How would the Wizard of Oz be different if "Dorothy" was "Dorothy Zbornak"?
She would have kicked the wicked witches ass.
She would've been too tired to walk all the way to the Emerald City.
here we go. 30 funny posts. then about 500 tired quips about Bea Arthur being a man.
The Munchkins all would've looked like Dr. Jonathan Newman.
Toto would've been played by Dreyfus.
The Wicked Witch of the West would have been trying to get back her sister's ruby-encrusted suede boots.
Every person would be a Munchkin next to her.
The chickens at Auntie Em's and Uncle Henry's farm would all be able to play the piano.
Frieda Claxton would try to take Toto away from Dorothy.
Auntie Em: Sophia
Uncle Henry: Uncle Angelo
Tin Woman: Blanche
Cowardly Lion: Stan
Wicked Witch of the West: Frieda Claxton
The Wizard: Miles
Glinda: Aunt Angela
She would saunter down the Yellow Brick Road.
No way she could skip in that tunic.
Yay!! Another Golden Girls thread!
What if Dorothy was played by Maude Findlay?
What? Should this be a different thread?
Instead of a basket, she would have been carrying a shapeless leather purse-sack.
No Glinda, the Wizard is not your father.
Instead of a gingham dress, it would be a gingham cowl-neck sweater.
While she's reprimanding the man behind the curtain, her eyes will constantly be looking off to the side.
The flying monkeys would have all looked like traffic cones.
Glinda: "And remember, never let those ruby slippers off your feet for a moment, or you will be at the mercy of the Wicked Witch of the West."
Dorothy: "I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer!"
She would have kids. But rarely mention them. And they would sort of change ages from time to time.
And she'd trip over muumuus whilst singing and dancing along the yellow brick road.
Instead of having to bring the Wizard the Witch's broomstick in order to have their requests granted, he instead would have made them compete in a game of "Grab That Dough".
Wicked Witch= Barbara Thorndyke
Instead of a poppy field to stop Dorothy in her tracks, the Witch would have put an off-track betting parlor along the Yellow Brick Road.
Traveling down the Yellow Brick Road you'd see a scarecrow, a tin man, a lion, and a giant turkey.
DOROTHY: Can you even dye my eyes to match my muumuu?
EMERALD CITZENS: Uh-huh!
DOROTHY: Jolly good town!
In order to have the Wizard grant her wish, Dorothy's task would be to get Mark Perper to show her his wee-wee.
POPPIES, Rose, POPPIES, POPPIES, POPPIES!!!
It's called dwarfism, Rose!!!!!!!!!
Dorothy would develop a gambling problem, a smoking problem, chronic fatigue, hearing loss, sleep with a married gym teacher and suffer from chronic horrible hair disease, all of which would be solved in 22 minutes.
"The house began to pitch. The kitchen took a slitch--"
"It's a word!"
"So's 'inter-uteran'. It doesn't belong in a song."
The Flying Monkeys would NEVER be able to get her airborne. They'd have to drag her all the way to the witch's castle.
Dorothy would have been too exhausted to stand in the shower.
Rose, who's under the lanai?
Instead of slippers she'd be wearing ruby slouch boots.
haven't thought about the differences yet, but I vote this for best DL topic of 2013!
C'mon the house wouldn't even have gone airborne. Well, maybe a bit.. like the hydrofoils that skim along the waves to Mykonos.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: Yes Rose, I'm a bad witch. Just this morning I ate six children from the St. Olaf orphanage for breakfast, and now I can't wait for lunch!
GLINDA: My name isn't Rose.
"Picture it: Munchkinland, 1903 ... "
When Glynda asks her if she is a good witch or a bad witch, Dorothy tells her, "I know this is a long shot, but did you take much acid during the 60s?"
AUNTIE EM: Dorothy, why don't you find yourself a place where you won't get into any trouble!
DOROTHY: Shady Pines, Auntie....Shady Pines!
This is perhaps the most idiotic DL thread ever. AND I LOVE IT!!! MORE!!!
The beauticians at the Emerald City sweetly sing their critiques of what would accentuate the many folds of that turkey-like neck, draw attention to the non-existent bosom, or lead the eye to that huge spare tire and the square manly hips.
