This was said to me by a guy I'd been dating. After he hosted a movie night at his home ("Chicago") for his friends to meet me. The next day we met for coffee and he greeted me with, "They don't like you". I thought he was joking. "Who?" I played along. "My friends. They said you were negative and aloof". I was taken aback. I do have a sort of droll sense of humor, but don't most gays?
As I look back they were kind of chilly. His best friend- a lesbian named Christa- barely looked me in the eye when we were introduced, then snubbed me the rest of the night.
How important is it that his/her friends like you? How do you feel about someone who seems to value their feelings first?
Oh yeah, we made vague plans for another date but I totally punched/deleted. Nobody disses me like that.
Thats a really fucked up thing he said to you. Anyone with even a little class and manners would know its best to say nothing at all. He is totally worthy of punch & delete.
[quote]After he hosted a movie night at his home ("Chicago")
Aaannndd I stopped reading there.
He seemed bitchy.
Christa, swirling her Merlot
He's been talking to them about you and they don't like what they are hearing. He's using the friends to give you the heave ho. At least he told you to your face, even if he was less than honest about why he was telling you. He is the one who thinks you are negative and aloof. You were smart to take the hint and walk away. Has he called or tried to get in touch for another date?
Yeah, definitely drop him. His friends will find ways to break you up just for sport.
Oh, honey, CHICAGO?
Even if his friends had rolled out the red carpet, that would be a deal-breaker.
It sounds like you dodged a bullet with that antisocial dyke.
He & Christa deserve each other. Move on, OP -- find someone with better friends (& better movie selections).
I like "negative" and "aloof" in friends. We should hang out.
Everyone so far (except r4 and his speculations) is righ on the money. Regardless of what kind of sense of humor you have, you deserve someone who doesn't put you up to these stupid "tests."
Punch and delete indeed. His loss.
Agree with R1. That's ridiculous. It's obvious that they never wanted to like you in the first place. I also agree with some of the other posters who said that he probably doesn't like you either. He's using his friends as an excuse to tell you that he doesn't like you and wants the friendship to end. I hope you have other friends.
R4 could be right. If this Crista barely even looked at you, then it's because he already talked you down to them.
I hate Christa.
Well, I actually agree with R4. It sounds very plausible because it's likely that he doesn't like you either because there is no other sensible reason for him to tell you this and of course he would discuss something like that with his closest friends.
I had a boyfriend once who had a friend and co-worker named Allison who badmouthed me and trash talked me every chance she got because she was in love with my bf.
She succeeded in destroying the relationship.
I got an apology four years later, when she tried to do the same thing with his next boyfriend, and he realized she was toxic to his life.
My heart was broken unnecessarily. But I learned... If you find the friends of the person you're dating to be horrible and hateful, time to make an exit.
Christa --- the new Cheryl...
What a total asshole all the way around. For all the reasons everyone has stated. Putting you to a "test?" Then telling you that people "don't like you? He should have said NOTHING. And the douche can't make up his own mind whether HE likes you or not because the slimeball has a herd mentality? Punch and delete and never look back.
Sounds like they're possessive assholes and won't like anyone he dates. And, he's an asshole for telling you what they said.
I was dating a guy a few years back who was still living with his ex. I met the ex the morning after the first night I slept over. He walked right past me in the kitchen without saying a word. When I was introduced he just looked me up and down and mumbled hello.
A few hours later the guy I was dating called and said 'after you left, Lee made it known that I could have sex with him.' I told him that I thought they should have sex and that he should never call me again.
I was expecting you'd pay for a baked potato, fully loaded, for me; and I got nothing.
They all sound like a pack of losers, and not fun, OP.
Don't you find that the gays generally don't like their friends' BFs? They tend to hate on and destroy any prospective LTR. Some of the gays are too close with their sistren to the detriment of relationships.
The tribe has spoken.
too often, this situation takes place. The friends don't like the new boyfriend, because they're threatened, jealous, stupid or simply evil.
