Is it true that in the north, a wedding gift should be cash and not a present?
I was just told this and it doesn't sound right. Can an etiquette person, provide some guidance. Thanks!
I live in NY and giving money is customary, especially at an Italian wedding. I was surprised when an Italian friend told me that giving money is even customary at anniversary parties (50th anniversary, that kind of thing).
and I'm pretty sure that cash is a welcome gift no matter where you live. It's always seemed a bit tacky to me, but then I was raised by a mother and aunts who lived and died by their version of proper etiquette.
Is it true that in the south a wedding gift is supposed to be squeezed from corn and come in a jug with XXX on it?
I am from NJ and I always thought a check was standard (around 150 or 200 min. a couple)the only "gifts" that my sister and my friends got were from weird spinster aunts.
No, a wedding present is always correct for most weddings.
In some ethnic groups there are additional traditions. I have seen the bride troll the reception with what is essentially a satin pillowcase that you are supposed to fill with money. There is also a money tree, which is a branch that is to be covered with bills of large denominations.
Better class people to do indulge is such vulgar old world nonsense.
Like r1 said, it's customary to give money at an Italian wedding.
What on earth is "the north"?
WASPS do not give money.
PS, does the couple have a Bridal Registry? That would pretty much be an indication of their expectations.
[quote]Better class people to do indulge is such vulgar old world nonsense.
It's five o'clock somewhere, eh, R5?
[quote]What on earth is "the north"?
Small place above Canada and Russia where Santa Claus lives with elves and reindeer. So yes, presents are expected.
When my American grandfather died in the 1970s, all the sympathy cards had cash in them. I'd never seen that before. My Irish grandparents only got Mass cards
My mother always gave settings of silver (5 total from us). Too nice for the rubes that are my relatives.
[quote]...people to do indulge is such vulgar...
Wow. Google Tranlate is worse than I thought.
Cash is always tacky no matter what region you live in. You can't go wrong with a gift, OP.
Do you mean Winterfell, OP?
You've seen Goodfellas one too many times.
[quote]You can't go wrong with a gift, OP.
Unless it's a Chia Pet.
My best straight friend (male) is getting married next month. You can go to their wedding website and choose to (a) buy gifts from their registry or (b) pay for individual chunks of their honeymoon, depending on which kind of gift you want to give them.
My friend expressed a preference for honeymoon payments, whereas his fiancee put some dishes I had recommended on her gift registry. I'm more of a "gift" person, I suppose, and I'd kind of picked out the dishes, so I chose placesettings over payments (they've lived together for two or three years, so it's really just a vacation).
I liked having these options. They did this nicely.
The inlaws keep a ledger of outgoing and incoming monetary gifts for birthdays, baby showers, weddings etc. to keep tabs on the relatives.
It's always appropriate to give a toaster, waffle iron, or an ornate crystal or silver piece.
This is the kind of materialistic shit I want to rub in the face of every sanctimonious bigot who drones on about "traditional marriage". I don't think Jesus ever had registries and regifting in mind either, but they don't rail against that.
Gawd, what a revoltingly greedy grab. North and south, gift or cash.
Straight people are disgusting to do this, especially in an environment where marriage rights continue to be denied to gay couples.
Carry on and do as you please, but they'll get zilch from me.
(And no, it's not "exactly the same thing" when gay couples have registries. Tacky, but not AS tacky when we're the ones being deprived of marriage recognition. Moreover, we're unlikely to make (or even to be able to make) the same sorts of demands for celebration of our union in the form of cash handouts).
Why would any gay person give a straight couple a gift? Did they give you and your same-sex partner a gift? I doubt it. I've been with my partner for 18 years and we've never even gotten a set of corncob holders.
[quote]What on earth is "the north"?
A place inhabited by vulargian, scarf-wearing hipsters who frequently sport tams made out of brown yarn.
Before mailing a money gift, check to see if your friends are on Walmart's Bridal Registry.
My WASP background considers giving cash tacky.
A wedding gift should be sent to the home of the bride-to-be as soon as you learn of the event. Gifts should never be brought to the wedding location or reception hall. The idea that a gift can be given up to a year after the ceremony has been debunked by all wedding and etiquette consultants.
