A guy that I have been in a relationship for a little over a year dumped me last night. He said that he had little feelings for me and it would be best if we broke up. He said that he had had very little feelings for me during the whole years but now he has decided that he doesn't want to try to love me any more, because I cannot be loved.
I'm devastated and heartbroken. I can't breathe. I loved him so much, so much and he has been the best thing to me during that whole year. I was a very good boyfriend to him, not demanding him to be what he's not, allowing him all the space he wanted, treated him with respect and love, I gave him everything because I really loved him and I was so happy for having me in my life.
I knew he didn't love me but I always thought he had feelings for me, why else would he want to spend that year with me, every weekend together, sometimes after work as well.
I gave him all the sex he wanted, but he didn't want sex much. And now I realize it was because he didn't really care for me at all. Wasn't interested.
I'm crying as I post this. I'm shattered and so heartbroken I can see no sun any more. Only darkness.
What do I do? How do I get over this?
I'm 43 and I'm convinced I will never again find someone. Especially someone who could love me.
Help me, please.
So sorry about the forgotten words and typing mistakes. I can't see much because I'm crying.
Sorry to hear that.
It's hard right now but don't believe the lie that you won't find someone else. There's always someone else and frankly, it sounds like you dodged a bullet. I know that's no help right now, but eventually you'll find comfort in knowing that.
*hugs* OP. Other people will come on here to give you plenty of advice, but I will just say that it sounds like you are better off without him (although I do know it does not feel like that now, and may not for a while).
If he really said you "cannot be loved" then he's a cunt of the highest order, and has some serious issues that you have either been blind to, or just didn't want to see. It's beyond cruel and asshole-ish to say something like that to someone you are breaking up with - completely unforgiveable. You're already doing enough damage with the dumping; no need to twist the knife by leaving them with that kind of comment, which they might always remember and be affected by going forward.
It's also patently nonsense. Such cruelty says far more about him than it does about you. As I said, you are better off, and one day you'll realise this.
Get out of your head, meet new people, go different places, volunteer for things you believe in. You are too old to feel sorry for yourself, go to grief counseling AND MOVE ON!
I know it's hard, OP, but you have to pick up and move on - but first take the time to find out what this says about you and the guys you are attracting. He sounds like kind of a douche, but the important thing is not him - it's you. It sounds like you have been alone in this relationship for quite a long time - ask yourself why you didn't realize this until now. There's someone out there.
OP, this is a pretty simple statement but it's something you should try to keep in mind: This man not loving doesn't mean that no one will love you.
As my Daddy always said, "You were looking for a guy when you found this one..."
There WILL be someone, of course there will. This is just grief, and if you give it 8 weeks without contacting him, 8 solid weeks, mark it on a calendar, and then re-evaluate on the last day of the 8 weeks, you'll see how far you've come. R4 is right...cry for no more than 48 hours, then splash water on your face and get out there...counseling is a great idea too. Some people have what is called "complicated grief"...that might be going on here, or some kind of abandonment depression. You'll be fine.
Dolly Parton said this: A broken heart ain't gonna kill you. And she was right, OP...youll get through it, we've all been there and we're all still alive.
I happen to be a bitter old shrew but, what the hell, I'm alive, right?!!
OP in the long run he did you a favor. And it says more about him than you.
He KNEW you had feelings for him, while he KNEW he had no feelings for you.
It says a lot for a guy who strings someone along and just uses them for their own benefit.
You deserve a lot more than this guy.
There is someone out there for you, and you will find it.
Stay strong, chin up.
[quote]As my Daddy always said, "You were looking for a guy when you found this one..."
Was Daddy in his dotage? What did that MEAN?
OP this guy not loving you back yet staying in a relationship with minimal sex for over a year says a lot more about his issues. The best way to get over a guy is to get under (or on top of) another one. Go have some fun!
Op, it feels shitty but - better one year than five or ten.
I'm joining the chorus of voices telling you it's him, not you. Can you treat yourself to something nice? Take a month and like other people said, no contact, but also be just very selfish and kind to yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you loved who was in a lot of pain and grief who needed your love and care.
Then when you feel better, because you will, go out and get laid.
And STAY AWAY from his Facebook page
You will only be picking at a wound.
R9 if you can't figure out what that meant, you're in YOUR dotage.
