The Dirtiest, Funniest or Most Inappropriate Jokes You Know
Political Correctness be Damned!
(and if you're going to be incredibly racist, at least be REALLY funny!)
Q: How Do you know when your sister is having her period?
A: You can taste it on your father's dick.
FRANK: "Did you know that 2 out of every 3 people live next to a pedophile"?
JOE: "Not me, I live next to two smoking hot 10 year olds"
Why doesn't Mexico doesn't have an Olympic team?
Because anyone who can run, jump or swim is already across the border
What's it like to be 17 years old?
Start this thread from the top.
What's the best part of having sex with a 10 year old girl?
Flip her over and she's a 10 year old boy!
A black third grader goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, I have the biggest dick in the third grade. Is that because I'm black?"
"No, Leroy" she responds, "it's because you're nineteen!"
I used to tell a joke about Jonestown.
But the punch line was too long.
I used to be in to S&M, bestiality and necrophilia.
But then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.
What do most Tennessee dads hear in the middle of the night? "Git offa' my hair, Pa, yur crushin' my Marlboros!!!"
Did you hear about the third grader? He was talking to his dad after school one day. Dad, he said, how come of all the boys in my third grade class, how cums I have the biggest peter?
Son.......said his father.......that's cuz you are 19.
What do you call a black tie salesman?
What do you call a black apartment complex?
R10 meet R6.
What do you call a gay Irishman? A gaelic
What do you call a gay Jew? A Heblew
Why did the Black guy wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy operation?
"Because if you wants to be impotent, you gots to look impotent!"
A guy takes his wife to the GP. After examining her the GP says your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's.
The man asked how he could find out. Well, responds the GP, put her in the car, drive her out into the woods about 4 or 5 miles from your home, drop her off and if she finds her way back don't fuck her.
A handsome man is drowning his sorrows at a local pub. Several women try to comfort him.
"What's wrong?" one asks.
"I’m depressed!” he sighs. “The wife and I are having troubles."
"Sex. I like kink. She’s very traditional".
"Well,” another woman says, “if you want kink, talk to the blonde at the other end of the bar. She's kinky. She'll make you feel better."
\tHe walks over to meet the blonde. They have a couple of drinks, she invites him home. When they arrive, she excuses herself to change into something appropriate. She goes to bedroom, and puts on leather panties, gets whips, chains, tit clamps, etc. All geared up, she goes out to living room, where she sees that the man he has put overcoat on and is leaving.....
"Hey, what's the matter?” she asks. “I thought we were going to have a scene?"
"Hey lady, I shit in your purse; I fucked your dog; I'm outta here."
Bunch of gay guys are sitting in a hot tub when a huge blob of semen rises to the surface.
"Okay," asks one, "Who farted?"
Blanceh Knott's Truly Tasteless Jokes
Why can't black women become nuns?
They can't train themselves to say "Superior" after "Mother."
Gay guy is out taking his first golf lesson. The pro shows him how to place his feet, how to hold the club, and how to swing. Then he puts a ball down and tells the gay guy to hit it.
It goes about 30 feet and hooks.
"Not a bad first try, but let's give it another shot"
Second time it goes about 25 feet and slices.
"I think I see your problem" says the Pro. "You're not comfortable with the club. Don't hold the club like it's something foreign to you. Pretend it's a penis, and hold it like that."
This time that ball goes sailing 300 yards straight down the fairway and lands about 5 feet from the hole.
"Well, that was very impressive, but why don't you take the club out of your mouth and let's try it again . . ."
In Texas they tell Aggie jokes. Do you know why when Aggies make love the woman is always on top? They are used to screwing up.
Why at Aggie homecoming does the homecoming queen sit on top of the flagpole? To keep the flies away from the crowd.
"Mom, I hate daddy's guts."
"Shut up and eat!"
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it, two to organize the potluck and one to write a folk song about the empowering experience
Why don't Puerto Ricans use checking accounts?
Too hard to spray their name on that little line.
Q: What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like?
Q: How do you know if an Chinaman robbed your house?
A: Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later the little f**ker is still trying to back out of your driveway.
Q: Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?
A: Everybody won.
Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Chinese beauty contest?
A: Me neither.
Not the dirtiest, funniest or most inappropriate joke. It is probably the longest light bulb joke, however.
Man walks into his wife's room with a sheep under his arm. "This is the pig I'm forced to sleep with when you say you have a headache."
Wife says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
Husband says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
What's the difference between a washing machine and an 17 year old?
I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me around for 3 months saying it loves me.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A man in a van stops little Johnny walking down street and says, "Hey little boy, I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van".
Little Johnny says, " How about you give me the whole bag and I'll come on your face!"
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fucking Goofy."
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's an obscure number, I'm sure you've never heard of it.
R29 Liz Lemon tells a better version on 30 Rock:
"What's the difference between a washing machine and your mom?
When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around for nine months."
Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're at least 13.
Q: What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbian's apartment?
A mincing prisspot walks into a biker hangout and sashays boldly to the bar to order a drink. One of the regulars yells, "Hey faggot, where's yer pearls?"
Without missing a beat, the queen retorts, "[italic]Pearls?[/italic] With [italic]corduroy[/italic]? Are you [bold]MAD[/bold]???
Variation on R22:
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: [bold]THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!![/bold]
We must be in Primetime is we only have 36 posts.
in case you missed this...cute
The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture.
According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebronics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Professor Shulman explains,
'In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.
Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?'
Shulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or scepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with 'sh' or 'shm' at the beginning: 'Mountains, shmountains. Stay away!! You want a nosebleed?'
Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: 'It's beautiful, that dress.'
Shulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as 'He's slow as a turtle,' could be: 'Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks.'
Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, 'Switched-On Hebronics':
Question: 'What time is it?'
English answer: 'Sorry, I don't know.'
Hebronic response: 'What am I, a clock?'
Remark: 'I hope things turn out okay.'
English answer: 'Thanks.'
Hebronic response: 'I should be so lucky!'
Remark: 'Hurry up. Dinner's ready.'
