I made a huge mistake of misreading the signs and thinking he was interested in me, and then letting myself fall madly in love with him. In all honesty, he wasn't someone I considered dating when I first met him initially. He's really cute though and has a personality that is quite endearing. It was actually the thought that he liked me that made me reconsider. I wouldn't have given him much thought otherwise. Well, turns out, I was wrong, but it was too late since I've actually fallen for him.
The most painful part is that he met someone on his trip to Sweden 2 weeks ago. And I just found out that they had a secret rendezvous to Paris just this past weekend (probably for an all-night fuckfest) and I'm gutted. The guy he met is much more attractive and much more successful than I am.
How do you guys deal? I know I should not fall in love too easily, but sometimes, it just happens. I haven't felt this way for a guy in years. We share some mutual friends and I will inevitably be bumping into him. I just want to get him out of my mind.
Time heals. Keep busy. Better yourself. Make yourself available and open to meeting new people.
Time will heal you, trust me. I made the mistake of telling my unrequited love how I felt. We were friends and I knew the feelings weren't mutual, but I shared them anyway.
In the aftermath, I learned that not only was I correct about the feelings not being mutual, but I didn't realize the friendship feelings weren't mutual either.
OP, I'm sorry for your pain. Unrequited love is never easy. But as others have said, time does heal.
There are lessons to be learned from the situation, things you can use the next time love comes your way. You may not like the things you discover about yourself as you examine it, but it will be useful information in the long run.
In the meantime, be gentle on yourself. Take up a new hobby, find new activities to distract yourself.
Two words: Blatino hustler.
There isn't much you can do. Take good care of yourself, do nice things for yourself and realize you just have to go through it to get to the other side and that's it. Protect yourself, stop seeing him. Try not to mope. When you are down, even if you don't feel like doing anything go and do something you used to enjoy, even if it's just a walk, or going for a drive to buy a magazine, just do it to break the spirit, you'll feel better and soon there will be more good hours than bad, then more good days than bad, and you're on your way. He's not for you, the one you need is on his way and you can't waste time on this one.
How old are you? Does this happen often?
Was he hurtful or roughly indifferent to your feelings? Never understand why people cover their guilt with harshness.
You want to be in love. That is great. What you are offering is the most precious part of life. Won't fault him; in fact, he has nothing to do with this. He, I'm afraid, is a gimcrack, dross, an unworthy love, despite your loving gaze. He melted under it, but you cannot see that, because your loving is so perfect.
Huge world. 7 billion people. Perhaps another exists who is ideal for you, and your affectionate nature will resettle on a person desirable and worthy, tho you haven't met him yet. Take a tour and sniff him out. Might happen again, and you stumble sideways into a gem.
You will need: a snood, a hostess gown with matching pants and slippers, a very large mug of tea, a fainting couch, good lighting.
r11, it wasn't said, but after I revealed my feelings made it crystal clear by her actions that we were nothing more than passing acquaintances.
OP, I don't even Facebook stalk her. We have friends in common on there and I put her in my block list. You will move on, really! :)
What r15 said. You don't really love him. You're infatuated, bewitched bothered and bewildered. RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
About 20 years ago I had three succesive "boyfriends", each more fucked than the last. They were all named Brian. WTF?
They all professed to love me. None of them would have sex with me. The last Brian told me that he loved me too much to have sex with me. That was a period of complete mind fuck. I thought, what's wrong with me? I'm not that ugly. So this messed me up for years.
Then I met my partner, and finally understood what love is. BTW, sex with someone you love and who loves you is beyond anything I'd experienced before.
So darlin, you'll feel the way for a time, feel like total worthless dogshit and you will meet someone who you love and who loves you.
Use the pain you are feeling as fuel to make positive changes in your life.
"I made a huge mistake of misreading the signs and thinking he was interested in me, and then letting myself fall madly in love with him."
The error right there. Mild interest is not enough to let you open the gate to mad love. Especially when the interest turned out to be something you may have imagined.
[quote]How do you deal with unrequited love?
Feelings are like treasure: both should be buried deeply.
Sorry OP. if the person doesn't love you, he's not worth your time. Hugs.
Learn to love at a distance with them never loving back and forgetting you even exist.
R26 OP [italic] knows [/italic] he isn't worth his time. He's trying to find ways to move on.
OP, I know this might sound negative or silly, but one of the most helpful things for me has been to try to find out negative things about the person you are stuck on. This will help knock him off his pedestal.
Do you have any mutual friends who you trust and who care about you? Maybe you can ask them to let you know about any negative things they know or have heard about this guy. Learning stuff like this can really help restore your perspective, and when you're that desperate you're willing to do ANYTHING.
Remind yourself that you are now that much closer to finding real love and you may now reserve your time and energy for other people and causes. Take dare of yourself and love yourself like you'd like a partner to love you.
Savor your unrequited love. It's the only love that lasts.
Talk it out!
Well, I got sober, relapsed, got sober, relapsed, then I realized he just didn't love me. I don't know why it took me two years to put myself through hell for this man. I finally accepted that I don't need to try and "make" someone love me. I will love him forever. He won't. Never will. Such is life. I don't need to be sober anymore, because I don't need to try and drink myself to death for feeling so worthless. It's been a great month or so. But his took two fucking years. And I'm not a needy guy. This was the first and only time in my 36 I've even gone through this. It will be my last. Hope that might help.
The only way to heal everything is time and distance. You said you have mutual friends but stay away from him as much as you can. Don't contact him. If he contacts you don't respond. Try to avoid meeting him in social situations. If you have to attend something that he is also attending be polite and friendly. Say hello and ask how he is but keep the conversation short and quickly move along. Distance yourself as much as possible.
Who knows how long it will take? A few months, maybe even a year. But eventually the feelings will start to fade and you'll be able to look at the relationship as it really is. You'll realise that the only reason you were interested in the guy in the first place was because you thought he was interested in you. And you'll start to be able to objectively look at why you weren't initially interested in him and return to those feelings.
Remember that he is still that same guy you weren't initially interested in. I think you should take a look at why someone being interested in you is enough for you to fall in love with them. Are you needy? Are you afraid of being alone? Would you rather be with anyone than be single? Maybe you should consider going to therapy.
Hey OP not that you necessarily need it but why don't you go to a gay Sex and Love Addiction meeting. Every one there is in the same boat. Talking would help and guess what? More than likely you'll meet some hot guys.