Wow. Bitter much, R24?
r27 is absolutely right.
R27, WASPS consider using the word "tacky" vulgar.
r24 you didn't receive corn cob holders because the cob is held by the fingers at a picnic or in a dining room.
At a Polish wedding I attended in Pennsylvania a women wore an apron where guests dropped cash in addition to gifts they gave.
OP, it's largely dependent on whether or not there is a cash bar at the reception.
R24, if you tell me your address, I'll send you mine.
Another vote for cash (and cash bars!!!) being tacky.
However, you have to consider the couple's financial situation. If the newlyweds have limited means, I'm sure they'd appreciate cash or a gift card more than Lenox china.
"The north?" Oh, MAH, OP! Them Yankees and their crass ways!
You might want to research the cultural differences between, say, Ohio and New York. Or New York and Maine. Or Maine and Pennsylvania.
Are we talking about Scotland?
Give them something from Pottery Barn, they will allow it to be returned for cash.
R24, which of these do you prefer? Give me your address & I'll have a set gift-wrapped & sent to you.
I'm from Philly and this is not unusual nor exclusive to Italians. It is more common in New York, though, because even here we associate it as a "New York thing".
I also think younger people everywhere are doing this now. Whoever said upthread that toasters and dishes are always appreciated is dead wrong. Most couples married today do not need toasters or towels or teapots; if the couple hasn't already been co-habitating for years, at least one (but more often both) of them already has a fully appointed household that they've built up since entering the workforce.
Many people delay marriage until after 30, and the days of bachelors living in spartan dumps went out somewhere with the metrosexual revolution. Even dude-bros know that to get a chick to spend the night more than once, they need a nice place. Most newlyweds I know are PURGING redundant household crap when merging their lives, not desperate for more of it.
Also, the accumulation of more and more "stuff" is not a priority for everyone. Not every married couple today wants a full china service for 12 or 600 matching towels. Certainly very few actually need those things.
Cash (or a check) is far more practical.
Is it true in the south, shoes are optional at weddin's, even fancy dress-up ones?
[quote] What on earth is "the north"?
Where people with intelligence and access to dental plans live, sugah!
Is it true that when a Redneck divorces his wife she'll still be his sister?
This is a Tri-State area thing on the east coast mainly New Jersey - Surprised much?
Cash is considered tacky for real wedding because it says you did not take any time to think about getting the couple something special.
Thanks to tacky Jersey bitches, they request cash and a lot of it. When was the last time a toaster cost $200-$400?
Some say its to cover the cost of renting a hall, dinner, or honeymoon. I say if you are that broke then dont throw such an elaborate wedding and expect everyone else to pay for it.
Modern day weddings are supposed to be a union of two people in love, not a vehicle for increasing your personal wealth off the back of your guests.
Is it true that when OP's parents got married, a sheep and a cow both objected?
R33, I went to a Polish wedding near Pittsburgh years ago. The bride danced with the male guests and they all pinned money to her wedding dress. The guests were all yelling and cheering loudly as the men pinned money on her. I came from a part of the country where money was never given as a wedding gift, so I had never seen anything like it.
They sure had a lot of fun. That's what I remember most, what a good time everyone was having.
The invitation to my cousin's wedding said "No boxed gifts, please." I had never seen that before.
The bride was Indian. Apparently,it's not uncommon to make such a request at Indian weddings.
[quote]When was the last time a toaster cost $200-$400?
I knew a ginzo bride who took home around $40k in cash and checks. It wasn't a very big wedding either.
R41 Here is a thought, how about asking these adults who already have everything they need to have their guest donate to a local charity in their name?
Not every one makes a lot of money, and lots of people are unemployed, it only becomes a social marking if you cant afford several hundred dollars to people that have basically everything.
As a gay man, I have been to about a dozen wedding, most of which are divorced now. It is much more practice to help people in real need instead of people that want a free trip to Tuscany.
Well then, I expect that or similar on my birthday R49. Or cash, cause I want to go on a gay cruise. And I want all my friends to pay for it.