English answer: 'Be right there.'
Hebronic response: 'Alright already, I'm coming.
What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?'
Remark: 'I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time.'
English answer: 'Glad you like it.'
Hebronic response: 'So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?'
Remark: 'Sarah and I are engaged.'
English answer: 'Congratulations!'
Hebronic response: 'She could stand to lose a few pounds.'
Question: 'Would you like to go horseback riding with us?'
English answer: 'Just say when.'
Hebronic response: 'Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?'
To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
English answer: 'Happy birthday'
Hebronic response: 'A year smarter you should become.'
Remark: 'It's a beautiful day.'
English answer: 'Sure is.'
Hebronic response: 'So the sun is out; what else is new?'
Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: 'It's been a while since you called.'
Hebronic response: 'You didn't wonder if already I'm dead?'
Jim and Bob- two straight men who were best friends and lifelong buddies- were walking in a desert when a poisonous snake jumped out and bit Bob on the head of his dick. Bob crumbled to the ground in agony. Jim said "Don't worry buddy! There's a town 10 miles up...I'll run and get a doctor for you. Hold on buddy!" Jim runs as fast as he can into the town and starts screaming that he has an emergency and needs the local doctor. They tell him the local doctor is in surgery but he can poke his head in and tell him what the problem is. Jim pokes his head into the surgery and says "Doctor! You gotta help my best friend! He got bitten by a poisonous snake and he is out there in the desert right now in agony!" The doctor said "I can't leave surgery but this is what you must do. To save your best friend's life you have to suck the poison out of the snake bite." Jim says "Ok, thanks!" and runs as fast as he can back to Bob, who is writhing in agony on the ground. Bob looks up and says "Jim! Buddy! I knew you wouldn't let me down! What did the doctor say?" Jim looks at Bob and says "He says you're gonna die, man."
I'll be forwarding this thread to my elderly grandfather, he'll think these are hysterical.
Q: What did they call black people on The Flintstones?
Alternate answer: N!ggers
I don't get it, R41.
Q: Why does Popeye's dick never get rusty?
A: He dips it in Olive Oyl.
What's funnier than a dead child?
A dead child in a clown costume.
From the movie Blue Valentine:
So there’s a child molester and a little boy walking into the woods. The child molester and the little boy keep walking further and further, and it’s getting darker and darker, and they’re going deeper and deeper into the woods. And the child molester — the little boy looks up at the child molester and says, ‘Gee, mister. I’m getting scared.’ And the child molester looks down at him and says, ‘You think you’re scared, kid? I have to walk out of here alone.’
and so finally, the penguin goes, "He's not an eggplant, he's retarded!"
R21 another version is . . . . . I hate Daddy's guts.
Mom: well push them to the side of your plate and just eat your vegetables.
Child: "Mommy, Mommy, Daddy's ON FIRE!"
Mother: "Quick, get the marshmallows"
Q: What did Helen Keller name her dog?
Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
A: You would too, if your name was AEEEOUWWUUUHUWUUAAUUUGH.
Q: what do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
A: I don't know either, but it sure can pick lettuce!
I feel sorry for Anne Frank. First she gets her diary published, which is every girl's worst nightmare, but on top of that she doesn't get any money from it, which is every Jew's worst nightmare.
How do you seat three gay guys on a bar stool? Turn it over.
R6 for the win.
how did Hellen Keller burn her face?
She tried to answer the iron
How did she burn the other side?
They called back!
What did Michael Jackson and pimples have in common?
They both came all over your face at age 12.
Said the jewish pedophile, "Hey little boy! Wanna buy some candy?"
Q: Why do Jews have such big noses?
A: Because air is free.
Q: What's a Jewish dilemma?
A: Free ham.
Q: How can you tell when a JAP has an orgasm?
A: She drops her nail file.
Q: What's a JAP's favorite wine?
A: "I wanna go to Miami!"
Q: What's green and smells like ham?
A: Kermit the Frog's finger.
Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A: So she can moan with the other one.
Q: How do you drive Helen Keller insane?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her the bathroom is around the corner.
Q: How can you tell if your frat brother is gay?
A: His dick tastes like shit.
What do Jerry Sandusky and K-Mart have in common?
Little boys pants, half off.
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
Only SOME of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive?
A: Because she's a woman.
What did Michael Jackson and KMart have in common?
Little Boys Underwear! Half Off!
Haha, jinx R62
Q: Why do they rub shit on the walls at a Polack wedding?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.
Did you hear about the Polacks who died while riding in the back of a truck? It went into a river and they drowned trying to get the tailgate open.
Did you hear about the gay Polack? He fucked women!
Q: How can you tell when you're in a Polish neighborhood?
A: All the toilet paper hanging out to dry?
Q: What do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican with a Chinese person?
A: A car thief who can't drive.
Two lawyers are shipwrecked on a desert island. Months go by without seeing another living soul.
Finally, they spot a beautiful mermaid swimming by. The one lawyer says, "Hey let's catch her and fuck her." The second lawyer says, "Out of what?"
R58 Why do JAPs use gold diaphragms?
Because their boyfriends like coming into money.
What's 10 inches long and white?
Two with a similar setup:
I was making out with my girlfriend last night and she said, "Oh, baby, give me eight inches and make it hurt!" So I fucked her twice then I slapped her.
I was making out in the car with my girlfriend last night and she said, "Oh, baby, kiss me where it smells!" So I drove her to New Jersey.
You know what the black kid down the block got for Christmas this year?
There were a group of nuns riding around town on their bicycles making lot of noise -- singing and laughing and making inappropriate sounds. The townspeople complained to the Mother Superior who gathered the nuns for a meeting. "Sisters, if you don't keep the noise level down, we'll have to put the seats back on the bicycles!"
Okay, R71. She said, "I want you to put the hardest thing you've got into the place where I go to the bathroom." So I flushed my bowling bowl down the toilet.
"Too bad Margaret's not here. We could have saved the Bentley."
What do u call a black man in a three piece suit?
What's the Harlem branch of Toys'R'Us called?
