This is kinda real long so sorry for that
My parents been married for almost 25 yrs and they seem to be headed for divorce. I think my dad is going thru some kind of reverse maturity or something? It's all kinda weird and skeevy, but my dad has taken up with a 19 year old stripper. He's also decided that I'm his new BFF or something? He's been dumping way too much information on me about their 'relationship' and all this stuff that going on with him and my mom.
He says he met the stripper at a bar and says he fell in love with her instantly. (I kinda don't believe that he met her in a bar cuz he doesn't go to bars so it was probably at the stripper club, but then he never went to those either before. He's always been coming home after work and staying home).From what he's said he's spent close to $50,00.00 on her and her kid since he met her two and half months ago. He's planning on moving out once he can find a place to rent/buy that she likes and having her and her kid move in with him and he's going to take care of them so she can quit stripping. He says he's going to give her a job at his company but she won't take the job till they are living together and she takes a 'break' from working for awhile . Ya right.
Before all this my dad was a really normal guy, now it's like he's forgot how to be an adult. He comes over to my house all the time, just about every night after work he's over here with a six pack. He drinks a couple of beers, tells me the latest in his soap opera life, talking to me like I'm one of his friends instead of one of his kids, and then goes home. A couple nights a week he's back over later in the night just hanging out until his GF/stripper gets done working or takes a couple hours off so he can take her out to dinner. I'm not 100% sure but I think he's been in my house when I'm at work, probably bringing her over.
I get wanting to be with someone other than the person you're married to, and even seeing someone younger, but I don't understand him 'dating' someone who is younger than even I am (23). One of my cousins even went to school with her. That kind of age difference seems kinda creepy and pedo
To me it seems like she is just using him to get as much money and stuff from him as she can before she dumps him for someone closer to her own age, or the next guy who wants to buy her stuff, but he totally doesn't see it. He thinks she really loves him. I guess it's possible that she does love him, but it doesn't seem very probable. My dad's a nice guy and everything but he's not especially great looking or funny or comes across as really smart, even tho he is pretty smart, well before all this he was. The only thing that makes him different than any other guy is that our family has a lot of money. I don't think he's told her how well off my family is, but he's been acting so strange I can't be sure. It's not really about the family's money, like I'm worried he's giving my inheritance to a stripper, cuz he can't, its just that he's being played and doesn't see it.
My moms been way better about all this crap than I would think anyone could be. She knows that he's always telling me stuff about what's going on and has been cool about it but I'm worried that it's gonna change how my mom is to me. It hasn't been that long but I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the shit and being forced on my dads side even tho there really isn't sides to this thing too much yet. My little brother and sister think I'm on my dads side and they're really mad at me, but they are 12 and 17 years old so maybe they aren't smart enough yet to see it all?
I don't get how he changed from a smart, kinda boring, dusty 52 year old guy into Captain Save-a-ho. I guess it's good that he's talking to me like an adult but I don't really want to be his best friend either. Sometimes I just want to switch colleges and finish somewhere else but that's too much running away from problems maybe
Sorry this is so long but I can't exactly talk to my friends or my family about this
It's not love when it's based on anything superficial.
Your Dad is just the billionth man or so to prove this.
We are loyal to the best offer, not to a person. We just pretend to love people because sexual opportunism is to remain the elephant in the room.
Your dad is a sucker. Not the first, not the last, but a sucker nonetheless. There should be a club for dudes who fall for strippers who take all their money.
does this infatuation or whatever go away?
Convince your mother to get an aggressive divorce attorney and a skilled financial advisor. If your dad wants to blow his wad on the stripper make sure it's jizz and not the family estate.
OP, your father is going through a real mid-life crisis, it can last 10 years, and men break up their families for strippers. It has to do with a male hormone androgen.
He needs therapy, not a stripper with a kid. Try to gently get your father into therapy, research mid-life crisis & it's effects. He doesn't love this woman, he's reacting to a hormone in his body, it's not real.
How embarrassing for you, OP. No fool like a 52-year-old fool.
Your Mother needs to get a very good/mean attorney and stop the old fool from spending all their money on a tramp. It's your inheritance so get yourself involved, NOW.
Your Dad is a human being and I guess he needs someone to talk to, you're it. Sometimes parents actually expect their adult kids, to act like adults.