As the twister approached, Uncle Angelo relied on what he was taught to do in the Italian army and consequently no one survived.
The Wicked Witch of the West is one of her brother Phil's poker buddies.
There's an exclamation point carved in the big wooden door of the Emerald City.
[quote]What if Dorothy was played by Maude Findlay?
What? Should this be a different thread?
Oz'll get you for that, r13.
Instead of Over the Rainbow she sings Old Man River.
Remember the episode where Sue Ann had the munchkin boyfriend?
"Ma, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."
Talking Tree = Sophia
R51 see R4
Locked Up In the Witch's Castle:
Sophia in the Crystal Ball: Dorothy, where are you? It's me, Sophia. We're trying to find you. Where are you? Dorothy!
Dorothy: Try the Yellow Pages, Ma! Look under W for Wicked.
When Toto pulled back the curtain to expose the Wizard, she would say, "WHOA!!"
Dorothy would buck up the Cowardly Lion by reciting the names of the Chicago 7.
"The Wicked Witch? I'm already quite familiar with Stanley's mother."
Somewhere over the Causeway
There would be a FLAMING Homosexual "Fancy man" who would appear to be a major character in his first appearance , then vanishes from the film and is never seen again.
"Ding Dong, Frieda Klaxson's Dead"
"We're Off To See Burt Reynolds" - Sophia
"If I only had A Brain" - Rose
Rue McClanahan as the cowardly lion
Bill Macy as the Tin Man
Conrad Bain as the scarecrow
Instead of Dorothy wishing to go back home, she'd be wishing for hormone replacement therapy.
Instead of a touching barnyard rendition of "Over the Rainbow", Dorothy's first musical number would be a raucous performance of "Hard-hearted Hannah".
When the gang arrives at the Emerald City, Barbara Thorndyke is the gatekeeper that initially refuses them entry.
Instead of poppies, the WW would drug them with cheesecake laced with sedatives.
The ruby slippers would be replaced by ruby scrunchy boots.
The forest that the Tin Woman is found in looks exactly like Blanche Devereaux's bedroom.
R70, except for Dorothy, who eats shiitake mushrooms.
Every 10 minutes, a new biological child of one of the characters pops up. They're gone as quickly as they came, are never seen or mentioned again, and none of their ages match their parent's chronologies.
Mario Lopez would be an illegal immigrant farmhand on Uncle Henry's farm.
Auntie Em's Kansas farmhouse has a lanai instead of a barnyard, and the interior layout does not match the exterior.
Our Wonderful Wizard'll get you for that, Scarecrow.
Instead of a tornado, it would be a hurricane.
The tornado would've dumped her back in Brooklyn instead where the road back to Miami would've involved Rose being forcibly lobotomized by the flying monkeys, Blanche getting an STD vaccination, Dorothy gets tag teamed by the Flying Finelli Brothers and Sophia is revealed to be the Wizard.
The Flying Monkeys could by the two ugly spinster daughters of neighbor Dr Harry Weston. Dreyfuss as Toto.
Shoulder pads for days!
The section of the original with that weird continuity error where the "Jitterbug" song and dance was removed from the final release could be replaced by that weird , horrible attempt with Rita Moreno in this initial spin-off pilot of "Empty Nest."
That too should be left on the cutting room floor.
Dorothy would be diagnosed with Epstein-Barr in the Emerald City.
There would be no Emerald City. Instead, Dorothy would follow the yellow brick road to the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater to see the Wizard, played by none other than Mr. Jamie Farr.
It would only last for the next 8 dollars.
Would there be herring circus? It's sort of like Sea World, only smaller. Much, much smaller. But bigger than a flea circus.
When Dorothy is up inside the twister, instead of seeing other people and farm animals, she see clips from many other episodes.
Dorothy feels good about how she was able to help the Munchkins, not realizing they have placed a "kick me hard" sign on her back.
Being given a choice of flying in an unsteerable balloon and stealing the broomstick of the WWoW, Dorothy sarcastically asks the Wizard, "Why don't we just set each other on fire?" The Scarecrow vows never to speak to Dorothy again until the Tin Woodsman reminds him that as Friends of Dorothy, they're family.
