I didn't think that cherry-picking was a corporate buzzword.
It's used a lot in sales R2
Outside the box
Low hanging fruit
At the end of the day
What's the ask?
"touch base", "metrics" and "outliers" own this thread.
My new favorite: "You don't have to boil the ocean."
"How about I boil a pot of water and dump it over your head every time you say that, asshole?"
"Reach out." Why can't you just say "I'll call him/her?" Is that so difficult? "Reach out" always makes me think of touching someone inappropriately.
Corporate-speak/aka nonsense business language irritates me like you wouldn't believe.
"I own the whole shop"
My boss is fond of the term "done and dusted" when a project is complete, i.e., when all the details of the project have been done and dusted.
Price point is hardly a buzz word, it was around in 1900.
Cherry picking isn't a buzz word either, but I could see that it might be over used.
On the other hand, I haven't a clue what "granular" means in a corporate sense.
[quote]"You don't have to boil the ocean."
What does that even mean?
Tell a story
SMEs - subject matter experts
creatives (as is people)
(can you tell we're hiring a new marketing director and I spent last week sitting through candidate presentations and interviews?)
KOLs, key opinion leaders
I never took anything in the first place. It is giving.
r12 -- your boss is actually dumb and dumber.
"Triaging" emails. So much more exciting than plain old forwarding them.
'Consultant' = Unemployed
I don't have a problem with "reach out" if it is in the context of testing the waters, with the implication that the other person may not be receptive. If it is used to merely mean "contact", I will do bodily damage to the speaker.
"You don't have to boil the ocean" means that you don't have to overextend yourself or do more than you should.
"putting out fires." I hate that!
Haha, giving back is a great one R17. Just really yucky that they pretend that when it's really just about manipulating emotions for the bottom line (profit).
Not business but politicians talking about 'hard-working families' makes me want to puke all the fucking time.
the day I never have to hear "great call out" cannot come too soon.
"Let's regroup on this later on."
R19, I can only see the use of "triage" in regards to emails if one is deciding, in a crisis situation, which emails are most important and require immediate attention. Otherwise, ya got to be kidd'n, right?
Calling part of a project a "piece." For example, "when Ben is done with the UX piece, we can move on to the content piece."
Vice President of Development and Donor Relations = "I take two-hour lunches at the best restaurants in the city and catered meetings every fucking day on the company's dime."
[quote]'Consultant' = Unemployed
But where I work it is also someone who took early retirement and then is hired back at a higher rate of pay to be a consultant. Basically doing the job they had.
It's become my new career goal.
Nothing remotely resembling a crisis, R27. Just a team which distributes customer emails on to whichever department will deal with them. In an excitingly modern and dynamic way.
R33, are you with a DoD agency? LMAO, I hate that word!
[quote]SMEs - subject matter experts
LOL. SMEs means 'Small and Medium-sized Enterprises'.
R14, it means that someone is about to do a half-arsed job...
R35: in Department of Defense, we use SME for subject matter experts.
"Let's unpack that."
[quote] LOL. SMEs means 'Small and Medium-sized Enterprises'.
Imagine that an acronym which could mean more than one thing.
It also stands for Self Managed Employee.
Does anyone know what EBIT means? It's Those Who Must Be Obeyed's favourite new buzzword and there may be consequences if I answer "huh?"
wow you should be fired for not even knowing how to google. Earnings Before Interest and Taxes....
Thanks R42. DL's way better than Google.
"Administrative hygiene" (cue the cube frau jokes)
The most creepy term I ever heard used was 'administrative hygiene." Our CEO kept using it on an all-employee call and I remember thinking at the time "WTH is that?!"
Needless to say their were big admin staff layoffs afterwards (and the company went under a few months after that call).
The CEO also kept using the term "leakage" which I finally grasped was places where they were losing $$$ (which was, uh, everywhere as the company was so poorly managed)
I hate those creepy, cold terms and think it de-sensitizes management in dealing with their employees. No wonder they can lay people off with such ease.
Strategic initiative = a business plan
"We've recently made some changes" = "We've recently shitcanned 1/3 of the employees here"
I fucking hate them all but especially "fully engaged".
WTF? Seriously? You're going to "fully engage" someone like they're a starship?
Any person who uses these idiot terms generally falls to the bottom of the intelligence scale in my book. Is it required that all managers talk like morons to remain managers? It seems that way.
The dumber and more obtuse the language, the higher the spot on the corporate ladder it seems.
