This post is full of self pity,So I do apologise,I know people have it worse that me.well
I'm 26 years I have absolutely no friends at all,none zero,gay or straight.I I am terrible around people,and I cant make any type of relations work.I also have no real purpose or prospects in life,I have a degree in politics but I have not be able to find any work at all.I came out of university after 4 years without a single friend.I am supported my parents and my aunts,and it is soul destroying to have to ask them for money. Being gay wasn't such a big problem until a few weeks ago .I went to a huge nightclub and It depressed the hell out of me, basically It really brought home to me how pathetic my life is.I saw so many people their with friends enjoying themselves,and their i was all on my Owen with no one to talk to.Plus I also felt like shit because so many of them were in such good shape and I am not.Then I did a really stupid thing after I got home from the club.I went on Twitter.and typed the name of the club I had gone too in to the search engine..And basically I came across profiles of guys who had been at the club.And since then I have been reading their pages,and this was a really major mistake because it made me so so depressed . Basically their lives seem great they have friends their cute,and It brought home to me how much of a loser I am.
Their the same age as me ,even younger and they have so many people In their lives and I have no one,to talk to
So their you have it ,really you have to admit my life stinks,and I am really struggling to see the point of life.
I'm sorry you don't have friends. That must suck. But why do you think that is?
In social situations how do you behave? Are you so quiet, you dont speak at all? do you show an interest in others? Where do you think it's going wrong?
OP Is there a LGBT center in your area? It might help you to join a gay support group. The others in the group might be able to help you to see things a little bit clearer than you are able to now.
I have no idea.I think i am really quite in most situations and people think I am some unfriendly weirdo,I think I have bad body language .I do talk to people,and try to ask questions and be friendly but it never works.It didn't usually bothered me that I had no friends when i was a teenager,I always thought,things will change but they haven't.
Me too op. I do have 2 close friends and work-friends but I don't see them everyday. I feel the way you do.
If you aren't the nightclub type, then don't go to nightclubs. Find something in your area of interest -- a book club, volunteer work, etc.
And keep in mind that you should never compare your insides to other people's outsides.
Maybe the club scene isn't for you. I agree that you should start at a LGBT center. Volunteering could give you purpose, get you into the community, and out of your shell. There is a lot more to life than having drinking buddies and hooking up with barflies.
I have no idea,I might look it up,I think though their are youth clubs and I'm too old for that.sorry about this,I know I'm coming across as some weirdo.but I have such an empty life and I cant cope with it anymore
Some ideas off the top of my head:
Maybe try going to a regular, smaller corner bar, as opposed to some swinging night club/disco type of atmosphere. It will probably be a quieter place, more conducive to conversing with someone one on one.
I was always introverted. I found if I tuned into the person I wanted to talk to, that I could connect better.
Maybe think about joining clubs in things you are interested in, or take a class in it at a local community college or adult night school. You must have some interests. Chances are, there is a club somewhere or a class. At least it gives you something to talk about when you do meet someone.
Last of all, just because they have more online contacts, that means little. They may not know those people well, or they could just be one-night stand tricks. Who knows. It isn't possible to be close and chummy-chummy with lots of people.
If you are interested in getting in shape, there are sports clubs and teams for gay people. I'm not sure why you lack confidence Sometimes having personal accomplishments you are proud of can help, be it getting in shape or performing well at a sport.
I went to club,to see what is was like its XXL in London,I though it would be fully of bear type friendly guys,but It was just fully of guys with six packs,that didn't make me sad,What really depressed me was to see all the guys with their friends.
Volunteering is a good idea. I've gone through depression in the past and it really does help to encounter people who have insurmountable, or seemingly so, problems. You would meet people and it would help you put your own problems in perspective.
Don't lose hope, OP. I love you, you sound like a gentle soul and the world doesn't have enough of those.
If you ask other people how they are, they usually like to talk about themselves...I do.
I'm with R11. Hang on, OP.
I know someone who got a degree in politics and they ended up working for Hotels. How many positions are there in your field? Did you want to be a teacher?
OP, I agree with R8.
