If so WHY?
You can have any guy you want? Guys are constantly hitting on you. Why not take advantage of your good looks by whoring around.
Yet you chose not to use your beauty that way, and stay celibate.
So tell us why? Cause we would trade places with you in a heartbeat.
And how long have you been celibate?
Also how have you managed to do without? Don't you get urges?
No, but one of my exes from a long time ago is, which drives me nuts because just the sight of him still gives me a raging boner.
R2 why is he celibate? How does he handle it?
He's super into social work for the underprivileged and the special need right now and devotes a tremendous amount of personal resources (time and money) to the cause... I'm guessing he still has unresolved guilt about his sexual orientation, that or he's truly become asexual.
Good looking and celibate = not interested in insignificant casual sex with other men just as or more attractive but also refuses to compromise his high aesthetic standards and requirements by deigning to date relationship ready and worthy men who are not as handsome as he.
can we continue this discussion. 76% said they are good looking and celibate, but no one is saying WHY!!!
Because despite everything we've been told about being gay, sex is not the most important thing in the world.
I don't know if I'd label myself celibate, but it's been over a year since I've had sex with another man. My choice.
Why? Because I'm 47 and I got very tired of hooking up with men who didn't care about me. And for what? Just to get off? Sex had become empty and depressing. I'd be excited about the impending hookup, of course, but the sex itself was almost always a disappointment and I'd feel cheap and awful about myself afterwards. The way I was meeting men for cheap and easy sex had become soul-destroying so I decided to stop.
I'm holding out for love now. It may never come, but I'm not destroying my soul in the process of finding it anymore.
What R7 said. With men and women, so twice the dislocation. For now.
Sex can be more trouble than it is worth. It looks easy but people reveal more of themselves than they think and the view is not always pleasant.
If only you had asked about 'good looking and sell-a-butt'.
Because I don't think I have any actual sex organs
Agree with R7. Also there are some who get tired of using and being used and give up on sex when love seems impossible to find.
R12 what do you replace sex with?
Celibate, yes, but not devoid of passion. My collection of Madame Alexander dolls is the current focus of my love and attention.
R5 has it precisely right.
73% yes? Oh, that's right, this is DL. It might as well have said: "Good-looking, celibate and 'Bill Gates" rich.
I prefer to think of it as being on hiatus.
After a particularly hideous break-up,I became a big slut. It was fun for a period. I have nothing against being a slut (having been one), but it got boring. Then I got a new job which took up most of my time and I guess my libido went dormant.
When the opportunity arises, so shall I.
It evolved to this - used to have sex often, but, as someone else mentioned, everyone wanted to get more involved- as in a 'couple', and I had come out of a long-time relationship, and just wanted to have fun. I kept hearing 2 things - 'You are so handsome' and 'You have a beautiful cock'. I'm not making this up. We all like comlpliments, but I began to feel that it's all I was. So I just stopped dating, 6 months ago. I'm happy, focused, and know, in time , I'll open myself up again to both physical, & emotional well being, with people- or 1 person, as the ideal. But for now, I'm happy with myself, and hand, and online porn.
yeah a lot of good looking people are loners --its hard to make friends when you are good looking cause they all want just to f you.
And when you go out, for some reason, only creeps have enough confidence to come up to you and the hot ones run away cause they don't think their hot enough deep down.
And when you do finally find a friend he gets jealous after a while and can't handle it and turns on you.
Basically people want to fuck you and then if you don't, they hate you and want to bring you down.
And when you do finally meet a hot guy who is both cool and confident, then he already has a boyfriend.
There has GOT to be better way to meet gay guys without grindr or the club but its hard.
it's just annoying that I can't seem to make any gay friends...the only ones I meet want to have sex or date me...some of them are really nice and I'd love to just be friends but a lot of gays seem to want sex or nothing at all. #annoying
Well, I do jack off. I just don't have sex with many other people. It's friggin difficult meeting other people.
What r19 wrote
Just for the R5 / R15 point of view...
You might be surprised who some of us find attractive.
The most recent two guys I wanted to date are not conventionally attractive but they are both adorable / sexy to me. One has shaved his head because he's going bald and dresses like a dork in the gym but has the cutest smile and is incredibly funny (and he takes care of himself, which helps) and has confidence. With luck, we'll go out soon .... The one before him had so little confidence or issues with his sexuality he couldn't follow through and I wouldn't push it so we're just acquaintances. If he'd put out, I'd take him in a heartbeat.