'ping', meaning 'check in with', as in "I'll ping Mr Smith and check his availability for next week". Maybe it's only used in IT (where you 'ping' another computer to see if you can see it on the network), but I hated hearing it used when it came to people.
I used to work for a company where we had LOTS of conference calls, and the VP of IT was this buzzword-crazed woman. So, being the overgrown children that we IT people are, we came up with Buzzward Bingo, and distributed bingo cards via email to all the participants other than Miss Buzzword. Obviously, we couldn't just blurt out 'BINGO' so, borrowing from 'The Broken Hearts Club' we used 'meanwhile'. So the call would grind on, with Miss Buzzword chattering along, and someone would suddenly say 'meanwhile', and she'd stop and say 'meanwhile? meanwhile what??' and the 'winner' would mutter something like 'oh, nevermind Miss Buzzword, what was it you were saying?' and off she'd go again.
I remember I 'won' once during a disaster-recovery meeting when she said 'BFE', which stood for 'building flattening event', or to the rest of us (since we were based in San Francisco), 'big fucking earthquake'.
Does anyone have the extreme pleasure of working in an environment where "priority" is now a verb? As in: "let's priority the REIT portfolio at the 3:00 meeting." It means moving something to the head of the line.
Oh god, you just want to stab the person who says it.
I have worked in IT groups in the private sector and we also use SME = Subject Matter Expert. Too many SMEs will get you dinged in SoD (Separation of Duties) testing, meant to expose the idiotic "one guru per subject area" trap.
I've noticed that different companies have their own buzzwords. In one of my job interviews, the 3 interviewers each used "stewardship" many times, which I'd never heard at the other companies I'd worked, or anywhere since.
An "ask" instead of a "request"
"Reach out to" instead of specifying a preferred contact method
"Low hanging fruit" instead of "easy tasks"
To "cascade" instead of to "distribute"
"Put that in the parking lot" instead of "discuss that later"
"Table that" instead of "discuss that later"
"Take that offline" instead of "discuss that later"
"COB" = close of business (the end of the day, EOD)
"Deck" instead of "presentation"
"Op spec doc" oh for God's sake
"RIF" = Reduction In Force, layoff
"Downstream" instead of "recipient"
"Upstream" instead of "source"
"Open a dialogue" instead of "discuss"
A "delta" instead of a "change"
"SOP" = Standard Operating Procedure
"RAM" = Responsibility Assignment Matrix, not, of course, to be confused with the "RACI" which is the grid of which role is Responsible, Advised, Consulted, Informed
"Buffer resource" = resource with limited time allotted to a project, e.g. only about 4 - 8 hours per week.
"Cadence" instead of "schedule"
"Capacity plan" instead of "workload" or "book of work"
"Going dark" instead of "becoming unavailable"
"Out of pocket" instead of "unreachable"
"Socialize" instead of "publish" or "tell everybody"
"Circle back" instead of "reconvene"
I'm sure there are more, but I am old and tired.
"team work" bullshit term that everyone throws about but never really works.
"She presents well" = "I would love to fuck her"
Align with the business. As in make sure you goals align with the business. Umm...just my doing my fucking job I align with the business.
R47, you'll need to circle back and ping the BCP SME to socialize your status on these DR testing tasks before we go dark at COB.
Outliers, cherry-picking, metrics are mathematical/statistical/data management terms adopted by business-types.
"Sign off / sign off on"
Sorry, "SoD" should have said, "Segregation of Duties."
These subtle differences in vocabulary at various companies make me admire the Indian contractors' versatility even more.
Thought of a couple more...
"Happy Path" = ideal sequence of events
"Smoke Test" = brief validation of key features of the system after code is installed
Low-hanging fruit is a really gross one. Especially when uttered by a fat neckbeard.
I don't know if it's corporate, but people saying "out of" instead of "in" or "from," as in, "Jake Gyllenhaal out of Hollywood" or "Joe Schmoe out of Kansas City, Kansas."
Key-in = type
Sense of urgency = act as if something is important when it really isn't (so boss feels important)
Minimal effective response.
Gad, I'm so happy to be chronically unemployed now.
I hate these stupid words. Only corporate robots love them.
My sister speaks this way. At home. All the time. She thinks it makes her appear intelligent and is a way to contain and bury what little emotion she has left.
Jusgt touching base here.
I've been out of the loop for this whole thread and need a status report ASAP. Can someone give me an executive summary, with a flow chart diagramming the heirarchy? That's SOP for anyone in the b2b sector.
