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Wimbledon 2013

Will the real "final" be in the semis? Will Murray finally win a major on British soil or will he fall, despondently, with those sad, puppy-dog eyes, into the tender, comforting, waiting arms of Kevin Spacey? Will "Nole" distract newsreaders from Edward Snowden's mole? Watch John McEnroe give his calm minimal, yet precise and elegant, commentary, in no way overblown or partisan. Watch the World's Worst Tennis Commentator state the blatantly obvious about the last game after the commercial break. Will Pippa be there and what cheap-looking thing will she wear? Will supplies of Ho Hos and Peeps be depleted thanks to "seasonal" demand (we're looking at you Mirka)? And will avowed heterosexual Pam Shriver finally find the right man at long last? God knows she tries. Many years ago tennis was a sport, especially at Wimbledon, of ladies and gentlemen. Let's honor that tradition, however faded and removed, by refraining from talk of steroids and race. Thank you.

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