And the two blond, ripped boys I dated last year had problems that made them unattractive ... one bi and closeted, the other had anger issues (and not interested in reading or politics)... not so sexy.
As for not being open to men not attractive to them who are otherwise ready for relationships ... that applies to lots of gay men, but don't assume that men who you think are good looking are the ones who are looking for models / actor looks.
Thanks for the late night laugh, R11!
I stammer and am often afraid to talk to people.
yes but I am a straight man. Celibate for 7 years, basically professional non white in a sea of white women
Had a bad break-up at the beginning of the year and it really shook my self-confidence. Ever since then the idea of sex is good and all but when I'm in the moment with a guy I just can't go through with it. I hate myself for being such a cocktease but I'm not going to make myself have sex if I don't want to. I really feel bad for the guys I've tried to sleep with.
I have high standards. Not self-absorbed delusionally high, just, higher than the norm.
I'm open to something serious at this stage in my life, not just a fuck/fuck buddy.
So what do you replace the urges to get laid?
I know it is just an emptiness to be filled.
So what do you replace it with?
I won't lay with a man who has a cynical worldview. So, I won't lay with a man at all.
my left hand has been my girlfriend. Very loyal, always there for me
I am considered a solid 9 by most straight woman. But in the world of gay men I am a 5 at best. No one ever hits on me.
Becoming an adult for me meant I didn't have to have sex with people anymore if I didn't want to. I had been molested over a period of years as a child, and I guess I threw off an experienced vibe, because as a young teen on I was constantly being propositioned. There are certain movie stars who throw off a sexual aura and I somehow recognize them as fellow victims... it is a cliche that sex symbols are not very good in bed, and I would guess that would be the reason.. I think very early sexualization causes a person to adopt a sexual persona) My home life was not good, and I slept with whoever could provide me with some of the things other teens got from their parents. But having someone pursue me now satisfies my ego in that I know I am still attractive, but saying no is empowering since my memories of most sexual encounters is tied up with what I needed that this person would give me, and very little with sexual desire on my part. And I have my own resources now. I do realize it is not kind and I probably lead people on a bit to get that pay-off of avoiding giving them what they want. But I suspect a lot of people are like me.
I know what you mean, R33.
Obviously, some guys are looking for something other than hot sex with a wide variety of guys. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Finally face it, so many DL people, just because you are hooked in to your sexual/romantic m.o., doesn't mean everybody the fuck else is. Everyone is different.
but you know that, don't you? Right! So why are you asking why anyone would be different than you are?
I am fug and monogamous.
My friends tell me I'm "very hot" ( I never really thought so) but could never understand why I never seemed to pay any attention to all the attractive guys ( and girls ) trying so hard to flirt with me, and I always made up some reason.
The sad truth is that I started going slowly blind after having nearly fatal meningitis, to the point now where I am legally blind, and cannot see any details like peoples faces unless it's within 5 feet and brightly lit. Online dating worked for a while ( can still see the computer screen, if i connect to a large TV and sit a foot away ), but most guys want to meet at night, and leaving my home when it is dark is terrifying ( last year I was struck by a motorcycle crossing a street to buy milk afterdark... even though I looked and listened very hard I never even saw him coming ).
I still haven't told anyone of my friends, most of whom think I have become extremely anti-social or just plain narcissistic.
So there are many many reasons that some attractive people are lonely or celibate, most are far sadder than you could ever imagine.
Herpes. A huge number of gay men have it, but 90% don't know. So you open yourself up to rejection from guys who may have it, or may be sleeping with someone else who has it but doesn't know. There's no way to prevent it except abstinence - try having that conversation on a first date.
[quote]I started going slowly blind.
I am horrifying to look at, but extremely loyal and loving. I think we'd be a good match. Maybe you'd like to go out sometime? I'll take you wherever you want to go, anywhere in the world.
Good-looking - no. Celibate - yes and been so for four and a half years. Only been on one date since then and they did want to see me again so maybe not completely fug, but I am just clueless/retarded in the area of interpersonal relationships, picky and a huge loner.
Because people have loose lips.
Are the celibate guys celibate because homophobia has damaged them emotionally?
Thanks for your kind offer, R39, but I can't burden anyone with the prospect of having to become my caretaker when the inevitable finally happens.
I have resigned myself to an ever shrinking world, and I realize I need help to cope with that, but as the days grow shorter and I grow more and more isolated one just loses hope.
