I just got arrested at the corner of Stuyvesant and 83rd for licking a homeless man's anus. I met him at the David Barton, you know, that one with the shrub and the Dominican panhandler. I had to call my lesser throuplemate for advice, but he had troubles of his own - he was waiting on line at the Duane Reade at Houston and the L Train when some hipster bitch set herself on fire. You could tell she was originally a flyover, because her breasts were so pale and low. I then called my greater (richer) throuplemate, who took the S train at 73rd, Avenue 9, and the M trolley, bringing five pails of the finest wasabi pancake lasagna to the station for those hot, hot guido cops.
I'm going to miss Splash! It's where my soul died in 1995. Who needs a soul, though, when you make $850,000 a year?
Also, has anyone seen my boyfriend? He was supposed to bring home those new arugula cupcakes, but instead I got bacon doughnuts. I sent him out to make the switch, and I haven't heard from him since.
OP, can you do something productive and find that thread about straight girls who are fascinated with gay guys?
My favorite porn star was in a fight with my favorite drag queen at the corner of 90th, Vanderbilt, and E. They were causing quite a scene; even the stockbrokers getting their cocks sucked stepped outside of their booths. I felt the rent for the nearest three blocks start to twitch.
I'd rather live in New York than swim with the alligators in Los Angeles Bay, rollerblade to my cubicle in Atlanta, or hawk shrimp at the markets in Denver. This is the heart of civilization.
Are native New York women generally known for having tanned, high breasts?
Oh gurlfriend, I jus saw ANDERSON fucking COOPER!!!! I'm moist with excitement. The upper east side and he was wearing marvey shorts, , flip flops and tanker-roomi T top and was gorgeous. Oh Mary, I'm fanning my mussy over him.
He looks jus like his mother!!!
Only a flyover would ask that, R7. Have you taken your daily syphilis medication yet? Those spirochetes can affect a beautiful New York mind sometimes.
I'm sixty, flirty, and thriving! Tug on my nacreous nipple rings for good luck - those cuntresses Jerryn, Sanuel, Maryo, and Derryk have asked me to go to Fire Island, but I'm holding out hope that Chadd's blatino husbear drives us to Provincetown in his gilded mobile bodega instead.
I'm not from NY (from Sweden) but I've spent time there.
But I read these ridiculous posts about NY, presumably by Americans, and they come off as so bitter and sad.
Do you get all of your information about NY from DL?
Did you pass through New York on your way to Toronto, Olaf? There is no "Chicken Soup For The Soul" when you discover that your tattoo-riddled, artfully emaciated boyfriend has baked all his rhubarb and starfruit pies in the nude.
Want to really stir things up ?
Let's pretend we're the OP from this thread.
Nice try, R14, but that is something a New Yorker would actually do.
R13, OP, R2, all spewing bile, proving the point that these anti-NYC trolls really are one big blob of poison. Like a nasty boil that needs to be lanced...
Wow. Just wow.
Native New Yorkers do not try too hard to be New Yorkers, get my drift?
Flyovers and others who now live here, seem to have this bizarre need to be part of the latest trends. Most of them are way too ridiculous in their attempts to be in-the-know about any new nonsense the media presents to them as 'must have' or 'must do'.
Who do you think waits on lines for $8 cupcakes and other such bullshit, certainly not native New Yorkers. New Yorkers laugh at idiots who pay $8 for a cupcake!
Native New Yorkers have a 'who gives a shit' attitude about most trendy bullshit, I can tell a transplant a mile away. I actually wish they would go away! These are the same assholes with more money than brains who are buying over priced co-ops in Bushwick and Long Island City, these are the sheeple who are ruining New York City!
Who were all the young women walking around the city trying to be Carrie Bradshaw? Certainly not native New Yorkers!
Even Carrie wasn't a native, but I think they gave her some bullshit line about having lived there long enough to be considered a New Yorker.
The Sex and the City craze did so much more harm than good. I remember an article about people in retail complaining about hags who would overrun their stores during sales trying to buy stuff made by labels they couldn't pronounce just because they had seen it on Sex and the City. You could probably go on and on with examples.
Hahahhhaa, OP & r11!
And r17, I'm also a native NYer and I totally agree. The place became unliveable enough to force me out.
