How would Christianity be different if Lucy Ball was Jesus?
All priests would wear cigarette pants. I guess that's more Lucy Ricardo than Lucille Ball...
HOSTESS PANTS, R1!
Priests visiting Italy and staying in seedy hotels with broken elevators would invite young children to their hotel room for ice cream and cake on the pretense of having a birthday party for them. Oh wait...
Renita Perez would be Mary Magdalene.
The Christ child would have been smuggled into Egypt disguised as a block of cheese.
In lieu of kneelers, churches would be outfitted with stone pillows.
I WANTED A TOASTER!
Jesus wouldn't have attended the Last Supper, as Gary Morton would've talked her out of it.
People Magazine: How do you feel about gay rights?
Lucille Ball: It's perfectly all right with me. Some of the most gifted people I've ever met or read about are homosexual. How can you knock it?
Fred Mertz wouldn't have had room at the inn.
NOW I understand what it take to get a thread make alive
The eucharistic beverage would be Vitameatavegamin.
TV Guide would be the official publication of the church.
In place of a traditional baptism, church members would be given a sacred henna rinse.
Mrs. Trumbull would be the first saint.
Peter would resent being the same age as Jesus but being costumed to look older and frumpier.
Christmas would be in Connecticut...and called Lucymas.
Instead of being crucified, she died for our sins from ashphyxiation by loving cup.
The cross would've been constructed from recycled Philip Morris cartons.
As penance for mortal sins, people would be required to sit through "Mame."
Cara Williams would start up a splinter group to form a new religion.
Vivian Vance and Gale Gordon would have to perform a series of wacky stunts in order to decide who should be named #1 Acolyte.
A key element of Lent would be forty days of total honesty.
The vatican would be decorated in early modern Chinese and look like a bad dream you had after eating too much Chinese food.
Little Stevie Appleby
Catholic churches would be adorned with blazing putty noses instead of candles.
All elementary school Lucymas pageants would have a requisite role of someone sneaking into the act.
Communion wafers would be made by Jesus herself on an assembly line, and all of the sacramental wine would be made from grapes stomped by Her as well.
The Apostles would all have that de rigueur Italian haircut.
Pope Don Loper
In addition to being Pope, Don Loper would design the Shroud of the Brown Derby.
Jesus would feed the multitudes by turning a few crusts of bread into a 14-foot-loaf.
Instead of being entombed in a cave for three days, Jesus and Mr. Mooney would accidentally lock themselves in a bank vault over Easter weekend.
There would be extended story arcs where Jesus and his disciples would go to Rome and meet various celebrities. Jesus would be unable to stop staring at Messalina in public, and when the empress later visits Jesus and Mary Magdalene in their hotel Jesus would emerge from his room with a 'do-rag over his hair and a false putty nose.
"we NEED a little Xmas! right this very minute. . . oh wait!"
When first shown the cross by Pontius Pilate, Jesus would perform "the spider" face.
The New Old Testament:
The only song Jesus could blow on his shofar would be "Glow Worm" (very badly).
The Last Supper would have been replaced by Breakfast With Ricky and Lucy.
Abortion would've been legal centuries earlier, leaving open the possibility that Tennessee Ernie Ford's mother would've terminated.
Hell would be a meat locker.
Jesus would have been born at the Little Inn on the River Out.
Jesus would have been a woman who acted like a drag queen.
The Last Supper would have been served by Ethel Mertz, filling in as Jesus' "maid," Ethel Mae, because Jesus didn't want the apostles to know she couldn't afford a maid.
She'd have a lot of 'splainin to do.
Congregation members would be forced to sit on madeline pughs.
The holy wine would taste like feet.
Fidel Castro would have been a busboy with a Judas vibe.
The Last Supper would have been served at The Brown Derby, and Lucy would have been breaking bread with her "Apostles", aka The Wednesday Afternoon Fine Arts League ladies!
Lucy would have denied three times......by Carlotta Romero!
Lucy would have BEEN denied three times......by Carlotta Romero!
"The Exodus" would now be the epic tale of when the Ricardos broke their lease with Pharoah Mertz, and moved to The Promised Land- Westport Connecticut!
All hymns would come from the score of "Wildcat!"
Old Testament prophet: Richard Denning
New Testament prophet: Desi Arnaz
I would have gone to the school "Our Lady of the Immaculate MOO MOO", rapped on the knuckles by nuns in silver lame martian costumes.
Lucy would ride into Jerusalem on a long, long trailer.
Eucharist would be an 10 pound smuggled cheese offered to you with the words "This is my baby"
The marks on the Shroud of Turin would have been made with face tape adhesive and Tareytons.
"Moneychangers are a great big bunch of gyps!"
People speaking in tongues at tent revivals would be part of the Henna-costal movement.
Lucy would fire y'all for these crummy jokes!
Jesus would be able to walk on scotch and water.
The Burning Bush would piously mean that the carpet matches the scarlet drapes.
Lucy would turn water into wine.
She would upstage Tallulah Bankhead at the PTA play by raising Lazarus from the dead.
Judas would betray her for thirty Cuban cigars.
Onward Christian Soldiers, marching as to WHAAAAAAAAHHH!!
[quote]The only song Jesus could blow on his shofar would be "Glow Worm" (very badly).
Also "Sweet Sue".
Jesus would stage one resurrection too many around the year 1986. Followers would say, "We want to like this, but we think we've seen it already."
Jesus came upon four fishermen who had been unsuccessfully casting their nets all morning. She instructed them to cast their nets on the other side of the boat, and miraculously the nets came up filled with frozen 50-pound tunas.
Jesus would bring his band to the steps of the synagogue to sing, "We Are Friends of the Friendless and we want to be your friend".