I am looking for some advice about something that is, for me, kind of serious.
Several months ago I posted in a thread about good-looking straight men who like attention from anyone, including gay men. In that thread I commented about a man I've known through work for almost 10 years.
Without going into too many specifics, he and I work in the same building. He owns a business that provides an ongoing service to my firm, so I see him practically every day. He just turned 33 and I will be 44 in October. We're both into fitness and nutrition and we belong to the same gym. He’s been married twice and has five children. I know his wife and kids well.
This guy is just incredibly hot. He's blond, over 6 feet tall and built like a prize fighter. He's very much aware of his looks and will talk candidly about how he’s used them to his advantage in business. Although not formally educated, he's quite adept at business and has become very successful in his field.
I'm pretty much the quintessential nice guy, and I have the reputation for that in the workplace. I also have the reputation for being very, very good at what I do, and my friend gets off on that. One night over dinner, he looked at me and said, "I want your reputation. You kick ass but you're nice about it."
I won't lie and say that this guy hasn't starred in many of my fantasies over the years…but that's just it--they've all been fantasies. Lately though the dynamic has changed, and I know that if I wanted to make the first move, this guy would be open to something.
It’s weird, the knowledge that you can actually have something that you never thought you could.
There’s never been a shortage of good looking guys in my life, but never anything like this situation.
The thing is, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to pass up a great experience, but morally I’d feel like shit afterwards. He’s married with kids.
But I can’t get him out of my head and this has been going on for a while.
I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but I honestly don’t think I would.
This is keeping me up at night.
I'm embarrassed to say that I think I'm posting this because I want people to tell me to just fucking do it.
0/10. Zzzzzz after third sentence.
[quote]I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but I honestly don’t think I would.
If you're not ok with the possibility of losing him as a friend, or the possible professional consequences if someone finds out, then don't do it. If you dont care or the consequences would be limited, then go for it.
please don't be another one of "those gays" aka the kind who target other gay or bi men who are married with kids. You'll make us look bad and you'll feel like the biggest loser ever after you go home and think about it. You're clearly not a stupid guy so act with your big head, not your genital one.
Leave him alone. He's married.
Nothing good will come from this. I promise you, based on all that you have said.
You work in the same profession. You have a sterling reputation. At only 33, he is twice and currently married with too many children.
This tells me all I need to know. You should know it too.
I've been there. I escalated it to a very satisfying sexual relationship, though it was short term.
Are you stalking him on FB yet?
Don't shit where you eat.
33 with 5 kids? Trash. Should be right up
your alley, OP.
The dudes straight - stop thinking with your cock and use your brain. You're 44 - you should be able to manage it.
[quote]5 kids at 33 is repulsive.
No, it just means he has life changing dick. OP is looking for good sex, not a life partner. Hey, OP, at least you can't get pregnant!
Are you OK with losing your job over this, OP? Because if the wife finds out, she will bring all 15 kids to the office and make a scene... mark my words.
Aren't you the OP of both the "I fucked around with my bf's ex last night" and "HR wants to see me, presumably over some stupid email I wrote" threads? I could tell just from your writing style.
No R19, I am not. That distinct honor lies with someone else, I'm afraid.
See, the thing is, I'm a little pissed, and I mean that two-fold. For one, this situation has me drinking way more than I normally do, so forgive any inadequacy in my prose. I don't want to be compared to any other poor, unhappy fucker.
I want to claim all my unhappiness as my very own and no one else's.
And secondly, I'm just pissed at the universe in an overall general kind of way. I'm in my goddam forties, a relatively decent guy, successful, educated, all that, but I'm alone.
I can go get laid if I want, quite easily, too I might add, but that's not what I'm looking for.
I always thought after I got my career situated a partner would show up. So far, that ain't happening.
I don't know.
This "thing" with my friend started escalating with innuendo and want not, and I fucking know he's just sitting there waiting for me to make a move.
It's not that it would be a forever thing; it would just be a . . . a "thing."
