Who is over 50 and has never been in a committed relationship?
Well I'm 43 and I think I will never be in a relationship. And I have never had any type of long term relationship.
Makes me sad.
But I'm wondering if there are any others in the same boat. In middle age, or nearing it. And have NEVER been in any type of committed relationship.
How have you coped? Does it depress you? Does it make you question yourself?
Try being in three ltr (10 yrs, 7 yrs, 6 yrs) that ended in flames. Sometimes better to be a never was than a has been.
But at least you were IN a relationship. Surely there were good times.
I'm 54 and haven't had a relationship that has lasted more than 3 months.
I will fully admit to being damaged goods. I was physically and emotionally abused as a kid and despite years of therapy, I just cannot allow myself to let somebody in to the point where a long term relationship would work.
I decided a long time ago just to accept it and try and live my live solo rather than dump my baggage on somebody else. It just wouldn't be fair to them.
AT this point, I don't mind being alone. The idea of being with somebody seems too foreign to me.
I'm 33 and I've never been in one. Honestly, I haven't even thought about it. It did bother me when I was in my late 20s. Sometimes I wonder if I ever start looking for a relationship, if the other person will find this to be a red flag.
R3 at least you were IN a relationship.
Surely there were some good times.
I felt the same way OP. I had some short term relationships, dated a lot (meaning slut), and met my partner when I was 43. We've been together 14 years now.
Don't give up.
I'm 50 and have never been in an LTR. At this point in my life, I don't think I want to be in a relationship. I enjoy my solitude, I have two dogs who keep me company and I have friends and family to do things with. I don't totally rule out a relationship, but at this point, it isn't a priority - at least, I haven't met someone who I could spend a significant amount of time with.
OP, 3 months isn't what I'd consider a committed relationship.
R8 Younger guys are changing their Facebook statuses (both men) to 'In a relationship' after one date.
That is the new thing now.
I am 48- I have never been in a long term relationship. Part of that is my fault. I fell for a straight guy and was distracted. Much like the John Edwards- Andrew King kind of thing.
But as I age I don't think it will happen for me. But for lots of reasons. Probably was not meant to be. I am happy in every other place in my life. Good job, great family and friends. I have hobbies and likes. I help in my community. So my life is good on that front. No real health issues. So I am left with the feelings that maybe a marriage is not a part of my journey. Sad? Yes. Pathetic? No.
I have questioned whether I chased men away, chased the wrong ones too long, or I was just made that way. Doesn't matter why. I just accept my journey and try to live in my moments. Gay men tend to make themselves unhappy over things that were never promised at all. At 48 I am glad I'm not Walter Mitty. Then I would have really wasted my life because I was dream too long for another type of life.
Love to R10.
You make me feel better R10 That I'm not alone
I'm 50 and have had exactly one relationship in my life, while in my early 30s, that lasted about two years.
I haven't been in a relationship for 19 years and that makes me feel very weird, even though I was previously in a 16 year relationship and an 8 year relationship.
I feel weird that I haven't been able to get a date for the past 19 years. Makes me feel like somewhat of a freak.
(even though I was in a 16 year relationship and an 8 year relationship)
Was in SF for my "formative" years and had short term relationships that only made me realize that I would rather have a subscription to Vanity Fair than have to deal with the everchanging moods and tastes of men caught up in a gay Disneyland. So fast forward and I'm in my 50s, with the blush off the rose and I really don't feel like I missed out. As someone posted I have my family and friend and that feels ok. It might not be perfect but it's fine.
Grizzled in Rhode Island
You're not alone, OP. I haven't been in a longterm relationship for 14 years. Kind of depressing since I see family members and friends coupling up. I feel awful, like I'm cursed. Every time I have a date with a new guy I like, something comes up and they want to break it off or something happens.
I've had only 2 longterm relationships, the first one lasting 10 years the other 3 years. After and between those two times were affairs that didn't go past 3 months.
As I get older and lose my looks, it's not getting easier. I am depressed about it but I can't beat myself up about it. Yesterday I found out that a good friend who I spent time with because we were both single (a female), found someone who asked her to marry him. This really made me want to fall off the face of the earth as we always commiserated together.
Like I said at least you guys HAVE been in a relationship.
Sort of makes me sad. It would be nice to wake up with someone, have brunch, go out antique shopping, snuggling with someone while watching TV. Just making a life with someone.
That is what makes me sad. Not having that with someone.
Thank you R11
I'm 36 and had a seven year relationship and a two year relationship. I loved both of those men with every inch of my life. The former became a meth addict midway through our relationship. The latter dumped me for no reason. The thing about relationships are that at their best they remind you of the best of the human experiment and at their worst they make you believe in hell. No more for me.
I love being single. Invest in good returns: friends, your health, travel. Have safe sex when you want. I do, with zero expectations. Would I get in another LTR? I've been asked. And my answer is just no. So, I wait anxiously for the next great novel or next season's Game of Thrones.
I don't really fit the brief here but I just wanted to say, OP, the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. If you're capable of loving yourself then you can love others. A lot of relationships can be obstacles to true satisfaction in life. You shouldn't feel like there's something wrong with you if you've never been in a committed relationship. Enjoy your family, your friends and never say never.
I was married for 20 years (to a woman), a two-year and am currently in a five-year relationship.
R22 I assume you are in a gay relationship now.
How difficult was it to make the transition from being married to a woman to being in a relationship with a man
38. Never. I always chase the wrong guys.
R24 no one have ever approached you to be in a relationship?
What? [R25] No.
Do people always find that looks are the main thing they want, when seeking out a relationship? That seems really odd to me...building a relationship on good "looks"?
R24 maybe someone HAS approached you, but you haven't noticed.
R28, I would know if someone approached me for a "committed relationship." At least I hope it wouldn't be a stealthy approach.
R29 what someone asked to be in a relationship after your first date. Would you say no?
I've been in a few relationships, but either I get bored or they get bored, and we move on, usually within three months, often within three weeks.
I seem to attract the wrong types. Two of my longest term relationships were with "straight" guys -- fuck that! guys who didn't have the balls to say "I'm gay." One kept sniffing around my door for years, even after we lived in different cities and he eventually married a woman.
I've never had much interest in anyone who ever pursued me. I had one guy who'd send me flowers, bottles of champagne, take me to piano bars and have arranged for the singer to sing strategic songs "at" me, designed to make me fall in love with him.
He got so angry when I didn't fall back in love with him that he went after, and won, the guy I [italic]was[/italic] in love with. It took me years, and a cross-country move, to extract myself completely from that mess (the guy I was in love with and I would have sex anytime we ran into each other, and I felt no guilt, as the flower-sender had stolen him from me).
It really was years before I truly recuperated from that mess. Now, as I approach old age, I find myself dwelling on it again.
I had a best friend later on who was HIV+ the whole time I knew him. I suppose we could have had sex, but I was afraid. I know he was afraid of infecting anyone, and shut down sexually until the day he died. It was a great friendship, however. He is the person I miss the most among my dead friends.
I'm 48, and I've had 4 'relationships' (note the quotes), and a handful of two week flings.
The relationships were, in order, 32 months, 6, months, 6 months, and 3 months.
They were well spaced, as well (years in between them).
The first two involved living together for all or part of the time. The third was long distance. The last was more of an extended 'fling' than a relationship... more a flirty friendship than romance or sexual thing. I've been dumped twice, and I've been the dumper twice.
At this point, I've determined that either I'm really bad at relationships, just have really bad luck in relationships, attract the wrong kind of people, or am attracted to the wrong kind of people (though in all honesty, in only ONE of the cases was I actually physically/sexually attracted).
I've pretty much given up. There just doesn't seem any point to it at this point.
Pushing 50 and haven't been in a committed relationship in 7 years. The last one I knew wouldn't last going into it but it still hurt to let go. It was an on-off thing for 8 years.