Sounds like me. Dumped a treasure of a partner after 28 years for some young, tight thing who took me for a ride.
What was I thinking? I'll never forgive myself for what I did to a kind, fine man.
Silly old fool
Op you can't fix their marriage so let that one go.
If he's paying for where you live it seems you're stuck with him coming over at random times. If not, lay down some rules like he can't come to your place when you're not there and he cant bring his skanky stripper there either.
Also tell him you feel funny about this because you love your mom also and you can't take sides. Tell him you'd prefer not to hear all the details.
You do seem like you're taking sides. You're letting him come to your place, drinking & unloading all his stuff on you. Tell him NO. Tell him he has to go through this mid life crisis on his own. Tell him you don't approve and he's acting like a fool. Tell him he looks ridiculous hanging around with a 19 year old. You tell him the TRUTH enough times he's going to stop using you as his favorite person to unload on.
Some people think if you're gay that you're going to be nonjudgmental about their sex life. Let your dad know you're nothing like that and that you do judge him and he sucks. That'll stop him from coming around.
[quote] That kind of age difference seems kinda creepy and pedo
It's not unusual for a middle-aged guy going through a mid-life crisis to seek the company of a much younger woman - so 19 is sad, but not pedo.
"Your Dad is a human being and I guess he needs someone to talk to"
No, he wants someone to talk AT. He doesn't want to hear what the OP thinks, or what any sensible person thinks, he wants to brag about getting some young tail. OP, all you can do is shriek "EEEW" like a little girl when he talks about the skank. You can't make him come to his senses. but maybe you can make him realize you don't want to hear about his sex life.
And yes, your mother needs a real shark of an attorney. She needs to get her share of the family estate, before it all goes to the stripper. And BTW that is one of the few things that might shake your father out of his douchey trance.
OP, I prefer my Exceptional Story Tellers to deal with either hot nephews or canned-frosting-eating daughters. This bullshit is just tedious.
Thanks for all the advice and insight.
I am gong to try to get thru to my dad that telling me all the details about his thing with the stripper isn't ok. I don't mind him coming over and hanging out once in a while, but this every night thing is getting kinda rough. And felling stuck in the middle feels way shitty. Like I said my mom is cool about my dad being here and doesn't ask what he says so thats good.
R10, the house is mine, I bought it when I came into part of my inheritance from my grandparents when I turned 21. My parents don't pay for anything for me. So I don't have to put up with my dad cuz he's paying my bills. I DO want him to feel like he can talk to me, but like you said, I need to lay down rules about things that are off limits to talk about like his sex life.
I saw my mom the other night and when I asked she said she already had a shark type lawyer. (Also she's been getting counseling) She doesn't want a divorce but she doesn't want to be made a fool of either. She's starting to stand up for herself with him more. I think this whole thing really shocked her and knocked her down. I told her that even tho dad is always coming arround acting this way it didn't mean that I was taking his side or anything. She said she knew that already.
She gave him a time limit for staying in the house if he is going to act like this. Only thing that worries me is that he said he'll move out and move in with me. No way I'm gonna let that happen, but not sure how to go about it. I don't want it to blow up into a huge fight that end up with him and I not talking ever again. Maybe I'll get some of my friends from school to stay at my house for awhile so there are no empty bedrooms. LOL that would fix it so he can't use my house as a hotel for him and the stripper. Actualy maybe that's a good idea.. with the school year ending it wouldn't be hard to find people who want to stay in a big house with a pool for the summer...What do you guys think?
This midlife crisis thing, is it a kind of temporary mental illness? Why did this happen? Do most guys go thru this when they get in their 50s?
Any other advice? and agaiin thank you.
Might you repost in English darling?
Do you really want roommates, R15? Or do you just want to go passive-aggressive with Dad?
Be honest with him. Everything you say about why you don't want to deal with his new situation makes sense. Don't puss out when it comes to having him move in. Or the next thing you know, it'll be you, dad, and the stripper.
Maybe it's a good idea to get roommates, regardless of your reason. You'll need company.
Sounds like you are dealing with it fine OP. Personally, I think your father is putting you in a shitty situation.
