1) Watch videos of Nancy Reagan to learn the best way to coffin kiss and still look classy.
2) Watch clips of Bernadette Peters and perfect the art of 'cry singing'.
3) Screech at Ryan Murphy until he secures rights to 'Left Behind' from 'Spring Awakening' for Glee (special guest performance by Jonathan Groff and his Tiny Tim falsetto).
4) Call colorist for auburn highlights so her hair perfectly matches the hues in the coffin (in tribute to her idol Barbra matching Amy Irvings blush to the apples in the bowl for Yentyl).
5) Find a new gay boyfriend who isn't so fucking tall - perhaps someone in a wheelchair.
6) Practice that Emmy acceptance speech to dedicate it entirely to Cory while speaking of no one except Lea.
Order custom Philip Treacy fascinator/yarmulke/widow's veil. Patent same. Sign deal with Bergdorfs for boutique distribution.
7. Suggest pregnancy announcement is imminent.
8. Schedule hospital "spa" day followed by announcement of miscarriage.
9. Arrange for castmates and fellow A list (ha ha) celebrities to plead for my privacy.
10. Grab that Activia ad account from that old hermaphrodite.
Congratulate the cast of Datalounge for their community theatre production of "Cuntz-a-Poppin!"
11. Commission a song about Cory that can be sung at funeral. Check into iTunes rights and possible inclusion in next season of Glee.
12. Check with US Weekly, In Touch and People to see which will offer the most for cover story "HER PRIVATE GRIEF." Note: should be done BEFORE Teen Choice Award voting closes (!!!)
13. Changing clothes between funeral and reception -- too tacky? Email Andre Leon Talley
14) Press conference to announce her charity foundation in honor of Cory but named after herself.
15) Hold hands with Chord Overstreet
16. Have someone call Carolyn Kennedy to see if the Jackie veil is available for loan.
17. Twitter that even though the secret engagement will never be consummated with a Wedding of the Millennium as you planned, you still felt like Lea Michelle Monteith. Except now, alone, you just feel like a sad lonely Montooth.
18. Call Calvin Klein. Request a little black dress, not too sexy but not too Momsy.
19. Sexily faint in Fred Segal (make sure reps call paps first).
20. Decide to nix the funeral bob.
R6, I'm sure if Caroline is not willing to lend Jackie's, Lee Radziwill would gladly lend hers.
21. Send Cory's drug dealer a heartfelt thank-you note.
22. Find a new guy to beard for.
23. Study this video. All you need to know about how to publicly mourn. Guaranteed to bring out the waterworks.
24. Ditch the heroin (Mark will buy it back).
25. Surprise Matthew by turning up at his NYC gig (the lukewarm reviews will have him off-kilter anyway) and accept his implicit offer to allow you to sing a duet as a tribute. Break down at the end of the first verse, and then "recover" for the final chorus, stepping in front of him and holding the last note for 32 bars, farting silently the way you do the whole time so he's gasping behind you. Pay back's a bitch, "straight guy."
26. Sit in window of apartment where paps can get some good "pensive" shots.
27. Tell press "through a spokesperson" that you had a premonition, and so did Cory, and he promised that you could have his ashes. Because whatever his family says Cory wanted to be cremated after an open-casket wake where you will enact a classic Pola Negri faint every 15 minutes.
28. Plan public ash heave from horseback a la Gene Tierney in LEAVE HER TO HEAVEN. (Starting at 1:26 for the uninitiated.)
(31) Send a nice but direct note to Jane Lynch, thanking her for her sympathy but clearly confirming that no, her offer to "comfort" me will not be acted upon, and no, her divorce makes no difference.
(32) Read Elizabeth Taylor biography to see how best to incorporate the death of a loved one into one's career.
[quote]Me. Mememe. ME! ME ME ME ME ME ME. Me. ME!!!!!!!!!!!
As she releases a public statement publicly requesting her privacy.
[quote] Since Cory's passing, Lea has been grieving alongside his family and making appropriate arrangements with them.