R51, where I live it has become customary for the couple to divorce before they've finished paying for the elaborate wedding.
She did well R50. The one I know only made about 25,000 cash plus free honeymoon to Europe. The marriage lasted 2 years.
I also think that since gay men cant get married in all states, we should get better birthday gifts. We need to change this imbalance of gift flow.
I am registered at Macys, Mens Store, Hugo Boss, Prada, and Nasty Pig in case you want to get me something.
My birthday is my favorite holiday.
It's getting hotter in the north every day. It's not the temperature that's making it that way.
This whole way of breeders making money from guest at a wedding goes by another name.....Ponzi Scheme.
Always give cash. How else will heteros afford penile implants and vaginal remodelling surgery, when mutual revulsion sets in ?
OP, dont buy into the BS about cash. It is a new trend or fad in the NY / New Jersey area. Like most fads, its tacky. I would not encourage it. Wedding guests should not be use as an ATM.
[quote]R41 Here is a thought, how about asking these adults who already have everything they need to have their guest donate to a local charity in their name?
R51, I never said you couldn't explore on your own what the couple wanted. I was merely responding to what the OP and others wrote in this thread. I also never said you couldn't donate to a charity if that's what you or the couple wanted.
Nothing in my post indicated that the size/amount of the gift was important. I never mentioned "several hundred" or any dollar amount.
I'm also not talking about people who "have everything", I'm just saying that most couples who marry now don't need things like toasters or place settings. I was specifically thinking of my sister who recently married, who is very middle class (as am I), because this was her issue when planning her wedding; people wanted to give her things she didn't need, which she felt was wasteful and pointless all around. Of course she accepted every gift she received graciously, but she specifically avoided a gift registry for this reason. She wanted gifts that were "thoughtful" (personal and creative, not picked off of a list), or else cash, but she didn't offer any guidance because she felt doing so was tacky and presumptuous. So she got toasters and towels she didn't need.
I don't even know people who "have everything". But I know plenty of single people who already have basic household appliances, dishes and linens, and don't suddenly need any more upon marriage.
[quote]It is a new trend or fad in the NY / New Jersey area.
I should jump in my time machine and warn all of my New York relatives, who have been doing this since at least the 1970s!
Instead of wasting $20,000 on a wedding reception that lasts a few hours, parents should give cash toward buying a house or paying off student loans.
Good R62, and take the baggy pants and big hair that have been around with you.
Im sorry but people asking for money to celebrate their wedding is just tacky.
I guess in the north, NY or NJ its normal but so is being so over the top tacky. I am talking to you Jersey Shore Housewives, NY Housewives, Jerseylious, Mob Wives, Long Island Mediums.
It's called a wedding party and if you cant afford to throw a party, you should not expect your friends to pay for it. Could always get married in the court house like many people do.
This is my favorite wedding gift to give. So far, no one has been churlish enough to object.
Oh my, I'm the OP and wasn't expecting all of these replies. I'm invited to a wedding in NYC in a couple of weeks. I live in DC, where giving money to newlyweds is considered gauche or something reserved for very close family members - given quietly and not acknowledged, except by a handwritten note. I have a couple of friends from NYC who now live in DC. I asked one of them to go shopping with me for a wedding gift for these friends. They both said, gifts aren't done 'up North' their words not mine. You basically write a check for $250, the cost of your meal at the reception X 2. If you bring a guest it's $500.
R66, you send them a box of stinging bees?
OP, when I moved to NYC, I experienced the same shock (I had always been told that giving money was tacky.) I've never heard that formula for the gift amount...it sounds outrageous, which means it probably is the norm (I stopped going to weddings here some time ago).
[quote] You basically write a check for $250, the cost of your meal at the reception X 2. If you bring a guest it's $500.
This proves my point from the OP.
$250 per person is about the right amount EXPECTED for an average middle class wedding in NJ and NY.
Do the math, 200 guests x $250 = $50,000
Them bitches are cleaning up! Guess why you are invited. Why the party is so big.
And why is it OK to justify it as paying for my own meal and reception? Didn't you invite me to YOUR party?
