How do you have sex with someone other than your partner and not think about them while you are with someone else? And then how do you go home to that person without any quilt?
I always find leaving my quilt with them absolves me of any guilt!
A hot load of baby cream in your boi cooter washes away the guilt.
If you're a guy it's fairly easy; for a woman it's not as easy.
Wham bam thank you ma'am.
Some people lack empathy and only think of themselves. They're sociopaths like Dshokhar and the only reason they don't go down that path is they can't figure out what's in it for them. But they do see the short term gain of cheating and don't care if they're breaking their partner's heart. They're defective but usually present themselves in such a pretty package that you don't realize until it's too late.
It doesn't matter how or what a cheater feels. I don't live my life by the actions of others. I'm in control of me. I would never give a anyone power over my emotions. I'm also not 12 anymore. I'm young but old enough to know things happen.
basic recipe for cheating:
horniness + lack of empathy for ones' partner
It's easy not to go home with any quilt. It's proof positive you've been stepping out. And I've seen some nice quilts in my day.
Calm down, R5. If they cheat they are sociopaths like the Boston bomber??? Sorry your boyfriend cheated. Maybe he can't stand drama queens?
OP here and yes r8 that one was just for you. We all know guilt is with a G not a Q. Good catch now back to your hole in the ground!
R9 I see I struck a nerve.
Many gay men learn to compartmentalize feelings from an early age and keep activities secret, even from those they love. Years of having occasional recreational sex on the downlow can leave one feeling it's not that big a deal, like having an occasional cheat meal while you're otherwise eating healthy.
I think this thread is about Don Draper.
They cheat because they are not getting something from the relationship that they need. The person they cheat with will never, ever be able to provide what the cheater's partner/spouse/friend gives them, ever. But, that partner cannot give them what the other party provides them. For ex., when a married bisexual guy into BDSM (or at least curious about it) "plays" with someone, or if a married guy gets oral sex from someone because his wife will not engage in this.
[quote]They cheat because they are not getting something from the relationship that they need.
Or they shouldn't be in the relationship to begin with. Kind of a cheap, selfish thing to choose cheating as a solution when a relationship lacks something.
People cheat because they're attracted to dysfunction. They find it exciting. It's a pathology in them.
R15 is exactly right. Not everyone is meant to be partnered. I mean, if someone can't be faithful in an open relationship...and I've seen that with my friends...then there's something seriously wrong with them.
Same thing in a closed relationship. People shouldn't make promises they have no intention of keeping. It's despicable.
The Christian concept of love and marriage is not natural. People like OP and R5 lack the intelligence to comprehend.
If you're cheating, it obviously isn't a loving relationship.
r15, that is far too general a response. Every situation is different. At least one married guy I know who cheated did so with the knowledge of the spouse. The spouse in question just wasn't into S&M. Who said cheating is without permission?
Cheating isn't without permission. Cheating isn't an open relationship. Cheating is having a romantic or just sexual relationship behind your partner's back, without your partner's knowledge. It's shitty behavior.
Most people just plain suck.
If he's having sex with other people and the partner knows about it and approves then that's an OPEN relationship, NOT cheating? I said that CHEATING in an open relationship is a problem. A lot of open relationships still have rules, and people will often break those rules.
I wasn't saying that an open relationship, in and of itself, was cheating. That would be absurd.
Lots of things aren't natural, R17, but we adapt in the interest of rising above rutting.
Open relationship or not, people cheat for the simple reason that they are NOT getting something out of the relationship that they need or want, and whatever that something is, it is so important to them that they will go out and get it, regardless if they are in a relationship or not. They want it, they are not getting it,partner doesn't provide it for whatever reason, so they go out and find it. If you are curious as to why people cheat, that has plenty to do with it. If they should or should not be in a relationship is another discussion altogether.
r24....bullshit...thats an excuse that cheaters use to justify their actions.
People cheat because theyre selfish and its all about them with no regards for the feelings of the partner theyre cheating on...in other words, most cheaters ARE narcissistic sociopaths.
Whatever their mental status, R25 has nailed the essence of cheating. It's just a lazy stop before you back your bags - or have them packed for you.
R24 You're wrong. Cheating is pathological and has very little to do with the person being cheated on. Because cheating means you're capable of sneaking around and lying to someone's face. If you're incapable of being honest to someone you claim to love, the fault is with you. A normal person tells their partner they're not happy and try to change things or they break up. This simple solution never occurs to the cheater.