So who has the $$, OP. Was it from your dad's side or your mom's? Because I have a friend whose father divorced her mother and married a Las Vegas showgirl. There was some question that she may have killed him at the end after getting him to change his will. He was pretty sick so his death wasn't a complete surprise, but the circumstances were iffy.
Anyway, the court case didn't go well (she bought off the accountant) and ended up with most of the millions. The kids didn't even get the full trust funds he had planned to give them.
My point is that if the $$ is on his side, your mom better make sure your siblings are protected or the stripper will take everything if she can.
I couldn't tell by your posts OP, but it sounds like your dad has a house key? Change the locks on ALL of your doors, and make sure everything is locked before you go out. Leave an emergency only set of keys with someone you trust, probably not either of your patents while this is going on. If your house has an alarm system change your codes, take everyone eleses codes off so only you and who ever you leave the emergency keys with can get in. If you don't have an alarm system you might want to consider getting one. Also if your house has an outside box to get in using the garage door opener disable it.
Only you know if having house mates is a good idea. Just make sure none are female. When my dad went through his mid life crisis he was hitting on every female in sight including my sisters friends.
Your brother and sister will eventually see what's going on and get over being mad. It's hard being that age when your parents are going through something like this.
P.S. - I think you're handling this situation well.
Seriously, do whatever you can to get your dad away from this hooker. She will destroy his life. My friend was a stripper, and it amazed me at how much money she took from older men. She even scammed a handicapped guy in a wheelchair out of his settlement earnings. She is now married to a guy in his late 60s (she is in her early 30s) and they have homes all over the world. She broke up his marriage (he met her in a strip club in Vegas) and his grown kids hate her, because he changed his will to give her everything. I would fight tooth and nail to prevent this shit from happening if I were in your position.
R17 ya I think I was being passive/agressive about the roomate thing. Didn't think about it that way till you posted it. Tho I do have a good friend at school who lives in the dorms and found a great summer job here who is gonna stay in town over the summer, so maybe I'll have him stay with me, but mostly just cuz we're friends and it woouldn't suck to have a friend here at the house.
R19, My mom is an only child from parents both with inherited money. When her mother died she inherited a lot, as did I and my siblings. So she has quite a lot on her own, more when my grandfather dies, plus she makes good money at her job. My dad doesn't have inherited money but he owns his own company and makes good money, but my mom definetly has more money.
R20 thanks for the advice. I'll change the door locks this weekend and call the alarm service to figure out how to get all the codes changed. Thakns for saying something about the garage door opener. Hadn't thought of that, just DC'ed it.
R21, that sucks for your friend. I don't know how to make him see what she's doing. It's right out there plan as day but he doesn't see it. Makes me wanna knock some sense into the guy. I wish I could get him to admit that 'maybe' she's using him. Once he would think that t was maybe possible then I think he'd start looking at the things that she does and says differantly and he'd get what was going on. He use to be so smart. I don't understand how he lost his common sense.
Do gay guys get mid life crisis too?
OP, the male American mid-life crisis (MLC) is a fairly common phenomenon. It's very difficult to break through the mental fog of the MLC and bring a loved one back to reality.
I'm sorry you have to watch your father go through this banal MLC bullshit. Your mother must be going through hell. At least she has consulted a good attorney. If she files for divorce, there's a good chance that she can get a financial restraining order forbidding him to drain or move of marital assets while the divorce is pending. The financial restraining order can also forbid him to remove her name from health insurance coverage, life insurance, auto & home policies, and so on.
Tell Mom to get an HIV/STI check and a divorce. Advise dad to do the same. Don't bother telling him he's getting played old str8 men are the biggest fools walking.
When he starts talking about her cut him off, say great talking dad, busy, busy... dad could be popping pills or doing coke as strippers are famous for that.
This story is as old as time and in time she'll be fucking around behind his back. Maybe dad is a swinger and would join the fun, dunno. But yeh he's getting played pussy whipped new sex work culture (stripping).
Once, we did an intervention on a good friend, he picked up a Korean girl she sexed him so well (his words) he was ready to give her the keys to his car and condo... in a week! Of course, he found out she had hidden kids and was basically a scammer.