Totally celibate because although I am attractive I just find random sex soulless and empty. Prefer to beat off. But if I found someone I could love, and vice versa, I'd be happy to have sex again. Or not. Right now, at 48, I'd much rather find love than sex.
R43, "caretaker" is what becomes of most relationships that last. I would be your caretaker anyways. You are my partner. But, I understand, I am a goblin. If you prefer, I could just come down from the "tower" when you call when you need something. I have lots of money, too much money, and I am looking for a man to spend it on, and give to when I pass away. I thought because you were going blind and I was a hideous looking monster, we'd be a good match. Just two people, outsiders to the whole world, who actually own the whole world.
But, I understand. Take care my good friend.
Honestly, knowing that I COULD sleep around if I wanted to is enough validation for my self-esteem, and so the question becomes: do I really want to?
And the majority of the time the answer is: no. Why take a chance with a random hook-up who may turn out to be an asshole, a psycho, have STD's, etc. (and afterwards you'll think - "I let myself exchange bodily fluids with THAT?") I kind of follow Cher's attitude in "Clueless": "You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet."
Doesn't mean I'm planning on being celibate forever. I've started seeing a guy where I could see us having sex soon (this is after a long dry spell for me) - I like him, he seems sane, and no matter what happens down the road I at least feel I'll be having sex because I want to have a good time with someone I enjoy spending time with, not because I want to toss around my body to feel attractive or sexy or stave off my existential loneliness.
[quote] I want to have a good time with someone I enjoy spending time with, not because I want to toss around my body to feel attractive or sexy or stave off my existential loneliness.
This summed up my life.
I lost all interest in sex and it happened abruptly and at the most inappropriate moment. I was in the middle of a my first fuck session with a super hot, recently divorced neighbor that I had been lusting after for a while. Suddenly I thought "What the fuck am I doing, why does this guy have to be naked in my bed and why is his cock in my mouth?" I've been celibate ever since.
Similar answers: I'm 51 and have only had one encounter in the last 11 years. Found myself in a situation which finally got me to ask myself, "why am I doing this?". I couldn't answer that question satisfactorily enough; therefore, I decided I wouldn't get into situations where I wasn't in love with the other person. I haven't yet fallen in love; so I haven't been with anyone.
A good female friend tells me that I have amore traditional female view of sex. That is, sex without a deep emotional connection holds zero interest for me. And that connection takes time. Gay men want to bed me immediately on sight - it doesn't hurt my appeal that, I'm told, it's apparent that I'm well hung - and aren't interested in investing the time to form a strong bond. So I inevitably fall - albeit very rarely - with unavailable men.
I'm like you r50. I don't want just sex. Used to when I was younger, but no more.
[quote]Gay men want to bed me immediately on sight - it doesn't hurt my appeal that, I'm told, it's apparent that I'm well hung.
lol. I believe you, but I just find people whom describe themselves this way to be humorous.
This thread is useless without a poster's selfie with an unused condom.
Totally sympathize with r7, and am sort of in the middle of doing what r17 and r18 said.
I'm not my own "type," but I attract other guys who I find handsome, so in that sense, I'll say I'm "good-looking". Am also still insecure, despite being 51.
After the end of a long, sexless partnership, I'm now being slutty and am having fun after a year of celibacy... but it was really more like 10 years.
It's the chase and being chased that's most exciting and ego inflating. The sex is sort of tedious, but I get off emotionally on pleasuring other guys. I'm very selective, but the threat of STD's is always real. My problem is that I fall in love too easily with whomever shows any interest.
Just started "seeing" (i.e. NSA fucking) a partnered guy who's in a sexless relationship. They're still together out of habit and economics, sort of like my last relationship for the last 10 years. He sees right through me and gets my insecurity as well as my sense of humor, fun, naughtiness, and guilt. He knows how to play me and I guess that's what I need or want. But after he cums in my mouth, his interest wanes and I start to feel empty. But it is still fun. He's going to have to fuck me if he wants to see me orgasm. Not sure if he's going to go there. But then we just giggle together about the absurdity of what we just did. It'd priceless.
Am dating another guy but we can't seem to have sex due to logistics, or...? Not sure. I hate that I'm falling in love with him.
I think the OP's premise is flawed. What is "good looking" anyway? There's a lid for every pot. I don't get this DL thing where guys haven't had a date in decades and think they're ugly. So, are you bald, old, and fat? Who cares! So many men are. And many of them are fucking hot. I don't find Brad Pitt to be attractive. Get me with a clean, naked man on the sheets who has a nice smile and I'll get a raging boner. The vulnerable intimacy does the rest.