Relationships aren't all rainbows and unicorns, OP. Many of them suck ass - especially if the other person is a sadist and/or a psycho and/or drug addict. That's worse than no relationship at all. Trust me on this.
As I've gotten older, I realize that I hid myself when I was younger. I always tried too hard to please anyone and everyone because I so desperately wanted to be in a relationship and not be the "odd man out". It ended up making me miserable and when I started to be myself, I was inevitably dumped. False advertising.
So now I don't give a fuck. I have a great family and close friends and I'm actually happy.
Sure, every now and then I'd like to wake up next to someone I love and trust but I get over it. It's not the end of the world.
Oh, and I should mention this: I never cheated on any of the guys I was with... I know for a fact that 3 out of the 4 cheated on me, and wouldn't be surprised if the 4th did as well (it was a long-distance relationship... we saw each other on weekends only).
So R31 finish this sentence.
If two guys get into a relationship after one date it is_______________________
R35 ... it is going to last one weekend after one starts making work project or shopping lists in his head while getting fucked by the other.
I posed this question to many guys, and the older men said it is absolutely ok for a relationship after one date.
While the younger crowd said it was too fast
I had them when I was young, but starting about twenty years ago didn't enter a relationship for years because my work environment was so unstable and punctuated with unemployment and family obligations. And now I just don't even think of it anymore.
Interestingly, my longest relationship (nearly 3 years) was one of those "We met, kissed, had sex, and moved in with each other in the first 24 hours" things.
Way too fast.
And it lasted longer than anything else in my life, by a factor of five!
I've had a few. We were both committed in each relationship, but it was sex outside of the relationship that they were committed to.
I haven't and am 48.
Someof us are just built that way
I'm 50 and I've never been on a date or had a bf, I'm not even sure I want any of that anymore. I've gone this long without it, I don't really care until I hear stuff about how people in relationships are happier and live longer. I can't do anything about that though.
I think I wasted my money on that engagement ring.
What do you think has been the issue OP? Are you too picky? Too independent? Is your social circle crammed with unavailable people (ie women, straight guys, coupled guys, etc.)? Do you live someplace where there just aren't many gay men?
Are you sure you even WANT a relationship? My own view is that there is absolutely no reason a "coupled" status should be viewed as superior to a "single" one. I have been both happy and unhappy in both situations.
OP, get off the fucking computer, and go and meet people.
Don't have any expectations. Just meet people and build community, and you'll eventually meet your man.
Right now you want a BF or partner so badly you are casting the role. By that I mean you're trying to force someone into that spot. I know, because I did it and it took me years to stop doing it.
Surround yourself with people and with love (and healthy relationships, not dependencies or problems) and you will find a great guy.
[quote] though in all honesty, in only ONE of the cases was I actually physically/sexually attracted
R32 - ding ding ding, I think you answered your own question.
I recently turned 44.
Until two years ago, the longest relationship I'd had was one that lasted six months and was heartbreaking.
After that, a few long-distance things that lasted a few weeks or a few months, but nothing substantial or worth mentioning.
As I turned 40, I was rather sad once I realized that my one chance for love had come and gone so early, and so quickly, but that sadness was fleeting as I'd long ago learned how to be happy by myself.
Then, boom, crash, I met someone at 42. Had a sex date that turned into a weekend date that turned into a summer fling that turned into a full-blown relationship.
We just had our two-year anniversary. No one could be more surprised than me. He is seven years younger, incredibly handsome and very supportive.
So, OP, it's not too late. I was a very happy singleton. And I think that happiness is what attracted my guy to me. Be open to the possibilities, and let fate take its course.
But also let me be clear: it's been a MAJOR adjustment. I'd never lived with anyone since college, and learning to do that was very challenging at first. And there are times when I crave solitude so desperately that it would hurt my bf's feelings if he knew, but many of those feelings come from years of living alone.
It's not a picnic. It's different. I'm glad to be experiencing being part of a couple. It's forced me to be less selfish, and has made me more caring and thoughtful. It's also been interesting to feel like someone has my back. Never had that before at this intimate a level. (My family lives far away.)
Anything can happen. But until it does, make yourself happy as best as you can.
I haven't and I just turned 54. Never thought I was the relationship type.
OP, I am 56 and never been in any relationship in my whole life. My situation was the perfect combination of the time I grew up, my family, where I grew up and my personality.
My family was a poisonous gang of Wasps in an affluent area of New Jersey. Forty miles out of the city, we were told to stay out of there and it was a dangerous place. My family was completely non-sexual and so fucked up my 70 year old shrink said he was amazed I made it out.
When I went off to college in the west, Aids was just getting notice. I was terrified of something like that, and besides I had to hide everything in a fraternity house that I joined. I was very popular in high School and college, and was vice president and rush chairman in the fraternity house.
After graduation I worked and had to deal with family as they sucked me in to every nightmare possible. I escaped to Tucson and got another degree, still never being with another human in any way. Graduated there, and went to work in Phoenix.
Parents became ill and moved in with me, and then all hell broke loose. I was going out of my mind, and working long hours. I started to see a shrink and the man saved my life. He suggested that I go to Las Vegas and get an escort. I did. But still terrified of intimacy, we would just cuddle in bed. He was so fantastic and kind. I saw him about 6 times, but we never had sex, just cuddling. I am petrified of going farther and I just can't make the big jump. He died four years after our first meeting.
I took care of my mother till last May, when she stroked out in front of me when I made her lunch. She and my dad knew I was gay, the older siblings did too, and gave me continual shit for it. I do not speak to any of them after my mom's death.
You all can fucking laugh and thing I am some fatty, ugly, repulsive person. I am the person that clients love, gregarious, and am at ease in any social setting. Go ahead, think what you want. By chance I met a person that most people on this board would know in 1997, and we are close. During a discussion, just in January he was frustrated with me, he said that I was handsome, funny, and very talented at my work, and could not understand why I was stalled out. I know he was right. And I am trying desperately to catch up. I am still terrified of intimacy, but I just have to forge ahead. I don't have any more time to fuck around with, and I don't want to be alone anymore.
Am the opposite of OP.
Am 52 and have been in relationships my entire adult life. The last one lasted 26 years. It was a one-night stand from hell. Have been single for a year and love the freedom and independence to explore the world.
My memories of relationships are far more negative than happy. I feel like I lost out on having a sense of "self". Can't imagine ever being in a committed relationship; the idea makes me nauseous. If it ever happens, he's going to have to be much older, mature, and secure.
As long as one enjoys life, being single doesn't necessarily mean missing out on the best life has to offer. IMHO, being in bad relationships is worse than none at all. Took me decades to figure that out.
R50 You aren't on anyone else's timetable. Your time is now and you will be able to to have what you want. Remember that the things we imagine and fear can be overcome. Good luck to you.
Thank you R52, that was very kind.(R50)
I just don't think it is in the cards for me.
[quote] Just meet people and build community, and you'll eventually meet your man.
Last time I did that, I was in an elevator with three other guys (four of us in the elevator).
One guy turned to the other two and said "You know the three of us should go sky-diving one of these days"
This is my life in a nutshell below
[quote]Sort of makes me sad. It would be nice to wake up with someone, have brunch, go out antique shopping, snuggling with someone while watching TV. Just making a life with someone.
Well, OP. People who really want all those things actually focus with ALL their might to achieve them.
I just turned 50, and my longest relationship was 10 months long. Oh, I've been in love twice, but neither turned into much of a relationship. I tried certainly, but I honestly can't see myself in a full-time live-in relationship. I love living alone (with my sweet dog), and I never get lonely. I know it might sound odd, but I just don't.
I think I realize that if you don't make tracking down a willing participant in a marriage, and commit EVERY waking moment to it (from what I've observed), it just ain't gonna happen, short of lightening striking....and it's not all that big a part of being truly happy.