I just don't want to be that guy.
Then again, I don't want to be the Steadfast Tin Soldier, my life over and me unfulfilled because I was too scared, too noble, too whatever, to open my mouth.
Jesus, there has to be something in the middle . . . something in between fucking a married man and . . . this.
I know it isn't a romantically "just" universe, but the revelation that I may very well be alone for the rest of my life is oddly unsettling.
I like my own company, and I have more friends than most . . . I guess . . I guess I'm just discovering that I just want more.
And somehow I've managed to parlay that "want" into fucking around with a married guy and a sob story on Datalounge.
My cup runneth over.
Literally. I just spilled wine everywhere.
Time for me to go.
I'm not sorry but I just don't know any men who are decent guys, successful, have lots of friends and could get laid quite easily (actually I don't know that many gay men who use the phrase "could get laid") who don't have partners. If they don't it's because they don't want one.
My guess would be your obsession with 33 year old straight men is turning off any potential partners. Maybe the fact you seem to think the universe owes you a bf is also a problem.
Stop your whining. Go ahead and start fucking out gay men until you fall in love with one. It's pretty simple and lots of fun.
I love how people have to point out how others are successful, although not "formally educated". Presumptuous cunts. Tell that to Anna Wintour and countless others who step over arrogant a-holes like the OP.
What has he said that you're hearing as innuendos? You could be reading him wrong because you're horny.
I can relate to this. I developed an infatuation for a man that I worked with over the course of two years. He was married with one kid and another on the way. There were times I really believed he was bisexual and interested in exploring his gay side.
OP, my advice is to go all or nothing. By that I mean either start avoiding him completely so you don't have to interact with him (and can get over your feelings for him), or spend a lot of time with him so you can see what he is really like.
That's what it took for me to get over my infatuation. I actually spent more time with this guy and got to see more of him with his wife and kids. I figured out that he's just an extrovert who likes attention from everybody. He really loves his wife and has no intention of breaking up his family just so he can satisfy his bi-curiosity (which was completely imagined because of my infatuation for him).
Stop making up stories in your head and start getting on with your life.
R22 Wintour is the definition of ARROGANT!! Bitch thinks her taste in fashion is above the rest of us. Puh-lease.
OP-since you got money, hire a matchmaker, sign up for those dating sites. Go to high-end gay clubs and lounges to meet classy gays. Don't be a homewreckin' ho.
Listen to R24! He is probably an extrovert ....before u even make a move, are you sure he is flirting with you? He probably just likes your attention...
You missed my point. Wintour is arrogant but very intelligent. She's not formally educated, either. Karl Rove, although a dink, is a college drop-out and spars with peers who are ivy league educated. Point is, there is a big difference between intellect and education. Bachmann and Palin are formally educated and are complete half-wits.
Agreed. R24 just passed along some of the most useful advice I've ever read here. Use it!
R22. I didn't mean to offend. I'm a lawyer and my friend doesn't have a college degree. In spite of that he owns an extremely successful business. He started his business at 22 and I watched it become more and more successful.
I'm proud of him and my intention was to praise him, not to point out anything that might be viewed as negative or as a deficiency.
I apologize if that didn't come across in my other posts.
And to the others . . . I'm not obsessed with this guy. I like him, and I certainly think he's good looking, but if he came to me tomorrow and said he was leaving his wife, I'd tell him no way.
And I'm not mis-reading his intentions. He sent me a text Friday night that said, "Can't we just fucking DO IT!!!???"
Every time he gets drunk, I end up with texts like that, or ones that flirt.
There's no misunderstanding.
Even so, I'm not going to follow through.
Don't fuck up his family. Have some decency.
I just looked because I wanted to be accurate. Over the course of eight months, I have almost, not quite, but almost, five hundred texts.
Get a blog.
OP, I was in a similar situation a few years ago. And like you, I decided not to follow through, although I agonized about it for a while. I don't regret my decision. In the long-term, I feel very much like I did the right thing, for him and for me.
