I want to have kids. I heard that when you reach forty and you don't have children, you are miserable. Thirties with children is awesome. I hope to have two children because if I only have one, he/she will be lonely and plus there are more chances that the only child will grow up to be a spoiled brat with poor social skills.
No. My kitchen window looks out over a school play area and every lunch time it sounds like WWIII is going on down there. I don't want that in my house.
I like children, my nieces and nephews specifically who are adorable, loud and crazy little people. I have the parenting gene. But I couldnt imagine having to do it 24/7, I guess its not a one man/woman job, being a parent. And they only stay small and innocent for a few years, and then they get personalities. Then they become teenagers and hate you. Right after that, you have to spend your life savings to send them to college if they want to go there. I don't think Ill ever have the patience or finances for it.
[quote]I heard that when you reach forty and you don't have children, you are miserable
From who? Maggie Gallagher?
Never wanted kids -- never.
I always tell people that I don't like kids until they hit 14-15, and they start to become people.
OP, I'm over 60 & have never regretted not having children. I do love animals & would be miserable if I couldn't raise & nurture them, but no desire to do that with humans. No doubt some people over 40 do wish they'd had children, but that experience is hardly universal.
My kids are grown, and I can assure you, they had the same personality they do now right from the start.
It's a hard, selfless, thankless job, so it's not for everyone. My kids now are in their early twenties, and are my best friends. I loved spending time with them as kids, and I love spending time with them as adults. They help me now, when I need it, which is strange, as it was always the other way around. If you've raised them right, it's a beautiful thing.
I haved never even dreamed of being a parent, much less contemplated it in my waking hours.
I regret some things in my life -- some caused by my own bad decisions and some the result of the hand I was dealt -- but I have never regretted not being a parent.
Some people just should not "beget," and I am one of those people.
I do. My sister has already offered to bake them in her oven for me. She said she wants to do it just so she can see the reaction when she tells people she's having her twin brother's baby.
I teach kids, so no
JHC, honey, I was happy without kids in my 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's. Pushing 60 I OCCASIONALLY feel nostalgic but then it goes away. Lot of responsibility raising kids; I knew I wasn't up to it. (Pets, on the other hand...) But I have nieces, nephews and great-niece and great-nephews (yeah, my NIECES are "old", hee-hee!) - nice to visit, and then they go back to their home and I to my peace and quiet.
But I am happy for people who want to have kids.
Yes and no.
It's probably best that I don't procreate: I have a variety of inherited, treatable psychological problems. Even though I have always managed to make my life look fine on the outside, it has been a living hell on the inside. I wouldn't want a biological child to endure that.
I'm also (just) over 40. I've never had a serious boyfriend. I'm apparently not cut out for life-changing, long-term relationships.
I have a young "niece and nephew" courtesy of one of my best friends from university and I love them so much it hurts. Physically hurts. I get to watch them grow up and experience the world around them. I get to buy them great gifts. I get to spoil them when I visit. I get to pass down my heirlooms to them. We love each other unconditionally.
The best solution would be for me to adopt, really. But what makes me successful at work does not lend itself to being an excellent single parent. I can't even have a dog due to travel, long hours, and inability to guarantee regular care.
I've always been told that I would make a great dad. I just have to disagree, largely due to the reasons above. But I would surprisingly love to have a child, most likely an adopted one. I would love for my mom to have a grandchild. I would love to have someone to teach, to love, to argue with, to teach me, to be proud of.
But I content myself with my niece and nephew. They are amazing children. I hope I can stick around long enough to watch them become great adults.
Yes! I love kids and their curious and innocent minds.
However, I hate teenagers and that all angst bs.
I would love to have kids if I was allowed to kick them out at 13.
Does anyone hate kids but loves teenagers? Maybe we can set a deal up...
I thought I might back in my 20s.
I'm in my 40s now, and no way in hell.
My son is 5. I'm 38. His birth was the best day of my life, and he gives me more joy than I've ever known. Parenthood is also tedious, isolating, and enormously expensive. But he instantly prioritizes all things--all the bullshit falls away when my only real job is to keep this little thing safe and loved. The rest feels temporary and less important. Anyhow, it ain't for everyone but for me, he is the best decision I ever made.
I want to have cupcakes.
Only when there's no men around.
Children would only get in the way of our erotic lifestyle.
[quote]I heard that when you reach forty and you don't have children, you are miserable.
Where did you hear that? The 700 Club?