I'm very sorry you're going through this, OP. I can relate, although the circumstances were a bit different. Please remember that life does get better. I really like what R11 said:
[quote]Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you loved who was in a lot of pain and grief who needed your love and care.
Be your own best friend.
You might also seek out a good therapist, just to have a sympathetic ear to get you through this rough spot.
He should have done it months ago....since it was pretty clear it was a very off balance relationship going on....he lead you on way too long....be glad he finally ripped the bandaid off so you can recover and find a guy who loves you back! ( unless you go for the wrong ones all the time....not uncommon)
Daddy was the one constantly repeating himself.
[quote]As my Daddy always said, "You were looking for a guy when you found this one...
Was this Daddy Big Boots?
So sorry, honey. Be good to yourself and give it time. You will get through this.
OP, sorry to hear of this but may I suggest therapy? Only because you have great material to work on now as this has obviously triggered all kinds of emotional and behavioural responses in you - you could gain so much by working on this and have an even more productive future.
For the moment remember just because he said it, doesn't mean it's true. It's just how he copes with things. I'm sure you're a great boyfriend, you just need to learn about taking care of yourself and your own needs. He doesn't sound capable of a loving relationship but that is no reflection on you. Go easy on yourself, be gentle. Love yourself the way you would want him to, the way he was unable to do. And do find a therapist and do some work with this material. You'll be all the better for it.
OP, how fat are you?
Good luck, OP. Make yourself busy with other things, and you'll soon forget that creep.
"If he really said you "cannot be loved" then he's a cunt of the highest order,"
Meanwhile, OP, as you gratefully gaze at this asshole in your rear view mirror, you've got to ask yourself a hard question: why would you stay in a relationship with little sex and affection for over a year? I say this as someone who's built many a relationship on a whole lot of nothing and now I'm just not willing to give to someone who just takes. You have to figure out what's really worth the heartache for you.
My condolences, OP. This guy sounds like a real jerk, putting the blame on you on why it didn't work out, when he sounds like he's the one with the problem. I'll echo what everyone else has said...you are better off without him. You are now freed up to find someone who will love you and treat you well.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
"I knew he didn't love me..."
Never do this again.
Never make a person a priority who considers you an option (I know, that's been on this site 1000 times.)
Good lord I thought this was written by a 21 year old college student.
"I knew he didn't love me..."
You'll get over him when it sinks in that it wasn't reciprocal. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you?
Been there, OP. Time is your best friend.
"I'm devastated and heartbroken. I can't breathe."
What is with all the obnoxious broken relationship posts in the past couple of weeks? Christ. Get a blog.
What R26 said. You are suffering from a case of arrested development more than anything else. This is all about YOU, not anyone else. Why would you be in a relationship that was so lopsided to begin with?
[quote]I can't breathe.
I know the feeling!
43 is young. The guy went out of his way to hurt your feelings saying "you can't be loved" Maybe he didn't , but that's bullshit. Spend sometime with friends, don't roll down the blinds. You never know who you'll meet around the corner ...all the best to you
Oh-hhhh, so sorry. Please take good care of yourself right now and give yourself plenty of time to grieve. You'll have to do most of it in private, probably. Do you journal? For me, that's a good way to process stuff like this. Friends can quickly become overwhelmed by someone's raw emotions. Sorry this happened. Rule of thumb: It will take at least a year until you feel 'over' this guy, based on what you have written. I didn't believe that it would take that long when it happened to me, but it did. And then one day, I could look back and not be destroyed by what I remembered. Courage!
Please, please do not believe his bullshit about you being unloveable. He doesn't know what he's talking about and he sounds like he's being a heartless prick right now.
How do you all know that this OP is "loveable?" I mean, not that he is NOT loveable but you all don't know anything about HIS issues and why this relationship failed. It is never all about one person. Support is fine but taking this guy's side about everything is NOT healthy, not supportive and won't help this guy figure out any of his own stuff, his own role in the demise of the relationship. The other guy might be an asshole but the OP very well might be one, too. You just don't know.
Why does he think you are unloveable?
This is the mystery that you must solve.
Because he wears black on the outside cuz black is how he feels on the inside...
I smell clingy and codependent. Those people indeed cannot be loved.