I hate Christa SO MUCH!
Op, no great loss..."They don't like you" fuck them and the pink horse they rode in on.
I posted a while ago and am posting again to say how NICE it is to see everyone supporting this OP. I think most of us have had something similar like this happen in our lives and it is just a real awful feeling. No one should be told that another group "doesn't like you." It's a cruel thing to say to someone always. So high school. There is no good reason to hurt someone's feelings. That is only said to make someone feel bad about himself.
And a potential boyfriend who would stoop so low as to tell someone (or be so reckless with someone's feelings or thoughtless) should not get a second chance. It's classic immaturity. If someone will be that careless with your feelings, what ELSE will he do? Shudders.
R32 hit it right on the head: its so high school.
I had the same type of thing OP after dating a man for a year and meeting his closest and dearest friends. I later figured out they both had serious issues of jealousy with my then BF and their reactions were all about their own world. If any of his friends would actually set up an event to "judge" you, then actually tell them they don't like you - and he actually tells you that just simply means they all have high school mentality and you should run for the hills. If they were real friends, they would have real concern for him and his happiness and it really wouldn't be about if they liked you or not.
We are writing to inform you that we've received word that "Christa" was recently rude to you at an event and going so far as to refuse to even make eye contact. Please allow us to extend our apologies that you had an unpleasant experience with a lesbian. It actually doesn't happen as often as one might think so we take these complaints seriously. After an inquiry into said "Movie Night featuring 'Chicago'", we've concluded that, yes, "Christa" was a humorless, rude bitch.
In accordance with our etiquette guidelines and violation thereof, "Christa" will be sentenced to attend the Michigan Womyn's Festival for the next ten years without exception. She will also be required to pay a fine. And she has been warned that if she continues with this behavior she will be shunned to live her life out as a "frau" (yes, we have that kind of power). Frankly, after speaking with "Christa", we've come to the conclusion that you are better off not knowing her or her spineless best friend (host of said movie night).
Please know there are millions of lesbians that are kind, polite, funny, sweet and welcome the opportunity to engage with kind gay men such as yourself.
The Funny and Sweet Lesbians
What loathsome people.
I doubt it has anything to do with you, OP. I've been around that sort of group before and they usually try to repel outsiders because they're fearful that the introduction of a new person will spell the end of their little clique. I'm sure his female friend was especially threatened by you and started campaigning against you the moment you stepped out of earshot.
So you took a chance. You took on the Queen Latifah numbers and upset the lesbians. A full on performance of the Catherine Zeta-Jones songs, however, would have given you a more alluring, youthful, under 30 look.
OP I'm curious. How old are you, the ex and his flying monkeys?
Let me play the other side of this coin. I was the friend of someone who was being mistreated by her bf for a few years. I wasn't jealous. I truly thought she was selling herself short. I was negative about him and would never spend time with him around.
She suddenly punched and deleted me last Xmas (after a lifetime of friendship) for being judgmental and not accepting her choices. "He's my life", she said. I have come to realize over time that her poor choices are not really my business. Not to fix, not to judge, not to comment upon. Hard lesson to learn. I still think he's a user and not worthy of her, but it's neither here nor there as I've still lost my friend. I should never have said so, unless she specifically asked. I assume you all agree?
I was dating a guy for several months' great sex, good times, just us two.
Then I invited him to a dinner party.
It was basically that scene in "Tales of City," but with fewer clever punchlines.
"Has he called or tried to get in touch for another date?"
We'd met via a Craigslist personal. About 4 days after the coffee house meet, he emailed me he'd decided to pursue something with another respondee. And "good luck".
I never responded back. Rudeness is one of my pet peeves.
Oh that asshole feels like he has to have the last derogatory putdown. You're doing well by not honoring him at all, OP.
He's clinical and in his delusory world he probably thinks he dumped you. Not responding is the best indication that the scene has played otherwise.