The first thing I am going to do is move to California for the weather, and the beautiful people. Then I will proceed to tell them how shallow they all are and how much better New York is.
Everyone should move to LA and act like a celebrity. Forever wear sunglasses, eat where they eat, dress how they dress, and walk around with a sense of entitlement. Act as though you have people after you for your picture.
Some of us don't pretend.
LA is full of New Yorkers. In fact if you talk to people in Hollywood, 90% seem to be from out of state or from the east coast. It's almost a surprise when you find out someone grew up in LA.
They bring all the pretense with them, play it all of on each other and then complain about California.
Basically the same thing you guys complain about in NY from hicks trying to be New Yorkers. We got New Yorkers trying to be celebrities or Hollywood screenwriters.
R23: New Yorker snootiness at its apex!
We're sure OP meant to say standing "in line" at Duane Reade, since it describes people standing one-behind-the-other.
r17 should also read r26.
Lol at r27, NY regional dialect is stand on line, not in line.
Jesus, you mean New Yorkers have thin skin? The bullies of DL are not amused by this thread? Awwww.
I just don't understand why every where else can't be just like NYC. I mean really, this city has it all, shopping at the hottest luxury retailers, the coolest little bars and clubs -THE EXCLUSIVITY! And it's only in New York. I get a rash if I step off this island and it's not either to the Hamptons, the left coast or Europe!
It's so hot right now! Has it ever been this hot anywhere before? I think I might die - who will water my arugula when I'm gone?
*6 Months Later*
Look at those Southern pussies, complaining about the cold! Suck it up!
OP, if you have no doubts whatsoever about your brilliance, you could just be that damn good. On the other hand...
"The Dunning-Kruger effect occurs when incompetent people not only perform a task poorly or incompetently, but lack the competence to realize their own incompetence at a task and thus consider themselves much more competent than everyone else. Put more crudely, they're too stupid to realize they're stupid."
You claim to hate New York, and yet here you bitches are, obsessing over it.
New Yorkers don't think much about you at all, except when your trailer park catches fire.
Excellent parodies of New Yorker arrogance, R32 and R33! Please continue.
And a "trolley" is what, a new Carvel cake?
Op is trying to revive the aesthetic of Jim Carroll. Big Fail.
I just adore a penthouse view
Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue
We're stronger than the storm!
How dare you make fun of New York? Don't you know what we've done for you?
Oh, the mustachioed parties! How the filth glowed in the moonlight! I loved the rapine and all the old-fashioned STDs... Ou sont les neiges d'antan, or as we once called it at the corner of Stuyvesant, 123rd, and Stuyvesant, cocaine?
[quote]I remember an article about people in retail complaining about hags
You mean salesgirls and salesbottoms. Who cares what they think?
We have to elect a Mayor this fall! From a police line-up of crooks and sleazebags! What do they think this is, Miami?
Lincoln Center, Columbus Circle, The Empire State, The Brooklyn Bridge, the Guggenheim, Washington Square, the Flatiron Building, Central Park... How many more places should I list before a real conversation starts?
Don't forget cronuts, R43!
I'm SUCH a fabulous FUG that You need a VISA to even come talk to me!
Always carry your handbag in the crook of your arm, gaudy label facing outwards!
r18, they were complaining about getting business? How fucking stupid.
I grew up riding the subways running with people, up in Harlem, down on Broadway. I'm no tramp but I'm no lady, talkin' that street talk. I'm the heart and soul of New York City! And love, love is just a passing word. It's the thought I had in a taxi cab that got left on the curb when he dropped me off at East 83rd.
I'm the risibly narcissistic "My New York Is Gone" thread. I can't believe anyone posted in me with a straight face. All the posters in me are lower and sadder than any flyover.
I hate the transplants who think that because they're now in NYC, that A) they are suddenly somebody (as if they weren't before) and B) that no other place on Earth is good enough to live after going there
"Turn to channel 8. It's not like there is a big nation out there that has different channels and stuff."
I left NYC to teach at a major university in the Midwest.
I spend most of the time talking about my last trip back to NYC, when I'm going again and how much better everything is in NYC.
I've published a few pieces about how silly and stupid the locals are here.
I miss my friends most - for some reason I can't make any friends here.