Why do people spend 24/7 trying to get someone to "love" them?
When you're young and sexy it seems like it's waiting around every corner. It's not. You're experiencing infatuation, and that should disappear as you get older and wiser.
Love is so rare it's not worth obsessing about; if it happens it happens. Just live your life.
Just remember that the wrong things aren't supposed to last
Baby it's over and done
The rest is gonna come when you let it
So sorry, OP. Do you think this guy was comfortable with being out? Perhaps the idea of being in a relationship made it all too real for him. I assume he's in your age category and most guys in their early 40's still have an active sex interest. If he wasn't into having sex often and if he maintained that he didn't love you, why was he there all that time? It's not like you guys were fishing buddies from work. I think somebody needs to show this guy the definition of "projection" in the DSM. It sounds like he was made uncomfortable by the intimacy of the situation and he bolted.
OP is the "I'm Pathetic" Troll. Crying as he types? BF told him he "can't be loved"? 43 years old and hysterical over the demise of a sexless one-year relationship with a jerk? Please.
Play on a non stop loop " I'll never love this way again" by the great Miss Dionne until your sick of it. Then move on
No person "cannot be loved", this is such a stupid, cruel excuse for someone who lived by your side a comfortable life and just took all and gave nothing.
Sorry to say that, but this was never love and now you have the chance to find someone who really loves you as you deserve it.
Nobody deserve a cold guy, boyfriend like you had. You give and give and did everything but deep down you maybe felt that you get nothing back, you felt deep down the truth but this is of course hard.
YOU ARE an important person, unique and you have the right to love and you're lovable. How hard and cold must be a person who said to someone "you cannot be loved"! Would you say that to a person?
It was not you who cannot be loved he was unable to love but you can! YOU CAN LOVE, you have this heat and power within you. He does not deserve you and people like him cannot be in a happy relationship. It was not your fault! He cannot love, even if you would be perfect. In his eyes it's never enough!
The pain will go, it's at the moment not easy but you will be in Love again and happy, you are not old, you are not not incapable of love. Many People thought like you at the moment but than they fall in love again and often they said thank you to the universe because without that happening I would never find my true love! So, all the best, you are wounderful and you will find love again! Real love!
Tell yourself there nothing wrong with opening your heart enough to have feelings for another person. Whether it is reciprocated or not is beside the point. We are all human.
That is what my friends told me and that is what I am doing.
It's called projection, OP. That's when a person projects his emotions onto you. He knows he is unlovable but it is easier for him to say that it it is you that cannot be loved.
Grieve and move on. And, don't ever be with someone who doesn't feel the same about you that you feel about him. You deserve better.
OP, I've nearly had the same experience. Although family and good friends can provide a sturdy support system, a good therapist will help you. You will triumphantly emerge from this. My heart goes out to you. Remember, "That which does not kill you, makes you stronger." Also, I suggest Joan Crawford, Bette Davis and Susan Hayward movies for vicarious pleasure.
OP, he was a using punk. He used you b/c he was secretly waiting for what he considers better to come along.
You'll be alright. You have love to share. Somebody IS out there waiting, praying for you to come along.
Two years from now, you'll be where you want, he'll be floundering b/c he does this in every relationship, not just you. Forget about him & put yourself out there. Sounds like you're a catch who doesn't realize their self worth.
Drop that zero & get yourself a hero...maybe just in time for Autumn. The best season to fall in love.
youre right im 53 no ones eve gonna love me
Don't you have any friends to talk to? I think Datalounge would be the last place I would immediately run to for this sort of thing !
OP sounds so clingy, needy, and desperate, I'm only reading this thread and I want to dump him.
OP, you do sound a little needy/clingy. That is never attractive. Even if you're a 22 year old cute twink bottom.
God, man. Even Misshelenbedd has a ltr. You must really be a bitch.
I think I was 43 when I last dated someone for any length of time. It was only two months though, before that user dumped me. Still have no idea what happened or why. It was very sudden, very unexpected, very cold.
I showed up at his door one Friday evening after work, as I usually did, and knocked. He came to the door, opened it, took one look at me, and slammed the door in my face, locked it, turned out the lights, and pretended not to be home. Didn't answer the phone or any texts (which was unusual since until that day he generally texted me several times a day).
That was the last I've seen or heard from him.