OP, I was ready to proclaim you an EST, until it hit me that my dad went through a similar phase -- although he wasn't stupid enough to fall for any Dial-A-Ho. He and my stepmom split up, and for a couple of months he took up with a 23-year-old piece of hot Asian snatch, whom he met at a casino. (Although I'm well-aware that prostitutes frequent the high-roller rooms at such places, I decided not to push the matter.) It was the same cliche phase many middle-aged guys go through, except he's wealthy and went a little further than most, buying not one but different Ferraris over three years. He got over it and is now remarried to a lovely, and much more age-appropriate, third wife. (He and my mom split up when I was very young btw.)
Anyway, it sounds like your dad needs to learn a lesson, so frankly I wouldn't do shit to intervene. If he's gullible enough to be taken in by some 19-year-old ho-bag that he "fell in love with immediately," he needs a shock to the system -- in the form of being taken for a ride -- to get his head straight again. I will assume that, like that of most children from wealthy families, your mother's wealth is locked up tight in trusts and whatnot that your father will be unable to access after a divorce.
Btw your dad is acting like any other middle-aged guy who finds himself "free" after several decades of marriage, and is ... well, thinking with his dick. (Some) men are like that. Since I'm not a drama queen like R20, I wouldn't recommend a histrionic change-the-locks response to your dad possibly bringing the slut over to your place, but you should certainly set boundaries and make it clear he is *not* welcome to engage in such behavior. All you're doing now is enabling him.
Do your parents have a joint checking/savings account? Tell her its time to pull her half of shit out of the accounts and into her own. Anything she can put her name on or take sole possession of, she should.
You mentioned she's working and makes good money, etc... she should also make sure to change her beneficiary information NOW so that he's not on it.
I have a friend that works in benefits and says its the one thing people forget all the time when they get divoriced, etc. so eventually when they die, the person they divorced ten years prior ends up getting all that shit.
OP, I feel for you.
Your dad is, of course, a damn old fool, but he won't be able to see it until the skank robs him of every penny she can and breaks his heart.
Get your mom to do everything she can to prevent him wasting money on the tramp. If he can't give her stuff, she'll dump him asafp.
But when his heart is eventually broken (and/or he wises up, surely that must have happened to three or four men over the centuries?), be nice to him.
I *wish* my mom would see me/talk to me as an adult. Instead, I'm still a little kid in her eyes, to be nagged at and controlled (and I'm fucking 40!)
Your Dad will go through all his money with this girl. Protect your mom and yourself.
I once stumbled upon a message board that had a lot of trust-fund kids on it and all they seemed to talk about was dating/marrying a stripper. So what makes strippers more desireable to them than porn stars or models?
Theyre more respectable and only doing it to pay for college.
OP, your post was too long and I didn't read it all. I did read about the money your dad has spent on this stripper. I hate to break this to you but your dad's stripper has no intention of ever moving in with him. A good stripper makes her money off of regulars. You know how she finds regulars? She cultivates them, gives them special attention, makes them feel like they have a real relationship. A good stripper sends birthday cards to her regulars, emails them, just checks in when she hasn't seen a guy in a while. She will talk about how she wants to be with that guy but she can't because some force is preventing her (mean boyfriend, abusive club owner, etc). Damn if men don't fall for this shit.
Your dad has been played to the tune of $50k. Good lord.
I know this because I went to college with a stripper. We had the same major and became friends in class. She shared all the stripping secrets with me.
This is really interesting article about how men go through male menopause.
Unfortunately for me, my nightmare has never ended and mine started when I was still in my 30's.
Your dad is the reason young women should marry older men.
Straight men can be come real dicks when they hit was seems to be male menopause. It's the fear of getting old, the fear of dying..they try to recapture their youth. Being young was a blast..being 57 not so much.
More than likely he will come to his senses and beg to come home.
In the mean time you're not his friend..yuck...let him play with his new squeeze without you
Old and older men very much notice how they are becoming invisible to women and, of course, fall for any young woman who will give them the time.
[quote]This is kinda real long so sorry for that
You lost me right there.
some men are pigs.
Hell I'd fall for that, R31.
As long as your mother gets her financial act together and doesn't let this self-involved prick financially ruin her, then it doesn't matter if your father is an idiot thinking with his dick. I hope he goes broke.