Been there, done that. And, yeah, it sucks.
I must have played that damn Linda Ronstadt song -- Long, Long Time that R16 linked -- a million times.
Oh, and this one.
You'll get over it. It seems like you won't, but you will.
As a love addict, R34, who has gone to those meetings, I highly DISrecommend them. I learned how to be a sex addict there.
R36 Hot guys, eh?
I love gay 12 step meetings of all kinds.
OP, I fell in love with the person who's more or less my best friend now. Never told him (thank God) that I was actually in love with him but did tell him how much I liked him and he rejected me. Hurt like hell at first (this was two years ago) and for the longest time afterward it would rip me apart inside knowing that he was fucking other guys instead of making love with me. But you know what, OP? I finally got over it and moved on and you know how? By actually getting to know him.
The closer we became as friends, the more I came to know the real him and that's what helped me to get over him. To just say it, I found out what a true skeez he is, and better yet, he only likes guys who are every bit as skeezy. And this is not sour grapes, this is just facts as expressed out of his very own mouth -- he's told me flat out that he only likes "thugs" for lovers and has acknowledged that he knows he's not exactly a person of top-notch character himself (with which I could not agree more). It was only after learning of this that I began to realize that his rejection of me had little to do with me and everything to do with his own shortcomings. He truly is the most thoughtless, selfish, self-involved jerk I've ever met in my life and has told me straight on that "I only care about me, nobody else" and no, he wasn't kidding.
So why am I friends with this person? Because our relationship has evolved over the past two years to the point that, as bad as he is, he's respectful of me and we've come to depend on each other quite a lot and even treat each other like brothers, so it's something we've made work for us. (We even travel together.) But who he dates and who he fucks now? Don't know and don't care.
The same thing just happened to me. I met someone out - I did not think much of it. I wasn't actively looking to date or jump into a relationship. This woman was nice, but kind of aggressive, pursued me, texted a lot, and I brushed her off a bit. Then I started thinking okay I'll give this a chance, felt safe that she was absolutely interested, saw her in a different light one evening - and agreed to meet up 1 on 1. I realized as soon as I saw her for our "date" that I was falling for her. Two nice dates, and suddenly the tables have turned. I learn she was only interested in me as a friend all along (not sure I believe it), she has ex drama, she's not looking for a relationship, she's not interested in *me* but now I'm hooked and want to be fully in this. She said she needs time - for something, I'm not sure what. We are doing the friend thing but I am certain it's not working out for me since I'm constantly feeling hurt. I think it's time for me to move on.
hmm Been there and done that too much. It is extremely hard, OP. Met a guy a few years ago that I fell completely in love with. He would mildly flirt and say things that would lead me on and it was obvious he really enjoyed spending time with me. Heck, people told me that I was all he would talk about. I eventually told him I did have feelings and he respectfully told me he loved me as a friend, but that was it.
Now here is the mistake I made. I thought I could handle being friends with him and I did for quite a while. It was still hurtful to see him with other guys, but as time went on, I realized that he was not quite the person I fell for. He is a class A narcissist who loves any and all attention. We would still have a good time together, but as soon as he got a boyfriend I became an afterthought for him.
Fast forward another year to now - our friendship has deteriorated further - I decided he was incapable of being a good friend. I cut the cord - don't seek him out, don't call, don't text, don't email. Why? Because I was putting too much energy into a friendship that wasn't paying out for me. In fact, it became clear I couldn't share things with him as a friend. I feel some loss for the friendship, but know this is helping me by avoiding his ego and narcissism.
I met someone else over the summer - it was fun and though it didn't turn out the way I planned, I finally freed my heart and energy and it felt great. Meanwhile, the narcissist is finding new acolytes to join his worship service. I feel sorry for them.
I deal with it by waylaying random strangers, carving them up, and making lampshades out of their skin and soup bowls out of their skulls. A hobby can be a great diversion!
R39, there is only one sure way for you to tell her true intentions. Rent a U-Haul, surprise her by pulling up in front of her workplace, blast the horn, or even a K.D. Lang song, kick open the passenger door while holding a single red rose between your teeth. If she comes running out, tears streaking down her face, and launches herself into the passenger seat then you know you have at least a couple of months together. If she stands in the window staring out at you with a distant look on her face, well, it just isn't meant to be.
Get a new obsession. Find another guy to date. This other guy's relationship won't last...plus, when he knows you're with another man he'll get jealous.
Threaten to get an abortion and then throw acid on his car!
[quote]I learned that not only was I correct about the feelings not being mutual, but I didn't realize the friendship feelings weren't mutual either.
[quote]Put The Smiths' "Well I Wonder" on replay and stay in bed for a couple of days.
I made an endless loop of the song "Are 'Friends' Electric?" and played it for hours at a time. Think I still have it on CD somewhere.
Just move the fuck on. I embarrassed myself with falling in love with a guy I ended up having no chances with, and the worst part is that I ended up becoming a whiny love-struck puppy that morphed into a nasty bitch and only after that did I manage to take control of myself and cut all the contact with him. (The bitchy part came from me feeling like he lead me on.)
Had I been wise I would've kept completely quiet about my feelings from the start and just stayed the hell away from him. Now that I've been lifting weights for some time I imagine that doing this kind of exercise routine that ends up making me looking and feeling better would've helped then. Instead of making him think that I'm a fucking crazy asshole I would've just faded away from his life and would've become a centered dude with muscles.
You grow up, get over your selfish sense of entitlement, nad stop buying into that someone-for-everyone garbage.
Then you stop spending your money on anything that isn't fucking you.
Yeah, R46, just shut up, settle, and pretend you lvoe table scraps as much as a five-star meal.
The Hot People Society
Yeah, just find someone else. Realize your feelings don't count one bit, even if people tell you they do.
Just make sure the someone else realizes that you're going to do to them what your unrequited love did to you.
Tell the hot guy: "Should I treat ugly guys the way you treated me?"
It's not "bad judgement" OP. Typically, this kind of person does this to a lot of people. And nobody has good judgement when it comes to others' intimate feelings. The truth is, you are closer to him than most married couples, even with him rejecting you. You need to understand your feelings are only yours. That even if he had said yes, he wouldn't feel the same about you that you feel about him, and that you could have spent years of your life coupled with someone only to have him dump you for a shinier, newer model because he never felt what you did. Consider yourself lucky you were not more invested than you were.