Am unemployed and would probably focus on a career and be celibate rather than seeking out and doing fuck buddies.
But being celibate for so long became depressing. It's not about being perfect looking or finding Mr. Perfect; it's about what you think about yourself and how much you can empathize with others.
Some good pron and lotioned hands can bring out the Jizz, but nothing can replace human intimacy.
[quote] So, are you bald, old, and fat? Who cares!
Apparently alot of guys do who are superficial.
If you cannot afford a hustler and you are old and fugly, what can you do?
Celibacy is the only way to go.
So how do you replace that need to connect with someone sexually?
A lot of us are still scared to death of HIV. I know the anxiety can be excessive but I think many of us are kind of scarred psychologically from living through the years when tests and treatments weren't available. People just got sick and died horrible deaths.
Now they say half the people carrying HIV don't even know.
I'm in a non-sexual bromance with a much younger straight guy & what brought us together was our mutual pretty appearance.
R19, while I don't in the slightest think anything you said is untrue, I have to say I'd trade any 'beautiful' person THEIR problems for my ugly-person problems.
Seriously. Having people want you only for sex is better than nobody wanting you at all. And having people not approach you because they're intimidated is better than having people just not approach you because they're disgusted.
It's like a poor person hearing rich people complain. Yeah, I'd trade 'problems' with you in a heart-beat.
How about impotence ?
Ive had celibacy imposed on me
Yep, I am lifelong celibate and goodlooking because I am a Christian believer who believes any sex outside of heterosexual marriage is a sin that displeases God and not compatible with Christian witness. I have sinned and had sex with chicks before, but have repented for that sin. I have had Christian females discuss marriage with me, but I am not sure if that is what I have been called to do. I am fulfilled in Christ as a celibate single and see no need to marry a woman unless God calls me to do so.
R19, it's easy to meet guys when you're good looking. You meet them everywhere you go. I'm disgusting and ignored, but I have a gay friend who is adorable and he gets looks and friendliness all the time, everywhere. He gets discounts and exceptionally kind and courteous service.
I get disgust. But, I'm fug. So, that's what you expect, that's life. But, having seen my friend and all the love he gets, I can assure you, you're talking only from your experience. As I am too. I have a feeling you might be fug too, but...who knows.
Of course I'm good looking and don't have sex.
R64 how do you cope? How do you fill that emptiness inside of you?
How do you handle not being desirable?
These are honest questions.
Thanks R66, I work on other facets of my life, like writing, or my personality. I think unattractive people become attractive in other aspects of who they are like their personality or sense of humor. The funniest men I know are ugly men. I think it's a survival mechanism. It takes guts to be ugly in this world. But, you grow such an outlook on life. A really funny one too.
R63 is a parody post, yes?
I want the Goblin and the Blind Guy to get together!!!
I'm constantly told I'm good looking, but since I hate being gay (and I'm not attracted to women)...I'm celibate.
R71 get over it
I think I'm average, but a lot of female colleagues and acquaintances tell me I'm "good looking" which embarrasses me. I'm happiest when I'm on my own or with my dogs than being around other human beings.
Have ANY guy he wants? I'm not all that good looking, but I could turn down guys who are conventionally seen as "hawt" in favor ones who are average, but quirky/goofy.
Longterm celibate since college because I am a committed Christian who believes in biblical truth.
Nerves. I'm afraid I suffer from ED. I'm also afraid of bottoming. Haven't met the right man who will wade through my sexual bullshit.
R76 you are young and you will get over that soon. Besides sex doesn't mean it has to be anal.
You can do lots of great stuff without doing anal.
I understand why many gradually decide to fore go meaningless sex, or tire of the let down after an act that goes no where. But, beware. This attitude becomes entrenched and you can find yourself living a sexless life. I did this and realized one day it had been twelve years since I had sex with someone, and I was beginning to lose interest in masturbating. I made myself seek out partners, casually, whilst seeking a relationship. Attend to that eternal flame. Still looking.
Many are afraid of HIV
I go through phases. I'm very good looking and have a good body. I have lots of sex, and could probably have even more if I wanted it. The problem is the feeling that I'm always being used for sex. Constantly. What I really want is a relationship and ONE person to have steady sex with. That is very hard to find.
I'm sick of being a stunt dick for desperate bottoms who don't even want to date me.
Plus the sexuality of men nowadays is so damn aggressive I can't even deal. I'm the type of guy who likes to have a real sensual experience and all people want to do is fuck fuck fuck like they're being timed.
