Reasons you have lost a friend, other than the friend moving to a different city or state
It seems fairly common to lose friends. What are some reasons you have lost one?
I lost an old friend from high school. She and I had intermittently written letters and sent cards over many decades.
Then upon switching to email a tremendous amount of information was exchanged as opposed to the modest amount of info exchanged in snail mail letters and cards over the decades.
I gave my opinion of her 26 year old daughter living fulltime at home and my friend financing the daughter almost in full, and the daughter not being expected to acquire any job skills from which she could financially support herself.
My friend did not like my view on this and shut down communication.
Recently I realized a long-time friend was basically someone with borderline personality disorder.
I still will have affection for her, but because she is not capable of it.... I no longer think of her as a friend.
Because his boyfriend fucked me. Repeatedly.
Lately in my middle-aged years I dropped a friendship that I have nursed along when I finally realized that my friend was an unmitigated jackass and I was doing all the work to maintain the friendship.
It's like an albatross has been removed from my neck.
Frank, if you're a DLer, never contact me again.
She asked me what I thought of her asshole fiance. I tried to avoid answering but she pressed me so I told the truth. That led to a cessation of communication. Ultimately the engagement was broken for reasons I never learned.
R2 sounds she has borderline personality disorder. You "just" realized an old friend is disordered? Isn't that what borderlines do?
I slept with his son.
I know you said "other than" but I've lost 80% of my local friends because all of my closest ones (about 10 of them) moved within a year to two year period.
Still friends with many of them, but no one to hang out with, have a weeknight cocktail, watch bad old movies with, or just walk around and window shop or man watch with! LOL
Best friend from high school: ditched him when he became a raging racist, alcoholic right wing kook.
Half of my social circle from college: One half was a mix of gay and straight, although mostly straight. I'm still friends with all of them. The gay half I ditched because I really didn't like how they would put down and bad mouth other members of our gang whenever that person was not present. The funny thing is, I was the keystone of that group. None of them knew each other until I brought them all together.
My best friend from college and I stayed friends for years afterward, even though we moved to different cities. But eventually he developed depressive personality disorder. He's so overwhelmed by his own problems he doesn't have time for me or his other old friends; I don't think he has many new friends, either. I've tried multiple times to reach out to him, and he responds sometimes but then goes back into hiding again. I feel terrible about his problems, but at this point I feel i just can't help him.
I let a friend of 30 years go. We had known each other since college days. In all those years he became incredibly angry and bitter. He became more and more judgementlal. Every converstaion was about how much he hated his job-- this was every job over 30 years. The weird thing is that his who,e identity revolves around work. He can only relate to people in terms of work and what they do.
When I lost my job several years ago he wouldn't even talk to me because I couldn't have a conversation about work. He called me 2 years later and left me a message saying he heard I got a job.
I never called him back.
Just like how I lost my sense of humor...
1. She had children - Irish twins
2. I thought he was asking for advice when he was actually venting
3. I gave money and never heard from them again
4. I stopped buying weed
5. He never wanted to be just friends and I didn't notice because I wasn't attracted to him in the least
I let one go today. I cared very much about him, and we had once dated. but as he became more successful (he's an actor) he surrounded himself with ass kissers and people who would never disagree with him. I told him that's how Elvis ended up alone on a toilet in a bathroom with shag carpet. Initially it was a joke, but as he changed I lost patience with his self centered view about life and people. and I became hurt by his indifference to me which he claimed wasn't true. Better if I leave, so I did. He thinks I'm not serious. But I am.
Told someone ( a mutual acquaintance) I had been diagnosed with the big C when I asked them not to tell a soul. GOSSIP
I cut him out of my life because he was racist and republican.
R10, I sound like your friend. I probably need help.
Since I've started using LoJack, I never lose friends any more!
My best friend of three years in college. Her new boyfriend told her he didn't like her being friends with a gay woman--though gay men would be fine.
She also dumped two of our mutual friends, both lesbians, for the same reason, but a few months before she dumped me. For them, it was unofficial--stopped calling them, stopped hanging out, didn't return calls. Since I was closer, I received a dear john letter.
A friend told me that she was okay with our friendship continuing as long as I did all the work to maintain it. Now her statement would have made sense if she'd been doing all the heavy lifting until then, but she hadn't. I evaluated all the things she'd said to me about her other friendships and realized that this was par for the course for her. I'm not some circus animal, so I didn't feel the need to jump through any hoops in response to the crack of her whip, so to speak. So that was it.
