.
I heart R6
I'm the fetishized innocence of children.
I'm the MESSAGE. I'll be hitting you over the head for the next two hours.
I tell you, Catch Me If You Can acted as therapy. And it's his only true good film.
Also, River Phoenix was raised in a cult. Make of that what you will.
I am the inevitable Oscar nominations in the technical categories.
A am the merchandising deals that will bring in a billion-dollars in retail sales.
I am the overweening piety.
I'm Shug Avery and you sho' is ugly, hahaaa!!
I'm the minority characters. We're sprinkled throughout the film in a way that feels forced because boss man wants to feel enlightened, but we'll never be the star.
I'm chilled monkey brains!
I'm the terrible actress who hopes to be the next Mrs. Spielberg.
I'm the needless, last scene full of schmaltz.
I am the angry but ultimately life affirming fuck the pain away scene in Munich.
I'm the Speak 'n' Spell E.T. uses to communicate.
I'm "1941", a movie that shall live in infamy.
I'm the "sense of childhood wonder" that audiences never fail to gush over. Tired and annoying as I am, you idiots just can't get enough of me.
I'm Bruce the rubber shark. Who at Universal thought it was a good idea to just stick me in saltwater without expecting production delays?
He stole R28 from me.
I'm "The Sugarland Express." Don't bother saying you've seen me, I know it's a lie.
I'm Kathleen Kennedy, and few people know that S.S. is a wooden marionette that I use to front for my films.
I'm the father issues. I always pop up in his films somewhere.
I'm one of the Jews who didn't make it onto Schindler's List.
I'm Liberia. Mr. Lincoln wanted to send all the black folks to me, but Spielberg had nothing to say about that.
I'm Harrison Ford's smirk.
I'm the original negative of "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." I've had more re-cuts made to me than Joan Rivers and Phyllis Diller put together.
We're the cartoon Nazi bogeymen that inhabit the nightmares of Jew movie moguls.
I'm the fucking gigantic moon.
And I'm the 3-dimensional real life Nazi monster that lost the Oscar to Tommy Lee Jones playing a cardboard federal agent in an unremarkable mainstream thriller.
I'm the concentration camp guard in "Schindler's List" to whom R38 jerked off.
I'm the gratuitous CGI added 20-odd years later.
We're the obsession with boys-own adventure yarns that he still hasn't outgrown.
I'm the schlubby baseball cap and jeans that became the new dress code for directors after him.
I'm the third Chinese dancer from the right in the "Anything Goes!" opening number.
I am the hypersensitiveness to Jew/Nazi jokes that Spielberg shares with R41 that got Megan Fox booted from the Transformers franchise.
I'm a giant, rolling boulder.
I'm Christianity. "Schindler's List" would never have needed to have been made if it hadn't been for me.
Oh, BTW, trolldar R46 and you'll see he's also R38/R40/R42/R43/R44.
We're the annoying precocious kids.
I'm the uncanny knack for making gargantuan amounts of money.
I'm the best part of 1941:
R48 Hitler didn't really care about Christianity. (nor do I)
I'm the hundreds of millions of dollars this film is guaranteed to make.
I'm the crappy old Plymouth Valiant that couldn't outrun a Goddamn tanker truck and couldn't make it up a measly hill without breaking down.
I'm the uncanny valley effect in "Tintin."
Can we please have a "Lets pretend We're a Martin Scorsese Film" thread? That will epic.
This Spielberg Thread Is Boring
I'm the lack of grit and subtle emotional depth.
On the contrary, R52, Hitler was a devout Catholic who gave the Vatican the most regular income it had ever had.
I'm the ending. I don't know when to show up.
R58 He wasn't particularly, religion was just one of the many tools he tried to use in his quest for power.
I'm the underage white boy that is the protagonist of nearly my entire film oeuvre.
I'm the rehearsed spontaneity in his Oscar acceptance speech. My date to the gala is the smug-yet-humble facial expression he's been working on for forty years.
Hi! WE're triplets!
Big Box Office, Critical Acclaim, And The Oscar
Keep telling yourself that R60.
Close your eyes to the real world.
I'm not a religious person anyway so I couldn't care less about your assumption that I'm a God-bothering red state dweller.
I'm the mother losing control over her house in face of some invaders.
You saw me in Close Encounter of the Third Kind, ET and Empire of the Sun.
I'm "Yi wang si-i wa ye kan duo
Xin li bian yao la jing bao jin tian zhi Dao..."
I'm Joan Crawford. Wondering if this litle gay boy with the rough trade boyfriend will make me look like a fool, in one of my final celluloid appearances.
http://www.reverseshot.com/files/images/issue31/joanandsteven.JPG I'm Daniel Day Lewis, the epitome of a ham actor.
I'm Drew Barrymore, it got so annoying when he'd pull me on his lap and try to touch my no-no. No wonder I took to the bottle at 10.
I'm Audrey Hepburn, ending my illustrious career in a now-forgotten film.
I'm Dennis Weaver, helping this little punk make a name for himself on TV.
R12, I too love R6.
I'm the Oscars he should have won for "ET, Saving Private Ryan, and Lincoln".
Instead you'll find me on some shelf in England, on that fat fuck Harvey Weisnten's office, and being used by Ben Affleck as a dildo.
Hon-bun, aka R74, Steve won an Oscar for SAVING PRIVATE RYAN. It didn't win Best Picture and I hear he was a pissy little bitch in the press room after that ceremony. Or he wouldn't even go into the press room that night. Something to that effect. Whatevskies. He should have picked up his graying labia and gotten in that press room. Nobody likes sour grapes, Steve.
sorry R75, I meant SPR winning for best picture (so he could have a set)...
I am the kid in the DreamWorks logo fishing from the moon.
I am just as pretentious as the movie that follows my appearance.
I'm Kate Capshaw's shit "acting," that fucking ruined Temple of Doom.
I'm the easy choices and lack of risks.
Not funny, R70.
I'm the overwhelming dripping sentimentality and a muse of mine is Norman Rockwell.
Like R27, I, too, am "1941." I was directed by America's "National Treasure."
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