I don't even bother dating any more. The pain has never been worth what little pleasure there ever was.
I'm 48 now, and I'll be single the rest of my life. Which isn't much of a change from my past... added all up, every relationship I've ever had, including "two week flings", doesn't even add up to 5 years. Barely over 4 I think.
Apparently, the whole loving romantic relationship is just something that is never going to happen for me.
And I've made peace with that. Because it's far better to be single than in a bad relationship, or with someone that doesn't care about you really.
What happened to the OP? I hope he didn't do anything... drastic.
But, I love him! What more can I do?
R46 had it. This is projection. We all know you can be loved, OP. He's saying that about himself.
I don't have any advice I can give you--but man, what an asshole your ex was.
I could barely read the first paragraph until thinking of "Modern Family" and the line "Do I need to call you a Wah-bu-lance?
Seriously...pull up your Capri pants...realize it's time to move on, slap on your come-fuck-me pumps, tie the mattress on your back and move on to whatever new beau is next and get on with your life!
OP, look up 'stages of grief', get a therapist, do a LOT of writing, get it all out on paper. Do NOT contact him. DO talk to friends, DO take time to yourself.
Cry as much as you need to. Don't be ashamed of it at all.
Sorry this is happening to you.
Was just there 2 months ago.
Shake the crumbs from your codependent caftan, OP, and grow a pair.
I often wonder if assholes like R61 (and all the assholes posting similar replies) think they're actually [italic]helping[/italic], or if they're only interested in putting others down to try and make themselves feel better, or what.
All bitchiness aside, take away from this thread the one thing: you're better off, and it won't feel like it for awhile. But trust us, all of us.
R58, yeah... but he seemed so sweet and nice until that point, really. He made most of the first moves, he texted more, he seemed to really like me. Just about the time I was starting to believe it, he pulled that stunt.
And this after bitching about how his last boyfriend dumped him via text-message, and how rude that was.
Well, I didn't even get a text message. I got nothing. Not one word.
And really, it's not even my worst breakup/dumping, and he wasn't even the worst jerk-of-an-ex in my life.
Which is why I just give up at this point.
R62 I don't know what coddling people and telling them white lies does for them.
A dose of reality is far more compassionate in my book than all sorts of fluffy bullshit.
Because we were all there at one point or another, R65 - we were sad, and we felt we'd been made a fool of - that's happened to every single person here. Okay, great if it made you a battle hardened bitch - but there was a day when you weren't and shit like this burned like hell. So maybe just reach out a talon to the newbies now and then, eh?
[quote]Seriously...pull up your Capri pants...realize it's time to move on, slap on your come-fuck-me pumps, tie the mattress on your back and move on to whatever new beau is next and get on with your life!
That's really unfair. Everyone needs time to grieve.
[quote]Seriously...pull up your Capri pants...
This was kind of funny though.
Jesus Christ, you fucking pussy. Man up and move on.
R68 shut your fuckhole queerbait.
OP, dear, it has been one day. Cry yourself out, gently think about how this actually is not as surprising as you think, and how this fellow isn't all that great, and work your way towards rationality and better sense. Why would this be your last chance at love, just because you're 43?
And most of all quit posting your sad hysteria on the internet. We may be understanding but we are not your friends, and you may be too upset to tolerate the abuse you are loudly inviting.
When I got dumped after a two year relationship, I couldn't get over it. It was so odd, because I'm not normally "that" guy. But something about it was so devastating. I kept trying to get my ex back, pining for him, trying to have him explain to me why we broke up. God, my friends must have hated me then. I think the key for me getting over it, and maybe you OP, was when I finally quit trying to "understand" why we broke up.
I surrendered to the fact I couldn't change my ex's mind, nor could I understand it. Love isn't science. It's nebulous and strange and often makes no sense. So, then I stayed away from him for six months. Now? I'm so, so happy we're not together. He's a good friend, but what a mess!
Hang in there!
you sound like a needy mess op....cats!!! lots of them!!!
Have any men posted on this thread?
OP sorry to hear about your situation. Don't worry so much about the future and move on from the past. I think before you go out to find a new relationship or someone to love, you need to first love yourself. I know that sounds corny but people just suck sometimes and you have no control over them no matter what you do.
