It's hard when you feel a good friendship falling apart, because sometimes there's little you can do
You just can't say to someone, "You need to be a better friend to me again." If someone stops wanting to be a good friend to you, there's nothing much you can do about it.
It's one of the saddest truths.
I had an old, dear friend for years that I thought would be there forever. Then he got a better job and new distractions and I ended up discarded as a friend. It broke my heart, but I got over it in time.
I tried to keep up contact, but gave it up when I started feeling like a stalker. : (
Yeah. The guy I would have had as my best man let me go a while ago...
It was rough.
Then I found out third hand he got married. I didn't even get a notice, let alone an invite. The guy I felt closest to in the world for most of my life.
But it makes me wonder if I've treated anyone else the same way without even realizing it. I probably have.
I hear ya R2/R3. Sad stuff.
I was best man at his wedding in happier times.
So few friendships really last forever, because much of friendship is situational.
I just dumped a frau for being a fuckin shit friend. She'd been there for a while. years.. not into her at all anymore
People come, people go.
'People cum, people go" would be a great name for an adult book shop
Yup. Just decided to let go of what I thought was a good friendship when I decided he only liked me as far as he could manipulate me. Took a while to figure it out -- he was so 'nice'. The guy's a 'brand manager', whatever the Hell that means -- mind-fucking people, I guess.
This usually happens to me when said "friend" finds a partner. Then, when said "friend" breaks up with the partner, I'm the "go to" backup. Rinse, repeat.
Was just having this conversation with my partner last night. One good friend for years has become a neurotic self-absorbed uber-mommy mess ever since she gave birth. She literally can talk of nothing else. Has no interest in what is going on with anyone else outside of her hermetically sealed mommy bubble.
The last few times we spoke, she just talked *at* me for like 1/2 an hour about all manner of mommy stuff - her homemade toddler food recipes, her nanny, the shit her kid took that morning - it was exhausting.
Which is shocking, cuz this is a former rocker chick I used to blow coke with 'til all hours of the night all over Manhattan and Brooklyn. Her former self would be puking to see what she's become.
I've dropped her without telling her. It's really sad.
I hear you loud and clear, R13. Babies make females turn into shrews.
The whole out-of-control 'career mommy' thing is the biggest kiss of death for friendships. Really amazing how 'me centered' these chicks get. Very sad.
The best thing to do is to invest in a quality dildo.
I should clarify cuz I don't want to seem like I'm just mommy bashing. I have a few other friends who are mothers but still retained their identities and work hard to maintain their friendships...if only to give themselves a break and not lose their connection to the world outside of being a mother.
This one is an exception. Her kid is 3 now and she should've calmed down at this point, but she's only gotten worse. To the point where I'm shocked that I was ever friends with her to begin with. She's the text book definition of self-absorbed child obsessed mommy.
True "friendships" are difficult.
It takes a selfless person that is willing to open themselves up (flaws and all) to another human being without the fear of rejection or judgement. It also takes another mature person who is able to accept ones flaws all while being able to open themselves up to another. If you think about it - that is a very rare and treasured situation if you are able to find it.
I have a difficult friend who's leaving town this week for seven months, and I can hardly wait. He doesn't rage that often, but when he does, he goes postal, and it's hard to forget. He says he doesn't realize he's doing it when he's doing it.
If he were staying, I would probably be ending it with him. Another of his friends has stopped talking to him, and he says he can't understand why. I don't know the other friend -- he keeps his friends very isolated from each other -- so I can't say what happened there, but it's probably more of the same.
He's really nice most of the time, verging on obsequious at times. It's just that I never know what's going to set him off, and I'm so tired of it.
I've lost many good friends to relationships, both gay and straight. Suddenly, the person was a couple, and there was no place for me in his life.
I lost a friend to her addiction to digital devices. I simply didn't want to be around her anymore, fighting for her attention, so now I'm not.