So DL was right. "making arrangements" = checking this to-do list
Silly r21--the statement was released to People in exchange for putting her, not Cory, on the cover. The cover story will be all about how much she wants to be left alone to grieve in peace.
[quote]They are supporting each other as they endure this profound loss together. We continue to ask the media to respect the privacy of Lea and Cory's family.
Family. Not families. That's how much Cory's family loves Lea.
(33) Does a short bob seem more fitting for a funeral?
(33a) Black washes me out too much. Can we try for an earthy brown with hints of orange and just a speck of glitter here and there? Subtle but sassy.
(34) Call Dolly Parton to see if she's willing to sing backup on "I Will Always Love You."
#1 on the List.
Find out where that fucking dead faggot hid the stash. I paid for half of that fucking heroin and I'll be damned if I let some hotel maid make off with $5000 worth of high grade horse.
I smell a first public appearance at September's Emmys where she will surprise the industry and have a "Mrs. Norman Maine" moment for the ages.
Re R28, item 34:
Yes, except she will be performing "I Will Always Love You" wearing a Cory mask and angel wings and singing it to an image of herself as she lifts into the rafters.
35. Bluff a raise out of Ryan Murphy by telling him that Cory had mentioned seeing some "bathtime" photos at Ryan's house.
36. A veil.
No: part veil, part fascinator.
37. Send dress designer link to Madonna "Frozen" video. Can I have a live flock of ravens attached to me? The circle of life....and all that shit.
38. Feign tears at some point. Preferably at The Emmy's.
L. O. L. R29
39. Ban my lesser costars from appearing at the memorial service.
Menzel and Cheno can come, but ONLY if they sing backup for me on my soulful version of "I Will Follow Him."
39. Wear a sunny yellow gown to walk the Red Carpet. Your brave smile belies your heartache with tears cascading down your perfectly made up face. When asked about your bold color choice by Ryan Seacrest, reply "It's for Cory. He had such a sunny soul and Monique reached out to me. Monique Lhuillier."
40. Fire publicist for two to-dos at 39.
Has she gotten any covers out of this? People or US Weekly would be ideal, but InTouch is acceptable as well.
[quote]Menzel and Cheno can come, but ONLY if they sing backup for me on my soulful version of "I Will Follow Him."
Oh how I wish Lea would follow Cory.
[quote]People or US Weekly would be ideal, but InTouch is acceptable as well.
Cory's on the cover of the new US Weekly, solo. Lea must be PISSED.
40) Break contract for Glee. Claim Cory appeared to her in a dream and told her she is destined for greatness but only if she leaves the show (It was really Shelley Long masquerading as Cory but what does that bitch know?)
41. Take that rifle up to the top of the tallest Chinese restaurant in Vancouver and start shooting. NO FUCKING EMMY NOMINATION????? I'll show THEM ALL!!!!!!!
Agree to sing the Love Theme from The Normal Heart
42) Study youtube clips of black people funerals for the art of properly collapsing on the casket while wailing in abject despair.
43. Find out if Matthew Morrison can make his hair look like less of a rat's nest prior to the memorial service.
44. Make sure there is flattering overhead lighting (preferably amber lighting with filters) at the memorial service. It should be *just* bright enough to suggest the hints of bags under the eyes without actually producing human tears.
45. Find orchestrator for "Seven Days" tribute at the wake.
Watch and study Judy's final scene in "A Star is Born".
46) Book the Carlyle for My Cory Story STARRING LEA MICHELLE, WRITTEN BY LEA MICHELLE, MUSICAL ARRANGEMENTS BY LEA MICHELLE, CONCEIVED AND DIRECTED BY LEA MICHELLE. Superimpose 1/10 resolution photos of the fabricated couple over the program. Film same for PBS Great Performances (by that I mean tape it yourself and wait for their inevitable inquiry).
[quote] Cory's on the cover of the new US Weekly, solo. Lea must be PISSED.
Can you imagine the phone calls that occurred between Lea and her agent when she found this out?