OP, there's a lot of great advice here, some of it cliché or obvious, but here's my absolute fave, from r10:
[quote]The best way to get over a guy is to get under (or on top of) another one. Go have some fun!
After the devastating end of a 25-year partnership, over time, that was the most effective thing for me. Also love someone's Dolly Parton quote: "Nobody ever died of a broken heart".
Time really does heal everything, but you have to allow that to happen. Under NO circumstances are you ever to have contact with this cold creep again. Do NOT look at his Facebook page or even have any contact with mutual friends. I'm telling you everything I did wrong. It stretched out my misery and overanalysis.
Let yourself mourn and cry for a few weeks or months, but you must get out there and aggressively flirt and fuck whomever is reasonably attractive and be safe about it. The majority will either be rejections or non-relationship material. 15 minutes of sucking a married guy's cock and making him cum (and vice versa) nearly erased a year's worth of grief.
From what you described, he sounds so cold-blooded and mean-spirited you're better off without him in the long run. I know it's not much comfort to hear now but it's a very real fact.
Deep wounds take time to heal, op, and they will heal. Move on and remember; 'look back, but don't stare', learn from ithe experience, and move away from it.
"He said that he had little feelings for me"
I'm assuming that this is not an EST because the above statement is particularly cruel.
I was talking about this today with a friend. Not about you because it's always about me.
Anyway, I asked my friend why I am so attracted to crazy people. He said "you're not, they're attracted to you because they think you're normal." I'm not but appear so on the outside.
No. Dating etiquette requires someone to say "It's me, not you." Or "I need some space to find myself." NO ONE says I have little feelings for you.
Let your DL sisters have at him. I promise you that there will a few shreds of fabric from his Dockers left after we have at him.
Take a break from relationships for a while. After a nasty, unexpected break-up a couple years ago, I immediately went out and really tried to shine it on so I could find someone new. I realized after a while that everyone could see through the act and that, in fact, I was surrounded by an aura of sadness and neediness that worked like some kind of repellant. A very close friend of mine actually said something to me about -- gently, and nicely -- one night when I thought I was total hot man bait. You need a break. You need to catch your breath and re-group. Take the best care of yourself that you ever have. You'll come out of this in much better shape.
Just how little were those "feelings"?
[quote]15 minutes of sucking a married guy's cock and making him cum (and vice versa) nearly erased a year's worth of grief.
A therapist would have a field day with you.
your ex is an asshole.
he doesn't love you back, he'd break up with you in the end， it's better sooner than later.
OP here. I so much want to thank you for the replies. I have tears in my eyes, but this time the tears are there because I'm so incredibly thankful and touched by the understanding, caring, beautiful answers that I received. You made me feel like I deserve love again. Thank you.
And then there are those typical Datalounge classics, that made me laugh out loud. "OP, just how fat are you", "you just need to suck a married guy's cock" etc etc. Thank you, for making me laugh, sincere and happy laughter.
I appreciate all of you from the bottom of my heart!!!
And update on my broken heart and broken relationship: I have been strong and have no contacted him. He has not contacted me. And I think that is the only way to get over him, to let go, completely. No pining over what was, because now I understand that what there was, was no real love from him part.
Thank you for all of you who said that I still can be loved. The thing he said felt so bad and, against my better judgement and what my brain told me, I believed him. You made me believe in myself again.
No, this is not a troll post, like someone suggested. This was a genuine post by someone who honestly got his heart broken. And now, because of you, my fellow dataloungers, I'm trying to be on my way to heal it again.
And.... arghhhh, the typos and grammar mistakes again. I'm sorry. The grammar nazi here will wet himself with excitement.
I'm sorry. That's what I get for typing so fast and with emotion.
OP here. I just re-read what I wrote and.... God, I'm so ashamed for having produced so many dumb mistakes. I'm sorry. I'm normal, I promise.
So how are things now, OP? What's new? Give us an update! Hope you're feeling better.
Oh for gods sake op, get a fucking hobby.
.. Cuz when youre cryin' don't you know that your makeup starts to run .. And your eyes get red and scrappy .. Forget your troubles, have yourself a little fun... Have a ball! .. Forget it all! Forget your troubles, ... come on, .. Get Happy!!