I sound similar to R43. I have never had a boyfriend, had sex or even kissed. I keep thinking "one day" it will happen, but I'm skeptical. I work a white collar job, but have few close friends. My problems with intimacy seem to be getting worse as the years roll on and my looks have faded. I don't remember the last time I was happy.
People who sleep with someone else lose 15% of their sleep efficiency.
Sunday brunch is boring after you've done it a couple times.
Couplehood is Compromiseville.
[quote]Sort of makes me sad. It would be nice to wake up with someone, have brunch, go out antique shopping, snuggling with someone while watching TV. Just making a life with someone.
I'd love that too and to have someone who would work in the yard with me, walk with me, have coffee with me while reading the paper on Sunday mornings and someone who likes animals. I've been married for more than 30 years and have none of that. We're two very different people and the older we get the less we have in common or enjoy each other's company. Regret regret regret. So you can be in a long term relationship and still not have any comfort and joy.
Middle aged here. Live with my best friend. It's more or less a sexless marriage. We've both given up on dating. The worthwhile guys are usually already in a LTR, while the ones left (including us) at this point are too often just damaged goods. I like having a companion at least, but I sometimes miss the cuddling and getting laid once in a while.
Hold old are you guys at R59? how long have you had this arrangement?
Both late 40s, R60. We've lived together like this a little over 5 years.
I'm in my 30s. Have never been in a relationship.
51 here. No relationship. In my day I was pretty good looking but came out of the closet in my 30s.......loved those years, but then moved to some pretty horrific cities for job reasons. Never again.
I won't give up, but I know how one looks is key in gay society, so WW and exercise are entering my life.
Funny thing is, even to this day I still have single, attractive women fishing around to see if I'm available.
Who the fuck knows.
[quote]I know how one looks is key in gay society,
Yep. Just turned 48 and no LTR ever. Came out late (30s), always slightly overweight, felt entirely useless in the gay world and was too afraid to put myself out there. I'd had enough rejection of different sorts in the years prior. I know it was a mistake. Now I'm paying for it with a very, very quiet house and an increasingly quiet life.
I dated a lot in my 30s, but nothing really came of anything. When I turned 40 I became invisible. I stopped going out. I'm an only child, so being alone doesn't bug me at all. But it's sometimes inconvenient, when you get sick for instance... you have to drive yourself to the pharmacy to pick up meds. And if you need outpatient surgery, you have to find a friend or coworker to pick you up and drive you home, which is sometimes inconvenient.
52 bipolar sex addict mess never been in a relationship.
Wouldn't know how.
sad and lonely friendless loser.
I will die alone and death can't come soon enough.
To bad I'm such a coward or I would take my own life.
I was in only one committed relationship when I was 48. It lasted a year. I prefer being alone. 52 now.
The gay/lesbian world is like the straight world in that we grow up to think that if we are not part of a couple we are nothing. So people of all persuasions go into relationships because they think that, without them, they are nothing.
It would be great if we could adjust our societal thinking and stop equating "living alone" with "lonely." Many people who live alone are just fine. It's the marriage pushers who keep harping on people living alone as if it's a fate worse than death.
In my case, I accept that I'm alone. Chances were available, but my religion; my dysfunctional family; my faults, etc. seemed to quell any chances of my accepting romantic overtures. The chances first surfaced when I was serving in the USN. Great memories, however.
A much younger, very handsome man seemed interested in me a couple of years ago, but I sabotaged that. And I'm paying the price.
I'm adjusting to the loneliness by keeping busy, and trying to help others.
ITA, that we must love ourselves, first; before we can love our fellow humans.
And I try to be careful about what I wish for.
@r48, don't sell yourself too short sexually. I'm older now, but was always considered handsome. Still am, but not as many heads turn. I like big guys and I don't care if they're bald or fat. A nice smile, thoughtful eyes, an above-average IQ, and a curious penis are enough for me. I love to bring a man to his knees. Am still too shy and am trying to deal with that. Always waiting for the other guy to make the first move. The ones who move on me are generally assholes. Life has been so much better since I've taken control. There will be rejections. You have to get over it.
You have no idea how hot your inexperienced body might be to explore for someone. There are seven billion people on this planet, each with unique interests. You just can't fixate on Johnny Depp types. Be real.
A sage old queen once told me, when I was 16 and insecure about my looks, "Oh, Honey, there's a lid for every pot!". He was right.
Take heart, OP. Had plenty of sex before finally finding someone at age 56. Well worth waiting for. Never been happier in my life. When you think you've found that someone, take a chance.
Not all of us are judgemental pricks r50, good luck to you and everyone else who has been unlucky in love.
I was in my middle 60's before I got into a committed relationship with a wonderful person. He is the first man that I have really loved down deep in my soul; he seems committed to me also. So, don't fret; love will find you if you quit trying so hard. Before I met him I was just into one night stands but the older I got the more I got tired of the "Rat race" of bars, craigslist, xxx Bookstores, baths, etc. I've been celebate (Despite my age, I still have a strong sex drive) for as long as my current partner have been together which is going on 3 years. I couldn't be happier.
That old Dean Martin hit song 'You're nobody until somebody loves you' is not helpful.
Female, 58, never been anyone's GF. Can count the number of times I've even been on a date and/or had sex in my lifetime. Also no friends- not for lack of trying, that's for sure. Resigned to the possibility that I'll be a cat lady (I have one cat who I adore and vice versa) and be spared the sturm und drang of relationships for most of my life. Not glad about it, just coming to terms of the fact of it.
I'm in my 50s and have never been in a committed relationship. When I was younger, I would walk into bars and hear others say that I was their ideal, and even now look pretty damn good. But I'm come to understand that I'm really an emotional asexual. Although rare (just 4 examples), I am capable of forming intense emotional, non-sexual, connections with men. But, either because they're straight or in committed gay relationships, these men have all been unavailable. I've never been able to test whether my intense feelings could lead to sexual fulfillment. And I've never had sexual fulfillment in the absence of the emotional content.
R74, I always felt that was one of the cruelest songs ever written. You have NO value as a human being just because you don't have a partner or have never been in love?
r23 - The transition out of my marriage was difficult on everyone, as you can imagine.
I made a couple of bad choices when it came to me until I met my partner. That's been a struggle from time to time also.
We have been going to a counselor together for the last few years. It helps our communication.
Yes, there is some compromise, as in any relationship.
R22 where did you meet your partner?
It was through a meetup. I was just wanting to meet some new people and had joined two gay men groups. We met at an organized monthly dinner in February 2007 but didn't really talk much. I think it was the May dinner we sat next to each other and talked more.
Anyway, I asked him out a couple of times and he said, "no". Then, I gave it one more shot at the end of June and he said "Yes". We dated for a while and he moved in I guess around 18 mos later.
R50 and so many of you others sound like wonderful human beings despite the damage (both other- and self-inflicted) you've suffered and lived through. You sound like people I would love to be friends with, or in a relationship with.
Bearhugs to you all.
R74, and poor Dean Martin, another nice guy, died broken and alone, too.
I'm in my early 60's. I had a one year relationship with someone when I was in my early 20. The age difference (10 years) proved too difficult to overcome.
In my mid 20's, I began a 21 year live-in relationship (I'm 8 months older than him) that ended in 1996, so its been 17 years since I've been in a relationship.
I don't love him anymore, but I do care for him. How can you not care for someone you spend 20+ years of your life with? He's going through some really tough times self-destructing, and its very painful for me to watch it happen.
I'll be 57 this year. I still look extremely good for my age, in fact people think I am early 40s. I work out all the time - great muscle tone and nice skin.
Yes, I am going to brag - and why not? I work on it naturally with no surgery.
but I've never been in love. ever. It is something I have been working for and longing for since I can remember. It makes me sad.