I can also add that you are probably a person of substance, so when you do develop friendships, they will be real, and not just based on your body type and clothes.
You have one thing in your corner: Time. You are still young and it takes time to meet quality people. Be patient. Get yourself out there. Keep it in perspective. There are other gay people out there who are exactly in the same place you are.
So what stuff interests you OP?
I wouldn't worry about XXL, many of those people may well have shallow friendships that aren't fit for much outside a club. Not always what it appears.
If you're in the UK, it's worth trying outeverywhere.com to meet new people- it's a nice site for socialising, and there's some social events to go to.
God you guys are sweet,and sorry for being such an incredible mess.I think I need to find some type of support group,for people with social problems.I know I'm young still, but things are just getting hard. I'm stating a Masters course in September, and it seems like a friendly type of place and hopefully things will get better.
I'm in a similar situation OP. I just graduated from college with a Bachelor's degree and six months later I'm now working in a restaurant, it's not the kind of work I want but it's all I could get and I'm surviving. I have a few friends from college, but they've all gone home to other states so they're nowhere near me, I talk to them on the phone but it isn't the same. I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years, and honestly I can't imagine being in a relationship anytime soon. I would have to put myself out there to meet someone and I don't have the courage to do that right now. Ah well. Don't give up and stay strong, take note of some of the things previous posters have said, it's good advice. I would be your friend.
"I came across profiles of guys who had been at the club.And since then I have been reading their pages,and this was a really major mistake because it made me so so depressed ."
Oh honey, never believe that anyone's life is as fabulous as an online profile makes it look!
Online profiles exist to exaggerate and inflate, people only use them to impress. And to disguise how many evenings they spend home with the computer, or going out and wishing someone would talk to them.
OP This is in the same area as the club you went to.
FFS OP, while I feel for you, are you now getting a Master's in Politics? Seriously? Get a fucking REAL JOB, you're 26 and still living off of mummy's and auntie's teets? FFS, WORK my man, WORK!
Is this post real?
Agree with people who tell you to volunteer. Anything you can do to help someone else will make you feel less helpless.
No one is having as much fun as they seem to be on the internet.
Considering how poorly you write, I assume you "graduated" from one of those online "colleges".
R21I know you right.I did say though that this post was full of self pity.I would give anything to have some purpose ,i would work anywhere supermarkets .garbage collection,but right now I don't even know ,how to go about anything in life.I have applied for a job this week but I cant see myself getting it.I think you right very very very right ,but my life skills are shit.
r25 = you know that saying, you have to work at getting a job? That means you gotta go out there, say, every day & put your resume out there & just find a job. You're in the UK, it's easier to get on public transport and walk around your malls & outdoor stores. Something will come your way. Don't give up! Also you have job centers there that help you get a job too. Don't give up, you sound lovely, I don't mean to be harsh on you like that, it's just my ethnicity (Jewish). Good luck, & I'm sending good energy your way.
OP, if you're in the London area you have more job opportunities at your fingertips than most people in the UK, take advantage of it and like R26 said, get out there.
All right here is my story,No one asked for it ,but this may explain, the bad writing ,the no job and everything else.I was pretty fat for most of primary school,I was awful at sports,i was bullied it was miserable but I did have happy moments as a kid .Everything started to go really wrong when I started secondary school. as a stupid 13 year old,I thought everything would be different,that I would have great friends and life would be good.That didn't happen.I was bullied from the first week ,and after six months I had a breakdown.I refused to go back,my parents were clueless ,they didn't know what to do.I was sent to psychiatrists,who were pretty useless also.So I basically had no secondary education,I never went back to school.I know this sounds hard to believe that My parents would let me give up my education,but that's what they did.I stayed at home reading ,watching TV and basically doing nothing,and that was my life from 13 to 21.So eventually I came to London to live with relatives.I did something called an Access course ,I know Americans will have no idea what they are ,but Basically they are courses at community colleges for people who left school without qualifications.If you complete the course successfully, after a year you can start a degree program at a university,which I did.I went to City University In London. A good university but a miserable place.I was 22 when I started I thought that University would change my life but it didn't,the people were stuck up cunts I know I should have joined the LGBT society,but I could never get the courage to do it.How did I complete the degree with such retarded writing skills.I had a lot of learning support with software and dyslexia tutors..I graduated last year,I have applied for loads of stuff.but nothing.So their eveything is.