I have a friend who is forever wanting to "touch base." He also says "gals" instead of women, so he's a multi-doucheword mess, but oh, how I hate "touching base."
r69, we'd appreciate it if you redid your post in the form of a SWOT analysis.
B to B always made me want to H.U.R.L.
How about PTM (pay the mortgage), FO (Feed Ourselves) and HTH (Heat the Home)
r73 hasn't been near another guy's low-hanging fruit since the Louisiana Purchase was in escrow.
"Low-hanging fruit" always gives me a mental image of grabbing a guy's balls and squeezing.
Indeed, r75, many moons ago on one of my favorite DL threads someone had posted a photo of Pete Burns doing a show somewhere. In the photo, he had pulled up his skirt to reveal the lowest hanging balls I ever did see.
One poster quipped that he will always envision Pete's balls the next time anyone mentioned "low hanging fruit" and, alas, I giggle every time I hear the phrase as I picture Pete Burns' balls hanging to his knees.
What does "low hanging fruit" mean?
Glad not to know, but still...
For r77 and all of you "low hanging fruit" types.
R77, in my day it meant the same as "easy pick'ns". In other words, an easy sale or an easily completed task. someone who went after low hanging fruit was considered lazy and lacking in motivation.
I worked for three nasty bitches at a large corporation who used many of the buzzwords that others have listed here.
The dumbest of the three, and that was really saying something, used to use teamness as a word. Then the other two started using it. They all hated me and I knew it, so I didn't care if I pissed them off. I finally pointed out in a meeting that teamness was not a word. Dumbest of Three protested wildly, so I dared her to find it in the dictionary. Oh boy, was she pissed when she realized I was right.
I finally transferred to another department, then quit a few years later when I could see that these types of large corporations are dysfunction factories. I've worked only for small to medium sized companies ever since and I find most of the workers use far fewer buzzwords. :-)
Not corporate, but as a costume designer a hate it when someone says "fabricing" for swatching. If I have sent you out to get swatches and you must turn a noun into a verb, it is "swatching". It is not as if the watch company is going to sue you. I rfeally hate it when I hear "fabricing fabrics".
Ooh, R49, you spoil us. I particularly like Happy Path, I'm going to unleash that on my manager during my performance review. Bet he grinds his teeth.
Optics. ("We have to avoid optics of conflict of interest.")
I teach and for awhile, we'd hear from our district office that we were to do various activities to "fidelity"- teach to fidelity, meet to fidelity, etc. What the hell does that even mean?
To adhere to some preordained code, R84?
I'll draw a line in the sand....
Great list r49. I routinely hear all of those idiotic phrases at my company, and from people at other companies who work with ours.
The worst are the people who use this stupid business-speak in their personal lives. You just want to commit bodily harm.
"off site" meaning "out of the office!"
Win-win is just another word for tie.
OMFG @ R78's pic - is that a piece of shit on the stage?!?
[quote]"Out of pocket" instead of "unreachable"
I'm cool with everything else R49 wrote; I mean, most of them are pretty fucking annoying, but at least they make sense.
But how in the fucking fuckiest stupid fuckistan of goddamn fucksville does "out of pocket" mean "unreachable"?!?!?
How about the word "tasking" ? This is used in my office a lot and I find it very annoying.
employee dress code
employees must wash hands before returning to work station
R93 is 15 years old and thinks he's very grown up.
Corporate trolls in my office are fond of the word "navigating." Navigating toward a win...Navigating through red tape, etc. Everything is analogous to some imaginary voyage toward a win, whether it's winning a client, winning additional biz from client, winning the client's trust, etc. Gagworthy.
"Belts and Suspenders"
Webinar. Why in the fuck does that word make my fucking skin crawl?
We have you on video.
Empty your pockets.
I've called the police.
Emails that start with either:
Because they are the favorite salutations of two despicable, lying, unethical, hypocrital assholes in power positions in the organization.
"tell me more"
What is this fucking story time?
I'm going to "Loop" X in on this conversation
Instead of using "Copy or cc:"
"Driving" to mean the tool who's in charge of some stupid project.
"Who's driving this? Tom? Ok, let's reach out to Tom so we can touch base with him and get up to speed on what initiatives we need to prioritize before the 3:00."
***that sound you just heard was me banging my head against the wall***
Team player/team member - where Management is neither.
Subject Matter Expert
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