About a year later she left a message for me with some passive aggressive comment more or less repeating her last "communication." I ignored it. A year after that, she called me and told me she was getting married to her fiancé. (Didn't know she had one). I congratulated her and we caught up a bit, but again I felt like she wanted me to pass some test that I felt I didn't need to take.
The point was, I realized she was childish and insecure. And this is why my friendships end. I no longer want to deal with someone else's immaturity. To be fair, others have dropped me for the same reason. At some point you just get too old for certain kinds of foolishness.
And the older I get, the less likely I'm inclined to deal with straight people's bullshit. Which is why, to quote Edina Monsoon, all my friends are gay.
I cut him out of my life because he was racist and a democrat.
Moved to a new and city and I got sick (possible cancer) and my three closest friends have never inquired how my health is THREE years later. I could be dead for all they know! All three fell off the face of the earth. Just dropped out of my life. So, I'm done with them.
I've been so hurt by this and feel like such a chump for ever thinking we were close friends. Clearly, the level of friendships I thought I had was my own delusion! I feel so stupid!
It has made me question everything about myself. How could I NOT read the relationships correctly? Why did I pick these dudes as friends? What's wrong with me psychologically/emotionally that would make me think of any one of these guys as my "closest friend"? "One friend" I can see drifting away, but THREE? I think the fault lies with me. There's something wrong with me and who I choose to surround myself with.
I lost one friend because his boyfriend had slowly worked to push him away from all of his other friends. I was one of the last two friends to go. The other one no longer speaks to him as well.
I lost another friend or rather "let go" of another friend after she stole some money from me. The funny thing was, I would have been willing to forgive her but she refused to admit it even after I back-checked everything and discovered she did. The sad part is, I still think of her, but not "think of her" as in, "I miss her!" more like, "I hope she's okay." She had a good heart but I don't like being lied to.
I'd say with most of my straight female friends, we stopped communication after they found a long term boyfriend or got married and eventually disappeared. My best friend pulled that stunt with one of her boyfriends a few years back. She became a totally different person, letting him get away with random shit she would never have let anyone else pull before. I basically told her he was an asshole. She became upset and communication broke down. After every prediction I made about him came true and he broke up with her, she came back. To her credit, that was five years ago. She's had many boyfriends since then and she has never hid who she is (or who her friends are) from any of them.
I got drunk and muff punched his gram gram.
People hate me for what I know about them: their secrets, their weaknesses.
One of the first guys I met in a bar when I first moved to town, both just out of college. Never sexual, but very close. We traveled together, P-Town, Fire Island, etc., but over the years, I began sticking closer to home, socializing with local friends who he found boring, and working at my career. He, meanwhile, developed this obnoxious A-Gay clone persona which I found especially tiresome for somebody approaching forty
Then I met somebody online, tall, blond handsome and very nice. I'd had a lot of friends blow me off once they began seeing someone, so I was determined that it wouldn't happen to me. But as my relationship developed, he became really hostile toward my guy, even started referring to him as "Lurch." At that point, I just stopped contacting him.
A couple of months later, he texted me to ask what was wrong. I replied that he'd become more trouble than he was worth. Punched and deleted.
I was going through a lot of issues with my family and all I wanted was some privacy. One of my friends would constantly pry and wanted us to continue our regular phone conversations about trivial gay stuff - and particularly HIS life. I was going through all sorts of shit and I couldn't deal with his problems being his therapist when I had my own things to deal with. He then gets upset that I don't "lean on him" when I have problems like "friends should." When I realized that he would never give me privacy and that he needed to be constantly validated (aka 'needy') I told him I wished him well but I didn't want to be friends anymore.
When you retire from a long held job, and even though you may have worked with some of the same people for decades, even these friendships will start to fade sooner than you think, especially if the old friends are still on the job.
I'm very gregarious but I now know that friends come and go. You see that as you get older the meaning of "friend" becomes less superficial and more meaningful. Growing up, "friends" were ones you went to school with (classmates) or play-neighbors, sports team mates, etc. Then co-workers become "friends." Friends come and go and these relationships are fluid - its not like you "marry" your friend. I never believed my elders when they said that the number of true friends you should be able to count by only one hand. They were right.
I work in a job which has "Code of Conduct" guidelines. My friend violated it in a huge way when she crossed the line and abused her position of authority by getting involved with a client. I had noticed that prior to that she was getting more and more odd and I thought she might be bi-polar. However, there was no way i could excuse what she did. It came out of left field.