We B Toys
This one goes back a ways, so some of you might not get the references.
Bob Packwood (see, I told you), Ted Kennedy and Dan Quayle were in a spelling bee. Dan Quayle actually won, because he was the only one of the three who knew that "harass" was one word.
What kind of wood doesn't float?
What did Princess Di find out on her wedding night?
That all rulers are not 12 inches long.
Hitler was inspecting one of his camps when he meets a little girl.
He asks the girl how old she is and she says, “I’m turning 10 tomorrow.”
"No,you're not!" said Hitler.
r81, that's not funny, and not because it's a Hitler joke. It's stupid.
Q-What's the motto of the Greek Army?
A-Never leave your buddies behind.
Did you hear about Hitler's new microwave?
It seats 400.
Two Jews were sitting in front of a church when they noticed a sign tacked on the entrance that said: We pay $500 if you convert. One of them decided to go in. He came out hours later, and his friend said, "So, did you get the money?" The other replied: "Is that all you people think about?"
why do black men eye's burn during sex
R28, the only (original?) joke I laughed at. I liked the one from the movie "Blue Valentine", too.
My favorite isn't even dirty (LOVE dirty jokes, just can never remember them):
"What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?"
Oh, and does anyone here remember a joke about three men golfing and bragging about their sons? The punchline implies that the third son is gay. Thought it was great... no idea where or when I read it. I have a feeling it was on a joke thread (much better, because few racist jokes and lots of gay jokes, not insulting gay people, though) on here a long time ago.
What do you call a white man in prison?
A child molester.
How do you get justice in the world?
Kill all the white people.
Why are white women such whores?
You need more dick when they're half sized.
What do you call a skinny white girl with nice tits?
A surgical miracle.
How do you get a white man to do an honest day's labor?
Give him a tan.
How can you tell if you're getting screwed buying a used car?
Look at the color of the dealer's skin. If it's paler than beige, you're getting screwed.
What kind of music are white people good at?
The kind no one ever listens to.
What do you call a hundred white people united together under one philosophy?
A Klan meeting.
How long does it take for a white women to take a crap???
What's the difference between a white man and a snake?
One is a evil, cold-blooded, venomous, slimy creature of Satan, and the other is a snake.
How many white men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, white men will screw anything.
What's the flattest surface to iron your jeans on?
A white girl's ***!
A cracker girl came up to her dad who was sitting in a beaten up armchair. "Pa, kin ah borrow the truck to-nahgt?" she asked. Her dad looked up to her and said, "Darlin', yew know what yew haf t'do if'n yew wants to borrer th' truck." "But Pa! Ah haf t'go naow!" the cracker girl cried. Her daddy stood up and unzipped his pants. "Yew know perfectly well what yew haf t'do. On yer knees, *****!" The cracker wench complied and started sucking her dad's ****. After a few seconds she stopped in disgust and looked up to her dad. "Gee Pa, yore **** shore tastes like ****!" Her dad slapped his forhead and said, "Dammit, Ah forgot! Ah already loaned the truck to yer brother just a few minutes ago!"
What do you call a white woman with a yeast infection?
Crackers with cheese.
Why can’t white people jump?
Because inbreeding prohibits it.
Q. How do rednecks celebrate Halloween?
A. They Pump kin.
Q. How do you kill a redneck?
A. cut the brake lines on his house/
Q. how do you circumcise a redneck
A. kick his sister in the mouth
If your father is Jewish and your mother is Jewish, what does that make you?
What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew?
Santa goes DOWN the chimney...
Who was Casper the friendly ghost before he died? I know it wasn't me.
What's the West Virginia definition of a virgin?
A 12-year-old girl who can run faster than her daddy.
Why did the cave man drag the cave woman by the hair?
Because if he dragged her by the legs she'd fill up with dirt.
Helen Keller was on What's My Line.
Announcer: #1, What is your name?
#1: My name is Helen Keller.
#2, What is your name?
#2: My name is Helen Keller.
#3, What is your name?
#3: Uh oh oooh eee ah ah
How did Helen Keller burn her hand?
She tried to read a waffle iron.
Why did Helen Keller have a cast on her hand?
She fell in a well and broke her fingers yelling for help.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
You fuck her.
Why do Jehovah's Witnesses hate Halloween?
The hate the idea of strangers coming onto their front porch and ringing their doorbell.
Q: Why were Helen Keller's fingers purple?
A: She heard it through the grapevine.
Three nuns are in line for confession.
Nun #1: Bless me father for I have sinned. I have touched a male organ.
Preist: Say two Hail Mary's and was your hands in holy water.
Nun #2: Bless me father for I have sinned. I have touched a male organ.
Preist: Say two Hail Mary's and was your hands in holy water.
Nun #3: Bless me father for I have sinned. I have touched a male organ.
Preist: Say two Hail Mary's and was your hands in holy water.
While the three nuns are washing their hands Mother Superior walkd by:
"Excuse me ladies, I have to gargle."
Then the Bishop walks by: "Excuse me , girls, I have to take an enema."
I was in bed with someone last night, he asked "Are you a pedophile?'
I answered "That's an awfully big word for a six year old."
I was walking with a fouyr year old old in the woods.
"It's really scary here" he said.
"You think it's scary now? I'll have to come come back ALONE!"
Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
A: His hand caught on fire
Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well hung.
Q: Two gay guys were having sex, when they both die at the same time. Who goes to heaven first?
A: The one who had his shit packed.
How do you eat a bald pussy?
Pull the diaper aside.
Son: Dad, this boy in school keeps calling me gay.
Dad: Then why don't you just beat him up.
Son: I can't, he's too cute.
Q: What can strike Amanda Bynes without her even knowing it?
A: a thought.
R97 That's "To Tell the Truth," not "What's My Line."
What's the difference between a black woman and a hockey player.
The hockey player changes his pads after three periods.
Q: What's a JAP's definition of natural childbirth?
A: No makeup.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They don't want to be a bother. They'll just sit in the dark. Really, it's OK.
What's the difference between acne and Jerry Sandusky?
Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.
Q: What is the Jewish position on abortion?
A: The fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
A: Nobody cries if you chop up the baby.
Q: What's the difference between a dartboard and a baby?
A: Dartboards don't bleed.
Q: What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
A: One's fun to hit with a sledgehammer. The other one's a watermelon.
Q: What's blue and sits in the corner?
A: A baby in a plastic bag.
Q: What's green and sits in the corner?
A: The same baby three weeks later.
Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: A pile of dead babies.
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: The one at the bottom of the pile is still alive.
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: It has to eat its way to freedom.
Did you hear about that awful plane crash in a Polish cemetery? Investigators counted 5,000 dead!
What do you call 100 lawyers half buried in sand? Not enough sand.
What do you call 100 lawyers completely buried in sand? A start.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a shark? One's a slum sucking, bottom feeding, groveling, anything consuming, poor excuse for a creature, and the other is a fish.
Four men and their wives are at Heaven's gates, waiting to be processed by St. Peter ...
St. Peter tells the first man, "I'm sorry, but I can't let you enter. In life you were a greedy miser. You loved money so much you married a woman named Penny."
To the next man, he says, "I'm sorry, but I can't let you enter either. In life you were a hopeless alcoholic. You loved drinking so much you married a woman named Sherry."
He tells the third man, "I'm sorry, but I can't let you enter either. In life you were a horrible glutton. You loved food so much you married a woman named Candy."
The fourth man blurts out, "Oh, fuck it, Fanny, let's get outta here!"
Because there is so much dirt on this thread, it's time for some redeeming jokes. Is anyone here "a turtle?" This is part of a series of jokes, created in the military, to maintain purity of the mind.
What's long, hard, and is filled with seamen? A submarine.
What goes in hard, pink, and dry, and comes out wet, juicy, and red? Bubble gum.
What comes in a variety of colors, has bristles only at one end, and goes in the mouth? A toothbrush.
Three women went home after a long night of drinking. They met for lunch the next day and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.
The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".
To which the second girl replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"
They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first girl says: "I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
[quote]Three nuns are in line for confession.
Here's how I heard it.
Four nuns were killed in a car accident. At the Pearly Gates, each went up to St. Peter and were asked a question- "Did you have relations with a man?" First nun says, "Yes St. Peter, I have touched a man's penis." St. Peter said, "Wash your hands with holy water and say 10 Hail Marys and you will be welcomed into heaven."
Second Nun says, I too, have touched a man's penis." Peter again says, "Wash your hands with holy water and say 10 Hail Marys and you will be welcomed into heaven."
The other two nuns see how this is going. The 4th nun walks up to St. Peter and says, "Look, if you think I'm going to gargle with that holy water after she washes her ass with it, you're crazy!"
The white people jokes at R89 are just not funny or even amusing - they're just angry.
r122 - Actually, the "white women whores" and the music joke were pretty funny.
The rest are just lame.
An old Southern lady who has lived in the big city for many years has come back home to her small town for a family visit. While sitting on the front porch with her two sisters, she shares tales of the worldly things she has learned over the years ...
"Sister, I must say that things are definitely different in the big city from around here. For example, did you know that there are certain men who enjoy the favors of other men? They are called [italic]homaseckshuls.[/italic]"
"Scandalous, Sister, just [italic]scandalous[/italic]!"
"And there are certain women who enjoy the favors of other women. They are called [italic]lesbians.[/italic]"
"Oh, my goodness gracious!"
"Finally—and you may find this too much to bear—there are also certain [italic]young[/italic] men who enjoy the favors of [italic]much[/italic] older women."
"Well, heavens, Sister! What are [italic]they[/italic] called?"
"When I catch my breath, I call them 'Precious'!"
Why do they call camels "The Ship of the Desert"?
Because they're filled with Arab seamen.
What's the difference between a rooster and a whore?
A rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-doo," and a whore says "Any-cock'll-do."
Black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Where did you get that?"
Parrot squawks: "Africa."
Father walks into his kid's room and says: "Son, don't do that . . . you'll go blind!"
Kid says: "Dad, I'm over here."
From Anthony Jesilnek:
Former BACHELOR contestant Gia Allemand died last week after she committed suicide by hanging. I'm shocked. Finally one of those dumb bitches learned how to tie the knot.
Thank you, R101, a Helen Keller joke that I hadn't heard a million times since I was, like, FIVE!
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
R122, I can't fucking believe you typed that. I can't believe of all the jokes on this thread, you singled out the ones you did.
Seriously, you think the white jokes are angry and not funny?
But the Holocaust jokes and the black jokes on here, those you thought were witty and clever? The Helen Keller jokes from 30 years ago, repeated by people too stupid to read the thread before they contributed, those are fun? The AIDS jokes, those were amusing, but the anti-white jokes were 'just angry and not funny'?
You need help, but you're too fucked up to be helped.
I hope like fuck most of the posters on this thread are straight, but I no longer believe they are.
R132, the reason most of the white jokes weren't funny is because they weren't reay jokes. They were just angry statements that didn't even follow the normal format of a punchline. Even if the subject matter weren't offensive, they would still be unfunny. Only a couple were actual jokes.
A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's so tight I can barely take it."
She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier."
He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier.
"Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?"
"Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the scabs..."
It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife is at the hospital in labor having their first child.
He rushes to the hospital, and goes to his wife's side. She has already had the child. He goes to the nursery to see the baby.
He spots the name on a crib and motions to the nurse. She points at the crib and Joe says, "Yes, he's my son."
The nurse picks up the baby and drops it on the floor.
Joe is aghast. The nurse says, "Don't worry." She picks up the baby and slaps it hard across the face several times. Joe turns white in horror as she throws the baby across the nursery. Joe is about to faint as she holds the baby by it's testicles and swings it around her head.
Joe screams, "Stop you're kiling my baby!!!!"
The nurse responds, "April Fools... It was born dead..."
Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground.
The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl."
The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!"
The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about.
The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says:
"Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my church!"