OP, I'm very sorry for your situation. You do sound clinically depressed. And as someone who has experienced that it can seem completely insurmountable. It is really something that is very difficult to overcome on your own.
I suggest seeking a therapist. If you have a personal or family physician they should be able to recommend one. Psychotherapy can be very effective in working through your anxieties. It may take time and be emotionally painful but it will help. An anti-depressant may also be effective but your physician can help you decide that.
Once you are in a better mental state volunteering sounds like it would be a great idea.
OP - Hang in there.
All the other posters - THANK YOU for giving such wonderful advice to the OP.
In addition to all of the other advice here I recommend joining a gym. It sounds as if your lifestyle is very sedentary. Your body needs something to help it produce endorphins and exercise will. It will also provide a place to get out and perhaps socialize.
You're still quite young, OP. Things will eventually pick up and you understand things more, get more experience. You'll make a friend, and another.
OP, you are still young enough to learn to spell and punctuate.
UGH...death to the grammar trolls!!!!
Op, hang in there I can't give any better advice than what has already been given so here's a hug ((()))).
R31 I second that- and OP before you say you are awkward at the gym or talk yourself out of it, all you have to do is start out small, just 3 times a week, 30 minutes each on the elliptical machine or the treadmill on an incline. Just make that commitment and even if after 30 minutes you want to keep going, stop. Do this for 4 weeks and then see how you feel - if you can't afford a gym then just walk in a park 30 minutes. Do it every day if you have time. You will be amazed at how it starts to change your physiology...I highly recommend counseling - there are low cost or free agencies you can find, google search them. You need to work through why you are so shy and insecure.
I just had a therapy appointment today, my first in years, because I recognized the familiar signs of depression affecting how I live my life. And NEVER compare yourself to other people, especially online. All that twitter and facebook nonsense is just that - nonsense.
You want reality??! You came to the right place here, Baby!! There is nothing more real than DL. I feel like I have more in common with these total strangers than most friends I have in the real world. And I'm a straight woman!
Chin up and just make tiny goals for yourself and keep them...after a while they add up. We're all fucked up and a mess on the inside...some of us hide it better, that's all.
OP. you'll be okay.
Oh well, there's always reincarnation!
I think everyone feels like that after their first visit to a gay club. I did.
r38 needs to get hit by a REALLY big bus.
Hey OP, you might be down on yourself, yet you've managed to create a thread where most of the responses are not only kind but supportive as well. That's no small accomplishment on the DL. I think you have more social skills then you give yourself credit for.
OP, I would totally suck your dick.
OP, it sounds like, while you do have a university degree, you don't have very much else to put on your CV. Unfortunately, just a degree isn't enough to get a paying job these days, even menial labour positions, and considering Britain's economy isn't the greatest at the moment, I can see while you've been having some trouble.
As previous posters have said, try volunteering or applying for unpaid work experience, it will probably be a lot easier to get in the door that way. You won't have to do it for long, maybe a year at the most, just long enough to get some references and enough experience to put on your CV. You'll be much more likely to get a proper paying job after that!
Are all of you frauen and new to DL?
This is clearly someone trolling out an EST and almost all of you have fallen for it.
OP, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It sounds like you've been through a lot. I think many of us here can relate to stories of bullying, and feeling isolated and alone.
My only advice is that it's important to keep a good attitude. Pursue things you are interested in and good at, and hopefully that will lead you to independence and meeting like-minded people.
And enjoy your own company. I've learned that true friends are rare. If you're able to find one or two, treasure it. Otherwise, be your own person and love yourself the way you are (however cheesy that sounds).
I hope things work out for you!
Join a local theater company. They always need help on many levels. Everyone is friendly in the theater, you will be welcome and feel right at home. This is good advise.
OP, I'm pulling for you! Hugs to you.
OP, I posted earlier in the thread with some suggestions. Here's another.