I was dropped by a friend (let's call him Jack) whose boyfriend/partner (Brady) decided that I wasn't worth keeping.
Brady didn't like me because I am best friends (from college) with a guy who Jack dated briefly in college.
Yes, that's the reason. That silly, that absurd.
And how did I get dumped? Invited Jack to a birthday party. He accepted. Then was a no-show. Then disappeared. No explanation, no call, nada.
Jack and Brady moved to another city. Then, unsurprisingly, they broke up. Jack has moved back. But I never heard from him again.
The whole affair surprised and upset me. I'm loyal, kind, trustworthy. And I have the long-term friendships to prove it.
Perhaps, yes, he just didn't want to be friends with me anymore, and didn't want to tell me. So he just went away. I'm sorry he felt that way, and if I did something to disappoint him, I wish I knew what it was. I still think of him fondly and wish him the best.
What r32 says. Most work-based friendships slip away quickly once one of you leaves the company. A work buddy might remain as a contact but rarely a friend.
I was in a guy's wedding about 20 years ago because we had been pretty tight when we both lived on the Coast.
Then we both moved to other states and got on with our lives. Then a few years ago I moved back to my hometown where he now lives with his family.
In the intervening years, he got on the fast track as a hotshot partner in a prestigious, multifloor-in-a-big-office-tower law firm, and now earns megabucks.
I moved back here because I decided to retire among family.
We tried to resume our friendship … but too much water has flowed under the dam, it now seems.
No big blow-up, just not much in common any longer -- only some wild times in our salad days.
Sometimes there's too much "try" in a relationship. At a certain point you realize that you've outgrown the relationship. Maybe it's exhausting to be the person you have to be when you're with them.
Maybe you have to be "in the right mood" to even pick up the phone to call them. So at some point you just drift apart. They weren't who you needed them to be, and you weren't who they needed you to be.
The painful part is when only one of you becomes aware of that. It usually ends up hurting someone's feelings. That's the downside, because no one really deliberately hurts someone else's feelings.
I guess there are all kinds of friends. There's the BFF who will always be a part of your life. Those are rare. There are other kinds of friends who are "work" friends, or school friends, or neighbor-friends. Sometimes you'll join a group and become friendly thru common interests. But those transitional friends are people you eventually outgrow.
I lost a best friend after lending her some money. When the time to pay had long come and gone, I mentioned it. I received a check for the whole amount but never heard from her again. (Wouldn't return calls, emails, etc.) That was a valuable lesson.
When my mother was dying an extremely painful, protracted, undignified death and I was in abject misery for many months, a lot of people dropped away. I don't blame them but good riddance. Going through a tragedy really shows you who your friends are.
Incessant need to talk about baby, husband, diets, recipes, etc. Incessant talking about self.
Stopped doing drugs and clubbing, you may as well not exist any more for those who are still in that scene.
She developed a hideous and pervasive odor.
A friend of mine would make snide remarks and take mean, spiteful potshots at me in front of people I was dating. After one episode I confronted her and warned her never to do it again or I would drop her flat. She did and I did.
A friend of mine whom I had a physical and emotional affair with has recently become famous. He has a married friend who left his wife and is now gay and is in love with him. He has done everything to keep my friend to himself, like inventing crisis after crisis in order to dominate my friend's time. A columnist who knows nothing about our past asked if this actor was dating this other guy. I said no, and in fact supplied the name of his co star as a love interest. This other person, a banker, has hinted to others that he and the star are lovers. They are not. the other guy is less than average on a good day. He has done his best to ruin my friendship with the star. As time went on and my friendship with the star grew distant, I lost interest in dealing with the nonsense that accompanies a new star. The tension outweighed the pleasure of his company, and the friendship was reduced to texts. i decided the pain of loss won over the desire to cling to a past friendship, so I said good bye to him and I left the friendship.
R44, that was boring, confusing and too long. We just wanna know who "the star" is!
r44 -- What!?
I had a very successful boyfriend who worked in fashion. We were together for about 8 years. I met his friends, and over time they became my friends. I even became close to two or three of them. Or so I thought.
When he started cheating on me in year 6.5, I noticed a certain coolness from some, but not the two or three I was closest to. But when we broke up, those fuckers wouldn't even return my phone calls. I went back to school, I'm a successful investment banker now, and that's the best "Fuck you" I can think of. Success is my revenge.