Q: What's the worst part about having sex with a 9-year-old?
A: Cleaning the blood off your clown suit.
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.
Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've F***ing suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.
I'll go across the road and get me mate Wayne to help."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way, we can't do it," Wayne said, "so let's try Plan B."
"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"
"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Wayne.
"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?"
Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we
can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive..."
A cop pulls over Werner Heisenberg and says, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg responds, “NO, but I know EXACTLY where I am.”
A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy? " The guy says, "I'm from Iowa. " The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa? " The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist. " The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist? " The guy says, "I mount animals. " The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
Two freshman students see the following bulletin posted on the wall of their lecture hall:
Crash Course in Logical Assumptions
Saturday, September 26, All Day
Neither of them knows what it means and they are both curious. The pair decide to find the professor and ask some questions. When they locate the professor's office, the bolder of the two enter the building while the other remains outside.
Student: "Uh...Sir..What does Crash Course in Logical Assumptions mean?"
Professor: "Well, it involves taking information that you have, forming assumptions using logic, and then creating new information. Let me try to answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
Student: "Uh...Yes, I do."
Professor: "Well, then I can now logically assume that you drive."
Student: "Yes, I drive. "
Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you drive on weekends."
Student: "Yeah, I drive on weekends, I go out on dates."
Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you have date partners."
Student: "Well, yes, I have a girlfriend."
Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
Student: "Uh...hell yes! OK, I think I understand what this course is about now. Thanks a lot for your time."
Once back outside, his friend asks him: "So, what's it all about?"
"Its about using information and stuff...Let me answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
"Uh...Then you're homosexual, dude!"
A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends five seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
His answer to the question: "What chair?"
How many philosophers does it take to change a light ?
Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.
How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it isn't dark; the other stands at the other end and says that true light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis which does the job.
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.
How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to observe how the lightbulb symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of Cosmic Nothingness.
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on how you define 'change'.
How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two--one to bemoan the darkness until the other redefines something else as light.
How many Classic Idealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one--he prays, God turns his head to pay attention, the light bulb moves!
How many Analytic Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
None-its a pseudo-problem...light bulbs give off light (hence the name)...if the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it?
How many Reformed epistemologists does it take to change a light bulb?
1.37--and that needs no explanation because it is a properly basic belief.
How many monists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be silly, there is only ONE monist...
How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian revolution!
How many Kantians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two to change the phenomenal bulb; and one to explain that we might not have actually changed the bulb at all.
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one (to aim the x-ray machine) but the bulb changes very, very slowly
How many skeptics does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually, they won't do it--they aren't sure they're really in the dark.
How many fallibilists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but I COULD be wrong about that.
How many Epicureans does it take to change a light bulb?
None-they're too busy taking advantage of the darkness!
How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb?
None-the bulb is just at one dialectical pole between 'bright' and 'dark'--it will eventually synthesize these into at least some dim glow for us...
How many Cartesians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--unfortunately, when the bulb blew out, they were all so shocked that they stopped thinking for that brief moment--and 'poof', they all just blinked out of existence.
How many decision theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
If online bullying has taught us anything.
It's that some people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight.\t
A guy goes to the bar and says to his friend "It must be my lucky day. You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, carried her into the woods then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.
His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"
The first guy says "No, I couldn't find her head"
How do you get 100 dead babies out of a truck?
1)what's the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage?
you cant eat a train carriage
2)what's the difference between dead hookers and onions?
i cry when i cut up onions
3)when do you know when a dates going bad?
when you spike your own drink with
4) what do you call a cow masturbating?
beef strokin' off
5) what's black and blue and scared of me?
the 8 year old in my closet
Tommy asks his friend: "So what did you get for Christmas?"
His friends replies: "I got a bike, a go kart, a quadbike, an xbox 360 with 30 games, a PlayStation 3 with 30 games, an electric guitar, a drum kit, a new PC, a laptop, a surround sound entertainment centre, a new watch, loads of clothes, loads of sweets, a holiday around the world, and loads more!"
To which Tommy replies: "Aww, I wish I had Leukemia"
I met a girl last week who said she wanted to be treated like a princess, so I put her in the back of a mercedes and got my drunk cousin to run it into a tunnel wall.
What do you do if you see a Mexican running at you with half a head?
Stop laughing and reload (no racist, this joke works with any ethnicity)
What did the little blind deaf and dumb boy get for christmas?
whats good about fucking thirty five year olds
there's thirty of them
What's got 20 legs and makes women scream?
How do you get a leper out of a bath?
With a sieve.
What do you do if an epeliptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your dirty laundry in.
Abortion: It really brings out the child in you.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
Harry and his boyfriend Kevin are having hard financial times, so they decide Kevin become a whore
He's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.
He's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"
"A hundred dollars."
"Damn. All I've got is thirty."
"Hold on," he says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
"A handjob," Harry replies.
He runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.
He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
He runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
R152, you were getting your genders confused.
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. "The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’ "There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"
Getting offended by this thread, when its intent is clearly there in the title, is stupid.
[quote][R28], the only (original?) joke I laughed at.
R88, what on earth would make you think ANY of these stale old jokes are original?
I'm LOL'ing at you more than any of these lame jokes.
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
Q: How do you get ten babies in a bucket?
A: With a blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: With tortilla chips!
I heard it as, " You do and that dog will BITE Y-O-U-U-U-U-u-u-u-u .... !!!"
WTF is "dirty, funny or inappropriate" about R143 and R144?
Clutch those pearls, R132. CLUTCH THEM!
Q: What's black, white, and red all over?
A: A nun on a heavy flow day.
Q: What do you call an Irish girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Q: What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Q: What's hairy and sticks out of a man's pajamas?
A: His head.
A rancher was driving around his property with his girlfriend. They come across a bull mounting a cow. The rancher says, "Gee, I sure wish I was doing that right now." His girlfriend replies, "Go right ahead, it's your cow."
"Hey, Barrabas! I can see your house from here!"
