WHEN Mandy Mountain’s latest fella recoiled in horror while giving her oral pleasure, she wondered what on earth was wrong.
Only when the ashen-faced bloke emerged from between her thunderous thighs clutching the flattened remains of a KITTEN did she realise this was no ordinary bedroom mishap.
The 55-stone blubbergut had earlier SQUASHED the unfortunate mog and its grisly fate only came to light when her beau discovered the pancake-flat cat in her folds of flab.
Mandy, 25, revealed: “Poor little Buttons must have suffocated when I rolled over. I never even noticed.
“It wasn’t even my kitten - I was looking after him for my neighbours.
“My boyfriend was going down on me when he shrieked and leapt back, sobbing.
“He must have been in there dead for some time, at least three or four hours.
“We gave him a proper burial, and broke the news to my neighbours. But I feel so terrible about it. I can’t apologise enough.
“And I’m now willing to try anything to lose some weight. This is the wake-up call I needed.”
But Mandy - real name Amanda Simmons - makes a decent living from being so big. She earns up to Â£60,000 a year posing for men with a fetish for larger ladies.
The 64EE babe from Charleston, West Virginia, has to scoff a staggering 20,000 calories a day in order to maintain her terrifying tonnage.
That’s the equivalent of 36 Big Mac burgers, or twelve giant pepperoni pizzas - every single day.
Mandy’s chunky thighs measure an amazing six feet in circumference - the same size as a fully-grown larch. The model explained: “I’ve never had a real job, but I’ve always been able to make money modelling.
“Men love my buttery lumps and bumps. And I enjoy being worshipped like some sort of massive goddess.
“But I also love animals. I’d never even hurt a fly. So to accidentally kill a gorgeous little kitten is too much for me to take.
“And my boyfriend Clint’s taken it bad too. He’s started wetting again.”
My God, what has the world come to? I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!
So who called the tabloid? Most people wouldn't run out and share that kind of story with the world. I'm more grossed out by how proud she seems to be, than by the cat pancake (seen a million of those on Hoarders).
And "he's started wetting again"? WTF???
I truly laughed out loud.
What the fuck is a "fully grown larch"?
I haven't even read the article yet from laughing, but now R6 makes me curious.
Let's see - "her thunderous thighs", "her folds of flab", "her terrifying tonnage", "Mandy’s chunky thighs" and "her buttery lumps and bumps"...I'm beginning to sense this gal's rather portly, no?
I'd hoped this was a parody or urban legend. Sadly, I was mistaken. I suppose this woman selling her story to the tabloids is no different than Kim Kartrashian or Paris Hilton selling sex tapes. Anything for that 15 minutes.
[quote]But Mandy - real name Amanda Simmons - makes a decent living from being so big. She earns up to £60,000 a year posing for men with a fetish for larger ladies.
That's more than a decent living, that's pretty damn sweet!
Anyone got any links to help a chubby gal earn some money?
Uhm...Mandy's not "chubby", she's some sort of massive goddess.
"The 55-stone blubbergut had earlier SQUASHED the unfortunate mog and its grisly fate only came to light when her beau discovered the pancake-flat cat in her folds of flab."
Soft kitty. Deformed kitty. Smothered in my fur.
Flattened kitty. Brown 'n' skiddy.
Stir! Stir! Stir!
The last line seals the story beautifully.
Until just now, I didn't know it was possible to laugh and dry-heave simultaneously.
wtf. can't they put her in jail for animal abuse?
They're not British.
[quote]Only when the ashen-faced bloke emerged from between her thunderous thighs clutching the flattened remains of a KITTEN did she realise this was no ordinary bedroom mishap.
What, pray tell, is an ordinary bedroom mishap?
Normally I can't bear ANY story in which an animal is harmed in ANY way, but A.) this never happened and B.) the writing style is hilarious!
I just don't know whether to laugh or cry... I love the kitty song...
R25 That is what probably killed the poor thing-all that poisonous gas.
Tabloids print these obviously made up stories for their own protection. They claim that they are "entertainment" not "news". In this way, when they print an article that XXX is an alcoholic, they can hide behind the obviously faked articles.
"Oh my God. I'm back. I'm home. All the time, it was... We finally really did it ... You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"
We are switching to the new platform for The DataLounge this weekend. All of our mobile users have been using it for over a week and all first time users have been using it for about a month - which adds up to well over one million users. So we're ready to end this phase of the testing and move everybody to the new site. (more)
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But it was time for a change and with the huge shift to mobile it was long overdue. We've taken this opportunity not only to update the look but also make major changes under the hood (or "bonnet" if you're either British or pretentious or both). And we have to prepare for 2016 - a presidential election year where we can normally expect to see a 60% jump in traffic (yes, we've seen 5 presidential elections so far…Christ we're old).
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