I've known people like that in the past - you stop any contact with them and they still contact you to let you know they are not interested in you. They are LOSERS who know very well what they're doing and actually think they are getting away with it.
[R39]: Unfortunately, it is a rule that you can't derogate a friend's light of love, no matter how wrong you feel he or she is. Worse, even if they come out and ask you what you think, you can get the bum's rush if you fail to enthuse. It's exactly like having an actor for a friend. When he says, "What did you think?," the only acceptable answer is "Darling, you were marvelous."
My friend Julie likes pretending her name is Christa.
Oh, I love Crystal.
Oops.... Wrong thread.
Insensitive, rude, cowardly and probably dead in bed. Fuck em. He's trash.
"Thank you for writing to let me know I really dodged a bullet with you. Between you and your friends, I'm not sure who I'm more excited to never have to see again!"
Sorry, that was the though that instantly popped into my head upon reading R41
I had to tell you *now*, so I wouldnt have to tell you THEN
R39, I've learned the hard way that the only thing we should say when our friends ask about a new bf is to say, "I'm happy he's making you this happy." Don't make any judgments. Everyone deserves love, even when it's with someone we don't like.
It's always best not to put your friends in a position where they have to make choices.
He's a shit-disturbing loser. His announcing his friends' disapproval of you was manipulative.
Would you believe I'm a nasty piece of work named Christa?
Is Christa an alias of Project Runway Michelle?
I'm monitoring Datalounge and reporting back to him and the rest of our circle. This confirms what we told him about you.
How much do we want to bet that Christa's labia pulsate like the evil brain in Madeleine L'Engle's "A Wrinkle In Time"?
I slept with Christa once.
And then I died.
I am obsessed with your story OP. tell us more about the night in detail, so we can really hate the guy & Christa.
I always knew you hated lesbians, op. I told him so just before I met you. And I was right. I'm always right about these things.
Oh, and don't ever contact us again. We don't need people like you in our little circle of friends.
If he really liked you, would he say something like that? No! It's he, who doesn't like you.
With friends like that, you don't need enemies.
In general, my straight friends don't endow their social circle with the importance my gay friends do. This seems to be a phenomenon, too, of the younger crowd; older gays wouldn't think of slavishly obeying their friends' taste, whims or advice.
I dated a guy once who was tall, rich, good looking, popular and very sociable. He always wanted us to hang with his crowd, and when we did, they would circle the wagons around him and basically hiss at me.
He was a catch and they all wanted him for themselves. Their agendas weren't so hard to decipher. But I wanted I pointed this out to my would-be boyfriend, he just laughed it off. He dug the attention and didn't care if I was mistreated for him to get it.
OP, a good boyfriend would never be that spineless or that cruel. Punch and delete, indeed.
Maybe it's you, OP. Maybe you're unlikeable.
I'm guessing that his friends are single and/or have miserable lives and they just want him to be miserable and/or single too.
And as the others have said, if someone tried to make me watch "Shitcago", I would have punched and deleted at that point. His choice in movie shows his shitty taste, just like his choice in friends.
R35 you made me laugh! As a fellow friendly lesbian I feel the instant need to set you up with the lesbian on the seeking same thread. It sounds like she needs to meet someone who isn't a potential Christa.
It's clear that Christa is the real star of this thread!
Why do you care what some bull dyke thinks of you? If the guy was a hot piece of ass, you could have always gotten him to dump that nasty gash that he called a friend. Hopefully, you didn't make a mistake based on the comments of some disgusting bleeding hole.
Live and learn my friend.
OP, dump this silly loser. He cares what his friends think more than he cares what he himself thinks. Imagine how far down the list your feelings rank?
I cannot believe how much I hate "Christa." But what is with all the hate for "Chicago"? I thought it was great, terrific score.
Wrangle another invite and take a giant flop shit in his toilet tank.