Q: What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a cup of hot water. The bartender is puzzled, gets the hot water, and gives it to him but says "I have to ask, don't vampires drink blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm having tea!"
A little boy is having a bath with his father and notices the difference in sizes of their penises. The boy asks his father "Daddy, why is mine different from yours?" He replies "Well first of all son, mine is erect."
What's the number one cause of pedophilia?
How do you get a bunch of Mexicans together in one place quickly? Drop a penny.
What do you do after you rape Helen Keller?
Break her hands so she can't tell anyone.
How was copper wire invented?
Two Jews fighting over a penny.
From The Harvard Lampoon:
How can you tell when you're in a WASP neighborhood?
The homes are very large and the lawns are well-cared for.
Why do WASPs have such large balls?
Because they find it difficult to hold small intimate gatherings without slighting family, friends or business acquaintances.
How did the first WASPs come to America?
On the Mayflower.
How do you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
She's the one in the white gown standing next to the groom.
What do WASPs put on their front lawns?
How many pallbearers are there at a WASP funeral?
Six, although there may be more so-called honorary pallbearers.
Why did the WASP throw his alarm clock out the window?
As a histrionic gesture demonstrating his dissatisfaction with the regimentation of his life.
What's the difference between a fag and a refrigerator?
Refrigerators don't fart when you put the meat in.
Five fags are sitting in a hot tub. All of a sudden a wad of bubbling jizz floats up to the surface. The five fags all look at each other. One says: Okay, who farted
How many fags does it take to keep a fire burning?
All of them
How do you make a fag scream twice?
Fuck him hard, then go wipe your dick off on his curtains.
how do you know if a guy is gay?
WHen you're fucking him in the ass, reach around and see if he has a hard-on, FAG!
Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
More traction in the mud!
What did one gay sperm say to the other?
"How are we supposed to find the egg in all this shit?"
A guy walks up to another guy in a bar and asks "mind if I push your stool in?"
How do you fit four fags on a barstool?
Turn it upside down.
How do you know you're at a gay picnic?
All the hot dogs taste like shit!
After a night of fag sex,gay Bob wakes up for work,goes into the kitchen only to find his "boyfriend" jerking off into a ziplock bag.
"What are you doing?" gay Bob asks.
"Packing your lunch" says the boyfriend.
why dont gays work at sperm banks?
they always get fired for drinking on the job!
Who would win a race across the country between 2 fags and 2 lesbians?
The lesbians. The fags would still be at home packing their shit...
What do rabbis do with leftover circumcisions?
They sell them to fags for chewing gum.
What is the first sign of AIDS?
Sharp pounding sensation in your ass.
Q:What's the worst thing about being a pedophile?
A:Getting the blood out of the clown suit!
Q: What do you call two lesbians in the closet?
A: "Licker Cabinet"
A Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar. The Muslim goes, "Hey! Celine Dion! Why the long face?"
I'll be here all week people.
Q: Why is time so much faster in Italy?
A: Every time you turn around a Dego's by.
Picture it: WWII: The Italian army kept losing and losing until one day the General figured out that the enemy could smell them. He said, “Listen up, men! It’s time we changed our underwear! Luigi, you change with Giancarlo! Masimo, you change with Liberato….”
What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
Ans. #1 A pizza has more dough.
Ans #2 A pizza doesn't scream when you shove it in the oven.
A plane was flying over the pacific ocean when it crashed on a very small remote island. The six men on the plane got out and being gentlemen they helped the only woman on the plane get out. After a few days on the island, the men were getting horny. They got together and decided each man would have one night of sex with the woman and let her have a rest on the seventh day. This went on pretty good for first week, the second week things begin going down, by the third week things with the woman was almost impossible. These men decided to have a meeting to see what could be done about the situation with the woman. About an hour into the meeting, they decided it was about time to bury her.
what is six inches long with a head on it and all women love it? A dollar bill.
What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down, and dog does on three legs? Shakes hands
What is about six inches long and has two nuts? A Pete Paul Almond Joy.
What do gay men call hemorrhoids?
Q: Why didn't JFK, Jr. take a shower before he left for the Vineyard?
A: He said he'd wash up on shore!
Q: What was John Jr.'s favorite movie?
Q: What was John Jr. drinking the minute before he died?
A: Ocean Spray!
What do you call four gay men named Bob?
How do you make Martha Stewart scream twice?
Fuck her up the ass then wipe your dick on the curtains.
Dis you hear about the hot chick who went on a weekend fishing trip with six men?
She came back with a big red snapper.
What's the worst thing about fucking a 9 year old?
Getting blood on your clown suit.
What's the best thing?
Watching them break down on the witness stand!
What's the worst thing about fucking a 7 year old?
The crack of the pelvis!
This man was so devoted to his sick wife that he decided he would not have sex until she past away. After ten long year of agony, this poor soul passed on. About a month after her death, the man decided it was time to have sex. He went to a local whore house and asked the owner of the house how much it would cost to have sex with one of her young ladies. She told him it would cost $125.00 because she had the best girls in the state working for her. After his wife's sickness the man had little money. He told the owner about his wife's sickness, his faithfulness to her, and how all of his money was spent to keep her happy and well taken care in her long horrible sickness. He told the owner that he only had $25.00 and that was all. The owner thought for a moment and told him to wait a moment she may have the girl to help him. About five minutes later the owner came back into the room and told him Sandpaper Sue would be more than willing to help him. He went into the room and got naked in bed and inserted his dick in her twat. It had been over ten years since he had last had sex and this felt nothing like he remembered. He told her that he did not remember it feeling like this and in fact it felt like he stuck his dick into a bag of sandpaper. She told him to wait a moment and she could fix the problem. She went into the bathroom and came back within minutes and said she was ready to satisfy him. He put his dick in and it felt so good. He asked what did she do to make it feel this way. Her response was, "Oh I just went in and picked the scabs and let the puss run".
What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
R171 / R172 = closet case
Q: What's the last thing you want to hear when blowing Willie Nelson?
A: I'm not Willie Nelson.
"Loose shoes, tight pussy and a warm place to piss."