No, R27,the cheater is not solely to blame. It takes 2 to make this happen. Pathological? No. Communication problem, sure, but pathological, no.
It often does take two people to derail a relationship.
To my knowledge, they never jointly make the decision for one of them to cheat.
r28...again, another excuse a cheater uses to justify their actions. If a person is so miserable, they need to leave the relationship.
With RARE exceptions, the person cheating usually has a very good relationship at home, but being selfish, they want more.
R28, you obviously feel guilty but you're not going to find absolution here. Your justifications aren't even selling.
R5 is another of those illiterates who thinks that "empathy" in a sentence proves her sensitivity and connectedness with the World Spirit.
It would be a perfect troll post (cheaters are mad-bomber murderers) except for the stink of desperation and inflamed gums.
If one of the partners is cheating, I would hardly call that relationship "loving". It is only such in the deluded mind of the person who doesn't notice the warning signs around them.
I ♥ R32.
Dream on, r31. No guilt on my part. r29 gets it.
When you live with someone 24/7 they see all your faults. They may love you in the long run, but they are not impressed by you.
A clandestine affair gives you novelty, freshness, and a chance to present yourself anew.
I "dated" a guy for several years. He made it very clear from the start he was not going to be monogamous, but we had pretty electric chemistry and got along well. He also had a habit of whipping out a camera and taking pictures of guys he had sex with, and posting them on the Internet.
He didn't know I followed him on those sites starting a month after we met.
I learned a lot about "cheaters." He would always charge me with what he was doing, and would flat out lie about his activities, even when the date stamps on the pictures proved otherwise. He would up the ante, claiming how deeply he loved me the same days he would post pictures of threeways. He even posted a pic on Thanksgiving while I was cooking in his kitchen. In the end, he accused me of being emotionally distant and having someone else (which was not true) - I just stopped replying.
Cheaters often get off on the thrill of cheating. They think they are secretive and Machiavellian, when really they are pathetic cowards who can't face themselves. I could deal with non-monogamy - it was the lying and deceptive truths that made my blood boil.
Have your partner drop you off, and pick you up at your tricks house. That way your including him, so there's no guilt involved!
[quote]They're sociopaths like Dshokhar
You are insane.
R32 All sociopaths are pretty much the same and it's only the circumstances that determines the path they'll take. It takes a 'special' kind of person to be able to deceive & hurt someone they claim to love. It takes a total lack of empathy. It's a defect. I assume you're lashing out because the truth hurts.
Not shallow, R36. Too stupid for that.
Given that cheaters often endanger their partners by doing things like not practicing safe sex with their tricks, I think it's safe to say they're fucked up.
Some compartmentalize, some feel a sense of liberation, some cope with their guilt, others repress it, others dismiss it as a fragment of an oppressive culture that persecutes people for being non-monogamous.
Having sex with someone else is the usual method.
[quote] how do you go home to that person without any quilt?
I'd drop it off at the drycleaner, to be discreet.
Yawn - so much hokey sentimental stupidity in one thread. There are countless reasons why people cheat - from selfish lying cads who thrive on novelty and attention, to caring types with seriously ill partners who still have physical needs but don't want to hurt their partners or destroy their relationship. The tut-tutting moralists on this thread seem to be missing the massive and obvious fact that life is rarely black and white. Multiply the complexity of humans by the complexity of their relationships, and then trust a dolt to come up with ONE reason why people engage in a particular behaviour.
"They cheat because they are not getting something from the relationship that they need."
Oh, bull. Cheaters say that because they don't want to take responsibility for their actions, so they say that as a way of blaming the cheated-on partner.
People cheat because they find someone willing to fuck.
R46, then there are the apologists like you who think everything is relative, and that no one need be ethical or honest.
This is a black and white situation. There are many different possible relationship configurations, where people could have open relationships that are honest and have integrity. There is also the fact that relationships can be ended if people are that unhappy with them, and they can be ended honorably and honestly.
You're clearly a cheater. Which is why you see only gray where there should be black and white. You need to honor your commitments, otherwise you are a person lacking in integrity and character. It's not about "morality", it's about being an ethical person who tries to live a life as a decent human being.
There's no excuse for betraying someone in such a way. Period. There are lots of justifications, but no real excuses. Period.
I agree, there is no "gray zone" when it comes to cheating. There are plenty of gray zones when it comes to configuring a relationship. If monogamy isn't your thing, that's fine, but don't say you're going to be monogamous. Find someone who wants an open relationship.
