Anecdotally there seem to be lots of gay people in heterosexual relationships. I'm curious about how it works and guessing that some people here are in that situation. Does your partner know? How do you deal with your same-sex attractions? Does it make you feel bad? Why did you do it? Do you identify as bisexual? That kind of thing.
If you know of other people who are like that, I'm interested in the stories as well.
How old are you/where do you live? Outside of highschool/college I see gays being in relationships with girls as almost solely conservative country flyover problems and older gay problems.
There are MANY younger closeted gay men who get married, and they are not all hayseeds fundies from flyover country.
In law school I saw a ton of obviously gay men who were in relationships with women. Many come from money. Believe it or not, there are highly educated, wealthy people who frown on homosexuality. A lot of these guys also went to boarding schools that were often incredibly homophobic as well.
Many do it to get ahead in their careers.
there are two heterosexually married dads on my street who i'm sure are both gay, and closeted. they are liberal, well-to-do upper-middle class people. i don't get it at all, but they obviously feel a need to live a heterosexual "traditional" family life. both are great dads, i have to say. one wife is kind of butch and cool, but the other seems very sad. (only one dude has hit on me, but i'm certain of both).
I work with a guy who socially identifies as straight. He's tried to get me to go out with him for awhile now. He's 39 on his fourth marriage. The current wife was raped as a teenager and has no desire for sex. Their marriage is simply companionship and he swears he can't imagine trying to live with a man in the same way. She's indifferent as to what he does sexually as long is it doesn't become public knowledge.
I've always found him attractive but have never been one that could engage in casual sex.
yes, r5, but i won't reveal that on a public forum. neither job is the kind of thing where being gay would be an issue. they both work for med/large firms in industries where gays are accepted and hold positions of power.
My sister brought home her college boyfriend and even the most straight, sheltered, fundamentalist Christian could tell this guy was a total flamer.
They got married and had a baby. Very shortly after the baby came, he announced he was gay and leaving her for his long time boyfriend.
Not one person in our family or group of friends was shocked.....except her! She assumed since they had sex, there was no way he could be gay. Not even with his impeccable wardrobe and whip smart hairstyle and affinity for opera.
As a gay man, I have had many, many heterosexual relationships. Mostly with other men.
Men always want it all. They want the wife and the kids plus the boyfriend on the side. Gay or straight or bi, men are greedy.
Very true r10.
Why are Dataloungers so obsessed with this topic?
Does having homosexual desires, even exclusively homosexual desires, mean that you shouldn't have a traditional marriage for any number of reasons, personal and professional? As long as the straight spouse knows the story, I don't see why a gay person can't marry opposite sex.
If the spouse is deceived, it's not fair.
Because it's interesting, R12.
But I just don't get it. Like many other gay men, I slept with a few girls back in high school. Since I am a homosexual and therefore not attracted to the female anatomy, it was next to zero fun. How can a gay man get hard for a woman repeatedly and constantly for years on end in order to sustain a friggin' marriage? Cialis??
R15 A surprising number get off on thinking of themselves as the heterosexual men as they lust after. in other words putting themselves in the place of a hot guy fucking his girl.
I recently met two men who are married to women and who have been in a sexual relationship with each other for 24 years. Small town, very visible members of community, lots of children, grand children and relatives around. Everyone seems to be oblivious to their relationship including their wives. They are "best friends" who see each other every day and who claimed to me that they have sex every day. (after 24 years...)
How/why do they do it? These men have constructed lives that give them heterosexual privilege and that, I think, is key to this discussion. They are rabid republicans who recite the invectives of Hannity and Limbaugh as if they were the word of god. They seem to think that they have absolutely nothing in common with the gay community, nor do they have anything resembling a gay identity. As I read in an earlier post, these are men who think they can do whatever they want with impunity, and they do it with a completely clear conscious.
While listening to all of their bilious chatter it occurred to me that I knew enough information to about their lives to completely destroy them. I have not done that, nor would I, but there is some consolation in knowing that I could.
I think that in some ways this represents the difference between gay men and men-who-have-sex-with-men.
[quote][R15] A surprising number get off on thinking of themselves as the heterosexual men as they lust after. in other words putting themselves in the place of a hot guy fucking his girl.
I never thought of that. Imagining yourself as the object of your lust must do weird things to your mind.
How do you know so much about their lives?
Their attitude is similar to the DL in the black community. As long as they fulfill their obligations to the tribe (marriage, children), what they do on their own time is nobody's business.
R17 This is why, even in this day and age, there has to be at least a few gay male celebrities no one has considered. Not everyone is going to "ping".