I always send postcards so my hometown will know my rah-sha-sha address.
Wow OP/Frau - you've been marked very generously!
I give you a D minus. The only reason you didn't Fail was because you used 'anus' in the first sentence, and that's gotta count for something.
Is there anything that inspires more jealousy on here than New York(ers)?
OP good stuff. I like the bit about the flyover hipster chick. And of course the rimming was a fun mention as well.
I give an F minus to all posters who took this seriously. Hardly funny. Rather pathetic. Obviously have never been to The Big Apple, and can't stand their own slug-like lives. Poor dears..
R56 .. You're embarassing yourself. You really need to get out more often. Try something exotic, like the mall.
R54 / R55 / R57 / R58 is deliciously butthurt. Where's the sparkling, unique New York wit, love? We're waiting for only the most creative rejoinders... You can't let the rest of the world best you!
I hate my self, my lover, my boyfriend's lover and my apartment, all because I don't work in a Fortune 500 company and earn over a half million dollars a year. What? People actually live on less than that? How is that possible?! Now I hate them too!
OP. I love your post
R17 = Fran Lebowitz
And Fran's from Jersey
OP best thing I read, laughed out loud.
I agree. And we do get in too much of a dither over this New Yawk thing. It is a fabulous city and the inhabitants are .. exactly what one would expect.
Write more stuff OP.
I can't believe how sensitive NYCers! We make fun of everybody on Let's Pretend Threads and we all have fun with stereotypes.
It is interesting to me that over 80% of the posters on this thread surely live in Frauville Township, USA. And will never, (and should never) leave home. .. However, you can assuage your cob-webbed lives with pre-pubescent drivel like the subject matter of this insipid thread. .. Have fun, poor things.
[quote] And will never, (and should never) leave home.
Just like the African-American men living in NYC who risk stop and frisk when they leave home.
I'm from Nowheresville, Arkansas, but moved to NYC when I was 19 and got a job in the fashion industry. I have since adopted the hauteur of an 18th century duchess, even though I'm completely uneducated and really don't have much money.
Just act rude
I'm a recent female college graduate from the Midwest who moved to New York because I expected it to be just like [italic]Friends[/italic]. Even though I'm employed and I have roommates, my parents still have to help me out to make the rent.
I'm a 55-year-old male audition pianist casting replacements for [italic]Matilda[/italic], hoping none of them ask to sing "Tomorrow," "Over the Rainbow" or ANYTHING from [italic]Mary Poppins[/italic]. I did NOT go to Julliard and graduate with honors only to hear little girls screech those songs over and over again.
Yes, I've been inside Stephen Sondheim's sex dungeon. No, I'm not giving any more details.
you just can't get Raped in Astoria like you used to!
I'm a 90-year-old Jewish man. My wife died 20 years ago, I outlived the rest of my immediate family, I lost most of my extended family in the Holocaust, and I only get to see my kids, grandkids and great-grandkids at Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, weddings, funerals, Hanukkah and Passover. I've lived in the same 83rd street Brownstone since 1952, outliving three landlords, while the tenement in Brooklyn where I grew up is now the site of an artisanal bakery with eight-dollar cupcakes that really aren't that great for the price. And don't get me started on their Hamantashen. Oy vay izmir! My mother could pull better Hamantashen out of her ass than these schlemiels. Even my great-granddaughter can make better ones in her Easy Bake Oven, and she's seven years old!
I'm Stephen Sondheim. Even if you hate my music, every one of you would trade places with me in a minute and you know it.
We're Bruno and Vinnie, representatives for Teamsters Local 237, and you didn't see nothin'!
NY is a great city. And believe it or not, most NYers are great, too.
DL-NYers are a thing apart though. Tiresome, snitty,superficial, materialistic, snobby, irksome, thin-skinned, facile, and, when you scratch the surface, many are shockingly racist.
Why don't they resemble the real NYers I know btw? Any theories?
[quote]Why don't they resemble the real NYers I know btw? Any theories?
You're from New York State?
I'm Michael Musto, pulling another column out of my ass along with other things.
Nope. Try again, r78.
And maybe try a dash of the famously incisive NY wit next time?
[quote]And maybe try a dash of the famously incisive NY wit next time?
Outside of New York, that's called mean-spiritedness.