Dorothy is happy to be told that she is the Munchkins' national heroine, until the mayor emphasizes that she is only a substitute heroine.
The Munchkins are revealed to be Dykes on Bikes in short people drag.
On the way to see the Wizard in the Emerald City, Dorothy and the girls stop at the hotel bar for a drink and they get arrested for prostitution.
Dorothy is assured that she and the gang will be able to crash the witch's castle when the Scarecrow gives her a "Cindy Lou Peebles" nametag to wear to fool the witch. The flying monkey cones nab Dorothy in the forest, but after pulling apart the Scarecrow, they tell him that he, Kim Fung Toi, sure has changed. He replies, "Different on outside; missing inside."
Instead of dressing up as Winkies to save Dorothy from the Witch, the girls dress up as nuns collecting lingerie for needy sexy people.
A field of poppies? No. Cheesecake. Endless slices of cheesecake.
Adrienne Barbeau's jugs are sticking out from under the house with red and white sequinned bull's eye pasties.
Special Guest Star, Mr. Bob Hope, plays the Wizard of Oz. His lines are all ancient ones from his "act." And he still has to read them off of cue cards.
Dorothy would fall in love with the guard at The Wizard's palace, get all giggly in a creepy way and then find out he's a priest.
"Glinda? Miss Goodwitch? I don't know if you remember me but I cane to you for help. For help, Miss Goodwitch. I was lost, blown here by a tornado. Do you remember what you told me? You told me to follow the yellow brick road. I thought I was crazy, meeting talking scarecrows and tin men and emotionally and physically abusive trees. So, I thought, Miss Goodwitch is the expert; I did what you told me. Then you told me to click my heels together and wish to go home. I believed you. Well, I needed help. . .not witchcraft. I needed a car with GPS. So I hope that one day, when you get blown away in a tornado and find yourself lost, that you find yourself a good witch who's a better good witch to you than you were a good witch to me. Goodnight, Miss Goodwitch."
No matter what happens during the story Dorothy, The Tin Man, The Cowardly Lion and The Scarecrow all end up back at the exact spot where they first met to start all over again.
Burt Reynolds would be the Wizard.
In the end, it's revealed that Dorothy's time in Oz was actually someone else's dream and that farmhands Sonny and Lyle weren't really in love with her.
W&W for R100. Fantastic.
Glinda would be played by none other than Susan Anton.
[quote]Glinda would be played by none other than Susan Anton.
No...not Susan Anton.
Instead of choosing to go with the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodsman, and the Cowardly Lion, Dorothy just books the Donatello triplets.
When she is not schtuping Stan (the Whiz) behind the curtain, dropping a house on Aunt Agnes, or Hard Hearted-Hannahing her way done the yellow brick road, Dorothy spends her free time scheming a way to get back to her childhood back in the slums of brookl... er... Kansas.
At the end, when Dorothy is waking up, standing in the small crowd around the bed is a very young George Clooney as a police officer called in to investigate.
Perhaps Jonny McGovern could sing, rather than those impish munchkins.
At first, Dorothy thinks that the rusted Tin Woodsman is saying, "oil can." Eventually she realizes he is saying "bacon, lettuce and potato."
Dorothy realizes that her witch friend, Trudy McMann, was only playing a practical joke and wasn't liquidated. Dorothy gets back at her by sleeping with Nikko.
Every fifteen minutes Dorothy, The Tin Man, The Scarecrow and The Cowardly Lion stop to drink coffee and reminisce while we "dream sequence dissolve" to clips from earlier Wizard of Oz's.
This thread is completely retarded, and hilarious.
The roles of Professor Marvel, the Wizard, the Guard, the Gatekeeper and the Carriage Driver are all played by Herb Edelman with various hairpieces. In each case the character introduces himself as, "It's me, Stan."
Uncle Henry, played by Mickey Rooney, has a satchel filled with stolen money and is on the run from the mob.
Too bad Rose got picked to be the scarecrow--she always wanted to be the strumpet. Now, after her husband, she was just never able to be fully satisfied (the bulls in her pasture were quite intimidated).