I could have a really nice dinner in a 5 star restaurant for $500 a couple. Not some $10 dried out banquet food slop.
R66, a friend of mine is sending a cousin he doesn't like, and who has too much money, a goat that will feed however many starving people as a wedding present.
Cash or registry gifts are the norm in NorthEast.
$250 is the norm I've seen.
None of this single teacup or great aunt ednas solitary piece of milk glass or silver plated shit ridiculous-ness they pull in the south.
R72, The rest of the country, not just the south gives gifts without expected price ranges.
In California, i think it is the parents of the bride who are expected to pay for the wedding and reception party, not the guests.
That is changing a bit now, both parents sort of chip in one way or another, but not the guests.
Think about it, imagine throwing a 30th birthday party and sending invitations with a formula cash amount for your expected gift. TACKY!
I mean after all, I rented a private room of an expensive restaurant to serve food. Cant expect me to pay for that.
Anyone who shells out $250 a person to attend a wedding is an idiot. I don't care who the person getting is.
If the couple isn't paying for their own damn wedding and reception, then I ain't going.
R71, I'd approve of the goat gift except that I don't want to participate in killing anything. That's why I choose the bees -- no creature is harmed, the recipient family/village is helped now & in future with the honey & the wax, while bee hives are sustained & increased. Pretty good deal for $30 (or multiples thereof if you want to provide several hives).
R66, I'll bet R71's friend with the disagreeable rich cousin wishes he'd thought of that. Hard to wrap, though.
Dear Jesus northerners have no class.
I am European but lived in NY for 5 years and went to 3 weddings of close friends and it was pointed out to me that it is not just cash but enough to cover the per person meal cost x2 if a couple and happy couple are very open to telling you this before the wedding
Absolutely crass IMHO
But what happens to the box of bees when you open it? Don't they all fly away, or worse, sting you?
I have NEVER seen a profit made at a wedding - usually a loss.. Most general attendee non family couples are giving $250/300/400 per couple AT MOST and the cost PP is at least $150/$175
Not sure how these folks are making a mint... unless MOM & DAD paid for the whole thing which rarely happens with non-socialites/the wealthy.
As brides & grooms get older usually the cost of the wedding is falling more and more on bride & groom with contributions from both sides of the family to "help".
This has been the case with the last 15-20 weddings I've been too since the 90s..
The whole concept of wedding gifts is archaic, except in old-fashioned cultures where the bride and groom are marrying young and still living in their parent's home.
Adult working professionals with their own homes should be embarrassed to accept gifts, especially money.
Weddings are grotesque displays of greed and vanity.
Big vulgar weddings are all alike, no matter how many bridesmaids or ice sculptures you have. A small, quiet wedding will usually have a lot more dignity and grace.
What's interesting is that the wedding industry has managed to convince the world that a big, trashy blowout is the norm.
People shouldn't be throwing expensive weddings unless they have the money. Period.
No cash unless family or close friends and as a poster pointed out above it is done quietly.
Some parts of some cultures have always accepted money but still other members of their cultures find it tacky. I'm half Italian and grew up in a middle class family which considered giving cash as crass. My mom (NYC German/Irish) told me about the wedding of one of my dad's relatives (Italians) where money was given in an almost ceremonial style - my mother was appalled that she even knew these people. I'm sure I'm exaggerating - she was always a kind and understanding person
Greed and ignorance is the basis of the math calculations for money to pay for the reception. I have also found that even though people have been living together and have lots of money they use their wedding as the chance to upgrade their appliances - registries asking for $200 coffeemakers, $400 down comforters, $150 bed pillows, etc.
How can every friend be able to afford $250 or $500 per wedding especially in summers with lots of weddings and if they have to travel to the wedding as well.
People are so selfish. It is beyond rude to demand or even expect anything of guests except their RSVP and their presence.
You most certainly can still give a gift up to a year following the wedding. Was there some constitutional convention sponsored by WeddingRegistries.com Inc. that tried to change it?