Don't make promises you can't keep, and keep the ones you do make.
Don't put words in my mouth, asshole @ r48. I said there are a host of reasons why people cheat. Did I say people shouldn't be held accountable? Did I say there's no need for ethics or honesty in life? No, I said there are likely more complicated reasons than 'because they're a sociopath' for why people cheat. People always have cheated and always will, and it's simplistic to the point of retardation to assume it's only because they're bad people. You can say it's a black and white situation all you want, but all that proves is that you're a moralising dimwit or that you associate only with assholes. My bf has said he'd probably forgive me if I cheated but I wouldn't do it because I know how much it would hurt him (plus he's the best lay I've ever had anyway).
There are no excuses to moralising simpletons like you, r48, but the rest of us understand people always have and always will cheat and it happens for a host of reasons. Did I say people shouldn't be held accountable? Did I say honesty and ethics aren't important? No. I said you can't explain away infidelity with 'they must be a selfish sociopath'. My bf has said he'd probably forgive me if I cheated but I wouldn't do it because it would hurt him too much and because I'd never find what I have with him with anyone else anyway, but I know decent people who've sought release elsewhere when their partner was unwell and too vulnerable to have the 'open relationship' chat with. It's unfortunate but I didn't think less of my friend for doing it because I could see he was still committed to and in love with his partner. You sound like a Hallmark card pitched at retards.
OP = yet another woman who is so needy she can't possibly underst and that love and sex are not necessarily the same thing. Dumbass fucktart.
Forgive double post. My first post hadn't appeared after ten min so I posted another one. Disregard either or both as you wish.
R5, your post at R40 is well said! And, IMO, true.
[r46] and r48
I cheated because my BF is the only man I have ever been with and I wanted to experience someone different. A bigger cock, a different motion to the ocean. Was not right and never said a word to him about and never did it again.
I cheat because it feels good. It feels so good that I feel invigorated. I feel like a new man after I plow a guy and go home to my longterm partner. I can go home right after and I am still the most loving wonderful guy to my partner. I have done it for 20 years and there is no reason to stop. Sex is sex and I will be selfish and get as much of it as I can. My partner has no reason to find out because I use condoms, and I pick sexual partners that I am certain arent poz sluts. Is that what you hate? My greed? My selfishness? My ideal of having it all and taking everything for me? Its the American way baby! It's what makes this the greatest country in the world. Yeah, you can judge, but thats because youre pathetic and you cant get all the hot guys I get.
Your loving partner
[quote]Is that what you hate? My greed? My selfishness?
That's exactly it.
[quote]How do people in loving relationships cheat?
It's as simple as that.
People who cheat are not in a loving relationship.
[quote}People who cheat are not in a loving relationship.
Because they are not capable of loving.
Wow! Reading this I see what is wrong with so many of you guys. You try to make your emotions count as more than just what they are. Emotions change. You need to take chances, not go crazy, but life is short and you should live it to the fullest. Why are so many deluded by these ideals of fidelity and trying to be better than the rest. Its just sex. Its so different than the intimate relationship you share with your partner. Are you people to deluded to see the difference? Is this what keeps you counting pennies and never getting ahead?
Voted for Obama
I understand that sex can be had without love. I grew up with it that way. But I came to realize the love makes it so much better.
For me anyway.
Missy drives them to it.
A lot of people are able to separate sex from love. And, in actuality, they are two entirely different things that can, if you're lucky, merge for the ultimate experience. Fidelity is a man-made (i.e., religious) construct to put controls on society. Man's true nature is not to be monogomous, and this is true of both men and women.
R61, if you'd actually read the thread, you see that plenty of people are fine with open relationships and other variations on sexual fidelity.
Sex may or may not matter in a loving relationship, but honesty always does.
That may be true for you R61 and if it makes you happy that's great. But it's arrogant and naive to pretend that other people don't prefer or can't find happiness in a conventional model, whether it's allegedly based in religious roots or not.
As this thread shows, a considerable number of gay men happily and successfully prefer monogamy and are living up to it. That's as cool as your it's just sex position. So to speak. What's annoying is that everybody who seems to think extracurricular sex is OK seems to have to also insist anybody who thinks and lives differently is just kidding themselves. We're not. I haven't seen anybody backing monogamy on this thread who has said anything other than you live the life that suits you.
Cheating is lying and defrauding someone, without a care of how it may affect others- which is sociopathic. So if you're in a relationship with a cheater, you're in a relationship with a sociopath.