Also, the last time I had anal sex I had a fuckbuddy literally come out as poz while I was INSIDE of him (condom airtight so no worries). It makes
me nervous. There is also a big part of me that thinks that a lot of aimless fucking is gonna hinder me from finding my husband who I KNOW is out there.
I am lifelong celibate for religious reasons. I have had sex with women, but since that is sin also outside heterosexual marriage, no more hetero fornication either. I don't miss sinning.
I'm on Zoloft=celibate. Which sucks, because before that I was a fun if somewhat intense girl.
I am average looking and celibate. Women love me, gay men think I am funny but I rarely get noticed or approached at bars. Sometimes, gay men will show interest, but it is usually because they want a genuine friendship connection and not a sexual one. It is easier for most gay men I am interested in to go on grindr and find some meaninlgess empty sex rather than actual having real intimacy with real emotions.
Sex had to have an emotional connection for me, so I remain celibate. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only gay guy who thinks this way. I met an amazing guy over the summer who would flirt with me all the time. But we never hooked up. I was told it was because he knew it would mean something to me and he was much more comfortable with the random anonymous hookup thing. This is what usually happens to me - I make a real connection with emotions and unmistakeable chemistry. But it doesn't go anywhere. Being in my 40s, I recognize the true connections are rare.
If you never go out to specific gay venues and don't have an online profile, it doesn't take much effort for a gay man to remain celibate.
You can be the most conventionally attractive gay man in the world, but on the street it's mostly attractive women who draw the attention, both from straight men and other women.
Straight women often won't give you a second look, let alone come on to you.
I experienced it only once, when two teenage girls on the escalator turned around, stared at me and told me I was beautiful.
I'm an average-looking lesbian who's celibate by choice. I meet the kind of women I'm attracted to every day, but sadly, they're all straight. It's difficult to find another lady-loving lady who takes reasonably good care of her appearance, isn't covered in tattoos and piercings, and is more or less sane.
Researchers have noted a large and growing number of non-elderly AMericans who are celibate longterm. I wonder what may be accounting for this trend.
[quote]I had a fuckbuddy literally come out as poz while I was INSIDE of him
Now THAT is fucked up.
Thanks for the input, R86. I had assumed that there were enough attractive lipstick lesbians to go around. I run across a lot of "hipsters" who ping my gaydar, but who are in straight relationships.
Yep, I am a committed Christisn who believes in the Bible as the Word of God. Therefore, I live to obey and glorify Jesus in all things.
AT this point I'm just absolutely afraid of meeting and trying to date anyone new and have to have sex with them. I don't want to be used, I don't want to use, I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to hurt. I can't deal with flakes. Sad to say I'm afraid of relating to gay guys on a sexual level.
Very true first paragraph r85.
I'm not good looking; I look just like my mother who, I'm told, was beautiful. Beauty may work for women, but fails men miserably.
In my fitness addiction, I received plenty of "Fun-size", "Peel-N-Eat", "Pocket Gay" comments. I attracted plenty of weasel-faced guys who always looked like they were running a temperature. I was told my boyfriends looked like me. I never saw a resemblance - except for fitness level and height.
Last year at age 45 I became invisible. No more "blue steel" looks, no more bitchy comments from drunk queens on the street, no more marriage proposals from sweet old queens I barely know.
I can strike up a conversation with anyone without being accused of flirting. I can talk to anyone without gropes, comments about my arms or pecs, bullshit questions about top/bottom, or dumbass questions about why I'm not married.
R33, my experience is similar to yours. Was sexualised from an early age, although not exactly abused (it's complicated), and was very much into sex . Recognised young film stars who gave off that vibe as well.
This lasted for about fifteen years I would say, maybe slightly more.
It was put to a brutal halt one summer in my early thirties.
All the memories of the past abuse (it was abuse, just hard to put words into it) came flooding back three years ago, and I've had very little sex since. It simply doesn't interest me anymore.
And I used to be a very sexual person, it was probably even an obsession for several years when I was around 25.
I still give off a sexual vibe I guess, or at least I know to turn it on. But all the trouble that sex is and all the trouble it can get you into just doesn't interest me anymore.
Today I just like to watch landscapes. Beaches, cliffs, lakes, the mountains. I work because I have to but all I'm interested in now is travel.
can we continue this conversation?
I"m 26, will be 27 in July, and I have only had sex once and that was when I was 21. I just haven't had time for a relationship since then. Also, I don't want a freaking std from one night stands.