I know cocaine addicts and alcholholics who find the love of their lives who "saves" them for without that person they wouldn't be where there they were if it weren't for that person.
I have no one to thank but myself for where I am (and I am successful, healthy, good looking, own my home, have money and travel, etc).
I know what you mean, R84.
When one looks around, one can see many very flawed people and many undesirable (undesirable in various ways) people who have dates and relationships.
And drug addicts and alcoholics and mentally flawed people are among them.
R84, the fact that you started off your post bragging about your appearance is probably why you've never been in a serious relationship. It's obvious where your priorities lie.
Great looks and body wear off after a couple of weeks. After that, you'd better have something else to offer somebody, or you're going to die alone.
R22 the first time you and your partner had sex must of been MIND-BLOWING!
Early 50s and therapists still say to me it could happen.
I try to focus on the fact that so many people around me in relationships have either failed or are miserable.
They chose someone too early and now feel stuck.
[quote] I try to focus on the fact that so many people around me in relationships have either failed or are miserable.
They chose someone too early and now feel stuck.
Yes, the optimistic idea that the latter half of your life can finally bring you great joy(while those who may have settled live lives of quiet desperation) can be of great solace, but the realist in me strongly believes past is prologue.
[quote]Early 50s and therapists still say to me it could happen.
Oh my sides!
R86: no, it is not obvious where my priorities lie. I have simply taken care of myself and not gotten fat and out of shape, it is just stuff I enjoy doing.
But maybe you have a point: it's the drunks and the cocaine addicts that fall in love. that's part of what I was wondering about: what gives? maybe I'm better off not giving a crap about my health.
R86: I take it you are in a relationship?
R84/89, I'm just months younger than you, but I could (and do) say many of the same things about myself. Although I've had a few unrequited loves in my life, including at present. Have you never really cared deeply about someone else?
Four years ago at 47 I met someone in a bar, went home, had sex and we've been together ever since.
It was/is the first and only real relationship I've had.
At that time I believed it was still possible but unlikely. Being single did not gnaw at me. I accepted that much of life is based on luck beyond our control.
A positive philosophical attitude and really being comfortable with oneself goes very far.
I'm 45 never had a relationship nor dated and I thought I'm the only one.
Lots of gay men have never had relationships. It's pretty common, as this thread shows. And there's quite a number of women, gay and straight, who've never had them.
Oddly, I almost never run into straight men who've never had one. I think straight men need them more than anyone--they aren't socialized to take care of themselves, they need someone else to do it for them. And, of course, society often forces straight women to feel they must get married or there's something wrong with them, so even unattractive straight men can always find someone.
The moment one of my straight male friends gets divorced or widowed, there's a line of people getting ready to set him up with someone new. Me, I don't think that I've been set up on a date more than a few times in my life. And yes, I'm a gay man who's never been in a relationship.
R91 you are so misguided. You make it sound like most people who fall in love are drunks, drug addicts or losers.
Your looks have nothing to do with love. As another put it, maybe only for the first week or two. What else do you have to offer? You didn't mention anything about being a nice guy, or intelligent, or caring or fun, just your looks. So that IS were your priorities lie.
Reading between the lines it sounds like you are so anal that you will never fall in love because you could never let yourself go into an experience completely unrestrained. You would be too busy controlling, analyzing placing judgment on everything instead of being in the moment.
The fact that you look down upon people who have a an addiction problem speaks volumes. You message is essentially saying "I am better the those people, I am entitled to what they have more then they are."
Love is not an entitlement or something you earn from a successful career or using good skin care products.
You are clueless. Those people really didn't save anyone either. They saved them self because they met someone they wanted to change for.
Let me ask you this.... would you give up everything you have, your car, house, income, job, travel, lifestyle, for a 50/50 chance to fall in love....which may go down in flames?
If the answer is NO, you fail and will never find love.
love in not a product purchase or business decision. Its emotional, illogical, high risk, uncontrollable, and full of extreme highs and lows.
I'm over 50. Never been in a relationship. always wanted a girlfriend and then a wife,have kids. I am so sad that this hasn't happened. I have so much love to give, but never found anyone.
This is the saddest post I've ever read. Love to each of you!
Btw - what is the John Edwards - Andrew King thing?
Is there a way we can get some of you together?
Most of my friends who complain about never finding a relationship are also always the first to pull out of one after only a month or two, due to either commitment issues or being overly-analytical/critical.
It's completely fucking annoying.
Kudos to the folks on this thread who know they are not relationship material and for the most part don't give a rat's ass.
Reply 96 - Preach!
Love yourself. It starts and ends there, relationship or not! We are vibrational, magnetic beings who produce our own individual sound - like a tuning fork. Just take care of yourself in the ways you like best - no vices - and forgive yourself. Clear the decks. And if it doesn't happen, you've looked after yourself the way you deserve.
I'm so glad someone started this thread. Appreciating the thoughtful responses and general lack of snark.
There is something wrong with you if you reach the age of 50 and never been in a relationship. In fact I would say by the age of 40 is even pushing it.
I know a few guys like this. Its woe is me, I am so perfect yet I cant find anyone who will love me.
No Dear, its not them its you. You fail to see what you are doing wrong and will not fess up to it when friends point it out.
No R100 it would still not work. Notice how none of the guys here have taken any responsibility for their situation? All the fault of external powers from beyond.
If r105 is typical of those gays who are always in relationships, than we singles dodged a bullet! What a NAG!
I'm 57. I had a relationship in my 30's with someone who saw goodness in the 'core of me'. I was his diamond in the rough who just needed to be ground down. It lasted about 4 years. He was kind of right. I was a diamond. And I was kind of rough. But he couldn't love the rough diamond for its own beauty.
I remember the first time I wept from the pit of me at about age 11 when the wizard said, "And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.” I realized that all the love I had to give was worth nothing because nobody in my life thus far had ever really ever loved me back; not my parents who didn't want a sissyboy for a son, not my teachers who didn't appreciate an unattractive child who was smarter than they were, not my peers' and relative's parents who were threatened by my 'unconventional' demeanor. Later on, not the straight boys for whom I was just too gay, and not for the gay boys for whom I was just too ugly and too fat, too mundane and overall just too 'nothing to offer'.
It pretty much stayed that way. I have friends-good friends, and a descent life. But my dream in getting up on Christmas morning with someone and opening presents under the tree. I just haven't been wired for it. Maybe in my next life.
I'm 48 and currently single. Have had relationships but not now. Going through menopause (almost done) and all of a sudden my sex drive GOES CRAZY. Ugh. Wish women could hook up like men.
108 still here. I am not bitter. I realize that you cant be loved right if you don't love yourself. I just never got there. For the ones who rant that looks have nothing to do with it...... you are either at least average looking, have a great sense of humor, brilliant or delusional. Men are visual creatures. Gay men are more so. Baggage accumulates and it's easier to store it up than get rid of it. I wish it had been different. I wish I'd had some kind of mentor growing up who would have told me I wasn't an aberration.
R101 Speaks the truth. I see that a lot too. Perpetual single friends always seem to pull out of the relationship after 1 to 3 months. 1 year if its really serious.
I think part of the problem is they dont understand the difference between love and Limerence.
Limerence usually only last a few months so they dont feel totally head over heals they get board or start looking for things that are wrong to get out of the relationship.
How much is love worth to you anyway?
I suffer from overactive empathy so needless to say this thread has been difficult to read ( and the dam completely broke after reading, R108). I think it's great that so many of you have been willing to share your stories and help others realize that they aren't alone. I hope that you all find true happiness someday whether it be with or without a partner. Hugs.
i am 50, and have never had a serious relationship. though i've dated and hooked up plenty in the past (longest relationship was about 6 months), there always a reason why it wasn't the right time to become seriously involved. now with my "biological clock" ticking and realizing that my looks are fading, i would like to give a long-term relationship a try before it's too late. i've decided to put the reasons i always thought prevented me from being in a relationship aside, and open myself to dating. my attitude is that if is happens, great, and if it doesn't i'm good with that too, but i don't want to have regrets in the rest home that i never even tried.
so far, more of the same- dates and hook-ups that haven't led to anything, but which have been enjoyable in and of themselves. i'm having fun, seeing what's out there and having some fun makeout sessions along the way. just trying to let go and enjoy, and learn from my experiences.
we'll see what happens, but i'm committed to not having regrets.