My partner and I are 43 and 45. We've never wanted kids and never regretted that decision. Our 30s were quite awesome without kids, too. I don't think any particular decade of anyone's life is automatically improved by the addition of children.
To make blanket statements that suggest that everyone's life is instantly enhanced by having children is asinine at best, and irresponsible at worst. There are enough unwanted children in the world, we don't need to be spreading nonsense that the lives of all childless people would be improved by bringing more children into the world.
Also your comments about only children reveal a rather warped and simple-minded view of the world. You seem all too eager to embrace stereotypes, which doesn't bode well for responsible child-rearing.
I hope you don't have kids, OP, or that you at least wait a few years before doing so. You sound a little sheltered and narrow-minded, and a bit too accepting of simplistic ideas that you're "hearing" from someone you allow to have great influence on you and your "opinions", without any critical thinking or original ideas of your own.
Never. When I was a child sometimes other kids would say, usually in protest on how their parents treated them, things like, "when I grow up and have kids, I'm going to let them stay up late/play violent games/let them ride their bike to the beach alone etc." Even then, the idea of having kids was not on my radar. When my g/f in high school got pregnant, I thought my life was over. Thankfully she was as uninterested in being a parent as I was and we got that taken care of real fast. Let others deal with disposable diapers, I have my disposable income.
Hell, no. I'm an old geezer, so I know that's a bullet we dodged, having kids. One of the benefits of being gay.
These young punks, OTOH. Kids. Sheesh.
No- I alway considered being gay gave me a pass on that and therefore I have always emphasized he positive benefits on not having them (fully recongnizing the joy they bring to people's lives). Besides I have 10 nieces and nephews and that's fine.
I've been a very unprofessional caregiver to parents and nieces/nephews. Caregiving means I make sure no harm comes to you and you're reasonably entertained while I make sure you get your needs met.
Parenting means that I provide caregiving PLUS I have to guide you, argue with you, allow you to make mistakes, pretend to forgive and forget your bullshit, and live a life worthy of emulation.
Fuck that noise.
Plus, children repeat everything said in front of them. Everything. They will tell you things people have said about you. This means they tell people what you've said about them. You have to save your bitchiness for the internet.
I'll echo R6...to the letter.
I only start to like kids at the point when most adults stop liking them; even so, I don't want one.
WW for last paragraph in R24 (I've known a couple of grownups who were like that, too, BTW).
Not everybody has to become parents. For a lot of gay people, they realized that the road to family is a difficult one, although it is becoming easier with a more acceptable society and advancing medical technologies. But because they realized it was difficult, they became at peace with not having families, and that's perfectly fine.
I had to have children or I knew I would be one of those miserable in my old age. I know what you are talking about, OP, SOME people are like that, not everybody though.
If you are gay, it is going to be very expensive to have more than one child. I disagree with your thought that single children have poor social skills. They go to school and have friends over and interact with others for hours on end, every single day. Unless they live in the wilds of Alaska, socialization is not a problem.
They can become spoiled, but there are worse crimes out there.
Maybe but I'd either want to have enough money to afford having a kid or two and raise them on my own, or have a male or female partner (I'm a bisexual man) who also wanted to be a parent and stay in a long term partnership, or if I was with a woman or man and we adopted or had a kid(s) and were no longer together in a marriage/partnership they would still take an active role as a parent in our kids' lives.
Right now I am 30 and OK with not having any kids and most of my peers/friends who are my age or a few years younger or older don't have kids, don't want them yet, and even the ones who are married don't have them yet.
As a teenager and young adult I was a very bad boy, and it was a learning experience I don't want to repeat with a teenager or multiple teenagers.
[quote] For a lot of gay people, they realized that the road to family is a difficult one, although it is becoming easier with a more acceptable society and advancing medical technologies. But because they realized it was difficult, they became at peace with not having families
Or, they just fucking don't like or want kids.
I could have written r8's post except
[quote]It's a hard, selfless, thankless job, so it's not for everyone.
I don't think it's thankless at all. Hard? Well, we have two sons and I think that is a lot easier than having daughters. They got in their share of trouble and you never really stop worrying. Extremely busy describes most of their years before college.
Now, they are now two fine young men of whom we are very proud.
[quote]I heard that when you reach forty and you don't have children, you are miserable.
Even if this were true, is selfishness a good reason to bring another person into the world?
[quote]And they only stay small and innocent for a few years, and then they get personalities.
