My closest friends have become friends with a former colleague of mine I just can't stand. They know she and I don't get along, but they often invite her and me to the same parties, and often will tell me about things she's said or done. (They're not doing this to needle me--they're sweet, kind guys.) I just can't take this woman and don't want to see her, or even hear about her. Should I tell our mutual friends how I feel, or should I keep to the high road?
In a similar situation I just stopped going when invited, because that other cunt was always there.
Why exactly do you dislike her?
They're not your friends. You've been replaced. Deal with it, find new ones. It happens.
This story is not interesting without the backstory on what makes her so insufferable.
Your friends are insensitive cunts. Alkies, right?
I've disliked her since we first worked together because she's an abrasive and bossy know-it-all. She was fired from our company for those very reasons (though I had nothing to do with her being fired, which she knows), and she has always needled me for staying with the company (I've been promoted further since she left, while she's never found as good a job as the one she lost). Her resentment finally resulted in her blowing her top at me publicly, and I decided I didn't want to have to deal with her anymore since I never even liked her in the first place.
She also went to the same college as I did--she's a few years back and I didn't know her then, but she married a guy in my class. So people have sometimes assumed she and I like each other because we have a common background.
Sounds like this person you hate is the life of the party. Stole the spotlight from you, did she?
I'm not a spotlight-craving kind of guy, r7.
Stay home and knit, OP. Get some cats. You'll be happier in the end.
"I've been promoted further since she left, while she's never found as good a job as the one she lost"
Keep bringing that little fact up, OP. Stick it in her like a shiv.
I'm with r10. I
high road. steady as she goes. keep your ship in a safe port. Nobody wants the drama.
[quote] Should I tell our mutual friends how I feel
NO!!!! You will look like the bad person if you do say something. What ever you say they will just reply, "she's not like that with us", or "We think she's nice".
What kind of teeny, tiny town do you live in that you can't elude one single boor?
Anyway--here's my advice. If you complain to your friends, if you share any anecdotes exhibiting her at her worst to them, they will defend her. So don't do that. Your best play is to avoid them (for now), and let them learn to appreciate her personality at full strength.
In the meantime, meet some cool new people, go on a trip, launch a new hobby, whatever. When they call and ask WHET to you, tell them you've been too busy to socialize because of new people, new places, new things. They will tire of her, see your wisdom, and slowly ingratiate themselves with you again. In two years, one of them will ask, "Did you ditch us because we were hanging out with that baggage?"
And you can smile knowingly and say, "Maybe."
This happened to me.
I introduced him to my friends, actually the female of a MF relationship.
Then I decided I didn't like him. Blew him out and forgot about him and now they're BEST friends with him. They've made him into this quirky character, which he is not...always quoting him, doing his voice, laughing about him in a 'don't you just love him?' kind of way.
It feels like an article of clothing I threw out years ago and forgot about, that keeps turning up. What's the expression 'A bad penny'?
I've made it perfectly clear I don't like him, but they don't care.
Take the low road. The ride is more enjoyable.
Quiet OP, throw your own parties. Do dinner parties so it's known they can't bring a guest. You only have so many place settings, right? Or invite 1 or 2 of the friends at a time to do something with you. That way you can maintain your friendships and control who comes along.
Also, if anyone sneaks her along, tell them later that you spent all the time you ever wanted to spend with her already.
The story doesn't make sense to me.
They're your closest friends and they know you don't get along with this person, and yet you wonder if you should tell them how you feel?
Sounds like they know how you feel.
This person needles you about staying with your current employer until she finally blew-up at you in public.
So you've were seeing this person in a social context and then stopped but in an entirely different social context than the one you have with your closest friends? Your closest friends saw this person in yet another social context that didn't include you because they were unfamiliar with the blow-up?
Even though you don't like this person, your friends apparently like her enough that they talk about her to other people. Including you, who they know don't get along with her.
Is it possible your closest friends are sending you a message you are just refusing to get?
Maybe you are the one with the problem, not them or her?
I say take the money from your promotions and buy some new friends.
It's pretty obvious the OP hangs with her friends from work. They continue to hang out with the person OP doesn't like. And OP is pretending to be male. This has female workplace drama written all over it.
I just finished Buddhist Bootcamp. Reject Fear and Hate. Embrace Love.
How much time have you given this situation? I don't like all of my partner's friends, but I've learned to take them as they are. Hell, if I met a few of my long time friends, whom I have history and loyalty with, today, I wouldn't be interested in hanging out with them.
A little grace, humility and strength go a long way in these situations.
Of course sometimes you have to say no, I just want to be around someone. It all depends on how hard to take someone is and whether you've given her a chance.
Has it occurred to you she is doing this to fuck with you? Purposing becoming friends with your friends to get at you? Just stop going to when she is invited. When you friends ask why tell them you really don't get along with XXXX and would rather there not be tension. Let the friends choose.
I live for being in a room with people I don't like. I don't see why you are such a delicate flower.
I have a friend who dislikes one of our friends partners. And he makes it a point to ask if the partner will be at an event we're invited to. And if the answer is 'Yes', he politely declines the invitation. I'm sure it has gotten back to the friend and his partner, but that's his choice to simply choose not to be in the partner's company. Seems easy enough.
[quote]Her resentment finally resulted in her blowing her top at me publicly
What led up to this?
It seems to me that [R25] has a reasonable solution to this problem. It is never good for the soul to be around someone you don't like, especially if that person "needles" you. You can also get proactive and start seeing your friends in circumstances that preclude her being included--one-on-one dinners, say, where it's understood that no third party can tag along. However, don't let this develop into a crisis, OP. Take it easy but, at the same time, lock her out of your life.
[quote] And OP is pretending to be male. This has female workplace drama written all over it.
I love the fags on here who complain about woman all the time while living in denial of the fact that many gay men behave much, much more like bitchy frau stereotypes than most women do.
High road if you want to keep your friends.
Low road if your hate for her is stronger than your like of your friends.
It happens be ready to move on if you can't do the tolerate/ignore route when in groups.
Wow, someone must have really pissed in r3/ r7/ r9's cornflakes last night.
Curiously, it does not seem to be aware of the way troll-dar works.
So OP, how did your group of "sweet, kind guys" happen to befriend a woman you don't like from a previous work situation? It's pretty unusual for any group of guys, let alone gay ones, to befriend a woman and include her in group activities. I'm curious. How did this situation come about?
Where did they meet her? How did she become a member of this group of sweet, kind guys?
I had something sort of similar happen years ago. She was the girlfriend of a friend. For whatever reason, she didnt like the guy I was dating at the time and would be very rude to him. Eventually the hostility migrated over to me as well. With everyone else though, she was the life of the party. After a while, I got tired of her and that whole gang and sort of drifted away from them. Last I heard is she had a baby and became COMPLETELY insufferable and self absorbed, as new mothers are want to do.
[quote]It's pretty unusual for any group of guys, let alone gay ones, to befriend a woman and include her in group activities.
That's not true at all. Many people (including gay men) run around in mixed-gender company and have friends of both genders.
Do what the Buddhist said. Buddhism is an awesome life philosophy. Depending where you learn it, you have to strip away the religious crap, but if you get to the heart of it, it's good stuff.
All the 'prophets' over the course of human evolution, how sad they would all be if they were thrown into the future and saw how messed up people had made everything they tried to teach.