Sometimes you lose and sometimes you win, but the world goes round. One day it's kicks then it's kicks in the shins, but the world goes round. Sometimes your heart gets broken in pieces, but that doesn't alter a thing. Take it from me, there's still gonna be - a summer, a winter, a fall and a spring!
R89 has a desperate need to be a cunt. .. And she is!!
ohhhh-hhhhhh peee-eeeeeeee? Time to give us a follow-up report! Remember us? Your DL family? We gave your support when you needed it and now you avoid us like a jar of mayonnaise left out in the sun! What's happening????
Seriously, OP. I'd like to know how you are doing, too. We all go through this shit from time to time and coping/recovery strategies are of interest. I, too, hope you are feeling better and doing all right.
Don't worry. You CAN be loved, just not by that piece of shit. Be glad you are rid of him!
Now that you have waited long enough, you can start stalking your ex. Just keep a safe distance, and you can curse him under your breath for the shit he put you through. I've done it. It's cathartic.
And after I got dumped so that he could go back to his ex, I ended up finding a guy who was much more attractive, better in bed, and nicer to me. We've been together for 20 years.
I fear this is what my girlfriend will write when I leave her, OP. I should have left her 3 years ago, she even said at the time that I shouldn't stay because I needed financial help, she said she would help me anyway even if we werne't together, but I couldn't take the chance. This recession really is a bitch.
[quote]I'm 43 and I'm convinced I will never again find someone. Especially someone who could love me.
Well, OP, the good news is that you hadn't found anyone who loved you this time either, so you aren't any worse off than you were.
OP is that friend who never calls while in a relationship but as soon as he gets dumped he's calling, crying, yadda yadda until he finds the next trick and then it's "Sorry, I'm sooo busy finding love again, Hon, gotta go, byeeee!" until he gets dumped again.
Damn! Didn't read the date this began, thought it was recent. Now I see R102 may have nailed OP. However, the minute I started reading this I thought "Oh, God, this one's going to be a piece of work." You had me in the first paragraph OP until "because I cannot be loved." Mary, as they say around here.
There is a reason he said that, and not knowing you, none here can help. That most have been trying to comfort you tell me most around here can be a good sort. At least the ones taking the time to post. A good thing, that. Even if anonymous strangers. In this past year of your bliss, you had no idea he was reserved and had little feelings for you? Never a question on your part? Well, look how that turned out. You know, some guys just cannot be alone. They hang, maybe until something better comes along, or they just cannot take it any longer, and bail. What they do, no matter what is said, they are not thinking of you.
Breakups are hard, especially when you want something and he doesn't and you end up the one without. It has happened to me. It sucks. It hurts. It makes me mad. But you are not glass, you will not break. Just hurt for a while. Take time and grieve. There's little else to do. One day you'll think you haven't thought of him for maybe half a day. Time heals. Another day you'll think you have't thought of him for an entire day. For now, getting to that point will be the hard part.
People here saying he was a shit or wasn't worthy of you, well, really, what do they know? They're just trying to make you ease through your nights. Don't make too much of it. At 43 you've got about half your life left, make the most of that. Get counsel if you feel you must, but move on. I like what R11 said about "Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you loved who was in a lot of pain and grief who needed your love and care." I question some offerings of just go out and get laid, replace him, forget him, get another one … gay relationships are so disposable, if one doesn't work, just go get another? Shallow advice. Hurt a while, rage and pule, nurse yourself. If there is anything to you at all, you will survive this, you will be happy again.
punch and delete
Just say "goodbye" to love. No one ever cared if you should live or die. Time and time again the chance for love has passed you by? And all you know of love is how to live without it? You just can't seem to find it?
OP, it's important for you to know that the way your ex treated you is emotional abuse plain and simple. No, you do not "deserve" not to be loved -- he is simply twisting the blame that is his on you because of course you deserved to be loved by him: you genuinely loved him. He is scum and there IS someone out there for a kind, loving person such as yourself.
OP, 43 is right on the demarcation line for finding another life partner.
Soon after that all you will find are drinkers, dopers, men who can't hold a job, and the unloveable.
It sounds like a cliche, but all the good ones are taken.
Don't end up in a rented duplex full of cats.
[quote]So sorry about the forgotten words and typing mistakes. I can't see much because I'm crying.
Hold on while we put some Patsy Cline on the Victrola.