Ain't that the truth! I agree with everything r3 said. My once very cute/witty baby/toddler/child nephew was the most adorable thing. One of those 'kids say the darndest thing.' He's now 11 and I hate to say this, but a bit of a jerk. He talks back. Rolls his eyes. Throws out insults. Everything you tell him to do he returns with a little grunt and a "WHY?!! WHY DO I HAVE TO?!!" I can only take small of dosages of him now.
I used to think that I might want kids, but then reality hit and the opportunity didn't happen.
However, the truth is, I would never want kids. I don't want to have to rush home from work or the gym and walk in the house to a kid or two. I do not want to have dinner with a kid. I do not want to attend soccer games and school meeting. I do not want to have to support a kid. I have a couple of nephews. They're fine, and their good kids. But seeing them occasionally is quite enough.
Of all my uncles and aunts, there was one couple who never had kids. I now understand why. They were also the happiest of all my relatives.
[quote]I don't think it's thankless at all. Hard? Well, we have two sons and I think that is a lot easier than having daughters. They got in their share of trouble and you never really stop worrying. Extremely busy describes most of their years before college.
Let me clarify. It can be thankless. It isn't always. When you are sick with flu, feeling like death warmed up, and your kids are sick with it too and vomiting, you are going to clean that up, comfort them, all that you need to do, and there won't be much thanks. That's a fact of parenting a good portion of the time. I'm not saying kids never are thankful, but kids are self involved, which is normal. As they age and mature they are less so. Well, one would hope.
I've seen parents who were good parents to their kids, be roundly ignored once the kiddos are grown. Sometimes worse than ignored.
Not to mention all the kids that kill their parents
OP, you are naïve and sheltered.
No, being 40 without kids does not mean automatic misery or unhappiness.
Plenty of people do not want children and do not want the enormous personal and financial responsibilities of raising them for 18 years or longer.
Raising children and all of the 100's of duties and tasks involved in taking care of the daily lives of children can be very boring and exhausting. And also not satisfying or gratifying.
Yes, wholeheartedly yes. I would love to know the joy of changing a dirty diaper, having them kick me with their stinky feet, cry in my arms when they're afraid, and melt my heart with their tenderness. And when they grow up to be teenagers and full of pride and hubris, I'll gladly take their punishment and insults. I've taken worse from much less. Lastly, I would love to just watch and observe as they make the same inevitable mistakes as I've made throughout life and serve as a guide and refuge when they're in need. I know what's it like to lose a parent and I'm eternally grateful and will always love them.
The OP has to be a fishy frau. I feel that homosexuality exists in nature as a birth control method.
[quote]I feel that homosexuality exists in nature as a birth control method
Well it's doing GREAT!
[quote]I feel that homosexuality exists in nature as a birth control method.
Except that some gays still get parental urges. You'd think a better birth control would be to get rid of the parental urges, and judging by this thread, that is certainly more effective.
Warning: children are filthy.
I didn't feel the large stick up my ass regarding keeping a clean home until I had to watch my nieces and nephews. They're slobs - leaving toys and dishes everywhere unless I remind them a dozen times to clean up after themselves. Someone spilled juice in the fridge, so I cleaned the interior. I found strands of long hair. How the fuck do you leave hair in an appliance?
I've also walked dogs while friends are out of town. The houses are disaster zones. Toys and papers are shoved under/on/against furniture. You don't see any of the yuppie stainless steel in their kitchens; everything has a drawing attached to it.
There are also these odd ribboned boards tacked to every wall. Tucked into the ribbons are stray photos of every fart their precious child has released.
Straight people with children are sick.
I love my kid. I generally hate kids but mine is so cool that strangers compliment me on his behavior. My secret is to raise just as you would a dog. I also make a point to teach him empathy by example at least 3 times a day. I think that's why lots of kids are such shits, their parents don't teach them empathy. When I praise him, I tell him he's "working hard or doing a great job.: The closest I'll ever say to "you're so smart" is "You thought about that and came up with a very clever answer." I think teaching kids that they know the answers to things b/c they're smart makes them think no work is involved.
I also make him help with everything around the house. I'm not draconian or authoritarian (quite the opposite) but we bond over cooking, cleaning and other chores and try to make them fun.)Good behavior is marked and rewarded (never extravagantly).
This is all work. Work all of the time. A lot of parents don't want to fight their kids. Or choose to engage in stupid fights like "you will wear this exact outfit I picked out" but not fight them on the "you will be a pleasant dinner companion, you won't stare at a screen or be a dick." A lot of parents had kids for narcissistic reasons and are raising yet another generation of assholes.