All love is unrequited. You may get someone who goes through the motions of reciprocation, but nobody feels exactly about us as we feel about them. It's just reality. When you fall in love with someone, you must never lose a sense of yourself and your own worth, so if you are rejected - and it can happen after 45 years together, nobody "Owns" anyone else's heart - you will always be strong enough to carry on. Remember, no matter what they tell you about loving families and children, in the end everyone dies alone so don't use "love" as a substitute for making yourself complete. Use "love" only to honor others and erase any expectation that they will feel the same about you. That way you will always have nice surprises when someone does care.
I recommend Buddhism and meditation. Not as a religion, but following their tenets more as a life philosophy. One suggestion is to separate yourself from your feelings. Don't ignore or suppress them; acknowledge them - let yourself experience what it feels like - but let it be like a wave that washes over you and moves on. Don't try to struggle against it and get caught in it. Think of your feelings not as an internal part of 'you', but external to 'you'. 'You' are not made by your emotions. There is the core 'you', and your feelings are outside that influencing you. I'm not a teacher, sorry. You need a monk or something to say it better I guess. Good luck OP!
But core love doesn't come from feelings but from values and thoughts R52. Treating it as just as an emotion is not to deal with the thing at all, I've found.
OP, if you are able to support yourself, take comfort in that. I have been out of work for over two years now with no hope in sight. I have a masters degree and experience but mid-level folks really got squeezed out during this last recession. If you're late in your career or just starting out you have a much better chance of finding work than someone in my position. I have been living off the charity of friends, and it's reached a breaking point. I have no family to help me. I'm probably a few weeks away from being homeless or getting my hands on a bunch of pills and taking that way out.
Share some of your pills with me.. R55
R18, will hostess PANTS work? I've got a pair I've been trying to unload for over 50 years.
The greatest tragedy of heartache is that even though you suffer greatly, it's very boring to other people, especially complete strangers.
Oh, we've all been there. Those who say time will heal it are right. Let yourself feel it, but don't let it consume you. At some point you'll realize it doesn't matter that much anymore.
I fell for a guy, we dated a few months, and then he dropped me. He was honest and said he just wasn't feeling it. At first it really hurt. I saw him out and about a few times and just left wherever it was. About a year later we ran into each other at a store. We made brief small talk. After that, I thought to myself, "Why the hell was I so caught up with this guy?" I didn't feel anything anymore.
You'll get there. Give it time.
Again, another reason why I'm glad I'm the epitome of the WASP. These constant emotions that some people feel.
Go find someone with a huge dick. Preferably a hung Rican who has a thing for blue-eyed blonds. Go to some rundown motel, have him treat you like shit for an hour or so. Stretch your hole. You'll be as good as new.
This will pretty much get you over anything.
How does the old DataLounge chestnut go?
"Never make someone a priority who only considers you a mere option."
R61, Someone I considered "a mere option" made me "a priority." And I dumped him as soon as I met another guy, whom I then made "a priority."
Naturally, the new guy dumped me a few months later, giving me my first broken heart. I ran into Guy #1 at a bar a few months later and brought him home so he could "revenge fuck" me.
Oh, why had I ever dumped David? He was just my type, a fabulous Long Island Jewish boy with a huge cock, and he had been crazy about me a year earlier.
I was so shallow, I dumped him because he was one of these "design queens" and his living room was painted lavender. Oh, and he smoked pot, something I was trying to avoid.
But he was only interested in me for that one night, to show me again what I was missing.
What's that song about "foolish little girl, fickle little girl, you didn't want him when he wanted you..."?
Thanks guys for all the good suggestions!
I am really hoping to get over him by next month. A group of us will be going to Amsterdam for a weekend next month (I can't pull out), and the other guy lives there. I do not want to feel hurt or awkward when I know they will be fucking.
It is getting there though. I am starting to see that the person I "fell in love with" is not the same person in reality.
I'm in this situation with someone at work. So I get to see him everyday and think he's cute and want to be texting him constantly, but I have to just try and ignore him as much as possible. No, I never told him how I felt. Yes, I'm looking for a new job.
As I've often shared in these pages (but not in the last couple of months), I briefly worked earlier in the year with a much younger (26 to my 55) fellow lawyer who moved to my home state where his wife had accepted her choice for her residency. The connection between us was immediate and electric. So much so that soon he was referencing our chemistry, while telling colleagues we were in a bromance (a pretty rare relationship between men of such disparate ages). After our project ended - and mostly at my friend's initiation - we enjoyed a series of what he called man dates. On these occasions, he would repeatedly make comments that suggested an attraction. He once said that I was pretty enough to be in front of a camera (when we worked we had talked about who would play us in the movies, & he had said it would have to be someone very handsome - I told him that went without saying). In response to my mentioning that I was taunted as a schoolboy he asked if they were bullying handsome boys back then. When we approached a J. Crew store on a post-dinner walk, he kept saying that I, "dapper," as he kept saying, in a seersucker suit, could model for the store. He also one gently told me that I spread kindness & warmth wherever I go. At his wife's purported insistence (after hearing much about me), my friend asked if his wife could intrude on our man date. I sprung for top-shelf tickets behind home plate at a baseball game in early June. I overheard her telling her husband that these were the best seats she had ever had for a baseball game. I found her dealings with me to be often combative. In our subsequent exchanges, my friend never once mentioned his wife enjoying meeting me and certainly there was no offer of reciprocation coming from her. As I wondered if his wife would put the kibosh on our continuing relationship, I refrained from initiating contact, and waited to next hear from him. At our penultimate man date, my friend for the first time hinted that things may not be all that rosy at home, pointing out how difficult it is to live with an emotional & high strung person. He added that just days earlier, in response to something she said, he had to bite his tongue to remain married. And so, "today I'm still married." I teased him that the day was still young. In response, he said that he didn't want to do anything "today" that he would regret for the rest of his life. To the extent he was talking about us, I thought the comment quite telling because the subject of sex had never been raised, & certainly nothing of the sort had been raised overtly as a possibility for the evening. Sex and my sexuality had never come up because, frankly, my gay bona fides has always been seriously in question. Many of my gay friends have long said I was not gay because I have no real interest in sex per se. Instead, although exceedingly rare, I have, as in this instance, formed amazingly intense emotional connection with men. Although I never mentally undressed my friend, I longed to hold him and explore what might be comfortable between the two of us. Two weeks after our penultimate man date, we went to another ball game. On this occasion, he expressed how fortunate we were that we got to meet. He acted very much like he was part of a couple by presuming to order for me (I had got the tickets, he paid for the food). We both teased each other about our "prettiness." The lone possible discordant note came when I mentioned that he enjoyed man dates with many other men. He appeared hurt, asking why I would say that. Shortly thereafter, in early August, he abruptly ended all communications (in the past, I had experienced silence from him, quickly followed by profuse apologies). I am left to wonder if he thought we were flying too close to the sun (or was it just me?), but I have respected his decision & have kept my distance. I fear that I will never see him again. I miss him so.