I find that the older I get, the more other people annoy the living fuck out of me.
It's probably best for all concerned, including myself, that I remain single.
R112 is a real sweetie.
[quote]I remember the first time I wept from the pit of me at about age 11 when the wizard said, "And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.” I realized that all the love I had to give was worth nothing because nobody in my life thus far had ever really ever loved me back
I have to say I felt the exact same way, and feel that way every time I watch that movie and hear that line.
In a way, it's sad on multiple levels. Not just the obvious one (where I haven't really experienced someone loving me in that way), but the fact that this statement has slowly, over time, closed me off. What use is my giving to others, caring for others, and loving others, when all I get in return is used, abused, ignored, and rejected? So I really don't bother much any more. Because what's the point?
Just turned 50, and pretty much a blank slate. No relationships, no dates, no friends (my own age…as one poster put it upthread, nobody ever says to me "we should go skydiving" or whatever). And I've become so lonely and depressed that I can't keep a job or even apply for one.
(The "good" news is that I'm now officially clinically diagnosed and on Social Security Disability. Which isn't exactly stable funding, since I may have to move the edge of nowhere to find a place where $866/mo [and no food stamps] qualifies as a survivable income, but it beats the homelessness I thought was inevitable last fall. My therapist is pretty excited because most of her patients in this situation get turned down. I'd be more excited if I could get a Non-Elderly Disabled Housing Voucher, stay in the county, and not lose my therapist, but so it goes.)
It really comes down to that I hate myself, I guess. And why do I hate myself? Well, aside from the asshole parents issue, there's the whole 50 years of failure issue. I'd love to paste a smile on my face and pull everyone in with my native charm, but what the fuck is that supposed to based upon, exactly? Why should these [hypothetical] people be drawn to me in ways previous [actual] people have not?
(Also, the "smiling" issue is dubious, given my lack of several major teeth. And I'll never earn enough to get them back, so I'll never have friends, so I'll never have a job...and so on and so on.)
Seriously, why can't I die? Stupid mood stabilizers. (There was a whole book about my attempt to go bowling tonight that I've snipped.) My therapist will tell me, come Friday, that I'm rejecting others before I can give them a chance to reject me. Well, uh, duh! But given that everyone always has rejected me, what's the damn point?
Nobody will ever see the diamond in my rough. (That sentence assumes there actually is a diamond to see, of course. And I can't think of a single reason to believe that such is the case, so...never mind.)
You can laugh at me but I'm going to pray for healing for everyone on this thread. I hope your lives expand and your heart blossoms.
R110 you are R108 not 108 years old I hope.
Lots of us go through what you have been through, the parents, the straight guys even other gays. It's something you have to move past.
Despite the stereotype, most of us are not anymore good looking the the rest of the gene pool. But in general we do seem to take better care of our self, pay more attention on how we dress, groom look etc.
You mentioned being fat and ugly. Well weight is in your control. You just don't want it bad enough to change. As for looks, unless you have been physically scared in some accident, most guys find a "look" that works for them. That is more appealing then just straight beauty.
Yes, gay men are very visual, but we are not all attracted to the same look. Why do you think the Bear movement got started? Not all of us could fit the Abercrombie cover model and never will. Gay men found a way to hook up and fall in love even being large and hairy and by traditional standard not attractive. Yet look how much that community has turn it into something desirable.
Some of the hottest guys I know don't look particularly great in photos, its their personality that is attractive. Some are funny, some are smart, some are creative, you name it. Most of those traits are developed over time. What are your unique qualities?
Its the lack of trying that turns people off. Not taking care of yourself, sends a negative message about how happy you are. and who wants to get involved with someone who looks unhappy with them self or destructive.
If you want to find love, work on the things you can change, and develop what you got.
Sometimes just seeing someone trying hard to improve them self is attractive in and of itself. Seeing someone that gave up is not.
R105: actually, maybe there is something wrong with the people who go into relationships that that consistently complain about, the guy is a cheater etc. then they tell me I'm better off alone than with a guy like they are with. sometimes I've just blurted out "so then why don't you leave him" and their answer: "its better than being alone" (didn't they just tell me the exact opposite?).
r117, is there a dental school in your area? If so, you should go to them for a check-up and see what they'll do for free. Also, there are snap-on teeth that run about $50 -- not great, but better than nothing. If you want to post your general location, I'll do some research about what services are available in your area.
Thanks, r121. Well, aside from "snap-on teeth" not sounding like a particularly great idea, 8 of them at $50@ would be $400, and I don't think I'm going to have $400 in disposable funds for a long, long time. (Certainly not until I move, which might not be possible, given that moving costs $$$.)
I'm exiled in northern Los Angeles County. Nearest dental school appears to be USC or UCLA, both of which are long and expensive commutes from where I'm at. I suppose I could call up and see. (Getting rejected over the phone is cheaper, right?) But an in-person visit seems hugely impractical, atm.
Speaking of rejection, first I have to file an appeal of my Social Security decision, and try to prove I was craaaaaaaaaaazy long before last November, when I finally broke down and went to a doctor. My luck, I'll just get my award revoked, so…;ugh.
Sorry, still in a bummer of a mood. Anyway, again, thanks for the kind thoughts. (It's better than r119 telling me I'm unattractive because I've given up. Not that he's not right, but still.)
This thread was really great before all the stupid advice how to change, look better, dress better... I was reading and thinking, great, people are just sharing their stories without idiots coming in with blame and stupid advice.
Not everyone is made for relationship and there is nothing wrong with that. Yes, if someone is unhappy with their situation, they should try and change that, but in many cases I wonder is it the case of genuinely wanting a relationship or just wanting what is socially acceptable.
r122, call 310-825-2337. BTW, and I wasn't clear, $50 is for an entire row (top) of snap on teeth.
If UCLA turns you down, contact the LA Chapter of the American Dental Association; Dentists will often quietly do pro bono work and the ADA can refer you to them. Contact the DDS at the link and explain your situation. How about contacting a show like "The Doctors"?.
I think, once you get your teeth taken care of, you'll feel better and it will start an upward climb for you.
Not everyone is cut out for a relationship.
Experiencing a true adult meeting-of-souls love at least once in your life that fulfills you emotionally & physically is infinitely more important than experiencing a relationship.
To go to one's grave without experiencing that would be a deep sadness, because the memory of it is a lasting joy you can draw on every day to sustain you.
OP, I guarantee you that people have knocked on your door, and you were too asleep in a vat of self pity to realize it.
I know people love you, and you are worth the effort, you just need to learn to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Well thanks for making me feel even worse, R125.
Do either of you think you're helping?
This thread is useless with Tom Bianchi photos.
Well, that's quick work, R124! (And, kind of embarrassing to me, by way of contrast, but I'll try to work past that.) You're right about pro bono work; I remember I'd seen about the Donated Dental Services program run out of Denver…but of course they were only accepting California patients in Orange County and the San Gabriel Valley. (Areas with a lot of dentists, not a lot of people in need, in other words.) Still, a group that does pro bono work is an indicator that someone might do it on their own. Wouldn't want to call every dentist in town to find out, but a few tries are possible, I guess.
And while I wouldn't call the tooth solution the entire problem, perhaps you're right in that it would qualify as my having accomplished something, build a little confidence. (Of course that's still quite far down the road, so let's not get ahead of ourselves.) My therapist wants me to see my gaining Social Security status as Disables as such an accomplishment, but obviously I have issues with that, and all the work on that one was done by advocates, anyway.
