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I don’t see a point in living anymore.

I’m 32 years old. No siblings, both parents are dead. All grandparents are dead. I’ve spent the past decade in a job that I worked six to seven days a week, during that time all the friends I had have either moved from our home town or died as well. The cousin that I was close to died when she was 27 back in 2007. The one that I’m closest to now Is actually my mother’s cousin and she’s just found out she has cancer in stage three, if something happens to her then I’m just giving up. The rest of my family only knows me when they need me for something. I’ll get a call halfway through a party or gathering when someone realizes that no one bothered to notify me that anything was going on. The only other relative I talk to on a semi-regular basis is fucking his life up with drugs and I expect to outlive him. Due to issues I’ve had since a teacher tried to have sex with me when I was 13, I can’t stand to be touched by most people. Even when seeking a relationship the only people interested were guys who wouldn’t keep a job who wanted someone to support them; I’ve never been one who could or would settle for less than real affection. I’ve fooled around exactly twice and never actually engaged in intercourse. My depression eating has left me over 300 lbs. I actually carry it well, but I’m not happy, especially since I’m generally attracted to bears (the opposite of the teacher) and they only seem to be attracted to twinks. I used to take anti-depressants but my liver enzymes got so high with the only class that worked that I was taken off and they will not put me back on. Up until a few years ago I had a circle of gay friends who I spent time with. The core couples of that group have all either split up and/or moved to better places. With the exception of one gay friend that lives an hour away the only other person I talk to outside of work is a co-worker /distant relation who like the others forgets I exist when anything better is on the table. I dropped out of college due to financial reasons and never went back. Now I make too much for financial aid and too little to afford tuition. I can’t bring myself to apply for a student loan, quite frankly after all this time I’m scared that I can’t deal with a classroom setting anymore. My job pays well for the area (rural) but I stayed there despite the poisonous atmosphere because I refused to let the homophobic assholes win. Now after ten years, when I thought things were getting to be okay I literally had them tell me that I can’t use the bathroom in my office anymore when I asked why the guy said “It’s the decision I made.” My proximity card will not open that lock anymore. I have to walk around the complex, about hundred and fifty yards, to piss or shit. There is nothing else in the area that will pay me enough to live on without a graduate degree, and I never finished a bachelors . Oh, and my boss hasn’t signed off for me to take a week’s vacation since September of 2005, the only time I’ve had more than a day off is when my Grandmother and Father died. Then the work just pied up while I was gone and I was the asshole for not getting it done while I was out. I wake up, feel like crying because I didn't die in my sleep. I drag myself to get dressed, drive to work. Park in a different parking lot than everyone else that works in the building I do because they just couldn't find a spot for me. Walk 200 yards to my office and if I’m lucky enough that my boss didn't start calling with problems before I got there then the abuse begins, usually with my phone ringing when I walk into the office that I share with my boss. From that point on anything that nobody else wants to deal with becomes my problem. I break for lunch, which my boss has finally learned is non-negotiable. Come back and deal with more pointless bullshit, putting out fires that shouldn't have been mine to begin with, then I leave for home, Stop by the supermarket, grab something for dinner, come home cook, collapse on either the computer chair or the couch and try to distract

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