R65 Paragraphs are your friend.
I'm sure your story is very nice, but since you didn't bother breaking it into readable paragraphs, I only read the first six lines, and skimmed the rest.
R66 I didn't even get past the second line.
R67 Are there people who can read that?
I liked what R65 wrote, and I hope that he finds peace. I am missing my unrequited love tonight, too. Because I had to cut him out of my life once I realized that I had feelings for him that wouldn't be reciprocated. And I loved hanging out with him.
I skimmed through r65's post, but I believe that he was in love with a married man. The married man told him that he was attractive, and perhaps led him on. Married man's wife was a needy bitch. Married man didn't want to be friend's with R65 anymore.
I thought I was too old for this kind of shit, but a few years ago I saw this incredibly sexy cowboy(not my usual type at all)in a club I started going to. Freaking sex on two legs and I would imagine a very nice third leg. I just thought I'd have some great eye candy to look at whenever I came in.
One night I was at the bar talking with a friend when the cowboy started talking to her, then me. He turned out to be a real sweetheart and would make it a point to come over and sit and talk with me whenever I came in. That did it. Smokin' hot and sweet was too much. I fell for him even though I knew he was straight.
It was a miserable couple of years. My song to be miserable to was "You're Beautiful". Forget MARY--it was just pathetic! Even finding out he faults(deadbeat dad, alcoholic) didn't lessen the insanity. I wanted to throw him against the wall and suck his face off. For starters. And to make matters worse, several times he said he loved me. He even said it once after he knew I was gay.
While I'm not in that misery anymore, I still fantasize about sucking his dick and eating out his ass. All. The. Time. There's no fool like and old fool, I guess.
Listen to DLs advice, it is extremely helpful. I speak from experience, I fell for a woman who played with me and found someone to date while giving me signals (that's what everyone thought anyway).
It was painful but it healed and I've been in a great relationship with the most womderful and kind woman for almost a year now. And she understands that I'm DLs bitch.
R65 thinks the failure was that he interpreted R65's comment as implying he was gay, which he is surely is. But I don't think so. I think it likely the wife put her foot down again.
[quote] Paragraphs are your friend.
My original, unedited version was replete with paragraphs. However, I discovered that DL limits the length of any one post so, due to the length of my original comments, I had to make some major edits and delete paragraphs to come within space requirements.
If I didn't have unrequited love, I'd have no love at all.
Cliff notes: R65 had an imaginary relationship with a straight married man because he's a pseudo-closeted asexual weird man who cannot form real meaningful relations with people around him.
Wrong R73, if a man really wants homosex, no mere wife will get in his way. Dude was either straight or conflicted and self loathing about it and that's why he abruptly aborted the friendship with his gay co-worker.
R74 Use two posts.
Can I get you some coffee Mr. Tolstoy?
The dude in R65's story was gay.
The "straight" men gays deal with in this manner are anything but.
It's like if you call a man gay, his reaction will reveal a lot.
If he's gay, he'll say "Oh no, not me! I'm straight! I like WOMEN! Of course I do how could you think otherwise TEE-HEE!"
If he's straight, four of your teeth will be on the floor.
I was really into this guy I went out with a couple of times after my last long term relationship. All we ever did was kiss, but I really liked him...then he just quit calling. It took a while, but I was hung up on him for months-- but if we had kept seeing each other, I wouldn't have met my great current BF who I've been with for 3 years.
Finally realized the "unrequited" guy was just someone I was projecting my desire to be in a relationship again upon. He's actually a bit of a mess, I now realize. Attractive and successful, but has never been in a real relationship. Did run into him at a party a few months ago and he kissed my neck and told me how "fucking hot" I was and asked why we never got it on. I just laughed at him and walked away.
[quote]R80: If he's straight, four of your teeth will be on the floor.
Right, because "fey" is short for "facepuncher."
R81, I had a similar relationship end on our fourth "date," when we ran into his parents at the movie theatre. He just couldn't handle what he would have had to explain to them if he had been able to tell them the truth, i.e., the fact that he was gay.
Just got through R65's novella. All that drama and all he wants to do his "hold" his young man?!?
Pain is unavoidable. Suffering is optional.
It is patently obvious that OP doesn't even know the object of his affection or, at best, has a very limited acquaintanceship through others. This, however, has never stopped OP from becoming obsessed with his crushes until another unfortunate, unknown person gets on his radar.
Am going through this as well with two different men. I fall in love too easily.
One of the guys just told me he's way too busy to have a relationship but still wants to see me. We've had a few dates that ended up with heavy making out, and lots of phone conversations.
Our living situations are such that it would not be easy to spend the night with each other.
The other man is/was a fuck buddy in a sexless LTR who pursued me heavily on line. We finally met and clearly had great sex, but he now seems to be avoiding me. I didn't take him seriously before and yet now I find myself nearly stalking him! WTF?!
No one has ever stuck his tongue down my throat within the first 90 seconds of meeting, then stripped off my clothes and thrown me on his bed 30 minutes later. Guess I really liked it.
r65, thanks for your detailed post. I vividly remember your original post about that relationship.
It is painfully obvious that your charming, young, hottie is aware of his own sexual attraction to you -- as is his wife.
As a resident, the wife works long hours. Convince him to meet you for drink(S) early after work, catch up on things casually.
Then ask him to follow you back to your place because you need help moving a dresser. If he goes that far, it should be easy to seduce him.
Please be certain to report back with the results here.
Thanks in advance.