500 texts in 8 months from someone who's just a colleague = cray cray. Stay away. He's a stalker waiting to happen.
He wants to do it. So do it.
Gee, maybe if you got a blog you could share all your stupid fantasies with the world. Oh, wait...
There is nothing wrong with having 5 kids, it isn't repulsive and he isn't trash for that reason...get over yourselves. And no, I'm not a frau. The reason you shouldn't mess around with this guy is that he is married and you work with him. It won't end well. I'm sorry for the situation you are in, but somewhere out there is a single guy waiting for you. Be patient and it'll happen when you aren't expecting it to. In the meantime keep enjoying the single life.
The benefit of being a man, especially a gay man, is that you can act on your wishes with little trouble. Just do it...you are not cheating on anyone.
OP, after pondering your situation, and weighing the consequences of your actions (to your career and reputation), it occurred to me that the outcome of this will not effect me in any way whatsoever.
So I say: Go for it!
And remember to report back the details of your first sexual encounter with this hot guy!
OP, Even though I don't think you should do it, if you do do it, I agree with R39 in that you need to tell us about it.
Do it! Maybe it's just a one-time thing that he wants to try to see what it's like. I doubt it will become a LTR. But so what?
You're not breaking up his family and you're fulfilling a fantasy. Try it! Life is short. Don't fill it with regrets.
OP, since you said your birthday is in October, you're a nice guy, and a great lawyer, I'm going to take a stab in the dark and guess you are a Libra.
If you are, please don't kid yourself. You know you want love and romance not random hookups with a straight/bi married guy who will never return your affection the way you want someone to. Hold out for someone who wants to be with you and only you and isn't ashamed to admit it.
Seriously, you deserve better. You are just going to get hurt. Tell him to knock off the drunk texting unless he's planning to come out of the closet and leave his wife and be monogamous with you. What he's doing is not fair to you, and even though it wouldn't totally be your fault, you will feel so guilty if his wife or children are hurt because of something you were involved in.
Lots of great guys out there. Pick one who's single and out of the closet.
You're exactly why people hate faggots. I hope the wife finds you and shoots you to death
Is OP the same one who posted in another thread not too long ago about all the little games he had with a straight colleague, and poking him in the chest saying "we'll continue this later"?
Leaving out him texting 'can we just do it' from the first post stinks of EST though.
R43, what you send out into the world comes back at you so remember that when you die your violent death. You wished for it.
I want you to read this twice, so here goes:
It's only as you make your life full that dysfunctional options become unappealing.
OP, the problem is you have this gorgeous out-of-limits opportunity dangling constantly in front of you. The problem is you have (maybe without meaning to) put all your relationship energy into this guy, most likely because you are not diluting your sex and love focus with other perfectly good guys.
I actually have a bad feeling about this guy. I'm not saying you're wrong, per se, for fucking a married guy. That's up to you. But I do think the ramifications could be big and really uncomfortable for you. Maybe this guy is gay and wants to explore and come to terms with that, with your sexual and emotional help. I see anything like this going quite poorly for you (mind you, I am not blinded by his hotness and charm so I can cut through the shit). I really think he is not good for you (unless he does his own looking within and leaves his marriage all on his own). The only way I could encourage you to go for broke with the straight, married colleague with 5 expensive lifetime obligations sitting at home, who could ruin your career - and that's a biggie- is if you have a deep knowing in your gut that he is the love of your life. Frankly, I'm not seeing that from what you said.
My advice is to step away. Take a breather from his charm and sexual tension so you can get some perspective. Put your energy into finding a guy who is ready for you. Are you British? Are you reserved and do you struggle with intimacy and that's why you are so attracted to an unavailable guy? You should put all your focus on fixing that, if so, and focus on dating out guys who would love a wonderful nice guy like you. You will find, after a few tricks, or by pursuing a REAL romance and sex life, that things shift with your colleague.
It's only as you make your life full that a dysfunctional option becomes unappealing.
You deserve better.