Shit. Shit. Shit. I am the much-younger partner that broke up a 22year relationship (interestingly, that's our age-difference, too). He was 58 when we began. Does that mean he will come to his senses and leave our delicious relationship someday? I'm not using him. I love him.
Now granted, I didn't go into it knowing he was involved with anyone else. And it's been two years now. We live together. We have a great relationship, except I'm a little bit crazy.
I tried to read OP's post, but my eyes started bleeding at the end of the second paragraph.
DO. NOT. LET. YOUR. DAD. MOVE. IN!!! If he does the stripper and her feral child will come too, and you'll have to watch your dad make out with a skank, and listen to them have sex. Plus, that will convince your mother and siblings that you're with dad and against mom, and they'll never forgive you.
Your mom needs to file for divorce STAT, she is foolish to put on a brave face and let him stay. Filing for divorce would protect her financial interests, and tell him where to get off. And their relationship is probably gone for good, but if she hopes to fix their relationship she needs to make it very clear that she won't be treated this way. If he decides to stick around, it will be with the understanding that she'll tolerate being humiliated
Ex-stripper murdered millionaire playboy husband and funneled $10m of his cash through rabbi she was having affair with'
So you were 36, and interested in a 58 year old in a long term relationship, r40? I call bullshit. There is no way that you, at least initially, did not just go in for the financial security. No damn way. Another thing, if he was willing to cheat on the ex after 22 years, he will not think twice about cheating on your ass after two. I can't believe that people can be this naive.
OP, please don't say "kinda," and please add apostrophes in possessives. Other than that and 37 other problems with your language, I really don't have anything to note for your issue, which is absurd. As you understand already, securing premises and protecting assets are obvious.
OP...I totally agree with R26. See if your mom can get half of her money out of their joint accounts. As for her money, make sure your dad doesn't have access to it.
Please keep us updated as to what's going on. I hope you'll gently, but firmly set boundaries with your father. I hope everything calms down before he loses more cash in this situation.
Take your mom out to a nice lunch or dinner and let her talk or just try to have fun whichever she wants. She seems like a class act who doesn't want to put you in the middle of it but she has been wronged and could probably use someone to talk about things with too.
Send her some flowers and tell her she's beautiful.
Awww, R49, you're a good egg.
R45, I'm in a region where there's a small market of intelligent guys, which contributed to him staying in a bad relationship and to me being willing to try an older guy.
I actually have more money than him (he has none). So maybe he's with me because I'm a good provider. His last partner consistently left them in money trouble.
I would never pursue such an age difference online. I would have skipped him altogether, and what a loss! We met because he was working on my house. We had palpable chemistry we couldn't ignore. I wasn't sure about his age but he won me over.
Bear in mind we're just regular people with flaws. I'm not in good shape, but am younger, solvent and cute. He's in excellent shape but much older. We found personality aspects we couldn't find with other people. People say we're a cute couple.
Also, I thought he was single for the first half year. I guessed up front he struggled with monogamy, though. Thing is, I've been with perfectly boring, monogamous guys all my life. I was ready to leave my comfort zone and see if I got better results. I'm not naive. Sure, I hope for monogamy (people cheat for a reason), but I am realistic.
Cheaters need love too, and whatever happens, I'm enjoying this one more than anyone else ever. I've done the cost/benefit analyses. He really brings me that much joy.
Eh, this post reads defensively. But now you know some reasons. Real life doesn't fit nicely in a little box. It's complicated.
"Now granted, I didn't go into it knowing he was involved with anyone else. "
r40 ...sigh. Well enjoy your relationship for now. He was with someone for 22 years, didn't tell you that he had a partner or was married. Um, red flag? I hope it really works out for you though.
R52, yeah, I hear you. It caused trust issues that I never had before. I won't lie. He regrets generating this (because now he has to deal with my occasional paranoia about it) and not having the balls to properly end a bad relationship before starting a new one. This kind of thing doesn't fit who I always viewed myself to be, but then again, my perfect details of the past left me unhappy. /shrug
Life is not black and white. It's gray. My other choice was to just walk away, which appealed less.
You know, I don't care about a dick in a hole as much as most people. If he really needs it, I understand. I would kick him out, however, if he chose to conceal it or put my health at risk. For me, betrayal is not sharing yourself completely with me. Intimacy, transparency and vulnerability can be a tough gig, but if you can give me those, I give a pass on the rest.