Love is a lie and most relationships turn to shit before you can blink an eye. It'd be so much better if we could mute our emotions. It would lead to more mature, healthy and lasting relationships, actually. Our internal 'software' is like Windows. As we evolved and it 'upgraded' all that was really happening was more coding was loped on top of the old. The result is a hodge podge that's very frustrating. Our rational brain can tell us one thing, while our emotions lead us completely the wrong way. Time for someone to hack the human brain and program us a new 'operating system' from scratch! No more panic attacks when making presentations. No more remembering embarrassing moments in detail but forgetting important stuff. All kinds of benefits. Too bad the NIH is shut down, huh bitches?
Thanks for your supportive words, R88, they mean a lot. It is some comfort to cling (on better days) to the belief that is the shared feelings - and not unease with my obvious interest - that has prompted the apparent end of the friendship. But in my current despair, I fear that the comments of R76 - however ungenerous - may be more apt.
And R73, my teasing jibe was not intended to suggest that he was gay but just that I was merely another one of his friends. I can see, though, how it may have been received as you suggest ... and caused him to run.
This morning, two months to the day since
I last heard from him, as our respective baseball teams (really his 2nd team, near where he went to law school & where his wife's from) face elimination in the playoffs, I go a text from my friend. What great, unanticipated bliss!
He hoped I was doing well & said his fingers were crossed for my team. Since he once said he caught himself saying "we" when talking about my team & immediately thinking of me at the time, I responded (after telling him how great it was to hear from him & hoping he was doing well) that if "our" team didn't win, we'd all be fans of the other team. A series of baseball-related texts followed.
I don't know what, if anything, will ensue, but I will continue to let him make that call if he needs to feel his way through a process. But at least I can rule out that his silence reflected some hatred or disgust for me, a thought I seriously weighed while trying to come to terms with the abrupt seeming end to our relationship.
I went through it a few years ago. I met a guy and it was love at first sight for me. He was attracted to me, too, but he had just gotten out of a relationship with someone who constantly cheated on him and he did not want another relationship. He had a FB and he was willing to be 'friends with benefits' with me but I didn't want that because I knew I would be killing myself each time he saw his FB. We decided to be friends who snog a lot.
I was sure that, if I waited long enough, he would eventually decide he was ready for a relationship. After being friends for a year he stopped seeing his FB but he didn't tell me for a couple of months. When he finally told me, I was primed to really be in love with this guy. Well, we were beginning to get into it one night and I asked him if this meant that we were now boyfriends. He hit the roof. He screamed that I knew he didn't want a relationship and I should be happy that at least he wasn't seeing his FB anymore and that I was never satisfied.
That was it. We haven't seen each other since although we do email each other occasionally. He did start a relationship a few months later and when I told him that I was sad that it wasn't with me, he said he didn't want the first real relationship after the break-up to be with me because he was sure he couldn't make it last and he didn't want to hurt me again. He was right. They broke up after a few months.
Am in a similar situation as you, Ciaran, only I'm the guy you were snogging. But am starting to fall for my FB (who is unhappily partnered) while dating someone else who is too busy to have a serious relationship. Could fall for him, too. Haven't told him about the FB and it feels like I'm cheating on him with my FB, who is now cheating on his partner.
Was in an LTR with a chronic cheater for 25 years. Doubt that I'll ever be capable of sustaining a monogamous relation again. Strangely, I also feel like I'm cheating on my ex.
I was just stood up this evening. I feel better, but there was a 2,500 calorie binge in between then and now. It may not be the best method of dealing with it.
Oh I knew my unrequited love wouldn't have lasted even if he had given in. And if he had, it probably would have been more devastating for me than it was. But it would have done him a world of good, and that's what love was for me. As it is, he has been miserable most of his adult life, and I'm sure it would have turned out differently for him if we'd been together. He would have had more confidence and freedom.
R65, when you worked with him were you in a position to help his career? Sorry, but I'm wondering if that is why he was so friendly.
Sorry for the being stood up, r94. Have enjoyed your many posts on this thread.
Am wondering if the guy who stood you up "chickened out".
I could see myself doing the same thing, especially with online dates. I tend to self-sabotage relationships with guys I'm very attracted to and who like me.
You seem to know a lot about this guy. Have you had an online relationship with him and this was the first meet-up? Otherwise, if you already knew him and he stood you up, why no follow-up contact? Doesn't make sense.
You wrote [quote}But it would have done him a world of good, and that's what love was for me. As it is, he has been miserable most of his adult life, and I'm sure it would have turned out differently for him if we'd been together. He would have had more confidence and freedom.
That's a tall order. I wasted nearly my entire adult life, not to mention my finances, on trying to help and "change" my ex partner who has multiple issues. Got my own issues, too. Should have dealt with them instead of his. Don't get me wrong: we were once very much in love and that was a positive experience.
At this stage of my life, all I want is a regular, mature, fuck buddy with as little drama as possible and lots of laughs and cum loads. A few hours of intimacy per week and I'm good to go.
The two guys I'm seeing are dream boats, but as you said in another post, nobody "owns" another person's heart. Am trying not to fall in love so easily, or at least not show them my cards. I just want to boink them and accept my fantasies about being in love for what they are -- just fantasies. Am dating two men who are ultimately unavailable. When a man is attracted to me, I tend to ignore all of his flaws. But in the meantime, I'm having some fun, brief adventures.
Would rather just do a guy than have unrequited love. Giving a blow job in a parking lot has been more satisfying than giving away my heart. It is sort of a form of love and caring, but it does provide a sense of closure. When they kiss me, my knees get week. It feels great in the moment, but is temporary. As you said, we all end up dying alone.
I think you should call the guy and give him another chance for you to ravish him. The clock is ticking, whether we're having fun or not. We might as well at least have fun until that clock stops. Just my two cents.
r65, I still feel that you should pursue him for the purposes of: 1) Fun; and 2) Some type of closure.
He's into you but is clearly struggling with his sexuality. You could help him with that. And get your rocks off, too. Probably won't end well, but so what?
Your honesty and guidance will probably help him in the long run. And it will help you to move on, as well. Man-up, be honest, and move on. You are stuck on this branch. Not good. Maybe he's really straight, but there's only one way he can find out. You can't expect to be riding off into the sunset with this confused, married dude but you can create a memorable experience.
I use my left hand for a while.
No, R91. And we haven't worked together since mid-March, before any of our man dates.