[quote] Jesus, there has to be something in the middle . . . something in between fucking a married man and . . . this.
No, I'm not saying that in a judgemental way. You need to take a really close look at your self esteem and ask why you're going after a married man who is unavailable - beyond a possible blow job that will just have you more addicted to his drama and his dick.
I suspect you're afraid of being in a real relationship, or afraid of rejection in trying to find one, so a melodramatic soap opera of a fuck bud is pulling you in like a fire fly.
Do as you want - but think about what you're doing.
why is this even a question you low down bitch. HES MARRIED. are u willing to be the whore or not? fuckin answer that then DO what ur gonna do. ur pathetic.
let it go. there are plenty of low drama men out there, if you're drinking over this situation then it's time to step away from prime time soap land and calm down. detach from this obsession for your own good.
Can't imagine why you think you're not obsessed with him. Please...for your own self-respect, don't do it.
You are a lawyer. The outcome is predetermined.
Bend... and snap!
What R24 and R33 said.
I'm a hag; my BFF of 37 years(yes, we're old) is a gay guy; he sort of (though the married guy was 10 years older than him; followed the scenario you outline (over 15 years ago), did what you, OP, are contemplating; nothing good came of it. He was 2 years trying to get the guy (wife found out; aaack; 1 kid, not 5) to speak to him. Eventually they repaired their friendship, but at quite a cost.
Keep it as fantasy; you will BOTH be better off.
1. You may have misunderstood the signs. He might not be interested in you in that way at all.
2. Do you not care about your professional reputation?
3. Do you not care about your friendship.
4. You should care about his wife and kids
It's pretty obvious isn't it? ... do nothing.
Of course, if he separates from the wife and opens up to you ... that's a whole different story.
He's been married twice and 5 kids. Odds are he'll get divorced again and have more kids. So why not bone down? But really maybe he thinks you can help him get ahead somehow and is using his looks to do it? So there's a risk you'll end up in a work situation like a cliche movie, where if he doesn't get his way he'll cause trouble.
Post more of his texts OP, let's see how serious he is. And have him text you some nudes and post them here, so we can see how serious you are about how hot he is. At that point, we can all decide collectively if you should bone him or not.
Damn, 44 years old and you need advice on what to do about this. You're an idiot. You need some serious help.
I image at age 54, you'll be moaning about the fact that you are single and alone and will have no idea why.
Excuse me but I'm a libra and I would not think
of going out with a married man. This guy will play You aand nine times out of ten stay with His wife so He doesn't have to pay alimony or child support. He sounds conceited to if you consider ''the men even look' at him. Good Luck
Do what r46 stated. Give it a rest. Take a breather. In the long run you will be the better man by NOT giving in to his drunken texts. You will be at peace with your choice because it is a choice.
[quote]There is nothing wrong with having 5 kids, it isn't repulsive and he isn't trash for that reason...get over yourselves.
No, it is repulsive. He's 33 and has twice as many children as needed for population growth. The planet is already over-crowded. We don't need more children. This irresponsible ass should be using birth control. He should also be focusing on the kids he already has and the woman he's currently involved with.
It's trashy and irresponsible to have multiple children by multiple partners. It indicates poor judgement, poor impulse control, self-centeredness and a tendency for infidelity. I'm sorry your standards are so low that you see such actions as normal. We don't need to "get over" ourselves. You, on the other hand, are in desperate need of a clue.
Poor R43's husband left her for another man, while she is old, fat and saddled with the kids.
Does he have a blond, hairy asshole? If so, yummy, go for it!
So let me get this straight. This dude:
- Has used his good looks to advance in the cutthroat business world.
- Has expressed professional jealousy of you.
- Has led you to believe that he'd be receptive to NSA sex, despite his marriage and kids.
C'mon OP, put it together. He's attempting to acquire power over you using his looks, just as he's always done. No way would this end well for you. Not worth it.
By maintaining a sexual relationship with him, it may keep him sexually satisfied so that he doesn't need a female, thus cutting back on the possibility of more children. You would be doing a good job for population control, OP.