Or you can't say, "i'm sorry, but I need to quit drinking if I want to keep this job, and every time we meet we binge so I can't spend time with you anymore, I'm sorry"
I'm going through this very thing with someone I was best friends with for 15 years. He has a new partner, and has barely said 3 words to me for a month. I've text, called, no response back. I get notifications on FB that he's posting pics with his new bf but he can't be bothered with me any longer. When they break up, I'll be the first person he calls. This is a pattern and I'm done with it and him.
It hurts though... it hurts big time. I valued the friendship much more than him and treated him like family. How does one get over the hurt?
When I see a friendship collapse - or a whole wave of them, a decade's worth, not long ago - I realize what a weak, "use-able", broken person I was. They just helped themselves. Seeing them return, now extra creepy, now a little more rattled and unstable than I remember, trying to figure out what changed and why their insults, insinuations and needling (now healed) sore spots for their amusement don't work anymore...watching that isn't sad, it's horror.
Been best-friends with the same girl for 30 years. You know what the fall-out was? that I voted for Obama. When in the hell did she turn republican? When they started making real money. We both grew up in the ghetto, her dad was a school janitor. When Obama won, she was pissed. "I don't like what he's doing to the country or the military" I asked what was it he was doing and we never talked again. By the way, her husband works, she doesn't. If it wasn't for him, she'd be a secretary somewhere trying to make ends meet like the rest of us.
R24 sounds like a liar to me.
R25, sounds like no real loss to me. What an ignorant, selfish cunt.
Knew him since we were kids, lived across the street. Last week I'm telling him the hell I'm going through right now with incredibly noisy neighbors that, although I've personally asked them many times to please have a little consideration, keep blasting music and partying till the sun comes up and he starts to laugh hysterically. I'm shocked at his reaction and ask "why does seeing me in trouble cause you so much fun?" He says that imagining me unable to sleep and wanting to murder the motherfuckers makes him cry with laughter.
Punched and deleted
[quote]Which is shocking, cuz this is a former rocker chick I used to blow coke with 'til all hours of the night all over Manhattan and Brooklyn. Her former self would be puking to see what she's become.
What a tragedy for her! I can see why you're so sad.
I dumped my depressed friend and still feel guilty about it. I just got tired of his same small world and sad self-pitying moanings. I changed so much, built a life with a lot going on in it, and he just sucked the energy from me every time we spoke. I hung in there for five years but then sort of abandoned him.
Aren't you special. Your new and exciting life! How stupid and shallow you sound, like a junkie on a high.
I had a straight best friend for about 20 years. We talked almost every day. Traveled together. Told each other everything. He was like the brother I never had. And sex never entered the picture; he is extremely liberal and open minded. He's a great guy. I haven't spoken to him in 8 months. He started dating his now wife about two years ago, and, perhaps, she just didn't like me because I stopped hearing from him about the time they started dating. I'm liberal, she's a conservative Christian. Or maybe we were moving apart and I hadn't noticed? At any rate, it hurts like hell and I miss him. I've tried to email and call, and we make plans to get together for lunch or coffee, but I cancelled the last time. I got tired of begging to be friends. I know I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face, but I would rather not be friends if it's just in name only. It's a shame. I wish him well.
I feel like I'm doing this with everyone right now.
I just can't be fucked with people and all the bullshit that goes with it.
I think Facebook has a lot to do with it. There's nothing interesting to talk about anymore.
A friend "mistakenly" sent an email to me that showed what a vicious bitch she is. She's done that a few times in work situations to and always called me - frantic - asking what she should do. I baled her out so many times and even got her into a PhD program (I'm a professor). At first the email hurt but now I'm glad to know the truth.
Good riddance, Neda.
[quote]I baled her out
Tied her up with bailing wire, did you R34?
Thanks, r35. I typing w-o eyeglasses and that's always a crapshoot.
R11, you considered yourself a good friend to this guy and yet you didn't know what he does for a living?
The friendships I punched and deleted have 90% been straight women who are kill joys and dream killers. It's sad but true. They want a "gay bff" but want to you be the Jack to their Karen -- they don't want you to do well or be happier than them, EVER.