Due to subsequent events, I'm now persuaded that the words my friend & his wife had - which required him to bite his tongue to remain married - were about me (as was his subsequent statement that he didn't want to do anything that night that he would regret). The plans to go to dinner - initiated wholly by him - were made by the time of this exchange. And this get-together was the first time we'd be seeing each other since my friend, his wife & I got together a month earlier - where I was the recipient of her repeated combativeness, and, by the end of the night, chilliness. I believed then - and even more so now - that she felt threatened by my friend's relationship with me. In addition to what I pointed out about that dinner in my initial post, I forgot to add that he followed-up with an e-mail that included kind of a cutesy moniker for me.
Based on his abrupt decision to cut-off contact not much later (after we had a typically wonderful time at the baseball game two weeks later), I believe that either the wife laid down the law to her husband or that my friend believed our undoubted closeness posed a risk to his marriage. That he has - two months hence - tentatively initiated contact tells me that he misses me. Whether he makes an effort to see me remains to be seen.
r65, I hope you bed him soon.
How are you doing, R65?
I'm doing well, R102. How nice of you to ask. I have not heard from my friend since he initiated a series of baseball-related texts a month ago. I miss him terribly & think of him always. As I remember him telling me how lucky we were to have met when last we saw each other, the dreamer in me hopes that our story is not yet over. The realist in me, though, is left to wonder otherwise.
Wow OP, you have no idea how similar a story I have. My friend's wife was particularly vile to me though and even turned his kids against me (Great kids, this particularly hurt). I finally told the wife off and I have not been welcome in their home in months. Changed our friendship and I basically get a text a month. I got a text last weekend and again last night and decided that I can no longer have this person in my life. I basically fell in love with him and could not accept this for awhile. I feel like my life is over (and I also just recently found out about a possible loss of my job this winter).
But I know ceasing contact is a must because I stopped pursuing romantic relationships due to my delusional fantasies.
My friend was quite a flirt with me and that was not a good thing.
I will miss him forever I think. I never expected to feel so much pain. I have noticed I am drinking a lot more too.
I wish you well-
OP, in your situation, it still seems like your friend has significant unresolved issues to deal with. Not that you'll soon be riding off into the sunset together.
But it sounds like you could benefit from some type of closure.
Time heals everything, r104. Am also unemployed, so I felt similar vulnerability.
Hang in there.
Am not the OP, but posted a related thread: "I just broke up with my straight boyfriend". Not sure how to post a link. Sorry.
The subject of my affection really seemed to be playing with my heart, but I don't think he realized it; he was just being his cute, attention-needing self. I was honest with him and told him that I was falling for him and could not handle the situation.
It's now been a year since I ended our unusual friendship and am glad I did so. Turns out he's really not gay, but I think our OP here is dealing with a different story.
Nevertheless, we're all playing with fire when dealing with someone who is unavailable to us, for whatever reason.
Being "in love" is a snare and a delusion. Loving someone because you know them well and still love them is not. Falling in love is giving in to our own fantasies and suspending disbelief. It's just like a child believing with all his heart that Santa is real and will reward him with presents if he's a good boy. Only if you realize that falling in love is an illusion and can step back from it before the illusion inevitably shatters, can you indulge in it. Few people can pull this off. It took years for me to realize the difference between mutual love that takes time to develop and crushing on a guy who seems to fulfill our own fantasies. And believe me, it's much better to love than to be in love.
Nonsense R107. There is no such thing as "mutual love," and you are falsely conflating "falling in love" with "unrequited love." You are in for a rude awakening when that dude you thought you knew runs off with the massage therapist.
Ugh.. Stupid Cupid. Met this girl who seemed very kind and was always very friendly and at time flirtatious. Didn't think much of her till I spent more time with her (she kept hanging out in my lab). Unfortunately I ended up falling for her. Turns out she had a boyfriend which I only found out about when she found out that I had fallen for her. Since then she's been like a cold fish and seems very irritable at my presence.
Let it go. In the years to come you will laugh about what a fool you were when you harbored those feelings, clinging to the unattainable. Eventually you'll find you match.
"(The bitchy part came from me feeling like he lead me on.)"
I feel for you, OP. Experiencing the same, but for a professional. Should have been more careful. Ouch.
this happened to me recently; the feelings snuck on me. I thought I had it under contro then one day I heard someone start talking about my crush outloud and it hit me-- this guy is flirty with everyone and lots of people end up feeling this way.
suddenly, I didn't feel special; realized he wasn't really fond of me; this is just who he is.
He heard that I was dissing him; actually, was just venting some frustrations. He asked, 'Don't you like me?'
I told him the truth; it felt great.
Crushes fade, OP.
Sadly, they come around again.
OP, it's about money. Make money, become successful, date the hottest guys that way. F him.
Find your boyfriend within!
one day you will wake up, and not think about it anymore. so indulge in your favorite junk food, watch depressing movies, listen to the saddest songs you can think of, and cry your heart out. life goes on. its sad, but true, and you will be better off.
my god R65. that story just completely broke my heart. damn that bastard to hell!
Wow, R65! I was reading your story with such dread. It was building to what could have been a dramatic and emotional 'break up'. You should be proud of the fact that you handled yourself with maturity and class. And you did exactly the correct thing in maintaining your distance.
Suffer and move on.
I echo the long, long time comments.
But on a more practical level, try to focus on how you don't want to be into or with someone who isn't into you back.
Try to look for the things you don't really like or want about him. Basically, try to understand that it's really not for you.
Try to distract yourself with other pursuits.
Unrequited love isn't real love. It's emotions, it's feelings, it's hopes and dreams but it isn't real love because you're not loved back.
Suck it up, grow up, and emerge into real life.
Paragraphs are your friend R65. Couldn't read your post in hat big block of text, but it sounded interesting from others' posts.
Cradle some coffee, wearing a big wooly sweater.
OP, you sound just a tad twee.
I know what you're feeling OP and it sucks. Knew this girl who I tried not to fall for since I figured she wouldn't ever be into me because I thought she was straight and she was just beautiful. Well we hung out but I would keep my emotions in check and she would straddle me, tell me she loved me, admitted to being jealous when I texted another girl, and said we had to pretend we were a couple when we planned a trip to Provincetown.