You boast about your reputation, professionally and as a "quintessential nice guy."
Sleep with a married man, and you're going to have a whole new reputation.
what r 63 said. he's playing you. good luck with that.
[quote] Is OP the same one who posted in another thread not too long ago about all the little games he had with a straight colleague, and poking him in the chest saying "we'll continue this later"?
Thanks for remembering, however crudely inexact your retelling may be.
I want to thank you guys for your advice. Especially you, R46. Everyone who took the time to reply actually helped me, even if if was in an unintended way. (I think the response "die faggot" falls into that category.) However, your advice, R46, was particularly sagacious, and for it I'm truly in your debt.
I think right after turning forty I got off track, and you've drawn my attention to that.
I've always defined myself through work, and before work it was academics. I've also defined myself through my mirror.
My straight friend has been stroking my ego for a long time, and I know that. See, I was married for a very brief period, no more than a year, so there are some similarities.
Anyway, I wanted to say thanks to those who took the time.
I appreciate it.
And no, I'm not going to sleep with him.
Do you know his wife?
He doesn't want your reputation. He wants to ruin yours, people already know he's a shameless whore. If he can bring you down, he just puts another notch on his mental bedpost. He'd rather have this victory than be a good husband and father. All he cares about is himself. And you're just stupid and/or vain enough to fall for it.
Yes, I know his wife very well. She's extremely beautiful though I've always gotten the impression that she would leave him if something with more promise came along.
I could be wrong though.
What started all this--what's put me in sort of an emotional tailspin lately-- is that a month or so ago we were all at a sports bar, one that's on the ground floor of our building, and his wife was there.
My friend didn't have his car and asked me to give him a ride to his house to pick something up. It was about 8:00 pm and I agreed.
As I was waiting for him by the entrance I saw him talking to his wife, presumably telling her where we were going. Telling her seemed to take longer than I expected, and when we got in my car and drove a bit down the street, he said, "Sarah is probably wondering if someone is going to get a blowjob."
Right then and there I realized that he was being perfectly honest and it completely freaked me out. Not so much about him, but that his wife saw me as a threat.
That knowledge--the fact that this "thing" isn't contained to the two of us-- seems to have pushed me over the edge and freaked me out.
I got to quit thinking about this guy, or I'm going to make a colossal mistake.
Even if all miraculously worked out and I didn't get caught, I'd still know what I'd done. I'd have an impossibly difficult time reconciling that.
There's some truth to what you're saying, R71.
I've often thought that he sees me as a something to conquer.
I know it sounds conceited, but I have an amazingly good reputation in not just my building, but in the local legal community as well.
I've worked hard for that, and I've earned it.
Plus, I was blessed with good genes, and I've done everything possible to keep them good.
I work out like a dog.
We'll see what happens.
I don't want to lose him as a friend, but for now, I'm just trying to put the guy out of my head.
This thread is making me horny.
If you know the wife then you have to decide first whether you want to be a first class hussy? Do ya?
[quote]Sarah is probably wondering if someone is going to get a blowjob.
Missed opportunity: "How would she feel if someone did?"
OP, just hurry up and present hole.
If you don't sexualize your friendship in the first two months, forget about it. It's now a fantasy in your mind. You know WAYYYYY too much about the guy. total turn off. would've been better to bang him first and then find out about the wifey and kids. You blew it.
OP, thank you for the compliment. You made my day. I only wrote because so many were saying to go for it and I worried you'd go where the crowd leaned.
I'm 39, and lately I've been taking stock of my life: how far I've come, what goals I've missed, regrets, remaining possibilities, and what's no longer possible. It must be normal around this time of life. Seems you're having your version of it.
There are bound to be disappointments in how life has turned out so far. But things can always change for the better with focus and action toward what we really want. I don't mean to blow sunshine up your arse, but some things that feel so out of reach, really are possible to get. Life is funny in its pleasant surprises, and the changes we didn't think could occur. We never have to settle for something that won't truly bring us happiness.