"I need a price on the WHIZ STAN PROPHYLACTIC..."
"Take it easy ladies... did you just get out of a twister or something?"
they would introduce characters that we never see again..
the yellow brick road would start on the lanai
After Dorothy leaves the rest of the remaining characters would for some reason buy a run down hotel..
Perhaps we might not see the character again, 119, but we're damned sure going to see the actor in some other part--probably will have to do with Glenda's boyfriend, Mile's, who suspiciously disappeared from the Lollipop guild after squealing at the same time that Maren "The cheeseman" went to the hoosegow.
One of the Fighting Trees Of The Forest secretly offers to carve a nude sculpture of each of our traveling quartet, but ultimately combines their qualities into one huge monstrosity. And is gay.
Glinda would be played by one actress at the beginning of the movie and at the end a completely different looking actress at the end..
Dorothy will have a problem with tornadoes at one moment and then halfway thru the movie seem to have no trouble or ever had trouble with them.
Instead of turning the nail, Dorothy tries to coax the Scarecrow down by yelling, "You're right, these naked Munchkin boys sure can dance!"
When the witch says, "I'll get you, and your little dog too" she retorts, "shady pines, ma!"
THE WIZ would star Lorraine, Greta, Aunt Trudy, Aunt Libby, Alvin Newcastle, Marguerite Brown, and Ben Wheaton/Albert the diner owner.
Jerry Maren looks like Manny from MODERN FAMILY in those pics, R122.
GLINDA: You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas.
DOROTHY (glowering): God'll get you for that, Glinda.
Instead of the transition from the sepia-tinted opening scenes into Tehchnicolor being greeted by the audience with sighs of wonder and pleasure, there would be gasps and groans as the audience was all of a sudde bombarded with big-screen images in Technicolor of the horrible color combinations of their clothes (Dorothy's velvet green and purple date suit comes to mind) and particularly the garish shades of eyeliner, blush, and lipstick they caked on their faces.
The moment the Lion got his Courage he would pounce upon Dorothy and eat her.
"Oh, pats of it were horrible, but, you know, parts were nice. Like, there were these little people--Munchkins, they called themselves--"
"Yes, Blanche. They were--"
"Dorothy, I know what a MUNCHKIN is. Isn't Ellen DeGeneres one?"
. . .
"Munchkin, Blanche. Not muncher."
The Scarecrow would sing "If I only had a big, floppy pancreas"
At any time, she could return home by simply clicking her heels THRICE and saying, "There's no place like Miami."
Dorothy's high school reunion would be in Emerald City. It would not be explained why a Brooklyn high school would have their reunion in Emerald City.
Em and Henry would have to fly out to OZ to get her. Even then, they would still be required to get their own cab from Emerald Airport International.
Zbornak after her Emerald City make-over:
When Dorothy says, "Toto, I don't think we're in Florida anymore," audiences would wonder why she's talking about fucking her maid.
When the witch appears over Emerald City and skywrites "Surrender Dorothy", the Scarecrow would exclaim, "Witches don't fly over residential neighborhoods!"
This would never have happened, because the role of Dorothy Gale would have gone to Phyllis Hammerow.
Dorothy Zbornak would have been the captain of the Witch's guards (because she was the only one that fit the costume), and Rose and Blanche would have been non-speaking Emerald City townspeople.
And Tin Man would have fucked the entire cast except for Ed, the stage manager.
Wow...another stupid thread.
r142 = Barbara Thorndyke
Thread over, you win.
As soon as Dorothy returns to Kansas, the Scarecrow would turn to the Tinwoman and say, "You know, I never liked her."
Dorothy's main objective would not be The Emerald City... She would be dying to have lunch at The Mortimer Club, where all of Miami's intelligentsia convene.
When Glinda explains to Dorothy that all she has to do is click her heels together three times and shell be transported back home, Dorothy would ask her, "This may seem redundant but. . .you're from St. Olaf, aren't you?"
LOL, I was thinking the same thing about the bowtie frock!
Is this really going to be the only Golden Girls thread today?
A new musical number would be added so Dorothy could sing "Thank You For Being a Friend" before she magically ends up back in Miami.