On my computer I have a tag from a brand of tea. Here's what it says "If you believe you can achieve, you will succeed." Also, there is another that says to follow my dreams. Lastly, I keep the side of the box that goes on to say that perseverance is what leads to success. So, hang in there. You can achieve what you want. And yes, you are lucky that time is on your side.
PS I didn't realize you were in England. Pay a visit to the USA. We love the British accent.
I'm going to add to all the recommendations to volunteer. It will look good on your resume, and it'll give you experience in the social aspects of a work environment, something that is extremely important and which isn't covered in school. Doing something useful will also give you a bit of self-esteem.
May I ask what field you have trained in, and what kind of jobs you are looking for? Have you trained to do anything specific, computers or accounting of something?
OP, have you been diagnosed with Aspergers? It's worth considering if you have not been. There are good online communities for adults who are aspies or "aspie-ish" particularly WrongPlanet.net
My advice to you and everyone - if you are feeling depressed or down about yourself, stay off facebook, twitter, etc. For one thing, people create an online persona for theselves that is not real so it is pointless to compare your real life to someone else's "online life." It's like reading a celebrity interview in People magazine and not realizing that everything out of their mouth is rehearsed and framed to prop up a certain image.
OP, please check in, we're pulling for you. Hope you're doing well luv. x
OP, everything will be okay. Don't worry so much.
OP, a lifetime at the Club Baths awaits you.
OP, I could have written your post myself but minus one thing: I had no one to support me financially. So, I worked menial jobs for a few years. That's where I made friends...a lot of intelligent, interesting people work in shops and restaurants while they try to find themselves. You'll probably find more sensitive types like yourself working service jobs than you would working with a bunch of sociopaths in a political field, too.
You don't necessarily have to give up the family's financial assistance if you don't want, but get a job or internship. You're too prone to self-isolation.
Btw, I grew out of a lot of my self-esteem issues. You'll just get to a point, sooner or later, when you won't give a fuck...and it's freeing.
Thanks for all the lovely replies,I have applied for voluntary work at the red cross,and at a museum,so thanks for the advice.I still cant understand my feelings .Today I went to sauna,I have no idea why,even when I am feeling good,I hate those types of places.I wasn't desperate for sex or anything like that,but I still went.I am so so ashamed at how behaved there.Their was one guy,who I would not leave alone.I followed him everywhere,even when.he politely told me to go away ,after he had hooked up with someone,I still didn't leave him alone.It was like I wanted him to tell me to fuck off,to call me a weirdo or something.Its like i actively sought to be made feel miserable by someone.I know,I am depressed,but I really don't want to go on medication,if i do,then I will only have fake emotions.Apologies for bringing this tread up again.
You sound like a cool guy to me. Don't give up.
OP, not all anti-depressant medication gives you "false emotions." See a doctor.
If your education is in political science, volunteer for a politician you like or a political cause you support. You'll meet people with whom you share an interest and have something relevant to your education to put on your CV.
That and taking a walk every day is the best advice I have for you. Even a short walk will help. Oh, and stay out of the baths/saunas - it's tacky.
I know its tacky and awful,but I still went their,and I have no idea why.
OP are you white? How much do you weigh?
Wow. My pussy actually stopped stinking while reading OP's dreadful post.
IRish white, 6ft2 183 pounds
OP R61 on a superficial level you have what it takes to be popular. This is strictly on a superficial level.
But people can smell low self-esteem, no confidence and dependency.
The only thing I can suggest is 1) Therapy to work out whatever issues that you have.
You say you have a degree in PolSci. I don't know where you live, but there are tons of gay political action organizations that would love to have a volunteer with your background. To make friends you need to meet people in your community.
If you volunteer don't do it 5 days a week. Maybe be part of a committee that only asks for 10 hours a week. It would good on a resume. Volunteering also gets you an 'in' if there is a job coming up. To make connections you have to get your foot in the door anyway you can.
So therapy and volunteer. Trust me once you get your confidence, guys will be throwing themselves at you.