OP, your father is being conned.
I come from a pretty seedy background. My family is as skanky as you can get, so I know people like the stripper and know their game. The stripper will use your father until the money has dried up. She's not interested in him at all, guaranteed. She is laughing at him behind his back. And she's got a real boyfriend on the side, some douchebag who actively encourages her to take your dad for all he's got.
Your father needs to give his head a shake and walk away. But he won't until it's too late.
Why is it so hard for older men to accept that they aren't desirable romantic and sexual partners for much younger people?
Losing one's looks and prospects is hard, R55.
All I can say is if my father did this I would tell him from the get-go he was dead to me until he came to his senses.
r56: Understood, but we need a paradigm shift in how men view themselves in the world. There are way too many of them thinking the world owes them more than they deserve.
R55, why don't you print out your question, stick it in a drawer, and don't look at it until 30 years from now. You should be able to answer your own question at that point, you cuntful of snot.
Op, you are getting some excellent advice on this thread: establish boundaries with your dad, make sure your mom has a separate account from your dad, and I especially like the suggestion that you take your mom out for a nice dinner and let her talk about how she is feeling right now.
I do know strippers and while many are not hard core gold diggers, most do believe that they will use their beauty and youth to their best advantage. Look, the men that go to these places are not innocent-they are just as guilty as the strippers regarding taking advantage of the situation (coed working her way through college, young mom, or fragile beauty who has a loser, abusive boyfriend).
Just direct your father to the website stripperweb.com. there he will get a much needed education.
R59, R55's answer was NOT snotty. When I was young, I hated when middle aged men hit on me as i thought it was creepy.
I guess that makes you a superannuated cuntful of snot, R61. Or cuntful of shit, if you prefer.
Nice try, R62. I am in my mid-forties and appreciate the company of men my age.
OP - your Dad is acting strange because he is fucking the stripper in your house when you aren't home.
OP, not to be mean, but I would encourage you to take more English classes. Your writing is abysmal.
That said, let your dad do what he's going to do. Like others have said, advise your mother to get a good attorney and protect herself. Other than that, you can't do much. Set boundaries with your dad, if that's applicable (meaning, if he pays all of your bills, you might be trapped). One thing you can ask of him: "Dad. I love you and love that you feel comfortable talking to me about Stripper Ho. However, it's a bit weird for me. With you and Mom splitting up and all that. Can we have an agreement that you can talk to me about anything going on your life, other than her? Thanks!"
One of the many reasons men go for women who are much younger and less educated they are, is because they think they can fool the woman. Not lying, necessarily, but many men think they can convince a young and unsophisticated person that he is admirable - the person he wants to be, not the person he is. Of course everyone in a LTR wants that, at least a little, having a spouse see through you for years can get a little tiring.
Ironically, in the OP's case, the teenage stripper is the one who's totally seeing through the middle-aged dad.
From R60's fascinating website:
[quote]one or two of my regulars tries to kiss me on the lips, i find it to be more offensive and gross than if they tried to touch my pussy..i just turn away like i didn't know they were going for a kiss to do something like get dressed, switch around my position during a dance, scratch my foot, whatever! or i act super bashful and giggle and act like im playing hard to get..or say that you aren't ready to get that intimate and make up a story about how you got burnt and too attached to a customer and maaayyybee one day if they keep coming in you will be able to come out of your self-protective shell or some bullshit..that's always the line i give when a customer tries to get too intimate.
Your father is not the victim here. That dubious distinction unfortunately belongs to your mother.
Your father deserves to be taken for a ride and worse. He wouldn't be in that position if he weren't, as someone else put it, a callous "self-involved prick" in the first place. When he crawls back to your mother with his tail between his legs, it will only be because he got his ass handed to him by the stripper, not because he loves or respects your mother. Why would any woman want to be with a man who views her as a disposable or as a consolation prize?
I never feel sympathetic when an old fool gets taken: any old geezer who thinks someone considerably younger wants him for "what he is", deserves to be taken on a ride.
Never understood why old men who chase after younger women don't get that younger women also prefer younger men. It just reeks of male entitlement.