Or just look at Leo and Clooney.
The men that R17 talks about are the reason we can't have nice things. If we had them we could throw them at them and perhaps kill their useless asses.
I'd destroy them, R17. They are not worth covering for.
These gays of which you speak are in point of fact bisexual.
[] They are indeed bisexual. They are also proof of why bisexual people are not really a part of our community (with the exception of those occasions when it suits them, of course). These people are not truly gay, and they cannot understand what it is like to be. They only indulge in their same sex impulses as a form of release, and emotions are subordinate to male power. They treat this as an extension of their male, heterosexual privilege and they have nothing to do at all with the rest of us - nor do they want to in reality.
Bisexual people live in a world of their own, and as such they should be kept. We might both experience same sex attraction, but we gay people live it in an entirely different way altogether (a healthy, normal, honest way, in fact).
r13 It is a sad and pathetic life, that is why. And the straight women that knowingly go alone with it are sad too.
Exactly, r24. I don't know why this isn't more widely accepted; a losing demographic numbers game, maybe.
r23 Some of them might be bisexual, but many are in fact completely gay.
r24 Not all bisexual men marry women in order to stay closeted or get straight privilege. They marry women because there are more straight women than there are gay or bisexual men.
No, they're all bisexual.
Oh stop it with the bisexual technicality. MANY gay people enter heterosexual relationships for an array of reasons as wide as your ass and mine put together.
[quote]Does having homosexual desires, even exclusively homosexual desires, mean that you shouldn't have a traditional marriage for any number of reasons, personal and professional?
Depends on your tradition -- is it your sociopathy or your pathology?
It's the way God intended!
Well, that's a compelling argument, R31.
okay I'll bite. this is me to a T. married for almost 20 years now. I fool around side and I am not proud of it.
and do you identify as gay or bisexual, r34?
Marywoman at R34. You should be more ashamed that you don't know to capitalize a word at the beginning of a sentence and to place a comma before the coordinating conjunction.
And, of course, that you read The Datalounge.
Does your wife know or suspect, R34?
gays deserve SLAP
He capitalised the T, R36, give him a break and maybe he's on a mini ipad like me. Quel hassle!
Actually, shut the fuck up, R36.
Finally we've someone here with a story to tell and all you can do is attack him over his grammar. Talk about Miss Mary!
I know of three men who came out as gay, NOT bisexual, after being married a number of years. One guy had four kids, mostly grown. One guy had three kids, school-age, and the last one had 2 young kids. All three wives had NO idea.
What I want to know is what's with all these kids if they're so gay? To have that many kids, you gotta do it fairly frequently. It's not like women get pregnant the first time they do it.
R41 I also know a guy who came out in his late 30's early 40s with 4 kids, three of which were over 18.
In his case it was religion. A Mennonite type sect and was encouraged to marry at a very young age, 16 I think and start breeding.
Oddly enough he's a total bottom...
I'm a woman seeing a woman who is married to a man and he knows and doesn't care that we are having sex. He has never asked if he could watch or participate. They have a child together. I've only been seeing her for a few months but so far, it's been very odd. She is REALLY into the sex and has now come out as bi but I am the first and only woman she has been with. She said to me that if every woman slept with a woman, there would be a hell of a lot more lesbians.
It isn't going to last because I want a full relationship and she's made it clear she won't leave her husband, but for now the sex is way hot.
A pal of mine (in his mid 60's), just left his wife. She had no idea. His adult children were shocked as well. He said he could no longer live a lie. His wife was very hurt with his truth. They all still get together as a family for the holidays, etc. He's finally living the life he always desired.
But how did it start?
Was this an internet hookup or did you know her from your work life?
r43, your set up is fine with me as long as they aren't Republicans. If either are, you're just enabling them to have their cake and eat it too.
I often wonder if there's a separation or difference with emotional/romantic attraction and sexual attraction in some of these cases which could explain some of it e.g. being sexually into the same sex but emotionally/romantically into the opposite sex.
Right r47, and it's just a wacky coincidence that it's always the dynamic you describe, allowing people who have gay sex to still masquerade as straight. Because who wants to kiss and be romantic will someone of the same gender, icky poo.
Nice humblebrag there R43.
Of course there are closeted gay men who are married to women but that doesn't necessarily mean that bisexuality is a myth where others who identify as such are concerned.
[quote] Imagining yourself as the object of your lust must do weird things to your mind.
I saw my butt hole in mirror recently and desperately wanted to fuck it. Very weird feeling, especially since I'm a bottom.