Have you thought about going into acting? Many movies and TV shows are filmed in and around London, like Downton Abbey. Actors are friendly people.
this is the nicest behavior I've EVER seen from the evil bastards that populate this place. People who just lost their legs in car accidents have been treated worse.
Listen to them. You are in London, so let some of them give you some advice. Make a daily plan of ONE thing you're going to do to make your life better. Just ONE FUCKING thing, and do it.
God, I hope you find a good job, meet some nice people, get laid, make friends...it would be the best thing this miserable "pit of vipers" site has ever done.
Okay, OP... Here's the deal. You're focused on this Magical life where you have hoards of friends and you're so busy socially that you'll NEVER feel lonely again. Problem is you're fixated on the outcome-- the ultimate end-- which is wayyyyy out in the distance. It takes time to build relationships-- to grow and nurture something meaningful. You have to start small. There's a saying "an inch is a cinch" Work on your inches. Small goals. Not the overwhelming daunting task of building a vast network of friends. That happens on it's own. With time. You've gotten some good advice so far. If you're not motivated, you MAY need antidepressants. Your call.
But if you're not athletic, there are "running clubs" where you learn to run-- you don't need any athletic skills, you end up losing weight and getting in shape and lookin' all sexy, your confidence goes up, you have a goal, you meet other schlubs like yourself (wink) , and it's very therapeutic. Also, Gay dudes like fit guys. That should motivate you. They even have gay running clubs, but don't jump into that yet. just try to find one that's coed and for beginners. Fat single Women love having gay guys as friends, and that may be good start for learning to build a friendship. check Meetup.com. Or Roadrunners Running club.
Next the BEST place to meet other gay people is college, so if you're going back to school, you're set! But you HAVE TO GO TO A LGBt MEETING! You have to be brave and show up.
An inch is a cinch! Just an inch! A small goal. Something simple. Stop focusing on the far off place (with an army of friends). That will happen on it's own. Focus on what you can manage now.
OP you might also want to get involved with the gay group at your University when you return in September.
I majored in poly sci which was a big mistake (I was so naive and UCLA didn't offer business courses at that time.) The problem is if you don't want to go to law school or work in government or teach there isn't a direct avenue for work. Consider applying to companies with good training programs that still seek someone with a college degree. Make sure you stand up very straight when you apply for work; even if it's fake, it shows great confidence. Smile 24/7 too and make eye contact.
Many exaggerate their background and focus on their strengths rather than on their perceived deficiencies. It helps get them through that pre-successful, awkward stage. Sadly everyone loves a winner, so you could always talk about how you desire to start your own business, until you get a full-time job.
Their lives aren't that great OP. They are "putting on a front" in order to get people to like them. If you smile and are insincerely friendly to everyone, and compliment them repeatedly on their appearance - the uglier, the more compliments you need to give them - you will have a whole pack of admirers in no time.
I joined a gym last week,before I had even posted anything so ,that and the voluntary work should keep me busy.I going to try and get to a job center this week as well.but can someone please tell me that the guy I sort of stalked today,has already forgotten about it,and that its not a major crime,to behave weirdly at a sauna.I know all you ,have been way too nice to me already,considering the fact that I am self pitting mess.but maybe you could just spare one more nice bit of advice.
I agree with R68. You think all those people have fantastic lives but you don't really know what's going on with their lives. Looks can be deceiving. Just like yo said you're quiet and people may think you're unfriendly because of it. In the same way just because they're all cheery in public for all you know they cry in private. I suggest finding assertiveness classes.
Although my pussy stopped stinking while reading OP's original post, it has never smelled worse since reading the replies. Whatever happened to MY Datalounge? This is SOOOOOOOOO unbelievable. ALL OF IT!
What about something like meetup.org based upon any interests you have? Also, I second whomever said up-thread: avoid Twitter and Facebook. The gym is a fantastic idea. Good luck!
[quote]maybe you could just spare one more nice bit of advice.
Insert a space after a period or a comma.
Have you ever taken an aspbergers test, op? I have many of your problems, and I was recently diagnosed, at the age of 40. It explains a lot, and makes me feel more comfortable in my skin.