A man calls to his wife from the bedroom, "come in here and look at this clock". The wife walks in and sees the husband lying on the bed naked with an erection. "That's not a clock" she said. "It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!"
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a small child?
Eric Clapton wouldnt let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.
Dad walks into his son's room. "Son, don't do that, you'll go blind."
Kid says "Dad, I'm over here!"
Q: What did the gay leper say to the gay prostitute?
A: Keep the tip.
[R196] That's Senator Barfy Frank, for all you BoysTown whores.
Why do they call it a star test because it's
A porn star test
Couple overheard in restaurant:
"I'll pay for it."
"No, I'll pay for it."
"No, I'll pay for it."
"Oh, OK, you might as well pay for it. You'll be eating it later anyway."
Man is walking a little boy deep into a dark forest.
Boy: This is scary.
Man: You think this is scary. I've got to find my out of here by myself.
How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY, MAN! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!
Thank you for these jokes! Will someone start another thread like "Do the Math" - for instance:
Rush + Genesis = Yes
Britney - Christina = Ke$ha
Not really a joke, but an anecdote. When I was a student I worked in a nursing home for alzheimer patients. One day this old man comes up to me and starts talking about something that happened in his youth.
One day he was walking along a country road, when a girl started walking next to him and proceeded to chat him up; a while later they were having sex in the fields. Afterwards, he asked her if she did this sort of thing often. Her reply: "only with my dad."
A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have 'green thumbs' when their thumbs aren't really green?"
The dad replies, "It's just a saying,son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught ‘red-handed’, even though their hands are actually black."
What do you call a naked blonde doing a handstand?
A brunette with bad breath.
Classic with a twist...tell together
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get to the other side.
Q. Why did the pervert cross the road?
A. His dick was stuck in the chicken.
Q: How do black mothers keep their kids from jumping on the bed?
A: Put Velcro on the ceiling.
Q: Why don't black mothers let their kids play in the sand box?
A: Because the cats keep covering them up.
Q: Why did they have to move Raggedy Ann out of the toy department?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and yelling lie to me bastard LIE.
Q: How many hands did Helen Keller use to masturbate?
A: One to masturbate and one to moan.
Why don't Puerto Ricans have kids with Blacks?
They're afraid they'll be too lazy to steal.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a M&M?
A: A cock that melts in your mouth.
Q: What do you call a herd of masturbating cows?
A: Beef Strokenoff.
Q: What is the difference between Star Trek and your anus?
A: There isn't, they both circle Uranus looking for Klingons
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: So they know that Toes Go In First.
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with vinegar and honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
R211, your anus circles your anus?
r211, it should be 'toilet paper'...
Q Why are there no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A They're not going to work in the future either.
Q Why did God give black men big dicks?
A To make up for what he did to their hair.
Q Why is there no Polish Olympic water skiing team?
A They couldn't find a lake on the side of a mountain.
Q What do you buy a dead baby for Christmas?
A A dead puppy
Q How do you make a dead baby float?
A Two scoops of ice cream, root beer & your favorite dead baby
Q What's black & white & red all over?
A A nun with a spear through her head
Q What's black & white and black & white and black & white and black & white?
A A nun caught in a revolving door.
R185's joke is better like this:
Q: How do you make Aaron "Cockgobbler" Schock scream twice?
A: Give him a good ass-pounding on top of his "Downton Abbey" desk, and then wipe your cock off on his "Downton Abbey" curtains.
And now for something completely different:
The priest, the minister, the rabbi, the Polish guy, the black guy, the gay guy, Helen Keller, the dumb blonde, the talking dog, and the duck all walk into the bar at the same time.
And the bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"
What's the difference between batman and a black man?
Batman can go out at night without robbin.
A doctor, a Wall Street banker, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The banker stuttered a bit but then loudly proclaimed, "I'm an entreprenuer, the entire economy depends on the judgment and skills of people like me. Without us no one else has a chance. We are the Atlas holding up the world."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Don't worry, Father. Atlas just jumped out with my back pack."
r131 you're confusing oven with shower.
Jokes about feminine hygiene are inappropriate.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in KENTUCKY when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive...
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... ..'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
Jesus was hanging on the cross and calling out for John.
John tried to fight his way past the guards, and after each attempt Jesus cried out for him.
Battered and bruised, on the 5th attempt John finally made it to the base of the cross.
And Jesus said "John, I can see your house from here".
You are all a bunch of racist fucking shits.
What were Christa McAuliffe's last words?
"What does this button do?"
What does NASA stand for?
Now Accepting Seven Applications
This American woman was getting well into her prime and wanted to get married soon, and she promised her religious parents she would marry a male virgin. Finding one was difficult so she advertised world-wide for a man that has never had sex with a woman. She findly got a reply from a guy who lived in the outback in Austrailia. She liked what she heard and invited him to the USA to marry. Upon meeting in person, they decided to marry quickly and made honeymoon plans at the hotel in the city. On the wedding night at the hotel, and not having prior sex, she told her new hubby that she was going into the bathroom and change into her nightime attire, and for him to get prepared in the bedroom area. After a half hour, the new bride emerged from the bathroom and was shocked to see the room furniture, including the bed, and luggage all stacked upright against the room walls. Dismayed, she asked her new hubby "why did you move everything in the room against the walls?"
Puzzled by her question, the new hubby replied: "If it is anything like fucking a kangaroo, we'll need the space".
r119: Am I a turtle?
You bet your sweet ass I am!
Remembering this oldie was inspired by the inane "special products for gays" thread a few weeks back:
What do you do with leftover foreskins?
Make chewing gum for queers.
Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says: “I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.”
The second guy says: “Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”
The third guy says: “Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend.”
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to rest room returned and asked: “What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”
The fourth man replied: “My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”
The three friends said: “What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.”
The fourth man replied: “No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?”
My elderly neighbour tells me this one over and over again.
Paddy and his friend go to the vatican for an audience with the pope, but they can't get close to the front. Paddy sees the pope beckon to a black man in the crowd then lean in and talk to him. Paddy tells his friend "tomorrow I'm going to meet the pope!"