In the mid-90s, a co-worker friend and I were renting a house at the NJ Shore for a week in July. It was costing us $1k each for the week. She had all the connections and made the arrangements.
About a month before we were supposed to go, she met a rich, Wall Street-type who was much older than she. We had already each paid the $500 deposit. Two weeks before we pay the remainder, she calls me to make sure I still want to go (red flag, right?). I say yes; she says OK and we pay the balance.
The week BEFORE we're supposed to leave she says she's not going. Her rich boyfriend wants to take her somewhere!! She tells me to go ahead and go since the place is paid for. I read her the riot act but I went with my sister and we had a pretty shitty time. LBI is no fun when its overcast/rainy for the entire week. We did have fun by buying a different bottle of wine each night and having a wine tasting. When I returned to work, I never spoke to her again.
I just saw this friend a couple months ago. She's a soccer mom now. Three kids, a husband who works in IT and works from home and a late model beat up minivan. While we were talking, I made sure she saw my Birkin bag as I fished my Benz keys out of it.
What's a Birkin bag? What do Benz keys look like?
Your gamesmanship would be lost on me.
Please post pix so I'll know in future I'm being dissed
"She asked me what I thought of her asshole fiance. I tried to avoid answering but she pressed me so I told the truth. That led to a cessation of communication. Ultimately the engagement was broken for reasons I never learned."
Did she attempt a reconciliation with you after that?
I have an ex-friend who stalks me here on DL because I made the mistake of telling her about this place a few years ago. She is narcissistic, racist, a liar, a thief, a twisted "Single Wife Female"-style life mimic (is that kind of behavior considered part of the BPD spectrum?) and, clearly, a stalker. She also doesn't seem to understand that our friendship is long over and will never be rekindled. I wish her all the best in life, but it's time for her to give up and move on.
One of my oldest friends who was practically like family, flipped out on me a few months ago because I didn't call her on her 30th birthday. I texted her, posted on her facebook page, and bought her a gift and card that I was planning on giving her that upcoming weekend when I would see her. She lost her mind, sent me all these vicious texts where she called me a cunt, told me to die, etc. She sent the texts to my partner, too. She's always had a bad temper, but this shit was bananas. I'm very close with her sister and the rest of her family, but I don't care if I never speak to her again.
Yikes. "Single White Female, " that is.
The most common reason has turned out to be friction between me and a friend or family member's spouse or partner.
Either they dislike me or I dislike them.
I moved cross-country to live with my best friend. When I showed up at her door high on drugs, she was not amused and called the whole thing off. We haven't spoken in six years! In hindsight, I don't blame her. Although, if the tables were turned, I wouldn't have done the same thing to her...
Just said goodbye to one because he thinks being married with kids means he can not show up when we've made plans and not even call or text before, during, or after the event in question. He said flat-out that I have no right to expect the simple courtesy of a heads up that he won't or can't make it and that in fact by expressing my dissatisfaction I was being controlling. Mentally crossed him off my list then and there. Expected to miss him more than I do.
Because I feel in love with him.
No, not love.
But it felt like that.
I shat in their sink.
R42 But I *tried* to make it go away!
R56, I had a friend exactly like that! His name isn't Joel, is it?
R60 No. Apparently there's more than one like him out there. Feh.
[quote]I just saw this friend a couple months ago. She's a soccer mom now. Three kids, a husband who works in IT and works from home and a late model beat up minivan. While we were talking, I made sure she saw my Birkin bag as I fished my Benz keys out of it.
How sad that the only thing you had to brag about was your possessions.
R56 has the compression of a good very short story. Says a lot with a little, and provokes curiosity. What a busy little arc! Bravo.
This is odd, but perhaps another DLer can relate --
I think I am losing a friend to his grandson.
He's a recent grandfather for the first time and seemingly cannot spend enough time with the kid now that he's walking and talking.
Prior to doing stuff with his grandson, we used to have a meal at least once a week together, go fishing, hit the hardware stores, etc. We're both fairly recent retirees. His ex-wife lives the next town over.
Oh well ....
Sounds a lot like my story R14. He went Hollywood and I had to go...He's since made half assed efforts to reconcile; I just ignore him.
We're the same age (mid-30s), but he hangs out with a bunch of teenagers and 20 year olds. I just got to find it creepy so I distanced myself from him.
Two months and 67 posts, and I'm the first to say AIDS? Lucky you guys.