Aw, snap. Dude I just read that you're 6'2 and 180???? That's not out of shape!!!! Gimme a break. then I read that you're stalking a dude a the sauna??? That's not the behavior of a wallflower. Then I see that you've done all kinds of proactive shit to change your life????? I call bullshit! You're just another attention seeking whore, who had a moment of "woe is me" and was feeling sorry for yourself and posted on here to get a bunch of attention. Well, you got it!!! (I'm sorry I wasted my time giving you advice to change your life, asshole. )
DL, have at him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have ALL stalked guys at the gym, come on to them, and on a round tried to CUM on them--- and gotten our arses handed to us.
Boys are boys, and the gym is where the boys are!
I hope you'll pick a name- something like "Dr You'll Do Me" or "I'll show You Kay" or something clever.
That's what I was gonna say R77.
OP - you sound a lot like I did at your age, and I grew up with the same experiences. I was completely afraid of the world. But I keep one little message tucked away at the back of my mind that this jock high school teacher told me - the whole world isn't against you. When I get down I have to remember that. You have to take risks. Not everyone will click with you, but some will. After awhile you'll learn to recognize those who will make good friends. Don't overwhelm people - that only pushes them away. Learn from your mistakes and do it differently next time. And be positive. Negative thinking and thought patterns gets you what you have now. People can read it on you because it shows as lack of confidence and low self esteem. You do have good qualities. Make sure the world sees them.
It's better to have just a very few good friends that you can count on then to have many who don't really care about you as a person. It sounds like you're an introvert. Accept that fact and work with it. Smaller venues are often a better way to meet people anyway.
OP...Hope you're making progress.
There is good advice here, but if you are in fact clincally depressed, you need to get a handle on that first before you can get much farther.
Getting a rewarding job is great, so is volunteering and joining a gym. But with depression, none of these things will likely matter to you, nor will you care about sex.
Talk therapy can be very helpful, so can antidepresseant medication. I was very hesitant to take one when I was depressed until I got to the point where I was so low I had no alternative. They do help, but they take a bit of time. And you don't change as a person with them, so therapy is still important, but they allow you to think more clearly and rationally about your world and it doens't feel "false" as someone previously posted.
I have been in your shoes, and I wish you success. I may be repeating what others have said, but here are my suggestions.
(1) ONE YEAR MORATORIUM ON GOING TO A BAR/CLUB. They can be great fun, but you need to make quality friends and learn how to connect with people in a tangible way. Clubs, while very fun and flashy, are places where friends come and go.
I would also suggest a year's moratorium on dating or having sex. You need to let the noise around you disappear and get quiet, to figure out what you want and what's healthy for YOU.
(2) THERAPY. Please seek therapy out. It doesn't make you sick, or weak - in fact it shows that you have strength. Talking to a therapist, or a group, will give you a great deal of comfort about yourself.
(3) FORGIVE and LET GO OF THE PAST. Therapy will help in this regard. You can't change the past. You CAN decide how to handle a situation differently NOW. If someone makes you sad or treats you badly, don't let them into your life.
(4) GET INVOLVED. Get as involved as you can, and it doesn't need to be in places that cost money. Go to a church - there are many LGBT friendly churches, and some like Unitarians that aren't all Jesus centered. I'm not saying religion is the fix, but rather that you can meet people and become part of a community. Volunteer for something you love - animal welfare, for example.
(5) BE PATIENT AND TAKE IT SLOW. It took me roughly eight years from when I left my toxic friends and family behind for me to get to a truly happy place with my partner, my true friends and the community I am in. Allow yourself that time and don't be dissuaded if miracles don't come in a month. And proceed slowly - don't overwhelm other people that you meet with your needs and your story. Let them learn about you at their own pace.
[quote] Wow. My pussy actually stopped stinking while reading OP's dreadful post.
Cheryl, please. Your pussy will still stink even after you die.
i say take a class at the gym or some type of activity class. i find that is the best way to make new friends when you have something in common already and a talking point. even if you don't make any friends you learn something new or might find something that interests you.
OP you are going to be a heart breaker.
Trust me, you will be breaking hearts somewhere down the line.