Cash as a gift? Beyond crass. I've never seen a couple who didn't register at multiple places to allow guests choices when selecting a gift. And as one previous poster said, gifts are delivered to the bride's home before the wedding, never hand-carried to the wedding or reception. That's just tacky.
What. R45 said
My boyfriend works for a large household goods retailer that does wedding gift registries. In one Long Island branch, everyone knows that the orthodox Jews who frequent it register for wedding gifts because it's against the tradition to give cash - but all the gifts get returned for cash after the wedding.
I grew up in the NE (CT) and cash was the norm, though nice gifts were always appreciated.
R78, Heifer International sends the bee hive(s) to a needy family or village in a third world country, where the local economy will be stimulated by later sales of honey & beeswax, while the bees pollinate the crops of nearby farmers to increase production.
The gift giver makes this happen by sending money to Heifer International, & then tells the bride & groom that a charitable donation has been made on their behalf. Heifer provides a gift card & brochure explaining how the donation is being used.
I've heard that charitable donations are no longer proper because you're making a statement for someone without their consent. For instance if you donate to this bee charity on someone's behalf, they might be anti-bee or something or don't agree with the charity and don't want their name(s) associated with the charity. And I can understand why people might be upset by this. Charitable giving is a personal thing.
[quote] Heifer International sends the bee hive(s) to a needy family or village in a third world country
I say send the bee hive to the wedding and watch them dance.
I don't disagree with you, R89. But I don't associate with anti-bee people, so I'm not invited to their weddings & the dilemma doesn't arise.
Who the hell is anti-bee anyhow?
My nephew is getting $1000 in cash for his wedding. I have no issue with cash for close family members. For friends, the registry is the way to go. It's always been that way for my Midwestern family. Thankfully, I grew up in the North.
in the south you just give a negro
I don't know any anti-bee people, but I wouldn't want to make that choice for someone, in case they are anti-bee. Could you imagine having your name associated with a bee charity and you're totally against bees.
[quote]Who the hell is anti-bee anyhow?
I guess on DL you can find anyone or anything.
I hate bees, don't like honey, and find them useless and a nuisance.
Since the bees are dying off right and left, we see that other bugs can pollinate plants.
I'm doing all I can to contribute to sudden hive death by using the Bayer insecticides in the garden that have been deemed most toxic to bees.
[quote]I've heard that charitable donations are no longer proper because you're making a statement for someone without their consent. For instance if you donate to this bee charity on someone's behalf, they might be anti-bee or something or don't agree with the charity and don't want their name(s) associated with the charity. And I can understand why people might be upset by this. Charitable giving is a personal thing.
Sure, because they wanted a donation toward their honeymoon in St. Lucia or some useless crap they can't afford themselves.
"You fucking helped someone in need WITHOUT MY consent? How can you be so inconsiderate and selfish?"
R95 works for Monsanto.
Shit, if they are straight people getting married and enjoying rights I don't have they are lucky to get a card. If you can't afford an expensive wedding and/or are only getting married to get the gifts, fuck you.
I forgot to say that when I learned that cash was the expected gift for weddings in NYC, I then asked why did people register for gifts? I was told that was where you shopped for the engagement party gifts. That's when I realized what a racket it all is.
[quote]The gift giver makes this happen by sending money to Heifer International
Heifer International sounds like a group of fat fraus.
Registering for gifts is beyond tacky. The whole concept of a registry came up in the olden days when there'd be one department store in town, and the bride would pick out her silver and china patterns. The store would write it down so well-wishers could surprise the bride with something in her pattern. That's it. It wasn't supposed to be a "BUY ME THIS" list. That's so gross.
[quote]Heifer International sounds like a group of fat fraus.
It was heavily endorsed by Brad Whitford and Jane Kaczmarek. Don't know about now.
I like their concept of giving villagers the animals they need to become self-sustaining.
Heifer should give you the choice of sending bees, wasps or hornets.
At Italian weddings you absolutely give cash. NOBODY gives a gift, that's for the shower.
r101, sadly no one surprised me with handpainted periwinkle Royal Doulton when Richard and I married in 1960.
R95, I'm going to donate a hive in your honor right now.