This is just my experience. I'm sure your experience being friends with straight women was monumentally more successful and fulfilling. But remember, I was friends with women from the "Sex and the City" generation where it was all "It's all about me, all the time" and "I deserve everything because I'm a princess and I'm the best" type of mentality. It's where you, as "the gay," is always the fallback plan if their plans for that evening fall through for a date or if they're bored and want a shopping buddy. I kind of had a weak personality at that time and didn't stand up for myself so I'm probably at fault for "attracting" these types of women to me.
In my early 20s when I was wasting time with all these straight chicks, I was also friends with gay Republicans. Ugh. That was awful. I was raised to be a "nice guy" and once I became an "asshole" they all had to go.
Whatever works, right?
To keep the power balance in a friendship, or even a romantic relationship, more even, you should occasionally be unavailable with no explanation forthcoming.
I lost my best friend to cell phones. I'd show up as agreed and she'd put me on hold to take and make calls.
She tried to revive the friendship by scheduling me into her morning commute. I do not speak to people at 6:30 am. I don't like anyone at 6:30 and I'm not interested in chatting. I let her know. We don't speak.
[quote]To keep the power balance in a friendship, or even a romantic relationship, more even, you should occasionally be unavailable with no explanation forthcoming.
R40 sounds like my scheming, tactics-obsessed ex from 2002.
R32 and R41, your situations combined describe my friendship. We are still friends at a distance because I've moved, but she calls me because her husband doesn't really want her talking to anyone but him, except her sister. She has to wait until he's gone or in bed. And she'd better not call me from work as she's moving through buildings because the first time she starts talking to someone in the hall instead of me, I hang up.
R34, how stinky of her. Talk about passive aggressive. Any regrets about helping her get into a Ph.D. program? People like that with control over others often become backbiting bitches who will stop others from getting ahead on a whim.
It's very deflating when this happens, but it's all the worse, I think, when there doesn't seem to be any reason for the end of the friendship. Sometimes they get into a consuming relationship, or move away, or whatever. So you know what caused the rift, even if it feels like a poor reason for the end of a friendship. But what if there is no apparent reason? You suddenly notice that, for a long while, he has not been initiating contact. And when you contact him, he puts you off. You finally ask him what has alienated him from you, and he responds with those airy non-answers that are clearly hiding his lack of interest in you. He wants you to slip out of his life, but he won't say it in those words.
This happened to me recently, with an extremely close friend. I tried to get him to open up, but he was impenetrable. After a year, I called him and tried to effect a restart. And he actually made a few friendly gestures, major ones. But then he went back to dropping me, and I finally gave up.
I assure you, DL, that I had done nothing to him. Nor was there any fault line buried in the relationship that could have erupted in a quake. He just didn't want to know me any more.
He's a very charismatic guy and in his line of work he meets a lot of people. I now believe that he culls from time to time, making room for the new friends by dropping the old. (It's the opposite of the Girl Scouts' motto, which you may recall from the cookie boxes. My mother always ordered Chocolate Mint.) He'll keep some friends, but he'll uninstall the ones he doesn't care about. It's a sort of "Nothing personal, I just can't be bothered with you" kind of thing.
Ah, the instability of the human heart! But that's life. Why does Natasha run off with that loathsome Anatol (this is War and Peace now) when she's engaged to the handsome Prince Andrey? (And Andrey's probably hung, too, though Tolstoy doesn't specify.) People are just very wayward sometimes. I'll live.
I'm working on become an asshole, R39. I wonder who'll be my friend then? I'm certainly not happy with the situation now.
Lasting friendship requires the same attitude that a lasting romantic relationship requires. Both parties must value the "relationship" above conflicting interests or immediate difficulties. Not many people are up for real commitment.
No, they aren't, r47. And like others have said, FB and cell phones have ruined everything. Now people don't even want or care for a face-to-face interaction. They just click away on their phones.
It's sad. I wonder how people actually make friends or have a relationship anymore. Everyone is so shallow.
The younger ones are even worse. There are twentysomethings today who cannot hold a conversation with a human being, you can tell they long to be away from it all and just clicking away at their smartphones.