Stupid me took these as signs that she was into me so when we got into an argument and she ignored me for three days after I texted her I admitted my feelings to her and she said I was delusional and she is not interested in me. I admit that stung. I sent her a message that it would be better if we don't talk and two days letters she texts me a funny picture. I'm thinking she wants to talk again so when I text her she starts ignoring me all over again. I'm stuck feeling bad all over again. Not fun and I feel for everyone who is dealing with these feelings.
Thanks, R116 & 117 for your kind & supportive words. My unrequited love may be ruthless - in fact, the last time I saw him he was enthusiastically leading the cheers for an obstructing fan in the row ahead of us to be ejected & I turned to him & teasingly called him ruthless (he beamed in response) - but he's no bastard. While I knew him, he repeatedly - in different contexts - would say that he's a man of his word. I'm sure he sees that his ultimate obligation is to his wife. He's amazingly honorable.
Perhaps in time (and he & his wife may move back to one of their alternative home states when the wife's residency ends in two more years), he will tire of his wife's "emotional & high strung personality," which he had said was so difficult to live with, and favorably contrast my "warm & kind" personality which has given him all the space he may need right now.
I failed to mention one tidbit that should leave no doubt here about my friend's sexuality. When he complimented my suit at dinner (& saying I could model), he also pointed out how much he liked my shoes :)
R121, see R74 for my explanation for the absence of paragraphs in my original post.
You're just too special. Too special. You'll find someone else to moon over soon. No worries.
I have to say, I am no longer interested in my unrequited love. I just found out that he and a mutual friend are "friends with benefits". He's not the guy I thought he was. Even then, it would be complicated dating him. Everytime he and our friend hang out alone, I'd probably get paranoid if they are fucking behind my back.
OP/r65, have posted several times in your support; however, I did not quite get that he's only 26 while you are already 55 until now. Chances are low that would make for a sustainable, LTR.
Nevertheless, this young man is clearly attracted to you: sexually, emotionally, and intellectually. You guys get along well.
When I was 21, I finished college early and entered a professional career that year. Lost my glasses, braces, acne, bad hairstyle, and 70's high school wardrobe that year; grew some facial hair to look older, and over the next few years, became a homo sex kitten... yet still closeted.
I befriended an incredibly handsome colleague, who turned out to be 49. He looked like Dennis Weaver in "McCloud". He became a bit obsessed with me and was divorced, complete with six kids, some of whom were likely school classmates of mine.
We met on numerous, happy, man-dates together, until finally, the logistics worked out, and we ended up having passionate, uninhibited sex. Was a Top back then. The sex was incredible. Learned a lot. Can't tell you how beautiful this older man was.
He had to make the first move because I was young and naïve. Best sex I ever had. I had a "girl friend". That was a path I'd been sent down on by force of others. She was perfect, but didn't have a cock and the hairy chest that I wanted to lick.
It was months before we finally hooked up after extended flirting. Our flings provided enough closure on an intense but impossible relationship as they did for new beginnings for us both.
LTR was never in the works. Once it was confirmed that I was gay, I moved on to a guy closer to my age. Hope I didn't break my sexy, older FB's heart, but I'm sure he had other options to explore.
This thread is healing. one step at a time.
I am NOT R65!!! I am not 55 yo!!!
This thread has become a haven for people to post and let out their painful unrequited love. Not all of them are mine.
shall we all get back to it being about the OP's situation, rather than regurgitating our own little romantic disappointments?
He's my Minister of Joy, my Prefect of Perfect, my Secretary-General of Hotness. And he thinks I'm a loser.
Me thinks you need to discuss with the Minister of Pharmaceuticals. Sounding just this side of obsessive and weird.
"I first met him initially. He's really cute though and has a personality that is quite endearing. It was actually the thought that he liked me that made me reconsider. I wouldn't have given him much thought otherwise" But you're not "in love," you're in the grip of an obsession. Someone--however charismatic--rejects you and you suddenly decide you are in love with him? No. There's no rationality there. You might regret the situation and pine away for him in some phantasmagoric way, but you are NOT, nor have you ever been IN LOVE with this paragon of all human virtue, period. I think, frankly, that you need to persist in this delusion because it keeps you safely single, to fuel your narcissistic fury at being rejected. Time will heal your wound, yes, but there will always be fresh meat for your fantasy, unless you figure out what your problem is, preferably in consultation with an experience therapist.
Put on a life preserver and wallow.
How does one go about "letting myself fall madly in love with him."?
Not sure about you, but I could not have stopped it, if I had wanted to. Isn't it something that just happens? You have no control over.
OP, you are boring. Am only interested in r65 story.
We need an update, r65.
Usually, unrequited love is a game, whereby the target leads on a less-desirable suitor, in search of ego validation for being wanted, then pulls the rug out once they have it, and try to make the other into the bad guy.
These are the people who tell you to trust othres, to follow your heart, so they can more easily manipulate your head. Ignore them, and make yourself invulnerable to their manipulations, and many will wind up chasing you, thus proving it's a game.
MOst people will not obsess over someone who has not sent a clear signal that they might be interested, or if they do, they will do so repeatedly.
I agree with r139 and there are many people who need ego boost this way. But I was the subject of some guys' unrequited love while I myself was crazy about another lady (I'm a girl). And this is not something I want to experience again, let alone lead someone on I'm not interested at all. How quickly the so called unrequited love becomes obsession, stalking, etc. - quite scary.
Thanks for the interest in my story. Sadly, there has been no additional contact from my friend since my last update. And, even though my friend is never far from my thoughts (in truth, I think about him always), I have continued to respect his apparent need to put space between us by maintaining my distance.
To the extent that I don't go to that place where I think that I wildly misread my friend, I continue to take some comfort in his asking me at our last "man date" if I knew how lucky we were to have met. To then fade to black as we did immediately thereafter makes me wonder if either his strong feelings for me - and the mortal threat this posed to his young marriage - or perhaps his wife's ultimatum informed his thinking.
I also cling to the possibility that sometime in the not too distant future we will once again find ourselves working together in close proximity, if not, as before, directly together. If nothing else, I'd like to look into to his eyes to see if there's anything there.
