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Mayoral Candidate Endorsed By Jesus Christ Comes In Last, Loses To Gay Man

A mayoral candidate running for office in North Miami this week was convinced she’d win Tuesday’s election by a landslide after announcing the holiest political endorsement in history: one from Jesus Christ himself. According to campaign materials issued by Princess Anna Pierre, a ’90s Creole pop star turned registered nurse turned radio DJ turned politician, Jesus endorsed her via prayer shortly before she registered her candidacy with three important signs. When asked by a Local 10 reporter what the three signs were, Pierre declared “I’m going to keep them private.” Lulz. Although Jesus Christ may have been one of the 56 people that voted for Princess Anna Pierre in yesterday’s election, it certainly wasn’t enough to land her that cushy new desk job. In fact, with only 0.83% of the total vote, Ms. Thang came in dead last. The most ironic part of Pierre’s short-lived political career is that openly gay former mayor Kevin Burns came out on top with 33% of the total votes. Burns will now move on to a run-off election with Lucie Tondreau, who received 28% of the vote. A secretary at the office of Jesus Christ told us he was not available for comment, but we did have a great time listening to his hold music. Ironically enough, it was Princess Anna Pierre’s seminal smash hit, “Papa-M Se Wa.”


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