I have a friend who is such a great guy; however, everyone who meets him is convinced he's gay. He's married with kids, but the guy is flaming...and Conservative?
[quote]gays deserve SLAP[/quote]
On datalounge *again* Vladimir?
..and then there are the married men who like head. Bi or whatever. They hang out after every workout in NYSC sauna and steam and assuming no trolls will open their towel and get sucked off. They never reciprocate, they never fuck, they never see themselves as even a little bit gay.
As one said...I like to get my cock sucked, guys here like to suck cock, so why not?"
He always closes his eyes, and it takes him a minute to get hard in the guy's mouth. If a hand goes on it, he pushes it away, a second time he tells them their hands are too rough and it hurts. He hates ball and nipple play. Mouth on dick, do not touch any other part of his body, or he loses his wood.
It sure is, R33 . Project much, poopsie?
Do you have kids, R34?
Yes, 2 kids. Age 12 and 14. That's why I am staying.
I would write more, but there is so much pettiness and judgement passed here that I am refraining.
I'll admit that the trolls do suck the fun out of this place. An ignore feature would be great but I suppose prime-time is used to get rid of the trolls. Anyway, just ignore them. Many of us are interested in your story and it's relevant to the subject of the thread. Just ignore them and share your thoughts.
40% of all feminine lesbians will marry a man because it's easier
R57, did you get married for religious reasons or your career? What were you reasons?
R54, he sounds like an idiot. He should just whack off. And he's not straight.
R61 why whack off?
He wants to get sucked, guys want to suck him. Why should he waste it.
Because he's a big controlling prisspot who doesn't deserve to get good head which he wouldn't appreciate anyway, R62.
R63 you sound crazy...how the fuck do you get in the head of a stranger to know what they do or don't appreciate...stop projecting.
He is straight, R61. He's just using a stranger's mouth the way some people use a flashlight--as a masturbatory aid. He closes his eyes and thinks about women.
Oh for God's sake, r65, I hope you're joking.
Well many people believe men give better head. They know better how to get another man off, knowing both sides of the equation since they've been sucked off too. Sounds believable to me, also larger mouths probably help. I know it plays into a gay fantasies about straight men, rough trade, but it seems believable enough to me. And there's also prison sex to consider, I do think that the tops in prison really are often frustrated straight men making do. So has a straight man ever enjoyed being sucked off by an expert gay cocksucker? It has definitely happened.
It's probably harder to find casual bjs or sex from women than from men as well. A lot of straight men have to pay escorts.
I've been married over 20 years to a wonderful and beautiful woman. I truly do love her and sex with her (although not as good now) is fantastic. We have kids together who are all still in school and I owe her a lot for sticking by my side through tough times. She could have definitely dumped my ass for a better guy.
I haven't been with another man since college. I don't think I am gay since I am truly attracted to women and have fallen for them. But as time goes on my urges to have sex with a man get stronger.
When I first met my wife she thought I was gay. I happen to be a [childish epithet posted by a bigoted tool] guy that looks after myself and am interested in fashion and arts. I can't help my I guess gay voice - its how its always been.
She asked me in the beginning of our relationship a few times if I was really gay. I eventually had to come out to her as bisexual (but not until after we married. I doubt she would have married me if she knew prior).
Its hard dealing with same sex attractions. I haven't strayed but the temptation is always there. I work long hours so I could definitely just lie and say I was at work. We have gotten into anal play and she uses a strap on sometimes which is fun and helps. But I keep thinking back to my days in college and those urges just come back again.
R69, your story would bug me only if you're a Republican, otherwise it's none of my business.
>>>>>>. I truly do love her and sex with her (although not as good now) is fantastic
So if sex is still 'fantastic' although not as good as before, how was it before?
Also, more than sex, you seem to like shooting the shit with gay men on DL. So clearly you identify with gay more than just sexually.
Doesn't your wife notice your eyes wandering when you go out & about?
That's what I notice about closeted married men, they can't help checking out other men.
Well R70 for what its worth i'm not Republican
It was amazing before but I think that was partly due to being in our honeymoon phase, being younger and not having as much stress from our daily lives as we have now (kids and we are both higher up in our professions).
Yeah I don't know, I get along well with gay men. I've never been some macho guy and I do like things that are seen as 'stereotypically gay'. I probably could have lead a 'gay lifestyle' but (and you may hate me for this) leading a straight lifestyle is easier. I could get married in the early 90s and start a family easily. Also my family would not have a bar of me being gay. I'm sure of it.
Yeah well I try to be less obvious. But she knows I find men attractive just like I find women attractive. If someone, whether male or female, catches my eye I try to not let my wife notice.