Again, thanks for the kind thoughts and the (surprisingly) quick research.
OP, not that I'm in any position to cast stones, but R126 is full of it. If you weren't able to respond, then they weren't "knocking" loudly enough. r126's hypothetical "people who love you" get no points for not making you actually feel loved. Hang in there.
Sure R129, make it all about how it's everyone else's fault for not working hard enough.
OP, if you are asking this question, you haven't really readied yourself for a relationship.
Most of us are very picky, and we are so picky, we don't realize we're being so. We are attracted to a certain type or look, and we don't see that right in front of us are loving people that you need to spend more time with, and be open to feeling things with them.
Gay men are so unrealistic sometimes. They talk themselves out of true love every day.
R126/R130 still thinks he's helping and not being an asshole.
Just because you're ugly or unattractive for some reason (especially personality) doesn't mean that you're going to be attracted to other unattractive or ugly people necessarily. People often don't realise this.
I envy people who aren't picky, to be honest.
R117 sounds exactly like me.
[quote]It really comes down to that I hate myself, I guess. And why do I hate myself? Well, aside from the asshole parents issue, there's the whole 50 years of failure issue. I'd love to paste a smile on my face and pull everyone in with my native charm, but what the fuck is that supposed to based upon, exactly? Why should these [hypothetical] people be drawn to me in ways previous [actual] people have not?
r108 back again. Jeezus, 119. I'm 50 fucking 7 years old and you address me like a middle school guidance counselor.
****You mentioned being fat and ugly. Well
weight is in your control. You just don't want
it bad enough to change.******
Very presumptuous. Very cunty. How obese does one need to be to be considered fat in the gay world? Not too much at all, I assure you. I have been rail thin and it doesn't improve things much. The proportions are just off.
I also have a slightly asymmetrical face due
to nerve damage, which is very off-putting to
many people on both a conscious and
subconscious level. Yes, it's been researched.
This is the hand I was dealt, and while I wish
things had been different, I am not bitter.
Make no mistake that I am well aware of my many fine qualities.
Everyone has baggage. I have more than most.
I'm also bookish, rather quiet and have a low
threshold for flippancy and unkindness. All
together, not a good gay combination.
Think my parents were rough? Peers, teachers?
They were saints compared to those I've
encountered in the gay 'community', especially
in bars (in vino veritas). You would not
believe the things that have been said to and
about me, an adult man, by other adult men (and NOT while trying to put the moves on anybody, in case that's what you're thinking).
People constantly make assumptions based on
your level of attractiveness and feel quite
free to exclude, ignore, roll eyes and
otherwise disregard you as a human being worth knowing. I got out of the bars and did a lot of volunteer work, thinking that it would be
easier to make friends. It wasn't. Not as
overtly vicious as the bars, but just as
exclusive. Any of you think I'm exaggerating,
think again. I'm not paranoid by a long shot.
I remember about 20 or so years ago, I had my aha moment, when I understood my 'status'.I scraped a drunken kind of semi-acquaintance off a bar stool at closing time and offered him a ride home. He passed out in my car before telling me where he lived. So I brought him to my house, put him on the couch, took his shoes off and covered him up. I left a water, a juice, an empty bucket, and a big note on the coffee table so he wouldn't be scared when he woke up.
The next day, he was grateful for the rescue,
but concerned about who knew about it. I was a little confused because the guy was a big drunk and a huge slut; dumb as a bag of rocks- but had a body to make your knees knock. He had me drop him off in a supermarket parking lot a couple blocks from his house. "Thank you so much," he said. "You're really a great guy, but you know I really can't be seen with you."
I always regretted not asking him why- just to see him squirm, not because I didn't know the answer.
Sorry, I know. Lengthy.
There are a lot of damaged whores on this thread.
"but in many cases I wonder is it the case of genuinely wanting a relationship or just wanting what is socially acceptable."
I think I could get along without a relationship but you are made to feel like living is meaningless unless you have a partner. R125's comments are very hurtful for those of us who know we're incapable of ever having that experience. Love is NOT out there for everyone.
This thread is comforting. I think more than a relationship I just want a travel/activity companion. It's been two years since my last relationship and I haven't dated, barely have had sex. It was a very damaging breakup. I can't see that changing and the older I get the more OK with it I am. (I think).
Female here and although I'm only 30, I feel like I probably will be an over 50 who will never have had a reciprocal irl relationship. It's extremely painful and I have craved a gf and physical affection every single day ever since I was 11-years-old but I don't know how to change it. It seems to happen for other people but doesn't for me. I have had one-off sex with a few women but it didn't do much for me because they just wanted sex and nothing else so now I don't want to do that any more and haven't for years &probably never will again.. I want the whole thing.
R122 you can get a whole set of teeth for $50 through the mail (NSFW, due to voiceover). Don't you anything about the internet?
Anyway you can't eat with those teeth, and you need to keep them dark, and they only last 6 months if you wear them all the time, but the best idea is to use them get some work and then move up to say a full set of Snap-Ons which are $700 not including the dentist; or actual dental implants later.
[quote] I guarantee you that people have knocked on your door
R126 my life in a nutshell below
Now you tell me, have people knocked on my door? I think not
[quote]To go to one's grave without experiencing that would be a deep sadness, because the memory of it is a lasting joy you can draw on every day to sustain you.
Yeah, that's what bums me. I am pretty sure I am going to my grave without ever having been loved that way, even just for awhile. I didn't think I was that awful...
R134 Ouch. What an awful person, the parking lot guy.
Let's get this thread back on track folks.....
[quote] "And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.”
I have always felt like the Wizard got this bit of wisdom precisely backwards. I don't think getting people to love you expresses the power and beauty of a loving heart, which demands nothing in return.
Someone pointed out to me the wizard's addage is the essence of Hollywood (and gay) psychosis. As pointed out, the reverse is the spiritually resonant truth. The wizard's version is a recipe for narcissism, dependence on exterior approval, dishonesty (if necessary) and emptiness. In other words: Hollywood!
I couldn't have whom I wanted so I'm staying on my own.
I've never understood people who pick their friends based on looks. Why does it matter what your friends look like if all you're interested in is friendship? As a child my mother would always remind me not to judge or mistreat people because of the way they look. She would always say that the person you mistreat or disregard could've been a person with a big heart and someone who could've been a good friend to you. A friend you could rely on to be there for you when no one else is there for you. I could be friends with anyone who has a good heart. I couldn't care less about what they look like.
Trust me, I have friends who question why I hang out with certain people and say that these people make me look bad a may give others the wrong idea. I honestly think they're idiots and completely shallow. I don't understand how anyone could be so cruel and just not care at all about how they make other people feel. And to be completely honest, I'm much closer to the friends they call fat and ugly and refuse to be seen with than I am to them. I'm not even sure why I continue to call them my friends. I didn't know they were like this when I met them ( though I met some of them when we were teens). I guess I'm just too nice even when I shouldn't be.
Why couldn't you have him or her, R147?
R99- the John Edwards - Andrew Young thing goes as such. I fell in love with a straight guy who liked the attention and admiration he gleamed from me because it built up his ego. Meanwhile my sense of self- worth was so low I took any crumb of affection he handed to me. Whenever he would see that I was bored or unsure he would say things and do things that my needy mind confused for closeted love. And I would response in kind. So he used me, and I floated in a place of want and desire. If I had had a better family support, or I had just been a smarter man,instead of a love sick boy, I probably would have walked away sooner. But like Andrew Young I thought his love was real and made me unique and special. But in the end I was the stupid fool.
It is hard to care for anyone after you had made such an ass out of yourself for so long. Your sense of trust and instinct have been shot to hell.