It looks like she can check off, make an appearance/visit at the hotel where Cory died
47. Discover this thread during her daily three-hour self-google. Force down cold sense of authentic exposure and send 15th tweet of day to Cory's mom, who you now call "Mom."
48. Repeatedly bitchslap stupid cunts who cannot properly spell my last name as MICHELE, not Michelle.
49) Purchase live autotune equipment for her 'oh no, i couldn't possibly sing today' moment at the funeral
50) Breathe sigh of relief that she didn't throw herself on the coffin at the cremation.
51) Display genuine bewilderment when she learns how many people wish she had.
52) kill again (and again and again and again)
53) 'Accidentally' purchase diaphanous black dress and proclaim outrage when the flash pictures expose her cooter.
54) Hair: Soft, pulled back, need to read "nice girl", scrunchie?
55) Make-up: soft, nice-girl, pink lipgloss. No eye makeup. Maybe a little red under the eyes for puffy, crying effect.
56) Dress-something simple. Dark, somber, but "nice girl". Approachable. Sleeveless, maybe a scarf to periodically dab at eyes.
57) answering questions about why a nice girl was dating a smack user: have Ryan write something.
58 - get tattoos of the baby names that "Cory picked out" for "our little bundles of joy"
59 - Don't forget to leak stories to the press about the baby names, or people will forget my colorful past and confuse it for a downward, sex filled, spiral out of control
54) Remake "A Star is Born"
55) Call that old bewigged queen and give him permission to rewrite his ballad as "Syringe in the wind". Grant permission to accompany her; schedule rehearsal to choreograph what to do when she stops to cry.
56) Find a way to connect her (false) pregnancy with William and Kate.
55. Me me me me meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! and more me!
56. Trying to be busy at adopted daddy Murphy's home with adopted brother Logan.
57. Praise me me me me meeeeeeeeeee!
58. Michele: How long I should mourn? Publicist: 2 Years.
59. TWO FUCKING YEARS?!!!!!!!!!!!!
60. Books Villa for Wedding in 2015 Summer.
Set Maya Angelou poem to music, clock it at 12 min, 42 sec.
"Oh my God. I'm back. I'm home. All the time, it was... We finally really did it ... You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"
We are switching to the new platform for The DataLounge this weekend. All of our mobile users have been using it for over a week and all first time users have been using it for about a month - which adds up to well over one million users. So we're ready to end this phase of the testing and move everybody to the new site. (more)
And yes, we've changed the look and some of how it operates.
Yes, we know you just *hate* it in well in advance.
Yes, we know we suck.
Yes, we are the biggest suckers that ever sucked.
But it was time for a change and with the huge shift to mobile it was long overdue. We've taken this opportunity not only to update the look but also make major changes under the hood (or "bonnet" if you're either British or pretentious or both). And we have to prepare for 2016 - a presidential election year where we can normally expect to see a 60% jump in traffic (yes, we've seen 5 presidential elections so far…Christ we're old).
The site has a bunch - nay, plethora - of new features which will make the site more usable: better search, the ability to ignore posters and threads, see link previews, to pick up a thread where you left off, spam and malware filtering and more.
If you want you can go explore and see for yourself, Click here.
And while running the tests we've noticed two interesting reactions to the new system - people are spending more time on the site and more people that come stay around longer and look at more stuff. Both good things. Yay!
Possibly we've not slain all the dragons and there will be issues that come up during the switchover. There's a help button in the lower right hand corner of the page which you can use to send us bug reports.
Please include as much information about the hardware (PC, Mac, Tablet, Phone etc), operating system (Windows, Mac OS, Android, iOS etc) and browser (Chrome, Safari, Opera, Internet Explorer etc) that you are using as possible to help us replicate and fix the problem.
Please note that complaints about colors, fonts, icons and the like are not "bugs" - they are design choices that we've made and we expect one or two cases of world-class bitching. But they won't actually cause headaches, scurvy, heart attacks, Restless Leg Syndrome, Morgellon's Disease or the vapors (but have your smelling salts at hand just in case).
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