Friend is one of those 'nice'-seeming manipulators. I called him out on it a while back and rather than own up to it (what he was trying to do was blatant) and apologizing, he has said nothing. Not one thing. I think I'm done with this person. He cannot, apparently, take the least bit of criticism.
I got a good friend a job at the place where I worked for ten years. A very small company with two departments, He in one, I in the other, but we all worked in a common area, saw him every day, hung out all the time.
About two years in, I get a call at 11:00 at night from him saying the boss wasn't on vacation, he went to another state and sold off my department and tomorrow when we get in, my department is all gone immediately. He told me he had known for months but was told to not say anything. Then the next day after I left, he told my remaining dept people who hadn't left yet that I had known, I guess to deflect the guilt that he was staying. I got lots of angry calls about not warning anyone. Never spoke to him again despite days of calling.
And to add to the injury, while the boss was "on vacation" our very expensive laser printer (this was the 90's) broke and I was going to Kinkos at 4:00 in the morning in NYC by myself to print the days work and he knew I was doing this and getting canned at the end of the week.
Apparently telling our co-workers that she blows the maintenance man during lunch hour was "unforgivable." Shit, if it was me getting that dick I'd want the whole world to know!
Whatever. She always has shitty drugs anyway.
[r65]I very nearly lost a friend to a similar situation, except he got all wrapped up a kid who was growing up without a father. He basically started building his whole life around this kid. Don't get me wrong -- there wasn't anything creepy going on. But all of a sudden, Paul was gone from my life because he had to be there for Justin all the time. I'm still friends with Paul and we live in different states, so I no longer feel the immediate impact of the arrival of Justin in his life. Justin's grown up, now, and on his own, anyway. It was a good thing that Paul did, but he left everyone else in his life behind in order to do it. Seems weird to me.
I hear you Julie. I can't stand all the fucking stupid secrets my friends have. It's not like it would hurt your reputation to have it all known!
People are never realistic about what their reputation really is.
In High School, a new girl started Freshman Year (small city with a stable population so we knew everyone all through elementary and Jr High). She was a royal bitch. Judgmental, uppity, snobby, pretentious, and lived by the rule "Jump down other people's throats before they jump down yours."
Me and some friends loved to hate on her. She was a horrible person.
But something happened, and after a year or two, she thawed. And she sort of fell into my friend group. Even ended up dating one of my best friends. Became a close friend in College. Went from outspoken homophobe to fag hag & very supportive. We eventually got really close.
She got married and divorce and married again. When she left her last husband, she went back to law school. Her father, a horrible person much like she was when I first met her, was a lawyer, and always belittled her for her liberal arts degrees and such (also belittled her appearance, and bought her fake boobs for her 18th birthday). I always hated him. But now that she was going to law school, suddenly not only did he like her, but she liked him.
And she became him. Or rather, reverted to the horribly judgmental, snobby, elitist asshole she was when I first met her.
It got to the point where we couldn't even have a conversation because all she'd do was sneer and put me down. I distanced myself. Even on Facebook, I couldn't even comment without some sort of attack coming back. Emails dwindled to nothing, and I finally unfriended her on facebook and blocked her on twitter. We now have zero contact. I no longer even have an address (email or physical) to contact her with even if I wanted to.
It's sad, because for a solid decade and a half, easily, she was one of my very best friends.
1. fucking cunt never showed up
always yeah i'm coming to lunch, movie etc then just no show. no phone call, text, email.
nothing bye bitch.
2. fucking cunt wanted my cd collection
i was like fuck you its my property. guess what? didn't want to be my friend anymore.
that's why women suck.
The crepuscular sun set over the bones she had now regurgitated.
There will be times when you'll never know the real reason a friendship faded and died.
Well said, r79.
>> Me and some friends loved to hate on her.
I met her working at a shitty job doing political surveys in the mid'80s in NY and we became great friends and somehow managed to consider ourselves friends until Nov. 3, 2008.
This is someone who continually fucked up her life in so many ways and was a professional victim. I spent DECADES rescuing her. The first egregious thing she did to me was moving out of our shared apt. with NO notice leaving me with back rent I couldn't afford because she got offered a job in another state. I forgave her. And I paid her rent when she discovered the "job" was a scam and she never received any salary. Boy was I stupid.