BTW, while reviewing my original post I realized that in the, yes, editing process, I may have left a mistaken impression. In noting that "when we worked we had talked about who would play us in the movies, & he had said it would have to be someone very handsome - I told him that went without saying[,]" he was talking about himself, not me. Although, as I have pointed out, he was pretty liberal in gratuitously complimenting me on my appearance, he would also look to me for validating his looks. With his wife next to him in his car, and I was in the back seat, he told me of an interest in a particular job and asked if the employer would be interested in a handsome man with a great vocabulary. And in the context of casting an actor to play him, I also told him that I had screen tested half the actors in Hollywood under the age of 30 and none of them were good looking enough to play him.
Fuck a ton of guys. Worked for me. Now I see my once longed for ex and feel nothing.
Get over it!
r65, I'm among those who keep bumping this thread for your updates.
Might have already posted this before, but who cares, will do it again.
I was once that younger guy. I was insecure, married, gay, closeted, and deeply attracted to older men. The "Daddy Issues" armchair psychobabble analysis bored me then as it still does now. I like what I like.
I did end up divorcing my wife and landed in a passionate relationship with a man twice my age. It lasted less than a year. The age difference was the least of our dysfunction. My ex-wife figured out that the lie had to end. No regrets. Best sex ever. The relationship enabled both of us to learn some things and then move forward with our lives.
"Snap out of it."
There, fixed it for you, R143
It's sad but he doesn't love you, don't be too needy, move on, you don't know what tomorrow will bring.
[R47] BITCH! You just hurt my feelings. I definately get what you're saying though. I once expericed a moment of rage after a break up when I realized I had foolishly invested my energy, time, and MONEY into the relationship with the fool. Hah, Stupid young love.
Anything new, r65?
It is the only form of love I've ever known... and I know it from both sides.
And I don't deal with it well on either end. You'd think I'd be better, given all the practice... but no.
When I was younger I would spiral into a depression, wait it out and get back on my feet. Now it's those times when I don't requite someone else's affections that cause me the most pain. I can much more easily deal with someone else not being into me like that; it's no longer a big deal. I know my worth and that there are a great many people who love me and a great many people who love and desire me. What's more I love myself and feel good about myself. But I really don't like hurting someone else.
Nothing, R148. And, despite the fact that I'm an inordinately patient man who always understood the likely need to take the long view of things here, it's obviously very difficult at this late date - nearly 6 months after my friend & I last saw each other & over 3 months since we had any contact whatsoever - to have much faith that a future between us will ever be realized. Even if his presence in my life is destined to be but fleeting, I remain grateful for having gotten the opportunity to know this amazing man. As he himself observed when I last saw him, we - of different generations and parts of the country - were so lucky to have met.
Thanks for your (continuing?) interest. I'll be sure to provide an update if & when there is any further contact.
I deal with it my jerking off.
This thread helps. Heartbreak is universal.
Unrequited love is like religion: unfulfilled illusion. Most "love" is unrequited and a good thing too. This would be a very bored and disappointed world, otherwise.
We should started a new and more interesting thread: unrequited murder. In fact, I'll start one now!
All love is unrequited R155. You are living in a dream world.
Link to the unrequited murder thread below. R156 is also invited to my dream world of unrequited murder! Muhahaha...
Thanks for the update, r152.
I would hope to hear someday that you are dating someone else -- someone attainable -- even if it's not love at first sight. I should talk. Have been holding out for my married guy, but that will never happen and it feels like I've put a big part of my life on hold.
The unrequited part of your love (at least, while you were still seeing each other as friends) was physical. Seems like the two of you otherwise had a deep connection.
Meanwhile, I've only ever seen my crush during sex. We still haven't had a single conversation, which he seems to be avoiding. Understandably so, if he doesn't want to get emotionally involved.
I just said goodbye to him via text, shut that door, and locked it. Haven't looked at his response yet. Doing so will enable me to move on to the next unattainable man I allow myself to fall for...
I'm just curious about why you didn't tell your guy that you were/are not only attracted to him, but also in love with him? Again, I am projecting; I never told my man how much time I spend thinking about him. Am wondering which is harder: making oneself vulnerable to rejection or carrying around the burden of dishonesty?
If possible, please link to other threads you've posted on!
The joke is on you R155. I never existed in real life. I am just a post-hypnotic suggestion implanted in your brain by a frenemy of your dad's who was with the MK-Ultra project. But you will never be rid of me since I have been implanted in your mind and will eventually drive you to a particularly grisly end.
R148/R152, I never expressly told my friend of my feelings because (1) he was married, (2) considering the disparity in our ages, I didn't want to come off as a predator, & (3) notwithstanding the occasional seemingly provocative stimuli from him that I cherry-picked & oft-documented here, I must have sensed deep down that he didn't really reciprocate my great longing for him. But despite my silence in this regard, I don't think he harbored any real doubt about how much I really cared for him. In the end, though, his love for his wife and/or the promise of their future family life together proved to be too much to overcome. As he said in our penultimate man date, "I just don't want to do anything today that I'd regret for the rest of my life."
As to me meeting someone new, I identify so strongly with the sentiments of the gay college president in The Art of Fielding who, at the age of 60, was having a relationship with a 21-year old gay student-athlete on the school's baseball team. The older man believed that this was his last real chance of having a successful relationship. Considering how - in a very long life - I've so very rarely experienced such strong feelings for someone else, I cannot reasonably expect that there'll be another opportunity. I had resigned myself to this reality before I met my friend & was comfortably content with my life. With the passage of some more time, I expect to once again be fully able to appreciate all that I do have.
Thanks again for your continuing interest. I wish the best for you.
r160, I now understand your situation. Had to Google "The Art of Fielding." Will read it as am a baseball fan.
It's commendable that you didn't want to "come off as a predator".
Meanwhile, I don't want to come off as a stalker.
After re-reading my post at r158, I texted my fuck buddy a total lie, saying that the original message was intended for someone else. Not sure if he believes me, but he sure as hell made a big deal about getting together this weekend -- for drinks and conversation -- and not in bed. We don't have the burdens of age difference and unresolved sexuality issues as you do. He wants to talk and is being ingratiating.
But this sure as hell is for me, unrequited love, and the answer to OP's post is that I in fact can NOT deal with it. Am going to be honest with my "friend". If it means losing whatever we have, so be it.
Your story strikes a chord with me because I fell in love with a handsome, deeply intelligent guy of ambiguous sexuality (but presumably straight) in college and still haven't quite gotten over it 30+ years later, despite having had a 25 year LTR with someone else. The LTR was sort of my back-up plan.
Unresolved love seem as frustrating as unrequited love.