My teenage nephew got arrested this weekend for partying with some friends at a vacant house and he had some drugs (pot, prescription drugs, though nothing hard) in his possession. My brother and sister-in-law are upset, but mostly annoyed at the heavy handed tactics of the cops. My nephew seems strangely unfased by the whole thing and his parents seem to admire his "hang tough" demeanor. I don't think he has to break down and cry, but he could at least be a bit contrite about the money thing whole thing will cost.
I know there are many threads about various people complaining about the antics of nieces, nephews and the younger generation in general, but I am truly baffled at my brother's nonchalant reaction to all this. I'm sure in the end the whole thing will be adjudicated, but that's after 2-3K in legal costs, plus counseling and drug tests. Even on a good day, my nephew sleeps all day, seems to have no outside interests and spends every waking moment glued to his phone. My brother & I were raised in such a different environment, I can't believe he turns a blind eye to all of this, even if the can afford it.
I just try to be supportive, but generally keep my mouth shut and stay out of it, but I'd love to tell them that there "smart kid" (he is book smart) is a lazy, spoiled brat and this incident is just the beginning...
Lock him up. Throw away the key. Your brother is a shitty parent and his kid will amount to no good. When there are real consequences for this brats, they'll think twice before pulling this shit.
I'll tread very gingerly into this...
There isn't a whole hell of a lot you can do if the parents aren't concerned. Even if you display concern, it's likely that you'll be ignored/dismissed. The parents and/or the nephew has to care about it before they'll pay attention to you.
As a ancient person, I can say based on pure anecdotal evidence that about 70% of young people who get into serious trouble with the law and/or with drugs end up dead before age.fifty or in dead end jobs.
What a shitty description you provided, OP.
1. Is he over 18?
2. Is he in high school?
3. Does he have a job?
You forgot the most important questions:
4. Is he hot?
5. Is he gay?
Your nephew is very likely a sociopath.
Hope he looks good in orange.
You should chat with your brother. Kids who get into trouble with the law and get out of it rather easily don't take it seriously and things tend to escalate with future issues that have much bigger consequences, like a felony that is difficult to live down the rest of his life and will severely limit his options. No, the stuff he had wasn't that big a deal, and you should emphasize that, since that's the parents' stance and you want them to hear what you're saying. But it will be bigger next time, an there WILL be a next time if dealing with this is easy for him. At minimum, they should contribute nothing financially toward the court costs and fines. He made this choice, he should feel his own consequences. That is real life and a good growing up experience to have - responsible for one's own consequences. Unless they plan to cover him for the rest of his life. If he has to be responsible for somehow coming up with the money to pay for this, maybe the stress of that will remind him that scrapes with the law are not worth it.
Tell your nephew he is too dumb to do drugs.
Cops show up at a vacant house and he has drugs on him? WTF? Even drooly FAS-baby fourteen year-olds have seen enough Cops on TV to know you ditch the contraband.
OP, when there is trouble with drugs, there's usually some sexual issue at the heart of it. Please sit your nephew down for a number of frank talks about sex, drawing out of him all the details about his sexual activity, sexual partners, etc. Be honest with him that he may be turning to drugs for a high because he may not have found a partner yet who is expert enough to bring his body to the peaks of pleasure, and then use your hands and mouth to show him just how good his penis can be made to feel.
"Their" smart kid, dear.
Unfortunately, there is nothing to do. You can't say things to your brother unless you have that kind of relationship. It sounds as if you don't.
Your nephew is not your responsibility. He also may be more concerned than his teen attitude shows. Most parents are in denial about their children, and react with "the police were mean" response as a defense.
But it's not your job. If you want to take responsibility for a kid, have one yourself.
OP here, sorry for the lack of detail:
- he's 17
- he's a senior in high school
- he doesn't have any kind of job - ANYWHERE. His sole responsibility is to do his own laundry, other than that, he does nothing else. To be fair, he lives in an area where it's difficult to get a part-time job, but my brother & sister-in-law give him plenty of cash, so he really has no incentive.
- he's cute, but not hot. And not gay.
I live in an affluent suburb, and none of the high school kids are expected to work. I wanted someone to help out with yardwork, and no one is interested because they don't need the money. When I was in high school, I worked part time during the school year and full time in the summer, but my family was poor. I don't know if things have changed in the last 20 years, or if it is a socioeconomic issue.
OP, I don't think you should offer unsolicited advice. It rarely goes over well with parents. My son got in a number of minor scrapes with the law as a teenager - being caught in an abandoned building with friends (but minus the drugs), being caught smoking a joint walking down the street in broad daylight). There were no fines involved but he did have to do community service for the pot-smoking incident, working an a community garden for a couple of days.
We wrung our hands and wondered where we went wrong and he, like your nephew, was quite stoic about it and just didn't want to discuss it, aside from "I'm sorry."
Unlike your nephew, my son did always have jobs, but that was 10 years ago in a much different economy. He's now 27 with a good job and is an overall great kid. They do grow out of the stupids eventually.
Agree with R12. None of OP's business. The parents ARE concerned but are putting a brave, non-chalont face on it for friends and family. It's also true that many teens from affluent families don't work. They don't need to work the same shitty, minimum wage jobs we all had to suffer through because their parents can save them from that humiliation. Wish I never had to work retail and fast food jobs when I was young. It sucked and the bosses were mean assholic losers.
[quote]I live in an affluent suburb, and none of the high school kids are expected to work. I wanted someone to help out with yardwork, and no one is interested because they don't need the money.
That's why we have Mexicans, dear.
R13, don't you think that working for minimum wage for assholes taught you a lesson and gave you a stronger work ethic? It made me work harder in college, because I sure as hell didn't want to end up working dead end jobs for the rest of my life.
OP, whether your brother and his wife are deeply concerned or totally in denial, they're going to present a calm, brave face to you and act like everything is okay. When people behave like this it means that you aren't part of the response team, you don't get a vote, and you aren't told what is really going on.
In the unlikely event that your nephew wants to confide in you it would be great (as it sounds like having a serious talk with an adult who isn't a parent would do him good), but if not, you'll just have to butt out.