OP, I don't fit within your parameter as I'm only 42. I have never, however, been in a relationship (with the exception of a nine-month fuckbuddy stint which ended when I moved. It was nothing but sex, though).
I am a textbook introvert. I am a former fat kid, so I hate my body, no matter how good a shape it's in. I have HIV. I have bipolar type II, social anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder, all which I take medication for. Due to my medications, I have erectile dysfunction and am therefore, after 25 years as a versatile top, a bottom whether or not I want to be. I'm currently underemployed with no major assets. I'm extremely insecure about my looks and my place in life. I would not even date myself. Seriously. I don't know why anyone else would either.
Many people, from acquaintances to my (gay) dentist ask why I'm not in a relationship. They tell me I'm attractive, that I'm intelligent, that I'm funny. I suppose that, objectively speaking, there is a grain of truth to these observations. But,of course, I feel like whale shit at the bottom of the ocean. The guys who have recently come on to me, I do not find attractive. Back when I felt very confident in my body and looks, I had a lot of sex with very attractive men -- but booze or drugs was always involved. Now that I'm sober, I realize that these guys wouldn't touch me without the aid of mind-altering substances. Unfortunately, I think that period of my life skewed my perceptions of the type of man I could attract. I won't consider dating anyone less attractive, less motivated, less respected by his peers than I am. I want to be the ugly one in the relationship -- I don't want to date "down"; "across" would be a stretch unless he were hilariously funny or goofy (total weaknesses for me). I tend to be emotionally dead when dealing with other gay men, other than the fact that they make me extremely anxious. Extremely. I always come up with an excuse to leave a gathering after a max of two hours, and that's even when I'm in the company of a friend.
After being severely burned four times in my life, I have resolved to never again make the first move. I can't deal with the rejection. I just can't. It sends me into a minimum of a six-month depressive episode. Minimum. Each of these four men chose another man over me. Seriously. It's as if I were in direct competition with the other guy and I struck out each and every time. I become the friend. The friend who still has a crush. After a while, I just extract myself from the whole equation.
I don't understand the people who say "you just have to love yourself first!" I've never loved myself. Ever. And after 42 years, I don't really see it happening.
I do have a great circle of friends I love. I've decided that now my dream is to buy a big farmhouse and have my friends come visit whenever they want, for as long as they want. This is my version of heaven, my adopted view of happiness. I hold out for The One in vain; I know he'll never come. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I sigh, sometimes I just stare off into space. But I realize this it. Half my own making, half not. C'est la vie. At least I'm not an orphan in Darfur.
I am 33. I have never been in a relationship in my life. I've tried, believe me I've tried. I haven't been intimate with a guy in 3 years. I'm damaged and really can't blame anyone for not wanting to be with me...even I don't want to be with me.
I'm resigned to the fact that I'll be alone til I die.
I'm 52, have been in two committed relationships but have never been genuinely in love with anyone. I cared about both of my partners and I was physically infatuated with one of them but that's not the same thing as being in love.
My relationships tended to run about 5 minutes. No complaints.
Turning 79 next week. Which, of course means that I'll be starting my 80th year.
It's been a wonderful life.
Are you the real Cackle Cackle? From Half Moon Bay? OMG, I am so glad to see your post! You are so beloved here on the DL.
And, yes, I agree that there are some seriously sad and damaged people posting here. Wish I could help each one of you. A good thought and a wish for happiness to you all.
156, a wish for happiness is all I've ever had, and all I apparently ever will have.
I'm currently in a three-way relationship. It's working out well. We are good with each other.
Thank you OP, for this thread, it's oddly comforting.
You can become convinced that the rest of the world is all Noah'd up, but I guess I am fixating on the ones in relationships or hand-in-hand in the street. There's a lot of us out there.
Also 50, never been in a proper relationship. Can't do sex, can't do intimacy, no good at friendship even. I think I'm quite popular to talk to but can't (won't, I suppose) get beyond a certain point.
R158, how long has that been going on?
r117, et al, ever consider your high standards of external appearance or judgement of character to be part of your problem with being single and alone? Maybe it's something else about you that is not fat or bald.
I am 50 and have always been considered to be "very good looking". Any man who looks straight into my eyes, has a warm smile, and puts his hand on me can melt my heart. Can't control my boners, either, and that doesn't go unnoticed.
Just had a fling with a 70-year old. Who cares? He's fat and bald an seventy and his jizz tasted like banana cream pie with French Vanilla filling. He's the most handsome elderfuck I've ever been with. I suckled the nips of his huge Moobs for hours. It felt like heaven to be intimate with another human being. He's married, but we had fun and we'll always be friends.
Some twinks cruise me, but who cares? Not my dead Mom. I rarely notice them. Sometimes one will land in my bed and ask for Daddy. I don't judge. Sometimes they don't speak English but like to get tickled. Not my problem. Madcap hijinks ensue.
There's no excuse for being "alone" and there's nothing wrong with being alone. Feeling lonely is a crime. There are seven billion people on this planet. What the fuck is your problem? Oh, that's right... the problem might be with you. You are selfish and you want more than you can give.
There are so many who might appreciate your love, but you have so many expectations. I have exactly zero sympathy for you.
[quote]There's no excuse for being "alone" and there's nothing wrong with being alone. Feeling lonely is a crime. There are seven billion people on this planet. What the fuck is your problem? Oh, that's right... the problem might be with you. You are selfish and you want more than you can give.
Okay, with this paragraph, you expose yourself as kind of an asshole.
[quote]There are so many who might appreciate your love, but you have so many expectations. I have exactly zero sympathy for you.
And with that, you cement it.
In my 80th year. I think my longest relationship may have lasted about 3 hours (at the old Hollywood Spa on Melrose, of all places.)
Fuck buddies may be great. A two-minute encounter can be greater.
The trick, at least in my case, is/was to find a hobby or job that fascinates you.
Not everyone finds a long term partner, and it is not always the "fault" of the un-partnered. Just try to develop meaning for yourself, and if you can find someone who fits, great. If not you can still have a good life.
One needs an anchor in life. It can be a partner, close friends, work, a consuming interest. Something must provide structure and meaning.
I have had two LTRs. The first died young after 7 years together. The second lasted 6 years, couldn't make it work. Dated a bit, then nothing. I have been on my own for 14 years, and at 59 don't expect to be in another. We will all be alone sooner or later.
[quote]One needs an anchor in life. It can be a partner, close friends, work, a consuming interest. Something must provide structure and meaning.
Well, I'm currently oh-for-four then.
I got nothin'
For those alone, why do you suppose it is?
Me, thought I was too fat to get out there, didn't feel I fit in with the gay scene, too thin skinned to face the rejection - real or imagined. I know, most of it is my own fault.
I'm just curious how those who wound up that think they wound up that way.
Cackle Cackle at R164, hello, and I am so damn fond of you! Just had to say that.
I no longer qualify for this thread, but I did for the first 42 years of my life. And I agree 100% with those who say singlehood is better than being in a bad relationship.
Are there any people going to post on this thread who have had few relationships, or zero relationships, or short-lived relationships, or had relationships in the past but haven't had one in many years who do NOT have "great family and great friends."
Everyone without a long-term relationship or any relationship or some in the distant past ALL now have GREAT family and GREAT friends.
That just doesn't seem realistic. Surely plenty of people do not have a relationship and do not have great family and do not have great friends.
Here I am! I have neither. But so far I have good health, utube, Meals On Wheels, cheap prescriptions, lots of ocean fog (love it), year-round temperatures in the 60's (love it), sound of the surf (a mile away).
Also grapes, caffeine free diet Pepsi, ice cream, hundreds of great videos/books and I've tweeted almost 10,000 times (really love it!).
And all that great internet porn!
You might say I'm Happy As A Pig In Shit!
I'm 49 and have never been in a relationship. I just never met anyone who I hit it off with. I really tried hard in my 20s and 30s to find a steady boyfriend, but it just never happened for me.