Kids aren't for everyone. Most people are just looking to get their own choices validated. People with kids will tell you it's the greatest thing in the world (many parts of it are) and people with no kids tell you that your life will be over (it's not, but priorities do shift) They don't realize the sacrifice involved in doing it even halfway right. They are little house guests who never leave.
I should also add that it takes a fucking village. In other cultures more close to our tribal roots, everyone helps with the kids. Nowadays people are expected to do it by themselves or in a pair. This is crazy and leads to some real problems. YOU NEED the help. It's nice to have family and friends that I trust to all help one another. Some of their kids are such assholes but I do my best to undo some of the damage that their own parents have done but that's another conversation.
NO CHILDREN, EVER!
R43, that sounds like a perfect example of parenting, except for the part where you make him pee in the yard.
When I was potty training him, I let him around naked in the back yard. He was also allowed to practice peeing in an old flower pot.
If you reach forty and you don't have kids, chances are you really didn't want them that much.
No. I kind of like that my car doesnt smell like chicken mcnuggets.
No. It's one of the few things in life I am sure about.
1. It's an enormous responsibility that I know I can't handle and can't devote the time to.
2. I would not bring children into such a violent and uncertain world. I wouldn't feel right about it.
[quote]If you reach forty and you don't have kids, chances are you really didn't want them that much.
I would LOVE to have kids. I'm barely 30 and starting to have "urges" to have children. I know I would be a fantastic dad.
No, because I know how bad family life can get. My parents started out with the best of intentions, and it all developed into a hell of abuse, incest, mutual hatred, etc. I want to live my life, and I don't want to live as part of a nuclear family. So when a medical crisis cost me my biological fertility, I was quite relieved, accidents aren't even a possibility.
Even when I was a small child, and adults would say "...when you have kids of your own", I'd say I never wanted kids. Even then I knew.
[quote] I heard that when you reach forty and you don't have children, you are miserable.
You probably mean:
People who always wanted children and still don't have them by the time they reach 40 will suffer as a result.
But that's a truism, isn't it?
I have a cousin who was always obsessed with kids and always wanted a big family, like five or six kids. She is a very dominating, abrasive and aggressive person and likes to have people around to treat as minions. Children are perfect for that because they are tied to you by money and obligation. She is 32, single and still childless and she gets nastier and more bitter with every passing year. I agree with OP that some people have that urge and even if it's selfish and they would make a bad parent, if they don't have kids, it becomes a huge regret for the rest of their life.
How many of you are gay men?
I'm a 48 year old straight woman. Had 4 LTRs and felt like having kids with my 2nd relationship. However after we broke up, never felt the need like some of my 40ish year old friends who NEEDED to have a kid. Never understood it-maybe my clock is broken. My last relationship lasted 8 years- he had a kid from a previous marriage, but I never felt the need to mother the kid.
Meanwhile, I enjoy surfing and traveling when I want to, and my clean house. Guess I'm too selfish.
R58, stop perpetuating the old 'too selfish' point of view.
It is not selfish at all to make a very important life choice of not having a child or multiple children.
It really makes me angry that you label yourself selfish, thereby labeling others who choose not to have children as selfish too.
There are dozens of reasons not have kids. And being selfish is not one of them for most who make the decision.
In fact, many people choose TO HAVE children for very selfish reasons.
How did incest happen R54? Or did you grow up in the Palin family?
[quote]I heard that when you reach forty and you don't have children, you are miserable.
The ONLY people I think this statement applies to are women who really, really, REALLY want bio children, and for whatever reason -- they can't find (or keep) a man, they can't conceive, they can conceive but keep having miscarriages, etc. -- they aren't able to do so by 40. I'm 41 now and briefly considered having children about a decade ago. Then my brother and his wife popped out three kids and I can't even *fathom* the idea now. Don't get me wrong: I love being an uncle (and no, I'm not the Nephew Troll, either). I also love equally as much taking them back to their parents' house if they're acting like little shits, as well as maintaining a normal social life (which NO parent of young children I know still has).
OP, you might also be surprised by how many women these days have actively chosen not to have children. My best friend of 25 years knew as early as college that she didn't want kids, and she hasn't waived in her views in the 20 years since (even though she's fertile and happily married and could easily have a child if she wanted to).
I do, however, have two over-40 female friends who are indeed depressed as hell that they don't have children. One of them frankly SHOULDN'T have children, given what a head case she is, and thankfully -- after two miscarriages, one the product of a fuckbuddy relationship with a 26-year-old -- it doesn't look like she's going to have any. The other recently got married and is doing the in-vitro thing at 43, thus far without success, to have kids.