Growing up, I was the most homophobic person in my family. I never bullied anyone. In fact, I felt really bad for the effeminate kids who were bullied, but at home, I was a total homophobe. I convinced myself I wasn't homosexual by shutting down my feelings. I convinced myself I was attracted to females even though I did everything I could to avoid relationships and sex. I literally made myself sick at the thought of a relationship/sex with my own gender. Today, my family knows I'm not homophobic...at all, but they don't know I'm gay. They think I grew up and that my prior homophobia was immaturity, which it was, but it was also more than that. I can't forgive myself for my prior homophobia because I don't have the excuse that my prior homophobia was because my family was homophobic. I feel like such a hypocrite, and that somehow I don't deserve the right to be out. Has anyone else ever dealt with similar feelings?
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