The next day Paddy shows up in black-face. The pope beckons him over, takes his hand, leans in closely and says in a whisper ...
"You come back here again and I'll kill you, you black bastard!"
Oh, dear? Oh, MY, is more like it.
Keep 'em coming, sickos!
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench. One old lady asks the other:
You still get horny?
The other old lady responds: Sure!
Well, what do you do about it?
I suck on a lifesaver.
The first old lady thinks for a moment and then asks:
Who drives you to the beach?
This young guy met this old granny lady one day and they decided that they would have sex. They get their clothes off and get in bed together. He starts kissing her and then slowly starts sucking on her nipples. All of a sudden this warm liquid is squirting in his mouth, he stops and says you can still make breast milk? She laughs and say no sonny! that's my cancer!
What's red and climbs up a womans leg?
A homesick abortion
What do you call a cow that had an abortion?
I'm not gay. Wanna know how I can tell? . . .
I'm allergic to nuts.
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said "Esther, I´m 85 years old. If I don´t ride that helicopter, I might never
get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
"I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won´t charge you! But if you say one word, it´s 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I´m
Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
A woman gives birth to a baby, and a short while afterwards, the doctor comes to her room looking very serious and says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits bolt upright in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? Tell me what's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your child is a little bit different, it is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...most important features... of both a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis AND a brain?"
A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a pocket mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the ranch main room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun go down on me."
She thinks a bit and then responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1 you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I’m J3wish."
The nun says, "That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."
Oprah was having some medical issues that were beyond the scope of her GP, so he referred her to a specialist. She went to her appointment, and was shown into a large room at this doctor's office. It was unusual in that it was more like the doctor's private office, with a desk and bookcases, instead of the normally austere examination room. Nevertheless, she complied when the nurse who showed her in asked her to completely disrobe and put on a paper gown.
Soon, the doctor came in, introduced himself, asked her a few medical questions, then asked her to stand and remove the paper gown.
The doctor tells her "please go over to that wall and lie in the floor under that window", and Oprah complies, although she thinks it to be a strange request, because this doctor had an impeccable reputation. The doctor made some notes in the file. "Now come and lie over here along this wall to the right of the bookcase", he said; Oprah did, and he made some more notes. "Lastly, come here to the middle of the room, and lie in the floor, parallel to and facing my desk, but about five feet away from it". Oprah does. The doctor shakes his head, scratches his brow, and makes more notes in the file. He tells Oprah she may get dressed.
While she dressed, the doctor sat at his desk and continued to look at the file and make notes, but he said nothing to Oprah. When she finished dressing, and the doctor had still said nothing, she was getting a little worried about what might be wrong with her. She finally asks "doctor, what have you been able to conclude might be causing all my symptoms? Have you figured out what's wrong with me?" The doctor replied "uh, no - I have no idea what's wrong with you", and went back to making notes.
So now Oprah was pissed off. "Listen, doctor", she said, "you came highly recommended by your patients and other doctors - you're the best in your field - so I didn't question your method of having my lie naked around your room. Why did you have me perform such an unusual examination, only to not be able to tell me anything?"
The doctor put down his pen, tilted his head up slightly from the file, and looked at Oprah over the top of his glasses. "Uh, there's nothing unusual about it", he said. "I'm thinking about getting a new brown leather sofa for this office, and I'm just trying to figure out where in the room it would look best!"
Did you read Helen Keller's book about her travels? They're adapting it for the screen, too. It's called "Around the Block in Eighty Days".
What's the difference between a wife and a job?
A job still sucks after ten years.
A blonde was driving erratically, swerving from One lane to the next, running cars off the road, and even sending pedestrians scrambling from the sidewalks. At last, an officer was finally able to get her to pull over. At the driver's window, he angrily asks her what is wrong with her that she was driving in such a manner - had she been drinking, was she on drugs, etc.
The blonde says to him that it's her boyfriend's car, and she's not drunk, and isn't on drugs.
"So why all the crazy driving?", he asks her.
"Well, officer, everywhere I steered the car, there was a tree in the road right in front of me. When I swerved to miss it, there was another. And when I swerved to miss that one, there was another one. It was like they were all over the place and I had to keep swerving so I wouldn't hit them. I just don't know where they came from, because I drive this road every day in my car and I've never noticed these trees in the road before!"
The officer reached through the window and jerked the air freshener off the rear-view mirror.
Two blondes are walking through the forest when they come to a clearing with a set of tracks. Standing in the tracks, Blonde #1 says "I think these are bear tracks", to which Blonde #2 retorted "No, these are deer tracks". They went back and forth at each other - bear tracks, deer tracks, bear tracks, deer tracks - and were so caught up in their argument they didn't notice when the train came along and killed them both.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They'd put her in a round room and tell her to go to the corner.
Why did Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?
So she could sing with the other one.
Why do farts smell?
So the deaf can enjoy them too.
Why is Helen Keller's leg yellow?
Because her dog's blind too.
How did Helen Keller drive? One hand on the wheel and one on the road.
How did her parents punish her when she REALLY misbehaved? They'd leave the plunger in the toilet.
This is the very first dirty joke I ever heard, back in the 1950s when a was little kid. Posted as a historical curiosity; we thought this was FILTHY.
The Lone Ranger and Annie Oakley rode into town at the same time and hitched their horses next to each other. The Lone Ranger took off his shirt, pointed to his nipples and said "These are my stars."
Annie Oakley took of her shirt, pointed to her breasts and said "These are my mountains."
The Lone Ranger took off his pants, pointed to his cock and said "This is Silver, my stallion."
Annie Oakley took off her pants and said "This is my valley."
That night, the stars hung over the mountains as Silver rode into the valley.
What is the worst thing about being a black J3w?
Having to sit in the back of the oven.
I know one that Is so racist and so funny it would crack your iPad screen. Sadly, I can not bring myself to tell it.
Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she could moan with the other.
How do you get a fag to fuck a woman?
Smear shit on her pussy.