A Kinsey 3?
r72, I'm not going to address the whole bi thing, I don't get it myself (that whole thing about being more romantically/emotionally attracted to one gender [and it's almost always women]confuses me), but isn't the urge to step outside a lengthy marriage pretty common anyway? I don't really get what the problem is, it's not like you are gay, you actually are attracted to your wife (and women in general).
I was kind of just contributing to the convo by answering the OP's questions but I guess my problem is that if I were 100% straight, my wife would satisfy me in every way sexually. Since i'm not, I have these urges that I wish I didn't have and that she can never completely fulfil. Its like i'm destined to cheat. I've come close several times but always back out of it.
Please, guys that are straight cheat on their wives plenty also R75. Being monogamous is hard, really hard.
It is not surprising that of course you fantasize more about men as that is the most obvious thing you don't have by being monogamous, but regardless the same underlying temptation would be there.
The sad truth is gays in hetero relationships are the majority of gays even today and unfortunately I think it will always be this way.
r77, sadly you are right :(
Then out them. I bet they have a facebook page or a linkedin...or maybe even a twitter if they have a 14 year old girl mentality.
r77, is correct. That is the biggest reason why most gay men are single and never will be in truly longterm relationships with a man. More gay/bi men are married to women by far than are married or partnered with other men.
r80, same for most gay women
[quote]More gay/bi men are married to women by far than are married or partnered with other men.
[quote]same for most gay women
I think the right wingers know if attitudes about gays chill there will be more out gay people and that scares them.
Well aren't attitudes about gays getting better? It's happening right in front of our eyes, and always faster than we think it will too. That's been the pattern lately.
R77, R78, R80: how about some proof for your claims? Your personal experience magnified into "truth"?
I always feel for the clueless spouse. How can you lie and build a life with someone who loves you enough to commit to you for life?
It seems so selfish and hurtful to do to someone.
"I think the right wingers know if attitudes about gays chill there will be more out gay people and that scares them."
That is true, but also when more gay people who do conform to gender norms come out it will make a big difference. Come on out masculine men and feminine women
[quote] proof for your claims
We're talking about relationships and identities that are, by their nature, secretive. It would be impossible to prove--or disprove, for that matter--how many people in hetero relationships experience same-sex attractions.
However, I, like other posters here, suspect that out-gays represent the tip of an iceberg, so to speak. I suspect everyone experiences SOME form of same-sex attraction at some point in their lives, even if it's just once or fleeting, and that many people experience it quite often. And I suspect there are a lot of people who experience it all the time and pretend otherwise.
R8 And none of you tried to tell her? What a caring family, letting your sister end up as a single parent.
A question about closeted gays, the ones who suddenly "realise" they are gay well into adulthood, how does this happen? How have they not noticed they prefer their own sex?
All suspicions are dubious at best.
R8 here - we questioned her a lot about what she loves and sees in him. He came from a very devout born-again family and she really loved him.
I would never question my sister's life choices if she's happy. I don't think bringing it up to her would've changed her decision to marry him and could've caused a long term awkwardness that would be devastating to the family.
My niece is delightful, by the way. Her father shares custody and while he's an angry man, he's a good dad.
R92 All right, I apologise. It just sounded like you all saw what was coming and said nothing.
I can understand why some gay men end up marrying the opposite sex, even when religion isn't a factor.
Let's face it: a lot of gay men scoff at and feel offended by closeted guys, but at the same time you hear those very same men make coldhearted statements about how gross men over 30-35 are and how they don't want anything to do with them. Also middle aged gay men are often unwanted by men from their own age group as well...
The message is: please come out of the closet if you're young and pretty, but go back in or crawl under the carpet and die once you're over the hill.
Most men ( gay or straight) can't handle a solitary middle-and old age, they're are afraid to die alone and unwanted; they see the straight-married-with-kids option as a safety net.
It happens a lot in Fort Collins.
Sorry to be so late with this reply, but R94 is either a sheltered gayby under the age of 30 (terrified at the prospect of aging), or a flyover frau opining on the tragic existence of "the gays". To infer that a closeted life is in any way preferable to life as a gay man over the age of 30-35 is just pure horseshit.
Sometimes the level of pure narcissism on these boards is really depressing.
Sounds like r94 pricked a nerve, r96. Care to come back and share after a spell of quiet reflection?
Let me guess, R97, you are a flyover frau killing time until AC360 begins.
Either that, or you're a fat queen under 35 clinging to the hope that you can starve that weight off starting tomorrow.