For the next 20 years or so, we remained friends, despite the distance. I visited her numerous times and I wasted hours on the phone with her. I also lost more money than I can admit to in loans that she never repaid. She always claimed to be a liberal and insisted she was gay-friendly but clearly resented it when I found the man of my dreams and actually dared to allow myself to be HAPPY.
In 2007, my dad died after a terrible illness. On the night he passed, I called to tell her that had finally passed: she offered NO condolences or support at all. In fact, she was so BORED with the conversation that she simply started filling me in on the latest "juicy" gossip about Brittany Spears meltdown. That's when I knew we were not friends then, nor had we ever been really friends and I felt stupid, and really hurt. I avoided her for the next year, but remained polite and reasonably friendly when she'd called or email. I don't know why.
Just before the 2008 elections she called to find out how much money I had donated to the Obama campaign and how much time was I volunteering for him. I explained that Obama was going to win California easily so I was donating all my time and political donations to stop Prop 8 because that felt incredibly urgent to me. She called me "selfish", and a "self-centered, bitter, middle-aged man who didn't care about anything but my own little problems" and said that I was too stupid to understand that Obama was going to save the gays anyway.
That was the last communication I ever allowed. I feel particularly good that I never even responded. I shut it down and I won't budge. She's emailed several times (as if nothing ever happened) and even reached out to my husband about 2 weeks ago to see how we were doing. We will not bother to ever reply. DONE. I didn't even waste the energy to punch and delete her from my cellphone, LOL. That's just another a phone number I'll never call again.
tldr, r82. LOL
There's a couple I considered really good friends. But I haven't seen them since last Christmas. I've emailed them over 10 times inviting them to dinner or even lunch (they are retired but still young). When one of them calls, I invite them and the response is usually "OK, we'll get back to you". But they never do. But when they need a favor, they call me right away.
Anyway, I've officially closed the door on the friendship now. Screw them.
I lost a friend of 17 years a couple of days ago. I have changed and become more assertive, and she wasn't able to handle that change. We - lamely - ended the friendship by email.
And yet that's frustrating R79, because typically it will be idle gossip by third parties that isn't true.
R82, it doesn't seem like you two were ever really friends. She sounds like a cunt!
R14, R66, It seems as if it's the actors. I'm shutting down what I thought was a friendship for a little over 10 years. Bottom line I realized that I have been used. I'm older than he and make MUCH more money than he does. We had traveled twice together before and have had a great time. The first time was to stay at his place of which I picked up a lot of the expenses because I was staying at his place for free and he was spending a lot for gas showing me around. The second time I was on a business trip and called him up last minute to join me. I picked up a lot of those expenses there because it was last minute and I was not aware of his financial situation. The third time we PLANNED a trip together. Interesting.... Let's say I paid for a vacation of which I had no intents of paying for especially since I was ignored (in a sense) while we were there. I brought this to his attention (of which he apologized and realized what he had done) and I was more than willing to move on but during our later communications I got the hint, "don't call me. I'll call you." I suppose it was his guilt? Anyway, upon reflection of our years together, I realized that this person doesn't even know anything about me. He doesn't know my birthday (not that I'm big on that stuff), family etc. I realized that he only time he gets in contact with me is if he needed something or wanted support for some project in some way. I then concluded "no." He has tacitly tried to contact me--one call left on my VM when he knew I would not be in my office. Friends of his (that I have met) reach out to me with the most ridiculous types of conversation and FaceBook, asking me to "like" his page. I haven't really responded to any of these. Either he feels too guilty and ashamed to contact me directly or, he realizes what a FUCKING huge mistake it was to screw over someone with a wallet like mine and let them get away!
I lost one friend to her addiction to her various digital devices.
Had brunch with a friend who went on a tirade that she was going to do something very vengeful and harmful to a family member who had crossed another family member. Advised her mildly not to.
Later I got an FB message telling me "Never, never to give unsolicited advice."
I can't promise that, so I guess we're done.
He came to me one night for help, and I thought he was a burglar or home invader rapist and shot him with me Glock!
Yea, I stopped paying the bitch's bills.
[quote] 2. I thought he was asking for advice when he was actually venting
This is a mistake a lot of people make.
Come right out and ask someone if you're not sure.
A friend of my husband's is super-annoying because she thinks she can solve any problem and when someone is merely venting, she starts inquiring "Have you tried this? Or what about this? Did you do this or that?"
Just be sympathetic. Not everyone who complains about weight gain, eg, wants to be closely quizzed about their diet, activity, medications, hormone levels, stressors, familial history, etc and then be given detailed advice about the latest fad diet.
