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I Tried Gwyneth Paltrow’s Diet (And Got A Rash On My Face)

I have always been an admirer of Gwyneth Paltrow, I am not afraid to admit it. She was so good in my favorite movie, A Perfect Murder. I also think her secondary career as a lifestyle guru is rather inspiring. If there wasn't a GOOP, I would not have an eye-mask that has hollow indentations so that your eyes can blink. When Gwyneth came out with her newest cookbook, It’s All Good, I was really excited. I have her other cookbook, My Father's Daughter, already. It is a really good cookbook for the average woman (me). There are some healthy recipes and there are some delicious recipes. One time I had a dinner party and I made beer-battered fish tacos from that book and everyone liked them. This is saying a lot because usually my dinner parties are miserable failures in which people start ordering sushi in front of me like I'm not even there. This new cookbook of Gwyneth's has an interesting genesis. After enduring a panic attack during a supper party (I really understand), Gwyneth went to several doctors and realized she had sensitivities to various food groups, such as dairy, gluten, and chicken's eggs. Thus, she felt she had to make a cookbook that eliminated all the bad foods that ruin lives, like bread, deepwater fish, red meat, cow’s milk, and eggplants, and focus on the “good” foods in the world, like goji berries and quail eggs. Hence, It’s All Good! Do you get it? All the foods that are not bad. I was excited to try this diet. I always think I have allergies to mysterious foods. Plus this is a diet written by a woman who almost convinced me to buy really expensive towels from the country of Turkey because they were more absorbent. I basically signed up fifteen years ago when I watched A Perfect Murder for the first time. Preparation: I went on Amazon and purchased Gwyneth's book as well as Tracy Anderson's Method DVDs. Gwyneth reportedly does Tracy Anderson's fitness method which focuses on “small muscles” for two hours a day, so if I am going to live Gwyneth, I figure, I might as well try to get her butt, that of a 22-year-old stripper. When I finally get the book a month later (I pre-ordered it like a weirdo), I am filled with both happiness and fear. The book itself is beautiful; there are all these pictures of Gwyneth in a floppy hat in front of a barn or Gwyneth putting a huge fish in a vat of salt. While doing a close reading, however, I am stunned at the magnitude of the things I will have to give up. I can't even eat yogurt, nor can I have a tomato or a strawberry! They all cause allergies! It seems excessive to me, yet the book also promises me that if I do this, I will have Gwyneth's "clear eyes, glowing skin and fit body." And I definitely want clear eyes! I decide to follow the seven-day detox diet listed in the back of the book, as well as a smattering of her other diet menus. One day I will live like a vegan Gwyneth, another day I will eat like a child of Gwyneth. Hopefully this will give me the whole Gwyneth experience. Next, I go food shopping. I have been on many diets before, diets of famously excessive Hollywoods stars, including a star that one time ordered 200 pairs of mink earmuffs at a store just because she was going skiing soon (Here's looking at you, Liz Taylor), but I have never paid this much for a week of groceries in my entire life. At $154.31, it is almost triple what I usually pay for food, and I haven’t even bought all the fish I will eventually buy! (The diet is really heavy on fish.) I bought at least ten dollars worth of kale and an eleven-dollar jar of honey. Do you know what raw honey is? It is eleven dollars! And there are so many more ingredients than just those two. I actually had a mild panic attack while buying the food and I wasn't even having a dinner party.


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