I'm really glad you see his true nature. I feared mentioning he cares nothing for your best interests, in any blunt way, thinking you'd tune me out.
I know you want to maintain his friendship. Were I you, my personal/professional life would suddenly get busy for a short period of time while I pursued other men, giving myself a chance to get off the fantasy treadmill, and getting space from this guy temporarily until I got my head re-calibrated. Can you tell I've been there before?
I want to know what's going on with this. Have you fucked him yet?
If you are not trolling: You work with this guy and he's married. Find somebody else like an out bi/gay man or somebody who you don't work with.
Also it's always possible that this guy you are writing about is actually hetero.
[quote]The benefit of being a man, especially a gay man, is that you can act on your wishes with little trouble
I hope you are speaking for yourself. Ethics are important to some. You sound like someone I would not want to know.
I think this has been blown out of proportion. Two guys work together, they go out for a few drinks, and one blows the other.
It's not exactly the end of the world.
You forgot an important element, OP. You said you go to the same gym. I imagine you're both there sometimes. So... have you seen his dick? What's he working with? Feel free to describe it in detail, also his ass. And nipples. Thank you.
Where did you read that they sucked each other off R84?
I think R84 is saying OP should just go for it NSA and stop being such a big ole Mary! about it. I doesn't have to ruin anyone's life or alter their relationship.
[quote]This is keeping me up at night.
You are mentally fucking ill.
OP, you are 44 years old.
You are an adult. You're too old for this shit. I went through the same thing - when I was 20!
At any rate, he's married and just because his wife is a woman and you are a man does not mean it's not cheating.
OP, seriously, find someone like R46 to date.
You need someone who calls you on your bullshit from time to time, because to define yourself based on your career and your mirror, while human, is going to make you very fucking lonely in the long run.
Good luck. You made the correct decision (I hope you stuck to it).
Aside: R46, I hope someone (one guy) knows how cool you are. Brains and compassion... nice combo. You deserve a good partner.
Come on, OP. Update us. Have you sucked his cock yet?
I want to know.
Don't hold out on us.
Details are the spice of life.
Especially for us older DLers.
Pretty, pretty please?
Update, OP!!! Please! I'm tired of coming back here, only to be disappointed.
Please let us know what's going on.
Yes, op, if you're out there...please do update. I've wondered what you decided to do.
Yes, OP, tell us about the restraining order...
Jesus, I can't believe this thread is as long as it is.
I also can't believe how incredibly perceptive R46 was. I've been thinking about his advice ever since he posted it.
I've definitely been "diluting" my relationship energy with this guy over the last how-ever-many years. I didn't realize that I was doing that, but I most assuredly have been.
Anyway, my friend and I have talked a lot and he's going to be moving his business out of my building and into another, just as soon as he can find one he wants to buy.
To be honest, I'm insanely depressed about it. Both my assistants have noticed it and keep asking me if I'm okay.
I'm really tired of that.
My friend and I are supposed to grab "a quick bite to eat" tonight, and I'm sitting in my home office, just having showered and shaved, and I have that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, the kind you get when you know you're about to do something that's going to screw you.
I should cancel but I'm not.
I feel like shit knowing that he's moving, but I'm honestly not in love with the guy. I enjoy his company and we like a lot of the same stuff, but he doesn't get me in the way that I would want a partner to. I'll get slammed for saying this, but I think it's the disparity in our educations.
But, man, like he says, we have history together, you know? He keeps saying that we have this "thing," this friendship that runs deeper than he's never had with anyone else.
I keep telling myself it will get better after he moves.
But I don't know for sure. The fact of the matter is that I'm losing my best friend.
Anyway, that's what's going on.
You lost me at hello...friends response to your flirt
I have a feeling things are going to get hot tonight and leave OP even more confused and twitterpated..
Perhaps you should be open about your feelings with your friend but not act on your desires, even if he says "Let's go for it!" Would that work?