They're just wishing it hadn't happened. If they want to lose weight, they'll eventually do it.
Be especially careful about relationship venting. "Aw, I'm sorry, honey. I hope it works out, " is my all purpose response.
When my best friend's husband finished his medical residency and got a position with a medical practice headed up by a doctor from a prominent NYC family, suddenly my calls went unanswered. This after years of practically living out of each other's pockets in downtown NY before it gentrified.
I was one of those victims of gentrification, lol. But it hurt. I thought we were BFFs,
I see they now live in some third tier city down south where hubby is the big fish in the small pond and they own the most expensive house in town. They're rolling in money.
A difference of opinion about Mariano Rivera. Believing in his greatness, I was on the side of the angels.
r93's post is really depressing. I cannot believe that people actually need advice about how to maintain friendships. How sad the culture has become.
I lost a lifelong friend due to my self-involvement. That really sucked. I didn't realize I was so difficult.
I lost a group of friends because of one choice I made that was outside of their value system. In retrospect, I shouldn't have made that choice, but it was a bummer to lose an entire circle.
What was that choice, R97? Did it involve drugs or alcohol? Or anything illegal? Was it politics?
Friendship lessons so far:
1. Never give unsolicited advice.
2. Be very diplomatic with solicited advice.
3. Don't lend money; give it if you must.
4. Don't betray confidences. Don't talk about friend to anyone else, especially friends in common.
5. Never criticize boyfriends, spouses, parents, and never, ever, ever criticize children.
6. Don't expect too much from friends. No one is perfect.
There sure seems to be a lot of lesbians posting on this thread. I don't understand why, this is suppose to be a gay mens website. Can't you lesbians stick to posting on your own site.
I just cancel friendships like the networks cancel shows.
I only have one real friend (my partner over 10 years) and a couple that I've been drifting apart from for the last 5 years. I've lost count of all the people I've befriended who moved either across the country or moved down south.
I don't see what's so depressing about R93's post. I've never broken off a friendship over it but he brings up a good point about the difference between venting and asking for advice. Advice givers can be annoying. I know they mean well and sometimes the advice is good but most of the time, I know what the options are. I'm an adult. Sometimes I just need to vent.
Most of my lost friendships have been situational. People move away or change jobs. People in couples tend to dump single friends. When couples split up, sometimes they distance themselves from other couple friends. Losing touch with friends can be due to embarrassment or depression - losing a job, not having money to go out, gaining a lot of weight, things like that.
"Oh my God. I'm back. I'm home. All the time, it was... We finally really did it ... You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"
We are switching to the new platform for The DataLounge this weekend. All of our mobile users have been using it for over a week and all first time users have been using it for about a month - which adds up to well over one million users. So we're ready to end this phase of the testing and move everybody to the new site. (more)
And yes, we've changed the look and some of how it operates.
Yes, we know you just *hate* it in well in advance.
Yes, we know we suck.
Yes, we are the biggest suckers that ever sucked.
But it was time for a change and with the huge shift to mobile it was long overdue. We've taken this opportunity not only to update the look but also make major changes under the hood (or "bonnet" if you're either British or pretentious or both). And we have to prepare for 2016 - a presidential election year where we can normally expect to see a 60% jump in traffic (yes, we've seen 5 presidential elections so far…Christ we're old).
The site has a bunch - nay, plethora - of new features which will make the site more usable: better search, the ability to ignore posters and threads, see link previews, to pick up a thread where you left off, spam and malware filtering and more.
If you want you can go explore and see for yourself, Click here.
And while running the tests we've noticed two interesting reactions to the new system - people are spending more time on the site and more people that come stay around longer and look at more stuff. Both good things. Yay!
Possibly we've not slain all the dragons and there will be issues that come up during the switchover. There's a help button in the lower right hand corner of the page which you can use to send us bug reports.
Please include as much information about the hardware (PC, Mac, Tablet, Phone etc), operating system (Windows, Mac OS, Android, iOS etc) and browser (Chrome, Safari, Opera, Internet Explorer etc) that you are using as possible to help us replicate and fix the problem.
Please note that complaints about colors, fonts, icons and the like are not "bugs" - they are design choices that we've made and we expect one or two cases of world-class bitching. But they won't actually cause headaches, scurvy, heart attacks, Restless Leg Syndrome, Morgellon's Disease or the vapors (but have your smelling salts at hand just in case).
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