Glad to hear it, Cackle!
Where do you live, if I may ask? It sounds like a divine place to live.
I love Cackle Cackle and his posts because they are honest, amusing, and full of a real lived life.
Was truly in love when I was 24- he was 47....lasted 1 1/2 years..lots of good times, great sex - a lot...then I got scared of the age difference and ended it. Always been a loner and women were more interested in me than men. I never felt comfortable or fit in with the gay scene. I hated Fire Island. Was always the aggressor and rejected a lot by good looking men which always bummed me. Very rarely did I get picked up. Never into the drug scene and wondered what the big deal was with the circuit parties- so vapid. Was I not gay enough? Just not my thing. Told by many people how handsome I was/am, but never saw it myself- self esteem issues. Was whorish when I was in my 20's -30's. Had 4 relationships that lasted 1-5 years. Now I am 60, disabled, watch too much porn and smoke too much dope. It aint ever gonna happen again, but would be great to have a companion or friend who I can relate to. Odds are against it-too much damage here- especially in the social media world which I detest. I have come to accept my neuroses and just take it a day at a time. I did fall in love again a few years ago - but he lives in another country-all for the best. Have great fantasies about us being together because we share a lot in common and he is gorgeous. LOL. Getting older truly does suck.
I have no sex life, no dating life, and while I DO have some great friends in this world, none of them live in the same city as me any more (in fact, they're all about 2000 miles away). And while I have a great relationship with my parents, they too live 2000 miles away, and I'm not close to any other family (save for maybe one cousin).
That count, R169?
Half Moon Bay, California, on the coast about 30 minutes south of SF and just over the hills from Silicon Valley.
Pricey, but I live cheap. ;-))
Never been, never wanted to be. While absolutely essential for some, and desirable for most perhaps, not everybody wants nor needs to be in a LT relationship. It isn't a "normal" state for everybody.
I talked about wanting one in therapy in my 20s, 30s, 40s and now early 50s.
Every shrink said don't give up. Maybe.
You never know.
One supposes r169 did not see the post three spaces above, or, actually, read very much of the thread before sharing the cranky.
You're no bunny 'til some bunny loves you : )
[quote]There is something wrong with you if you reach the age of 50 and never been in a relationship. In fact I would say by the age of 40 is even pushing it.
Well! Smell her! I guess you know everything there is to know about everyone's lives and relationships in general! i imagine your litany of hostages over the years would tell us quite a colorful story about you!
[quote]You're no bunny 'til some bunny loves you : )
Awwww, that's sweet!
This is going to sound so stupid, but my last bf (I'm 36, he's 49) gets ANYONE he wants because he plays Daddy. So many older gay men hate that role and it does seems sort of gimmicky, but damn it works. He dates a hot guy (yes I'm very attractive) then dumps him after 2 years. Then he finds another younger hot guy with Daddy issues, dates them, then dumps them. Is it perfect? Is it almost cruel and certainly shallow? Did if frustrated the hell out of me when I was the one who got dumped (I really, truly, deeply loved him? Yup. But he's never alone. He wins at this game and I've spent two years trying to get over him. So, older men, use your age to at least get laid a bit more.
I would, R185, but that only works if you're either fit, or fat... and if you have a big dick or a big outgoing personality. I am and have none of the above. I'm just an old flabby nerd.
I'm probably never getting laid again.
I am 56. I was in a long term for 11 years from 1980-1991. I have dated along they way since then. Had a few FB's. But for all intents and purposes, I have been single ever since. At this stage of the game, 56 is dead in gay years. It's unfortunate that gay men are so superficial, shallow, and catty. All people in our "community", if you want to call it that, do is tear each other down, criticize, demean, and act as though they are better than the next. And you wonder why no one is in a long term committed relationship. Had my heart broken once since my LTR. I stay single so I don't have to deal with that bullshit. Would love to find someone to prove me wrong. Bring on the "bitter, party of one" jokes. That would just prove how our "community" treats each other...
I'll be 64 later this month and have never had a relationship at all..I always new even when I was 14/15 it was always going to be the case..once I got past 40 it became a lot easier to live with..almost a relief in a way
I'm really amazed at gay guys who are never single. They must start one before the other is even over.
Most people are unaware how most "relationships" are fueled by money.
Of course, if you've never been poor/broke/unemployed you'd have no idea, and go on about your blissfully ignorant way.
R1888, why did you feel (especially at such a young age) that this would always be the case?
OP, are you able to maintain long lasting non-sexual friendships? I have two (male, gay) friends who have never been in romantic relationships for very long and they aren't very good at keeping friendships going, either. I have limited contact with them these days--they are both so negative and EVERYTHING is someone else's fault.
I am 44 and have been in 3 LTRs.
The first one was for about 3 years, and we were both too freshly out and young to make a relationship work. We are able to be friends now though.
The second lasted 8 years. I was happy, but he wasn't and fucked up so I moved out. He then realized he'd screwed up and tried to get me back but I wasn't having it.
I was single for several years between those two and my current one. For the most part, I was okay being single, and really didn't want to be hurt again after #2.
I'm on the 4th year of current relationship. I was pretty much content with never being in another LTR and wasn't looking, but he's a good guy so I committed. It's not perfect, but at this age I realize that nothing is all hearts and rainbows and perfection, and as long as the person you are with loves and respects you, the little stuff just doesn't matter.
In other words, R191, you settled.
With someone for 18 years. Asked me to marry him. ( legal in my state) Reacted in horror and realized I needed to get out. Now I have been with someone for 8 years. Asked him to marry me. A resounding no. Such is life.
My first true love who I was with for 12 years died in a car accident.My second true love who I was with for 7 years died of MS.I sometimes wish none of it had happened at all,so in a way OP,I envy you.
And now im 54, and invisible.
61. Never been in a committed relationship, never had what is quaintly referred to as a "boyfriend". I've always travelled, have diverse interests, knew from a young age that I was a solo act. I equate pairing up with eating brussel sprouts day in and day out.....just NOT for me. Very pleased with the incredible life I've had to date.
Also seems rather disingenuous to the point of ludicrous to replicate het social controls that are outmoded and largely unworkable.
Cogito ergo solo,Thats exactly how I felt about gay marriage but couldnt verbalize!
IF LOVE WERE ALL
I'm 60 and have never been in a committed relationship. It doesn't bother me -- so many of my friends are in relationships, and they're just miserable, stuck with partners they don't really care for, afraid to be alone, afraid to make their own decisions, just basically afraid of what would happen if their partner left them.
I think most people form and stay in relationships because they're terrified of being alone. I'd much rather be happy alone than miserable with a partner.
Who is over 50 and still a virgin?
r195 Ugh, I was with you until you mentioned that coupling is a "het thing."
I am 51 and a virgin and never had a relationship.
Good post R198.
I'm a 58 year old lesbian and I've never been in a relationship more than 6 months. Why? Because I don't like to be. I LIKE to be single.
I'm 50 and have been in a couple relationships, but never been in love. Now that's sad.
Wouldn't call it "committed" (though he should have been), but once, for three years, when I was 25, let's say I lived with someone. Never since.
50 years old, and have been eating brussel sprouts day in and day out since I was eighteen, first with women then my husband of the last 25 years. What can I say, I guess I'm a bitch.
My ex is 63 and has had three long-term relationships (5 yrs, 11 yrs, and 13 yrs with me) and has been in his current one for close to three years. Committed? Well, not on his part. I feel bad for his current boyfriend, whom I've never met.
I'm 46. My ex was my one LTR at 13 years. My new relationship is going on two years. I think he might be somoeone I'll stay with, hopefully for the rest of my life. I hated dating! Too many games.
R204, I'm not religious but the idea of having sex scares me since I don't have any real life experience with dating or relationships. I've just decided to give up on the whole thing.